


What Are You Doing to Me?

by TiffanyToms



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, jily - Fandom
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Betrayal, Character Development, Dark James Potter, Depression, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Romance, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, First Time, Friends to Enemies, Friends to Lovers, Hate Sex, Hate to Love, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, James Potter Being an Asshole, Kidnapping, Light Bondage, Love/Hate, Mystery, Oral Sex, POV Lily Evans Potter, Parent Death, Psychological Torture, Rough Sex, Sexual Tension, Smut, Stalking, bad boy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:01:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 39
Words: 231,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28189617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TiffanyToms/pseuds/TiffanyToms
Summary: After class jerk James Potter crushes her, a depressed Lily Evans vows never to let him back into her heart — even though she’s letting him under her skirt. But can she stop herself from taking it too far when she realizes he’s actually in love with her?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Comments: 60
Kudos: 113





	1. Changes

**Author's Note:**

> Started posting this on FF, will start posting here too :D
> 
> Hi lovelies! I must warn — Lily is going to be a mess (with a whole bag of chips on her shoulder, dealing with depression) and James is going to be a jerk (in that special way only teenage boys can be). I love goofy James as much as the next boy-lover, but I wanted to explore him being darker, so while my last fic was a forbidden love story, this will be a tawdry love/hate story…! (I’m not labelling it a romance for a reason.) I always thought how Lily fought falling for James so hard meant he had to have really hurt her somewhere in there.
> 
> There will be sex. And foul language. It starts off as an unhealthy/toxic relationship, don’t get mad at me :) I’m hoping both teens will go through a lot of growth. (I don’t know about you, but I was an IDIOT in high school. Aka when I first named this story and wrote a scene for it. Hopefully it’s not blatantly obvious which when it shows up…)
> 
> Just so people don’t get confused — I will also be jumping between years, but I will always label them so you’re not wondering why the hell things are so different all of a sudden. It’s mostly canon, but I take some liberties with timing I think. 
> 
> Blanket Warning: Depression, smut, rough sex, thoughts of suicide, language, racism, sexual assault, bullying, death, gaslighting, violence…. honestly kind of planning on having it all.

**_October, 6th Year_ **

“Potter, do you want to explain to me why the third floor girl’s bathroom is currently _on fire?_ ” Lily asked furiously, hands on her hips in a show of rage so obvious it had to be fake.

“I don’t know, Evans. Your guess is as good as mine,” the 16 year old boy in question responded lazily, currently lounging in the Gryffindor common room with his three best mates. “You know you can’t assume _everything_ that happens in this bloody castle is my fault, right?” A sexy smirk had overtaken his face as he ran a hand through his messy onyx locks, knowing his actions would only rile up the redhead fuming in front of him further.

“Ha ha, **get up** ,” she snarled, making the other black haired teen, sitting next to James, let out a low whistle.

“Damn, Prongs. Sure seems like the witch loves bossing you around.” He had impossibly high cheekbones and an air of haughtiness that one had to assume came from inbreeding somewhere in his bloodline.

“She does, doesn’t she?” James answered smugly as he got to his feet, following Lily as she stormed out through the portrait hole.

They marched in silence for a solid minute until Lily shoved James behind a tapestry tastefully depicting the Stratford-upon-Avon Massacre of 808.

“Ooo, no, Evans! Where’s the fire?” the boy said in a mocking tone as his back slammed against the hidden stone wall. He allowed his body to slump down a bit so his face would be within her reach.

“Shut up,” the girl commanded, loosening his tie and opening the buttons of his school shirt, starting at the top. “You know, you could help me the fuck out next time and, _I don’t know_ , just come along instead of making me think up all these _ridiculous_ reasons you could possibly be in trouble.”

He smiled, making it clear he in no way intended to help her — in the way she was asking of him or with her ardent quest to undress him. That last one he was enjoying far too much as it was. “Oh Lily, why would I ever do that? You know most of the Marauders’ most brilliant ideas now come from you, right?”

She grumbled incoherently as she finally finished with his top and splayed her fingers over his freshly exposed abdomen.

“So really,” he taunted, “I guess that makes _you_ the true troublemaker here.”

Lily let out a strangled noise that could best be described as a growl. “You know what, _Potter_?” she spat out. “I’m instating a rule six: as little bloody talking as possible.”

“Fine by—”

His words were cut off by Lily’s lips as she pulled his mouth to hers with reckless abandon.

_Fuck, I hate him,_ she thought as she allowed him to snog her until her knees gave out. And she did. She truly, deeply did despise him. Too bad hatred was currently such a welcome feeling.

☆☆☆

Lily Evans was a mess. She knew it. Her peers knew it. To her great shame, she feared even her professors were starting to cotton on _._

She had to chuckle at the thought. If knowing her teachers could see through her perfect facade was really so embarrassing, then maybe she wasn’t so far gone yet. Desperately _wanting_ to still be viewed as the goody two-shoes she’d always been had to count for something, right? Maybe she wasn’t yet beyond repair, or too lost for hope?

Lily snorted. She knew she’d never actually been that good. She had a temper. She could curse — and then when she had learnt that she was a witch, verifiably _curse —_ like it was her job. Her humor was secretly tawdry, her fashion sense (if you could even call it that) bordered on risqué, and she loved nothing more than pushing buttons to get some inevitable pushback. She claimed she hated drama, but wasn’t there just an indescribable _thrill_ of getting under someone’s skin?

But Lily Evans wasn’t like that anymore. She hadn’t felt ‘vivacious,’ ‘charming,’ ‘lovely’ or all the words people had bestowed upon her for a while.

She felt… alone, abandoned… _lost_.

Sure, she was a prefect at Hogwarts, one year away from starting her final classes and probably graduating at the top of her grade (because there was really no one who worked as hard as _thee_ Lily Evans); but she was also just a teenager. A teenager who’d seemingly lost everything in the span of a few short months.

People expected her to be brave and strong — a true Gryffindor. A shining beacon of feminist hope in the form of a beautiful, smart, sharp-tongued heroine. And she was. Anyone who could go through what she had been through and survive _was_ a force to be reckoned with — but she had her moments.

Lily had bouts of crying until her eyes ran dry, and screaming and kicking in the safety of her charmed four-poster bed until she worried the rocking alone would scare her roommates. She couldn't fault herself for that — for feeling the full weight of her emotions as they tore through her, ripping her heart to shreds, leaving nothing but echoes and pathetic murmurs in their wake. She knew indulging in her feelings didn’t make her weak — it was when she couldn’t feel them at all that she should be worried. She knew when that fire died, and all that was left were useless embers of her former personality, that she was genuinely damned.

Lily didn’t want to give up, to give in to this pain that was lurking just beyond the edges, softly calling to her. It would be all too easy considering she was halfway there; but she was a fighter. Lily was a ‘firecracker’ as her father had always affectionately told her after one too many fights with her older sister. And she sure as shit couldn’t disappoint her father now.

_Now that he’s dead._

Lily felt the icy grip of depression clutching around her insides once more. She felt herself going slowly numb.

☆☆☆ ****

**_October, 5th Year_ **

“Come on, Lily, all the food’s gonna be gone!” Mary Macdonald yelled into the bathroom of the 5th year girls’ dorm room. It really was the luck of the draw that their year had gotten the highest floor in the Gryffindor tower. They needed something to counteract the bad luck: there had supposedly never been as many girls sorted into one House in a single year as 1971. Eight girls. To make matters even more unfair, there were only four Gryffindor boys in their year. Those boys, the self-proclaimed Marauders, had lamented this skewed ratio at first, but _somehow,_ found it within their hearts to stop complaining around 3rd year.

As it were, far too many girls could always be found trying to use the one bathroom, and Lily… was always late.

“Okay, okay, I’m coming!” Lily said, picking up her bag and slinging it over her shoulder.

Mary, her best friend, would never tell Lily, but it made her extremely jealous that her bestie could roll out of bed and a mere five minutes later feel confident enough (care so little?) to go face the world (aka the rest of the students at Hogwarts).

Lily would never tell a soul that Mary was without a doubt the most beautiful girl she’d ever laid her eyes on and if she wasn’t almost ( _I mean, like 95%_ ) sure that she was straight, she totally would have had a hard time being around her constantly.

Despite these minor secrets, Lily and Mary were thick as thieves. Mary would remind Lily of her latent rebellious side and keep her anxiety at bay while Lily helped focus Mary’s constant daydreaming and would stand up to her bullies. Lily had never felt like someone sincerely saw her the way Mary did. It was quite the weight off her shoulders to be the imperfect prefect she was around her. True, Mary wasn’t her oldest friend, that title still belonged to Severus, but she was vaguely aware (even if she was very much trying to deny it) that he saw her through the rosiest of colored glasses.

Mary’s friendship was jumping out of a plane, knowing you could fly. Severus’ was trying to open a parachute and really hoping it would work because you very much didn’t feel like dying today.

The girls bounded down the spiral staircase, entering their common room. “So, any good dreams last night?” Mary asked faux-innocently as her own cheeks reddened and she stared resolutely in front of them.

Lily picked up on her friend’s shifty behavior right away. “Mary… did I say something again?”

Mary shrugged her shoulders, suppressing a giggle. “Didn’t really say anything, more kinda moaned it.”

Lily felt her face heat to 1,000 degrees and made a mental note to start closing her bed curtains and learning to perfect the spell to soundproof them. “Fuck! That’s not fair! I can’t control my own dreams!”

“True,” Mary conceded. “But you could do something to make them a reality.”

Lily smiled in spite of herself; she knew they were talking about the same boy. “I _could,_ but I was kind of hoping he’d get a move on and do it himself.”

“Chicken,” Mary joked.

“Well, _okay,_ when’s the last time **you** asked out a boy? It’s downright terrifying to put yourself out there like that.”

“First off, it’s not terrifying when we both know he’d never refuse you, but if you must know: last week,” Mary answered swiftly. “It gets easier every time you do it. Sure, the bloke said no, but whatever, Adam’s one guy. You just need to get out of your own head.” The tiny girl reached over to tap Lily’s temple — no easy feat considering Lily was quite tall, and Mary was pocket-sized.

Lily swatted her hand away. “I still want him to be the one to do it,” she admitted.

Mary cocked an eyebrow at her; she was on to Lily’s cowardice but willing to not harp on it in a show of friendship. “In that case, I really hope _he_ builds up the nerve to ask you out soon. I don’t think any of us can survive any more of you guys’ prolonged eye contact and amateur attempts at flirting.”

“They’re not amateur!” Lily cried out flushing deeper as they took their seats in the Great Hall.

“Haaa, interesting. So you don’t deny that you’re flirting and eye-fucking?” Her hazel eyes twinkled with delight.

Lily had long ago noticed that Mary’s eyes were subtly hazel — a warm brown ebbing into an outer ring of palm green. Meanwhile James’ were loud: an explosion of color littering his irises with amber, gold, and jade. Lily could stare into his eyes for days… you know, if she didn’t become immediately self conscious when he’d inevitably catch her doing so and have to turn away blushing like a little schoolgirl. He’d usually grin like an idiot whenever this would happen and then spend the rest of class animatedly telling his friends about it and trying to catch her gaze again. She would pointedly _not_ look back to him, but would smile harder and harder when she’d hear snippets of his conversation. Words like ‘gorgeous’ and ‘bloody brilliant’ had the tendency to stand out.

Truth be told, the sappiness of their budding relationship was almost too much. It was pure. It was innocent. Lily hopelessly wondered if it could turn into love.

“Hi Lily.” The boy in question appeared, lingering by the girls while his friends took their seats further down the bench. “Hi Mary,” he nodded briefly to her.

“Oh hi, James, we were just talking about you,” Mary said conspiringly, ignoring the peeved look Lily shot her way.

“Really?” James looked thrilled.

“Yes.” She smiled at him encouragingly. “Did you know Hogsmeade is this weekend?”

James’ brows twitched uncomfortably as his hand flew straight into his hair. “Huh, it is, isn’t it?” Lily didn’t miss that his eyes flickered to her. “You ladies going then?”

Before Lily could respond, Mary jumped in. “We’ll see.”

James awkwardly shifted his weight from one foot to the other as Lily stabbed a slice of bacon with unnecessary force. “All right,” he said uneasily before pivoting. “Lily, save me a seat in Charms?”

Lily finally looked up, beaming. _This_ was the kind of easy-going conversation she could handle. “Of course, I always do.”

James mirrored her exuberance. “Brill. You know sooner or later your geniusness is gonna rub off on me, mark my words.”

Lily gave him a little wink. “Don’t hold your breath.”

James’ smile went completely lopsided in that way she loved and she bit her lip as he ambled off to his friends, sitting down as Sirius thumped his back.

“Ughhhh, you guys are _impossible._ It’s **so** obvious to everyone else that you guys fancy each other — get on with it and shag already!” Mary sighed, supporting her forehead in her palm.

“I think I’d settle for a first kiss, thanks,” Lily said cheerfully as she popped a strawberry into her mouth. “We can’t all lose it at summer camp to some random stud like you, Macdonald.”

Mary put her hands up. “I have no regrets. Now I know what all the fuss is about. Or rather what it’s _not_ about. What’s so exciting about feeling like a guy’s lost his keys up your hoo-ha and is trying to fish em out with his prick?”

“Hoo-ha?! Really?” Lily snorted, trying to keep her pumpkin juice in her mouth.

“Fine. My _vagina._ ” Mary enunciated every syllable.

“Mary, I love you.”

“Obviously, but quit distracting me. You. James. Hogsmeade. It’s gotta happen! What is he waiting for? You’ve been friends who secretly pine for each other for years now.”

“Give the guy a break. He only _just_ got taller than me.”

“Mm, and he shows no signs of stopping there…”

Lily sighed contently; she’d definitely noticed.

Mary giggled. “Remember in 3rd year when he was eye level with your tits?”

Lily smirked. “I _do_ remember that. Bet he does too, considering that’s about when he started being nice to me.” They both laughed.

James and Lily had always felt easy, as though fated. He’d teased her the first few years, but in that dumb schoolyard way that made all the adults in her life stupidly tell her he liked her and wanted her attention. 3rd year he’d realized how smart she was and had turned it into a competition, constantly sneaking peeks at her graded tests and papers to see if he could one-up her. To Lily’s great chagrin, he ended up being successful some of the time with seemingly little effort — just a desire to impress her.

Things had taken a turn 4th year when his mom died. Lily had gone to the funeral with her parents, unsure of what she could possibly say that would in any way help ease his grief. So she’d just sat with him at the wake, let him hold her hand, let him drag her upstairs to his room, and let him cry on her shoulder as she hugged him. They’d never talked about it afterwards, but Lily knew that was the moment they’d become friends.

Then this year started: 5th year. Suddenly it seemed like all their 15 year old bodies had been spiked with hormones. Their entire class had become hostage to their own flesh and bones that thought about nothing more than snogging and shagging and would betray them with moodiness if those impulses weren’t acted upon — thank you very much.

The metamorphosis couldn’t have been more evident than with Lily’s best friend Mary. They’d gone from sitting on their beds, eating bonbons and making fun of the upperclassmen for constantly getting caught groping one another in the dark corners of the castle to, quite suddenly, Mary confessing that (in an act of teenage rebellion against her too strict mother) she’d slept with a boy at camp. _Just like that._ Mary’s nonchalance on the matter was probably what shocked Lily the most.

She’d always thought of sex as this far-off concept — something _adults_ did, maybe when they loved each other. But really, Lily didn’t know… she’d actually never thought about sex _that_ much.

But this was changing. She was starting to think about it now, especially when James’ eyes would linger on her new curves. Especially when she’d catch James tripping in the hall just as she’d adjust an article of clothing that was slipping off of her shoulder or riding up her bum uncomfortably. _Especially_ after that time in Potions class when James had grabbed her bare thigh to stop her from accidentally cutting the bat eyes wrong. She’d ended up popping the eye due to the fact that all she could focus on was the delicious sensation of heat pooling between her legs for the first time caused by the tingles she felt emanating from where he was touching her skin. She viscerally remembered not being able to properly breathe as she squirmed in her seat. Lily hadn’t been able to say another word for the rest of the period, and James hadn’t pushed her too, also seemingly in his own world after the novel contact.

It had been electric.

“Morning Lily, you study for the DADA test?” Severus said sitting down next to her, completely ignoring Mary. He threw a furtive glance over his shoulder to his own House’s table. Lily noticed this nervous tick was becoming all too common.

“Of course. **Mary** and I studied for hours last night. You could have joined us in the library.” Lily had tried and _tried_ to get her two closest friends to treat each other amicably. She had yet to make any progress towards the goal, but hey, they still had another two and a half years to try, right? Lily wasn’t a quitter.

“I’ll see you in class, Lils,” Mary said annoyed, gathering her things and leaving the table.

Lily sighed. Most of the time she felt like a child of divorce, getting pulled in both directions and always being made to feel guilty. _Always._ Sev **loved** to rant about how Mary got way more time with her, meaning Lily had to constantly point out that, yeah, no shit, _we live together_.

“Well, I didn’t want to interrupt _girl time,_ ” Severus practically spat. “I don’t know how you get anything done with her around; she’s always gossiping.”

“Right. Because talking about anything related to feelings or interpersonal relationships is just _awful_.” Lily sighed running a hand through her thick hair.

“I thought you enjoyed our talks about magic,” Severus complained.

“I do.” Lily realized today would not be the day to make any leeway toward her grand plans of a happy friend group.

Severus nodded and folded his arms over his chest as he looked down the table. There was a long beat. “Typical,” he muttered darkly.

Lily held back an eye-roll. She loved Sev, and she knew she owed him so much, but he’d become such a judgmental downer lately. There were so few moments anymore when a scowl wasn’t twisting his face that she was starting to forget what he’d ever looked like without one. “What Sev?”

“Potter’s blatantly _staring_ at you again,” he sneered. “He’s so arrogant he doesn’t even have the decency to hide it anymore.”

Not wanting to argue the fact that she thought it would actually be weirder to try to hide staring at someone for a prolonged period of time, her mind still went into overdrive. _Wait, is Mary right? Has_ ** _everyone_** _noticed a relationship shift between James and I?_

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Lily lied, playing with the hem of her skirt. She really didn’t think her growing crush on James was something Severus would want to hear about.

Severus snorted. “Tcha, sure. I don’t like the way he looks at you, Lily. It’s almost lecherous. You should stay away from him.”

“Sev, I know you guys hate each other—”

“He’s a bully—”

“But I don’t see him like that. You should let it go,” Lily tried.

“Seriously?” Severus looked furious. “Just because he treats _you_ well, you don’t believe how he treats me?”

Lily saw a classic Sev tantrum coming from a mile away and tried to kindly diffuse the bomb before it blew. “Sev, he’s my friend now—”

“Are you really that blind?” he snarled, leaning into her.

“Sev, don’t talk to me that way—”

“No, you’re acting like an idiot, Lily, and someone’s gotta tell you. That’s what friends do.”

“That’s enough,” she said, the finality in her voice booming. It wasn’t the first time he’d gotten possessive, but it was the first time he’d attacked her intelligence.

Snape took in her rigid posture and flashing eyes. “Fine. But don’t come crying to me when you find out I’m right. The git’s bad news, Lily, and he _will_ hurt you.”

“You’ve made your point **very** clear, thanks.” She crossed her arms stubbornly. She really wasn’t in the mood to hear what she’d feared ever since admitting to herself that she liked James: it was too perfect, and something _would_ go wrong. After all, while it seemed like James was growing up, he was still best friends with Sirius Black — and if anything, that guy was getting meaner and more surly by the day.

Snape gave her one more snort and stalked off.

Lily let out a huge breath she didn’t know she’d been holding in and scooped up her bag. She wasn’t sure how much longer this friendship could last. With the tension between Snape and her fellow Gryffindors and the growing disapproval from his Slytherins, things were getting — well, really damn messy. Sometimes Lily wished the two of them could just go back to being 9 year olds, trying to jump the highest from the swings to see who could ‘fly.’

“Everything all right, Lily?” a deep, low voice interrupted her thoughts. _Then again, growing up wasn’t all_ _that_ _bad…_

“Yeah, he just gets real moody sometimes; he’ll cool off,” Lily said getting to her feet by James’ side. _Hopefully._

“Anything I can do to help?” James asked sweetly, motioning to grab her bag for her.

“I got it.” She smiled at him; she could most certainly carry her own bag, and deal with Snape.

Lily was true to her word and sat next to James (and Mary) in class. She could practically feel the hole Snape was burning into the back of her head with his incandescent glare.

Multiple times during the lecture, it looked like James was going to write her a note, but he’d always just end up drawing a doodle instead. Lily tapped her wand to his Snitch sketch and made it flutter across his page, much to his delight.

“You’re incredible, you know that?” he whispered to her reverently.

“I know,” she simpered back.

☆☆☆ ****

**_September, 6th Year_ **

“You’re such a fucking cunt, Potter! Why can’t you just pull your unusually large head out of your damn fucking arsehole for one bloody fucking second?!” Lily furiously whisper-yelled, dabbing at the lime green pus now coating her formerly white shirt. Potter had ‘accidentally’ burst a Snargaluff pod all over her.

“Fucking cunts and arseholes? Wherever is your head at these days, Evans?” James answered easily. Lily’s treacherous class partner (some Ravenclaw wench) giggled.

“ _Fuck_ you,” Lily grumbled, trying but failing to use charms to make the burning on her chest stop.

“We’ve been over this Evans, no. Not even if you beg me for it,” he drawled casually. He was enjoying watching her struggle.

Lily turned from him grimacing, hastily trying to remove her shirt as stealthily as possible, all while avoiding the goop with her fingers.

“Oy, Professor!” Sirius called from where he was leaning back in his stool, trying to get a better view of her unintentional show. “Evans is stripping again!” She heard him do a ‘ _Slag!_ ’ cough and gritted her teeth.

She was able to tear her ruined top off and pull her robe over her bra before too many people got an eyeful. Unfortunately, the Marauders’ table was right next to hers.

“Miss Evans! Are you quite all right?” Professor Purdy asked hobbling over to her. He was a kind old man who’d been talking about how it was nearly time to retire for Lily’s entire school career. She could tell he loved Herbology too much to let go of teaching it quite yet.

“Yes, sorry Professor, a pod exploded, won’t happen again.” She shot James a look that screamed, ‘ _I will get my revenge, you just wait._ ’

“Oh! Oh my, are you hurt, dear? You should probably go to Madam Pomfrey to make sure your skin isn’t too badly burnt.”

“Thank you, Professor,” Lily said. She wasn’t happy about missing the rest of class, but her skin was already killing her.

“Mr Potter, why don’t you accompany Miss Evans to the hospital wing?”

“Oh, no need Professor, I’d rather die,” Lily replied so sweetly Purdy nodded before tilting his head to the side in realization. By that time, Lily was already out of the greenhouse and speed-walking to the castle.

James shrugged at the ancient professor. “Women.”

On the lawn, Lily heard someone calling her name, and was half ready to hex the offender into oblivion until she realized it was Remus.

“Damn, you walk fast,” the scrawny but tall, dirty blond panted as he fell into step with her.

“Remus,” she acknowledged. She wasn’t sure if she could say anything else at the moment. Once again his friend had utterly, publicly humiliated her. Once again she was being made to look weak in front of her peers. Once again he was acting like a 13 year old boy tugging on her pigtails for no fucking reason.

“Does it hurt?” he asked concerned.

Lily’s eyes sliced toward him, barely suppressed tears brimming in her eyes

“Right, dumb question,” Remus continued. “I’m sure he didn’t actually mean to—”

Lily snorted cruelly.

“Right,” he finished lamely. They walked the rest of the way in silence.

A young healer with tight blonde ringlets came out of her office as soon as they walked in. “Mr Lupin, what seems to be the problem?”

Lily assumed frequent hospital visits came with the Marauder turf.

“It’s not me, Poppy, it’s Lily.” _Poppy?!_ “She got exposed to Snargaluff pus.”

“Oh my, that’s not pleasant.” Madam Pomfrey turned to Lily. “Where’s the afflicted area?”

Lily embarrassedly motioned towards her bosom currently covered by her school robes with an open palm. “Very well. We’ll need to put salve on it and let it sit for several hours. Mr Lupin,” she turned to the other equally red-faced teen, “you can help Miss Evans by collecting the rest of her assignments for the day.”

“Of course,” Remus replied a little too fast, looking thoroughly relieved. _What did he think he was going to need to help with?_ Lily internally scoffed.

With that, Pomfrey shut the curtains around Lily and helped her remove her clothes from her already inflamed skin. “Tut tut, this may sting a little.” She summoned a tube of salve as she directed Lily to lie down on the bed. “Risky business puttering with class six magical plants. Very risky indeed.” It was a testament to Madam Pomfrey’s professionalism that rubbing thick paste all over Lily’s chest didn’t seem too horribly awkward. “This needs to set for at least three hours while you get some rest.”

“Um, what is it?” Lily asked curiously.

Pomfrey showed her the tube and Lily eagerly read the ingredients. “It’s good for all sorts of magical burns, but _not_ Blast-Ended Skrewts burns, never Blast-Ended Skrewts,” she mumbled, looking off to the floor, clearly lost in a memory.

“Why not?”

“The Dittany in it reacts badly to their fire, we don’t yet know why, it hasn’t been properly researched considering they’re a new breed,” she answered briskly. “Why do you ask?”

“Oh, uh,” Lily looked at her hands. “I want to be a healer after I graduate,” she admitted sheepishly. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever told anyone that other than McGonagall last year; it wasn’t like anyone else cared.

Pomfrey gave her a pleased nod. “Very well. You may come by my office any time if you have any questions,” the healer stated matter-of-factly. “But now, you must rest. You may summon me if you require any further assistance.” And with that, she promptly snapped the curtains closed, leaving Lily alone with her thoughts.

Lily sunk into her pillows, staring up at the chandelier above her, cold and in pain. _I’m going to fucking_ ** _end_** _Potter._ Her fervent rage kept her awake for a good hour until the salve started to work its magic, sending a soothing cool through her skin. The relief lulled her into a relaxed sleep.

Too bad it didn’t last. When she awoke, it looked like the sun was setting.

“Fucking finally,” an irritatingly familiar male voice broke through her sleepy haze.

“What the fuck?!” Lily shrieked, trying to pull up her blanket only to realize she was lying on top of it. Instead, she ended up mashing her breasts together and out of view under her hands. She hissed as the burn made the skin extra sensitive.

“Shh, Evans! You’ll get me thrown out,” James said quietly, getting to his feet and dropping a pile of notes on her lap.

“Good! You shouldn’t be here!” Lily sniped, causing James to roll his eyes as he cast a muffling spell around the curtains. “Why the fuck are you?”

“I’m here, Evans, to tell you about what you missed in class today and give you your homework.” He pointed to the papers. “So maybe, a ‘thank you’ is in order.”

“A ‘thank you’? A fucking ‘thank you’?!” Lily looked like she was going to blow in 3… 2… “Potter, the only reason I’m in here is because you attacked me with pus!”

“I told you, that was an accident, I got excited—”

“And now my chest is on fire—!”

“Yeah it is—”

“Will you just **shut up?!** Shut the fuck up, and get _out!_ ”

“Lily, I’m really—”

“GET OUT!” she screeched, truly losing any last composure she had left.

“All right, all right, jeez, calm down.“ James backed away from her. “Last time I try to do something nice for you.” His hand lingered on the opening between the curtains, looking over his shoulder. “By the way, your tits look amazing, even covered in paste.”

Lily screamed as she hurled her water glass at his retreating form. _The nerve! The bloody fucking nerve of that complete_ ** _wanker!_** _Of course_ _Potter is the first bloke to see my tits. The universe’s hatred of me strikes again! I need to tell Mary—_ her brain caught up with reality. She couldn’t tell Mary. She may never be able to tell Mary anything ever again.


	2. I’m Fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Serious Note: Depression is no joke. Know you are not alone, and there are resources out there. Lots of love <3

**_Later, September, 6th Year_ **

“Why are you doing this to me?” she panted as his arms enclosed around her waist, trapping her tightly against his body. Not that she needed a physical barrier to keep her firmly rooted to the spot; she was finding it hard enough to think, let alone coordinate bodily movement.

His hazel eyes met hers for a moment. He had to look down of course, being taller than her now, but somehow she didn’t mind. There was something so sexy about this stance, even if she would never admit it aloud. She got lost in the piercing gaze he was giving her, admiring the green that was interspersed within the honey of his irises. He didn’t answer her question, instead he focused on catching his breath. She felt it hot and sweet against her cheek. He bit his lip as his eyes darted back and forth to her mouth, the anticipation bubbling over in her stomach. She knew what was about to happen; she could feel it. Did she want him to? _Of course I do._

He closed the space between their faces and she parted her lips slightly…

**_MEH MEH MEH MEH MEH_ **

Lily groaned as she slammed her bedside table, missing the now very active alarm clock ringing annoyingly beside her. She remembered how the girls in her dormitory shot her very angry looks if she didn’t silence it right away. They never did approve of the fact that she had magicked her Muggle device into working within the castle or understand why she’d even bothered. Lily didn’t care — sure there were other magical ways to wake up in the morning, but however unpleasant this one was, it was a habit that she couldn’t quit — much like dreaming about a certain messy haired boy.

 _If Mary could see me now,_ Lily inwardly sighed. _She’d probably remark how some things truly never change._

After finally silencing the clock, Lily angrily pushed her long, tangled hair out of her face and groaned in frustration. _Why?_ Why did she still dream about him? Why was he all she ever thought about day in and out? Lily guessed it was better than her catatonic state last year, but like, _barely_.

Lily swung her legs over the edge of the bed and looked out the window — it was another bright and sunny September Monday and that only meant one thing to her: another long week ahead. Lily got her robe out and headed off to shower, determined **not** to think about how sexy yet another one of her dreams had been. She felt so fucking betrayed by her body — _I hate him!_ _He’s an asshole! He’s worse than a Dementor! He’s Voldemort in the flesh! He nearly burned you alive last week for fuck’s sake!_

The lady truly did protest too much.

She took a deep breath trying to calm her raging thoughts getting away with her. It wasn’t her mind she needed to convince, it was these bloody hormones. She needed to figure out a way to get the damn prat out of her system.

Lily turned on the shower, and climbed into the icy cold water.

☆☆☆

“Hey Lily!” greeted Benjy as she strolled down to the dining hall, hoping they still had chocolate spread left. He was eyeing her up and down hopefully, clearly liking what he saw.

And what was not to like? Lily was tall and slim in all the right places, with stunning eyes and hair most girls would die for. Or at least become so jealous of that they would stop being her friend. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t just because of the hair, but actually for reasons like the way Benjy was looking at her right now. Mary, the complete knockout that she was, had been one of the only girls who hadn’t been intimidated by all the attention Lily got. There had briefly been another Gryffindor girl, Brianna, that she’d befriended 4th year; however, that relationship had crumbed when Brianna’s boyfriend hit on her during Transfiguration class. Lily assumed the girl had gotten her revenge though, because the boy had shown up to dinner later as a goat. It had been a rather impressive bit of magic for a 4th year.

Lily often doubted herself, thinking that maybe she was doing something wrong and just didn’t ‘get’ this whole girl world, as if there was some sort of secret that she was missing. _Am I normal?_ But as the years went on, she decided that maybe life would be better off alone. _Look out for number one, because, who believes in loyalty these days anyway?_

Lily mentally kicked herself. She was trying to think less of these kind of thoughts this year. She was trying to turn a new leaf. It was _6th year_ now. _Fuck that 5th year shitshow. This one can be different._

“Hi Benjy,” she responded nicely, “how’s your girlfriend?” She knew it was a bit harsh, but he deserved it.

She did not need another girl raging around the school claiming how Lily Evans had ‘seduced’ her man away from her. She’d been particularly peeved by this line of gossip in the past. Lily hadn’t even been asked out by a single guy since the disastrous fallout of her date with James. It was like boys would like to window shop with her — ogling her from behind the glass but never really giving her a chance.

Her comment worked. Benjy’s playerish smirk slipped off his face like Stinksap and he wandered off mumbling under his breath. It was too bad: Benjy wasn’t the worst guy, and Lily was quite sure that she could have been friends with him under other circumstances.

 _But when is life ever fair?_ James had made sure she knew all about that.

Trying not to think about past injustices, Lily sat herself down and took a roll, summoning the chocolate over shortly afterwards. A few meters away, a group of boys were on their third helpings.

“Lily-dearest looks mighty cheery today,” Sirius said without the slightest air of interest. His cold eyes shone intensely and were probably the reason why a gaggle of girls who had just passed him started giggling madly. He swung his head to move the hair from his eyes and glanced at his best friend. “How did your visit to the hospital wing go anyway?”

“Uneventful,” replied James nonchalantly. He licked his thick lips as he pushed away his plate. He turned his head to look at her and was surprised to see her quickly avert her eyes. Her cheeks were a lot rosier than they had been when she walked in and she was toying with her hair. He smirked knowing he’d caught her staring but wondered silently why she’d already been blushing.

Lily rose off the bench only a moment later, cursing herself for having looked at Potter just when he had the sheer nerve of licking those damn kissable lips. _Stupid dream, stupid boy!_ she kept chanting in her head as she made her way to Transfiguration class without actually having eaten a single bite.

She had just settled herself into her usual spot when a bag was slung onto the table and she heard a scraping sound as the seat to her right was occupied. “Hey,” said a melodic voice she knew only too well, “mind if I sit here?”

_Is he planning on finishing the job of trying to kill me by sheer annoyance?_

Lily looked around the room for the rest of his buddies: Lupin was trying to dissuade Sirius from doing something that was no doubt very stupid while Peter just watched excitedly. None of them seemed to notice that their ringleader had abandoned them for the period. _Unless he warned them in advance_ , she thought grimly.

“I don’t care, _Potter_ , just keep your hands to yourself,” she tried answering as casually as she could. James, having already sat down anyway, waited for her to look at him — or at the very least acknowledge his presence. Instead, Lily stared determinedly in front of her, waiting for McGonagall to start the lesson, quill at the ready.

“Soo,” James started, “why were you all hot and bothered this morning at breakfast?”

Lily looked over to him. He was so direct now. He _used_ to skirt around issues and would never outright admit that he’d been watching her without her even knowing. He used to fiddle with his shirt and shoot her shy glances with a blush on his cheeks and a small upturn in his lips. He used to throw her sweet compliments and get flustered as hell when she’d thrown him a few back. It had been cute. She’d _liked_ him then.

Lily internally scolded herself for allowing the small trip down memory lane. _The past is the past and you’ll never get it back._

He was arrogant now, no longer just self-assured, and that cockiness must have translated into him thinking he could ask whomever, whatever he wanted.

 _Ha, like I’ll ever tell you_. “That most certainly is **none** of your business, Potter. Now sh, I’m trying to pay attention.”

“But the lesson hasn’t started yet.”

Lily didn’t reply. She had gone back to keeping her eyes on the blackboard. James leaned his head over and gave her an ‘are you kidding me?’ look that she obviously didn’t see.

To Lily’s great relief, McGonagall started her lesson shortly after. The professor had already impressed upon them the importance of their N.E.W.T. exams coming up at the end of _next_ year for the past two weeks and now scrutinized them all over her glasses. “For today’s lesson we shall be further attempting human transformations. Due to the serious nature of this form of magic, I must ask all of you to give your full attention to the task at hand,” she looked pointedly at Sirius and the empty chair next to him. Lily saw James smirking out of the corner of her eye. “These transfigurations are very complicated and can result in very messy accidents.”

Sirius was leaning his chair back, grinning doggishly. Peter looked at him and scrunched up his nose as though he couldn’t believe he was allowed to be in on such a good joke.

“Therefore, I ask you to refrain from your usual mischievous urges,” her eyes finally found James, and she briefly pondered his odd location in her classroom, “and concentrate on putting the theory we have already gone over into practice. Now please pair off with the person sitting next to you and take turns transforming them into the animal of your choice.”

At this last bit, Lily froze up. _Oh no. No way_. _No_ ** _fucking_** _way._ She looked quickly to her left, but to her absolute horror, there was no one there. Students all around them had started to get up — wait, there was no _them_. There had never been a damn _them_ and there would never be a _them_. It was just her, Lily, taking care of herself—

“Well, then. What animal do you want me to turn you into, Evans?” James was studying her with one arm over the back of his chair and his body turned in her direction. He had his legs opened to either side of her chair, as though inviting her in. _Not inviting you, just rudely manspreading, jesus fucking christ, Lily._

Lily scoffed and rolled her eyes as the brunette in front of them — _damn it, her! In front of_ _her_ _—_ snuck a fourth glance at James since the lesson had begun. “Potter, Potter, Potter. Even if you somehow could manage to transform me into an animal, I would never let you do it.” Lily knew James was the best Transfiguration student of their year, of probably the entire school, yet she really didn’t care. She didn’t want to admit his talent in this subject and found it highly annoying that he happened to have so many other areas of expertise.

At the end of 4th year, James had jokingly told Lily that with her skills in Charms and his in Transfiguration, they were a perfect match. _“You’re good at changing what something does, and I’m good at changing what they are. See? When we’re together, we’re unstoppable!” She’d giggled at his eager face. “Plus you’re really good at cutting things up into little pieces and burning them,” he’d slung an arm around her shoulder, “so no one would ever bother us.”_ It had taken Lily an embarrassingly long time to realize he’d been describing Potions.

James looked around the class bored. Johnson had already managed to transform Fallon’s arms into two bat wings and was trying to calm her down whilst playing it cool. This approach was very much failing.

“You know if you don’t choose one, I’ll have to choose for you.” James’ lips slanted into an appealing shape. For a moment, Lily forgot that she really shouldn’t be staring at him and did. What animal would he turn her into? Could he actually pull it off? Why was she so damn turned on that he was sitting so close to her and paying her attention again? **_Shit_**.

“Five points to Gryffindor, well done Mr Black.” McGonagall looked proud. Lily looked up and saw Sirius standing in front of a wolf, who three seconds later turned back into a very livid looking Lupin.

“I’m going first,” Lily insisted as she got up and motioned for James to do the same.

He shrugged and stood in front of her, clasping his hands together after giving her a little bow. “But of course, ladies first.” His eyes sparkled.

 _Now, what animal to turn you into? How about a filthy little cockroach that I can ‘accidentally’ then kill and feign innocence? Or a rhinoceros so everyone can see just how thick skulled you are? Or… or…_ but Lily could not reach a decision. James stood still patiently waiting as utter chaos was exploding all around them.

She knew she must look like a complete idiot. She always looked like an idiot when James Potter was involved and that’s why she cursed herself for not having the willpower to stop thinking about him. _But he approached you… again._ She reminded herself. _He sat by you, you can’t blame yourself for that._ Lily noticed the voice in her head sounded like Mary just then.

James watched the emotions flint across Lily’s gorgeous face: concentration, anger, resentment… pain? What on earth was this girl going to turn him into?

Finally, Lily focused her eyes on his neck as to not get distracted. That was right before she remembered a particularly good part of her dream the night before. “Um. What are we supposed to do again?” It was a horrible cover-up, but she needed to say something to distract him from the redness that she was sure was creeping up her cheeks this very second.

“Just concentrate hard on the animal, say the incantation and this,” he gave his wand an odd sort of jiggle. “You sure you don’t—”

“Yes, yes, I got it, Potter,” she snarled.

He rolled his eyes; course ice queen Evans had everything under control. She concentrated hard on his Quidditch Captain badge, the only part of him she had thankfully not had some sort of sexual fantasy about, and did as he had just instructed her to.

There was a loud clunk and all of a sudden James was hopping up and down on one foot cursing loudly. On the ground lay a large Skrewt, seemingly carved out of silver. “Evans! What in Merlin’s name were you trying to do?! I know you don’t like me, but _this_ ,” he pointed dramatically to the heavy Skrewt statue, ”is surely going above and beyond the call of hatred.” There was a long beat. "Wait a second.” He looked from the silver at his feet to the front of his robes, understanding dawning on his face. “Evans, did you attempt to turn me into a **Blast-Ended Skrewt?!** ”

It was Lily’s turn to smirk, although, somewhat bashfully in her own way. “Well, I thought it would be easiest to transform you into something that burns, stings and looks like a monster all in one. You know, good likeliness.”

“Charming, Evans, as always. However, next time you _attempt_ the transfiguration, try focusing on the person instead of their badge. Watch this.” Before Lily had time to react, James had whipped out his wand and silently performed the spell. Lily felt a peculiar shrinking sensation and was suddenly staring at the bottom of his robes.

Rage swelled inside of her and she opened her mouth, several swear words vying to come out first: “ ** _Meeeeow!_** ”

_What. Just. Happened?_

“Aw, look at the lil kitty!” squealed the brunette Lily had spotted checking out James earlier. “James, that was really, really good! How did you get so good at… magic?”

James didn’t have time to answer, _although he would probably have loved to tell her all about it,_ thought Lily venomously. McGonagall walked up to them between the desks. “Very good Mr Potter, excellent work. Glad to see you’ve been paying attention after all.”

“To every word, Minnie,” said James with his trademark grin.

Lily let out a hiss. _Only he would get away with such extreme lack of respect for his superiors. It was insane how much of the school he had wrapped around his—_

“Oh, don’t you get jealous now, kitty,” James cooed as he swooped down and picked up Lily (the kitten) gingerly. “I haven’t forgotten about you.”

Lily tried scratching his face, but he held her up to his chest with one hand against her back so she was unable to reach him. With the other hand, he gently scratched behind her ears. She let out an involuntary purr, _damn that feels good_ , and then tried biting him instead. This was so wrong. Only in Hogwarts could a guy get away with transforming you into a cat, hold you in his arms while making you sing with pleasure and probably get 5 points for his House because of it.

“Who’s a good kitty? Who is?” James pouted his lips towards her and patted her deep red coat.

The kitten squinted her almond green eyes in a very Lily-like fashion. “Wow Evans, even as a kitten you’re downright scary,” James said with a laugh. “All right, I’ll restore you to usual, what a bummer. You’re so _cute_ now.”

Sirius, who Remus had transformed into a giant black dog with a vengeful smile, barked wildly across the room.

James muttered the reverse incantation. Lily became a woman again; however, she was still in the same position as she had been as a kitten — namely pressed against his chest with one of his hands against her back. For a moment they just looked at each other. James swallowed and Lily watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down. Even through both of their robes, Lily could feel the hardness of his chest.

Then she remembered that her own chest currently hurt _since he’d burned the skin off of it._

“A kitten? _Really_??” she spat, pushing him away.

“Well, I was gonna do a tiger, but then thought you might pounce on me,” James replied defensively.

“Oh please, you _wish_ I’d pounce on you.” It had become a well practiced bit for them to imply that the other secretly wanted to bang the shit out of them.

“Ha, that’s right. High-and-mighty Evans is above such things as hormones. Let alone _feelings_.”

Lily didn’t know what to say to this. It stung her because for a few months, yeah, she kind of _had_ shut down **everything**. It had been her form of self-preservation; but from what little she could recall of it, it hadn’t been pretty. How could he use that against her like this?

She couldn’t let him know his insult had landed, so she turned away hiding the sudden wetness of her eyes. _Queen Bitch Evans doesn’t have feelings. Hear that Lily? Suck it up._

“I’m getting a new partner,” she mumbled gathering her stuff and walking away.

“Good luck! And make sure they don’t have any badges.”

She hated him so bloody much.

☆☆☆

By the end of the day, Lily was completely emotionally drained. The Marauders gave her a wide berth after Transfiguration, but even still _seeing_ him in all her classes (besides Arithmancy) was exhausting. How was it only the first month and she already wanted, no _needed,_ a break?

Lily thought about her foster parents and reconsidered — Hogwarts would have to do.

Lily sat on her bed, pulling her notebook towards her. She used to write letters to Mary, keeping her abreast of all the happenings at school as well as her own mental state, but her mother had written her back asking her, in no uncertain terms, to terminate correspondence immediately. Lily supposed it was for the best — Lily was being selfish and Mary had her own problems to deal with.

So now, she just wrote in her book. She guessed it was technically a diary, but she still wrote her entries in the form of letters to Mary. The words just seemed to flow easier that way. And sure, pretending like she was writing to someone else made her feel like there actually _was_ someone else there.

“That was weird today, wasn’t it, Lily?” The soft voice of Marlene McKinnon made Lily jolt.

She looked up to see her kind, pale face surrounded by straight blonde hair. Next to her, former friend, Brianna played with her nails. Lily thought Marlene wasn’t that bad, but she could never be too sure of her intentions.

“What was?” Lily asked.

“The whole animal morphing thing? My partner turned me into a fish and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, so that sucked.”

Lily let out a small laugh, realizing things could always be worse. “Yeah, definitely weird.”

☆☆☆

A few weeks passed and Lily tried her hardest to feel normal again. She tried to regain that carefree persona she’d had up until 5th year — but it was so hard.

Being ‘herself’ had become acting. She’d played a role so long this summer, she wondered if she’d slowly become _that_ person instead.

Now that she’d allowed herself to feel again, allowed her heart and brain free rein to return to non-survival mode levels of activity, she found that most of time, all she felt was pain… and anger. A whole, pulsating inferno of white-hot wrath.

5th year had been the worst year of Lily Evans’ life. Looking back at it, she had no idea how she’d even survived it. She thought maybe a part of her actually hadn’t.

The year had started ordinarily enough — if not rather great. She’d had a best friend living a bed over from her, a good friend from Slytherin who she was hellbent on beating the odds and old stupid House rivalries with, a new prefect badge commemorating all her hard work and social sacrificing, and yes, a crush. She’d had a crush on a messy-haired boy who by some miracle seemed to fancy her right back. She was living the ideal 15 year old life.

And the saddest part about it? In the depths of this dark, twisted despondency she found herself drowning in, she still felt something else. Despite her numbness to most feelings, as if by some cruel joke, she could still feel with crystal clarity the stab of rejection from James Potter the most. As if her fucking anatomy betrayed her soul and was trying to remind her — every damn day — that being undesirable to James Potter was somehow the worst tragedy that had befallen her last year.

It made her sick. She felt disgusting. She felt like a traitor to her friend who’d left school for fear of her own safety, to her parents who were _dead,_ and to herself. Because Lily would love to believe that she was better than letting one, single boy destroy her like this.

And yet she knew: she was wrong. She wasn’t better than that. Not even close.

Lily knew she was depressed. And yet, James was somehow, _insultingly_ , one of the only things that made her feel alive anymore, even if it was currently only in lust and _anger_.

Somehow, the fact that he bothered to even bother her meant he cared, if only a little. This fact was basically all she felt like she had going for her anymore. When Lily would yell and scream at him, it sometimes reminded her that she wasn’t dead yet.

_I’m fine._

**_I’m fine._ **

I’m fine.

Lily Evans told herself this at least five times a day. Presently, she was doing so while absentmindedly miming stabbing herself in the gut with an imaginary knife that she knew she’d never actually wield. It was a truly insane nervous habit she’d picked up somewhere in the past year that gave her frayed nerves a weird sense of relief. She knew she’d never actually kill herself, but the action still soothed her. In some twisted way, it made her feel like she had some semblance of control over her life. Even though she knew nothing could be farther from the truth.

She had no control over anything whatsoever.


	3. Claimed

**_Later, September, 6th Year_ **

“Hey Lily, do you have a minute?”

When Head Boy Paxton stopped her in the Entrance Hall, Lily thought nothing of it. The handsome, tall Ravenclaw probably wanted to talk to her about prefect duties. It was no big deal.

“Of course, what’s up?” she naturally obliged.

A waft of expensive cologne hit her nose as he shifted closer to her. “You know, October’s coming up.”

It was. What of it?

Paxton continued with the confidence of someone who had always enjoyed immense school popularity, “Do you have a date to Hogsmeade already?”

For one embarrassingly dense moment, she actually thought, _What the fuck does that have to do with being a prefect?_ until it hit her. _Oh._ ****

Lily briefly registered that she should probably be smiling demurely, maybe even batting her eyelashes and giving him a coy, yet pleasantly encouraging, response. Instead, she found herself blurting out, “Why?”

Paxton chuckled at her reaction, undeterred. “Because, I’d like to take you, if you’ll let me.” He gave her a dashing smile showcasing his unnaturally white teeth all perfectly lined up.

_Huh. A date. Well, I’ll be damned._ No one had ever asked her out on a date since… James. She didn’t blame anyone — she supposed asking out a walking zombie wasn’t all too appealing. Lily mentally patted herself on the back that her efforts to _try_ must finally be paying off.

She felt the corner of her mouth twitch of its own volition. “Is that so?” She was flirting. Oh my Merlin, she was _flirting_ , and it actually felt kind of good. “Are prefects allowed to go on dates with the Head Boy?”

He leaned into her conspiringly. “Well, you see, I make the rules, so I don’t see why the hell not.”

She was fully smiling now. “In that case. Yes, I’d like to go with you.” Lily felt the tiniest tea light find its flame in her stomach.

“Great. We can talk details after the next meeting.” He gave her a saucy look and was off with a, “See you ‘round, Lily.”

Lily remained rooted to the spot, mulling things over. _Huh. Michael Paxton. A date. Me._ Honestly, it seemed like the whole thing had sort of snuck up on her. Sure, she’d noticed Paxton was attractive in that macho-man type of way, which girl or queer boy hadn’t? But she’d never actually noticed him noticing her. She guessed she’d have to add it to the list of things to catch up on now that she was trying to be present.

While everything was going to shit, there had been one aspect of her life where Lily considered herself very lucky — her grades had never been better. Lily knew some people dealing with depression, maybe even most, would have seen a fall in their academics — but not her. It was as though her learning strived in it. Her brain had soaked up every opportunity for magical distraction and in turn offered her an hour or two at a time of sweet solace. Studying had sort of become an addiction at that point.

There were only two painfully obvious exceptions to this saving grace. The first had happened during Defense Against the Dark Arts class when everyone had been conjuring their Patronuses and not even a silver wisp had come from Lily’s wand. Her teacher had given her a small pitying look and assigned her an extra paper on the theory so she wouldn’t have to take a failing mark. Not being able to produce the required happy thoughts had been a little on the nose.

The second exception she hadn’t expected. Professor Slughorn had been very excited at the beginning of class one day and asked his favorite student to join him up front. Looking back at it, Lily realized it was probably the old man’s misguided attempt at cheering her up. He’d uncorked a small bottle of mother-of-pearl liquid, letting out spirals of steam, and asked her what she smelled.

“Nothing.”

Slughorn had chuckled, thinking she was joking, and tried again, telling her not to be shy. Perhaps he’d assumed she’d recognized just what potion it was.

Dumb Potter had piped up. “She probably can’t smell it because she’s used to it.”

After getting flustered, Slughorn had excused Lily and explained that the bottle contained Amortentia — the most powerful love potion around.

Lily was so humiliated that the whole class had seen she was broken — unable to smell a single thing that inspired love. _And fucking Potter thinks I’d stoop so low as to be making love potions in my spare time._ She'd been so pissed that she couldn't even look back at him. If she had, she would have seen he was practically glowing crimson in the dimly lit room.

☆☆☆

News had spread like wildfire that Michael Paxton was taking Lily Evans out on a date _._ By the next morning, a few 4th years claimed they’d seen them snogging in the bushes out front and Janet Creevey swore she’d witnessed Paxton with his hands up her skirt in Charms. The fact that Paxton and Lily didn’t even have any classes together seemed non-consequential.

So, Lily shouldn’t have been surprised when she passed the Marauders on her way to Defense Against the Dark Arts class and overheard James angrily whispering to his friends. “… because he’s the damn Head Boy, this is the only way!”

“I don’t know why the hell you still bother,” Sirius replied.

_They’re probably talking about another dumb prank they don’t want to be caught in, doesn’t mean it has anything to do with you,_ she chided herself.

“Evans!” _Never mind._ Lily startled as James pulled up to her, his friends taking off in front of them. He snatched her bag from right off of her shoulder and slung it over his. Lily knew he’d always been quite adamant that he and he alone was allowed to torture her. She assumed he was probably jealous that people were gossiping about anyone other than him. His precious ego couldn’t handle it.

“Is it true?” He looked mad.

“Potter, just give me back my bag, I’m not in the mood.”

“I asked — is it true?” He paused between each word for emphasis.

Lily stopped in her tracks and spun to him, trying to rip her bag off him herself. _Why does the boy have to be so bloody tall and strong?_ “And I’ve told you, I don’t need you to carry my stuff for me, you giant ignoramus.”

“You want to see my anus?”

Lily’s eyes narrowed as her mind faltered, trying to come up with a proper response to his immaturity. She settled on: “How fucking old are you?” Her hands clenched the air in front of her like she wished they were smothering the life out of him instead. “You know what? Keep it.” She strode onwards toward the third floor.

“Aw, thanks, Evans, you’re too kind.” His long legs easily caught up to her. Mary had been right, he’d kept growing to about 1.9 meters. Lily lamented the tasty height could not have been wasted on a more insufferable prat. “So, you’re dating again?” he continued seriously.

Lily could feel her face heating up. “What I do is none of your concern, Potter.”

“I don’t know about that. I’m kinda concerned.”

She gave him a sideways glance. He had to be taking the mickey out of her. “And why’s that?” she bit.

“Because Paxton’s an utter arse. He’s super conceited.”

Lily rolled her eyes from the hypocrisy of it all. “Well. Guess those are the only type of blokes who ask me out,” she retorted icily.

“Wait, who else asked?” James questioned suspiciously, his attention fully on her now. Lily looked at him like he’d lost his mind. She waited for it to hit him. “Oh, just me then?”

_Why is he so relieved by that?_ “Potter,” they’d reached the classroom door now, “just piss off and leave me the fuck alone, yeah?” She stuck out her palm expectantly.

“I make no promises,” he said giving her a ( _hot, bloody hell_ ) smirk as he placed her bag strap in her hand. Lily made a mental note to carry less books around all day; it weighed a ton.

She scoffed at him and turned on her heel quickly, taking her usual seat at the front of the room seconds before class was meant to start. She angrily dropped her bag to the floor.

**_CLACK._ ** ****

If the sound of glass breaking didn’t get everyone’s attention, the distinct smell of Firewhiskey now wafting from Lily’s soaked bag sure did. Lily’s eyes widened in horror as the alcohol pooled around her and she spun to the teacher watching her in disbelief — the incredibly _new_ teacher, who didn’t yet know _she_ was to be trusted and the Marauders _weren’t._ She couldn’t believe she’d been too distracted by James winding her up to not notice him slipping the bottle into her bag. “It’s not mine,” she squeaked.

Professor Stone looked around the room, quickly assessing the situation. Lily registered the young teacher didn’t want to appear weak so early into term — and that she was doomed. “Detention. Tonight. Meet me here at 8.”

Lily slouched in her chair. It was only her second detention ever. The first had felt just as unfair, but at least it was for punching someone in the face and not because of a blatant set up.

“Sorry, Professor?” Speaking of people Lily would just **love** to punch in the face right about now, James had spoken up. She wondered if he had the balls to admit it was his doing and exonerate her. “I can’t take this guilt any longer.” Lily crossed her arms over her chest, anxiously waiting for the moment of truth. “I must confess: it was _I_ who sold Lily the contraband Firewhiskey. It is only fair that I suffer the same consequences for my actions.” She didn’t have to see his face to know he was pulling his faux-contrite look that he’d pulled on the dozens of scorned women in his life. _Pathetic._

“Very well,” her (apparently idiot) professor agreed. “I’ll see you here tonight as well.”

“What?!” Lily bolted upright. “You can’t be serious—”

Stone cut her off as she pulled out her wand, “You’ve already made quite enough of a scene today Miss Evans, I’d like to begin my lesson now.”

_Wonderful._ Lily wasn’t sure if she’d ever had a teacher dislike her before. She slowly turned in her seat until her death glare landed on her stupid-ass former crush. “Fuck. You,” she mouthed.

The bastard winked at her.

☆☆☆

Lily dragged her feet down Serpentine Corridor absolutely dreading the next hour ( _hours? How long were normal detentions anyway?_ ) of her life. The girls in her dorm had genuinely seemed interested in talking to her that night, all eager to hear more details on Paxton. It was all quite disconcerting really. She’d much have preferred a slower reintroduction to socializing — a toe in the water rather than being dunked into an ice cold bath as it were.

“Evans, so glad you could join us,” Potter said, leaning against the teacher’s desk. He’d ditched his robe and had rolled up his sleeves to his elbows, showing off those tan forearms, toned and sinewy from hours of Quidditch practice. She made a mental note to try to look at him as little as possible tonight. She wasn’t the only one who noticed how good he looked; Professor Stone’s eyes were lingering on him for a second too long from her chair.

_Great. Looks like he’s already charmed her pants right off._ If Lily wasn’t mistaken, it looked like the professor’s cheeks were slightly rosy. If only it were appropriate to warn her — woman to woman — of the perils of falling for Potter’s charisma.

“Right,” Stone said standing up and pulling out two pieces of parchment and quills. “I’d like you to write lines for me tonight.” _Fabulous, how very productive._ “How about, ‘I must not break the rules’?”

Lily nearly snorted. James could do with getting that tattooed on his arm.

“Of course, Jennifer, how many times?” James said smoothly.

Lily and Stone both looked at James. The former in sick bafflement, the latter like she wanted nothing more than for him to say her name again.

“Um, a hundred? Does that sound fair?”

Lily couldn’t suppress her eye roll that time, but luckily, the professor only had eyes for James.

“Plenty fair, thank you,” James answered, picking up his chair and placing it directly opposite Lily, his back to the board. Stone looked like she was going to object, but thought better of it when she saw he’d already started writing, looking like the poster boy of virtue.

_And that’s how it’s done…_ Lily shook her head. If she hadn’t been on the receiving end of his duplicitous charm, she may have been impressed by how flawlessly he pulled it off. Charm had always gotten Lily Evans in trouble; charm had always gotten James Potter out of it.

He caught her appraising him and innocently pointed to her parchment, as if admonishing her for not yet having started like he had. Lily considered lighting the goddamn thing on fire just to spite him.

However, Stone was still watching her, so Lily took a deep breath, shed her robe, and picked up her quill. She’d only gotten a few lines in before Sirius burst into the room panting.

“Professor! I need your help! There’s some sort of dark creature in the dungeons!” He was truly a terrible actor.

Stone hurriedly grabbed her wand, looking mighty happy to be needed. “You two, just keep going, I’ll be back!” she called over her shoulder as she rushed out.

_Poor woman. So eager to prove herself that she doesn’t see an obvious Marauder ploy when it lands on her doorstep._ Sirius confirmed her suspicions when he winked at James before following Stone out and closing the door.

And then they were alone.

James pulled out his wand and charmed their quills to keep writing their lines for them. Lily looked down, amazed that hers was even copying her handwriting, but she kept her face blank — he didn’t deserve her awe.

James leaned back in his chair, his eyes scanning her up and down hungrily at a snail’s pace. “Now we can talk.”

Lily crossed her arms but instantly regretted it when James’ gaze flickered down to her cleavage. “Did you seriously orchestrate all of this,” she motioned around the room, “so that you could _talk_ to me?!”

“Well Evans, how else was I gonna do it?”

“I don’t know, how bout like a normal fucking human being and just _speaking to me in the common room?_ ” she said incredulously.

James cocked a brow. “You would have listened?”

_No._

“You wouldn’t have thrown something at me?”

_Perhaps._

“You wouldn’t have just run away?”

_Yes._ _And I would have slammed my door so hard you would have heard it seven floors down._ “I don’t run **away** , Potter.”

James snorted, not believing her. “Sure you don’t. You’re clearly _so_ good at dealing with your problems.”

“The fuck is **that** supposed to mean?” Lily snapped.

James’ mouth tugged up sideways. “I think you know.” He rested both his forearms onto the desk and leaned forward. “Now. What do you see in him?”

Lily let out a cruel laugh. “Who?”

“Don’t play dumb, Evans. It doesn’t suit you.”

“Yeah, I’ll leave that to the expert.”

“Evans…” he warned.

“What?”

“That was a terrible insult and you’re stalling.” He shrugged like it were obvious. Like he even would know the first thing about her. It only made her madder.

“No. I just don’t want to talk to you,” she said plainly.

“And why’s that?” He was starting to look far too pleased. She had to take him down a notch.

“Because: I. Don’t. Like. You.” Lily leaned towards him a little bit more with every word. They were like magnets, finally turned around to opposite poles, invisibly being drawn together with little hope of fighting it. The only thing separating them was a narrow desk — and six years of emotional baggage.

His eyes flitted between hers dangerously. He knew he had her. “You’re lying,” he whispered.

Lily told herself the goosebumps erupting over her flesh were due to this drafty old castle, or perhaps a nearby ghost. Certainly not because she was close enough to count the light brush of freckles sweeping over his nose, or see the curl of his thick eyelashes. Definitely not because of how hearing his soft voice made her skin prickle. “How do you figure?” There was no way he could know how her body reacted to his…

“Because, you’re wearing a push-up bra.”

Of all the things he could of said, _that_ was possibly the least expected. “W-what?” she sputtered, feeling a blush spreading across her cheeks as she leaned back, away from him and this spell he was trying to cast on her.

James grinned naughtily at her discomfort. “Well, you are, aren’t you? I’d like to think I know your tits very well by now.” His eyes drifted as he ran a hand through his hair. “Even before I saw them last week in the flesh.”

Lily felt her hands starting to shake, begging for permission to whip him straight across the face like he deserved. “You’re fucking unbelievable.”

“Am I wrong?”

“About what?” Lily spat out, willing the floor to swallow her up so she could disappear forever.

“The bra,” he answered.

“I don’t dress myself for your benefit, Potter.”

“Then why’d you change it before detention?” he asked brazenly.

Lily’s face froze, looking at him with her mouth agape as if scared of him and all the things he noticed about her. “How did you…?”

James gave her a charming wink. “I like your body. I know what it looks like.”

Lily realized her mouth was still open; she drew in a ragged breath, then snapped it shut, looking to her lap, utterly humiliated once again. He was so bad for her fragile nerves.

“Come on, Evans, don’t get shy on me now.” James bit his bottom lip cheekily as he kicked his legs out. “I’m taking it as a compliment.”

Lily’s eyes trailed back up to his. She couldn’t let him get the last laugh, even if fighting him ended up being the death of her. “You’re a fucking git.”

“A fucking git whom you fancy,” he replied cockily.

“Not anymore.” She pointedly stared him down, feeling the muscle in her jaw twitch as she clenched it. She needed to get out of this room before she did something stupid.

He studied her, tilting his head. Some of his soft locks fell appealing to his forehead. His mischievous eyes told her he was ignoring her last vehement protest. “Which begs the question: why did you say yes to Paxton?”

Lily scoffed. “Jealous much?”

“Oh, extremely. But humor me.” His blunt honesty always startled her.

If he could fuck with her, she could most certainly dish it right back. “Well, he’s older for one.”

The jab hit as the boy two months younger than her growled and looked out the window.

“Also he’s Head Boy. That’s hot,” she continued cooly.

“Only you would find that pompous title attractive, Evans.”

Lily could see she was getting to him. She decided to dig the nail in a little deeper. “Plus, he has good eyesight. That’s imperative for survival purposes. Wouldn’t want to slum it with some blind bloke.”

He looked back at her through his black, square-rimmed glasses unamused, much to her delight. The sound of their charmed quills scratching away punctured the silence.

“I’m taller,” he finally deadpanned.

Lily held in a chuckle. “Barely.”

“I’m better at Quidditch.”

“Huh?”

“We kicked Ravenclaw’s arses last year.”

“Okay,” Lily pondered, “but by your logic, if we’re going off of Quidditch skills alone, wouldn’t that mean I could only date Slytherins?” James made a disgusted hissing noise. “I mean, they _do_ have the Cup this year, right?” She knew it was still a sore spot for him.

She saw his anger through his clenched fists. “Well, I’m Captain this year, so we’ll get it back.”

“Wow, I’m so surprised,” she mocked. “Your arrogance strikes again.”

“I’m not arrogant, Evans. I’m confident.”

Lily couldn’t help the loud snort that now echoed around the empty room.

“And clearly, I’m funnier,” he said, a small smile playing on his lips.

“Me laughing **at** you doesn’t make you funny, Potter.”

James stopped the quills before they wrote over the edge of the parchment and laid them on Stone’s desk while Lily quickly gathered her robe, slipping it on over her shoulders. She wasn’t sure if she could last a second longer in his presence without killing or fucking him on the table — and she wasn’t sure which would have been worse. She’d forgotten how good he smelled and how gorgeous she found his eyes — always aglow with the promise of trouble. She’d forgotten just how bloody fit his body was, and how her own longed for it. She shouldn’t have been fighting the urge to want to run her hands through his lustrous hair and kiss her way up the veins of his forearms — but she had. She had been fighting it since the moment she stepped through the threshold.

Suddenly, James was in front of her, taking advantage of her distracted state, pushing her until the back of her thighs hit the desk and she was trapped against his chest. “And you sassing me doesn’t hide the fact that you want me,” he told her huskily.

Before she had time to do more than open her mouth, a fiery retort hot on her tongue, he bent down capturing her lips with his as his hands possessively grabbed her waist. His warm fingers traveled around her body and up her spine as he aggressively deepened the kiss.

Lily’s mind went blank, all her anger dissipating, as she felt his lips caressing hers, and felt her body responding. His teeth nipped at her bottom lip, teasing her until she granted him access. Her own hands were on his chest somehow; Lily didn’t remember reaching for him, but she couldn’t help but like it. He did something with his tongue that elicited an unexpected moan and — _holy fucking shit, how is he such a good kisser?_ This kiss was nothing like their first one had been. The first had been sweet, tentative, and as perfect as the snow that had graced their shoulders when it happened. This one was rough, dominating, and determined to drive Lily to the brink of sexual depravity.

When James finally pulled away, Lily was left breathless in his arms, wet in places she hadn’t been touched, with her world completely upside down. _What the hell?_ She gingerly brought her fingertips to her swollen lips, staring resolutely to her other hand still resting on his sternum. She felt a vicious thumping and wasn’t sure if it was his heart or hers. Her lips were on fire, a fire spreading through her body like pulsating poison that she was too late to stop. The words _I’m alive_ bounced around her head, wanting to be appreciated and celebrated.

She needed a moment.

James didn’t give her one. With one long finger, he tilted her chin up to him, forcing her to look into his eyes. “Don’t go out with him.”

Lily couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t think, and how was she supposed to do either when those damn gold-flecked eyes were drinking her in. “What?”

“Don’t go out with him,” he repeated sternly. He took a beat to make sure she’d registered the words, then turned on his heel and walked out the door.

Lily stood perfectly still, dumbstruck, and watched him go.


	4. Worst Fear

**_Later That Night, September, 6th Year_ **

“What the fuck is he playing at?” Lily whispered to herself, shuffling back to Gryffindor Tower in an absolute daze. Where did he get off thinking he could just mind-fuck her like that?! She’d been _excited_ to go on a date with Paxton! She’d been looking forward to it! Did she like him? No, but she was at least trying, wasn’t she? She had to start somewhere, didn’t she? Maybe she could have started liking him afterwards — wasn’t that the whole point of a first date?

But she wasn’t excited anymore; James Potter had seen to that. He’d tainted any possibility of a new relationship before it had even been given a chance. How could she go out with the guy when all she’d see if she did would be James’ hazel eyes boring into hers, telling her not to?

He’d ruined it. _Like he always ruins everything…_

Lily pushed her way into her dorm room, undressing by her bed.

“Rough detention?” While the other girls chatted amongst themselves, Marlene was looking at Lily, sitting on the neighboring mattress. Her bed had been moved over to fill the spot where Mary’s had been.

Lily hadn’t even registered that she wasn’t alone in the room. “Yeah, yeah,” she replied absentmindedly as she pulled on her pajamas, ready to crash.

“I heard from Sirius that Stone doesn’t really know what she’s doing yet. He said she even asked him what she was supposed to assign during detention.” Marlene giggled. “I guess she is only like, what, 24?”

“Yeah, she seems young,” Lily commented on autopilot.

“Hopefully she gets the hang of the whole teaching thing soon. I mean, at least she’s nice.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Lily said, climbing into bed and pulling at her bed curtains. “Goodnight.” She just needed space to think. Marlene looked a little downcast as she disappeared behind the red cloth, but Lily would try to be a nicer, better person tomorrow. She couldn’t handle any more stimuli tonight.

Lily lay flat on her back and looked up at her canopy. Potter. James fucking Potter. He had been the bane of her existence for so long now, and somehow the apple of her eye for even longer before that. It was like she couldn’t escape him; even this summer he’d been there, damn it!

As much as she hated to admit it, he was right — _the fucking toerag_ — she wanted him, and badly. Even if the desire was solely focused on his fit, fucking body, it was something. It had been a while since she’d wanted anything, and the feeling was so rare but welcome, she wanted to nurture it, foster it, obey it. Who cared if the guy was an arse? That was his problem, not hers, wasn’t it? Why should she have to suffer because he was an uncontrollable git? Why should she have to temper her cravings for him or be punished for his mistakes?

If anything, her hatred of him would make things easier. Without feelings to complicate things, it could just be about fulfilling her needs. No harm, no foul, just sex. The whole thing would be about helping her feel alive again, giving in to her body’s incessant yearning to, _for the love of Merlin_ , just fuck something already. Why couldn’t it be simple?

She knew it wasn’t her fault that she only seemed to be attracted to him. Maybe it was the spell of being her first kiss, or that he’d tricked her into believing he was a caring, wonderful, perfect boy when she’d originally naively fallen for him, but he was her type now. Of course she _knew_ falling for him again would be the dumbest mistake of her 16 years of existence, but she knew better now — _she knew him_. And she wouldn’t fall into that trap again.

So why not just use him? Why not just fuck him and have her way with his body? Hadn’t he used her last year — for amusement, as a joke, for whatever reason he'd done what he'd done? And it’s not like having sex with the boy would be torturous to him; it seemed pretty evident that he would be more than willing to enter a sort of fuck-buddy-but-not-actually-buddies-let’s-just-fuck-please relationship. So why not?

_Why the fuck not?_

Lily refused to shame herself out of this revelation. She had needs, she had desires, and she was going to do whatever it took to not give up on herself — even if she had to shag a wanker to do so.

☆☆☆

Unfortunately for Lily, James had no idea that she had made this decision and seemed hellbent on persuading her out of it before she could properly proposition him.

To be perfectly honest, she’d half-expected his cold shoulder the following day considering it was the same technique he’d used last year after their date to make it super clear (without a shadow of a doubt, absolutely, thank you, don’t come again) that he was _not_ into her like that. It didn’t hurt her this time, but she still found the behavior annoying. Being purposefully ignored was not conducive to securing casual fling status.

By lunch, Lily was sitting in her usual spot, eating a sandwich, when she noticed the Marauders. Lily’s eyes strayed to Remus. It was weird that even he was icing her out right now. Obviously they’d never been _that_ close considering who his best mates were, despite her best efforts. However, she thought maybe this year they could be considering he'd written her a few times over the summer to see how she was doing. Perhaps their correspondence was supposed to be a secret. He seemed quite good at keeping those.

“Miss Evans,” Professor Stone’s agitated face broke her from her ruminations. “You left detention without being dismissed,” she said sharply.

“Uh,” Lily was unsure of how to answer. Pissing off the teacher was the least of her concerns when she’d left the classroom the night before. “Right, well we were done with the assignment?”

“The assignment isn’t done until I say it is.”

_Oh great, she wants to keep power flexing._ Lily took in the woman’s dull brown bob and dark eyes, wondering just how long she was going to be made an example of. “I’m sorry?”

“Detention again tonight. Same time, please tell James for me.”

“Mr Potter,” Lily corrected, making Stone eye her warily. _Well, she already hates me anyway, might as well deserve it._

Stone left for the teachers’ table in a huff and Lily took the remainder of her sandwich with her as she stood, figuring since she’d have less time to do homework tonight, she should get started in the library now.

She stopped by the boys along the way. “Potter,” she interrupted. She knew when he was surrounded by three other teenage boys was not the time to try to seduce him.

Only Remus and Peter looked up at her sudden appearance, the first looking a smidge apologetic. Sirius surveyed his nails bored, not bothering to keep the contempt out of his voice. “What do you want, Evans? We’re busy.”

“Yeah, looks riveting,” she jeered. “I came to tell Potter that Stone said we didn’t finish detention. We have another one tonight.” She took the last bite of her sandwich, sucking the crumbs off of her fingers.

“What?” James exclaimed, finally turning around to face her.

“Did I stutter? Blame your girlfriend,” Lily said through a mouthful of bread.

Sirius noticed. “Very ladylike, Evans.” Lily flicked him off as she swallowed dryly.

“Girlfriend?” James asked confused.

“Yeah, Stone. I’m sorry, _Jennifer,_ ” Lily sighed.

James smirked. “Jealous, Evans?”

“Oh. So very much.” Lily rolled her eyes. “I’ll try to keep my vomiting to a minimum while you two flirt tonight.”

This reminded James why she was there. “She can’t give us another one. We already served for the original offense.”

“Yeah, well she can, cuz she did. Maybe think of that before you orchestrate your next big scheme, genius.”

Lily started walking off only to hear James yell to her: “Wear something sexy!”

She gave him the finger with both her hands, not breaking her stride.

☆☆☆

Not having gotten more than a wink the night before due to James’ out-of-the-blue attack on her lips, Lily was properly knackered when she dragged her feet to detention at 7:45 pm. She figured she’d treat herself to not having to sprint by actually leaving with more than enough time for once.

When she saw Stone’s note on the blackboard, she was pissed off at the wasted effort: ‘Forgot there was a staff meeting — detention cancelled.’

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Lily dropped her bag sullenly. Didn’t Stone know she had plans too? Or at least, she _might_ have if the harpy didn’t keep wasting her time. (She would not have.)

A rattling noise coming from the corner of the room made Lily jump. _What the—?_ There lay an ancient chest with a rusty lock, shaking sporadically like there was something inside of it, dying to get out.

Lily found herself unable to look away. _What’s in there?_ Why the hell was she so scared? She was a Gryffindor, wasn’t she? In a few short months, she’d be a fully fledged adult witch; she shouldn’t be frightened by a box. Wasn’t she supposed to be facing her fears anyway? Didn’t doing things that frightened you give your body a surge of adrenaline? She could really use one of those today…

Besides, she’d have a great laugh when it turned out the commotion was only a trapped Niffler.

“ _Alohamora!_ ” she cried, making the chest fly open and then there was… nothing.

**_Nothing_**.

Vast, choking, absolute nothingness. She was dropped into a void — living it, dying from it. Everything was pitch black. She couldn’t see. She couldn’t smell — she hadn’t realized the room even had a scent until it was robbed from her. She screamed; she knew she was screaming, but why couldn’t she hear it?! She clutched at her throat, her face, but nothing registered, as though all her nerve endings had been severed. She had to be thrashing. How could she be so unaware of her own body’s movements as soon as everything had gone numb? It was like being at the dentist as a child, when as soon as he had taken away the sensation in her mouth it had been like she’d forgotten how to even use it — like her ability to feel her own lips was instrumental to speaking or eating.

Suddenly, Lily realized she must have still been moving, because now she certainly _couldn’t._ It was as though something had grabbed her, holding her captive, making it harder to breathe. She tried to scream harder — fresh, silent, roaring peals — but all she could think was, _This is how I’m going to die; I_ ** _can’t_** _die! I can’t die like this!_ The nothingness was calling her name, a low sound drifting to her as if coming from underwater. “ _Lily_!”

Then life came back.

Whatever had been holding Lily dropped her, and she collapsed to the floor like a puppet who’d just had her strings cut. As her eyes readjusted to the lights, she registered James’ back in front of her. He was staring down at an elderly couple on the ground. She recognized the man from his mother’s funeral: he’d been there very briefly, and completely out of it. The woman was… his mother. Lily had seen her picture all over the wake. Except here, she looked freshly dead in the man’s arms, her eyes eerily still open and unseeing.

“Kill me,” the man wailed to James. Lily noticed he had James’ hazel eyes, but none of their spark, illuminated by tears. “Just kill me, son! Let me go,” he sobbed. He was rocking his dead wife in his arms, making her salt and pepper curls loll in time with her head as she swung lifelessly. “Let me die. I’m already gone.” Lily choked on the pain she felt at his words.

“ _Riddikulus_!”James bellowed.

The salt Lily tasted in her mouth told her that she’d been sobbing. She brought her fingers to her cheeks, relief flooding through her that she could now feel the wet streaks on her warm skin.

“What the **hell** were you thinking?” James was standing above her, rage contorting his usually attractive features.

Lily looked up at him, trying to push herself off of the cold floor.

“Merlin,” James muttered frustratedly, grabbing her arms, pulling her to her feet, and steading her as she swayed. “Are you fucking stupid?”

Lily stretched herself to her full height. “No.” Her voice cracked, hoarse from overuse, undercutting her conviction.

“Then why _the fuck_ did you just try to take on a Boggart? I had no idea what the hell was going on! I just came in here, and you were _screaming_ and not reacting to me and—” he pulled at his hair. “ **Fuck** Evans! You would have probably had a heart attack if I hadn’t accidentally stood between you! You could have bloody _died,_ do you realize this? Are you fucking daft?!” His hands were shaking.

Lily looked over his shoulder to the chest. “A Boggart?” She hadn’t seen one since 3rd year. It had taken the form of a chomping shark. She’d fought it off by imagining it turning into a Swedish fish.

“Yeah, what did you think we used to distract Stone yesterday? We found it in the dungeons and released it.” There was a pause as his eyes narrowed dangerously at her. “Wait, you didn’t know what was in there?” He pointed to the chest.

Lily was painfully aware that one of James’ hands was still clutching her bicep in a vice grip. She tried shrugging him off but he wouldn’t budge. “No,” she admitted sheepishly.

“So you just saw a locked chest,” it was almost worse now that he’d stopped shouting, “and decided it would be a good idea to open it?”

What right did he have to try to shame her? Wasn’t _he_ the king of poor life choices? She willed herself to boldly look back at his unfaltering gaze. “Yes.”

His lip curled, revealing his gritted teeth. “Do you have a death wish, Evans?”

Lily’s chin snapped back by the unexpected and uncomfortable question. “No.” She didn’t sound very convincing.

He caught her hesitation.

She hadn’t meant it, she’d just been caught off guard, but now he was looking at her in a way she’d never seen before, and it hurt. She just needed it to stop. She needed to make _him_ stop.

Lily pushed herself onto her toes and kissed him. It wasn’t sweet, it wasn’t passionate, the kiss was a lifeline, tethering her to the ground. His arms went slack in shock and she took her chance to thread her fingers through his hair, reveling in the feel of him against her — the juxtaposition of soft and hard giving her a strange sort of comfort. She needed this.

Just as he started to react, she pulled away. “If you tell anyone, I’ll break your kneecaps,” she whispered before fleeing the room. She didn’t stop sprinting until she was in the safety of her dorm.

A girl yelled after her in the common room, but she paid no heed. When she finally looked in the mirror, she realized why someone had been concerned: she looked like a mess. Mascara stains had pooled under her eyes and her nose was red and runny. It was abundantly clear that she’d been crying.

Five minutes later, Marlene tentatively knocked on the door, poking her head in. “It’s your own room, you don’t have to knock,” Lily joked, hoping she sounded light and airy and not like she was recovering from a nervous breakdown.

“I brought you this.” Marlene held up the book bag Lily had abandoned in the classroom. “James said you forgot it after stubbing your toe. That must have really hurt.”

Lily looked at the girl. _She has to be making fun of me, right?_ Lily would never have bawled her eyes out over a toe. She accepted her bag. “Thanks.”

“Don’t thank me, thank James. He seemed worried about you.”

“I’m fine,” Lily brushed off, opening her bag to make sure Potter hadn’t slipped in any more contraband to get her in trouble.

“Okay, I’ll be downstairs if you need me,” Marlene said gingerly, closing the door.

Lily let out a long sigh, sinking into her bed. She decided to sleep early that night. But instead of the restful slumber she hoped for, her brain cruelly took her on a stroll down memory lane instead.

☆☆☆

**_October, 5th Year_ **

“Mary, relax, rounds take _an hour,_ we can hang out after,” Lily teased happily as she left her best friend for the common room.

“Okay, but then you’re gonna do that braid-crown thing in my hair! And not complain when I paint your nails!” Mary called after her.

“Deal!” she conceded, smiling to herself as she went.

She looked around the common room confused. It was unlike Remus to leave her waiting — considering she was normally the late one.

“Hey, Remus told me to accompany you tonight,” James said, getting up from the couch by the fireplace.

“James, sorry I didn’t see you.” Lily felt herself blush unnecessarily at the sight of her crush. _He’s literally just talking to you, get it together._ “What do you mean — is he okay?”

“Oh yeah, he’s fine.” James smiled at her. “Shall we?”

“Okay.” Lily decided not to question the turn of events too much, after all, she got to walk the castle with James for an hour… alone. It’s not like she could complain. “Just no docking points, okay? Only prefects can do that.”

James grinned. “No delusions of grandeur, got it.”

They walked in silence for a bit, both thinking hard on what to say to ease the unspoken tension sizzling between them.

Lily was the first to break. “Sorry, this must be very boring for you. Rounds are only exciting like, once in a blue moon.”

“I’m not bored,” James answered quickly.

She shot him a shy smile and then kept looking down the corridor, pretending to look for suspicious activity, but only being able to concentrate on how frigging loud her pulse was in her ears.

“So is Mary seeing anyone?” James asked casually.

“Oh,” Lily replied, turning to him confused. She opened her mouth and closed it several times, looking like a goldfish out of its bowl, until she stared intently at the ground. “No. She’s not.”

“Cool.” James bobbed his head.

_You’re such an idiot, Lily._ She decided to press on so her broken heart wouldn’t be so patently obvious. “Are you thinking of asking her out then?”

“No!” James spun to her shellshocked. “Gods no!” Lily’s eyebrows shot up so James tried explaining himself. “I’m not— I just think…” he trailed off looking at the hurt and confusion etched on Lily’s face and making a snap decision to be honest. “I think Sirius might fancy her, but please don’t say anything, he hasn’t actually told me anything yet.”

Lily felt her shoulders slouch in relief as a smile broke out over her face. “So you’re just trying to be a good best mate?”

James mirrored her body language, glad he dodged that land mine. “Yeah.”

“Cool. Well, she’s single. Not sure if Sirius is her type, but it would be worth asking her out.”

“Cool,” James repeated. They had stopped right next to the statue of Boris the Bewildered. “Um, Lily, can I ask you something?”

Lily licked her dry lips, looking at him hopefully. “Yeah?”

James ran a hand through his messy hair, clearly on edge. “I was wondering…” He let out a nervous breath. “I was wondering if you’d like to go to Hogsmeade with me? I mean, you know, if you have nothing better to do.”

Lily scuffed one of her Mary Janes against the floor. She didn’t want there to be any ambiguity on the matter. “Like as a date?”

James bit the inside of his cheek, instantly looking adorably vulnerable. “Yeah, like a date.”

Lily’s face hurt from restraining the shit-eating smile threatening to completely overtake her. “Yes. I’d love to go on a date with you, James.”

His face seemed to be struggling with the same issue. “Brilliant. We can meet at the common room Saturday morning and take it from there?”

“Okay.” Lily was stupidly giddy — so insanely, _stupidly_ giddy _._

As they walked through the rest of the castle, he brazenly reached out to hold her hand, and she let him.


	5. Looking for Purpose

**_October, 6th Year_ **

Lily noticed she was covered in bruises while showering the morning after her encounter with the Boggart. _Awesome,_ she thought as she inspected her black and blue shins, _damn pale-ass skin that bruises like a peach_. She resigned herself to keeping her robe firmly closed that day.

She let the warm water rain down on her, soothing her battered skin. Her moan turned into a groan when she remembered she had a prefect meeting that night and had to cancel her date with Paxton. She couldn’t believe she didn’t even have a proper excuse for him. It wasn’t as though she could say, “Sorry Paxton, James Potter asked me not to date you and he still has a weird grip on my psyche, we cool?”

When dusk fell upon the castle, Remus was waiting for her in the common room to head over together. “You all right, Lily?” he asked when she stood next to him.

Lily sighed. She must look categorically _awful_ if he was asking. “Yeah, just exhausted is all.”

He nodded and they took off for the Head Office in an amicable silence.

Lily was on pins and needles the whole meeting, barely registering anything that was said during the entire hour. The one time her opinion was asked, she quickly covered by saying she agreed with Remus, earning her a weird look from the boy.

He gave her another one when Paxton excitedly approached her after dismissing everyone else. Lily resisted the urge to run.

“Hey Lily, so about tomorrow, I was thinking I could pick you up by the Fat Lady around 11? Does that work?”

Lily cast her eyes down, shifting uncomfortably. “Actually Paxton, I’m really sorry, but I can’t go with you.” She looked up just in time to see a flicker of irritation cross his face.

“Why not?”

“I—“ She didn’t know what to say. She’d been hoping the words would have come naturally to her in the moment. “I just can’t.”

“There’s got to be a reason,” the 7th year pushed. “I mean, you said you could, and now you can’t, what’s changed?”

“I’m sorry,” Lily sputtered, feeling more and more uneasy with every passing second. This was so fucking awkward. “I really am, it’s me, not you.”

Trying to explain herself that way had been a mistake; he looked very insulted. “Okay,” he responded icily.

“Lily,” she spun around to see Remus was still lingering by the threshold, “we’re late for our study group.”

They didn’t have study group. _Oh that sweet, sweet man._

“Coming!” Lily chimed gratefully, walking to him after another quick apology to Paxton.

She couldn’t be sure, but she thought she heard something hit the door as soon as she exited it.

 _"Thank you,”_ Lily breathed earnestly when she and Remus had put enough space between them and the office.

“Don’t mention it,” Remus said kindly, offering her a small smile. That was one of the things she liked about Remus: he didn’t press or pry, he was just there — silently supportive. Then again, maybe James had told him all about their recent kisses, but somehow she doubted it.

☆☆☆

Lily lounged in her bed long after all her roommates had left for Hogsmeade, catching up on some much needed beauty rest. She took her unexpected free day to do her homework — even the essay due two weeks from now for Binns — and then noticed it was still only 4 pm.

Tired of all the underclassmen in the common room giving her weird looks for not being in town like the rest of her grade, she decided she’d stretch her legs and take a stroll around the Great Lake. She grabbed her cloak, her book of unsent letters to Mary, and walked down.

The early October air was crisp as Lily found the perfect spot on a large rock jutting out just inside the lake. Happy with her little island, Lily began a new letter, stopping occasionally to watch a fish or turtle swim around her.

When she could no longer feel the tips of her fingers, Lily decided to call it a day. She said goodbye to her fishy friends and retreated back to the common room — now alive with activity as everyone was showing off their latest purchases. She avoided the noise and marched upstairs, not noticing a pair of eyes watching her ascent.

Unfortunately, she was unable to avoid her curious roommates forever. She was in the middle of brushing her teeth — realizing she’d forgotten to eat since brunch — when Dorcas spoke up.

“I don’t get it. How are you gonna stand up the hottest bloke in all of Hogwarts?”

Lily spat out her toothpaste, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “I don’t know if I’d deem him the _hottest—_ ” _Surely, that title belongs to Evan Rosier._

“Oh, so he’s not good enough for you?” Brianna asked from inside the toilet stall.

“No, I didn’t say that—” Lily tried.

“Okay, but then why did you leave him hanging?”

Lily guessed all the strides in bonding she’d made after telling them everything they’d wanted to know about Paxton asking her out had gone out the window when she’d cancelled on him — and then some.

“Leave her alone.” Marlene’s voice drifted in from the bedroom. “Paxton’s a twat. Plus I hear he has a tiny pecker.” The tension in the bathroom promptly dissipated and Lily decided in that moment she liked Marlene McKinnon a lot.

☆☆☆

After having another lie-in Sunday, Lily quickly threw on her jeans and a shirt, and left Gryffindor tower determined to do something productive. (She’d decided against approaching her teachers and asking for her upcoming assignments early — she didn’t want to be committed.) She cracked open the door to the hospital wing hesitantly, not wanting to intrude on anything private.

“Madam Pomfrey?”

The blonde healer came out from her office. “Miss Evans, what brings you in today?”

Lily smiled nervously. “Remember how I told you I’d like to be a healer?” Pomfrey nodded. “I was wondering if I could shadow you today? See what a day in the life is like?” Lily knew all about the importance of job experience in today’s market.

Pomfrey’s usually stern face softened at Lily’s shy enthusiasm — not many people cared to know how she singlehandedly kept the entire student body alive. “Very well.” She turned and motioned for Lily to follow her. “I must warn you, Sunday’s are usually quite slow. Kids seem to get all their hijinks out Friday night and Saturday. Obviously weekdays are rife with lessons gone wrong. And don’t get me started on Quidditch match days.” Pomfrey bristled.

The healer was in the middle of showing Lily her medical arsenal and walking her through what potions did what, when the hospital doors dramatically swung open.

“Poppy!” Sirius called out.

Lily knew she and Pomfrey could be friends when she saw her roll her eyes before turning around. “Mr Black, what seems to be the problem?”

“Well, my _idiot_ mate here tested out a hex on my arm—” Sirius’ complaint stopped when Lily walked out of the medicine cupboard. “What’s _she_ doing here?”

Over Sirius’ scowling face, she saw James also staring right at her. Lily’s mouth went dry.

“Please don’t talk to my intern this way,” Pomfrey said briskly. Lily’s heart skipped a beat. _Intern? That makes it sound awfully official._ “Now, let’s see this arm.”

Sirius pushed up his sleeve revealing a purple, cracked forearm. Lily tried concentrating on it and not the way James was clearly checking out her ass.

“This’ll just be a simple counter spell, nothing to worry about.” Pomfrey stood back so Lily could see what she was doing and tapped her wand to his skin, enunciating the incantation. Sirius’ normal complexion reappeared in a rolling wave from where the tip sat. “Good as new.”

Sirius looked down at his arm surprised. He turned to James. “Why didn’t you just do that, you git?”

James shrugged nonchalantly. “Didn’t know the counter curse.”

“You performed a hex without knowing—” Sirius fumed. “You’re dead.” He jumped off the bed he’d been perched on and chased James out of the wing.

Pomfrey sighed. “Expect to see those two in here, a lot.”

Lily mimicked her new mentor’s sigh. _Well, nothing’s perfect._

Pomfrey then insisted she take some cream for the bruising that Lily had been sure she’d kept hidden. She thought it best not to argue against the healer’s persistence.

☆☆☆

Lily returned to Gryffindor with a huge smile on her face. She had a suspicion she’d find helping people to be fun and rewarding — she hadn’t expected to absolutely **love** it.

Lily had always found Hogwarts to be so much better than her previous Muggle schools for numerous, obvious reasons. The biggest reason was that she could learn something and _immediately_ put it into practice. Learn how to levitate something? Use it the next day to wack Mary in the face with a pillow. Learn how to brew a Pepper-Up Potion? Make it and use it the next day to feel bloody fantastic! Her Muggle teachers had always spoken of how she _might_ use Algebra in some distant, far-off job — _maybe_.

Healing had the same sort of instant gratification she was craving. Someone came in with a stomach ache? She gave him a potion and he felt better. Someone had an unknown bite on her leg? She used a charm to figure out what had bitten her and which cream to apply. And poof! It was gone. Lily could fix things in the hospital wing — and it felt amazing.

She was in such a good mood, that she didn’t even let James’ weird calculating stare from the fireplace as she traipsed back into the common room faze her.

“You look happy,” Marlene commented when Lily crawled into bed.

“Yeah, I guess I am,” Lily replied, pleased with the notion. She looked over to Marlene, trying to suss out if the girl wanted to keep talking. _Maybe it was just a casual observation and she doesn’t give a shit why?_ But the blonde’s smile was egging her on, so Lily continued, “I shadowed Madam Pomfrey today, it was so cool.”

She told her possible new friend all about it.

☆☆☆

On Monday, Lily had a pep in her step. She took her seat in Transfiguration and wasn’t even suspicious when usually shy Adam sat next to her.

“Hi Lily,” Adam said with a bashful smile.

Lily looked at the boy. She was ashamed to admit she’d never _really_ done so before. He had soft features, chocolate brown hair and the most piercing sapphire eyes Lily had ever seen. She realized in that moment, even hotness was a bit of a social construct. He was objectively attractive, but because his personality was so unassuming, everyone rarely gave him a second glance. If anything, the other boys seemed to go out of their way to put him down — as if they saw him as a direct threat to them attracting women’s attention and wanted to demonstrate his place on the totem pole — all the way on the bottom. These public shows seemed intent on making sure he’d never own his potential power.

Lily noticed even his fellow Hufflepuffs didn’t seem to have his back.

“Allo Adam.” She returned his courteousness.

“Sorry,” the boy said, pulling out a quill, “I just had to talk to the girl who took my prat brother down a peg.”

 _Oh my god._ Lily had just remembered that this was Adam: Adam _Paxton._ But no one thought of him like that — his brother had basically commandeered their last name as **his** title. It wasn’t that hard considering he was older, a Ravenclaw Quidditch star, _and_ Head Boy. Lily hated to admit it, but _yeah_ Paxton ( _Michael that is_ ) was also taller, beefier, and just generally more popular.

Adam saw her have this realization — it was painted clearly on her face. “Forget I was his brother?” He let out a low chuckle. “Most people do.”

“I’m sorry, you guys even kinda look the same, it’s just you’re so…”

“Different? Normal? Not dickish?” Adam supplied. “Yeah, thank goodness.”

Lily laughed, glad he was being a good sport about it.

“You have a nice laugh,” he said randomly, or at least Lily thought so.

“Thank you?”

“Oh, sorry.” Now Adam was the one blushing. “I’ve just never heard it, s’all.”

Wanting to alleviate his embarrassment like he’d just alleviated hers, she pushed on. “Adam, I have to ask…”

He looked back at her curiously. “What?”

She leaned into him dramatically. “Does Paxton charm his teeth whiter?”

Adam snorted, and that earned the pair a disapproving glare from McGonagall; but Lily thought it was worth it.

☆☆☆

The start of a new week meant a whole slew of novel assignments, so Lily found herself in the library until curfew.

“When’s the last time you ate?” was the first thing she heard when she walked through the near-deserted common room.

Lily looked up to James’ imposing form blocking her route to bed. She automatically racked her brain. _I had lunch, didn’t I?_ Lily wasn’t sure, her abysmal appetite hadn’t been very high on her priorities list. She’d barely gotten any food that summer and she’d grown pretty accustomed to it. “I’m dunno.”

“Breakfast,” he answered his own question savagely.

 _That can’t be, can it?_ “Okay, well, I had some snacks throughout the day—”

“An _apple_ doesn’t count as a meal, Evans.”

Lily stared at him, too shocked to be appropriately angry he’d clearly been keeping tabs on her. “How do you know that?”

James rolled his eyes as he crossed his arms. “You eat by yourself every meal, all sad and lonely. It’s pretty hard to miss.”

 _Of course. This is all just another reason to taunt me._ “Okay, so I missed a couple meals. So what? You’re not my father.” Her glare spoke volumes. ”Piss off.” She made to sidestep him, but he was too quick and cut her off.

“Yeah, I’m not. Thank Merlin.”

She stared hard at his chest right in front of her, not wanting to spare him the decency of looking up to his eyes. He didn’t deserve her eye contact — and she really didn’t feel like experiencing the inevitable swoosh in her stomach if she did. “I can take care of myself, Potter.” This wasn’t the first time she’d told him as much.

She watched his shoulders shake with a huff. “Clearly, you _can’t._ ” There was a long pregnant pause. “This isn’t a negotiation, Evans.”

His arms reached for her waist, causing her to yelp as he effortlessly flung her over his shoulder and started walking out to the hall.

“Put me down you Neanderthal!” Lily cried, upside down and wheezing from the pressure of his body on her stomach.

“No,” he said casually, like bodily kidnapping was an everyday occurrence for him. He brought one strong arm up to her upper thigh to secure her in place on his shoulder.

“Do **not** touch me, you lowlife, you miscreant, you _jerk—_ ”

“Evans, these are getting more and more unoriginal.” He was strolling down a set of stairs, bouncing her uncomfortably around like she was a weightless sack of potatoes. “Get some new material already.”

“Why would I waste any of my time thinking of the likes of _you?_ ” She half wished he’d give her a serious answer — why did she?

His free hand spanked her ass in response, an echoing slap reverberating around the empty stairwell.

“ _Can you see my knickers?!_ ” Lily had only just become cognizant that at this angle her skirt was probably covering _nothing._

His smirk radiated off of him, renewing Lily’s struggle to get out of his clutches. “Don’t worry, Evans, the polar bears are very cute.”

“ ** _Ugh!_** ” Lily started beating his lower back in retaliation. “Just. Let. Me. _Down!”_ she yelled between punches.

He’d stopped before the portrait of a fruit bowl he’d shown her at the beginning of 5th year. “Evans, I get hit by Bludgers, your mighty fists only feel like a Thai message.” He was definitely having the time of his life riling her up.

He climbed them through the portrait hole and dumped her unceremoniously onto a bench. She immediately worked to straighten out her outfit while he summoned some house-elves to bring her food. They rushed to accommodate his demands.

“You just love lording over people, don’t you?” she sniped.

A steaming hot plate of lasagna was placed before her. “Yes, Evans, I really, really do,” he said in a dry tone. “Now **eat**.”

She glared at him with a cocked eyebrow. The food smelt utterly delicious, but she was determined to be obstinate for the sake of being obstinate. “No.”

James clenched his jaw. He looked so pissed, his chiseled features all tense and his gaze unwavering and, _good god,_ did she like it. _What does that say about me? What does it mean if seeing him hot and bothered makes_ ** _me_** _hot and bothered?_ All Lily knew was she would love to feel his rough, unforgiving hands on her once more.

An elf broke the tension. “Does Miss not like the lasagna?” She turned to see the heartbroken creature staring at her with his soulful orbs and felt shame overtake her. The house-elf had just dropped everything to prepare her a plate, and here she was, spitting in the face of his hospitality by refusing the food just because she didn’t want this stupid boy to boss her around. _Or because I_ ** _do_** _, and that’s a problem._

Lily had a particularly soft spot for the house-elves considering how sweetly they’d taken care of her last year. On the many days when she couldn’t bring herself to make it down to the Great Hall, they’d shown up in her dorm with a tray of food she could eat in bed. Or they’d leave her a plate of her favorite dessert in the common room, labeled for her, when she’d returned from the library. Lily didn’t know how they did it, but they would always serve her food she loved. She felt eternally indebted to them.

“Oh,” she said quickly, grabbing a fork and knife and cutting herself a piece. She chewed it slowly, her stomach gurgling in approval — turned out she really was famished. “No, it’s lovely, thank you.”

“You are most welcome, Miss,” the elf answered, sinking into a low bow and scurrying away.

Lily busied herself by stuffing her face with more lasagna rather than looking back at James. From the corner of her eye, she could tell he was watching her anyway. “You know, you could eat some too instead of just creeping.”

James chuckled and grabbed a fork, stealing a chunk from her plate. “I don’t creep.”

“Ha!” Lily sang out. “Says the creepiest of creepers.”

“Am not.” James actually looked adamant. They chewed in silence for a bit, James encouraging her by unnecessarily pushing the plate towards her. Once she’d started eating, there was really no danger of her stopping. “So you’re temping in the hospital wing now?”

Lily looked up at his face. He was looking at her fast-disappearing lasagna, but she could tell he was very much interested in her response. “Yeah.”

His eyes traveled up to her. “Why?”

She licked sauce from her upper lip, considering whether to tell him the truth or not. _What’s the harm?_ “I want to be a healer.”

His eyes drifted to the words coming out of her mouth. “Huh. I didn’t know that.”

Lily felt like they were having a moment. He was revealing a side of himself that _might_ actually give a bit of shit about her — her hopes and dreams — while ensuring she physically didn’t perish. It was… nice actually.

Then he went and ruined it. As Lily’s fork was midair, about to scoop another piece to her mouth, he said, “Good, eat some more, you were becoming a real eyesore.” Lily looked down to her lap, cheeks blazing. “Bones sticking out and—“

“I get it,” she cut him off. “Thanks.” Her voice was ice again.

“Where were you Saturday?”

She couldn’t believe he had the nerve to keep talking to her after that insensitive dig.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, why couldn’t I be serious?”

Her eyes scanned his, convinced she may never understand him.

He seemed to gather where her head was at. “I said don’t go out with **him** , not don’t go at all.”

She scoffed finishing her last bite. “It wasn’t for you that I didn’t go,” she said thickly.

He smirked.

When he’d been nice for a hot second, she’d fleetingly considered bringing up the idea of them hooking up regularly. It had been her chance, but the moment was gone, and now it felt like she’d be rewarding his shitty behavior — something she wasn’t keen to encourage. She didn’t _want_ to be this attracted to the douche.

She was clinging to her autonomy — she and she alone got to choose which of her baser instincts to obey and when, even if they were running wild inside her own head.

And yeah — she had no idea how to bring that sort of proposal up. Wasn’t it supposed to just transpire naturally? It most certainly wasn’t because she was far too scared to ask — _nope, not because of_ ** _that._**

“You done?” His question made her jump.

“Yeah, but how are we supposed to get back?”

He looked at her confused, standing up. “What do you mean?”

“It’s way after curfew now,” she replied like it was obvious, getting to her feet as well and looking at her watch.

“So?”

“So?! _So_ , I’m not getting another detention because of _you,_ asshole.”

James looked annoyed. “Aren’t you a prefect?”

“Well, I’m not on the schedule right now, am I? That means I can get in trouble for being out of my dorm just like anyone else,” she said condescendingly.

“Okay, Princess,” he ridiculed, pulling her close once more.

“ **Stop** touching me,” she fought, as he pulled out the silvery material he’d introduced to her in 4th year when they’d been friends.

James released her as he swung the cloak over himself, making her mourn the loss of his contact. “Fine, suit yourself.” He disappeared from view completely and the kitchens door opened seemingly by itself.

Lily’s need for defiance fought with her desire not to be caught out of bed. Self-preservation won. “Wait!”

The door stalled seconds before snapping shut. Lily walked over with her arms outstretched, trying to find him. Her hand closed around his invisible arm.

“Yes?” His voice was buttery and oh so self-congratulatory.

“Please?” Lily tried desperately not to sound desperate. (She knew she’d failed.)

“Please what?” James was going to milk this moment for all it was worth.

Lily felt her upper lip twitch in annoyance. “Please take me with you.”

There was a beat before he triumphantly answered. “As you wish.”

Lily found herself being brought in under his arm, her back pressed rather more up against his chest than she was comfortable with (but not more than she _liked_ ). “Okay, we don’t have to squish, can’t we walk side-by-side?”

“On the contrary, Evans, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve grown quite a bit since we last shared this cloak, so close contact is required to keep our ankles hidden now.”

Lily didn’t fight him, o _f course I’ve noticed you smug, fit wanker._ She just huffed and led the way up to Gryffindor, James hot on her tail.

He stepped on the back of her shoes so many times that they were freshly bickering on the 4th floor. They were too caught up in getting the final word in that they didn’t notice Filch was also there in the small corridor until it was too late to run. James clocked their predicament before she did and spun her around, covering her mouth with his right palm as he pushed her flush against the wall.

Lily’s emerald eyes went wide before narrowing into a glower, clearly about to sink her teeth into his flesh in retaliation. His silent and urgent head-tilt towards the lurking caretaker only meters away alerted her to the reasoning of his actions. His hand pulled back to just a pointer finger over his lip, drawing Lily’s eyes to them hovering right above her face. _Nope, don’t go there, this is not the time,_ she told her body to no avail. It was far too late. Her nerves had already registered his thigh pressing up between hers, as he flattened her breasts up against his chest, making their invisible bodies as inconspicuous as possible. He was looking at Filch as he got even closer to them; but she wasn’t, completely fixated on him on her instead.

His body was warm. His body was solid. His body was _right fucking here._

Mrs Norris ambled around the corner, flickering in Lily’s peripheral vision, and her yellow eyes landed on them a second later. Lily let out a small gasp, causing James’ left hand to fly from the wall behind her to her hip, squeezing her reassuringly. She looked at him questioningly, but he’d already turned back to the cat and _winked at it._

 _“_ What do you think, my sweet?” Filch asked hoarsely. “Do you smell any kids out of bed?”

The skeletal cat swished its tail in response, briefly rubbing herself against James’ hidden ankle before scampering down the hall, drawing Filch away.

After the old man’s footsteps faded, James’ eyes found Lily looking up at him dumbfounded. “Cats love me.” He shrugged faking nonchalance while clearly being _very_ pleased with himself.

He made no move to back away from her and she still felt his heartbeat thrumming heavily against her. “Of course they do.”

“I’m sure it helps that I leave out treats for her too.” His grin became lopsided and she hated the deep pull she felt tugging inside her core. He looked entirely delectable… and was still way too close. Every breath he took expanded right into her, making her consider other ways she’d like him to make it difficult for her to breathe.

As she pondered his unyieldingly firm chest pressed up against hers, his eyes suddenly glazed over, as though he’d picked up on her impure thoughts. “All right, Evans?” he whispered cockily. She couldn’t be sure, but she thought his hips flexed infinitesimally into hers, making her breath hitch.

She didn’t respond, only having enough willpower to steady herself as her eyes oscillated between his. He swallowed and started leaning into her, his hands both moving to her jaw gently, giving her more than enough time to push him away.

But she didn’t. For the first time that year, they were both perfectly aware of what was about to happen — and they were both letting it.

Or at least, she thought he was going to as well.

Her eyes fluttered closed as she felt his warm breath hit her lips, savoring the swell of anticipation bursting in her stomach. She was more than ready to feel his electricity cruising through him to her lips and into her bloodstream like a hit. He was going to kiss her, and for one glorious moment, his mouth against hers was going to make her forget who she was and it would be pure magic. Even if it only lasted a minute, Lily would think it worth it.

But his lips didn’t reach hers, instead they were hovering cruelly just out of reach. She whined embarrassingly, trying to get to him on her tippy toes, but his hands held her in place, smiling at her with an evil glint in his eye.

“Fuck, you **_want_** me.”

His arrogant murmur made her eyes go wide with shock and indignation. He was smirking at her knowingly, and with a pang of mortification, Lily guessed he had never even closed his eyes and had just basked in her little pitiful display. She felt naked and exposed, having her desire _mocked_ by this prick still holding her in his arms.

“Screw you!” Lily peeled his hands off of her face and pushed him violently away. He dragged the cloak with him as he staggered back and was now invisible to her; but the sound of his amused chuckle still made her blood boil.

She stomped off before he could see the tears threatening to fall from her eyes in sheer frustration.

She should have known the Quidditch Captain would easily keep up with her. “Oh, come on, Evans, don’t take everything so personally.”

“Fuck off,” she growled.

“Hey, I get it. What’s not to like about me?” He sounded happy despite her obvious rage.

“Everything.” They were nearly at Gryffindor Tower.

“Huh. Then why do we keep seeming to snog every few days?”

“Because of _you! You_ keep making this happen!” she shouted feeling her whole body reddening. “If you didn’t insist on rubbing up against me like that—”

He jumped on her flustered admission. “So you really like that, eh?”

She barreled on, “— or eye-fucking me every chance you get—”

“Eye-fucking?” She could feel his delighted cocked eyebrow.

“— maybe I’d be able to keep my damn composure.” It was so strange to be fighting with a disembodied voice. She knew the Fat Lady would be yelling at her for all the noise they were making if she wasn’t too shocked herself. Lily looked absolutely mental.

Her chest heaving furiously, she turned to the portrait when he didn’t answer. “Constant Vigilance,” she ground out at her wit’s end. She wanted to go somewhere and scream until she passed out.

The Fat Lady creaked open, but as Lily was trying to pull it all the way, an invisible force was holding it closed. She yanked on it uselessly with all her strength.

She flailed her arms out, knowing she was at least hitting something of his. “Cut it the fuck out, Potter!” she screamed maniacally.

“Admit it,” James’ voice was low and gravelly, the complete opposite of hers.

“Admit what?!” She was about to lose her goddamn mind. What did he want from her? He wanted to be her friend, then he didn’t. He wanted to date her, then he didn’t. He wanted to kiss her, then he didn’t. What fucking game was he playing at? She wasn’t a toy. She was a fucking human being with feelings and emotions and—

**_Fuck!_ **

He was whispering in her ear now, and she jumped at his unexpected proximity, shivers running down her spine. “Admit that you want me, Evans.”

Her lips parted, feeling like cornered prey. It only got worse when she heard hurried footsteps approaching them from downstairs — they were being very loud. She renewed her panicked efforts on the portrait door, causing the Fat Lady to yelp at being so rudely jostled, but Lily didn’t care: she was the only one visible and in imminent danger of getting into trouble. “Potter, please—” she pleaded.

“Just say it.” He remained steadfast. “Just tell me how you really feel about me.”

“Fuck!” Lily kicked the frame (‘Now, you listen here, young lady!’) and spun in his direction. The footsteps were almost upon them now, only seconds away. “Fine! I **hate** you, I hate you so bloody damn much, but I still want you to _fuck me_ until I can’t walk straight. Happy?!” Lily Evans had snapped.

A second later, she was shoved through the portrait hole, tripping over her own feet. She heard the entrance slam shut and whipped around ready to give James a piece of her mind, but she was not prepared for the image she saw there. He was stalking towards her, Invisibility Cloak discarded on the floor, and her protest died in her throat. His eyes were glued to her in such hunger — a mad man finding his oasis in the desert — that she felt her knickers wet instantly, a pulse rippling through her.

Before she knew what was happening, he had hoisted her to his waist — her legs instinctively wrapping around his frame — and was attacking her mouth with his relentlessly. His hands supported her bum while hers flew into his hair, pulling on the locks mercilessly. This earned her a keen bite to the lower lip as he lowered her onto the sofa, climbing on top of her, and spread her legs.

 _Sofa. As in the_ _communal_ _common room sofa._ “Wait,” she panted, trying to sit up and look around.

“We’re alone, relax.” James continued planting wet kisses down the base of her neck. “You worry too much, Evans.”

She was going to retort, but he’d gotten her flat on her back again, his hips pushing sensually into hers as he nipped and bit at her pulse point, scrambling all her thoughts. His hands were suddenly everywhere — groping, cupping and pawing, guiding her leg around him so his fully-clothed, slow thrust could garner the friction it deserved. An embarrassingly airy moan escaped Lily’s mouth and she felt him smile into her throat.

 _I can’t believe we’re fucking dry humping._ He brought his lips back to hers, plunging his tongue into her mouth as his hand sank under her shirt, roughly gripping the soft flesh of her hipbone and bending it to his will, adjusting her beneath him. _I can’t believe it feels so good._

She felt his erection pressing up against her knickers with each of his grinds, her skirt long since having folded up, and she felt another pull of yearning throbbing in her belly. Curious, she dropped a hand, trying to sneak it between them so she could feel him better.

He broke their kiss with a sly grin, thwarting her hand’s mission by grabbing her wrist and raising it over her head, shifting his weight above her. “Uh uh… me first,” he breathed centimeters away from her face, lowering his free hand down to her panties. His fingers ran down the length of them, making Lily inhale sharply and bite her lower lip. It was through fucking fabric and still felt _amazing._ Lily prayed to everything holy that this wasn’t just another one of his games, and that he wouldn’t dare leave her hanging now.

“Fucking hell, Lily, you’re drenched,” he said worshippingly.

Lily wasn’t sure if it was hearing her name slip from his lips or him touching her there, but she couldn’t help but jerk her hips into his hand, begging him to continue.

He got the message loud and clear, giving her a few more strokes before sliding her knickers to the side. Lily whimpered pathetically as he leisurely dragged his fingertips up and down her bare, wet skin. “How do you like it?”

Lily’s eyes fought to stay open, finding his fingers and gorgeous face right there all a little too much to handle. “Huh?” she replied breathlessly.

He seemed hellbent on destroying her. His thumb had found her clit and he was rubbing lazy circles. He leaned into her ear, his weight pressing down on her. “How do you like to be touched?”

Lily swallowed thickly, turning her cheek into his face as her body squirmed beneath him. He was working her up so well. Honestly, she didn’t really know how she liked to be touched, not being one to experiment on her own body. It was hard to get in the mood when you shared a room with six or seven other girls… or Petunia. Why was he trying to make her think right now damn it, she was trying to enjoy herself. “This is good,” she all but moaned.

If her eyes had been open, she may have seen James bite his tongue, fighting not to say something that would undoubtably ruin the mood. Instead, she felt him slipping one long finger inside of her. “Potter,” she gasped, arching up to him. The hand that he wasn’t restraining cupped the back of his neck, initiating a searing kiss in an attempt to quell her throaty, appreciative noises. He slid in and out of her, his thumb never stalling on her clit. She felt like her body was headed for a cliff, full steam ahead, and she wanted so badly to be thrown off of it. She _needed_ this ribbon inside of her to break so she could finally just be free.

He slipped in another finger and Lily threw her head back into the couch pillow, unable to focus on anything other than what he was doing to her — even something as delightful as kissing him.

Her eyes landed on his; he was taking in her every facial expression wantonly. His hazel irises were laden with more lust than she had ever seen in her life. She shivered. “Please,” she begged. She didn’t know what she was begging for, but somehow she knew he could give it to her. “ _Please_.”

His eyes roamed her face as he pumped his fingers in and out of her harder, his thumb circling faster. It cracked her. She felt her eyes roll back beneath her lids as her orgasm washed over her and she shuddered beneath him, toes curling. “Fuckkkk…”

She came to with him smiling smugly down at her, his fingers still knuckle deep in her cunt. He licked his swollen lips as he furled his digits one more time before slowly dragging them out. He gave her a somehow unexpected, deep, prolonged kiss, his hand finally leaving her wrist and threading through her hair.

It was not lost on her that James Potter had just given her her first orgasm. _Because of course he did._ She wondered just how many firsts she’d give him.

When their lips parted, his gaze continued darting over her face, clearly liking her flushed and spent appearance if his proud smile was anything to go by.

“What?” she asked self-consciously.

“Nothing.” His smile only grew — and with it Lily’s trepidation. _Oh shit, what does he have up his sleeve?_

It blew Lily’s mind to realize: _he owned her body_. Whatever he wanted to do to her, whenever he wanted it, she would willingly grant it to him. She was his to touch, to hold, to pound into; it didn’t matter, she was his for the taking. Yet how could this be considering she couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as him if he insisted on speaking. She hated him. She truly, deeply despised him, but here her body was, betraying her and giving itself to him completely.

She was going mad.

So she did what any rational, vulnerable, thoroughly confused teenage girl would do: she lashed out callously. “If you tell anyone about this, I’ll slip you a potion so ancient, no one will ever be able to find the antidote in time.”

James actually gulped, looking a little hurt. The emotion didn’t last though, and he let out a little laugh. “Do you oft think of ways to hurt me, Evans?” He shifted his body weight off of her, swinging his legs down so he was sitting next to her on the couch.

She sat upright. “You have no idea.”

“All right, duly noted,” he responded dryly, ruffling his hair. He stood up, his eyes glued to the crackling fire. After a beat, he snorted. He summoned his cloak to him from near the portrait hole. “By the way, you should really start masturbating.”

Lily recoiled at his words. “ _What_ , why?” she spat.

He looked over his shoulder at her briefly before walking over to the boys’ staircase. “Because it’s not fair to expect a guy to know what you want if you haven’t even figured it out yourself yet.”

She blushed as she heard his door shut. _How did he know I don’t masturbate; did I come wrong or something?_ Lily also felt like that was an unfair assessment, considering he had just done more than fine. She threw her body back into the pillows, groaning, utterly spent.

It wasn’t until she was in her bed later that she remembered she hadn’t exactly done anything for him. Anxiety cruising through her veins, she ran the past few hours over in her mind. She couldn’t fucking believe she’d yelled at him that she wanted him to fuck her. What had she been thinking?! How had she gone from being unable to maturely talk to him about having a casual sexual relationship to screaming she wanted him to wreck her? James truly drove her to the edge of reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cool news: while I was typing away, I discovered a new song that Lily would totally be singing to herself on repeat ;) 'You.' by Lucy Daydream, in case you wanna get in her headspace...!
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJE1GsvFqnY


	6. Whipped

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize for just how much I objectify the living crap out of James in this chapter. It ain't right. It ain't right... (So wrong it's right?)

**_Later, October, 6th Year_ **

“Hey, can I sit with you guys?” Lily asked the next morning.

Marlene and Dorcas looked up surprised, but not put-off. “Of course, join us.” Marlene smiled.

“Thanks,” Lily said returning the gesture. _Sad and lonely my ass,_ she mused in her head to no one in particular. She didn’t look, but if she had, she would have found James smiling in her direction.

It had been nice. Lily had forgotten how much she’d enjoyed having people to just _talk_ to. The topics didn’t have to be life-or-death or dramatic — in fact, she much preferred that they weren’t. It was a great change of pace to talk about something as mundane as History of Magic.

“I can’t believe _anyone_ passes this class, actually,” Marlene said as they made their way to Professor Binn’s classroom. “His voice instantly puts me to sleep. I can’t help it.”

Lily chuckled. “Well, you can borrow my notes anytime.”

Marlene turned to her grinning. “You know, I might just take you up on that.”

It was a little embarrassing how happy it made Lily that the girl sat next to her for class.

What made her less happy (but more embarrassed) was how she couldn’t keep her eyes off of Potter all day. As it was month two of the school year, he was already flagrantly disobeying the dress code, strutting about without his robe. She couldn’t help but admire the way his shirt stretched over his broad shoulders as he sat in front of her in History, or the way his infectious smile lit up the hall as he laughed with his friends at lunch. She couldn’t stop staring at his long fingers, wrapped around his wand, during Defense Against the Dark Arts when Stone ( _because of course she did_ ) pulled him up front for a demonstration.

_Those fingers were inside of you last night. Those fingers made you come._

“Do you still like him?” Marlene asked her quietly, making Lily jump.

She realized she’d been sucking on the end of her quill as she’d (apparently way-too-fucking-obviously) daydreamed about the way Potter was moving. “No,” Lily said firming, looking down to her notes. She felt guilty saying this to her new friend, as if lying by omission, so she shot another look to the front of the class despite her heavy blush. “He _is_ bloody hot though,” she grumbled.

Marlene snorted and looked like she was about to say something when Stone spoke loudly instead. “Miss Evans, is there something you’d like to share with the class?”

Automatically, Lily’s eyes shifted from the teacher to James standing next to her. He was staring at her curiously just like everyone else in the room. It was the first time their eyes had met since the common room. Visions of how those eyes had looked at her then, and what that had made her feel, flashed before her. _Yeah, the student you have a crush on made me come so hard last night that I haven’t been able to think straight since. Thanks for asking._ “No.”

“10 points from Gryffindor for distracting my class then.”

Lily looked down and balled her fists so she wasn’t any more tempted to hex this witch.

☆☆☆

Lily was still silently fuming when she took her seat up front in Potions. She had just finished putting up her cauldron when Adam sat down next to her.

“So, what exactly did you do to piss her off so much?”

Lily looked at him startled. “Who?”

Adam smiled, pulling out his textbook. “Stone. Unless you have any more enemies you’d care to talk about.”

Lily huffed. “No idea. Other than that Firewhiskey thing, which wasn’t even _mine._ ”

“You sure? That’s what all alcoholics say.”

Lily opened her mouth scandalized, but noticed he was fighting to keep a straight face and his blue eyes were twinkling.

“You’re making fun of me.” She narrowed her eyes at him, but her lips twitched.

“Make fun of an alchie? I would never,” he teased.

She turned back to her cauldron, adjusting the flame. “Good.”

“Besides, I was hoping to be your partner today. So it probably would be in my best interest to not get on your bad side.”

She smirked at the board and read what potion they’d be brewing today. “Probably.”

Lily and Adam fell into such a nice rhythm brewing that she almost lost track of time. Only once did she find her eyes straying to James struggling a few rows back. He was scowling at his bright magenta concoction (it was supposed to be pale rose), his sleeves rolled up and a small flush on his tan cheeks from the rising steam. He looked like a verifiable Adonis and she couldn’t help but watch as his hands stirred, trying to salvage the brew.

Suddenly his partner, Sirius, bent his head way forward into Lily’s line of sight, wiggling his eyebrows at her knowingly.

 _Oh my god, that’s so fucking embarrassing,_ she screamed internally as she refocused on her own potion. She couldn’t believe his best friend had just caught her ogling James.

☆☆☆

“Brianna, please, I need to shower too,” Lily groaned. The problems that came with being the last girl to get up almost made Lily consider rearranging her schedule. _Almost._

“No! I need to shave, just go use the prefects! That’s why you have it!”

Lily wanted to point out that _no,_ the prefects bathroom was in fact _not_ there so that prefects could be inconvenienced by having to leave their dorms to get ready, but she didn’t see what other options she currently had. One day without showering, fine, that’s what ponytails were for, but two days was pushing it.

Lily closed her dressing robe over her pajamas, grabbed her change of clothes and rushed down to the 5th floor as inconspicuously as possible. She ignored several hoots from people who had apparently never seen a bare calf before.

“Gillyweed,” she muttered, pushing open the door and letting out a huge sigh of relief as she closed the door on the rest of Hogwarts. Stripping off her thin robe and tossing it aside, she cursed whatever prefect had come before her for not bothering to drain the bath since it was still completely covered in bubbles. “Who knew Wednesday mornings were so popular,” she grumbled to herself as she reached for the hem of her camisole.

“Not I,” a voice answered her from the corner of the bath, making her scream.

“Who’s there?!” Lily shrieked, fumbling for her wand.

“Someone who should have kept their mouth shut until after you’d finished stripping I suppose.” He swatted away some bubbles to reveal his face — his perfect, chiseled, currently sopping wet face.

“Potter! What the fuck! The door’s not supposed to open if—”

“Another prefect is in here. Yeah, Remus told me.”

“…and you’re not a prefect,” Lily finished, putting it together. “Remus shouldn’t have given you the password, if anyone found out—”

“Only a real bitch would rat him out, don’t you think?” James challenged, pushing his hair back off of his forehead. Some of the bubbles were starting to clear now, and Lily tried not to focus on the fact that he was very much naked.

“Why didn’t you just use your own shower?” Lily said, pretending to be fascinated by the Mermaid portrait.

“And lose the opportunity to make Miss Evans turn redder than a tomato?” He smiled as she gritted her teeth. He stood up and made his way to the bath steps. “Practice was really rough last night and I thought my muscles deserved a good soak.”

Lily rolled her eyes to the ceiling, blowing a lock of hair out of her eyes. The humidity was doing terrible things to it. “Aren’t you the captain? Don’t you get to decide how hard practices are?”

“Yeah,” James was stepping out now, and Lily couldn’t _not_ watch, “but I had some tension I had to work out.” His wide shoulders that she’d now been thrown on top of — sure, it was nice to see them. He took another step and she saw his pecs and abs, the soapy water finding a multitude of different ridges and creases to follow on their way down — and yeah, okay, she could probably touch herself to that view alone. But then his hips came out of the water, the pronounced v glistening between them and his…

Lily’s brain glitched and she vaguely heard her wand as it clattered to the ground.

“Like what you see, Evans?” Lily’s face snapped up to his, now nearly in front of her, with the sound of his voice. “You know, it’s rude to stare.” The lopsidedness of his mouth told Lily he’d never been so thrilled by her reactions in his life. And why wouldn’t he be? He knew he was showing off his cock, and now he knew Lily was as impressed as one could be.

“You’re naked,” Lily stated lamely.

James chuckled, looking to the floor and taking another step towards her so they were within arms length. “I am.” He slowly licked his bottom lip and tilted his head back up at her. She watched as a water droplet dripped down his neck and trailed to his collarbone. “I’d ask if it bothers you, but I think I have my answer.”

Lily looked at him confused until she saw he was nodding to her nipples. They were almost painfully protruding through her silk top.

She willed herself to not cover them up. “Could you please— just, fuck, just put on a towel or something!” she stuttered.

James’ gaze dropped over her form again as she squirmed. “I’m trying, but someone happens to be blocking them.”

Lily let out a frustrated yelp as she grabbed one off of the shelf behind her and threw it at him.

He ruffled his hair briefly with it, covering her with spray before securing it around his hips. “Who knew Lily Evans was such a creep?” he taunted.

She was so busy letting her eyes take in his manly physique, finally decently covered, that it took a second to process what he’d actually said. “I’m not a creep. You were buck naked! I was caught off guard, that’s all,” she defended.

“Okay,” he continued smugly. “Then why were you eye-fucking me all of yesterday?”

“I thought you hated that term?”

“Which term?” he questioned.

“Eye-fucking.”

“No, you taught it to me. I think it’s brilliant. Before I would have had to say looking-at-me-like-you-couldn’t-wait-for-me-to-finger-you-again, and that’s just a mouthful.”

Lily crossed her arms over her chest, tapping her foot, irritated.

“So?” James shifted from one foot to another, drawing her eyes to his flexing muscles again. Had they ever left?

“So what?”

James laughed, and even _that_ looked good. “Never mind. You can touch, you know?”

Lily's brows shot up. “I don’t know what you’re—“

But James was already rolling his eyes and grabbing Lily’s hands from her body and placing them on his. Lily tried to cover the noise she made as her breath hitched.

“I didn’t ask—” she breathed.

“You didn’t have to.”

Lily felt trapped, standing there, her hands on his wet abs, frozen still. She was trapped between doing what she _should_ do to save face and not seem like a thirsty little hornball and… being just that.

He moved her hands up, over his hard lines, and Lily couldn’t help but follow the path her palms were taking. He was smirking at her and she aspired to have his level of confidence one day.

“What do you think?” He was so dang proud of himself; it was seeping into his voice and out of every pore.

“I’ve touched better.” (She hadn’t.)

“No, you haven’t.” (It was true.)

“So,” he dropped her wrists and they fell limply to her sides, “rejecting one Paxton wasn’t enough? You trying to collect the set?”

“What?” Lily asked, finally snapping out of her stupor where all she could think about was jumping James’ fucking bones. “Really? I got a new Potions partner and you noticed?”

“You were flirting,” he said.

She let out a mirthless laugh and scanned his face trying to read his angle. “Is this gonna be a thing now? I so much as _talk_ to a boy and then you ask me about it?”

“Would you like it to be a thing?” he whispered almost inaudibly, stepping closer to her and pushing her hair over her shoulder, his fingertips grazing the sensitive skin of her neck. Lily had an involuntary shiver.

The way he was fixated on her lips told her they weren’t talking about Adam anymore.

Here was her chance. He’d basically hand delivered her the casual fling proposition, wrapped with a bow. All she had to do was… “Yeah. I would.” Would he catch her? She felt like she was throwing herself into him, asking him to prove she could trust him.

He smiled as he leaned in to kiss her, completely soaking her front as he pulled her into his chest. She prayed this was the answer she’d been hoping for.

She got lost in the feeling of him for a bit, working up the courage to draw patterns on the large swath of exposed skin in front of her. She decided right then and there that Quidditch deserved a little more credit if it could result in **this.** ****

As she got dizzy from his incessant lips, she dragged her hands lower, fumbling with the lazy knot of his towel, opening it easily. Her hand tentatively grasped for him, relishing in the moan rumbling deep within his throat when her fingers wrapped around the girth of his member.

“Fuck,” he groaned as he fisted the hair at the nape of her neck.

Lily looked down to her hand and back into his eyes. “Show me how,” she panted. Self-conscious of her own neediness she added, “It is my turn after all.”

She had tried to play off her smile as sexy, but seeing his reaction told her it had completely missed the mark. His hand which had just joined hers to stroke together now lay perfectly still, holding onto hers tightly. “You think you owe me, Evans?”

“What? No.” Lily shook her head panicked. “No, I just— I didn’t do anything for you the other night, and I thought you might want—”

“So you don’t want to?” He jerked his head back slightly, but to Lily it seemed like there was now a kilometer between them.

“What? That’s not what I—” Lily was so unprepared for the way this conversation was deteriorating.

Suddenly, James extracted himself from her grip and bent down for his clothes. He swung on his robe, closed it, and threw his towel in a nearby bin and exited the bathroom.

Lily looked at the door for a good five minutes before she sunk to the floor and put her forehead into her hands. Why was this so stupidly complicated? It had once been so simple.

☆☆☆

**_Hogsmeade Saturday, October, 5th Year_ **

“Relax, Lily, you look amazing,” Mary said for probably the fourth time that morning.

But Lily could not relax on account of the fact that she was about to go to Hogsmeade with James bloody Fleamont Potter and she’d only been crazy about him for what felt like forever. “I’m so fucking relaxed,” Lily lied.

Mary rolled her eyes as she finished putting away her makeup supplies she’d just helped her with. “Yeah, that swear word there really sold it.”

Lily grinned and checked herself out in the mirror one last time. Mary had subtly lined her eyes with purple to make the emerald pop and finished it off with a little black mascara. It was so unusually cold for October that they’d skipped any blush since she knew she’d be cold and flushed all day anyway. Her hair sat in loose waves and she had her favorite sunshine yellow sweater over her cutest pair of jeans. She had to admit: she looked good.

Mary swatted her butt. “You look _fine,_ just go down there already before he leaves without you!”

Lily gave her bestie a quick anxious hug before trotting down the stairs with her cloak and hat in hand.

James was standing by the fire, his hands in his pockets, looking more than a little nervous. As soon as he saw her coming down, his hand sprung to his hair and he gave her the toothiest of grins.

“Hey.”

She stepped in front of him. “Hey,” she replied. “You ready?”

“Yeah,” he said as he took in her outfit appreciatively while still appearing sheepish. “You look really nice.”

Lily tucked a loose strand behind her ear. “Thanks. Wait till you see me in my hat.” She struck out an open palm and he held it instantly.

“Oh yeah?” he asked amused as they headed down to check out with Filch.

“Oh _yeah._ It has a pompom.” She was wearing her heart on her goddamn sleeve, but she couldn’t help it. Looking over at his features — his shy smile, his inability to stop glancing to her, the slight clamminess of his hand in hers — she knew he was too.

They ambled through Hogsmeade happily, going in and out of stores and talking about the sort of stuff they usually would but with a fluttering of excited butterflies between them. This was the same, and yet everything was so unbelievably different.

When they decided to get lunch at The Three Broomsticks, James insisted on going to the bar to buy their drinks. As Lily settled into their booth, she couldn’t help but notice Sirius’ angry scowl in her direction. She furrowed her brows at him, wondering what the fuck was up, but he only turned back to Remus, speaking furiously.

James handing her a Butterbeer made all her worries disappear.

They headed back several hours later, Lily with far more knowledge on the different Quidditch positions and James now having her promise of coming to watch him compete some time — if he played his cards right.

“Come on, I’ll even let you wear my jersey afterwards!”

“Wow, every girl’s dream! Getting to wear a sweaty, used shirt,” Lily teased.

James slung his arm over her shoulders, having gotten more and more confident as the date progressed. “I’ll have you know, Evans, my sweat smells great.”

Lily giggled and poked him in the ribs. “Fine. I’ll wear your shirt if you wear one of mine.”

“Evans…” James began jokingly, “I don’t know if you’re ready to see me in a crop top. It may just blow your mind.”

Lily let out a sharp chortle. “Potter, I don’t own any crop tops.”

“Okay, but any shirt you have _would_ be a crop top on this body. Do you see how tall I am now?” He gave her a wink while biting the corner of his lip, betraying the smugness of his words. He wanted her to confirm her attraction to him.

She let her eyes linger on him notably. “Yeah. I’ve noticed,” she admitted.

They held each other’s gazes until they couldn’t, James ruffling his hair.

“Want to stop by the pitch before we go in?” James asked.

 _Does he not want this date to end either?_ “James Potter, you’re trying to get me on a broom, aren’t you?” she said mock-admonishingly.

“I would never dare do anything before you’re ready.” He smiled as he grabbed her hand and led them to the field. “Come on!” Lily couldn’t stop tittering at his enthusiasm.

He took her all the way to the middle of the pitch and Lily was overcome by the vastness of it from down here. It looked so much more manageable from the stands. The hoops seemed like skyscrapers from this vantage point and Lily couldn’t even imagine zipping across the space a hundred meters in the air like it was nothing.

“Did I ever tell you I’ve always wanted to fly?” Lily said to the blindingly white sky overhead.

“Really?” James only had eyes for her.

“Yeah, ever since I was a little kid,” Lily breathed, a visible huff swirling out from her lips.

James took both her hands in his, rubbing them to try to fight the chill. “Then why haven’t you?”

Lily laughed. “ _I_ want to fly, not just hover because of some shoddy piece of wood between my legs.”

James smirked and didn’t bite on the obvious. “I _knew_ you were still scarred from 1st year!”

Lily’s eyes cut to him. “Am _not._ ”

“Evans, I told you: the school brooms suck! Normal brooms don’t try to buck you off like that.”

“You laughed at me.” Lily cocked an eyebrow at him.

He brought her hands up to his mouth, blowing hot air on them and then giving the back of her hand a chaste kiss. “I was happy I was finally better than you at something. You’re hard to compete with, you know?” Lily’s eyes dropped to his slightly chapped lips which had just electrified her skin. “I’ll take you flying next time, it’ll be grand.”

 _Next time._ Lily couldn’t wait.

“Jeez Evans, you’re freezing. Do you want to go inside?”

“No,” Lily answered a split second later. She could see the relief settle in his molten eyes. A snowflake fell down just then, landing adorably on his nose. Lily gasped looking to the sky. “First snow!” she cooed. “James! This is amazing!” She was practically bouncing on the balls of her feet.

“Yeah…” The timbre of his voice drew her back in. He gingerly traced his fingertips to her cheek and Lily couldn’t breath, frozen in this moment.

 _Kiss me, please fucking kiss me,_ ** _please_** _,_ her mind screamed.

The flakes landed on their lashes as he leaned in slowly, his eyes darting between hers and her slightly parted lips. His tongue wet his own and Lily wasn’t sure if she’d ever recover from the hope she was experiencing in this moment. It was everything she’d ever dreamed of and somehow more. James was perfect and she was already wrapped around his finger.

When their lips finally met, Lily melted into his embrace, letting all her walls down and giving herself to him completely. His lips were warm, soft, and tender and suddenly everything she needed to survive.

When they broke free, he still had his eyes closed, savoring the feel of her. Lily was grinning like an idiot when he opened them again. “What?” he laughed.

“You. You’re cute, you know that?” she teased, scrunching up her nose.

He swung her hand between them as they strolled back to the castle. “I think you meant manly and rugged.”

“Oh yes. My mistake.”

They lingered in the common room for a significant few minutes, neither of them wanting to let go — until Sirius had a coughing fit from one of the couches. Lily threw caution to the wind, jumping into James’ arms so she could plant one last kiss on his lips before climbing up the girls’ staircase.

“See you tomorrow, James,” Lily whispered over her shoulder, fighting a silly smile.

James couldn’t fight it. “Yeah, see you…” he said staring after her dumbstruck.

Lily giggled and was inundated with the girls as soon as she opened her door. They’d all seen James and Lily at various points of their date and wanted to know what it was like to have James Potter this whipped.


	7. Losing It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Want to remind everyone that in the flashback scenes James is a 15 year old idiot. (Sorry.)

**_Later That Morning, October, 6th Year_ **

“Miss Evans, thank you for joining us,” McGonagall said sternly when Lily rushed into Transfiguration. After she had recovered from all her confused musings, she’d taken a quick dip in James’ bathwater, trying really hard not to think about it since she didn’t have time to wait for an entire refill. She’d done a hasty drying spell and rushed off to class like her ass was on fire.

Currently, she was praying that McGonagall wouldn’t notice that she didn’t have her book bag on her. “Sorry Professor, won’t happen again.”

She settled into the only open seat — next to Potter, naturally. He didn’t look at her, but she could _sense_ him stiffen beside her.

McGonagall continued with her lecture, so Lily leaned into James. “Can I borrow a quill?” He sighed but reached into his bag all the same. “And some parchment?” she tacked on.

He slid over both, not meeting her eye.

 _This is ridiculous._ Enough was enough, she had decided in the bathroom. This had been a long time coming and she was over the mind-fucking. “Why’d you run?” Lily whispered out of the corner of her mouth whilst writing down the notes on the board.

“I didn’t—” James couldn’t help but take her bait. He surveyed her calculatingly, then turned back to front. “Are we really talking about this right now?” he asked quietly.

“What, would you prefer I stage a detention?” she sassed.

He snorted but didn’t reply.

“So?” she pushed.

“Evans. If you don’t want to, I’m not going to force you.”

Lily scoffed, earning her a look from the Ravenclaw in front of her. “Seriously Potter, how dumb are you?”

James pivoted his head to her. “Excuse me?”

“Cut the bullshit,” she snarled. “Are you in or out?”

James’ eyes swept over her nonplussed. “What?”

“Potter.” Lily gritted her teeth, furiously scratching away with his quill to keep up appearances that she was paying attention to the lesson. “No more games. Either we do this, or I find someone else.”

“Are you feeling okay?” he asked genuinely sounding concerned.

Lily looked over at him disgusted. “Seriously? You can strut about with your cock out, and _that’s_ normal,” James actually had the audacity to look around to make sure no one was eavesdropping, “but _I’m_ the one who must not be okay because I now want to do something with it?”

“Evans,” James put his hand on her thigh, bringing back all sorts of unwelcome memories of better times, “you’re not acting like yourself.”

Lily shoved his hand off her lap. “Or, you just don’t know me as well as you thought you did.” She was at the end of her rope. There was only so much sexual torture one witch could take before snapping.

James’ brows furrowed, trying to decipher her. “I’ve known you for what, going on six years now? Pretty sure I can notice a shift in personality this dramatic.”

A cold smile played on her lips. _He_ was one to talk about drastic changes… where had her sweet crush gone? What was **his** excuse?

“Well, if that’s your final answer…” McGonagall had just signaled for them to break into pairs to practice the new spell. “Guess I don’t need to waste any more time with you.”

She got up abruptly, relishing in his penitent look, and made her way over to Adam and his partner.

“Hey, do you mind switching? Potter’s too much of an arse to deal with this early in the morning.”

The blonde Hufflepuff snorted and accommodated her, glad to trade up to the best student in the class, and shuffled along.

Adam was grinning at her merrily. “What he do this time?”

“Oh, you know, the usual.” Lily kept it vague; although she supposed James toying with her sanity was sort of the norm.

“Sadly I do. Did I tell you the Marauders shrunk all my underpants last year?”

“Really?” Lily hadn’t known this.

“Yep. Had me wondering if I was hitting the pumpkin pasties a little too hard and everything.”

Lily giggled and a lightbulb above her burst a second later.

☆☆☆

**_After Hogsmeade Saturday, October, 5th Year_ ** ****

Lily had finally gone to bed after satisfying her dorm mates’ curiosity on all the details of her date she felt like sharing. They’d ooh’ed and aw’ed at all the appropriate parts, jumping in several times to let her know that these were all amazing signs and she was so lucky a boy liked her as much as James _clearly_ did.

She’d waited until the others had moved on to pull Mary to her bed and told her about her first kiss. (Some things were for a best friend’s ears only.)

“So, what do you think this means going forth?” Lily asked cuddling her pillow.

Mary laughed. “Just play it by ear. Let it happen naturally. You can’t plan everything, Lil.”

Lily groaned yanking her hair back into a messy bun. “If only I could though…”

Mary pushed her shoulder. “Quit worrying. Everything will work out, you’ll see. I guarantee you he’s up right now talking about you too.”

Lily blushed tilting her head. “You think?” she asked wistfully.

“Oh honey, I _know._ ”

☆☆☆

The next day, Sunday, Lily wasn’t expecting much. After all, they’d only been on one date and would both have to navigate a blossoming relationship for the first time. She wasn’t going to put pressure on them to figure everything out right away. She’d be happy with a few smiles and maybe a cute flirty comment or two.

What she got was somehow less than that.

“Oh, he’s coming this way!” Hestia squealed at lunch. Lily had slept through breakfast so this was the first time she’d seen him since their common room goodbye.

“Sh, make it more obvious why don’t you,” Lily lightly chided, already regretting her decision to tell the girls anything. It was bad enough with how strong her feelings were; she really didn’t need anyone else drawing any more attention to her blatant obsession.

But James didn’t stop by them. Lily would have believed Dorcas' hurried insistence that he must not have seen her if it weren’t for the apologetic look Remus shot her as they passed.

_What the fuck?_

Lily tried to overcompensate for her gnawing anxiety with an entirely too bubbly attitude that might have fooled everyone but Mary who pulled her away shortly after.

“Okay, we don’t know anything for sure yet,” Mary mollified.

“Mary… you saw him. He couldn’t even look at me,” Lily said kicking the trashcan in the deserted classroom they’d fled to.

“Okay.” She thought for a beat. “Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt though, right? He’s probably just a little scared or something. All the girls were staring, it would be enough to spook most guys. He might not know what to say to you today because your whole dynamic just changed.” Lily took a deep breath, it made sense. “We know him. He’s not a bad guy.”

Lily felt far too vulnerable, and a little crazy. “You’re right.” She shook her head, trying to clear away the bad thoughts. “I’m overreacting. I’m sure it’s nothing.”

☆☆☆

Lily and Mary spent the rest of the day doing their homework in the common room, giving James all the opportunities in the world to come speak to her. She only saw him walk resolutely past twice, staring at the walls, going to and from dinner. As Lily grew more desperate, she saw Mary get more and more incensed.

“Lily?” She wished she could take back the pathetically hopeful look on her face when she turned to the male voice, but Remus’ slight grimace told her he’d already registered it. “Sorry, you ready for rounds?”

“Oh.” She’d completely forgotten. “Course, um, let me just pack up.”

“I got it,” Mary offered. “I’ll be out here till you get back anyway.”

“Thanks Mare.” Lily got to her feet.

They’d gone two corridors in silence before Remus glanced over at her uncomfortable as hell.

“So, um, how are you?”

Lily shot him a look. “I bet you know the answer to that better than I do.”

Remus fidgeted. “Right. Right. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.” He looked like he’d rather have all his teeth pulled out than continue this conversation.

“What do you mean?”

“Well… what do you want? From James I mean?”

“What?” Lily stopped walking.

“Like are you looking for a serious relationship? Because he’s not really in the position—”

“Remus, did he seriously send you to talk to me for him?” Lily’s low, even cadence was so much scarier than if she’d screamed the question.

“Lily—”

But Lily had spun on her heel and was storming back to Gryffindor, walking straight past an open-mouthed Mary, and climbed the boys’ staircase two steps at a time.

She burst through the door. “What the hell, Potter?” She was asking like she really wanted to know.

James scrambled to his feet at Lily’s unexpected presence in his room.

“Um, maybe knock next time, psycho? One of us could have been starkers.” Sirius laughed to himself. “Or was that the point?” he tried provoking her from his bed, but Lily was too busy in a stare down with James.

James broke first. “Guys, can we have the room for a second?” he asked Peter and Sirius. Lily tried not to think about how she really wished the connotation of that statement was totally different.

Sirius huffed exaggeratedly, but they left shortly after.

James looked too terrified to meet her gaze again, stuffing one hand into his jeans pocket and the other in his hair.

“James?” The quiver in her voice got his attention. And that’s when she saw it in his sad eyes: she was screwed.

“I’m sorry.”

Lily forced a dry swallow down her throat. “For what?”

“I—“ James looked to his feet, “I shouldn’t have taken you out. It was a mistake.”

The weight hovering over Lily’s stomach all day was finally released and came down on her crushingly. It had been a mistake — _she had been a_ ** _mistake_** _._ “Oh.”

“It’s just—” he struggled, “I’m not really in a place—”

“For a relationship. Yeah, Remus filled me in.” An edge had finally found its way into her words. She couldn’t believe she was being dumped without actually ever having been in a relationship.

“Lily. It’s just, I know that you want more than I can give—”

“Oh, you know what I want now?”

“I _know_ you,” he pleaded. “And you deserve better—”

“Oh my god,” Lily mumbled raking her fingers over her scalp. “Did you really just—”

“It’s true!” James exclaimed taking a few steps towards her across the room.

Lily stepped back until she was against the door. “I can’t believe you.” She looked up to the ceiling hurt and in disbelief. “I’m such a fucking idiot.” She let out a mirthless laugh. “Sev even warned me,” she muttered.

“No you’re not—“ he changed gears mid sentence, “— what does Snivellus have to do with this?” James spat.

“Nothing,” Lily said defeated. She couldn’t even recognize him anymore. _How could you be so blind?_ “Absolutely nothing.”

James had closed the space between them and reached for her hand. “We can still be friends though, yeah?” He had the nerve to look optimistic.

Lily looked at him like he was a pile of shit ( _which he is_ ). “No, you fucking arsehole,” she whispered, yanking her arm free and exiting through the door.

Proud of herself for keeping it together, she found Mary downstairs and pulled her to the prefects bathroom.

It wasn’t until Mary hesitantly asked, “Are you okay?” that the floodgates opened.

“I’ll kill him,” Mary soothed as she held Lily, sobbing over her shoulder. “Better yet, I’ll castrate him so he lives miserably alone for the rest of his pitiful life.”

Lily gave out a snotty guffaw, pulling back and wiping her nose on the back of her hand.

Mary wiped away the moisture under Lily’s eyes with her thumbs. “Seriously. He’s not worth it. If he can’t appreciate what a kind, lovely, wonderful person you are, then fuck him.”

Lily felt a few more tears slide down her cheeks.

“He doesn’t deserve you, Lils.” A mischievous look crossed her face. “Let’s show him what he’s missing.”

☆☆☆

**_That Night, October, 6th Year_ **

“Can you wait here one second?” Remus asked Lily in the middle of their rounds. If Lily hadn’t been too busy daydreaming about her hell of a day, she may have noticed he was being kind of shifty. But alas, seeing James’ cock for the first time that morning still dominated her thoughts.

Lily leaned against the broom cupboard door he’d abandoned her at, looking down at her split ends. She made a mental note to look up a potion to mend them because she sure as hell couldn’t afford a haircut right now.

“You don’t have to find someone else.”

Lily jumped as James had just randomly appeared before her as though he’d Apparated to the spot.

“Wha—”

He stepped flush to her, placing his hands on her hips so there could be no doubt about what he was talking about. “I’m down.”

Lily ignored her racing heart and looked down the hall. “Potter, Remus will be back any second, now’s not the—”

“No, he won’t,” James cut her off. “He’s doing the rest of the rounds without you.”

Lily looked up at him glowering. “He’s not your errand boy.”

James smirked. “No, he’s my _friend._ Friends do each other favors…” He bent his head down and started showering her neck with nips and kisses, making her gasp. “Like I can do for you if the offer’s still on the table,” he murmured coarsely into her skin.

She shuddered against him, completely taken aback, lolling her head back against the door. “You sure? I really don’t want you to feel _obligated_ or anything.” The bite of her retort was undercut by the fact that she’d practically moaned it.

He grinned, massaging her breasts through her clothes. “Shut up, Evans.” With one firm tug on her robes, their lips came crashing into each other, setting off a frenzied pace that had them both panting in seconds.

Before she knew what was happening, James had maneuvered them into the cupboard, sending brooms clanking to the floor loudly as they rushed to disrobe, their mouths never separating. Their actions were rough and clumsy, being driven by their wild, insatiable lust rather than any form of coherent thought. She briefly registered his hands were fumbling with her buttons as his tongue swirled against hers. She couldn’t breath, she couldn’t think, everything was just a flurry of feelings, warping her perception of time and space.

James wrenched her panties down from under her skirt, making Lily yelp when suddenly his fingers were inside her again, pumping in and out of her slick walls.

“Shit,” she ground out as her hands wove through his hair, needing desperately to hold on to something.

The guttural noise only encouraged James more and he took control of her lips once again, rubbing her clit the way she’d liked on the couch.

She whimpered into his mouth, his hot and heavy ministrations overwhelming her system. Several minutes later, he started flexing his body into hers in time with his fingers and Lily felt herself losing control, her mind going blank as wave after wave of her orgasm overtook her.

After she’d come for him the first time, James had looked so pleased with himself. This time was different — his eyes were nearly black and he looked like he was going to consume her whole.

“You ready?”

Lily tried to slow her breathing as she stared up at him. She managed a terse nod. This moment had been years in the making and yet she still felt like it was all happening so fast.

Off of her approval, James loosened his belt just enough so he could pull his cock out over his trunks and flipped her skirt up so he could position himself at her entrance.

He pushed into her and Lily yelped, wincing at the pain; but James didn’t notice, his eyes sealed shut, mouth gaping, looking like he was trying just to hold on.

“ _Fuck_ , Lil, you’re so fucking _tight,_ ” he groaned, dropping his forehead against hers. It was only when he leaned his mouth in to kiss her and tasted her salty tears that his eyes flew open. “ _Lily?!_ ” he whispered more concerned than she’d ever heard him, as he extracted himself from her. “Are you okay?”

Still cringing, but now also bright red, Lily awkwardly adjusted herself. “Yeah, I’m fine, you didn’t have to pull out.”

James’ eyebrows knitted. “You’re crying.” His face shifted from worry to dismay. “I know what you think of me, but I don’t fuck crying girls.” He swallowed, mad at himself for letting her get under his skin again. “Are you all right? Did I hit your cervix or something?” he tried. He knew he was well-endowed, but it had never made a girl _cry_ before, at least not like this.

Lily looked at him curiously. How much sex did one need to be having to know of these things? She didn’t answer, but started buttoning her shirt back up, annoyed.

James ruffled his hair in the prolonged silence, looking down. That’s when he noticed blood. “Lily, you’re bleeding! We should get you to the hospital wing,” he said earnestly.

Lily finished with her last button unperturbed, pulled her wand out of her pocket to clean up the mess on herself and on his cock (he hastily put it away), and scoffed. “And tell Pomfrey what exactly? I have a broken hymen?”

James froze looking at her. “What are you talking about?”

Lily rolled her eyes, picking her robe up from off the floor, pulling it on, and wrapping it around herself protectively. She noticed he looked kind of mad. “Don’t worry, Potter. I won’t fall in love with you or anything.” Her stomach filled with dread thinking that’s what he was worried about. She had to let him know there was **no** chance of that happening... again. This was sex. Just sex.

He looked positively horrified. “You weren’t a virgin,” he blurted out.

Lily sneered at him, disgusted, her face saying what she didn’t: _you don’t know me_.

“You— Mary said... What about the Muggle bloke?!” James sputtered.

“Oh,” Lily hadn’t expected him to remember that. “She lied,” she said flatly.

“ _What?_ ” James spat out. “You let her _lie_? Why?!”

Lily stood to her tallest, still barely reaching above his shoulders. _Stupid, tall, fucking boy._ “Because, it was a silly game and I didn’t want you arseholes to tease me.” She looked at the ceiling, unable to maintain his unwavering gaze. “I wanted you to stop asking me out, and it worked. At least for a while.”

“Lily...” James sounded so pained now.

“Stop looking at me like that,” Lily demanded.

“Like what?”

“Like I’m some lost little girl.” Lily was getting pissed. She’d just wanted to have sex, goddamn it. Why was he hellbent on making it weird? Sure, there was no one else in this bloody school she was this physically attracted to (as much as it sickened her), but there was NO fucking way she was ever going to admit that, especially to him. It would just inflate that freakish large prat head of his. But the fact remained, she’d wanted to fuck him, so she did. _I shouldn’t have to punish myself just because_ ** _he’s_** _an arse,_ she repeated her favorite new mantra to herself.

“Lily, I didn’t know.” He brought his hand up to her cheek to wipe away the tears there.

Even though he’d just ravished her clit and been inside of her, _this_ was the motion that felt far too intimate. Lily swatted away his hand. “Don’t. What does it matter?”

“What does it matter? _Are you serious?_ ” James whispered incredulously, bending so he could get at her eye level.

“Yeah. What’s it matter?” Lily repeated defiantly.

“It _matters_ because I would never have... I woulda—“ he was struggling for words and trying his hardest not to tear his hair out. He would have been gentler, he would have taken his time, he would have made love to her entire body, not tried to impress her with some rough fuck he thought she was begging him for. “Fuck Lily, it just matters okay? I would never have just _shagged you in a broom closet!”_ he hissed, getting in her face.

“Well, then I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t tell you.” Her voice was laced with venom.

If he hadn’t been there himself, he would never have believed that they had just shared something so personal. He wanted to shake her. “Didn’t you want your first time to be special?! Who _hurt_ you?”

Lily slapped him clean across the face. _That is_ ** _rich_** _as fuck coming from_ him _._ “Oh, so you’re implying I’m a slag now?!” she roared. “Just because I didn’t put my virginity on some sort of bizarre pedestal to be cherished?”

James acted like his cheek wasn’t stinging from the hit; he had more pressing issues. “No! What the _fuck_ , Evans? That’s not what I’m saying at all!”

“Then what are you trying to say, _Potter_?!” The way she said his surname, you’d think it was the most derogatory word she could think of.

“Why?! Why’d you just fuck me and not tell me?” His guilt was killing him. He’d ruined everything. He felt like his horniness had robbed a precious moment for her. Even if it didn’t seem to be a big deal to her, it was a big deal for _him_.

“It was none of your business!” She was losing it.

“OF COURSE IT WAS MY BUSINESS!” He’d lost it.

Fresh tears were streaming down her face now. She was used to his yelling, his taunts, his insults, and worst of all, his toying with her. But she could in no way, shape, or form deal with his _pity._

This had been a mistake. She’d told herself it could be some insignificant fun, and she’d been wrong. She felt weak, she felt exposed, she felt _vulnerable_. She wiped her face on her sleeve and gave him her most emotionless tone. “Fine. I didn’t tell you because it meant _nothing_ to me. I just wanted to lose it, and I knew you’d oblige.”

James took a step back, looking like he’d been slapped again — only this time, it burned. “You knew I’d oblige?”

 _He can never hurt me again, he can_ ** _never_** _hurt me again._ Lily continued, her blood running cold, “You’re like the school broomstick, Potter. Everyone gets a turn.”

The last thing Lily saw before the closet door was yanked open, bathing them in unwelcome light, was James’ hazel eyes cloud with ache. He was looking at her like he didn’t even recognize who she’d become.

“Miss Evans and Mr Potter! What on earth are you two doing in here?” McGonagall had found them.

Lily tore her eyes away from James, trying her best to control her heavy breathing. “Sorry Professor, we didn’t want to be caught fighting in the halls.” From the corner of her eye, she saw James finally unfreeze.

“Well, I’d say this is hardly any better!” McGonagall said affronted. It was a testament to how much everyone knew they hated each other that the explanation seemed even somewhat plausible. “Detention tomorrow, both of you. I expect better.” She motioned with her hand. “Now back to your dormitory, at once!”

James stormed out first, turned around the corner and disappeared. When he was gone, Lily let out a breath she had no idea she’d been keeping in.

McGonagall surveyed her worried, noticing the puffiness of her eyes when she stepped into the candlelight. “Are you quite all right, dear?” Her voice had soften dramatically.

Lily faked a smile. “Yes, Professor. Goodnight.” She took off towards Gryffindor Tower at a slow pace, knowing James was probably already there, but not wanting to risk it. She knew she’d gone too far with that last retort — but what she hated more was that seeing his pain gave her pause. _He did slut-shame me though, why the hell can’t I do it back?_ She tried reasoning her actions away. _Besides, now he definitely knows I don’t like him. So he can’t worm his way back into my heart,_ she told herself. She almost believed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I already gave you guys a song for Lily, but I found the perfect song for James' current headspace (it's a spoiler to Lily, and, I guess it's also technically a spoiler for readers, so listen at your own discretion, but like it's Jily, so not really?) 'Time' by NF
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjVFV__K2YI


	8. It Was Supposed to be You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **I know playing Truth or Dare is overdone, but I feel like that's because teenagers overdo it, lol**

**_That Night, October, 6th Year_ **

_Dear Mary,_

_I always promised you I’d tell you the second I lost my virginity — so here it goes… I did?_

_You were right: wowwww, was it disappointing. Honestly, it really fucking hurt. Like fuck, it felt like I was getting impaled with a smoldering steel rod. Guess the guy didn’t know it was my first time, but still. Being_ slowly _impaled by a hot rod doesn’t sound that much more enticing._

_Everything leading up to it was still super nice though. I loved the kissing and he made me come through fingering — so that’s a major plus! I remember you telling me that some girls have a really hard time coming, so I’m glad I’m not one of the majority. Yay for my body’s easiness! ;)_

_Anyway, I’m glad I’m doing something that (hopefully soon) makes me feel good. I know sex isn’t everything (gods, it isn’t even_ good _yet), but fuck, being in that broom closet (real classy, I know, please don’t judge me) just made me_ _feel_ _something, you know? I think I’m gonna try it again — see if it gets any better. Ha, who knows? Maybe I’ll turn into a regular ol’ pro in no time. Wouldn’t that be hilarious? Lily Evans: teacher’s pet by day (except for Stone’s…), hoe by night?_

_Ha._

_So, at this point, you’re probably wondering who I fucked in a cupboard, but I’m way too embarrassed, so you’ll just have to guess. But don’t worry, I’ve learnt my lesson from last year, and I’ve got everything under control. I will stop if I even get the slightest hint that I’m falling for him. No more tears will be shed for jerks who don’t deserve them — all good feels (hopefully soon…) from here on out, baby!_

_Heh. Just know he’s hot. Like dumb fucking fit. He ambushed me naked (long story, well, perfectly long, decently thick too), so really, I can’t be held accountable for my actions. I think boning him was a normal teenage response — yay for not being permanently broken!_

_Miss you always,_

_Lily_

☆☆☆

People had always told Lily that sex changes everything, but the next day, she felt fine. Maybe it was because she felt like she had nothing to lose, but honestly — why would coming in contact with a penis suddenly change anything about her? She was still the same person, was she not? She could just no longer be labeled as a virgin. _Nothing’s changed._

Lily knew she was going to ignore James today — he had set the code of conduct after their significant moments last year after all — but there was still someone she had to reprimand for his behavior.

“Hi Remus,” Lily said pointedly, dropping into the bench before him in the Great Hall.

“Moony, why is she here?” Sirius whined childishly to the enchanted ceiling.

Lily didn’t look at him either, only having eyes for Remus at the moment.

“Hi Lily, what’s up?” Remus asked, fidgeting with his fork.

Lily leaned her chin on her palm, peripherally aware the other Marauders were now staring at her nearly as hard as Remus was avoiding her gaze. “Be right back, will you?” She knew he had just been a wingman for his best friend the night before, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t make him feel guilty about it. Yeah, she’d wanted what had happened, but it would have been nice to not have had it be sprung on her like that. There were only so few people she trusted at Hogwarts anymore — and she really hoped Remus could be one of those people.

“Uh—”

“Come on, Evans, cut the guy some slack,” James tried interjecting. “I told him I wanted to talk to you.” Lily understood that he was hinting that the guys didn’t know what had happened between them in the closet, but she didn’t acknowledge him.

She stared at the dirty blond boy harder. “Do _you_ think I should cut you some slack, Remus?”

He blushed. “I’m sorry, Lily. I shouldn’t have lied to you.” The cool thing about good guys? They knew when they were wrong — and were man enough to admit it.

She leaned over and stole a piece of toast from off his plate. “Thank you.”

Just then, the post arrived and a large barn owl Lily didn’t recognize dropped a letter into Remus’ lap. “Oh, when’d you get a new owl?”

A confused look crossed his face, but before Remus could answer, his water goblet exploded in his hand, slicing it dreadfully.

“Ow! Let me see that,” Lily said clambering to her feet so she could reach for his blood-soaked palm. She knew she’d made him feel nervous and remorseful, but she didn’t think it had been bad enough that he’d crush his own glass.

James yanked her arm back. “Don’t be ridiculous, Evans. I’ll take him to the hospital wing.”

Lily clucked her tongue irritatedly, shrugging him off. “It’s a cut. I can fix it.”

James scoffed cruelly. “One day temping doesn’t make you a healer. Come on Moony.”

Remus steadfastly stared at his crimson hand, not wanting to be involved in their spat. He got up and followed James out, leaving a seething Lily to shoot daggers at their retreating backs.

 _What the fuck is Potter’s problem? s_ he wondered for probably the thousandth time in her life. She wasn’t going to interact with him at all, and here he was, picking fights with her. What did he want?!

“You can shoo now.” Sirius Black: always the charmer.

No longer hungry, Lily made her way to Charms early, not noticing a dark figure following her there until she heard the door snap shut behind her.

“Not falling for the same trick twice, are we?” Snape simmered, making Lily spin around in the otherwise empty classroom.

“Sev,” she put her hand over her heart, currently beating out of her chest, “you fucking scared the shit out of me.”

Snape walked towards her, and she watched him apprehensively. “So?”

Lily could remember their last proper conversation clear as day. After word had spread that James Potter had dropped Lily Evans right after their Hogsmeade date (sparking all sorts of fun gossip: she was a terrible kisser, she was a stage-five clinger, or the most hurtful — she wasn’t all that he’d built her up to be in his head), Snape had approached her and all but said, ‘I told you so,’ to her face. He’d seen her going out on a date with his arch-nemesis as an act of betrayal so heinous, he’d never be able to forgive her.

Lily considered the fact that he’d started calling her a Mudblood shortly afterwards slightly more atrocious — but to each their own she supposed.

Lily sighed loudly. “So what?”

“You and Potter seem awfully chummy again.”

She snorted, finding this assessment hilarious. “Do we?”

“Lily, _don’t lie to me,_ ” he threatened.

She sat down in her chair, turning her back to him. “Can’t really lie if I just asked you a question in return…” she sassed under her breath.

Snape stalked to the other side of her desk. “This isn’t a joke, Lily! You walk together to class, you sit with him, he gives you piggy-back rides through the dungeons—”

 _That was_ ** _not_** _a piggy-back ride. That was kidnapping._ “Do you have eyes on me or something?” Lily leaned back, crossing her arms over her chest.

“People _talk,_ Lily. Do I have to remind you what happened last time you went down this road?”

“No,” Lily replied acidly. “I haven’t forgotten. And not that it’s any of your business, but I still fucking hate Potter.”

He didn’t respond to that, but she saw his shoulders visibly relax all the same. “I don’t trust Adam either.”

“Really?!” Lily yelled. “Fuck off, Severus. What next? Stay away from Marlene? What about little Peter, is he a threat to me too? Should I just be a loner for the rest of my life?” she mocked. “You’re too fucking much.”

“Lily, I’m **looking out for you** ,” he pleaded.

“Oh yeah? Where were you last year when my parents died?” Lily’s blood started boiling. “Where were you when Mary got raped?” She let out an insane laugh. “Oh, that’s right, you were in the Slytherin dungeons, doing _nothing_ to stop him—”

“I didn’t know what he planned on doing!” Snape’s eyes were getting desperate.

“Before maybe, but you sure as hell knew what he had done after—”

“And what was I supposed to do then?”

“I don’t know, **not stay friends with rapists?!** ” Lily bellowed, her fists shaking as she crashed them down to the desk.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about—”

“Fuck you!” Lily stood up, leaning onto the desk as she felt dizzy with unbridled fury. “Fuck you, Sev! She was a drunk girl, alone, and he _raped_ her!” Tears started streaming down her face and Snape’s beady eyes went wide. “And you did nothing! They’re your ‘friends’ and you could have stopped him you **coward** —“

“Don’t—!”

“You _fucking coward—!_ ”

“It was supposed to be you!” Even Snape looked surprised at his own outburst as they stared at each other heaving.

”What?” Lily asked faintly.

Snape swallowed. “It was supposed to be you. They wanted to teach _you_ a lesson. A Mudblood who was a prefect and trying to date a Pureblood — even if he is a Blood Traitor — it drove them **mad**. And if it pissed off Potter by ruining you, it would have been an added bonus. Not that he ended up caring about you of course. Not like I do.” Snape reached for her but she staggered back horrified, inadvertently stumbling into her seat. “But Lily…” he leaned over the table, “I didn’t let them. Don’t you see? I saved you.” A demented smile curled his lips. “I can protect you; only _I_ can do that. I told you I would, and I _did._ ”

“And Mary…?” Lily’s face was frozen in terror, waiting for his answer.

“They decided your best friend was the next best thing after I told them they couldn’t have you.” He shrugged and Lily couldn’t believe he was actually expecting her praise. _Her gratitude._ “They still felt like they were sending you a message, but you were safe. Plus she walked right into the basement drunk as hell, they barely even had to use the _Imperious_. She was almost willing.”

Lily couldn’t move. Last year had painfully reminded her that she was a terrible judge of character — always wanting to believe in the **good** of people, even when they didn’t deserve it — but this was on a different level completely. She felt puke trying to force its way up her throat. “You’re sick,” she croaked. She knew Snape had always disliked Mary, but this? This was beyond evil — this was the work of the devil himself.

“Lily, it’s not too late—”

“ _Leave me alone_.” Her voice sounded as hollow as she felt.

“Lily—”

“Hello love, you saved me a seat? You shouldn’t have.” Lily vaguely registered someone planting a kiss on the crown of her head and slinging himself onto the seat next to her, his arm coming to rest around her shoulders.

“We were having a private conversation, Potter—”

“Pretty sure I just heard her telling you to get lost.” His tone completely transformed when he turned to her. “Lily, are you all right?!”

“She’s _fine—_ ”

“I didn’t ask you, _Snivellus_.”

Lily got up and walked away, barely making it to the nearest bathroom before hurling up bright yellow bile into the first toilet bowl she ran into. _It’s your fault. It’s all your fucking fault._ Another round of acid burned up her esophagus as she crouched there, mind reeling.

“Lily?” a girl asked tentatively a minute later. Lily heard her stall door creak open behind her as Marlene pushed through. “Oh no,” she said, pulling Lily’s hair back and securing it with a scrunchie. “It’s all right. Get it all out.” She rubbed soothing circles on her back.

Lily knew she didn’t deserve the mollycoddling — she was the reason her best friend no longer went to this school. If it wasn’t for her, and her stupid blood, Mary Macdonald’s life wouldn’t have been completely derailed. Association with her was dangerous. She felt like a cancer, slowly gnawing away at everything good around her.

Marlene didn’t deserve to be brought down with her.

“I’m fine,” Lily coughed between dry heaves. “I’m fine.”

“Okay, I’ll give you a minute, all right? I’ll be right outside the door whenever you’re ready.” This girl was way too nice.

She walked out of the bathroom and Lily vaguely heard her talking to someone on the other side of the door. “She looks really shook up, but I think she’ll be okay, doesn’t look like she’s actually puking anything up… No, how am I supposed to know if she ate anything this morning?”

Lily groaned, wondering when was the last time this toilet seat had gotten a cleaning.

☆☆☆

Marlene had been sweet enough to escort Lily back to Gryffindor Tower and assured her she’d inform all her teachers she wasn’t feeling well. When a house-elf came to her room shortly after, carrying a tray of soup and crackers to settle her stomach, Lily vowed to kiss the girl when she saw her next (after rigorously brushing her teeth of course).

She spent the next few hours cycling through crying and staring out the window numbly.

☆☆☆

“Oh, Miss Evans, I didn’t think you were going to be joining us,” McGonagall said, not unkindly, when Lily knocked on her office door that night.

 _I didn’t think detention was optional._ “I’m feeling better,” Lily lied. She noticed James was studying her from in front of McGonagall’s desk, an unknown look in his eye.

“I’m glad. Now, if you’ll follow me.” The professor trotted out of the room to find Filch, depositing the teens with him shortly after.

The caretaker assigned them to polish all the statues in the Trophy Room — sans magic, of course — and left them with a sinister smile. Lily hardly thought it was a punishment for Potter; she was sure he’d wax all ( _damn he had a lot_ ) his trophies for fun and bragging rights anyway.

As the door clicked shut, she began cleaning the academic medals on principle.

“Are you okay?” James asked cautiously, trying to catch her eye.

There was some mystery substance on Newt Scamander’s name plaque and she was now thoroughly invested in getting it off. “Yeah, I’m brill.”

“Lily…” James put his hand over hers, stilling her scrubbing. “You don’t have to pretend with me.”

Lily looked at him like he’d grown an extra head. “What are you doing?”

James retracted his hand, shooting it through his hair instead. “What do you mean?”

“The touching and the fake concern — I don’t need it.” She resumed using her elbow grease.

“It’s not fake.” He sounded offended.

“Okay, well, whatever it is — cut it out. We had sex. Moving on.”

“That’s not what I was—” James struggled, “—I’d hardly call that _sex._ ”

Lily jerked her head back up to him. “Oh, is it only considered sex if the male comes?” She knew she was being contrary on purpose; he got riled up just as she’d predicted he would.

“No! What?” James pulled at his roots. “Fuck, I didn’t _say_ that, and I wasn’t talking about last night, you seemed really upset today—”

“It didn’t have to do with you—”

“I _know_ that!” James snapped frustratedly. This woman was going to drive him insane. “I was just wondering if I could help at all.”

“You can’t,” she responded dryly.

“Okay. Well, I’m here for you.”

Lily nearly rolled her eyes at the statement. He thought he was so fucking smooth. Was he pissed she’d served him his own medicine in the cold shoulder department? Was it no fun toying with someone who so clearly couldn’t care less?

“Actually, I wasn’t kidding about keeping your mouth shut about us having sex. Don’t pull any more stunts like what you did in front of Severus today.” It was in her best interest no one knew she was having sex with a fuckboy… And apparently it was in his best interest to not flaunt having ties with a dirty little Mudblood like her either.

“Why do you care about what he thinks?” James asked affronted.

“Stop!” Lily dropped the trophy she was holding and a gold chunk broke off and rolled away. “Just _stop_ with the pettiness. It’s not about _you_ , it’s not about _Snape, I_ just don’t want to have to deal with this shit, okay?” _I don’t want to be responsible for anyone else getting hurt… including myself._

James took in her wild gesticulating hands and flushed cheeks and nodded. “Okay.”

Lily gave him a once over and refolded her cleaning rag. “Thank you.”

James picked up a new trophy, truly doing a half-assed job with each one. “I’m sorry by the way. About yesterday.”

Lily tried to stretch a kink out of her neck. “It’s okay. We can try again.”

“What?” James asked, taken aback.

“Do you not want to try again?”

“No, I mean, **yes** , of course I want to have sex with you again—” it was certainly a phrase he thought he’d never get to utter, “—fuck, Evans, but— what did you think I was apologizing for? _Pulling out?_ ”

A deep line formed between Lily’s brows. “I don’t know, what were you saying sorry for then?”

“Merlin, Lily!” He threw his rag to the floor. “So many things! For rushing the moment! For making you cry, twice! For—”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Lily yelled, covering her ears. “For the last fucking time: I don’t bloody care! I don’t _want_ your apologies, I don’t want your conversation, I don’t want to hear your fucking thoughts, okay? I just want good, meaningless, dumb sex. I don’t care if that sounds slaggy, I just can’t—” she motioned between them, “—just stop whatever this is, all right? Can you please do that?”

James’ eyes shone with the fire of rage. “So you just want me as a glorified sex toy?”

Lily snorted, knowing he was trying to make her feel bad, but it sure as hell wasn’t going to work. “Yeah. Pretty much.”

He sneered. “Well, I don’t fuck ice princesses.”

“Oh,” Lily taunted, “do you only fuck girls who you can hurt, is that it?” She tilted her head to the side, a move he used to tell her he found so endearing, challenging him in a mocking tone. “Does that get you off?”

James took a step towards her like he wanted to hurt her as deeply as she had clearly just cut him. “ **Fuck you** , Evans.”

Lily moved forward so that they were almost touching and jutted out her chin. “I already did,” she goaded in a harsh whisper.

James’ eyes bore into hers as his nostrils flared. He turned on his heel and marched out of the room, slamming the poor door behind him violently.

‘Oh my Lily: hurt people hurt people. You know she loves you deep down.’ Her mother’s favorite saying about her sister rang in her ears in the deafening silence that followed his exit.

She couldn’t believe she’d made him so flipping mad that he’d actually fled detention. She’d seemingly hurt him… again. Before last night, she hadn’t known that was possible. Sure, she would have believed someone could hurt pure, earnestly proud 4th year James — you so much as insulted the way he played with his dumb Snitch and he’d pocket it with a red face. But 6th year James? He exuded an air of detachment; he was above it all, an impenetrable fortress. _Maybe that’s just the act he’s putting on._

Everyone had walls. Were these his?

Lily shivered. She’d gotten to him again. Why did that give her such an insane rush of power? _Holy shit, am_ ** _I_** _the one who is getting off on playing with him?_ She brushed the crazy thought aside: there was no way.

Sure, he’d shattered her last year in a way she wasn’t proud of, but that didn’t mean he’d fucked her up for life. She wasn’t some sort of sadist now... _right_? He’d broken her, she’d gotten over it. What was done was done. It wasn't like she wanted to make him ache in the same way she had. It wasn’t like she still cared that he’d wrung out her heart to make a puddle on the floor and then made a red snow angel as she still bled.

She was obviously past that.

After all: she had bigger problems than worrying about James Potter and what he was doing to her spirit.

☆☆☆

To feel better about the current state of her soul, Lily spent her free period the next day assisting Madam Pomfrey in the hospital wing.

“So when do you get time off?” she asked the healer conversationally as they changed dirty bedsheets together.

Pomfrey laughed. “Time off?”

“Well, yeah,” Lily continued unsurely. “You’re on call all day and night, even on vacations? That can’t be right.”

Pomfrey chuckled like she’d heard a fantastic joke that just kept tickling her.

“This sounds like a massive oversight,” Lily said.

“If you’d like to tell Dumbledore that one day, I wouldn’t fight you on it.” There was a sparkle in her eye and Lily grinned.

☆☆☆

**_November, 5th Year_ **

“You sure I can pull this off?” Lily asked Mary as she spun around in front of the mirror, scrutinizing the hemline. Mary had lent her a tight strapless black dress for the Sirius’ birthday party; but being a head taller than her, Lily was a little concerned that her ass would pop out.

“Merlin, yes _._ I _wish_ I had your arse,” Mary sighed.

Lily pushed her friend playfully. “I wish I had your **face.** ”

“Okay, swap.” Mary winked. She gave Lily another scan. “Potter’s gonna come in his pants.”

Lily snorted. “Gross.”

Mary flopped onto her bed. “It will be hillllllariousss!” Lily rummaged through her jewelry collection for something extra sparkly. “You know, I think you’re really getting to him.”

“Good.” Lily clasped on a necklace.

“When you bent over in Potions—”

“That wasn’t on purpose!”

“—and he accidentally lit his sleeve on fire? Priceless.”

Lily bit her bottom lip grinning. “Well, that’s what he gets for making a fool of me: 2nd degree burns.”

“Damn straight!” Mary yelled out supportively. She became more pensive. “I still don’t get it though.”

Lily knew where she was going with this, and she didn’t want to go there with her. “Mare—”

“But really? Like, why?! He’s clearly still so into you, why the hell did he fuck all this up?”

The fallout from James’ rejection had been brutal. Besides Snape ending their friendship, Lily also had to face all the girls in her dormitory with her tail between her legs (considering they knew exactly what had gone down). The triumphant look on Brianna’s face alone had made Lily consider transferring to Beauxbatons.

After a week, James had tried talking to her again. Having spent so long cursing and crying over him had made it easier for Lily to push down just how much she missed having him in her life. She missed the dimple in his cheek when he smiled, she missed his dumb jokes, she missed the subtle touches he gave her that seemed inconspicuous to everyone else but meant _the world_ to her. But no — she couldn’t let him in. _Never again._

All the while, her skirts had been getting shorter, her jumpers just a bit lower and tighter, and it seemed to be driving him insane. As per Mary’s suggestion, she’d been making sure to take off her robe in the dining hall and common room, just so he could get as much of an eyeful of her as possible.

“I messed up. _I’m sorry,_ ” he’d begged one day, approaching her by the couch next to the Gryffindor fireplace. “Just give me another chance.”

Lily had flipped her hair back over her shoulder and turned to Mary innocently. “Did you hear anything just now?”

“Lily, _please—_ ”

“Nope. I heard nothing,” Mary had responded smirking.

“Huh.” Lily looked down to her book. “Weird.”

However, James hadn’t given up. He had started asking her out **incessantly.** “Remus, can you pass the salt?” Lily had asked. “He will if you go out with me,” James had answered. “Potter, you’re standing on the hem of my robe.” “I’ll get off if you listen to why I fucked up and my promises to never do it again.” “Professor, why does the potion need two doses of Driftnil? Shouldn’t the one be potent enough during a new moon?” “Professor, please don’t answer Miss Evans unless she agrees to give me a second chance.” Slughorn had laughed heartily at the exchange and told James just how very much like his father he was. James had scowled deeply at this and Lily hadn’t seen him for the rest of classes after that, but he was right back to his antics the next day.

Each attempt had been more grandiose than the last until James was literally standing on the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, trying to serenade her with an off-key Beatles song he remembered her liking. As an amazing singer herself, this incident had offended Lily on so many levels.

She could have killed him. She knew she was torturing him visually — ‘showing him what he was missing’ as it were — but _she_ was the wronged party. Her actions were retaliatory; what were his? How dare he make their relationship into a game like this, _an ongoing gag,_ after **he** had fucked things up? Had she truly never actually mattered to him? The thought tore her up inside.

Lily knew what he was doing: he was ensuring that Hogwarts would never forget about her absolute humiliation over giving in to him the first time like the naive ingenue that she had been. It was like he wanted to have her on a string, pulling her along, so he’d always have tabs (and dibs) on her. Maybe the string was secretly a leash. Either way, she couldn’t let go because he wasn’t _letting her go_.

“I don’t know. But he did fuck up,” Lily said to Mary’s reflection with finality. “I just wish he’d stop asking me out all the time.”

Mary brought her head up off of the mattress. “Do you really?”

Lily turned to her. “ _Yes._ It’s so embarrassing. Plus, you know I hate it when everyone stares at me.”

Mary grinned. “Well, maybe that’s the wrong dress for you then.”

The party was fun, but it would have been fairly average had it not been for Brianna insisting everyone play a game of Truth-Dare-or-Drink. Lily knew her alcohol tolerance was pathetically low, so she really hoped the questions she received would be rather tame.

“James,” Brianna purred, interrupting his eyes’ never-ending journey up and down Lily’s figure on the other side of their little circle.

He innocently bit on the rim of his solo cup, looking to Brianna. “Yes?”

“Truth or dare?” she asked obviously.

“Dare.“

“I dare you to do a shot off my neck.”

What Lily wouldn’t have done to be able to wrap her hands around the tan, brunette beauty’s skinny little neck in question. The same neck she was currently dapping with moisture so the salt she was applying would stick.

“Here we go, Prongsie!” Sirius barked, clapping James on the shoulder as he got up.

Despite being about to take a shot of tequila, James took another swig from his cup, partially hiding his face. Lily could still see the edges of his rosy cheeks beyond the rim.

“Don’t watch,” Mary whispered, but Lily couldn’t help it. She had to see it — she had to remember this was the kind of guy that James was.

So she watched as Brianna smiled wide, put a lime slice between her teeth, and tilted her head back. Lily’s blood chilled as she watched James’ hands land on Brianna’s waist, holding onto her as his tongue licked the salt off the side of her neck. She watched as his face grimaced after he downed the shot and then immediately grabbed Brianna’s face, pulling her in so he could bite down on the lime, their lips just barely brushing. Their eyes were closed like they were kissing. Lily tried blocking out the memories of how his hands had been just like that, below the ears, when he’d kissed _her,_ but it was impossible. The image was tattooed inside her eyelids and the feel of him embedded in her lips.

If she’d been holding her wand, it would have snapped clean in half.

She finally dragged her eyes away, as James removed the drained lime from his mouth, and immediately saw Sirius watching her contemplatively.

Mary’s hand found its way into hers shortly after.

The guys predictably insisted on multiple girl-on-girl kisses and Lily and Mary both got quite tipsy from refusing challenges (like spilling who their crushes were).

“Remus, truth or dare?” Mary asked giggling.

“Dare.” The guys hadn’t taken a single truth all night.

A naughty look overtook her face. “I dare you to kiss Lily.”

“What?” Lily spun to her friend, deciding she must have been far drunker than she’d originally assumed. It had been years since Mary had maintained that the two Gryffindor prefects would have been a perfect match. Lily had had to put her foot down firmly telling her the chemistry just wasn’t there.

“Sh, this is Remus’ dare.” She turned to the boy with deer-in-headlight eyes. “So? You gonna man up?”

“Uh…” Remus was now sneaking glances to James (who suddenly seemed very interested in opening a new bottle of Firewhiskey). “I don’t know—”

“Course he’ll do it,” Sirius answered, pushing the poor boy forward.

Remus awkwardly got in front of Lily. “Um, may I?”

Sirius snorted. “You’re not marrying her, jeez, just kiss the girl, Moony.” He twisted his wrist to look at his watch. “And it better be longer than five seconds.”

 _Mark my words, one day, I’m going to punch Sirius Black._ “Yes, Remus, you may,” Lily encouraged him mildly, trying not to let her eyes stray to his best friend over his shoulder. She could still feel the heat of his glower, burning her skin.

It was awkward. Not only was everyone watching, but they were both so uncomfortable that their teeth clanked together and their arms remained glued to their sides.

“Woo!” Sirius yelled obnoxiously. “Lily, how’s it feel having snogged half the Marauders?” Lily’s cheeks went pink. “Peter, you want to go next?”

“What’s your problem, Black?” Lily asked heatedly, narrowing her eyes at the birthday boy as Remus sat back down.

“Okay guys, it’s just a game—” Marlene tried diffusing the situation.

“It’s okay, Marley. Truth or dare, Evans?” Sirius challenged. It was like only they were in the room, and only one of them was making it out of alive.

“It’s not your turn—”

“Scared, Evans?”

“You wish.” Lily took a deep breath. “Truth.” She was _not_ about to be asked to make out with Peter.

“Are you a virgin?”

Lily audibly gasped and James choked on his drink. _What?! How wouldn’t I be a virgin? I literally_ just _had my first kiss for fuck’s sake!_ It dawned on her: James must have had no idea.

“She’s not.”

Every head in the circle snapped in Mary’s direction.

“ _What are you doing?!_ ” Lily muttered under her breath panic-stricken.

“Really?” Sirius crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back, looking impressed. “Do tell.”

“Over the summer. He was a Muggle.”

 _Holy fucking shit, she’s passing off her own story as_ ** _mine!_** “Mare—”

Sirius let out a low whistle. “Wow, Evans, didn’t realize you had it in you.”

“Literally!” Peter squeaked, chuckling.

Sirius ignored his plump pal and turned to James; Lily’s gaze followed. “Damn Prongs, you were with an _experienced_ woman.”

James and Lily’s eyes met, and her heart stopped. There was no mistaking the hurt there. She wanted to take it back, to tell him it wasn’t true so the twinkle would reignite in his hazel irises — but her pride stopped her. She hadn’t done anything wrong. Even if she had slept with a Muggle — even if she’d slept with a thousand — she wouldn’t have done anything wrong. He didn’t have any claim to her — _he’d_ made sure they weren’t dating. He didn’t own her. She owed him nothing.

“ _What the fuck were you thinking?_ ” Lily hissed to Mary shortly after she’d dragged her to the corner of the room.

“Lily, that was perfect! Did you see the look on his face?” Mary cheered. “He was **so** pissed!”

“Mary, you can’t just lie about that sort of stuff on my account,” Lily fumed.

Mary noticed Lily was leaning over her. “Are you seriously mad? Sirius was walking all over you. I had to put him in his place.”

“That was _my_ call, Mare! Now everyone thinks I’m some sort of—”

“Of what, huh?” Mary countered, crossing her arms.

“No. No, you don’t get to be pissed just because I’m pissed.”

“Well, I think you were just about to imply I was a whore.” Mary knocked over a bowl of chips with her flailing arms. “Damn it.” She looked down disappointed.

“No, I was not.” Lily was adamant.

“Okay, well, I still don’t see why you’re mad. Think about it: this will finally get Potter to leave you the fuck alone like you wanted!”

Lily rubbed her temples, irritated beyond belief. She _had_ wanted James to stop annoying her… but not like this.

“Come on, let’s go to the kitchens.” Mary grabbed for her hand. “I need snacks!”

Lily dodged her. “No, I don’t think so. I’m going to bed,” she said grouchily.

“Lilllllyyy, please?” Mary whined. “I’m so hungry!”

“You go. Goodnight.” Lily trudged upstairs, completely over this day. She didn’t see her best friend stumble out of the portrait hole, alone.


	9. Trying Again

**_October, 6th Year_ **

“Marlene, have you seen my diary?” Lily asked frantically as she emptied all the shelves of her nightstand onto her mattress for the third time. “I can’t bloody find it!”

“What’s it look like?” Marlene asked, stepping closer.

“Red, leather, worn in.”

Marlene bent over and picked the missing book up off the ground. “This it?”

Lily pulled Marlene into a grateful bear hug. “You’re a _lifesaver,_ thank you.”

“No sweat.” She took a seat at the only part of Lily’s bed not covered in clutter. “Got any plans for today?”

Lily started cleaning up, rushing to hide the box of condoms Mary had jokingly gifted her at the beginning of last year. “Um, was just gonna do some homework or something.”

“Oh come on, it’s Saturday! That’s what _Sundays_ are for.” Lily smiled, tucking her hair behind her ears. “Want to play some games in the common room instead? Sirius just got a new Wizard’s Chess set. Might be fun to help him break it in.”

The happiness drained from Lily’s face. “Eh, I don’t know. Black kinda hates me.”

“You know, I think I’ve noticed that. Why?”

Lily shrugged. “I honestly have no idea. We were fine till like 4th year and then — **boom.** ”

Marlene absentmindedly started braiding and unbraiding her hair. “Weird. Funny how one can’t stand you and the other— Ha. Well, the boy’s got issues. I can’t imagine hating my family so much I run away to live with someone else’s.”

Lily’s hands stilled over the picture of her parents she had the misfortunate timing of holding at that exact moment. “Yeah…”

Marlene saw she’d stepped in it. “Oh! Lily, I’m so sorry — I didn’t mean—”

“It’s fine, it’s okay,” Lily comforted her. She hastily tucked the frame back into a drawer and snapped it shut. “I feel like going for a walk. I’ll see you in the common room later though, yeah?”

“Okay!” Marlene tried saying cheerfully.

☆☆☆

Thinking about her parents was a slippery slope for Lily. It had been less than a year since their deaths on Christmas Eve, and yet it felt like a lifetime ago. So much had happened since.

If Lily thought Petunia hated her before the accident, it was _nothing_ compared to the vitriol she threw Lily’s way after they’d died driving Lily to her recital.

Every year while Lily was home for the holidays, her former music teacher from her Muggle school _insisted_ she come perform for Cokeworth’s Christmas Carnival as she had ‘the voice of an angel.’ Lily’s parents never tired of watching her perform — and Lily loved having a talent that her parents could understand and fully appreciate. Petunia, however, saw this as yet another way that everyone favored ‘lovely little Lily’ and just how **_special_ **she was.

The road had been extra icy that night, and they’d never made it to the fair. It had been a complete freak accident. Her parents had died instantly, but Lily had woken up at the hospital without as much as a scratch on her — something that had left the paramedics who arrived at the scene stunned. ‘A Christmas Miracle’ they’d called her. Petunia had come to her hospital bed and screamed and screamed that Lily should have been the one who died and saved their parents instead. She pointed out that she’d clearly been able to save herself — so why hadn’t she helped them? ‘ _You selfish fucking_ _freak_ _!_ ’

Lily had sobbed and pleaded, trying to explain that she had no idea how she was alive and they weren’t as she’d blacked out. She had no idea what type of magic had saved her… and she didn’t know how to extend it to others.

If she could go back to that moment, she _would_ have found a way to save them instead. She vowed one day she would be able to protect the ones she loved. All she had to do now was find someone _to_ love.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize someone else was already here,” Lily said after rounding the tree closest to her special spot, her rock in the lake. “I’ll go somewhere else.”

Adam was sitting by the edge of the water, the Forbidden Forest a backdrop only a few meters behind him. “No need. We can share if you want.” The way he said it made Lily realize that he would in fact love the company.

“So, what brings you outside while it’s freezing?” She sat down next to him.

Adam shot her a smile and a cocked eyebrow. Lily wasn’t sure if it was the reflection of the lake or the sky, but his eyes had never been more blue. “Couldn’t I ask you the same thing?“

Lily grinned. “Touché.” She wrapped her scarf once more around her. “Was thinking about my bitch sister.”

“Funny. I was thinking of my dick brother.”

Lily took a jagged little rock and tried jumping it over the surface of the lake. It flopped miserably with a single **_kaplunk_**. “To being the better siblings.”

Adam scoffed. “What she do?”

“She basically hates me for existing. Yours?”

“Pretends I don’t exist.”

“Harsh.”

Adam shrugged. “Whatcha gonna do?”

“Well, screw Paxton — sorry, Michael. Screw Michael!”

“What’s your sister’s name?”

“Petunia.”

“Well scre— wait, really?” Adam turned to her.

“Yeah. Why?”

“There’s your problem right there. No one can grow up normal with a name like _Petunia._ ” Lily tried holding in a laugh which Adam encouraged. “I’m serious, what kind of name is that? Like, what would her nickname even be?” He scratched his head. “Pet? Petty?”

“Tuney.”

“No!” Adam’s jaw dropped. “You do _not_ call your sister Tuney.”

“I… do?”

“No wonder she hates you,” Adam joked.

“Hey!” Lily pushed his arm. “It’s from when we were kids. Sorta just stuck.”

“If you say so.” He smiled. “It’s actually your parents’ fault. The name Lily is beautiful while Petunia… eh. They must love you a lot more than her, huh?”

Lily shifted. “They were fair,” she tried playing it off cool.

“Oh?” Adam’s brows scrunched.

“They died last year,” Lily clarified.

“Oh fuck. I’m so sorry, I had no idea,” Adam rushed. “I’m such a dick—”

“You didn’t know, it’s okay,” Lily interjected. She really hoped no one else would be bringing up her orphan status today.

“Sorry,” Adam repeated, an uncomfortable silence settling over them.

“So, why have we never hung out before?” Lily asked, trying to lighten the mood.

Adam jumped at the change in topic. “Guess I only just got out from under my brother’s shadow?”

“That’s silly. I barely know you and you already seem ten times better than him.” Adam beamed at her and Lily felt a warmth in her stomach. It felt _good_ to make someone else happy. She shamefully realized she hadn’t done that in a while. “Did he do anything specific this time?”

Adam sighed. “He loves to flaunt that our parents favor him is all.”

“They can’t possibly have clear favorites like that, that’s horrible!”

Adam gave her a side-eye. “Two Ravenclaws have two kids: one is a Ravenclaw, plays on the Quidditch team, is Head Boy, and has never had a girl reject him, save one,” he gave her a wink, “and the other is a Hufflepuff.”

“Whoa, way to shit on your own House!”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah Adam, where’s your House pride?” she teased bumping her shoulder into his.

“Eh.”

“I _like_ Hufflepuff.”

He looked over to her skeptically. “You do?”

“Of course! I mean, it’s no Gryffindor,” she smirked, “but Ravenclaws honestly seem a little uppity, Slytherin is, _well Slytherin,_ but Hufflepuff? Loyalty, patience, hard work — what’s wrong with that?”

His eyes lingered on her face for a bit. “Says the lioness.”

Lily turned back to the lake. “You must just be bitter you can’t pull off yellow.”

Adam chuckled. “You got me.” He adjusted his legs. “I don’t know. I think the sorting is a bit bogus. It happens so fast — I know I’m not the same kid I was at 11.”

Lily considered this. “I guess that’s true.” Lily wanted vastly different things now than when she was a 1st year.

Suddenly, all Lily could think of was all the things she wanted to do _right now._

☆☆☆

Lily knocked on the door assertively and strode in, not allowing herself to overthink this. _Sex. Nothing more, nothing less._

Four pairs of eyes landed on her. James’ were the first to dart away. He was lounging on his bed with what looked like a Quidditch magazine in his hands. Lily stared resolutely at him and no one else. “Can we have the room.” It wasn’t really a question, more of a demand for his crew to get the fuck out. She looked ready to either kill James or devour him whole.

“Excu—” Sirius started angrily.

“Sure,” Remus interjected, getting to his feet and pulling Sirius along with him. It seemed he was still feeling a little guilty about the whole leaving-Lily-in-the-corridor thing. Peter scrambled to catch up to them.

“We’ll just be downstairs, Prongs,” Sirius said, eyeing Lily like he was onto her.

Lily ignored him as he passed, her nostrils only flaring slightly. She had to keep up her confidence level to do what she wanted to, and the best way to do that was to not let Sirius Black tear her down with one threatening look.

The door clicked shut behind the boys and the room buzzed with unfettered electricity. She stepped up to the side of his bed, but he still refused to look over to her.

“Come to insult me again, Evans?” He flipped a page.

She ground her teeth. She couldn’t believe she’d even _considered_ apologizing to him. He would _never_ be worth the effort. She had never met anyone so _arrogant_ in her life. “No.”

He snorted, snapped his magazine shut and swung his legs down to the floor, finally turning to her. “Then _why_ are you here?” He seemed irritated by her very presence.

With the height of the bed, they were eye level for the first time in a long while, and it steeled her determination. She stepped in the space between his knees and pulled him in for a searing kiss. She could feel his body freezing from shock before melting into her embrace, his palms coming up to cup her cheeks. She pushed her tongue roughly into his mouth, stroking his, causing him to snap out of her brief beguilement. “No, you can’t do this. I know what you’re—“

Lily, expecting his pushback, grabbed for her robe’s fastening, opening it and letting the garment fall to a heap on the floor. She stood before him solely in her underthings fixing him with her most vixenish look, hoping it didn’t look too desperate.

The uncharacteristic loss of control over his face put her worries to bed. His mouth was agape as he couldn’t help but ogle down at her figure — never having seen her this naked before. “Fuck _me_ …” he breathed, still taking her in unabashedly.

“I’m trying to,” Lily murmured as she kissed his neck, her fingers fumbling to open the buttons of his shirt. James groaned, and pulled her face back to his, kissing her roughly as she finally finished with his damn top, pushing it over his shoulders and out of the way.

It was his turn to lavish her neck, and she reached up the back of his, painfully grabbing a fistful of his hair that she (pretended she) hated so much as her head lolled to the side. “Just this… just sex…” She hummed, more for her own benefit than for his.

James bit her neck painfully and then pushed her back to arms’ length as he tried to catch his breath. “We need rules.”

“Rules, Potter?” Lily said incredulously. She would never admit it, but she’d rather thought showing up in her underwear would have been quite enough to stop all this unnecessary discussion. _Since when does James Potter follow_ ** _rules?!_**

“Yes, _rules,_ ” James pressed on. “Rule number one: when we’re having sex, you call me James.”

Lily scoffed but studied his face — he was being dead serious. “Okay, fine, _Potter_ , when you’re inside of me, I can call you James.”

James huffed at her attitude but continued. “Rule number two: this time, you let me have sex with you the way I would have wanted to.”

Lily’s eyebrows knitted together confused. “I don’t know…”

James rolled his eyes. “Look Evans: afterwards you can fuck me all you want, use my body which ever way satisfies your twisted needs; but tonight, _I_ get to make love to you.”

Lily swallowed thickly. She didn’t like that phrase, and especially not how he’d said it. It seemed sappy. And dangerous. “Uh—”

James noticed her hesitation and lay back down on his bed — _still shirtless_ , she thought horny as fuck— resuming his casual gander of his Quidditch magazine as he crossed his ankles out in front of him. “Those are my rules. Take them or leave them. And if you leave them, you can see yourself out.”

Lily’s eyes narrowed at him frustrated as all hell. He was putting on such an air of indifference that it was enraging her. _Or maybe it’s not a front. Maybe he really doesn’t give a rat’s ass._ She wanted to have sex, and _actually_ have sex this time, not just two seconds of penetration, but she didn’t want to start off on **his** stipulations. He was such a smug arsehole that she didn’t want him to have all the power here. But she wanted his body. And what a fine body it was; damn her fucking obsession with his abs. _Stop looking at them you idiot._

“Fine. Tonight, you can have _sex,” none of this ‘make love’ bullshit_ , “with me how you want. But from then on, it’s my way.”

James smirked and turned the page, still not looking at her. She waited. And waited. And _waited_ for a response. _What the fuck is the hold up? I’m HERE._ _I’m down._ Finally he threw her a glance. “Oh, that’s all?”

 _This self-important, cunty, little toerag!_ “Yes. But obviously I can change my rules as we go.”

“Obviously.” He sounded bored.

 _Well?_ Ugh, she hated how awkward she was — would she ever be able to pull off a haughty demeanor like this prick? “So…?”

“Damn, so needy,” James drawled, swinging his legs back around to the floor and pulling her between them. She was about to protest this statement, but he’d tangled his hands into her hair and was pulling her lips towards him. She was prepared for a desperate, wild kiss — not the kind of kiss that made her weak in knees that she’d dreamt about since she was a preteen realizing she liked boys for the first time. It didn’t help that when she had realized she liked boys… it had been due to _this_ boy.

 _Get out, get out, stop now…_ But her silent dissent for self-preservation was swallowed when he coaxed her mouth open and her mind saw stars. The way his lips caressed hers was slow, was deep, was _meaningful._

Lily’s arms wrapped around his neck and as his fingers skimmed her sides, reminding her of her current state of undress, she let out a soft moan. He pulled back slightly, locking eyes with her. She bit her lower lip, getting a little lost in his gaze. It was so earnest, so heady, and she didn’t know if she could trust herself under it.

His eyes dipped lower to resume appreciating her figure. Lily was a little mad at herself for liking the attention so much. “Lily… you’re so fucking beautiful.” His hands ran up her back, taking a minuscule pause before unhooking her bra. Lily’s breath hitched as she let the black garment fall to the floor.

 _Well, this is it. Take it or leave it._ Lily tried hard to stop from shifting her arms to cover herself back up. She’d never let anyone look at her like this and, as much she hated to confess it, she was quite self-conscious of her chest’s stretch marks.

As if hearing her thoughts, James brought his palms up to her breasts as though he’d never seen anything more spectacular. He flicked his thumbs over her nipples, causing Lily to gasp. Hazel eyes snapped up to emerald. “Lily, you’re perfect.” _Fuck you, mind reader. Shut up, just shut the fuck up. Don’t make this more than it is._

Lily couldn’t help the traitorous blush that crept over her cheeks. Luckily, James didn’t give her much time to unravel in his uncomfortable adoration as he’d reclaimed her mouth, deliciously tugging at her lower lip as his hands began to knead and trace her curves.

She jumped on the opportunity to straddle him on the bed, rubbing herself along his lap. He groaned into her mouth as she felt his erection harden even more beneath her and Lily couldn’t help but grin in the midst of their snog. “Easy…” James growled, stilling her rebellious hips with his hands.

Lily sulked, but contented herself by letting her hands do some exploration of their own. With her mouth still glued to his, she traced down the contours of his pecs, using her nails to angrily scratch his abs and settle on the waistband on his trousers.

“Lily,” James warned. She was being way too petulant, and he wasn’t going to put up with it right now. He flipped them over so she was flat underneath him and he settled down, pinning her there. His eyes were molten as his hands travelled down the length of her arms, making her shiver, then gripped her by the wrists and gathered them in one hand above her head. He brought his mouth to her earlobe and rasped, “This time is my way, remember?”

She didn’t think she’d ever be able to forget _this._ He pushed his hips into hers, making her struggle under him. She hated that he could completely restrain her like this… or did she?

He shifted his body to free his right hand and snuck it in her panties as his mouth clamped down on her nipple. His hot mouth was such a contrast to the cool air all around them, and Lily couldn’t stifle the sounds erupting from deep in her throat. His fingers found her clit and he masterfully rubbed and teased it, building up a scrumptious tension deep within her core. She was writhing against him, her body completely at his disposal, being pleased within a centimeter of her life.

“James…” She wasn’t even conscious she was obeying his rules; the name had just spilled out of her parted lips.

He brought up his face to look at her. “Yes, Lily?” His voice was velvet and if it wasn’t laden with so much desire, she was sure he’d sound amused.

His bed smelt like him, he was pressed on top of her, he was all she could see, feel, and hear — she was bound to surrender herself wholeheartedly to him, pride be damned. “ _Please_.”

James’ thumb continued massaging her nub as his long fingers lightly stroked over her folds. “Please what?” He was smirking. Fucking smirking at her.

She gave one last useless heave on his hand holding her wrists, then turned her fiery stare back at him. “Fuck me, James.” She was mad, whether it was at him or at her own body’s weakness for him, she wasn’t certain.

His grin became more lopsided and his mouth hovered right over hers. “Language, Lily.” He brought her into another tender kiss as his finger slipped into her. The mix of naughty and nice was driving her insane. Her eyes squeezed shut tightly as he started pumping in and out of her, making her whimper into his torturous mouth.

Suddenly, James released her hands, sinking down and in one fluid motion, and tore her knickers down her legs and replaced his wet fingers with his tongue, burying it deep inside of her. Lily’s hands clenched around the pillars of his headboard above her, uncontrollably squeezing her thighs around his face. His nose was rubbing her clit in just the right way and she would die sooner than let anyone steal this memory from her. He looked so fine going down on her, and in that moment, Lily had no idea why they hadn’t started this sort of worship sooner.

He brought his skillful digits back into the fray and soon Lily was crying out, spasming into his face with James hungrily lapping up every second of it.

James crawled up besides her and drew lazy patterns on her breasts as they fell rapidly up and down, trying to recover from her spell of absolute ecstasy. He was absorbed by the look on her face, the slight glow of sweat on her forehead. “You don’t know how long I’ve wondered what you tasted like,” he admitted softly.

Lily dared a glance to his face — and immediately regretted it. He didn’t have the ounce of shame required to mask his utter enthrallment of her in that moment. She knew she was his. She knew that in his bed, she belonged to him. And yet, she couldn’t even fight the notion, presently too spent with pleasure.

James lightly dragged his palm up her body, settling in her hair as he pushed it behind her ear. “So, you liked that, huh?”

It was the most useless question. She’d come on his face; it wasn’t really something she could lie about. Her breath was still coming to her in laborious bouts, and she drew her gaze to something less soul-searching than his eyes, landing on his chest. “Yeah,” was all she was able to get out.

“Good.” He curled his finger under her chin and forced her face back to him, giving her another too-amorous kiss.

Lily finally broke free, physically and mentally. “So what, that’s your fantasy sex? Making a girl come?” She hoped the fear of them being finished for the night wasn’t evident in the quiver of her voice. _How embarrassing that would be: that I want him now more than ever?_

He snorted. “Right. Because that would just be the _worst_ fantasy.” His hand snapped to her hip and pulled her body flush against his. She gasped and felt him poking in her thigh. “But no, I’m not done with you, yet.”

She closed the distance between their mouths, unable to help herself. She couldn’t wait to see his cock again and she was past the point of trying to be embarrassed about it. This time when Lily fumbled with his belt, he allowed it, helping her push off the rest of his cumbersome clothing.

They were both completely naked, groping at each other as their lips fought for dominance in their ever-present power struggle.

He hovered over her again, this time, the promise of impending sex even more palpable by the slight pressure of his member right at her entrance. His mouth was slightly ajar as he stared at her, and she let her head fall back into the pillow. “Come on, James, don’t make me beg again,” she said flustered.

He licked his bottom lip laughing. He’d thought she was so cute when she was angry — turned out she was even cuter to him when she was unreasonably worked up sexually. “If that’s what you want.”

He slowly pushed into her, making her fingernails dig into his shoulders as her eyes fluttered closed, letting her body take what he was giving her. “Ah, fuck,” she breathed.

If her eyes had been open, she would have seen James drinking in the crinkling of her eyebrows, the blush on her cheeks, and her parted lips devoutly while biting the inside of his cheek. He’d wanted this for so long, and he wasn’t going to let the circumstances get in the way of him enjoying it to the fullest.

“Look at me,” he said huskily as he pulled almost all the way out.

She’d almost gotten lost in the amazing feel of him stretching her from within. Lily opened her eyes startled, finding his right above her in an instant. He brought his hips back flush against hers and she couldn’t help but throw back her head and moan.

“Lily…” he insisted as he drew back out.

“Fuck, _fine_!“ she cried, looking unwaveringly at him, mad at him for taking her out of the moment. _He had a small scar on the corner of his eyelid… how have I never seen this before?_ His cock burrowed deep inside of her again, and her thoughts were muddled anew. That’s when she realized, he wasn’t trying to take her out of the moment, _he was trying to make her share it with him_. His eyes were hypnotizing her; she could feel herself falling into them. They were holding her, keeping her there.

This was bad; she couldn’t escape how he was making her feel with this look. She had to break away, she had to look anywhere else, but she couldn’t — he had said she couldn’t, and even if he hadn’t, now that she was sucked in so intensely, she wasn’t sure if she even had the strength to stop anymore. She felt a ripple go through her stomach that she wasn’t sure had anything to do with her sex being enraptured.

James brought his fingertips to her cheek and gently traced the curve as he kept up the slow momentum of his hips. His brows furrowed and he looked so concerned, pained even. “Lily…” he whispered like a prayer.

Lily couldn’t help the build of moisture pooling at the corner of her eyes. Honestly, this was all starting to be a little bit too much for her. She thought she was going to get fucked that night. Instead — she didn’t even know what the hell was happening. All she knew was that she couldn’t handle it, and if she didn’t get out now, she’d splinter forever. _What the fuck is he playing at?_

She swallowed heavily and broke eye contact, pushing at his chest. He stilled automatically. “Stop.”

James pulled his head back, worried. “Are you all right?”

Lily pushed him more firmly so he rolled off of her. “Yeah, I just—” she panted, wanting to be anywhere but in this bed anymore. She scrambled for her robe, swiftly pulling it on. “I have to go.”

“Okay,” James said watching her curiously. If he was at all annoyed, he hid it well.

And with that, Lily ran from the dormitory, only catching her breath once she was safely on the other side of the closed door. She sucked wind like she had just ran a marathon as she leaned against the wood. _What the fuck was that?_ She rested her head back. _This was possibly the worst idea I’ve ever had. Sex with Potter?! You daft fucking cow. Way to give him a one-way ticket to fuck-with-your-head-ville._

Sirius interrupted her downward shame spiral by stopping at the landing right in front of her. “Can I help you?” he purred.

“No,” Lily snarled, glaring at him with as much contempt as she could muster.

“Then mind getting the fuck out of the way?” He thought she was giving him an awful lot of attitude for someone blocking _his_ path.

Suddenly Lily remembered where she was and pushed off the door, taking the steps down two at a time.

Sirius looked at her retreating form curiously before letting himself into the room. The air was musky and James was slipping on his pajama bottoms. He noticed his best friend kick something black underneath his bed. “What just happened?”

James looked over at him. Sirius knew him well enough to know he was purposefully keeping his face as blank as possible. “Nothing. Evans just came here to give me a hard time.”

Sirius chuckled. “Nothing new there.” He threw himself onto his own bed and clasped his hands behind his head. “But that doesn’t explain why she was just hyperventilating against our door.”

James walked over to the bathroom casually, not a care in the world. “Yeah, who knows. The girl’s got issues.”

Sirius’ eyes narrowed but he didn’t say anything as James slipped away and he heard the shower start. A very, very cold shower.


	10. Coping Mechanisms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Finding a survivor after rape, use of a racial slur

**_October, 6th Year_ **

“Hello?” Lily knocked on Madam Pomfrey’s office door the next day.

“Miss Evans! So good to see you. Are you here to assist me again today?” the healer asked hopefully.

“Yes, if you’ll have me.”

The two women happily worked side-by-side for the afternoon, Lily never shutting up for longer than 30 seconds (too full of questions), and Pomfrey merrily teaching her as they went.

“Actually, Miss Evans—”

“Lily, please call me Lily,” she offered. They were so close in age anyway.

“Okay,” she smiled, “Lily, would it be all right if I go to Hogsmeade? I’m low on supplies and I’m not sure when else would be a good time to pop over to restock.”

“Of course! I can manage while you’re away,” Lily beamed, ecstatic to be entrusted with this level of responsibility.

“It shouldn’t take longer than an hour, and if _anything_ comes up that you don’t feel confident about, anything at all—”

“I will send a Patronus.” She hadn’t gotten hers to be corporeal quite yet, but the fact that she could produce anything at all now made her immensely proud.

Pomfrey looked impressed. “Very well.”

The healer hadn’t been gone all of five minutes before James strolled in, grinning at Lily.

“What? No cute nurse uniform?”

Lily looked over at him, strutting confidently through the door, owning the space with ease. She reminded her eyes not to linger on the hard lines of his body, finding it so nice to see him in a plain blue tee. “This isn’t a Halloween store, Potter. This is the hospital wing. Are you lost?” She tilted her head.

“Nope.” He plopped himself onto the edge of the bed nearest to her. “I’m right where I want to be.”

Lily gave him an unamused look through her heavy lashes, but it only made him smirk harder.

“Plus, I broke my finger.” He held up his left hand — the ring finger was horribly bent.

“Good Merlin,” Lily whispered, gently taking his hand in her own and studying it as she pulled out her wand. “How did you manage that? _Episkey._ ”

James winced a little but seemed reluctant to leave her grasp. “Might have sat on it wrong.”

Lily’s lips twitched. “I wasn’t aware there was a _right_ way to sit on your fingers.”

James shrugged. “There probably isn’t. I did break this one after all.” He flexed his hand, testing her work. “Perfect. I know one bird who’s going to be thrilled I can still use these.”

She didn’t bite. Turning away from him she said, “Probably more than one.” The awkwardness of how last night ended set in. “Don’t you have a Quidditch match coming up? You’d hardly be any use to us if you can’t catch a Quaffle.”

Lily tried busing herself with some bottles, but faced him when the absence of his response made her uneasy. He was surveying her through his glasses with pleased surprise. “You know my position and schedule?”

“What? Don’t be absurd. We practically have the _same_ schedule.”

“Wasn’t aware you played Quidditch,” he persisted.

“Okay, but it’s pretty common knowledge when the games are, Potter.”

“Why don’t you come to watch them?”

Lily felt like he was trying to trip her up with the speed at which he fired away. “Why would I?”

“Because I’m playing.” He ruffled his hair.

“I repeat: why would I?”

James huffed. “Well, you’ve always wanted to fly, right? Wouldn’t it be cool to see others do it?”

Lily blinked at him. “You remember that?”

James looked at her confused. “Well, yeah. Why would I not?” He looked down to his hands resting in his lap. “It was a nice moment.”

“Yeah,” Lily breathed. She cleared her throat looking out the window — seeing the pitch where they’d had said moment.

“So… you wanna have another round?”

“Excuse me?”

James leaned back on one arm and patted the mattress beside his bum. “Would you look at that, we’ve got a bed and everything.”

 _He’s only interested in what’s in your pants. Don’t you forget it._ “James, Madam Pomfrey trusts me enough to be in charge in her absence. I’m not fucking with that.”

He’d started smiling at her goofily as soon as she’d opened her mouth. “But you want to, eh?”

She rolled her eyes. “Get out of here before I break your other fingers.”

James hopped up to his feet. “So violent, Evans.” He was towering over her again. “Maybe next time.” With the lick of his upper lip and a slow glance down her body, he turned and was gone, leaving a freshly-horny Lily in his wake. He definitely knew how to work her up — it was almost as though he had _years_ of practice in doing just that.

Lily had discovered one thing though: James was still down to mess around despite her panicked exit yesterday. And maybe if he kept acting a little more like this, the cocky asshole, and a little less like last night — whatever the hell _that_ was — they could finally finish for once.

☆☆☆

“Okay, for today’s potion, I’m assigning partners until I can trust you all to make more prudent choices.” Slughorn gave a pointed look to Sirius and the scorch marks still burned into the lab table in front of him. “Black with Avery, Evans and Rosier…“

Lily got up and made her way to where the Slytherin boys sat. The spotty boy next to Rosier shot her a death glare and muttered profanities under his breath as he passed her.

“Rosier,” she greeted tonelessly. Next to their table, Potter had settled next to Hestia Jones.

The Slytherin didn’t say anything, just continued to stare at her. Honestly, it was better than she was expecting. If the rumors were true, the hottest bloke in Hogwarts ( _just_ ** _look_** _at that bone structure_ ) had already pledged his loyalty to Voldemort. Too bad pretty didn’t translate into good conversation.

“All right then,” Lily sighed, unpacking her ingredients. It was just as well. She could do this brew by herself.

They went on that way for most of the hour, Lily occasionally throwing out commands to him and Rosier grunting as he complied. Their potion was brewing perfectly according to plan. She noticed his eyes slightly bulge when she accidentally hit him with her robe sleeve as she took it off, but Potter slamming his head onto his desk at the same time distracted her more. “Sorry,” she muttered. Rosier coughed in response.

☆☆☆

“What the fuck are you playing at?” James cornered her as she put away her supplies at the end of class.

Lily looked around, noticing they were almost completely alone. The other students still there weren’t making eye contact, not wanting to ruffle a Marauder’s feathers. “What is it now, Potter?” She closed the vial cabinet a little harder than she’d intended.

“It was cute when you started it, but it’s downright dangerous now.”

Lily sidestepped him and picked up her bag, exiting the room. “As usual, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Evans—” James grabbed for her arm, keeping her from escaping him.

Lily stopped and stared at his hand then up to him. “Let go of me.”

“You don’t get—”

“Let. Go. Of. Me.” Lily wasn’t messing around. Her voice echoed around the hall.

James released her and combed his fingers through his hair instead. “Lily, I’m serious.”

“About what?” Lily asked exasperated. “Use your big boy words.”

“The skirts Evans! The bloody short-ass skirts!” James cried out like it was obvious, motioning to her legs.

Lily’s chin snapped back, not expecting his answer. She knew how she dressed had always gotten to him, but it had never been enough to make him accost her. “My _skirt_ bothered you, Potter?”

“No! Not me, _I’m_ used to it, but Rosier wasn’t!”

“Rosier?” Lily chuckled. “The guy didn’t say two words to me all class. I’m pretty sure you don’t have to worry about him,” Lily brushed off, turning to go to her next class.

“That didn’t stop him from undressing you with his eyes the whole time!” James said hysterically.

Lily spun back to him. He looked rather frazzled. “Do you hear yourself when you speak?”

“It’s not _funny,_ Evans.”

Lily smirked. “I don’t know, it’s kinda funny.” James groaned frustratedly. Lily took a step closer to him, tilting her head and batting her eyes at him flirtatiously. “So, you think I have a shot with him?” she teased.

His jaw clenched. “This isn’t a game.” He sounded so unbelievably angry. “The guy’s a Death Eater. You don’t want to be drawing that sort of attention from that folk.”

“Right.” She poked him viciously in the chest. That James could be trying to lecture _her_ on the perils of being a woman was positively maddening. “So what would he want with me, Mudblood Extraordinaire?”

James flinched at her use of the slur, but he continued. “You can want to fuck someone you hate.” His eyes panned down her body meaningfully. “You of all people should know that.”

Lily loathed that his words stung the way they did. She knew he wanted to fuck her, and for some reason, he didn’t seem to like her — she could really do without the frequent reminders. “First of all: fuck you. You don’t get to dictate what I can or cannot wear.” He opened his mouth to make a rebuttal but she stuck her finger to his lips, slowly dragging it down, tugging lightly on his lower lip. He looked a little shocked by the contact. “If the length of my skirts were _really_ a problem, Slughorn would have said something—” James’ sharp bark of laughter stopped her short. “What?” she demanded, putting her hands on her hips. “ _What_?!” He was still laughing.

“Slughorn wouldn’t mind if you showed up to class in just your knickers.”

Lily’s temper flared. “No,” she yelled, getting right in his face. “No, you do **not** get to do that!”

James smirked at her fuming in front of him. “Do what?”

“Try to ruin one of the only normal relationships I have left—”

“That’s just sad—”

Lily powered through his outburst. “Slughorn _respects_ me and my work ethic. You’re cheapening my reputation in his class — making it seem as though I somehow didn’t **earn** it—”

“It’s not that deep, Lily. The man just wants to fuck you. They all do.”

Lily looked at him revolted. “You’re disgusting, Potter.”

James smiled. “And I bet you’re wet.”

She wanted to say no, she wasn’t. She wanted to prove him wrong, to be able to look him dead in the eye and tell him that his aura didn’t turn her on, but it would have been a lie. She could feel herself leaking out standing in front of him right then and there, riled up and ready to go.

“Damn it.” She grabbed his arm and yanked him into a nearby secret passageway he’d shown her a few years back, pushing him up against the wall and launching herself into his arms. “I hate you,” she snarled between aggressive kisses, fully attacking him with her mouth. “You make me _sick._ ”

He growled as she bit his lip harshly and turned them around so he was the one pinning her to the wall. “Yeah?” he challenged as he pulled her hair near her scalp back, exposing her neck to him so his mouth could travel down it, roughly nipping and sucking. His lips on her skin ignited a powerful bolt, surging between her legs, making her gasp. His free hand mercilessly roamed her body, playing her like a maestro; he had absolutely no right to make her feel this sexy. “Tell me how much you hate me.” He pulled down her soaked panties (making a satisfied grunt at having been right), pulled himself out of his trousers, and hiked up her knees around his waist. She didn’t have a lot of time to admire his rock hard cock before he slammed it into her, making Lily hiss and slump back into the wall.

“Fuck!” she cried out, scratching at his neck as he rocked her up and down the stone surface with his rhythmic onslaught. His bites were relentless and his blunt nails dug into her ass cheeks, holding her up.

“What do you hate?” he panted, knowing there was no way on earth she could answer him logically while he was hitting her at just the right spot. Her breathing too was heavy and she was trying to hold in her moans. “Is it the way I kiss?” He was staring at her again.

When Lily didn’t answer, too focused on the feel of him deep inside of her with her eyes squeezed shut, he gave her neck a sharp bite. “ _Shit James!_ No,” Lily answered begrudgingly.

James’ hips slammed up to her, rattling all her bones and Lily could feel her insides clenching, trying to keep up with his brutal pace. “Is it the way I fuck?” Lily was going to have many a wet dream featuring how James had emphasized that last word.

Lily whimpered, rolling her hips up and snatching his chin to bring his lips to hers. He groaned into her mouth as she slowly took over his thrusts, turning them into a fast grind against his body instead. She pushed them off of the wall behind her, adjusting her weight over his shoulders by her arms so she had more room to play. “It’s how you never shut up,” she whispered as she bounced herself over him, her lips parting instantly when she was rewarded by increased stimulation to her clit. His labored breathing in her ear paired with her breasts rubbing along his chest made her nipples hard enough to poke out from beneath her bra and shirt.

James moved his forearms back to the underside of her knees to give her increased mobility, his biceps bulging from holding all of her.

Lily tossed her head back, biting her lip as the sensations overwhelmed her. “It feels so good,” she whined fervently, rocking herself on him again and again, hoping her arms (or his) didn’t give out before she got there. She could feel her orgasm building inside of her, teasing her, cajoling her to chase it just a little bit longer.

“Then don’t stop,” James encouraged grittily, barely holding on himself. “Come with me, Lily,” he whispered in her ear, his breath tickling the sensitive skin.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Lily cried, going slack in his arms as the force of her orgasm took her at his words. She vaguely felt him slam her back against the wall, thrusting into her a couple more times as he came, capturing her mouth for a sloppy kiss as he groaned and pulsed.

They stayed there a minute, forehead to forehead, awaiting their minds’ recovery from the blissful explosion, not a care in the world as James brushed a few pecks over her face. She felt his cock twitch, still inside of her.

Unfortunately, reality called, and Lily motioned to put her legs down. James reluctantly released her, setting her on her feet. “That was nice,” she said, scrambling for her panties, inspecting them skeptically, and deciding _not_ to slide them up her slightly trembling legs. She stuffed them in her pocket instead.

James scoffed watching her. “Yeah. Nice.”

It all of a sudden it hit Lily that this was the first time James had come with her. _Inside of you._ Lily was very grateful she’d been so confident in her plan to bed James that she’d researched contraceptive spells beforehand.

“Well,” Lily ran her hands nervously down her skirt, “I’ll see you in Care of Magical Creatures, I suppose.”

He grinned at her awkwardness (had she not just been wrapped around him only minutes before?) as he picked up their discarded bags off the floor and handed her hers. He brushed a lock of hair off her forehead and tucked it behind her ear, making her flinch. “See ya, Evans.” And he was off.

 _Holy shit, we just did that. There hadn’t been a choice, not really,_ she reasoned. She was pretty sure if she hadn’t given into her inextinguishable desire to do him, she may have just combusted on the spot. But still, Lily’s mind was positively blown that they had just had sex, in the middle of the castle… during class. _Oh fuck, I’m late!_

Lily gave herself one more hurried once over before rushing off to Arithmancy, trying to slip into the empty seat next to Marlene as stealthily as possible as the teacher droned on to the blackboard.

“What I miss?” Lily asked getting a piece of parchment and flinging her hair back over her shoulder.

“Oh Merlin,” Hestia giggled on Marlene’s other side, pointing to Lily’s neck. “Were you attacked by a _bear_ in the halls?!”

“What?” Lily questioned confused, touching her exposed skin and realizing it was super tender. _Oh fuck…_ She was going to kill Potter. “Uh—”

“Quit giggling Hestia, we’re not children,” Marlene sighed but looked rather flushed herself. She reached into her bag and took out a maroon and gold scarf. “Here, you can borrow this today.”

Lily’s eyes went wide, thanking Marlene profusely.

“We’ve all been there,” she said warmly as she resumed writing notes. “So, who was it?” she whispered from the corner of her mouth.

“Um.” Lily cringed. She liked Marlene, but she could tell Hestia was listening in too and if she told _her_ , the whole school would know by the end of the day. “It’s too embarrassing. I really can’t say.”

Marlene’s eyes darted to her. “Is he a Slytherin?”

Lily nearly burst out laughing “Gods no. I said embarrassing, not suicidal.” How would she ever forget her blood status when the boys in silver and green kept hissing it to her at every turn?

Marlene let out an uncomfortable laugh but looked relieved.

☆☆☆

“Gather round, gather round,” Professor Kettleburn said later in the day. Lily was glad she was no longer the only one wearing a scarf (it had looked so ridiculous) now that they were outside. The teacher limped in front of the skeletal horse-looking animals Lily had seen pulling the welcome carriages this year. “Now, a show of hands if you can see the creatures before us.”

A number of Slytherins raised their hands, as well as Adam. Lily made a mental note to ask him about it later. _Scratch that, that’s probably way too personal._

Lily’s heart skipped a beat when she saw James’ hand up. She knew he’d been by his mom’s side as she was fighting cancer, but she hadn’t known he was there till the very end. Lily raised her hand, and James gave her a commiserating look. Instead of comforting her, his gaze made her feel guilty. She must have been present and witnessed her parents’ deaths — she knew how Thestrals worked — but something inside of her was blocking the moment out. Lily knew it was a blessing.

“Rather a lot for one year,” Kettleburn grumbled, internally cursing the brewing war for stealing so many of their childhoods. A sweet Hufflepuff girl up front sniffled. The professor turned to her. “Rebecca, would you do us the honors of describing them?” Her voice shook as she did so.

“Nice scarf,” James whispered in Lily’s ear as he tugged on an end. She hadn’t heard him sneak up on her.

She scoffed, knowing he was referring to what he’d done underneath it. “It was oddly necessary. Didn’t want Kettleburn thinking I was mauled by one of his precious creatures.”

“Thanks for that. I wouldn’t want to be put down.”

Lily looked up at James as he faced forward, his body language giving every indication of paying attention to the lecture. She knew he’d given her the string of hickeys tattooed on her neck on purpose… but why? Was he marking her, telling other boys to stay away because she was spoken for? Was he leaving her a reminder of their tryst that she’d see every time she looked in the mirror? She shifted her body thinking about what they’d done only hours ago. It made her flustered. Suddenly, she was aching to do it again. _Well, if that was his intention, it’s definitely working._

Or maybe, he’d given her the hickeys just because seeing his effect on her skin turned him on. Lily couldn’t help but squirm at that thought too.

If only she could get into that pretty, big head of his and know just what the hell he was thinking sometimes.

“I’m sorry you can see them,” she said unexpectedly to even herself as they watched Kettleburn throw a raw steak into the pen of Thestrals.

His honey eyes found hers. “Me too.” He looked down to his feet, crunching on a particularly satisfying leaf. “For what it’s worth,” he swallowed thickly, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you like you were for me.”

She was surprised at this. The whirlwind that followed her parents’ deaths had swallowed Lily whole. She’d gone from having a loving home to social workers coming and explaining foster care to her and Petunia so fast that it had been hard to think about anything else at the funeral. It would have been nice to have had his hand to hold there. It would have meant a lot.

Their robe sleeves were long enough that Lily allowed her fingers to brush up against his. He interlocked their pinkies. Suddenly she didn’t feel so alone anymore.

“P.S.” Lily took a deep breath. “Rule number 3: no more hickeys.”

☆☆☆

**_Day After Party, November, 5th Year_ ** ****

Lily woke up with a pounding headache, vowing next time she’d give in to a few more of the truth or dares — momentary embarrassment had to be better than _this._

She rolled to the side of her bed, pushing her hair back. Mary was sitting by the window, staring out at the snow covered lawn. “Mare…!” Lily droned weakly. “Can you shut that, it’s soo bright.” She threw her arm out limply. The petite girl didn’t budge. “Mare?“ Lily tried again.

That’s when her eyes focused on her: Mary’s hair was a rat’s nest and her face was stoic, looking out the window unseeing.

Lily got up and stood beside her, knowing something was terribly, terribly wrong. “Mary?”

“I didn’t want to.” Her best friend sounded like a ghost, not the warm, bubbly girl she’d been her whole life.

“Didn’t want to what, love?” Lily put her hand on Mary’s shoulder but withdrew it quickly when she flinched.

Mary’s eyes hadn’t moved. “I was trying to say no.”

“Mary…” Lily tried to keep the panic from her voice. “You’re scaring me. What happened?”

Mary’s brows scrunched as a lone tear trickled down her cheek. “I didn’t want to,” she repeated.

Lily eventually got Mary to come with her to the hospital wing, noting that she was still wearing the same clothes as the night before but they were now ripped and tattered.

No one ever said the word rape, but Mary insisted Lily stay with her during Pomfrey’s physical exam, squeezing the shit out of her hand when the healer neared her pelvis.

Lily stayed strong for her friend — she owed her that much — but as soon as Pomfrey gave Mary a sleeping potion and left to inform the Headmaster what had happened, Lily broke down in tears. _You should have been with her. She should never have been alone in the dungeons._

Two girls had lost their innocence that night.

The war had somehow made its way into Hogwarts.

Mary’s parents picked her up shortly after they’d been owled and Lily, mind still reeling, made her way to the Great Hall in a stupor.

“Did you see her face?” a boy laughed to his huddle of friends. “I mean, what a whore.”

“I can’t believe you stooped that low, man.”

The first boy sneered. “What. I mean, she’s pretty hot for a half-Chink.”

Lily saw red. She wasn’t sure what exactly happened in the next few minutes, but she knew she punched Mulciber clean in the nose. Blood streamed down his face as she scratched, clawed and generally attacked every inch of him she could reach, ignoring her broken knuckles. There were yells as someone dragged her off of the boy by the waist as well as flashes of lights popping and sizzling while curses were thrown and she was screaming — a lot.

She regained her sanity in McGonagall’s office, seated next to Potter who was sporting a black eye and broken glasses.

The professor’s tirade washed right over her, but she knew she had detention for an ‘abhorrent display of Muggle-style aggression.’ Potter had done most of the talking for her, not that he knew anything about the situation. Lily thought it sounded like a whole lot of excuses on her behalf. Not that she deserved them. She hadn’t _actually_ been able to defend her best friend, not when she’d needed her most.

That night, Mulciber was expelled from school and was to stand trial in the upcoming weeks at Wizengamot for his use of the Imperious Curse. After that, gossip spread through Hogwarts like a virus — theories and rumors running amuck.

Lily's punishment wasn’t so bad in the end. For detention, McGonagall had Lily arrange her biscuits in order of least to most delicious.


	11. Pineapple

**_October, 6th Year_ **

The intimacy Lily and James shared upon seeing the Thestrals together was short-lived and they soon returned to their usual states of aggravated arousal.

This meant they were sneaking off nearly every chance they got after one spat or another to shag in deserted classrooms, cupboards, or as quietly as possible under James’ Invisibility Cloak in hallways. They almost had the move down to a science: fight, drag, fuck. Fight, drag, fuck. Carry on.

There was just something extra sexy of getting away with sex in public spaces, the danger of discovery lurking just around the corner. In those few weeks, there were far more reports of muffled ghost noises scaring underclassmen, especially when the pair would moan out profanities as vehemently as Peeves. The prefects determined, much to Lily’s amusement, that people were just feeling extra jumpy with Halloween around the corner.

Lily also got to fulfill her secret, deep-seated desire to get fucked in the restricted section of the library — although them knocking down a book that immediately started letting out bloodcurdling screams did nearly ruin the mood. They’d had to hold each other up from laughing too hard as they ran, barely escaping Madam Pince’s clutches.

All their escapades meant they were starting to know each other’s bodies better than they knew their own. Lily now knew she could turn James into a mumbling, incoherent mess if she squeezed her pelvic floor while he was inside of her, or by simply massaging his scalp for long enough. James knew he could make Lily release the most breathy of contented sighs, and make her whole body break out in goosebumps, if he just lightly trailed his fingers up and down her ribcage as they kissed. It turned out with her, less was often more. She got off on the promise of a touch almost as much as the actual thing.

They’d also come up with two new rules.

Rule four was instated after James had held on to her for a little too long after they’d come in a sweaty heap in his bed on a rare occasion when the other Marauders had been out. He’d turned collapsing on top of her into snuggling against her neck, whispering how cute she’d looked in Herbology, with her fuzzy earmuffs on and dirt smudged across her cheek. She’d pushed him off so hard he nearly fell off the bed and onto his arse. _No cuddling._

Rule five came after James saw a fresh bruise on Lily’s back as she’d been getting dressed one day, scrambling to find her bra.

“I swear, Potter, are you hiding them?!”

“What’s that?” He prodded at the purple line across her back.

“Ow, don’t _poke_ it.” Lily spun around to him, tossing on her shirt, bra be damned. She saw the look on his face and her voice softened. “It’s no big deal.”

“That looks bad. What happened?” he asked concerned.

She looked at him skeptically, freeing her hair from beneath her neckline. “Um… the book shelf?”

James processed the implication. “You mean… that was us?! We— _I_ did that to you?”

“Relax Potter, I don’t know if you remember, I was _quite_ enjoying myself—”

“Evans.” He made her face him. “You need to tell me if I’m hurting you, that is _not_ okay—”

“Potter,” she mocked his sincerity. “It’s fine, really, I only felt it after the fact. I was a little focused on what was happening **in front** of me, if you catch my drift.”

“Lily.” He got down to her eye level, a move she recognized as his go-to when he wanted her to take him seriously. “Stop.”

Lily rolled her eyes, blowing some hair out of her face. “Are you really gonna shame me right now?”

“Shame you?” James dropped his hands from off of her shoulders. It wasn’t the first time he had the distinct feeling they were having two entirely different conversations. He was acutely aware one of the biggest problems they had was a lack of proper communication. “I’m not shaming you, Evans.”

“But you’re gonna make me say it,” she grumbled.

James dragged both his hands through his hair. “You gotta help me out here, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Lily looked up at him sheepishly. “Sometimes, I like it when you get a bit rough.”

James tried to control his face — but he was pretty sure he’d just died and gotten hard in the same instant.

“Sometimes, I like it when you can’t help yourself around me.” She dragged her teeth along her bottom lip. “That you seem like you’ll absolutely lose it if you don’t take me right then and there.”

James possessively grabbed her hip with one hand and entangled her hair with the other. “Fuck, Lily,” he whispered against her cheek. “You have no idea what you do to me, do you?”

“I might be getting the idea.” She worked her fingers up the base of his neck into his hair, tilting her head coquettishly.

“Mm.” James got lost in her touch, eyelids fluttering, before catching himself. “We need a safe word.”

“A safe word?”

James’ eyes snapped forward. “Yeah. So neither of us gets too carried away.” He chuckled. “Seems sorta important considering our foreplay is fighting.”

Lily pushed him back, glowering. “Fine. What should it be, oh wise one?”

James shrugged. “A word we’re not likely to say in the heat of the moment.”

“Guess that rules out ‘fuck’,” Lily joked.

James smiled but kept thinking. “Something that is jarring enough that it snaps us out of it.”

“It’s gotta be a pretty powerful word then,” Lily cooed as she stepped back to him, deciding she was ready for round two.

“Slughorn,” James experimented, grinning a he felt Lily’s lips still on his jaw.

“Are you serious?!” she admonished. “Fuck you.”

“It worked!” James said innocently holding up his palms.

“No! Now I just _never_ want to have sex with you ever again,” she said sulkily.

“Don’t say _that,_ ” he whined, dragging her back to him by the waist.

“Nope. You’re officially gross now. Not happening. Over.” She turned her head away dramatically as he tightened his grip. “Gross.”

“Oh yeah?” James dragged his lips across her collarbone as a hand skimmed over the fabric covering her taut nipples. “So you don’t want me touching you anymore?”

Lily hummed no nonchalantly, fighting the yearning he was coaxing from her body.

“You don’t want me…” his fingers slipped under her skirt, running them up and down the length of her, making her breath go ragged, “to kiss you here anymore?”

Lily snuck a look to his face, hovering above hers. He was smirking like he had her. “I mean, I’d _live,_ ” she lied.

James’ fingers pushed aside her underwear, stroking her. “But, if I were to suddenly do something you _didn’t_ like—“ his fingers slunk back to the uncharted territory of her bottom and she yelped at his veiled threat, staring at him wildly, “—you need a way to let me know.”

Lily recovered masterfully as his fingers lingered near her back entrance. “And who says I wouldn’t like that?”

James growled her name as he smothered her in a snog, leading to all sorts of naughty kisses.

They settled on, _rule five: our safe word is pineapple_ , an hour later.

☆☆☆ ****

**_December, 5th Year_ **

Lily had never looked forward to a holiday more in her entire life. The rumors of Mary’s abrupt departure had died down, but only after Sirius had cornered her in the common room one night, drunk as hell, yelling at Lily that everything had been her fault.

“Why didn’t you go with her, you bitch?!” Sirius yelled while Remus tried to push him back by the chest.

“Cool it, Pad—”

“No! She should know! What kind of _friend_ leaves someone alone in that state!” Lily was fully crying at that point. “Would you look at that! _I’m_ drunk, and I don’t see _you_ leaving me to my own devices, Moony. Thank _you_ for giving a shit about me,” Sirius continued to rant as he was led up the stairs to his room. “Fuck you, Evans!” rang out before she heard a door slam.

Lily sobbed herself to sleep that night. The worst part of what Sirius had said was it was what Lily had felt all the way down to her bones ever since that night had happened.

The next year, after Snape’s admission that the original target had been her, she’d wonder if Sirius had somehow known about that too. She knew he had a Slytherin brother — had he told him? The fury that shone in his eyes when he’d screamed at her that she was responsible for all of Mary’s pain seemed to hint at more than just a slip-up in friend loyalty. It was as close to wailing, ‘ _I wish it had been you instead,_ ’ as you could get without actually getting the bad karma that articulating such a phrase would most certainly earn.

Lily avoided the Marauders for a while after that, but she most certainly noticed when there was a sudden rift between them one week when James, Remus, and Peter all iced out Sirius. This caused the latter to moodily (even more so than normal for him) trudge around alone. Lily had no idea how he could have pissed off usually even-keeled Remus that much as well — especially since the lanky boy had been visiting his sick mother when the supposed transgression had occurred.

Whatever happened, they must have moved past it eventually, because they were all hanging out again, traveling in a pack, before Christmas break. Sirius returned to his typical self, but it seemed as though James had paid the price for their reunion — now carrying the resulting excess sullenness and gravity of his best friend’s actions on his own shoulders. It looked so goddamn heavy. Lily watched from afar as James’ cute dimple made fewer and fewer appearances and his eyes twinkled a little less brightly as the months went by.

Lily wanted to approach James; she wanted to ask him what the hell had happened that had caused the first major fracture between the gang that she could remember and if she could help; but she had no idea where they stood anymore. It had been two months since their date, and a month since Mary’s false confession about her love life. James had stopped publicly asking her out, and word on the street was that he was moving on. At least that’s what Brianna made it sound like in their dorm every night, bragging about all the flirting they’d been doing since Sirius’ party.

So Lily stayed away. At least it meant she didn’t have to interact with Sirius anymore… because if push came to shove, Lily knew James would take his best friend’s side. James would _always_ pick Sirius over Lily — she just knew it, and she didn’t think she could stomach actually seeing her hunch come to fruition.

Sirius moved in with the Potters that break.

☆☆☆ ****

**_Late October, 6th Year_ ** ****

Lily settled down against the beech tree by the lake, cracking open her diary. She knew it was fucking freezing, but she wouldn’t give up the serene peace that came from the water for anything. Mary had always made fun of Lily when she complained that the library was too loud — but it was oft true! Her peers really didn’t seem to possess any form of volume control. (James often complained that the same was true about her when they had sex, but what the hell did he know.)

Out here, with the birds and the gentle breeze she could _think,_ she could process. And what was she mulling over today? The same thing as every other damn day: James fucking Potter.

Lily couldn’t believe _she_ had become the type of person to have casual sex. It just seemed so out of character, even to herself. Intellectually, she could see it was a coping mechanism — she was banking in hard on physical intimacy, trying to let it fill and flood all the other voids in her life. It seemed to be working: she felt herself smiling more, she was making new friends, hell, even her appetite was coming back. But Lily wasn’t stupid. If you play with fire for long enough, eventually you’ll get burned — she knew that. She could see it happening when he held her gaze as they shagged, his all too expressive eyes devouring her. She felt it when he kissed her, always insisting on having his lips on hers as he came. It was even in the air whenever they were in a room together — her body would just start tingling, all the hairs on her arm standing on end, alerting her that he was near. She was starting to fall for him again.

_Like an idiot._

She’d told herself she wouldn’t — for fuck’s sake, that she **couldn’t** — but it was happening anyway. She had no idea how anyone could help it. She’d tried so hard to fight it too, pushing him away when he got too comfortable with her, or just walking away when he’d talked to her too much, but it was no use. No matter how many times she forced herself to relive the pain she’d felt after his rejection or how many of his jokes she ignored, the feelings of having been his friend, and of having wanted _more_ from him, still shone through.

Despite him being rude, cruel, possessive, and absolutely heartless, she knew if she kept this up, it would no longer be just about sex to her.

Lily let out a dark chuckle. “ _Casual sex_.” She didn’t think there was anything more complicated than _casual fucking sex._ At least she really hoped couples’ sex wasn’t this messy.

“You all right?”

Lily hadn’t realized her face was wet until Remus was standing next to her, face drawn with concern. She used the edge of her sleeve to dry her cheeks. “Yeah, sorry.” She forced out a laugh. “Just got a little too lost in thought, s’all.”

“Hate it when that happens,” Remus said kindly. He gave off the same calming energy Marlene did. “Mind if I sit?”

“Course not.” Lily smiled and scooted over so they could both lean back against the tree. Remus had been one of the only people she’d reached out to last year when she’d felt like she was drowning. She still remembered the awkward conversation like it was yesterday.

After a prefect meeting, Lily had asked Remus if they could hang out.

“It’s kind of late, Lily,” he’d replied anxiously looking down the hall like he was considering bolting.

“Oh, duh,” she’d tried to recover. “Maybe some other time then?”

She’d been so desperate for a human connection, he had to have seen that. She was screaming _‘help me_ ’ in her head. He’d fidgeted nervously. “Look Lily, you’re an awesome girl, and I really like you, but I don’t think—”

_Oh god._ He’d misread her forlornness entirely. “Remus, I’m not asking you out. I just… kinda really need a friend right now.” She hated that it felt far more embarrassing to admit _that_ than to know he’d been about to reject what he thought was a romantic proposal from her.

He’d visibly relaxed. “Oh. Yeah, Lily, of course.”

They’d started studying in the library a lot together after that — rarely talking, but Lily appreciated the companionship nonetheless. It had been an unspoken rule that they didn’t hang out when the other Marauders were around.

Back at the lake, Remus shed his coat and offered it to Lily, who tried refusing it. “Take it. You’re shivering. Besides, I run hot.”

Lily took it gratefully, snuggling in. “How is that? You have like zero percent body fat.”

Remus smiled, leaning his elbows up onto his bent knees. “Speaking of: check the inner pocket.”

Lily eagerly patted herself down and glowed when she pulled out a bar of Honeyduke’s finest. Another great thing about Remus? He also appreciated chocolate as the divine gift of the gods that it was. “Can we share?” she asked hopefully.

Remus chuckled at her childlike exuberance. “Dig in.”

Lily swayed happily, ripping open the foil and breaking off a few blocks. “Mm, thank you.”

“No problem.” Remus took a bite from the proffered bar. “So, can I ask why you were upset?”

Lily floundered slightly; it was unlike Remus to pry, at least in person. She had seen he was a bit more inquisitive via letter, perhaps being a man of quill and parchment more so than a natural speaker. “Ah,” she sighed, flipping her wrist. “It’s stupid.”

Remus looked out over the lake to a flock of birds escaping the Forbidden Forest. “Is it James?”

Lily startled, looking at him like she’d been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

“He didn’t tell me anything,” he clarified. “You two just aren’t that discreet. To me anyway. Sirius and Peter are as dense as always,” he chuckled. He didn’t mention that he had a heightened sense of smell and the number of times James’ bed reeked of sex had increased tenfold in the past few weeks.

Lily blushed profusely, not knowing what to say.

“I won’t tell anyone either,” Remus promised. “Although I don’t get why it’s a secret.”

“Because it’s just a sex thing,” Lily supplied.

“Oh.” Remus’ head shifted back.

Lily smirked at him. “Try to judge a little quieter over there why don’t you.”

“I’m not judging, I’m just surprised.”

Lily chuckled. “A girl’s got needs, Remus.”

“I get that,” he looked so uncomfortable, ”I meant, _him_. It’s surprising that James…” he reconsidered, “never mind.”

Lily’s interest was thoroughly piqued. “Surprising that James would what?”

Remus reddened. “I’ve already said too much.”

“Boo,” Lily complained, taking another bite of chocolate. “You’re no fun.” She cast her eyes to the side, figuring she’d try to crack him once more. “You know it’s not like he was a virgin before me. Why wouldn’t he want a casual fling?” She was very much aware that she had been a virgin and she’d _still_ wanted just that.

Remus pretended to lock his lips and chuck the imaginary key into the lake.

“That’s not fair, you know I can’t swim,” Lily bemoaned, making Remus shoot her an exasperated look.

“I still don’t get why it has to be a secret.”

“Because you’re a guy,” Lily stated obviously. Off of Remus’ blank look, she went on. “If word got out that I was ‘hoeing it up’ with a bloke I wasn’t in any sort of committed relationship with because I,” she fake gasped, “ **enjoy** sex? The outrage!”

“Yikes. Guess girls get judged for having sex drives, and guys get judged if they don’t.”

Lily had never thought about it like that… but she supposed she had heard the speculation around school over Remus’ sexuality based solely on the fact that he didn’t seem to be as horny as his best mates.

“Fuck judgy people,” Lily declared.

Remus let out a snort before an introspective silence fell over them. “For what it’s worth,” he began tentatively, “you do seem a bit more like your old self again.” He put a supportive hand on her knee. “It’s nice.”

Her smile in return was genuine. “Thanks.” She watched a fish near the edge of the lake. “I’m trying really hard.”

He gave her kneecap a squeeze before pulling back. “So you like him, is that the problem?”

_Damn perceptive dude._ “I don’t want to,” she whispered honestly. “He’s hurt me so bad.”

Remus’ leg bounced a little as he bit his tongue. “I can’t speak on that, but—” he mulled over what advice to give, “just talk to the guy.” Lily let out an irked huff. “Really. He’s one of the best men I know. Trust me.” He got up to his feet in a hurry like he was going to say too much if he stayed.

“Wait!” Lily called to his retreating back. “Your jacket!”

“Give it back later!” he called over his shoulder, leaving Lily with a hell of a lot more to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **The part where Tiffany explains her reasoning: if you're thinking, hey now, hey now, Remus can't have known Lily and James were together in 6th year, he told Harry they didn't start dating until 7th! Hear me out… they're not dating… And, would you tell a 13 year old when his parents started banging? Or dating?
> 
> ***Yes, Sirius is a douche here. But, I promise he'll have his redemption arc. 15/16 year olds can be unusually cruel/not know how to deal with their problems, and we know he has impulse control issues (not thinking thru sending Snape to find Remus) and has a hard time with sympathy (his treatment of house-elves)... He's in a lot of pain himself and not handling it well.


	12. Toying with Hearts

**_That Night, October, 6th Year_ ** ****

“All right, Moony! Terrible choice, but at least it’s a start!” Sirius called out, clapping Remus on the back shortly after Lily had returned his jacket to him in the common room with a hearty thank you. Sirius’ outburst had made both Remus and Lily blush profusely at the awkwardness of the situation. Sirius continued as if he hadn’t noticed or didn’t care. “Jealous Prongs? Moony’s digging into your scraps.”

“What could I possibly have to be jealous of?” James’ voice was cold and detached as he traced his fingers over the patterns of the upholstery on the couch arm he was currently lounging against. Lily noticed it was the very same couch where this whole tawdry mess had started — somehow it made the words cut twice as deep.

Lily saw Remus shooting him daggers. _One of the ‘best men’ my ass._ She couldn’t believe she was worried about falling for him just hours ago. The boy was one of the most vile men _she_ had ever interacted with. He was **embarrassed** to be associated with her, as though the mere idea of even looking at her right now in the presence of his posse would be beneath him. _Fuck him. Fuck him and his fucking golden penis._

Lily proceeded to berate herself as she climbed the stairs to her room, already mentally adjusting her letter to Mary in her head. _P.S. Never mind! Turns out there’s absolutely no problem with my sex life. Nothing’s changed, we can continue full steam ahead and now I can just fuck him so hard his dick falls off and he never gets to use it again with anyone else and then his life will be ruined and I will LAUGH ON HIS GRAVE._

Lily felt so bloody stupid for even believing **for a second** that there might have been something more developing between them. Everything he did was clearly just another ploy to continue gaining access to her knickers and nothing more. The sex was so frigging orgasmic that it must have permanently addled her brain; how else could she have forgotten that? She reasoned she had been without any sort of affection or touch for so long that she’d assumed that _this_ could progress to something else. She wouldn’t be making that same mistake again.

_Stupid, fucking Lily._

☆☆☆ ****

Several hours later, Lily was still fuming so hard in her bed that she had yet to fall asleep. The more she thought of Potter, the madder she got, and the madder she got, the more unlikely it was for her to fall asleep, and the longer it took her to fall asleep, the madder at Potter she got… It was a truly vicious cycle.

**_Tap. Tap. Tap._ ** ****

The sound was so subtle, Lily wasn’t sure if she’d imagined it or not until it repeated itself. _Who the hell is knocking at our door at this hour?_ Lily sat upright and opened her canopy curtains, looking around the room. Everyone else was asleep. Groaning as the noise persisted, she threw herself out of bed and padded towards the door, yanking it open angrily. “What?!” she whispered, pissed.

A Snitch innocently hovered at the height of her face, flapping its small silver wings rapidly. _What the hell…?_ She tried to grab it, but it flew just out of reach, causing Lily to lurch a few steps out onto the landing.

A deep rumbling noise alerted Lily that something was about to go terribly wrong for her. Suddenly, the landing tilted, turning into a smooth slide with the rest of the spiral staircase. Lily yelped as she fell onto her bum, rushing round and round at a backbreaking speed, unable to grab onto anything to stop her swift descent.

“Oof!” she cried as she skidded to a halt in the common room. She looked up, confused and sore, at the grinning face of James Potter, his leg resting on the bottom of the slide.

“Very graceful, Evans,” he chaffed.

“Potter, what the fuck?” Lily groaned, rubbing her throbbing tailbone.

“Cute pajamas,” he said, taking in her blue camisole and fuzzy flannel bottoms with penguins.

Lily pushed her eyes into her skull, still sprawled on the floor. “I was trying to sleep.” She looked around at her location. “Did you use the staircase against me?”

“Let’s be honest,” James reached down and pulled her to her feet, “the slide was a poor design choice to begin with. There are so many ways—”

“How’d you know you’d get _me?_ ” Lily cut him off.

James huffed. “Who says I wanted you?”

Lily narrowed her eyes at him before turning on her heel, determined to scale the damn slope one way or another to escape this git. As soon as her foot touched the stone, it turned back into a step. Lily let out a small victory cry and sprinted up.

Her triumph was short-lived due to James tapping his foot to the stairs once more. This time he was ready when she came shooting back to him and he caught her in his arms bridal style, swinging them from the momentum. “Don’t get your knickers in a twist, Evans, obviously I wanted you.”

Lily was too tired to even fight him anymore, deciding if he was intent on kidnapping her, she may as well get a nap out of it. She rested her head heavily onto his shoulder. “How’d you know I’d answer?”

He walked over to an armchair and sat them down, Lily draped over his lap. “Easy: I knew you wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight and that your bed is closest to the door.”

Lily cocked an eyebrow and cracked open her eyes. “How’d you know—?”

“Do you like Remus?” James asked seriously.

“What?” Lily replied. If the bumpy trip down the stairs didn’t wake her, this question most certainly did.

“Why were you wearing his jacket?”

“Ugh, I thought we’d gone over this, I’m allowed to hang out with—” Lily started to push herself off of his lap.

James held on tightly. “What did you guys talk about?”

“What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?” Lily questioned moodily.

James glowered. “You know I don’t like it when you make Muggle jokes I don’t understand, Evans.”

“That’s not exactly discouraging,” Lily replied. He kept glaring at her. “Jeez, just pay closer attention in Muggle Studies, Potter.”

James rolled his eyes. “Of course. Because I only take that class so I can understand _you._ ”

“Just let me go to bed.” Lily finally extricated herself from the boy.

James grabbed her hand before she slipped out of reach. “I just have to know: do you care for him?”

Lily looked back to him in disbelief. “Calm down, Potter. He’s always getting sick or hurt, or someone around him is getting sick or hurt like every damn month. It’s pretty hard not to care about him.”

James’ eyes turned hard as he rose to his feet, still holding her hand. “It was a simple question Evans: do you _fancy_ Remus?”

Lily looked down to their hands, noticing he was drawing circles on the back of hers with his thumb. She saw the vulnerability in his actions now, wanting reassurance and confirmation that there was nothing happening between her and his best mate. His soft voice washed over her. “I think he’s always harbored a small crush on you, even if he denies it.” And there it was: he _was_ scared. Scared someone he wasn’t allowed to destroy (a fellow Marauder) was interested in playing with _his_ toy.

Lily pulled free and let her hand drop to her side. Here was her chance, her moment to hurt him like he’d literally _just_ hurt her in this very common room with Sirius a few hours earlier. She could lie and tell him, _Yes! I love Remus! We are running away together and having tons of lanky, sickly babies!_ It would be a clean break for her.

But as much as Potter had earned a stab in the gut, Remus had always been nothing but compassionate to her. He didn’t deserve to have a friend dump him ( _or more likely, punch him in the face_ ) because of a lie she fabricated in a haze of revenge.

Now Lily’s mind was racing — _did_ Remus have a thing for her? She’d always assumed he was this sweet and attentive to everyone, but surely his best friend would have more of a clue of his interests than she would. And if he did… the poor guy. How hard must it have been to like someone who your friend had claimed as their own personal pincushion, first for insulting jabs and now… you know, o _ther sort of jabs?_ What kind of loyalty did Potter invoke in Remus to continue to be his friend, let alone revere him, even if it meant he couldn’t pursue someone he wanted to be with? Jesus christ, James had even had Remus be the one to practically _dump her for him._

Lily scoffed; Mary, superior judge of character that she was, would have been so pleased with the current turn of events. She’d always maintained that the pair would have been so great together: both uncommonly kind, studious, dependable. Lily had always complained that she made them sound so boring. The truth was, Lily had never seen Remus that way. She’d only ever had eyes for James, simply addicted to the way he could make her feel with one _look_. And when Lily Evans crushed — she crushed long and hard, much to her own chagrin.

“Yeah, he’s cute,” Lily taunted, her eyes glimmering with mischief. “Our personalities are far more compatible than _ours_ are.”

James’ voice was low and dangerous. “Do you want to fuck him?” Lily took a step back as he moved in on her, but he expertly herded her into the wall. Lily briefly wondered if she _was_ in fact dreaming and having another fantasy about him dominating her. They occurred almost nightly now.

“Potter—” her words died in her mouth as his palms started teasing her breasts, massaging lightly before pulling down the camisole. The air was so cold in the room, but Lily had no doubt as to just why her nipples looked like they could cut glass. He definitely noticed. He quickly licked his lips before his mouth came down and sucked on her breast, making Lily’s eyes roll back as she gasped. It shouldn’t have been so arousing to see him clamped down on her chest, his hands on her back, holding her body flush to him, but _good gods_ was it. She was arching into him, feeling his tongue go around and around her areola as though spelling his own name into her skin.

He drew back a centimeter with one last flick of his tongue, looking her dead in the eye. “Do you wish it was him doing this to you?” She tried fighting her reactions, but her hands had made their way into his hair anyway, her hips pressing forward. As he pinched her nipple with his left hand, his right snuck into her pants and he slipped a finger into her warm center. Lily was so hopeless lost in euphoria, propped up by his body alone. James brought his face back up to hers, his sexy pout making her clench around his finger involuntarily. “Do you wish it was him inside of you right now?”

When she remained there, watching him mesmorized but silent, he pinched her nipple again, _hard. “_ No,” she moaned as she wriggled against him.

“Maybe…” he whispered so close to her that his lips brushed hers as he spoke. His thumb was incessantly thrumming on her clit. “The person most compatible for you is the one who knows how to get you there.”

Lily exhaled sassily, but her legs started quivering a moment later and she knew her imminent fall over the edge was written all over her face. She was so unbearably close.

“Tell me you want _me_ , Lily.” His left hand was skating from her nipple up to her collarbone, relishing in the fresh flush blossoming there. “Tell me **I’m** the one you want,” he murmured. When Lily overanalyzed (and replayed) this moment for hours ( _and hours_ ) later, she would realize that maybe James wasn’t as self-confident as she’d once assumed. He was asking, really asking for her to tell him. When he’d demanded she say basically the same thing outside of the portrait entrance a few weeks ago, she’d thought it was a power play, plain and simple. But what if it wasn’t? What if beneath all this bravado and cruelty there was just an insecure little boy wanting to be told that _he_ was special?

Lily bit her lip, ready to say anything to make sure he didn’t stop touching her. “I want **you** , James.”

“Good.” Lily’s eyes snapped open due to the fact that he was no longer whispering, a wicked smile now painted on his face, as he removed his hand from her knickers. “Goodnight, Lily,” he said as he popped his wet pointer finger into his mouth, winking at her before he briskly walked up his staircase.

A faint door snap told Lily she was alone.

The gears slowly started turning again inside of her fucked-with brain. _WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!_

☆☆☆

Lily was pissed. No, there was no word in the English language to describe the pure, unadulterated savagery she was experiencing as a direct result of James’ actions. He had gone and done exactly what she feared he’d do when this whole thing started: fucking trifled with her. She couldn’t help but feel the irrational sting of rejection, like a hot knife, stabbing in her side. Suddenly, she was transported back to 5th year — that sad little girl watching her crush pass her by as some twisted joke. Being rejected for feelings was one thing (soul-crushing, heart-wrenching, the works), but being rejected sexually? Lily felt it downright pathetic. It was like a slap in the face, as though he was deeming her as a project not even worthy of finishing — or in this case finishing _off_.

After he’d walked away, she’d stormed up to her bed and took matters into her own damn hands, absolutely annoyed. Sure, it was nice to know she could do it herself now (she admitted, she should have learnt this skill a hell of a lot sooner), but who was he to force her hand in the matter? Who was he to drive her to the point where she _had to_ viciously masturbate at 2 in the morning when she should have been resting for another strenuous day at Hogwarts ahead?

As soon as she had come and could think straight again, she’d started plotting her revenge. The old Lily may have let this injustice slide. The old Lily might have curled up in bed and licked her wounds and pretended everything was ‘fine’ the next day, maybe even slapped on a fake smile… but not anymore. She was mad as hell and needed to teach James Potter a lesson.

But how exactly could she do that? He couldn’t see it coming… Oh no, no, no, she had to play this smart.

☆☆☆

“Oh Lily, thank goodness you’re here!” Madam Pomfrey sighed the Monday before Halloween. Lily had been helping out a ton and brewing the healer many of the frequently used potions in her free time. The practice she’d gained from this ‘internship’ had been phenomenal. “I’ve never seen so many patients before; I just don’t understand it.” There had been a surge in minor hexes in the halls — always different ones, never a clear motive — but it most certainly kept Pomfrey and Lily busy for a few hours each day.

“What do we have today, Poppy?” Lily asked eagerly. The healer had insisted upon the drop in formalities. They got to work administering counter curses and potions side-by-side.

It truly was the strangest thing: nearly all their patients were male and the only ones in any sort of pain were older Slytherins. All of them reported having no idea who had attacked them.

“There you go. They should heal up within the next three hours, come back if they’re still active in five,” Lily said professionally while wrapping up Rosier’s right arm in a bandage after applying a thick salve. He’d come in with large, amber pus-filled boils that popped and regrew every five minutes. It had been absolutely disgusting, like watching a tree bleed — except the sap came from within his skin.

He looked at her strangely, jumped off the hospital cot, and was gone.

“You’re welcome,” she grumbled under her breath, turning to her next patient. She really was learning so much about the thankless job of a healer.

☆☆☆

By Tuesday’s Defense Against the Dark Arts class, Lily had perfected the art of avoiding Potter while flirting with everyone else in sight. She knew it wasn’t the mastery in retribution she wished to achieve, but it was a nice appetizer while she plotted. She complimented Peter’s hair in the hallway, pawed at Benjy’s bicep when he told a corny joke in class, pushed a flyaway hair behind Brianna’s ear at lunch, and even (most egregiously) swatted Sirius’ butt as he walked through the portrait hole, telling him to keep up the hard work at Quidditch practice. The boy had actually looked bashful for the first time in his life. The only person safe from Lily’s newfound friendliness (other than Potter, obviously) was Remus. While she _was_ exacting revenge — she wasn’t completely heartless.

As she walked into the classroom, she found Adam deep in conversation with her least favorite teacher. The exaggerated smile he gave when he noticed her made Lily think perhaps she’d been a little too heavy-handed in her compliments of him the previous day. _Whatever, he’s cute,_ she reasoned.

“You recover from Binns yet?” he asked her playfully as they settled at a desk together.

“Oy.” Lily pushed her hair back. “Remind me why I take his class?”

“Because as a Muggle-born, you’re fascinated by a history that you’ve just been made aware of?” Adam supplied.

“Hm.” Lily tilted her head. “You know, I think you just nailed that.”

Adam smiled at her brightly. “Do you have any plans for Friday? We’re throwing a party in Hufflepuff. I know it’ll probably be lame, but it could be a nice time to prove just how much you like my House.”

Lily laughed. “I actually would love to, but I have Slughorn’s Halloween party.”

“Wow, you get invited to those?” Adam eyed her appreciatively. “Actually, no shite, you’re a whiz at Potions.”

“Yeah.” Lily shrugged; she was going to own this one. “Kinda.”

Adam threw his head back to laugh. “All right, Miss Evans. Well, have fun with my pompous brother at your elite party.”

Lily groaned. She’d forgotten Paxton would be there. It had been easy enough to sit in the back of prefect meetings with Remus, avoiding the Head Boy, but at a party? “Ugh. I’m sure he’s forgotten all about me by now.”

“If I know my brother at all, which I really, really do… he most certainly _has not._ He **still** won’t shut up about a Quidditch game he lost 4th year because the ref called an ‘unfair’ foul on him, every Christmas. I’ve made an entire drinking game around it.”

Lily threw him a smirk. “And you called _me_ an alchie.”

“Lily,” Adam pretended to take a serious tone, “you have to drink to survive the holidays at my house.”

Lily tittered, but a small pit formed in her stomach at the word holidays. She’d been trying not to think about it, but she’d be spending them alone in the castle this year for the first time since she’d come to Hogwarts. The idea seemed quite depressing.

Adam pulled her back out of her funk. “I have some preprepared digs you can use on him, if you’d like?” Lily assumed he’d seen the glum look on her face and attributed it to his brother.

“Okay, well, Michael hasn’t actually ever done anything bad to me…”

Adam’s jaw dropped. “Lily! I thought we were friends now! Where’s your loyalty to my plight?”

She rolled her eyes. “All right Hufflepuff. Let’s hear these genius lines.”

Adam kept her in a fit of giggles with his puerile insults as the class filled up and Stone began her lesson. It was the first time that Lily had gotten under James’ skin this week without even having to try.

“For your midterm project,” Stone began and Lily was acutely reminded of nails on a chalkboard, “I will be assigning partners and together you will work on a presentation worth 10% of your final grade.” There was an excited muttering that went around the room.

_Please not Potter,_ ** _please_** _not Potter,_ Lily chanted internally.

“Evans and P—” _fuck no, come_ ** _on_** _,_ “—axton: the Imperius Curse.“ Lily let out a huge sigh of relief and looked to Adam by her side.

“I swear,” he whispered, “I didn’t bribe her or anything.”

Lily grinned. “Good. Because that would have rendered _my_ bribe useless.”

They had such a good time bantering that she almost didn’t think about the fact that she’d just been assigned a presentation on the curse that had ruined her best friend’s life.

That was a lie: her blood had run cold.

Potter had been assigned a project on Dementors with Sirius.

☆☆☆

“Lily, what’s your topic again?” Marlene asked at lunch. The other girls hadn’t quite caught on yet, but the blonde still went out of her way to include Lily in their conversations.

“Imperius Curse. You?”

“Me and Remus have Shield Charms.” She tucked a stray hair behind her ear. “Damn, you have an Unforgivable Curse, eh? That’s really gonna make the demonstration portion hard.”

Lily stopped stirring her soup. “Huh. I hadn’t thought of that. I mean surely she can’t expect us to do anything… it’s literally illegal.”

“Yeah,” Marlene agreed. “I have no idea what Peter and Dorcas are supposed to do either. It’s not like they can get an Inferius for class.”

Lily chuckled. She looked over to the other girls to make sure they’d moved on and were no longer paying them any attention. “So Marlene,” she started off casually, “are you excited to be paired with Remus?” She finished cooling off her soup and brought the mug to her lips.

Marlene looked at her oddly, on to her pathetic attempt at matchmaking. Lily mentally kicked herself for even trying to get involved. She just wanted Remus to be happy now that she’d been made aware she could have caused a good guy like him any sort of distress. “I mean sure, he’s like a brother to me, so… Not the worst pairing.” Lily sighed. “What about you?” Marlene asked. “Glad you weren’t partnered with my cousin?”

“Cousin?” Lily questioned flummoxed.

“James,” Marlene explained.

“Potter is your _cousin?!_ ” Lily blanched.

“Yeah, like first or second removed or what not. I never get how that works,” she rambled. “Don’t look so surprised, most Purebloods are related some way or another. Either way, we’ve known each other since diapers.”

Lily regarded her as though seeing her in a whole new light. “Wait, how did I not know this?”

Marlene’s lips stretched wide. “I don’t know? I guess we haven’t been super close in the past few years? At least not close enough to hang out all the time.”

“Woof.” Lily cringed. “Sorry I told you he was hot the other week?”

Marlene laughed. “Oh, I’m used to that. Remember those few weeks Brianna dated him and wouldn’t shut up about taking his virginity?” Oh did she ever. It had happened 5th year right before Christmas break. Lily had never spent so much time wondering the halls, trying to be anywhere but in her room, as those few weeks. They weren’t particularly obvious about dating, but to Lily it didn’t matter. She’d already _seen_ them at Truth or Dare. The images of them together, _clinging to each other_ , that had haunted her since had somehow become even worse. She’d wanted to throw up when she heard Brianna discuss _having_ him.

There was truly no worse feeling in the world than watching someone you love love someone else. Lily cried herself to sleep a few more times those weeks.

Marlene continued, “But yeah, I don’t see it. Guess remembering the time he chased me around his house in his underwear throwing Play-Doh at me will do that to a person.”

Lily needed to stop thinking about how heartbroken she’d been _last year._ “So who is your type, McKinnon?”

Marlene studied her for a beat before throwing a furtive glance to the other girls and back. “Okay, I feel like you can keep a secret.”

Lily leaned in, suspecting there was about to be a big drop. “I can.”

“Okay, I literally haven’t told _anyone_ this, so you can’t say anything. I’ll know.”

Lily smiled at the nervous girl. “I promise. Otherwise you can tell Potter that I think he’s the most shaggable bloke in school and I’ll have to transfer from the shame of it.”

“Ew. But point received.” Marlene leaned in closer. “I have a crush on Evan Rosier.”

Lily let out a low whistle. “Good choice.”

“Right?!” Marlene practically whined.

Lily didn’t want to shame the girl, but at the same time, something had to be said, no matter how the guy could probably win Mr Wizard Britain for the next ten years straight, _easily_. “But Marlene: I heard he’s—”

“I don’t believe it,” Marlene interrupted stubbornly.

Lily’s brows shot up at the conviction of her words. “Don’t believe…?”

“That he’s part of that death cult thing. I just don’t see it. He’s far too nice.” Her usually dull blue-grey eyes lit up. “He says the most romantic things to me.” Marlene continued gushing now that she’d finally told someone her secret.

Lily briefly wondered if this was how Snape had felt when she’d defended James to him. She felt the overwhelming urge to slap some sense into Marlene and hug her tightly at the same time. It was much too late for Lily, but she hoped to Merlin that Marlene’s heart won’t be broken by the same harsh reality that had crushed hers.

Lily guessed it could always be worse: she could have fallen in love with a Death Eater.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Tiff explains herself: I know some of you may say, ew, what? Remus crushing on Lily? Hear me out! EVERYONE tells Harry, you look just like your father, you look just like your father, and then suddenly REMUS… aka one of James' BEST FRIENDS tells Harry… nah, I noticed you had your mom's eyes first? You'd think he's pretty familiar with James' face, but he was drawn in by Harry's eyes. I feel like that's telling even if he never acted on it. Also, all the kind things he tells Harry about his mom seemed a little lovey to me. But that's just my interpretation!


	13. Who Got the Power?

**_Wednesday before Halloween, 6th Year_ ** ****

“Okay, so Pince says these are all the books here on the Imperius Curse, and I’m pretty sure she’ll never trust me again,” Adam declared as he added two more books to their small stack in the library.

“Oh no, however will you live with that on your chest?” Lily teased.

“Easy for you to say,” Adam said, giving the cranky librarian a longing stare. “I thought I was finally getting somewhere with her. Alas.”

“Oh yeah?” Lily smirked.

“Don’t act so surprised, Lily. Turns out librarians love quiet guys with freaky sides.” He wiggled his eyebrows ridiculously.

Lily chortled — earning herself a glare from the librarian in question. Lily had come to discover that she really did like hanging out with Adam. With him, it felt like she had a clean slate. She wasn’t the sad girl, the girl who’d lost everything; she was just Lily: sassy, smart, Lily.

She couldn’t believe she’d ever thought that Adam was shy when she’d first met him. Now that he seemed to be getting more comfortable in her presence, his true colors were starting to shine through his calm demeanor. It was becoming more and more apparent that he was hilarious and somewhat raunchy, always saying all sorts of inappropriate jokes that had Lily snorting up a storm. She was still a mess — but now a fun one. A typical one. She felt like an ordinary teenage witch with him. She felt like she could be herself without worrying just when the other shoe would drop — because with Potter, there was _always_ a shoe just waiting to come banging down on her head.

“Okay there, librarian-killer, let’s plan this damn presentation. Then you can go make your move.”

Adam bumped his shoulder into hers. “Thanks for not judging, Lily. It means a lot,” he feigned seriousness.

They set to work on outlining the invention and history of the Imperius Curse, notable uses through the ages, and steps people employed to try to fight it. In the back of her mind, Lily wondered if Mary had known this at 15, maybe things would have gone differently for her.

☆☆☆

The closer it got to Halloween, the more it seemed like James was getting frustrated by Lily’s lack of attention. He had taken a page out of her book and was swaggering around more than usual. He knew Lily was doing her best not to look directly at him, but he’d still do things when he knew he was in her periphery. It was truly a compulsive act when her eyes strayed to his body as he was stretching in the common room one night, his shirt riding up his torso. Just a sliver of his skin, stretched taut over his hipbones and dipping into his pronounced Adonis belt, was enough to make Lily momentarily forget why they were having a war of wills in the first place. _No Lily! Stay fucking strong, damn it!_

Then there was that time in Transfiguration Friday where Remus came to her and let her know he couldn’t do rounds with her Sunday as he had to visit his mother. For some reason, James had approached with him and was now staring directly into her eyes, slowly rolling up his sleeves to his elbows. Why was something so mundane so incredibly sexy? **How** did he even know she’d find _that_ sexy? _They’re just fucking_ ** _arms_** _, Lily, like seriously, get your fucking shit together._

“So, is that okay?”

Lily jumped slightly at Remus’ words, turning to look at him. “Sorry, what?” She pointedly ignored James’ muted chuckle.

Remus tried again, speaking to her as though she had been hit with the Confundus Charm, which Lily had to admit, is what she felt like. “I said is it all right if James steps in for me?”

This made Lily snap out of it. “Oh, absolutely no need, Remus, I can manage by myself.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Remus, it’s fine. It’s a Sunday night patrol. Nothing ever happens on those.”

☆☆☆

That night, Lily found herself lingering outside of Slughorn’s office while loud spooky music wafted out. How could she have forgotten? It _was_ Halloween, of _course_ it was a costume party. Lily looked down to her simple white dress. She’d been so busy trying **not** to think about Potter and how much she missed their sex sessions that apparently she had failed to think about some other important things. _I could just splatter some blood on myself, that might work?_ But the more she considered it, the more she realized how uncomfortable seeing the depressed girl showing up as some sort of trauma victim would make everyone else feel. (Besides the fact that it would just be tacky.) It wasn’t really the vibe she was going for. _I could lengthen my dress and be a bride?_ But that would also be more awkwardness that she’d rather not have to deal with. And yeah, a small part of her wanted her future wedding to remain a special and untainted event that she’d never mocked in a desperate teenage moment.

“Social anxiety acting up again?” a low voice asked behind her.

Lily rolled her eyes. How’d he know social group settings now made her uncomfortable? He could go fuck right off with how much he seemed to study her every move. “Potter, if you must know—” Lily turned around and got an eyeful of his chest. _Oh man, someone definitely came to play._ Mouth still open, her eyes dropped from his chiseled, bare torso to a leather kilt. It looked like he had also donned his red Quidditch cape. He was **so, _so_** over being ignored. Lily vowed then and there that she’d go to his next game, if only to pay her respects to the sport.

Her mind tried sparking together some form of grammatically correct sentence after being short-circuited. “How are,” she swallowed, “how are you so tan in October?”

“What was that, Evans?”

His tickled response drew her eyes to his face. Oh was he ever so pleased with himself. Lily tried acting like it was a perfectly normal question. “Your tan. It’s unnatural.”

James smirked. “My mom was half Greek. So… kinda natural. Also why the costume.”

“Oh,” Lily said lamely, feeling dumber by the second. So he was some sort of half-naked Greek god. Gladiator? Great. Just spiffy. He was playing so dirty. He knew all of her physical weaknesses and he was exploiting them. “Why are you here?” she pivoted.

“Uh, is this not where Sluggie throws his parties?” He pointed to the clear source of all the noise.

“Okay, I meant how did you get invited?” She crossed her arms over her chest. He had to be crashing.

“I’m always invited. I just never go.”

_Right: nepotism._ Being the son of a famous potioneer must be fun. “Yet, here you are.”

James smiled crookedly. “Here I am.” His eyes panned down the length of her body. “Where’s your costume? Not that this dress isn’t very smashing.”

Lily’s cheeks reddened bashfully. “I forgot.”

“Oh, no worries, I got you,” James said confidently, glad to get to use his Transfiguration gifts to save the day. He pulled his wand out of the waistband of his kilt and before Lily could protest, she felt a growth erupting from both sides of the top of her head as her tailbone elongated. Just like that she was super uncomfortable in her dress.

“What the fuck?!” Lily screeched, hands flying to her bottom.

“Relax, turn around,” James commanded as he spun her. Lily heard him rip her dress as the pressure at her bum dissipated.

“What did you just—?” Lily looked over her shoulder to see a fluffy white tail now swishing back and forth, sticking out of a fresh hole in her dress. “Potter!” she squealed, “you ruined my dress!” She reached up and confirmed she now had two furry cat ears sticking out of her hair.

“That’s your top concern right now?” he asked, studying her.

“Clothes are expensive.” She tried not making it into too big of a deal, but she was silently calculating how many hours she’d worked to buy this dress.

Understanding dawned on his face — a little too much Lily thought. _What could he possibly know about being poor?_ She’d seen his manor. “I’ll fix it tonight. I promise.”

Uneasy with his look, she made a quip. “Why’d you make me into a cat again, anyway? I’m much more of a dog person.”

James gaped at her. “Evans,” he deadpanned. “ _Evans._ ”

“What?” she looked up at him confused.

“Take it back,” he said seriously. Well, as seriously as someone _could_ say anything when dressed like **that**.

“What?” she repeated.

“Take it back!”

“Why?” she laughed.

He ruffled his hair sighing. “This may be a dealbreaker for me…”

“What is your obsession with cats?”

“I’m not _obsessed._ I just appreciate them.” He regarded her for a beat. “You do too, you just _think_ you’re a dog person.”

Lily scoffed. “That wasn’t at all condescending.”

“What, how?” James was honestly taken aback.

“Telling _me_ you know what I am, like I wouldn’t know better myself?” She squared her shoulders.

He grinned at her, infuriatingly smug again. “You know, sometimes I think I _might_ know you better than you do. Besides, you’d get along with Sirius more if you were really into dogs.”

“Why?”

His smile got toothy. “Because he practically is one.”

“Ha! Maybe in the way he treats women, but not in the way you’re implying. Dogs are sweet, cuddly, loyal,” she listed off on her fingers.

He tilted his head. “And you like those qualities?”

She could tell he really wanted an answer, so she ignored him and continued. “He’s rude, sassy, keeps everyone at arms’ length. He’s the opposite of affectionate, just like a _cat,_ ” she finished proudly.

His eyes took in her face. She was momentarily so thankful she’d spent a little extra care on perfecting her makeup tonight. “You know you just described yourself right?”

Lily quickly tried to replay all the words she’d just bestowed upon Sirius. “I’m not rude!” she all but hissed at him.

“Oh no,” he tapped the tip of one of her new ears, making her scowl, “you’re very, very polite.”

“Okay, you’ve made your point. Now _please_ remove these, Potter.” Her tail flicked.

He stepped into her and she was viscerally reminded of his state of undress once more as the hand she put out to keep him a safe distance away was currently touching his rippling abs. “See me at the end of the night and I’ll take it all off,” he whispered in her ear.

He walked into the party leaving Lily to work up the nerve to follow. _He would._ He totally would leave her to think about that double entendre for the entire party as he acted the social butterfly, going from group to group of honored guests, charming them all equally while never sparing a glance in her direction. She knew it was designed to make her agitated, but it worked in a way that James probably wasn’t anticipating. All she could think about was if _she_ was the one parading around topless: no one would take her seriously. It would do nothing but harm _her_ reputation, but James didn’t have to play by the same rules that she did. _As usual._

“Miss Evans! I do love just how animated your tail is!” Slughorn said merrily as he continued introducing her to all his noteworthy Potions contacts.

Lily forced a smile as she excused herself to the beverage station and poured a heavy dose of punch. She’d never been so thankful for pranksters as when she tasted the spiked alcohol burning down her throat.

“Lily.” She turned to Paxton standing behind her. He was wearing long fake ears and a dirty rag around his hips.

“Paxton! Hi.” She searched for conversation topics as she took another quick gulp from her cup. “What are you dressed as?”

“A house-elf,“ Paxton answered as if it was obvious.

_Oh god,_ Lily thought, relief filling her that she hadn’t agreed to go on a date with this guy — well, followed through with it. She noticed he’d purposefully smudged dirt all over his body and it made his teeth gleam even brighter in the dim lighting of the office. She couldn’t wait to tell Adam about his brother’s super-offensive costume on Monday. “Oh,” was all she could muster.

“Ugh!” Paxton made a face as he put down his cup of punch.

“Something wrong?”

“Yeah. I don’t drink.” He patted his stomach seriously. “Got to treat this temple right. So Lily, I was thinking—”

“You ready to go?” James had appeared by her side.

Lily weighed her options. She could stay with Paxton and pretend like she wasn’t repulsed with everything currently going on with him (which would eventually lead to her cracking and telling him just how not okay his costume choice was, which yeah, would not be a fun time for anyone involved) or go with a sexy, shirtless Potter. It wasn’t exactly a fair fight. “Yes, please.” _Rude my ass._

She wasn’t sure if it was due to her relief at getting to leave or because of the amount of time she’d been this horny, but she gladly took his hand when he extended it to her and followed him back to the seventh floor, ready to crawl into bed. His or hers, she hadn’t quite decided yet.

“Wait, what are we doing here?” She had only just noticed they were in the _left_ corridor. James released her hand and started pacing back and forth in front of a blank wall. Lily’s eyes caught on a troll performing a perfect pirouette in the painting opposite them.

James didn’t answer, concentrating too hard on whatever task he was performing. Suddenly, a small red door appeared, its knob green and heart shaped. James covered it with his hand quickly, yanking it open and ushering her inside.

“James, what is this?” she questioned. Lily found herself in a cozy, circular room. Hundreds of candles floated at different heights around them and there was a bed in the center of the room, covered in what looked like rose petals. “Did you bring me to some sort of sex dungeon?”

“No,” James said almost timidly as he banished the flowers from off of the sheets. “This room just has a sick sense of humor sometimes,” he lied.

“Yeah? What is it?” Lily spun around, trying to take it all in. “You’ve definitely never showed it to me before.”

Truth was, he’d never taken anyone here since discovering it with the Marauders last year. “We only found it in March. Filch was chasing us.”

Lily laughed. “Funny you’d find the most intimate space while avoiding him.” She poked at one of the hovering candles, making it sway and flicker.

James didn’t have the guts to tell her how the room worked. “We got lucky.”

Lily turned to face him, trying to determine if his choice of words was as significant as it had been outside of the party tonight. _Is he expecting to get lucky tonight?_ Their present location told her yes. Her willingness to accompany him there made her think that she was perfectly okay with this too, no matter how much she’d hoped she could hold out longer. He was closer than he’d been a second ago and was grinning at her wickedly.

“What?” She slipped her wand behind her ear and adjusted her dress strap on her shoulder.

“Nothing.” _Crap._ She was fucking being seduced once more.

_How is this happening again?!_ Lily scolded herself. _Come on, you have self-control. You have willpower! What the fuck is wrong with you?_ But no matter how much her mind screamed at her, she knew it all came down to what she wanted. And fuck did she want to keep making this mistake with him. His cute dimple had reappeared on his cheek and it made Lily _feel_ things all over her body.

James left hand cupped her jaw. “I love the way you look at me when we’re alone.”

“And how’s that?” She was scared for his answer.

At a tantalizing pace, his right hand dragged up from her elbow to her shoulder, eliciting a shiver. “Like you’ve forgotten how to breathe.”

Lily was never more aware of her supposed automatic bodily functions then when James was staring at her like that. Her heart was fluttering in her chest, torpedoing around like it was a trapped Snitch. Her blood felt like lead in her veins, thick and throbbing. She was painfully aware of her need for oxygen when her lungs burned for it since she had, in fact, stopped breathing as he approached. He wasn’t good for her.

But fuck if he could make her **feel** good.

After that, it wasn’t hard to get James completely naked considering he only had to shed a cape and the kilt. Lily raised her brows when she discovered he was going commando underneath, but he brushed it off easily, saying his dad had Scottish roots. Who knew Halloween was the time to learn about your fuck-buddy’s heritage?

James tore her dress off, making a big show of repairing the hole he’d made for her tail. “You sure you don’t want to keep it?” James asked sentimentally as he tugged on her fluffy appendage. “It was actually really great seeing just what ticked you off extra hard tonight.” So he _had_ been watching her. Lily pushed his body back onto bed. He looked like a fucking (apparently part-Greek) deity, sprawled out in front of her. “Now I know poor costume choices are a big no-no for Evans.”

“I’m pretty sure you could have deduced that yourself, Potter,” she said as she unhooked her bra and pushed down her panties. “Now seriously,” she straddled him, “take off the tail,” she leaned down to his ear, “or no pussy.”

James squeezed her waist with a sharp inhale at her dirty talk before reaching for his wand that lay beside him and returning Lily to her fully human form. “There she is,” he murmured adoringly as he pulled her face down to his lips.

Lily suddenly became very aware that this was a new position for her. How had she never been **on top** of James? It almost didn’t seem fair; how had she been deprived of this vantage point? She experimentally ground her hips down, skimming over his junk, and was instantly rewarded with a primal moan coming from the depths of his throat. Oh shit, she was going to milk this. She was going to milk this position for all its worth.

Lily sat back upright and basked as he took her in in all her glory, his face going slack in awe. She took his palms and placed them on her breasts, encouraging his idolization of her body. “You can touch, you know?“ His eyes leapt to hers as she regurgitated his words from the prefects bathroom back to him. She smiled, wondering if this was what he’d felt like when he’d said it. She was really trying to harness the confidence he’d exuded, trying to feel what it did to her as she soaked it up. She had to admit, the look on his face as he lay beneath her made her feel as thought she was untouchable, a true queen, deserving of all the veneration and worship that one man could give.

He wasn’t even inside of her yet and she could tell this was her new favorite position. Lily perched slightly on his pecs as she used her left hand to guide his cock to her entrance, letting out a breathy sigh as she sat back down. _Fucking finally,_ she thought as she felt his familiar, fulfilling, length settle into her. She remained still for a beat as she acclimated.

After a final squeeze of her tits, James captured her hands in his, threading his fingers with hers. “You okay?”

She let out a snort, not looking at him as she started rocking herself over him, losing herself almost immediately. _What the fuck was he playing at not telling me about_ ** _this?_** she thought as she rolled her hips faster and harder. Her sex was lit on fire, burning with an intensity that was hard to manage. She jerked herself on him with unabating enthusiasm, her eyes rolling back into her skull as she succumbed to the sensation pulsing from her nub.

They’d had fucked before, but _this_? This was like discovering Belgian chocolate after a lifetime of British. This was finding out you were a witch after years of thinking the most special thing about you was your hair color. This was _magic_.

James squeezed her hands and she opened her eyes to see him there beneath her. For some reason, the eye contact fully overwhelmed her, making Lily clamp her thighs around his sides, effectively stilling her movement and the near crescendoing orgasm she had been chasing since she’d started her ride on top of him. His gaze made her hyper aware that she’d just been losing her goddamn mind, crying out all sorts of nonsensical pleas, obliterated by the way their bodies were melding together. She’d completely lost control.

But James wasn’t having it. As determined as he’d been to leave her hanging last time, right on the brink, he now seemed twice as resolute to make her come tonight. His hands gripped onto her hips, pulling her up slightly so that his could get to work beneath her, pounding upwards to finish what she’d started.

With no other choice, Lily saw stars as she clawed at his skin, screaming out his name. They were _definitely_ doing this position as many times as humanly possible from now on.

“Lily, I’m so close,” were the mumbled words that snapped her out of her sex-dizzy mind as something clicked inside her brain: revenge.

Lily whipped her wand out from behind her ear, amazed that it had stayed there, and tied James’ arms and legs to the bed posts in a split-second, stopping his throbbing thrusts in and out of her.

“Lily,” he was still in heaven, unable to see the intent of her actions, “I had no idea you were into kinky shit.”

Lily looked down at his pathetic form, sweaty and panting, hopelessly bound beneath her. She had no idea just how hard he had been edging for her. She leaned down to his ear, making him groan with the angle change. “Goodnight, Potter,” she whispered as she dismounted him, taking his wand and placing it at his feet.

“What?” James asked slowly, still coming down from being fucked silly only a minute before.

Lily found her clothes, slipping them on while James started to struggle against his restraints, finally processing what was happening. “Lily, what the fuck?” He actually sounded pissed as hell.

Lily cracked her neck, standing next to the mattress. She admired how all his muscles were straining and rippling as he uselessly fought against the ropes she’d magicked. “Sucks, doesn’t it?” she taunted.

“Lily, this isn’t funny,” he snarled. “Untie me.”

She bit her tongue as she skimmed her middle finger up his thigh, over his torso, and along his splotchy flushed collarbone, noticing a gnarly scar there. He was still so — painfully — hard. Her smile widened. “I mean,” her nose scrunched, “it’s kinda funny.”

“Lily, I swear to Merlin, if you don’t—”

Lily performed a quick silencing spell and watched as he mouthed on, getting more and more animated and angry as his soundlessness continued. She laughed. “Don’t fuck with me, James.” She couldn’t recognize the tone she’d taken, but it was something fierce.

His silent blabbering stopped straight away and he looked up at her astonished, and… even more turned on? It was only with that look that Lily realized just how far she’d just escalated things. _Holy shit. You’ve lost your fucking mind._ She whirled around quickly to collect herself. _No, he_ _deserves_ _this,_ she told herself. _He gave you blue balls, and now you’re returning the favor. It’s a fair trade._ She pushed onto her forehead, utterly unnerved he’d made her snap again. _What sort of euphoria-induced dominance high did fucking him cowgirl give me?_ She had the power in this moment, _don’t give it up now._

She took a deep breath and turned back to his restraints, tapping her wand to each one, making them glow purple. “They’ll let you go in three hours, give or take 2 hours,” she said as casually as she could. “See you tomorrow.”

James didn’t even struggle anymore, too transfixed with her as she left him there.

Lily went straight to bed, closed the curtains, and touched herself to the image of James stranded in the bed she’d left him in, constrained and completely at her mercy.


	14. Baggage

**_Morning After, November, 6th Year_ **

“Mind if we sit here?” James asked Marlene Saturday at lunch as he and his fellow Marauders settled down with the girls. He sat directly opposite Lily who was, in fact, shooketh.

“Course,” Marlene said nonchalantly.

Lily was doing her best not to look at James like he was a fully grown dragon in the flesh. _What is he doing here?_ They had a system. Why was he fucking with it?

James threw her a glance. “Morning, Evans,” he mumbled.

“Hi,” she said awkwardly.

Luckily the whole exchange was missed by everyone else.

“Must you?” Dorcas asked. “I already see enough of you two at practice.”

Sirius dramatically covered James’ ears. “Sh! You’ll upset the Captain!” James pushed him off, but he continued. “Don’t want to spoil his good mood. _Someone_ came in at 3 am last night.”

“Padfoot—” James admonished, but it was too late, interest had been piqued and Sirius was living for the drama.

“What?” Brianna asked. “With who?”

Sirius grinned. “Well, I was hoping one of you lovely ladies could enlighten me.” James ruffled his hair, embarrassed, and Lily noticed a faint pink hue to his wrists. He must have struggled until the ropes released him at 3 am then. Lily looked down to her plate, studying her food. “You see, Prongsie here has been unusually tightlipped about the whole thing.” Sirius shook his hair out of his eyes mischievously. He thudded James’ back. “So unlike him! If this had happened last year, he wouldn’t have stop bragging until next week.”

Lily had never been more grateful that Sirius avoided looking at her. She could practically feel the heat wafting off her cheeks.

Remus stepped in mercifully. “Let’s just drop it, Pads.”

“No!” Sirius smiled through the apple he was munching on. “I _will_ figure this out.”

“Like a dog with a bone,” James grumbled.

“Precisely, Prongs, precisely.” He winked. “She must be dead ugly if you’re keeping her a secret.”

“Or a Slytherin!” Peter piped up.

“Please. None of us would be **stupid** enough to date a Slytherin,” Brianna gloated. Marlene was blushing, but the brunette was too busy side-eying Lily to notice. “No offense, Lily.”

“I never dated—” Lily defended.

“No,” Sirius interjected, “Prongs wouldn’t date a Slytherin. No hate sex could be _that_ good.”

“Okay, let’s quit talking about my sex life,” James stated, clearly getting more and more annoyed by the second.

“Easy. Just tell us who she is then.” Sirius contemplated for a second. “Or he, I don’t judge.” He leaned back on his bench. “Unless he’s a Slytherin.”

“I’m not—”

“Maybe she’s a teacher,” Lily said and all eyes tracked to her. She swallowed. _Fuck! You sound jealous. Deflect, deflect!_ “Would explain his grades.”

Sirius barked out a laugh. “Hm, is that right, Prongs? You been holding out on us, but _not_ on Minnie?”

But James was still staring at Lily as though trying to figure her out. She couldn’t help but fidget with her necklace under his heavy scrutiny.

“He’s not sleeping with a teacher,” Remus said matter-of-factly, throwing Lily a little look as he defended James’ honor. “He’s not that depraved.”

“Eh, not sure about that,” Sirius chuckled. “I feel like it’s more of an issue of no teacher being willing to stoop to his level.”

“I wouldn’t go that far.” James smirked. It looked like all his customary swagger was back. “I’m pretty sure Stone wishes she could get it.”

_Arsehole._

“Gross,” Marlene whined.

Soon the conversation moved on, with Lily pointedly looking anywhere but at him. Apparently the Hufflepuff Halloween party had been a hit.

“Hey Lily, ready to go?” Adam appeared behind James.

Lily scrambled to her feet, looking at her watch. “Oh right.”

“Hot date?” Sirius’ brows shot up roguishly.

Lily slung her bag over her shoulder. James’ glare burned her skin. “Defense project.”

“Fuck. Prongs, we need to get on that.” James grunted in response while Lily got to Adam’s side of the table.

“How was your Halloween?” he asked her jovially as they took off to the library.

“Uneventful,” she lied. “I heard your party was a great success! Girls were just saying they were surprised by how much fun they had.”

“See? Because Hufflepuff doing something right is _surprising._ ”

“You’re the worst,” Lily joked, pushing him away by the arm.

Adam came right back to her and swung the same arm over her shoulders, grinning sweetly. “Come on, admit it, you’re a little surprised too.”

“Nope.” Lily smiled. “But I was **shocked** by your brother’s costume last night.”

Adam groaned. “What the git do now?”

☆☆☆

**_End of 5th Year_ **

Lily took a deep breath, resting her forehead against the cool glass of her Hogwarts Express compartment as the train geared up to leave the station.

She’d made it.

She had had a facade to uphold this year: the strong girl. The take-no-shit-from-nobody firecracker. She knew she’d done a terrible job of it near the end and it had been exhausting. She didn’t know when everything had become an act — she really had been that girl, and it had been so effortless, but lately... it hurt. It was hurting her and she just felt so alone. She was hiding behind her past image as some sort of shield, but the armor felt fake, leaving her more vulnerable than ever. Now if anyone would come at her with a jab, they would easily cut right through her to the bone. She just didn’t want to have to pretend everything was okay anymore. She wanted a fresh start more than anything.

She hardly remembered any of that spring, but she knew it had been miserable.

Now all she had to do was survive this summer. And then next year. And then the next one. And so forth for Merlin knew how long. _Let’s just focus on this summer,_ she redirected herself. Maybe it would offer her a sweet reprieve from this funk she found herself in. It didn’t hurt to dream.

She’d be staying with her foster parents and Petunia in London, where they’d moved to in January. The 40-something couple had seemed on their best behavior in front of the social workers, but even in Lily’s grief-stricken state, she sensed something wasn’t quite right there. The kind young social worker assigned to them had assured her that those type of feelings were perfectly normal. She really hoped that she was right.

Lily had tried writing to her sister multiple times over the past few months, checking in, but Petunia never answered. She had no idea what she’d be walking into.

“Can we join you?” Remus slid open Lily’s compartment door, interrupting her solitude. James stepped around him and sat down in the opposite corner from her.

“Uh, I guess?” Lily answered, not knowing whether or not to be on edge.

“Sorry, Sirius recruited Peter to prank his brother, so we just need some place to crash for a bit.” Remus smiled.

“So, I’m your alibi?”

“Nothing gets by you, Lily.” She grinned in response but James snorted.

Lily ignored him. “What’s he doing?”

Remus settled down in front of her. “Sneaking a Niffler into his bag. He thinks Reg won’t notice until he gets home and opens it, so it will wreck havoc on all of his mom’s precious heirlooms.”

“He must really hate his mum.”

“Oh, he really does.”

“Well, I guess it’s lucky he doesn’t have to see her ever again then.”

Remus looked like he wanted to say something, but held himself back. An uncomfortable silence descended upon the cabin. Lily wondered if she should pull out a book to escape it. James coughed.

“So,” Remus continued, “got any plans for this summer?”

“Uh,” Lily wiped her nose. “Guess I’m staying in London? That’s where the foster parents live now.”

“Ah.” _Oh this is painful._ “That’ll be different.”

“Yeah,” Lily tried, “don’t know it well, so I’ll probably explore a lot or something. You?”

“No plans yet. Probably just hang with this fool.” He motioned to James, who looked as uninterested in this conversation as possible, still in his corner.

Lily nodded her head silently. Sirius and Peter collected them not much later.

☆☆☆

Whatever Lily had expected of her foster parents — they were worse. Upon getting off the train, Lily had left through the wall to get back to the Muggle portion of King’s Cross Station (they didn’t know about magic) and was greeted almost immediately by the foul bourbon-soaked breath of Rick, her ‘father,’ as he grabbed her by the arm. Petunia cowered nearby.

“She says it’s you. Is it you?” he asked. “You look different.” The way he said it made Lily’s skin crawl.

“It’s me.”

“Good.” He dragged her off and they took the Tube to the apartment.

Petunia looked bonier than ever, somehow accentuating her long neck further, and barely said two words on the ride. Lily noticed a faded bruise on one of her wrists. Had the parents given it to her? A bully? Someone else? Lily told herself she’d ask the moment they got some privacy.

“You gonna be getting a job then?” Rick grilled as he pushed his way through commuters and claimed a seat as Lily struggled with the bulkiness of her luggage.

“Yes.” Even if it hadn’t become readily apparent that she’d need the money if she was to buy any of next year’s textbooks, she already knew she wanted to be away from the house as much as possible in the coming months. She looked at Petunia who was staring at her shoes. What had they done to her? She usually would have thrown at least five insults her way by now.

“Good. That’s good,” he grumbled, eyeing a woman’s cleavage next to him.

Lily considered what type of job she could get — it wasn’t like she was qualified for anything. Were 16 year olds even allowed to have jobs? _Sixteen_. In eight months she’d be 17 and an adult in the Wizarding World. She’d never have to see this drunkard ever again. Petunia was already 17 but had to wait until September before she’d legally be an adult Muggle. _We can get through this._

It hit Lily why the pair had been such an appealing choice for scammers: one sister was away for most of the year at boarding school. It was like a special — getting paid for two, but only really having to house one. Lily’s stomach turned; she really hoped Petunia hadn’t come to the same conclusion and blamed her. (Blamed her _even more._ )

After taking several connecting subways, the three of them walked down a dirty alley to a dilapidated building. They climbed up the staircase to the fourth floor, Lily panting a she dragged her trunk up by herself. How could her muscles already sting this much? A black cat yowled and streaked across the landing.

Rick opened the door with the dingy 4J label and yelled. “Mag! I got the other one!”

“Quit hollering, I’m right here!” Mag yelled back, not looking up from her spot on the couch. Loud, trashy television blared and a thick cloud of smoke hovered around her as she took another drag from her cigarette. Lily noticed all the blinds were closed.

“P, show her your room.”

“Why?”

“Where the fuck else did you think she was gonna sleep?” Mag tapped her cigarette into an overflowing ashtray. “A friend’s dropping off her old pull-out tomorrow, we can wedge it on the side.”

Petunia looked absolutely furious. “Can’t she stay in the cupboard?” she whispered under her breath. “It’s that one.” Petunia pointed to farthest of the two yellowing doors behind the couch. “Don’t touch anything, I’ll know.”

“Aren’t you coming with?” Lily asked anxiously. She had so many questions for her sister.

“No. I’m going to my boyfriend’s. Don’t wait up.”

_Tuney has a boyfriend?!_

“They don’t buy the cow, honey, if they can get the milk for free,” Mag laughed as Rick settled next to her on the couch, reaching for a beer off of the side table.

Petunia stormed out of the door, slamming it behind her. Lily remained frozen in place, wondering how this had become her life.

“Well, don’t just stand there, go to your room, girl!”

☆☆☆

Petunia’s room ended up being a little spotless slice of heaven compared to the rest of the dump that was their apartment. Lily gathered cleaning had become her sister’s obsessive coping mechanism when she got in her face one morning, pinching a long red hair between her pointer finger and thumb that she'd found on the floor, and asked Lily if she had any respect for her at all.

Petunia was gone most of the time. Lily had a strong suspicion that she didn’t like her boyfriend at all, just needed a way to get out of the house.

The routine at the apartment was easy enough to deduce. Rick and Mag would wake up anywhere between 10 am and noon, watch TV and bicker until about five when they’d get black-out drunk and start to bicker some more, only now louder and more violently.

Lily decided getting a night job would be crucial to her survival.

She started walking around London, buying newspapers and sitting on park benches so she could look through the classified ads. She applied to almost everything saying she was 18.

More than a handful of places turned her away due to her lack of experience. Lily scoffed at the irony of the last one — doing dishes was one of the only jobs she _did_ have any experience doing.

After almost a week of scouring with no luck, she stumbled into a seedy looking bar with a handwritten ‘Help Wanted’ sign in the window. A bald man with a black goatee stood behind the bar. “What can I get ya, love?” he asked. Lily could already tell he was a slimeball from the way he moved his mouth alone.

“I’m here about the job,” she pointed to the sign boldly. A plethora of rejections had shown her she truly had nothing to lose.

“How old are ya?” His beady eyes dropped over her body.

“18.” She’d said it so much now that she almost believed it.

“Yer name?”

“Rose. Rose Macdonald.”

“Any experience bartending?”

She couldn’t really fake that. “No, but I graduated top of my class, I’m a fast learner.”

The man grunted but didn’t look entirely put out. “How are ya with people?”

“Excellent. Real people-person,” she lied through her teeth.

“You’re not one of those hippie feminists, are ya?”

_What?!_ “I beg your pardon?”

“We have a dress code.” He cocked his thumb to the bartender who’d just walked out of the backroom with two bottles of vodka in hand. She was wearing black booty shorts and a black, barely there, halter top. Lily guessed she should be relieved she wasn’t wearing heels. “You seem way too green, but the other bitch just quit, on a fucking _Friday,_ ” he said it like it was a crime, “so I’m desperate.” He looked at his watch. “We have a few hours before rush. Maybe Cynthia here can give ya a little training before things get crazy.” He looked back at her. “Ya can start tonight, yeah?”

_Yes!_ “Sure.”

“I pay in cash every Monday. I’m not paying for training though.”

_Not surprised._ “Okay.”

The boss gave her one more once-over before yelling over his shoulder. “Cyn, I got Amber’s replacement! Show her the ropes before rush!”

It turned out Amber had left her ‘uniform,’ so shortly after, Lily found herself squeezed into it, following Cynthia around the bar as she rattled off the names of cocktails and beers that Lily had never heard of, let alone ever tasted before.

“Try to stay on this side of the bar though. They get all handsy when you cross over,” Cynthia warned like it was nothing. “Here’s the tip jar. Gus makes us split it with him at the end of the night.” She gathered that was the slimy boss’ name. Cynthia observed her. “Wear more makeup, we get more tips that way,” she said, not unkindly. “And learn to laugh at their jokes, they love that.” The 20-something year old’s eyes caught at Lily’s feet. “You’re gonna wanna get a more comfy pair of shoes than that. Your feet are probably gonna be bleeding tonight.”

She was right. Lily hobbled back to the apartment at 1am, hoping Petunia had bandaids in her meticulously organized cabinet. Who knew standing on your feet all day _hurt_ this badly?

The work had been tough, but dealing with unruly, aggressive boozers had been tougher. If Lily never had to hear the words ‘fresh meat’ again, she might be happy. She’d also regretted choosing the name Rose almost immediately: it turned out drunk people thought a redhead with that name was _hilarious._

When she woke up the next morning, Petunia was already gone, but there was a sleek eagle-owl tapping at her window.

“Huh?” Lily rubbed her eyes, wondering who on earth would be writing her so early in the summer.

She struggled to open the window, which stuck awkwardly in its frame, but soon the majestic owl hopped inside. Lily whispered to it, praying it would understand the need to be quiet. “Hey buddy, whatcha got there?”

It batted its large orange eyes and released a letter from its mouth, then hopped on top of Petunia’s mirror. _He must have been instructed to get a response._ Lily opened the envelope and recognized Remus’ looping scrawl from his prefects notes.

_Lily, how are you doing? You mentioned on the train you were going to be staying in London. Do you like it? Are the Muggles treating you well?_

_Sincerely,_

_Remus_

Lily stared at the parchment, emerald eyes wide. Those were an awful lot of questions for such a short note. Why had he sent it? _Why does he care?_

She scratched her head confused, but dug through her trunk for some parchment and borrowed one of Petunia’s pens anyway. It was funny how easily she slipped back into her old Muggle habits.

_Remus! Hi, it’s nice to hear from you. I’m all right. Yourself? London’s okay. I just got a job actually, which is great, because it keeps me away from the Muggles I live with._

Lily tapped the pen to her chin. He didn’t want to hear about her whole sob story.

_Haha. Please tell me about your summer. Or some tidbits from the Wizarding World. I’m completely in the dark here._

_Cheers,_

_Lily_

She couldn’t believe he’d signed off with ‘Sincerely.’ What, was he a middle-aged man trapped in a teen’s body? She guessed Remus had always been a bit of an old soul.

Lily approached the owl and offered her arm so he could take her response. The owl swooped down and hooted softly. Lily was surprised: she’d always assumed Remus was on the poorer side like her due to his tattered clothing, but his owl was stately. She felt guilty for having judged him. “Please bring this to your master,” she whispered as she led the bird to the window.

He gave her a wink and took off. Lily had to admit she felt so much better watching the owl leave, becoming smaller and smaller over the horizon, than she had when she’d woken up in the cramped room.

☆☆☆

**_That Sunday, November, 6th Year_ ** ****

As she’d predicted, the halls were deserted Sunday night as Lily performed her rounds solo. She’d had a productive day brewing healing potions for Pomfrey, and her and Adam’s presentation for Tuesday was almost done. One more practice session tomorrow would do the trick.

As she passed the Entrance Hall, her mind wondered to less academic ventures. The door was open and it seemed to be blowing in James’ pine scent. Over the course of the weekend, she had noticed a shift in her and James’ dynamic. It was as though she saw a hint of respect in the way he regarded her now that hadn’t fully been there before. She also caught him smiling at her, the way he used to in 5th year, while she was by the fireplace. If you would have asked her if she remembered that sweet smile before she saw it again, she would have said no way; but she recognized it instantly with such heartfelt force that it was almost dizzying. It made her miss him — how he used to be.

Who knew all it took for a glimmer of hope that James could become halfway decent again was Lily putting him in his place.

She looked out over the Hogwarts gardens — it was so peaceful with the full moon reflecting idyllically over the Great Lake. _I should really learn how to swim,_ she thought. It may or may not have been related to the daydream of her sneaking off with James’ clothes after persuading him to skinny dip with her that was bouncing around her brain.

Lily snapped out of it with a clunking sound behind her, reminding her she had to finish up and go to bed. Only the dungeons and then she’d be done. She had just passed the Hufflepuff entrance and kitchens when she heard a high-pitched man’s voice behind her.

“If it isn’t the Mudblood bitch that broke Severus’ heart.”

All the hairs on Lily’s arms stood at attention as her wand hand stiffened. She turned to face Avery, Severus’ new best friend. “It’s past curfew, Avery. Run along now.”

Her fellow 6th year sneered. “Even if you weren’t an abomination, I don’t take orders from females.”

Lily hated when people used that word as a noun even when it wasn’t spat like that. “I don’t have time to listen to your mommy issues, Avery. This is your final warning.”

He looked over her unsettlingly for far too long of a beat. “Do you know she cried?” Avery took a step towards her. “Almost the entire time?”

Time stood still as Lily let out a tiny gasp; it had been almost exactly a year since Mary had been attacked. _No. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He wasn’t there. He couldn’t have been there — he’s goading you._

Her expression must have given away her thoughts. “Oh, you thought it was just Mulciber who had a turn? That’s cute.” He was still approaching her but Lily found herself unable to move as if he were a wild animal she was trying not to provoke.

_She would have told us. Mary would have said if there were more people to expel…_ She’d thought Mulciber maybe had other guys covering for him, not that— Lily squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out things she never wanted to think of again.

The predator continued. “Mulciber knew he was screwed since Dumbledore could trace the curse to his wand. He’s what you call a _team_ player—”

“Shut up!” Her wand was shaking in her grip.

Avery’s sinister smile showed his yellow teeth. “But we knew all we had to do was threaten that squib sister of hers and she’d keep her pretty little mouth shut about the rest of us.”

Lily felt her face contort as she raised her wand up to the rapist, only standing a few meters from her now. _Who else?! Which other Slytherin boys deserved to fucking be beat to a pulp?_

Avery was only more encouraged, knowing he was getting under her skin. The blood pounding in Lily’s ears seemed to be singing her name. “I’d never seen anything like it. Most people seem content under the Imperius. But not her. Maybe you should include that in your presentation.” Red sparks flew from her wand, stopping just shy of his black robes. He looked down at them and back up at her, grinning evilly. “Go ahead, Mudblood. I hear you’re powerful somehow, but I don’t believe it.”

Lily stared at him down the length of her wand, trying to calm her own breathing. _He’s not worth it, he’s not worth it, provoking you is what he clearly wants,_ she chanted to herself. She looked from his pointed chin, over his cold, dead eyes, to his sharp widow’s peak. He would get what was coming to him one day, but his blood would not be on _her_ hands.

“Why would I give a rat’s ass what you believe? You’re just a scared little boy who needs a clique to feel safe from people you don’t understand. I feel bad for you.” She pocketed her wand and turned on her heel, ready to march away. She heard an angry cry as wind ruffled by her side.

A deep voice roared, “ _Expelliarmus!_ ” followed by a terrible crunching sound.

Everything happened so fast that it was hard for Lily to get her bearings. When she turned around, she found the broad shoulders of James Potter, heaving in anger. Avery lay crumpled in a heap at the base of the wall opposite them, a little blood trickling down from his nose.

“What the…” she began, surveying the scene. It was a mark of how unnerved the events had made her that seeing James like this wasn’t clouding her judgment in the slightest.

James faced her, pissed. “You turned your back on him?”

“Where did you—?”

“He just all but told you he raped your—”

A slap echoed around the hall as Lily’s palm connected with his cheek. “Did you **follow** me?!”

James’ mouth gaped, clearly being thrown completely off-kilter. “Uh, that’s not what—”

“Are you fucking **_stalking_** me, Potter?!” Lily seethed, her eyes burning with the fire of a thousand suns.

“No!” James scrambled, quickly shifting to defense. “I just knew you’d be alone, and I—”

“What? Thought it would be the perfect opportunity to tag along under your damn cloak?” Lily was right in front of him now, shorter in stature but dwarfing him in pure fury.

“No, well, yes, but—”

“How fucking _dare_ you?”

James was so confused how he’d lost the argument so quickly. “Lily, I just saved you—”

“ **Saved me?** You _saved_ me, Potter?” James gulped. It had been the wrong thing to say. “Wow, should I send you a bloody fruit basket as thanks?” she jeered.

“Lily, I don’t get—”

“You don’t get most things, Potter!” Lily threw her hands in the air, screaming. It was like a year’s worth of steam had finally found its way to her mouth, ready to spew out all at once. “You’re not some white knight! You’re just some creep who _followed me_ around the castle without my knowledge, without my consent—”

A brief flicker of hope crossed James’ face. “Oh, is this a boundaries thing? We can make a new rule?”

Lily knew he was grasping at straws to try to appease her and bring her down from off this righteous rage cliff she was currently perched on — she recognized it from his face. She’d seen this scared look before at the start of 5th year when he’d take a joke too far and then do everything in his power to make it up to her. But this time was different, partially because she had a lot of latent anger at Avery that she was redirecting at James, but also because she had literally just caught him _stalking_ her.

“Yes, it’s a fucking boundaries thing, you nitwit, most girls don’t approve of men trailing behind them in invisibility cloaks!” She aggressively poked his chest.

“Lils, look, I’m _sorry,_ ” he tried grabbing the hand presently assaulting him, but she pulled it back. “I was just scared for you, and _I was right—_ ”

Lily snorted. He just couldn’t help himself could he? He had to throw that last bit in there. “Of course, how could I forget, _you_ always know what’s best for me—”

“I didn’t say that!” James said, becoming more and more flustered, pulling at his hair.

“You didn’t have to!” Lily left him to start pacing. “It’s perfectly clear in how you treat me! Actually, screw that, you have said it yourself! You **told** me you didn’t think I could take care of myself this summer!”

James huffed, watching her desperately. “This is different!”

“How?!” Lily bellowed, coming to a stop. “How is it different?”

“Because this is about someone _else_ trying to hurt you! I don’t know if you’ve realized, but there is a war going on—“

_Oh this condescending little asshole!_ “OF COURSE I’VE REALIZED!” If Lily had been standing closer to him, she may have hit him again.

“Then start fucking acting like it!” Lily’s temper was getting to him.

“No! Fuck you, you do not get to dictate how I live _my_ life.”

They remained glued to their spots, panting heavily and refusing to break eye contact. Lily watched as his gaze softened.

“Lily… I just,” he made to reach for her, but stopped himself halfway there, “I would never be able to forgive myself if anything happened to you.”

Oh, those words were so pretty, and Lily wanted to believe them — _so badly_ — but what if they were just that? Words. Words meant to beguile and distract her, lure her into thinking that what he’d just done was normal, noble even. Had he not just ‘saved’ her from some unknown terrible fate? Didn’t he do it because he _cared_ about her wellbeing? Did the ends justify the means?

_No. They don’t._ “This is not okay,” she said matching his intensity as she pointed to the Invisibility Cloak on the floor. “You can’t do that.”

“Okay.” He took this as his cue to close the distance between them. “I’m sorry.” The glow in his eyes showed he meant it.

She looked down to her wand, clenched tightly in her white knuckles. _Should I have hexed Avery myself?_ “You won’t always be there you know.”

“I can try.”

James’ whisper reverberated inside of her mind as he pushed a wisp of hair behind her ear. _Oh no… Holy shit._ His eyes grew wide in fear when she looked back up to him, scared of whatever she’d just pieced together. “James… is this the first time you’ve followed me without me knowing?”

His lips formed around words that refused to come to him.

Lily staggered back, disgust clearly etched on her face. “It’s not, is it?” She shook her head in disbelief.

“Lily—” He looked so pained.

“Don’t.” Lily put her hands up between them. She couldn’t even look at him right now. “I’m gonna need some space.”

James didn’t move, he knew she didn’t mean right now. “For how long?”

“I’m not sure. I’ll let you know,” she answered, every last emotion drained from her body.

She walked back to Gryffindor Tower. She was too far away to hear James’ strangled cry as he kicked over a suit of armor before running up and out of the Entrance Hall. She was too far away to see him morph into a stag, and canter off to the Whomping Willow, late for a night of helping out his best friend.


	15. Acts of Service

**_Sunday Night, November, 6th Year_ **

Lily Evans was pissed. She was mad as hell that at 16 years old, a boy would treat her as though she was a child. She refused to have her independence stripped away from her like that. _Fuck that._ She was her own woman and she didn’t need James, or anyone, to defend her. She’d been looking out for herself just fine over the past year, hadn’t she? She was a smart witch. If he was really worried about her, practice dueling with her! Show her more secret passageways to escape to. Hell, lend her the cloak to protect herself in… but **don’t** take away _her_ say in things. Don’t take away her right to _privacy._

At the same time, it was all so confusing. She knew what James had done was wrong and icky and gross — but she couldn’t find a fault in his intentions. He’d said he wanted to make sure she was okay, and that by itself seemed sweet. If only he’d found a healthy way to do it.

Lily stomped up to her dormitory, wishing she had someone to sort all this out with. Her gaze landed on Marlene, snuggled up beneath her blankets reading her latest book obsession. She felt like she couldn’t discuss the morality of sleeping with a bloke who clearly didn’t understand social decorum boundaries (but at least _did_ seem to understand the sexual ones) with _his cousin._

She settled on trying to be a good friend instead. “Hey Marlene, what’s happening now?” She pointed to the paperback.

Marlene’s face lit up. “Oh, it’s getting so juicy. Tabby’s at a real crossroads right now.”

“Oh yeah?” Lily plopped down on her bed.

“Yep. She has to choose between two guys.”

Lily released her hair from her tight ponytail. “What. Where’d the second lad come from?”

Marlene scrunched her nose. “Huh. Not sure, he just sort of popped up.”

Lily laughed. “Must be nice.”

Marlene giggled. “Right?”

☆☆☆

The next morning, Lily noticed Sirius looked way worse for wear at the breakfast table. She smirked as she sat down opposite him. “Did you start celebrating your birthday early or something?”

Sirius looked up at her surprised, reaching for the jam. “How’d you know it’s my birthday?”

_It’s a bloody hard date to forget._ “Here,” she rummaged through her bag and pulled out a vial with silver liquid, “this will help with those lacerations.” She nudged her head towards his arms.

Sirius looked at her and her proffered medicine skeptically. “I’m supposed to believe you just so happened to have the exact potion for what ails me on you? Just like that?”

“Relax Black, I’ve been brewing supplies for Pomfrey. If you don’t want it now, it will still be the same stuff she gives you when you go see her later.”

“Hm.” He shrugged, accepting the vial as though he saw her bluff but was being too manly not to go through with drinking it anyway. “All right, bottoms up.” He downed it and then looked around pensively, waiting to turn into a frog.

Lily grinned at his mistrust of her. “Happy birthday. Don’t say I never got you anything.”

Sirius looked down to his cuts, healing before his eyes, then back to her. “Thanks…” His eyes were still narrowed. Lily knew a small victory when she had one. “Hey, look,“ he continued uneasily, “the guys are going to be throwing me a little party tonight in the common room. You’re welcome to come…”

Lily smiled down to her eggs at his olive branch but knew she couldn’t accept it. She’d _just_ told James she needed space; going to a party he was hosting seemed pretty contradictory to that. “I’ll pretend like I don’t know about it and make sure you guys don’t get busted,” she offered.

Sirius threw her one of his dashing lady-killer smiles. Maybe one day they _could_ get along.

☆☆☆

“Lily, what’s wrong?” Adam asked her that night in the library. They’d just run through their presentation for the final time, but he couldn’t help but notice that she seemed completely absent.

Lily let out a deep sigh, vibrating her lips. She could tell him. “Honestly, a fucking lot happened last night.”

“Oh?” Adam settled in his chair, turning to her fully.

She tugged on a strand of her silky hair as she watched a spider adding its finishing touches to a web near the corner of a bookshelf. “Have you ever seen someone do something scary and it sorta shifts your whole opinion of them?”

Adam’s brows twitched. “Yes?”

“Sorry, it’s silly,” Lily dismissed herself.

“No, go on,” Adam encouraged. “What happened?”

“It’s dumb. I shouldn’t even have been surprised. My sister always told me I was a terrible judge of character.”

Adam smiled at her knowingly. “I thought we established that your sister’s opinions shouldn’t bother you?”

Lily rolled her eyes. She watched as a gnat buzzed excitedly before getting trapped in the web, flailing uselessly. “Yeah, I know, but on this, I worry that she may be right.”

Adam reached for her hand on the desk, giving it a squeeze. “Well, I’d rather hang with a girl who’s apparently a bad judge of character and treats everyone kindly than a good judge of character who’s a bitch to everyone anyway.” Lily snorted at his assessment. “Who’s got you this wound up?” he asked curiously.

The spider noticed the vibrations in its web. Lily had never seen a spider move so slowly before, crawling towards the fly as though relishing in its panicked struggle. It finally reached the gnat and put it out of its misery. She couldn’t believe she was relating to a fucking _gnat._

“Avery tried attacking me last night,” Lily admitted to part of what was on her mind.

“Avery?!” Adam cried out in an angry whisper.

Lily eyed him. “Are you really surprised?”

Adam shook his head. “Guess I shouldn’t be.” He turned back to her. “And you’re all right?”

“Yeah. He didn’t get to,” Lily swallowed uncomfortably, trying not to linger on who exactly had thwarted the attack, “but it was still fucked up.”

“Ugh.” Adam grimaced. “I’m sorry you have to deal with that type of shit.”

Lily shrugged, trying to play it off like it was no big deal. “Sadly, I’m sort of used to it at this point.”

A dark look crossed over Adam’s face. “It’s so messed up right now, you know? I can’t wait until we live in a society that’s just **better.** Where stuff like this doesn’t even need to be discussed because it’s just _obvious._ ”

Lily nodded. She couldn’t have said it better herself.

☆☆☆

**_July, Summer Before 6th Year_ **

Working at the bar that summer was a godsend. Lily had learnt that she dwelt less in her thoughts when she had something to do with her hands. She’d learnt how to mix and twirl bottles to keep herself and her regulars entertained.

She didn’t even really mind the provocative outfit her boss made her wear (even if she hated the reason he had her wear it). Ever since Lily had started getting curves, Petunia had made fun of her for them. Suddenly, her hips were ‘too wide,’ her legs ‘too thick,’ and her arse ‘too big’. Lily distinctly remembered how Petunia had lost it when her mother had embarrassingly mentioned Lily’s new bra size after a shopping trip and lunged at Lily’s breasts, squeezing them and claiming they couldn’t be bigger than hers. That’s when Lily knew her sister was truly and jealously deranged.

But Lily was determined to not let Petunia’s slights about her body get to her. She loved flaunting her figure by wearing short skirts and tight tops. It reminded her that _she_ loved her body (or at least was working her damn hardest to), even if no one else did. And, Lily reminded herself, _that_ was what was important.

Lily also never got bored at the bar. She would spend her time trying out new accents and personas on her non-regular customers. They’d normally get so drunk by the end of the night that it wouldn’t matter anyway if she’d slip up a few hours in. After all, here she was _Rose_. Rose was confident. Rose flirted with the patrons and told the too aggressive ones just where they could shove it. Rose made one mean martini (after all, bartending was a bit like Potions, mixing just the right amount of ingredients) and didn’t know a thing about magic other than the power of a woman’s laughter at a dumb man’s jokes. Rose made _great_ tips.

She got to act like a whole different person — and that person didn’t have her issues. That person wasn’t a friendless orphan. She could be anyone. She could be happy.

Instead of having to face her problems, Lily listened to everyone else’s. It was amazing how much people were willing to tell a pretty bartender.

But perhaps the biggest perk of her job was it kept her out of the house. She’d work all night into the wee hours, sleep until noon, and then make herself scarce until her shift the next day. Lily stayed out of her foster parents’ way, and that’s just how they seemed to like it. She appreciated that they didn’t even pretend to give a a flying fuck about her.

Then one rainy evening, her safe haven was compromised. Lily watched their entrance like it happened in slow motion. It was a quiet night before two wet teenagers burst in the door laughing rambunctiously. The shorter of the two shook his head to wick off the rain gathered in his hair as the taller one couldn’t stop guffawing, eliciting the dimple in his left cheek — the one she had loved so much.

Somehow, Sirius and James had just stumbled into her Muggle bar.

Lily wasn’t proud of it, but in a moment of panic, she ducked behind the counter. When she realized what she was doing, she at least had the decency to pretend to move around some bottles down there; but realistically, just how long could this move take? She hoped they were only waiting by the door until the rain stopped and then would scurry quickly back to the magical world, leaving her in peace.

But when had Lily ever been lucky?

“Are some Muggle places serve yourself or something?” She heard Sirius’ drawl. _Of course_ they were sitting at the bar.

Lily popped up, she wasn’t going to hide all night after all, making Sirius nearly fall backwards off of his stool in shock. “What can I get you guys?”

James stared at her open-mouthed, as though an elusive unicorn had just appeared before him.

“All right boys, close your mouths and act like you’ve at least _seen_ a woman before,” Cynthia laughed as she came from the backroom. Sirius redirected his attention to Lily’s coworker as she walked by to get the orders of some patrons in the corner of the pub.

“So?”

“Do you _work_ here?” Sirius asked incredulously.

“No, I just put on this outfit and stand here for the hell of it.” These words seemed to jumpstart something in James’ brain and his eyes traveled down to her booty shorts. She guessed he’d never seen her in something quite _this_ scanty before.

“ _Why?_ ”

Lily tightened her hair bun frustratedly. “ _Well,_ Black, _normal_ people need to make money for a living.”

“Yeah, but we’re 16,” he pointed out like it changed things.

Lily leaned in, jittering with nervous energy. “Shut up, don’t announce how old—”

James was still mute.

“These lads giving you any trouble, Rose?” Cynthia came back behind the bar.

“Ro—?”

“No, I know them,” Lily replied with a forced smile. “We go to the same university.”

Sirius’ face was comically confused, but luckily Cynthia didn’t notice. “Oh, I didn’t know you were in school. What do you study?”

“Medicine,” Lily improvised.

“Wow, good on you,” Cynthia said as she finished pouring a new batch of drinks and loaded them onto a tray.

Sirius watched her go serve them. “What is university and am I good at it?”

Lily ignored him and powered through with her angry whispers. “What are you guys doing here?!”

“Hey now, that’s not how you should treat your customers…” Sirius said in a carrying tone, looking around for her boss. “Merlin, it be nice to get **you** in trouble for a change.”

“Don’t.” James had finally found his voice.

Sirius’ mouth twitched, but he kept it down. “So _Rose,_ can we at least get a drink, then? You are actually a bartender, right?”

_Ugh._ It would be insufferable having to serve these two. She really hoped they wouldn’t remind her of this little scenario every second they got (as well as tell all their classmates) for the next two years. “Yes, I am,” she put on her best customer service cadence. “What would you like?”

Sirius looked bored. “Surprise me.”

Lily looked over to James who was ruffling his hair. “Make mine a double.”

She rolled her eyes, pulled out two shot glasses, and gave each a hefty pour of tequila. If it was good enough for Sirius’ birthday, it was good enough for a random Thursday.

“Ta,” Sirius said, downing the drink instantly.

Lily did a quick visual sweep of the bar, ensuring everyone else had been cared for. “So. Seriously. How did you two end up here?”

Sirius shrugged as James grimaced; she hadn’t given them a lemon slice. _Whoops._ “Ask Prongs. He’s made it his own personal mission to bar crawl to _every_ pub in London.”

The alcohol had hit his cheeks fast; they were flushed. “What? Summer’s the only time we can reliably get Muggle alcohol. Turns out Muggles do actually do some things better.”

_What a completely pompous thing to say._

Sirius clinked his empty glass against James’ before motioning for Lily to refill them. She rolled her eyes as she uncorked the tequila. “Like snogging apparently. That blonde you had last week—” Sirius turned to James.

“I was—”

“I really don’t need to hear this,” Lily cut them both off, topping off their shot glasses. _Maybe if I over-pour, they’ll get so drunk they’ll pass the fuck out and shut up._ She really couldn’t believe that in all the pubs in London, they had to come barge into hers… and make her hear about James’ most recent conquests. _Maybe I’ll invest in some great earplugs. Or just severe my ears clean off._

“Don’t be salty, Evans.” Sirius smirked. “Dressed like that, I’m sure you’re getting loads of action yourself.”

She gave him a false smile and sauntered off to a couple who had just seated themselves at the other end of the counter.

Sirius and James left shortly after Cynthia tried and failed to persuade Lily to perform for their open mic night since no one else was volunteering (“Come on, Rose! I’ve heard you sing when you think you’re alone in the backroom!”) After they did, Lily felt like she must have dreamt up their visit. Her Hogwarts life had become such a different entity in her mind that it was hard for her to reconcile it with her day-to-day life now.

Remus continued to write her a couple days later — Death Eater activity was apparently on the rise and it terrified him. Lily confessed in return how hard it was living with her foster parents and how she was trying to do her best to save up for school supplies, but it had grown more difficult since they’d started charging her for rent and she was already buying her own food (and soon Petunia’s when they realized just how many hours she was working). ‘Guess it’s good practice for the real world,’ she signed her letter off with to keep the boy from worrying about her too much. She wanted to be honest — but not pathetically so.

Meanwhile, James started coming in once a week to basically remind her how the other half lived. Sirius mostly wasn’t with him, so he’d just sit in the back corner of the pub and read Quidditch books, seemingly writing down different plays and strategies. _Must be nice to not have a care in the world_. Lily had to reprimand him a couple times when one of her other customers said they must be completely wasted because pictures were starting to _move._

James wouldn’t even bother converting his Gallons into pounds, so she’d always have to pay for his drinks from **her** paycheck. The inconvenience, and irritation that resulted from Gus’ frequent lectures when he caught her paying for him, made her eventually stop telling James his conversion rate was _way_ off. He was giving her about ten times the amount of the simple (yet so strange) coconut beer he’d always get. He was the only patron who’d ever order it — and Lily sheepishly asked to keep it on tap when Gus considered replacing it. She figured James really was a peculiar bloke… and this was probably the only place he could find that beer.

She hated to admit it, but it _was_ nice to see him, even if from afar for a few hours. It reminded her of home. She guessed he’d conditioned her that way by how annoying he’d gotten at the end of the school year by redoubling his efforts to ask her out. _At least he’s giving that a rest in the summer…_

“So, is Black really _that_ annoying that you keep needing breaks from him?” she asked as she wiped down his table, closing up for the night.

He looked down at his watch. “Oh wow, it’s already that late?”

Lily sighed taking his empty pint glass. She guessed time flew when you were getting hit on by attractive women all evening. _He didn’t even have to do anything,_ she silently fumed. _They just approached him and flirted their little hearts out. He has it_ ** _so easy._** She begrudgingly remembered when she’d been one of those girls. “Yep.”

James shrugged on his expensive-looking grey peacoat. She’d never seen it before; he must have gotten it this summer. “Halfway decent service as always, Evans,” he said, fixing his collar.

Lily scoffed, finishing cleaning up the bar. “I’ll make sure to add that to my resume.”

“Why don’t you use your wand now? There’s no one else here.”

She stiffened, realizing he was right. Suddenly the air just felt different.

Since her shorts weren’t even long enough to house her wand, she’d started wearing it in her hair to keep up her topknot. Most days she forgot it was even there. She gave him a look like he was an idiot. “It’s for emergencies only, Potter. We’re still underage, remember?”

James’ eyes widened at her. “Seriously?! You follow that rule?”

Lily’s scrub stopped midway. “It’s not a _rule,_ it’s a law. Don’t you want to be an Auror?”

“Aw, you remembered,” he smirked at her.

Lily grumbled, looking back down so he couldn’t see her blush, “Hard to forget when you announced to Slughorn it was the only reason you were taking his class next year.”

“I can’t be **all** their favorites. Figured I’d let you have the one.” If Lily rolled her eyes any harder, she was afraid they’d get permanently stuck. “But quit distracting me, you _actually_ haven’t done magic this whole summer?” he questioned in disbelief.

“Yeah, Potter. Ever since I got a letter from the Improper Use of Magic Office summer after 3rd year when I accidentally blew up my sister—”

“Hold on, blew up?!”

“Okay, just lightly inflated—”

“Wicked,” James grinned.

“It was an _accident,_ anyway, I got a very scary, very official letter. So I know: it’s illegal,” Lily finished confidently.

“Okay, but that was before you moved, yeah?”

“Yes…”

“So…” James was waiting for her to connect the dots. “You lived in the middle of nowhere. When you did magic, they knew it was you. You’re in London now. There’s no way they’ll catch you. Live a little, Evans.” How did he have the ability to make anything and everything sound so damn enticing?

Lily narrowed her eyes at him. She wouldn’t put it past him to try to get her expelled from Hogwarts so she’d have to work at this bar and fetch him beers forever. “Prove it.”

James rolled his eyes but pulled out his wand, performing a silent spell. Next thing she knew, her halter top string had come undone at her neck and she had to rush to grab the ends before they fell and exposed her. “Fucking hell, Potter!” she cried, turning around and retying her top.

“I’d say sorry, but…”

“Yeah, you’re not,” she carped. She was waiting for the inevitable crash of an owl coming through the window to tell James he was going to be reprimanded, but it never came. “I can’t believe—” she turned around, but he was no longer there. “Potter?” She hadn’t even heard him leave. “Typical,” she huffed to herself.

She cast one last furtive look around as she pulled her wand out of her hair. She performed a few cleaning spells on the glassware with a rebellious little smile. To her pleasant surprise, no one smote her where she stood.

She locked up and nearly frolicked home (she was a witch again!) — at least until she turned onto her street. _Please let them be passed out already, please let them be passed out…_

☆☆☆

Lily’s luck started changing in August. Firstly, she’d received a letter from McGonagall saying that as a special thank you for their service to the school, Hogwarts was paying for the prefects’ school supplies this year. They would be owled to her by the end of the month. Secondly, a super bubbly man in the most pressed khakis and brightest white shirt she’d ever seen came to their door one day and refused to ‘bugger off,’ even after repeatedly being told to do so by a very irate Mag and Rick. Apparently, her foster parents had drunkenly entered a sweepstakes and won the grand prize of an all-expenses paid month-long cruise to the Caribbean. As soon as the pair had heard alcohol was included, Lily didn’t think she’d ever seen two humans pack so fast.

Petunia celebrated their absence by kicking Lily out of her room, but after Lily had washed (and disinfected) the master bedroom several times, it really wasn’t the worst trade.

By week two, Petunia was staying in the apartment a little more and even offhandedly thanked Lily for buying groceries. Lily secretly cherished what would probably be her last month of living with her psycho sister. By the end of the month, she’d actually agreed to accompany Lily to go buy some cute new clothes together. (She ended up making fun of every outfit Lily chose, but that’s how Lily knew they were good ones.)


	16. Padfoot’s Pain

**_Next Day, November, 6th Year_ **

Lily walked with Marlene and Remus to Defense Against the Dark Arts class on Tuesday. “Oh, you guys didn’t tell me how Black’s party went.”

Her two friends shared a laugh. “Let’s just say his presentation with James should be pretty interesting… they got kinda trashed last night,” Remus said.

“Huh. And here I thought they always belted Christmas carols at the start of November,” Marlene joked. “James wouldn’t stop getting emotional, spewing that it was nearly ‘antler season,’ whatever the hell that means.”

“You guys ready for your presentation?” Lily asked, not wanting to linger too long on the topic of cute things James Potter did when she wasn’t around.

“Oh yeah, I feel like we got the easiest one,” Remus answered. “You?”

“Eh. We’ll see. Adam and I definitely practiced it enough though.”

Marlene and Remus had been right. James and Sirius struggled through most of their lesson on Dementors, but they did so _so_ charmingly, she doubted any points would be deducted.

“In conclusion, the best thing to do when you see a Dementor is be a miserable person already. Remember, they can’t suck away your happiness if you have none!” Sirius chirped. They sat down to giggles and claps.

“Thank you Mr Potter and Black. Now,” Stone looked down to her parchment. “Mr Paxton and Evans with their lecture on the Imperius Curse.”

Adam gave her a ‘here-we-go’ look as they walked to the front of the class. It started well enough, with Lily only stuttering through a few parts when she made the mistake of catching Sirius’ eyes. This topic, on _this_ date, with everything he’d said to her about Mary’s attack being her fault afterwards brought back too much pain. Luckily, Adam helped smooth over any uncomfortable hiccups, covering for her seamlessly. She smiled at him gratefully.

Mercifully, the presentation ended and Lily was so fucking ready to sit down and zone out for the rest of class.

“One moment, please,” Stone said, rising from her chair. “I think you two forgot the demonstrative portion of your presentation.”

Lily and Adam eyed each other panicked. His bright icy eyes said the same thing she was feeling: _what the fuck?_ “Well, Professor, we figured since it’s an Unforgivable Curse, demonstrating it would, you know, be _unforgivable.”_ Lily realized just a little too late that her nerves had made her sound extra snarky.

Stone’s lip curled. “I wish you would have come to me with your predicament sooner, like Mr Pettigrew did for his group.” She nodded to Peter who blushed a deep red at being spoken of favorably by a teacher for once. “I could have told you under chapter 10, line 23 of the Unforgivable Curse Legality Claus, the Ministry allows the use of the Unforgivables for academic purposes.”

_That sounds so made up. It has to be, or at least archaic. And if not, I repeat… what the fuck?!_ She watched the older woman dubiously. It had been well established that Stone did not enjoy having Lily in her class, but this? It felt oddly personal. _I’ve literally never done this woman wrong._

“Mr Paxton, you can have a seat.”

Without thinking, Lily turned to James sitting next to Sirius in the second row. He cared about whether she lived or died, right? _Am I wrong to be this worried?_ Off of his concerned expression she gleaned: no, she was not wrong. _Shit._

“Now, Miss Evans will help me showcase the power of the Imperius Curse.”

“No!” Lily laughed the most uncomfortable laugh of her life, “No thank you, Professor, I’m just gonna—” She tried to rush back to her seat.

“ _Imperio._ ”

_Why is everyone looking at me like that? Is something wrong?_ Lily thought as her body became weightless. _Why does James look so worried? He shouldn’t be worried, everything’s okay. It’s such a nice day out…_

“Stay,” a cold, feminine voice echoed in her skull.

_Okay. Standing here is fine._

“Good girl, now twirl,” the foreign voice cooed, commanding Lily’s body in a tight circle.

_Why are we dancing anyway? I haven’t danced in forever…_ She saw the faces of her classmates blur as she completed perfect pirouette after perfect pirouette.

“As you can see, victims of the Imperius Curse can also perform tricks and skills that they normally wouldn’t be able to accomplish otherwise.” Lily dropped into a perfect split, **_FUCK_** _,_ her mind screamed as a snapping sensation spread through her inner thighs, stabbing and burning her blindingly. “This is something Miss Evans here forgot to teach in her presentation.”

_Hey, my presentation was flawless_ , Lily thought lazily through the searing torture still consuming her legs. They kept dancing regardless.

“Plié, now. Give us a nice plié,” the voice in her head demanded.

Suddenly Lily realized she was putting her full weight on her toes, and that bloody _hurt_ too. “ _Stop_ ,” she rasped quietly aloud.

“Plié, _now_ ,” the angry voice yelled, and Lily felt her body acquiescing.

She heard muted shouting, but the words weren’t processing. Stone had called her a victim. _I’m not a fucking victim._ Lily felt her head lolling, trying to physically break free from this elegant dance she was performing. _Mary wasn’t a fucking victim either. My best friend is a_ _survivor_ _._ Her eyes locked with wide silver ones and in them she saw her own inflamed agony reflected right back at her. Silent tears were escaping her eyes.

A moment later, the haze enshrouding Lily’s mind completely cleared and her legs gave out beneath her, the pain nearly unbearable. She saw Sirius standing up next to a distraught James, his wand pointed directly at Stone, who was now clutching her arm.

Sirius had hexed their teacher to make her stop.

“What the fuck is **wrong** with you?” the teen bellowed at Stone. It was the first time Lily had seen the true terror that Sirius could have turned into had his loyalties been tied differently.

“Mr Black, don’t—” Stone said frantically, trying to project authority while nursing her dead arm.

Sirius walked over to Lily crumpled on the floor, pulling her up and flinging one of her arms over his shoulders so he could help support her weight on the way out of the door. “No, _fuck_ _you,_ ” he called, not bothering to turn around.

The class muttered excitedly as Stone looked positively affronted. “Detention! For a week!”

“Can’t wait,” Sirius yelled before he slammed the door behind him as he hobbled them out.

☆☆☆

Sirius brought Lily to the hospital wing where the healer fussed extensively over her protégé’s various leg and toe injuries, starting with a quick numbing spell.

“Using an Unforgivable on a _student…_ never in all my years of training have I ever seen…” she muttered under her breath as she worked.

Pomfrey tried to get Sirius to leave, but he’d pulled up a chair and wouldn’t budge from Lily’s side. They didn’t say a word, but Lily more than appreciated his guard-dog like presence.

After Pomfrey had given Lily a sleeping potion to facilitate her healing, she could have sworn she heard Sirius talking to someone, but when she cracked open her eyelids, they were still alone. The last thing she noticed before being pulled back under was something shiny in his hands.

Lily woke with a fright several hours later from a terrible dream involving costumed monkeys banging symbols on repeat. Sirius stirred with a gasp from his chair. It was now dark out.

“S’matter?” he slurred.

Lily caught her breath, sitting bolt upright. “Nothing. Just a nightmare.”

He grunted, satisfied with her answer.

“Black—” The name felt wrong coming from her mouth as soon as she’d said it, not conveying any of the gratitude or affinity she currently felt for this man. Without having said a word in that classroom, their relationship had changed irrevocably. It was as though, in that moment, they’d both come to an understanding that they’d been dealing with the same affliction, the same **guilt** over what had happened to Mary, and that the other was not the enemy. Bitches who used the Imperius Curse were the enemy. “ _Sirius,_ ” she tested his name out on her tongue, “you don’t have to stay with me.”

“Bollocks. Don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s a madwoman on the loose,” he said darkly.

Lily snorted.

“This isn’t for your benefit, either. Figure I should stick with the person with the biggest temper.”

She smiled at him. She knew he was trying to cheer them both up. “Thank you. For stopping her.”

Sirius ran his fingers through his hair. She wondered if he’d picked up the nervous tic from James or the other way around. “I have no idea what she was thinking.”

Lily looked down to her lap; the tendons there were still so tender. “I couldn’t stop thinking about Mary,” she confessed.

He swallowed roughly. “Yeah. Me too.” He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, by the way. For all—”

“You don’t have to—”

“Shut it, Evans. Let me say this.” She shot him a look but let him carry on. “I’m sorry I took it out on you. I was so fucking pissed.” He looked around the room aimlessly, trying to find the right words. “I just wanted to blame someone. By the time I found out what had happened, Mulciber was already gone, and I knew you got to punch him and—” He looked down to his winter-cracked knuckles. “I just blamed you. I mean, I could have gone after her when she left the common room, I watched her go… but I didn’t.” He was fiddling with a chunky ring on his finger. ‘It was easier to blame you.”

Lily looked at him sadly. She understood. How many times had she wished there was someone else _she_ could have blamed for that night? “I get it. You miss her too.”

Sirius crossed his ankles, readjusting. “I’m just the idiot who never even worked up the nerve to ask her out. _You_ were her best friend.”

The loud tick-tock of the wall clock reverberated throughout the room.

“You know,” Lily laughed, “I was _sure_ I was going to punch you one day.”

Sirius threw her a dashing smile. “Hey, you’ve still got time. I’d say your odds of landing it just went up. Succumbing to friendly fire is way less embarrassing than to my enemies.”

Lily let out a small titter. A lingering question pushed itself to the forefront of her mind. She figured if she didn’t ask it now, when they were both experiencing this weird sort of kinship, perhaps she’d never get an answer. “Can I ask you something?” Sirius shrugged in a very ‘if-you-must’ way. “Why did you start hating me? Like before 5th year?”

Sirius let out a low whistle, crossing his arms. He was fully reclined in his chair now. “I…” he struggled, “was going through a lot of family shit.” Lily nodded, she knew that much. “And— fuck, this is gonna sound so childish.” He fluffed his hair anxiously. “But the first truly reliable person in my life, ever, was Prongs. You can't find a more loyal and just, _awesome_ friend than him.” Lily couldn’t really agree on the loyalty aspect, but she held her tongue. “As soon as I met him, I just knew, _this_ is what family is supposed to feel like. It was the first time I knew someone would always have my back. But then,” his eyes darted quickly to her and back, full of shame, “his focus shifted a bit. To you obviously.” Lily bit her lip, taking in his story, enthralled. “And yeah, I saw his priorities change and it spooked me. I mean, I’d just felt like I’d lost a brother, and I freaked out thinking I was about to lose a second one.” He let out a ragged breath. “I know it makes me a selfish git, but I didn’t want him going out with you.” It looked like a weight Sirius had been lugging around on his back for years had _finally_ been lifted.

_Was_ ** _this_** _why James had bailed after our first date? Peer fucking pressure?_ She knew that he and Sirius were closer than blood, but still, it felt so insulting. Plus, it played right into her insecurity that James would _always_ pick Sirius over her. As it turned out, he’d already done just that.

“By the time I realized I’d fucked up, and that he was _miserable,_ it was already too late. That whole Muggle-shagging thing really fucked him up. He felt inadequate or something stupid.”

Lily sighed. _Such a dumb, dumb lie_. “And you didn’t mind him dating Brianna?”

Sirius scoffed. “I never had to worry I’d _lose him_ to Brianna. She was never a real threat. Not like you were.”

_Huh. Had Sirius and I really had the same fears over each other all along? Did our whole animosity really come down to both of us so badly wanting to be James’ number one?_ “Well, he couldn’t have liked me that much if you were able to talk him out of it.” She settled back down onto her pillows, drawing her blanket up to her chin, protectively. Lily couldn’t believe that James had been right: she _was_ a lot like Sirius. She guessed it made a bit of sense that James seemed to gravitate towards the two of them. They were both stubborn loyal to a fault, sarcastic, and abandoned by parents in a way that fucked them up real good. It seemed while Lily had shut down and turned inward, Sirius had turned his pain into rage and torment. One thing was for sure — they were both wholly obsessed with James Potter (even if only one of them had accepted this fact).

Sirius grimaced. “I didn’t exactly play fair.” Lily turned her head to look at him. “I know his biggest fear,” he confessed.

“Okay…” Lily said confused. “I saw his Boggart too, but it doesn’t have anything to do with me.”

“Forget it. It’s not my place.” He looked so utterly ashamed with himself that Lily knew she couldn’t pry. “Just know I fucked up, and I’m sorry. I don’t think you should be as hard on the kid as you are.” Lily scoffed: she’d get to decide just how hard to be with him, thank you very much. “I may not have been as callous as I was with Snape, but, still — I was being an arse just because I could.”

“What did you do to Snape?”

Sirius’ eyes nearly bulged out of his head. “He didn’t tell you?”

“No. We stopped being friends after my date with James.”

“Oh.” Sirius nodded his head solemnly. “Well fuck. Forget I said anything then.”

Lily was so exhausted, still feeling the lingering effects of the potion Pomfrey had given her, that she fell asleep shortly after.

☆☆☆

Sirius only ended up leaving the hospital wing when McGonagall came later in the evening, looking more incensed than Lily had ever seen her. (Lily figured McGonagall was one of the few people on this planet who Sirius would take orders from.) She informed Lily that Professor Stone had been given her most stringent talking to that she’d ever given to a fellow teacher — and this type of behavior would absolutely not be tolerated. It was Stone’s first and final warning. She also gave Lily her reassurance that Sirius would not be reprimanded for standing up for her after Lily shyly brought it up. “I may have already taken the liberty of awarding him some House points,” McGonagall admitted almost guiltily. Lily had the sneaking suspicion her Head of House had never given points to a student for cussing out a teacher before.

Lily heard McGonagall muttering under her breath about ‘that damn ruddy teacher curse,’ on her way out the door.

Because of Pomfrey’s insistence that she stay longer for observation and bedrest, Lily was still in the hospital the morning after being _Imperio_ ed. Marlene, Peter, and Remus visited her before breakfast and recounted the total chaos that had erupted after her departure from class the day before. It sounded as though Stone had almost been chased out of her own classroom with pitchforks (except for by the Slytherins who had enjoyed her presentation very much).

Adam came into the hospital as they were leaving, looking cutely bashful when he passed the group. Lily ignored Marlene’s pointed look over his shoulder at her as he approached her bedside.

“Look who’s Miss Popular now, huh?” he beamed at her.

“Not to brag, but I do have more visitors than all the other invalids combined.” She motioned towards the empty space. Whoever had been hexing up a storm throughout the castle had clearly found another hobby.

His smile diminished a bit. “Are you feeling better?”

Lily stretched her sore legs out. “Yeah, it doesn’t hurt too much anymore.” She wiggled her toes beneath the blanket. “Not to go into too many gory details, but some things definitely snapped yesterday.”

His grossed out face was hilarious. “You’re such a badass. I would have screamed my bloody head off.”

Lily was happy for Adam’s distraction. It kept her from noticing James wasn’t coming to check in on her — if only for a little while.


	17. Fighting It

**_Later, November, 6th Year_ **

Pomfrey finally released Lily in time for lunch Wednesday, which was lucky considering she was actually starving. She sat down in the Great Hall to find the Marauders mercilessly teasing Marlene for still taking Divination.

“You laugh, but Professor Harris is actually a celebrated Seer.”

“Yeah okay.” Sirius rolled his eyes.

“I’m serious!” Marlene insisted. “A bunch of her prophecies are kept in the Ministry.”

Remus stepped in. “Excuse our skepticism, but we stopped taking that class last year for a reason.”

“And what reason was that?” Lily asked curiously. She had never taken the class because Professor Harris had always looked at her like she was a Banshee reincarnate in the halls. It wasn’t as bad as being outwardly despised like with Stone, but Lily wasn’t particularly keen to be taught by a teacher who seemed frightened by her mere presence.

“Because she was obsessed with our potential offspring, that’s why,” Sirius grumbled.

“Really?” Lily’s nose scrunched. “That’s a touch creepy.”

“They’re exaggerating,” Marlene said, tapping Lily’s forearm.

“Am not! She point-blank told Prongs here he’d be a shit dad!”

Lily’s eyes flickered to James. He’d looked uncomfortable as soon as she’d sat down, but now he was looking a little angry.

“Not quite,” Remus told Lily. “She told Sirius that he would be more of a father to James’ son than he would be, and then that _that_ son would be more of a father to _my_ son than I would be… it was all really insulting and kind of bizarre.”

“And it doesn’t even make any chronological sense, like what is the time frame in all of this?” Sirius chipped in, staring at the ceiling and using his finger to try to draw a complicated family tree in the air.

“Yeah, it was a load of bull,” Remus agreed. “I know I’m never having kids.”

“And you guys know I’m probably going to sire at least a handful of my own.” He gave Remus a shoulder clap. “I’d be disappointed with my 20s if I didn’t.”

But Lily had tuned out by the time Peter piped up about how she’d entirely excluded him in the prediction. James had gotten up in the middle of the conversation and walked out of the hall.

☆☆☆

“Are you okay?” Her words broke the peaceful silence on the edge of the Great Lake. Kettleburn’s lesson was out here today and she’d found James hanging out early, staring over the eerily calm water, lost in thought.

He jerked his head to face her but didn’t answer, only watched her step closer apprehensively.

“Potter?” She drew her cloak around her more tightly and then crammed her hands under her armpits.

James absentmindedly conjured a blue flame to float between them, warming up Lily’s extremities immediately. “Yeah?”

“Are you okay? You seem sad,” Lily repeated.

James’ face crinkled with bewilderment before he turned back to his lakeside vigil. “What are you doing?” he asked somewhat accusingly.

Lily stared at his stiff shoulders. “What do you mean?”

“Last time you talked to me, you screamed I was a stalker and that you needed space.” She could tell he was trying his hardest to keep his tone as flat as possible. “So I’m a little confused why you’re talking to me right now.” His little blue flame flickered wildly between them.

“Well.” Lily took a tentative step forward so they were shoulder to shoulder; the flame followed her. “Not sure if you noticed, but some stuff happened since then.” He snorted mirthlessly. “And I could use your help.”

From the corner of her eye, she saw James’ brows crease before he let out a long sigh. He looked so defeated. “Are you even healed yet?”

“What?”

“What are you talking about?”

“What are _you_ talking about?” Lily pressed.

“Fuck, I don’t even know anymore,” James whispered dragging both his hands through his hair. “What do you need help with?”

“I need you to _Imperio_ me.”

“ _What?!_ ” James yelled, spinning to face her. Lily remained resolutely facing forward. “You’re **joking.** ”

“No. I’m not.”

“Lily, you just—”

“Found out what it’s like to be completely at someone else’s mercy? Know what it’s like to be someone’s puppet?” James stood frozen, hypnotized by the flame reflected in Lily’s blazing eyes. It fit there, as though it was originating from her. “I don’t ever want to be that vulnerable again, James. I need to learn how to fight it. I researched the curse, remember? I know how to in theory, I just need the practice.”

James studied her face. “Why me?”

“Well, you’re always telling me I need to take better care of myself.” She watched some of the fish fighting for food just under the surface of the water. “You’re powerful enough. And I know you would never hurt me. Physically at least.” James looked like he’d stopped breathing. “Plus, you’re the only person I know who’s **_this_ **okay with breaking the law.”

James let out a quick chuckle and Lily shot him a sly smile. It was true, she needed _him_ : her friendship with Sirius was far too fresh, Marlene and Remus would both try to talk her out of doing something so drastic, and she could never in a million years imagine Adam hurting a fly, let alone _Imperio_ ing one.

“So, what do you say?” She hoped so badly he’d say yes.

He ruffled his hair, looking down to the frosty ground. “I don’t know, Lily. It be weird.”

She faced him. “It would be.”

“You sure you want to do this? This isn’t some sort of test that I’m failing?”

_What?? “_ No. I _need_ to do this. I don’t feel safe right now. _”_

Something in James’ eyes changed at those words and he lifted his chin. “Okay. I’ll help you practice. We can find a good place later. And you’ve got to tell me exactly what you want me to make you do beforehand.”

Before she knew it, Lily had perched up onto her slightly sensitive tippy toes and flung her arms around James’ neck, squeezing him tightly against her. “ _Thank you._ ” His reluctant, awkward pats on her back made her snap out of it and pull back embarrassed by her spontaneous bout of affection.

“Yeah, sure.” James was watching the rest of their classmates approach from the castle. “And for the record,” he banished his little, hot flame, “I would _never_ abandon my family.”

It wasn’t until two minutes into class that it struck her that he was referring to Professor Harris’ prophecy. It must have really struck a nerve if the thought of it was still weighing on him so heavily. _Why’d he feel the need to tell_ ** _me?_**

☆☆☆

After class, James and Lily went to a deserted classroom on the 4th floor. Lily tried not to think about how they’d used the space for completely different purposes the last time they’d snuck off here. If she recalled correctly, it was the time he’d gotten so into it that he’d ripped her fragile lace panties clean off of her.

James locked the door and turned to find her patiently waiting for him. “You figure out what you want me to command you to do?”

She nodded her head. She’d changed into jeans after a long day of wearing itchy stockings and a sky blue jumper. “I was thinking something simple like ‘walk towards me’ or something.”

“That’ll work,” James said uneasily. “So you’ll just…”

Lily backed up to the windows. “Yeah, I’ll start here.”

“Cool, cool.” She looked at him expectantly. “Now?” He was scared for her answer.

She awkwardly patted the sides of her thighs. “Whenever you’re ready.”

He lifted his wand up to her, made a face, then lowered it. “This feels weird.”

“What? You haven’t even done anything yet!”

“Yeah, but,” he messed up his hair, “I don’t think I’ve ever hexed a girl before.”

Lily laughed. “That’s so patently false. You turned me into a kitten two months ago—”

“That was for class—”

“And you hexed my shirt near off this summer—“

“Okay, but I hexed your _shirt_ , not you—”

“You turned my hair blue once.”

James gulped. “Okay, I was 12. And you pulled it off against all odds.”

“Whatever, point is: don’t give me that shit.” She squared her shoulders. “I’m ready.” She looked him dead in the eye and he took a deep breath.

“ _Imperio,”_ he whispered.

It felt different this time. Lily felt oddly more present despite the telltale airiness — like she’d had two shots instead of eight and was on the verge of passing out.

“Come,” James’ deep voice suggested from within her brain.

Lily shook her head and cleared her mind easily. “Potter!” His eyes widened in disbelief. “You have to **mean** it, or it won’t work!” His face fell. _Had he thought I’d mastered it already? Ha!_

“Lily…” he near whined.

“James, I’m not weak. Don’t treat me like I am.” She ran a hand through her red hair. “You know, one of the things I appreciate about you is that you didn’t treat me any differently after my parents died: you treated me like shit before and you treated me like shit after.”

He snorted. “And to think that sentence started off so promisingly.”

“James,” she said seriously to get him to look back at her, “Avery’s out there. Death Eaters are out there, fuck, they’re **here** , and I need to be able to defend myself. _Please._ You said you’d feel like shit if something were to happen to me.” James flinched, tilting his head as if he was about to deny it, but she’d heard him say it. “So please: just help me.”

That did the trick. This time when James cursed her, the voice in her head boomed, and she felt powerless to resist his call. She ended up at his chest, looking up adoringly into his gorgeous eyes before he broke the spell.

“Ugh, **fuck!** Again,” Lily cried as she stomped back to the other side of the room, royally peeved. She missed James blinking really fast while polishing his glasses on his jumper in a bit of a daze.

It took them three solid practice sessions before Lily felt like she was progressing satisfactorily. It started with a lot of snarky comments while she walked towards him, as if she could sass his compulsion away. Unfortunately for her, he was her verbal sparring equal, so his voice in her head would sass her right back. Then she’d started stumbling in her steps, fighting approaching him so much that she landed on her knees instead. Not for the first time, Lily wondered if she’d be having more success if she weren’t being asked to do something she kind of wanted to be doing anyway. On the third day, she finally broke the curse.

“Come.”

Lily smirked. “Fuck you.” She remained perfectly still. James’ lips went lopsided as Lily gasped and looked down at her immobile feet. “Yes!” Lily jumped up in the air. “I did it, I did it, I did it!” she cheered, euphorically bouncing.

Then she noticed that damn dimple.

“Fuck yes.” He came to her, smiling proudly as he picked her up and spun her around. _He looks so charming it’s alarming… disarming? Why the hell am I thinking in rhymes?_ Lily laughed, wondering if too much Imperius addled your brains… or if this was all just James’ magic.

“Thank you, Potter,” she said sincerely, trying to calm down from her cheerful outburst as he set her back down on her feet. She figured if she could resist James’ voice, she could probably resist literally anyone’s.

“No problem.” He reached for her left hand and pointed the wand in it to his chest. “My turn.”

Lily leaned back. “What?”

“Come on, it’s only fair. Don’t make me emotionally blackmail you like you did.”

Lily’s jaw dropped. “I did no such thing.”

“Yeah, you totally did!” James still hadn’t let go of her hand. “You kidding? You all but said that anything that happened to you would be _directly_ my fault if I didn’t help you.”

Lily pushed him away. “You’re so dramatic.”

James smirked at her. “I can be whatever you want once you _Imperio_ me.”

Lily glared at him and poked his chest with her wand. “No! Also, why the hell would you want **me** doing this? I said I knew _you_ didn’t want to cause me bodily harm, I never said it was reciprocal.”

He was still giving her that fucking smile. “I trust you.”

Lily scoffed. “Well, there’s your first mistake.”

James yanked Lily into him by the waist and leaned into her ear. “There’s really very little I wouldn’t let you do to me right now.”

Lily took a step back laughing. “Are you seriously horny right now?”

“What? Can’t a bloke be in a good mood?” The crinkles around his eyes told Lily that he really, really was.

Lily raised her wand to him. “Okay. I’ll just make you sit and stand a bunch.” And she did. She tried hard not to giggle, because it really shouldn’t have been funny, but his eagerness to jump to his feet and then plop back down on the floor every time was just too earnest and childlike, especially when paired with the goofiest of grins he was giving her.

She broke the spell. “Damn Potter, you are so _screwed,_ ” she tittered.

He jumped to his feet almost as energetically as before. “I know, right?” He wrapped her in his arms and kissed her fervently as he walked them to the nearest wall. (Lily quickly dropped her wand just to make sure that he was, in fact, doing this of his own volition. It never hurt to be absolutely sure.) It truly had been such a long week without his touch. Lily melted into him, feeling almost as buoyant as she had under his spell. “You’re a terrible partner,” he whispered.

“Am not,” Lily protested as she pulled open his belt.

“Well, as it turns out,” his lips moved down the column of her neck as his warm hands snuck up the back of her jumper, “I love having your voice inside my head, bossing me around.” She felt him smiling as he unhooked her bra. “So yeah, you kind of are.” His palms moved to cup her breasts under the layers of fabric she still donned. “Fuck, Evans, how are you always so cold?”

“Shut up, Potter,” she said as she reached down to yank off half of her clothes.

“Yes, ma’am,” James said reverently to her tits before thoroughly lavishing them with his mouth.

They spent several hours in that room celebrating Lily’s victory over the curse — or maybe it was James’ inability to turn her down. In the not so distant future, James would tell Lily he was actually celebrating the return of the sparkle in her eyes.


	18. Sexual Olympics

**_Later, November, 6th Year_ **

Stone was clearly faking her over-the-top niceness to Lily in class ever since the incident, but Lily couldn’t bring herself to care too much. As McGonagall’s mutterings had reminded her, Defense Against the Dark Arts professors never seemed to last longer than a year, so hopefully someone better would show up for her final grade. All Lily had to do was survive this bitch for another… six months. _Shit._

With her newfound understanding with Sirius, and Marlene and Remus now friendly after their presentation, the two girls found themselves hanging out with the Marauders more and more frequently. It started off a little strange, but soon Lily wondered how she’d ever functioned at Hogwarts without their chaotic, humorous energy.

It was fun watching James interact with his friends too. He carried himself differently: like a leader preparing his most trusted generals for mischievous battle, not like some pompous douche who was always trying to piss her off. It was sexy to see him in this role.

So sexy, in fact, that she’d barely been able to wait until his friends had left to drag him away to a secluded alcove. She’d seen him stand over some complicated looking map, drawing plans on a piece of parchment and explaining an insane sounding scheme to his friends. For some reason… it had just been _so_ indescribably hot.

He looked about ready to die when she dropped to her knees in front of him, pulling his trousers down, ready to take him in her mouth.

“Lily I—” His lips were parted, looking down to her in hesitant amazement as though he’d dreamt of this moment for years and years and years but never actually thought it would come.

Lily’s soft hands wrapped around his base as her tongue tentatively licked the tip. “Shut up, James. I wanna enjoy this.”

James groaned; he didn’t think he’d be able to talk anymore anyway after Lily’s warm lips slide over his most sensitive skin, taking his length in as far as her throat comfortably allowed.

He was a sputtering, cursing, hair-pulling mess until he came less than two minutes later. Lily’s emerald eyes consumed him the entire time.

☆☆☆

For some reason, Lily going down on James had set off some sort of sexual Olympics between them. It was now Lily who was pushing the boundaries, getting more and more risqué with what and when they did things. James was always eager to compete, but every time she got him to blush, it felt just as good as she imagined winning the Quidditch Cup would feel like. Or, just as good as every time she got herself off riding on top of him _did_ feel like.

James had taken to sitting next to Lily in Defense Against the Dark Arts class, and she had no doubt it was a protective thing. While she appreciated the concern, she sought to remind him that she was no porcelain doll.

As Stone pontificated on about stretching jinxes, Lily slipped her right hand under the desk as she continued to write down notes. James automatically stiffened when he felt her grip on his thigh. “Act natural,” she whispered, as she slowly brought her palm higher and higher towards his crotch. They were sitting all the way in the back row, as far away from their professor as possible, but Lily didn’t want the Slytherins sitting across the aisle ruining their fun, not before she’d accomplished her mission that is.

Her fingers pressed along his zipper and she luxuriated in his sharp inhale, his hand clenching around his quill as his hips rocked forward, spreading his legs for her. She smirked to herself, rubbing back and forth until she felt his cock harden under her strokes, his breathing becoming more and more jagged. She felt oddly proud that he didn’t seem capable of even pretending to do anything other than not lose it.

Ever so slowly, she dragged down his zipper. “Lily,” he warned in a low moan. It looked like his mind was still trying to make a last ditch effort to remind her that they were in _the middle of class,_ despite his hips flexing into her hand, begging for her touch. Unfortunately for him, Lily knew **exactly** what she was doing.

“Shh…” Her fingers were against his strained trunks now, outlining his erection, “Fuck I want you,” she purred softly, making the vein protruding along his neck throb wildly.

She pulled her hand away just as Professor Stone turned to look at the class, “Mr Potter, would you please come up here and help me with the demonstration?”

_Hook. Line. Sinker._ Lily quietly giggled to herself as James sat upright, clearing his throat uncomfortably. For once, Stone’s odd obsession with him had worked in her favor.

“No,” James said simply, remaining in his seat.

Sirius snorted a row ahead of them and Stone looked surprised, faltering slightly. “No?”

“No Professor, not today.” Lily’s eyes darted to him. While she’d hoped she’d get to watch as he had to make a fool of himself in front of the whole class with the most tented trousers in the history of Hogwarts, hearing him refuse her least favorite professor to her face like that was hot as hell.

Stone looked confused, but asked Peter to join her instead.

James swiveled his body to her when everyone’s attention was back to the front of the room. “All right, Evans.” He was looking at her with so much gleeful impishness as he tapped his tongue to the inside of his teeth that Lily knew she was in trouble. He leaned into her. “Game fucking _on._ ”

All Lily could do as he smirked at her was gulp.

☆☆☆

Lily’s sense of foreboding only worsened when she saw James in the library that night — alone. _Oh fuck, what the hell is he looking up? What is he going to do to me?_ As if feeling her gaze, James looked up at her from the book he was presently scouring, his eyes locking with hers as his lips went lopsided and he bounced one of his knees. Then he winked. _I’m so screwed._

“You’re not hearing a word I’m saying, are you?” Marlene asked from the chair over.

“I’m so sorry Mar, what did you say?” Lily quickly recovered shifting her attention back to their table. It wasn’t lost on her how close Marlene’s nickname was to her other best friend’s.

The blonde smiled all too sympathetically. “I asked if you were coming to the game this weekend, but I’d say the answer is pretty obvious.”

Lily blushed profusely. “I— I,” she pushed her hair behind her ear, “probably will, yeah.”

Marlene started rolling up her finished Charms essay. “Is _he_ the one who gave you that monstrous hickey a while back?”

“Who?” Lily tried one last ditch effort to pretend like she had no idea who they both very much knew they were talking about.

Marlene gave her a ‘really?’ look but clarified anyway. “My idiot cousin over there.”

“Ah yes. Him.” Lily flipped aimlessly through the textbook before her, already forgetting what subject it was even on.

“He still just hot then?” Marlene grinned smugly.

Lily let out a big sigh. “I don’t even know, Marlene. I don’t even know.” And it was true: she really didn’t. It definitely felt like things were changing between them, and in ways that Lily didn’t hate. But she still wasn’t sure if James was the type of guy she _wanted_ to like, even if it was starting to look more and more like whether or not she did was a lost cause. It seemed like her heart was starting to catch up to her body’s total and unequivocal obsession with him again — a dangerous path if Lily ever saw one. Lily tried not to overthink it too much anymore.

“Ready Lily?” Remus asked, having appeared by her side.

Lily looked up to him startled. “How’d you know I was in the library?”

“A Marauder never reveals his secrets,” Remus answered mysteriously.

“All right,” Lily turned to Marlene while packing her bag, “remind me to ask Sirius when I get back from our prefects meeting?”

Marlene laughed. “Sure thing!”

Remus scowled knowing Sirius would probably be more than willing to brag about their handiwork to the girls. “You know,” he said as he and Lily left the library for the Head Office, “I’m not sure if you and Sirius becoming friends is such a good thing. I sense a lot of headaches brewing in my future.”

“Aw, don’t worry Remus! You’ll always be my best Marauder friend,” she sang jovially as she linked arms with him, making him chuckle. “What’s on tonight’s agenda? Please don’t tell me it’s debating whether or not to have a winter formal again; I can’t survive another hour of Paxton talking about how he really just ‘wants to get his groove on.’” Lily shook her head. “How we still even have the budget to do anything is beyond me. I’d have thought buying all us prefects our school supplies would have eaten most of it up.”

Remus gave her a funny look. “Oh. They paid for yours too?”

Lily returned his expression, only intensified. “Yeah? Why would I be left out?”

Remus laughed. “No, I just wasn’t sure if it was a real thing. I thought maybe Prongs did it.”

Lily chin jerked back. “James? Why would he buy the prefects’ books?”

“No, not all the prefects. I thought maybe just mine.” Off of Lily’s increasingly confused look, he explained: “He does that. He knows I’ll refuse his money, so he’s gotten sneaky about it. Closing out my tab while I’m in the loo. Insisting he accidentally bought clothes in my size instead of his.” Remus loosened his tie looking down. “It’s all really generous of course, just embarrassing.” Remus sighed. “And when I bring it up, he likes to insist that I deserve it as much as him anyway, since it’s not like he earned his family’s money either.”

“Oh.” Lily didn’t know what else to say for a moment. That was all extremely noble of him, again — starkly overbearing, but she was starting to see that that was James Potter’s default. _Little meddlesome prat._

“Yeah. I told you he was a good person.” Remus seemed happy to finally be vindicated after how James had acted the last time he’d told her this. He snuck a glance at her. “You’re good for him, you know.”

Lily nearly tripped on the steps they were climbing. “Pardon?”

“You haven’t noticed?”

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.” _How could I be good for him?_

Remus gave her a small smile, a faded scar on his cheek rippling. “Actually, you seem good for each other. You seem more relaxed now too, happier even.” They passed a portrait of a stuffy man on a teensy horse. “And dare I say, you’re a little more trouble too.” She gave a tiny titter. _I mean, he’s not wrong._ “Meanwhile he’s getting kinder by the day. Don’t point it out though, because he might just hex someone for the hell of it to prove you wrong.” Somehow, Lily didn’t doubt that. “He also seems to think things through a little bit more. Which trust me, he never used to do. You’ve given him some of your anxiety.” Lily laughed heartily. She was so happy she was no longer crippled with as much of _that._

_“_ Thank _Merlin,_ I thought I was about to go insane by keeping it all for myself,” she joked.

Remus gave her arm, still linked in his, a solid pat. “I’m serious. I hope he doesn’t fuck it up this time.”

Lily let out a sad little huff. _Me too._

They turned the corridor and were about to enter their meeting when a thought occurred to Lily. She dropped his arm and spun to him. “Oh! Remus — James couldn’t have sent us those books. They came with McGonagall’s official letterhead. She signed it and everything.”

Remus sighed. “James has been stealing from her paper stock for pranks since 2nd year and his grades were really bad in 4th year,” Lily remembered, she’d tutored him for a few of his classes while his mother was sick, “so he learnt how to do a forging spell. He didn’t want his mum to worry about him.” Remus gave her a significant look before entering the meeting.

Suddenly it hit Lily: in detention… James had cast a spell on her quill to make it write in her hand. He could pretend to be whoever he wanted to in letters.

_Oh shit._

☆☆☆

The next day, Lily had almost started to relax by Charms. She’d spent the entire double Potions class on pins and needles, waiting for some kind of explosion, the overturning of her cauldron, her clothes suddenly disappearing, _something._ Alas, it had just been an ordinary lesson: she and Adam competing with Snape and (an unusually pale) Avery for the best potion.

Marlene and Lily settled into their seats, retrieving essays out of their bags. When James sat down on the opposite side of the classroom, facing her, she knew his payback was imminent. She watched him watch her, leaning back in his chair, knees wide, thumb resting on the corner of his mouth. She furrowed her brows at him, _how the hell is he going to tease me from across the room?_ Her curious expression only titillated him further.

She tried to distract herself by talking to Marlene and then by paying attention once Flitwick went in depth explaining the Gouging Spell, but her eyes couldn’t stop catching James’. Whatever he had planned, it couldn’t be worse than this anticipation doing tsunamis in her stomach.

Lily looked down at her notes — her last sentence’s letters were slowly morphing and floating over into a new order, now reading, ‘Are you wearing knickers?’

Not moving her face, her eyes snapped up to his. _Who else would ask her this? It has to be him._ Her legs were crossed, it wasn’t like he could see anything anyway. What was his angle? He was swishing the feather of his quill against his cheek. She nodded her head slightly, eyes narrowed suspiciously.

He broke into the biggest grin then wrote something on the paper in front of him. ‘Good. Don’t scream _._ ’ _What—?_

Then Lily knew what the fuck he was talking about — her panties had started silently _vibrating_ along her clit. Lily gasped, both her palms hitting her desk as she perched up, trying to alleviate the sudden pressure. _Oh fucking hell!_ She shot him a panicked look only to find him leaning onto his crossed forearms, his wand pointing to her lazily in his hand, as he licked his bottom lip wickedly.

_Fuck, fuck,_ ** _fuck!_ **Lily thought, deliberately not looking at him. She was already finding it harder and harder not to react to the sensations taking place in her nether regions, she didn’t need to see him enjoying himself to egg her body on. It was only a matter of time before someone noticed her squirming indecently, and then what could she do? She already felt her legs start to tremble as her jaw slackened.

She discreetly tried pulling the fabric off her skin, but it stuck as though glued on. In an act of sheer desperation, Lily grabbed her wand and pointed it to her lap, silently casting _Finite Incantatem._ She squeaked when the terribly delightful buzzing only intensified.

_‘_ I was hoping you’d try that,’ her notes teased. ‘Maybe second time’s the charm?’

_Oh my god, I’m gonna come in this fucking classroom._ Lily had all but accepted her fate, hoping that she might be able to orgasm quietly for the first time in her life.

‘You really need to work on your poker face, love… you can read every bloody emotion that flits across your face.’

She covered up as much of her visage as possible but peeked through her fingers at James. He’d gone from amused to horny as hell himself.

“Miss Evans, is something the matter?” Her knickers finally stilled against her aching nub as she turned to Flitwick.

She took in the biggest breath. “Yes Professor, I just need to use the restroom if that’s all right.” He excused her and she rushed to the loo, peeling off her stockings and underwear urgently as soon as she’d slammed the door behind her. She was pretty sure it had only been a complicated spell, but she could never be too cautious. _What if the panties have been forever tampered with?_ They were such a cute pair…

James burst through the door a minute later, immediately claiming Lily’s mouth with his own and propping her up onto a sink. “Merlin, you look so fucking hot when you’re trying not to come,” he murmured against her lips while his fingers resumed where her knickers had left off, making a satisfied noise when he felt her bare skin.

Lily drew him further into her with her calves as she unbuttoned her top. “Let’s hope you never see that expression again,” she growled.

James’ eyes widened exuberantly when they landed on her bra. “Is this the infamous pushup?!” he asked all too giddily.

Lily chuckled. He had no right to be this cute when she was about to fuck his brains out. She tugged on his tie to bring his mouth back to where she wanted it. He took her right then and there and Lily tried not to giggle at the next prefects meeting when they discussed reports that Moaning Myrtle had moved up a floor next to the Charms classroom.


	19. Green-Eyed Monster

**_Quidditch Match Day, November, 6th Year_ **

That Saturday, Lily found herself waiting in the Entrance Hall while what felt like most of the school passed her. Everyone was ecstatic for the start of the Quidditch season. Slytherin versus Gryffindor always promised to be dramatic as hell, but the odds seemed to be in her House’s favor. She’d heard whispers throughout the castle that James was a ruthless captain and that all his grueling drills had shaped an amazing team. Lily could imagine if he only trained a fifth as passionately as he worked to conquer her body that the team was probably as close to going professional as they could get.

Lily very much hoped no one would get egregiously injured today. (She helped Poppy at the infirmary the day before, and she seemed pretty nervous about the game. That was clearly the only reason Lily too was worried.)

Lily looked at her watch and then craned her neck to see down to the basement staircase. Adam had suggested they watch the game together and she was waiting impatiently for his arrival. She really didn’t want to miss a moment of her first game in years. The last person who’d come up the stairs was Severus, glaring at her rudely, so she was already on edge.

Finally, Adam came panting up to her. “Sorry! I overslept!”

Lily laughed at his flushed cheeks and adorably apologetic puppy eyes. She turned and lead the way out to the field. “What, you didn’t have anything red to wear?” she teased, pulling her pompom hat on. She’d charmed her cloak temporarily scarlet for the occasion.

He bumped his shoulder into hers. “Who says I’m rooting for your team?” Lily’s jaw dropped, shooting him a scandalized look and a sharp poke to the ribs. He chuckled in response, stealing her scarf and wrapping it around his neck. “There. Happy?”

Lily sized him up. “It’s a start,” she answered challengingly.

He slung his arm around her shoulders as they walked between the bleachers. “Eh, I’ll take what I can get.”

She grinned at him, not hating the heat he was spreading to her. It was a particularly frigid day, and the wind had made his hair so appealingly ruffled.

Lily turned her attention back to the pitch and instantly saw something was wrong. On the field, there were six fuming players, screaming at the very frazzled-looking referee.

“I’m telling you, she’s _not_ in the castle,” she heard James’ voice booming.

“Look here son, you can’t know that for sure—“

“Yes, I can,” James snarled.

“And since there’s no evidence of foul play, you either compete with six players or forfeit the game.” The ref was standing with his hands up, James towering over him.

“She’s. Our. _Seeker_.” James seethed as if the man had completely lost his mind.

“Rules are rules, now get back on your side.” He didn’t give James the option of fighting back as he’d already gone to seek refuge in the broom shed.

Lily’s brows furrowed. What the hell was going on? _Dorcas is missing?_ Lily knew something had to have gone terribly awry for Dor to miss a game... Being the only woman on the team, Lily knew she had to work twice as hard as her teammates to get the same level of respect. If she wasn’t here, something was keeping her away. Lily realized she hadn’t seen Dorcas when she’d woken up this morning, but that was the norm on game days: Dor had a sort of prematch ritual that she followed strictly.

Lily had to scoff at Potter’s overconfidence though. ‘ _Yes, I can_.’ How the fuck was he going to claim that there was no way Dorcas was in castle? Had he checked every single room himself?

Before she and Adam started climbing up the stands, Lily’s eyes locked with James’ for a split-second. It was enough time to feel his rage and her breath hitched from the weight of it. He looked ready to murder someone, even before his brows twitched as his gaze found Adam’s arm wrapped around her. He stalked off to the locker room, yelling at his team to follow him, undoubtably to quickly discuss an entirely different strategy for the plays.

Lily held onto the railing for support, swallowing hard. Why the fuck were her panties so wet all of a sudden? **_That_** _can’t be a healthy reaction to his anger,_ she chided herself, as if she could shame her desire for him away.

“Hey, you okay?” Adam asked concerned.

Lily had almost forgotten he was still there. Obviously he could feel her swaying. “Yeah, yeah, let’s go up.” She ducked out from under him and clambered up. They walked over to her fellow housemates and she hoped to _Merlin_ that her arousal wasn’t posted on her cloak like a scarlet letter. _Of course no one can tell, refuckinglax._

“Lily?” Lily looked up to see Marlene staring at her from a bench near the back. She looked pleasantly surprised. The blonde’s eyes darting between her and Adam alerted her that the girl was deadly curious about what was going on between the pair.

“Hi,” she replied awkwardly.

“Here, I can scout over,” Marlene offered.

“Thanks.”

Lily pretended not to notice when Marlene tensed up when Potter and Rosier, the captains, shook hands before the game. She knew who Marlene was secretly rooting for despite what the banner she was holding onto said.

Gryffindor ended up playing fantastically, however, it hadn’t been enough to overcome the inevitable 150 point difference the Snitch provided. Lily used to think Quidditch was so dumb: _why even have positions other than Seekers, it’s all up to them in the end, isn’t it?_ But today had almost proven her theory wrong. James and his fellow Chasers had near complete possession of the Quaffle, weaving a blurry red braid across the field as they passed the ball around at neck-breaking speed. Lily couldn’t help but feel like Gryffindor would always have an unfair advantage considering how easily the Quaffle blended in with their uniforms. She held onto this little nugget in case she ever wanted to get James all riled up. She was sure he wouldn’t take kindly to her observation… _and how fun would that be?_

Lily tried not to stare too much, biting her lip as she watched Potter. He really was a god on a broomstick: a silly skill, but a hot one nonetheless. It seemed like he was getting more and more agitated as the game progressed, bellowing out commands and egging on Sirius to tail the Slytherin Seeker and only send Bludgers his way. James was harsh. He was relentless. Lily wanted to touch herself.

She soon realized she wasn’t the only girl there fawning ( _Merlin, I hope I’m not this obvious_ ) over him. There were some brunettes giggling when he nearly crashed into their stand during a dive and a Latina 4th year who wouldn’t stop cheering his name. _And yet, I’m the only one fucking him._ Lily’s smirk faltered… actually, she wasn’t even sure if that was true. _Of course there could be others, why the hell wouldn’t there be? We aren’t in a relationship._ Lily bristled at the thought, not really wanting to share his body with anyone else.

When the whistle sounded and the Snitch was caught, the Gryffindor team angrily stormed off the pitch to the locker room, except for James who looked like he flew directly to Gryffindor Tower. Lily scoffed as she looked over the railing to where he’d gone, pretty sure that sort of stunt was against school rules.

“What a game!” Adam declared happily. He’d kept joking with her over the past hour despite her distracted state. She hoped he figured she was just a new diehard fan. “Sorry you lost.”

“Eh, there’s always next time.” Lily shrugged turning back around.

They got to their feet. “You know, next week’s Hufflepuff versus Ravenclaw. Wanna watch together again?”

Lily pushed away any hope she had for watching the game with James. It wasn’t a healthy wish… although they seemed to be growing closer and closer by the day anyway, despite her best efforts to stay emotionally unavailable. It was still safest to hedge all her expectations. “I’ll wear my favorite yellow jumper just for the occasion.”

“Awesome possum,” Adam said with a goofy smile.

Lily couldn’t help but giggle. “Did you just say, ‘ _Awesome possum_ ’?”

“Lily, Lily, Lily, possums are awesome. Didn’t you know?”

“They also look kinda like badgers, so it’s perfect for you.”

“Exactly!” Adam leaned down and unexpectedly gave her a kiss on the cheek. He pulled back slowly, eyes taking in her countenance. She actually had no idea what kind of face she was making right now, too unreservedly taken aback. “Okay, I gotta go. See you later!” He turned and ran down the stairs, still wearing her scarf.

Lily stayed rooted on the spot, watching him go. _Oh._ He’d kissed her. Sure, it wasn’t a real kiss, only a peck on the cheek, but it was something. Or was it even? _I mean people greet each other this way all the time, why the hell am I overanalyzing it?_ Suddenly, her mind was racing, trying to figure out just how she felt about it. Part of her wondered if she’d known just what she was doing, bringing Adam along with her to _James’_ game. She’d been using Adam to mess with James, if only subconsciously, hadn’t she? She _had_ to have known he’d see them there together. Lily bit her lip. But… she _liked_ Adam. He was funny and sweet and the kind of man that she wished she could date. That stupid thing he said about possums was the type of shit James would have said to her in 5th year.

And there it was: _James_. The thing she liked most about Adam was that he reminded her of pre-fucking-personality-shift James. It would always come back to him, wouldn’t it?

Marlene was looking at her curiously. “You coming?”

Lily tilted her face down abashed; she wasn’t quite used to people waiting for her anymore. “Oh, yeah.” She fell into step beside her roommate.

“You wanna talk about it?” Marlene asked softly as they descended from the stands.

Lily sighed. “Not really, if that’s okay.”

Marlene nodded. “I think you’re not allowed to come to any more games,” she said lightly. Off of Lily’s hurt expression, she added, “You must be a bad luck charm.” She half smiled. “We’ve been having a real winning streak ever since James started playing, besides that whole drama when Sirius got suspended from the team last year,” she waved off the detail, "and now _your first game…_ ” Lily had forgotten that Sirius was kicked off the Quidditch team during the same week he was being iced out by the Marauders.

She snorted. “Duly noted.” She didn’t even notice this was a phrase she’d picked up from James.

They caught up with the other Gryffindor girls and Lily followed them back to their dorm, enjoying their animated banter quietly. Her silence gave her time to daydream about all of the tricks she’d just seen James do…

When they entered through the portrait, there was an air of sadness one could only feel after a bunch of teens had been denied a reason to party. It was not a feeling Gryffindor was used to.

Without warning, James barreled through the common room and grabbed Lily roughly by the arm, spinning her around and exiting the way she’d just entered.

“Potter!” she said more in shock than anything. He was so fast she didn’t even have time to see any reactions his little stunt might have caused.

She tripped over her own feet as he dragged her into the hall, around a corner and shoved her into a classroom she’d never actually noticed before. He was ignoring her calls for some sort of explanation.

James slammed the door, muttering with his wand, and then pushed her aggressively against it. As Lily’s back hit the wood, her eyes popped wide open, taking him in before her: he was still clad in his Quidditch jersey but his cape and guards had already been discarded. His usually bright eyes were nearly black as they bore into hers and Lily couldn’t help the exaggerated rise and fall of her chest between them. He looked downright dangerous.

He put a fist against the wall next to her head and leaned into her face. “Do you remember the safe word?” Lily wet her lips, both scared and unreasonably horny because of the harshness of his voice.

“Uh—” She swallowed as she squirmed before him; her mouth had gotten so dry.

“It’s a yes or no question, Evans,” he said brutishly, his face mere centimeters from hers now.

Her eyes darted to his fuckable lips, then down to his chest. She was blasted by a whiff of his musky sweat and she cursed that she loved the intoxicating aroma. _Who the fuck’s sweat smells this good?_ She felt like a flaming hot coil was trapped in the pit of her stomach, desperately crying to be sprung free. She met his gaze again, biting her lip. “Yes,” she whispered.

James wasted no time shoving her cloak to the floor and ripping her jumper and shirt over her head, tossing them aside. He spun her around and pushed her body back flush with the door shoving her skirt down unceremoniously as he fumbled with her stockings. She gasped when she felt his teeth scrapping her back and realized he was using them to tear the garment from her body.

In that moment, Lily realized that James Potter was an animal, and she was currently his prey. She couldn’t stop the whimper that escaped her lips. His hands were brutal in their exploration of her body, until he held her arms behind her back and swung them over to the teacher’s desk at the front of the room, bending her over it.

Holding her arms with one hand, his other reached behind his neck to hastily yank his jersey over his head. Lily looked over her shoulder to see his white undershirt sticking to him. She had no idea where the desire to lick his sweaty bod from navel to collarbone had come from, but there was no point in denying it now. She wanted him: _bad_.

“Ugh Lily, you’re so bloody wet,” James groaned as his free hand started rubbing up and down her knickers from behind.

Lily squirmed under his restraint, never having wanted to get fucking plowed so badly. “Potter, stop teasing—”

**_SMACK._ ** ****

Lily gasped as her left butt cheek smarted wickedly. “ _Did you just spank me?!_ ” She watched as he did it again, harder if that was possible, looking at her with a smug, ‘whatcha gonna do about it’ expression, daring for her to protest again. Lily bit her tongue.

“Rule number one, _Lily._ ” He sounded so viciously amused. His grip on her arms tightened, pulling her back so she had to arch up as he leaned into her ear. His left hand found her clit once more and she widened her stance to give him easier access. “Unless you don’t want to do this anymore…”

She tried to kiss him over her shoulder, but he dodged her, righting himself. “James…” she spoke through gritted teeth. His fingers were doing slow, tantalizing circles.

“Yes, love?” he drawled.

Her own fingers extended out, finding the drawstring of his trousers and jerking on them restlessly. He hissed and pushed her wrists higher up her spine, making her wince as her breasts slammed back down onto the table. He was really over her trying to act like she had any control of the situation. “Tsk tsk.” His finger lazily dragged her underwear down so it was pooled at her ankles. “Just say it.” Lily pressed her blazing cheek to the cool desk, trying to consider if begging was worth her dignity. Behind her, James had pulled out his cock and was rubbing it up and down her folds, getting it, as well as Lily, wetter and wetter.

“Lily,” he sang impatiently.

To hell with dignity. “Fuck me, James.” She couldn’t even recognize the desperation in her own voice.

Lily cried out as James rammed straight into her, filling her to the hilt. His onslaught was hard and fast, and Lily moaned pitifully into the wood as James grunted curse words behind her. His free hand came around to fondle one of her breasts, pushing the bra cup down and pinching her nipple with the same ferocity with which he was destroying her cunt.

Lily couldn’t think, she couldn’t breath, she was just a mess of indiscernible mutterings emanating beneath him.

“ _Fuuck_ , you feel good Lils,” he murmured into her shoulder as he released her arms and instead buried his fist in her hair, tugging on the roots leniently. His hips continued to never miss their target, hitting her just right over and over. Lily thought she was going to go insane as her cries grew louder. His fingers resumed their work on her nub and he nipped and sucked at her neck, bruising it. She knew he was breaking rule whatever-the-fuck-it-was, but she could not care less; her brain was currently ricocheting inside of her skull and she never wanted him to stop. “Come for me, Lily.”

She was weak, she was pathetic, and she was about to come so hard.

“Scream for me,” he demanded in a rakish whisper, his lips brushing against her ear, and that was it. Lily cried out his name as she shuddered against him, feeling her body pulsate and lift, crumble and break into a thousand little pieces.

When she came down to earth, she found herself with her shoulders on the table, her bra torn open and a shirtless James now joining her on the desk on his knees, supporting her hips in the air as he positioned himself at her core again. “What?” she asked feebly in disbelief. “You’ve got more in you?”

James chuckled as he resumed fucking her. Lily’s eyes clamped shut as she bucked her hips automatically against him, the angle of penetration divine. Her clit screamed out in overstimulation and Lily’s head lolled uselessly to the side. Why did everything he do feel so sodding good? “We’re gonna have to work on your endurance,” James grumbled, his nails digging into her hipbones.

It was James’ turn to let his head fall back, consumed by her warmth wrapped around his cock. Lily hungrily watched as a bead of sweat made its way down his neck, ran along his collarbone and then dripped down the center of his perfect fucking chest.

_Pound, pound, pound._

“Kiss me,” she mewled.

He looked down at her and snorted, making no motion to obey her request.

Lily brought her hand up to his pec, scratching her nails in with a particularly sharp thrust. “ _Please_ …”

James dropped her hips down to the desk and lowered himself flush against her with another deep thrust. Lily’s eyes rolled back as she heard the scrapping sound of the table moving rhythmically across the floor with them. He shoved his tongue down her throat, giving in to her plea, but refusing to do it in any way that wasn’t interpreted as pure sex. She felt his warm hand pushing up her body, over her breast, and settling around her neck, not really squeezing but resting there nonetheless. She tangled her fingers in his hair, and he moaned, pummeling into her two more times before making a muffled cry into her shoulder as he came undone, hastily pecked her on the lips, then nestled back into her neck, his heavy pants soothing her tender skin.

His weight was crushing on top of her, forcing her to have to try twice as hard to breath, but she didn’t care. Nor did she care that he was a sweaty hot mess. Okay, that was a lie, she did care: she loved it. Her fingers continued his scalp massage as she cradled him to her body.

He regained his breath and propped himself up and off of her, making Lily bemoan the sudden jarring lack of him inside of her. If James heard it, he didn’t react, and merely got off the table to find his clothes. He slung his trousers on and threw his white shirt over his head, then rushed to the door, causing Lily to gasp and scurry to cover herself up. “Cheers,” he casually called over his shoulder and snapped the door back shut.

Lily stared at the exit dumbfounded, trying to convince herself he hadn’t just left her like that. Sure, if his aim had been to remind her that this relationship was **clearly** strictly physical, could he do it _kindly_ at least? _He could have said more, waited for me, I don’t know,_ ** _anything?!_** _Fucking jerk. Who the fuck says ‘Cheers’ after sex anyway?_ He’d ruined her favorite send off.

She used her wand to clean up the mess dripping down her inner thigh and discarded the remnants of her ripped stockings into a nearby bin, thanking Merlin she had a cloak on her (it only had the smallest hint of red left to it now) so no one would notice her bare legs. She looked down at the tatters of her bra. _Ugh, these things are so expensive._ She’d have to tell him to quit breaking or losing them.

She winced as she put pressure on her legs, her muscles vehemently protesting. If she was already that sore, Lily didn’t even want to think how bad it would be tomorrow.

Before she left, she noticed a scarlet sleeve poking out from under the desk they’d just vigorously christened. _James’ jersey._ Lily smiled wistfully picking it up and resisted the urge to bury her nose in it. The defiance was made easier due to the fact that it probably smelt exactly like she did right now. Pushing away any sentimental thoughts of wearing it herself ( _that was couple shit,_ _real_ _couple shit_ ), she tucked it under her arm and made her way back to the common room.

It turned out a few of the Gryffindors were still choosing to let loose since they had already purchased the liquor anyway. Lily wasn’t surprised Sirius and James were amongst them, lounging near the stairs in the back.

When Sirius’ eyes landed on her, his eyebrows shot up into his hair. Spent, Lily just made a beeline for them, Sirius’ expression looking more and more shocked the closer she got. James wasn’t looking. Lily found it awful ballsy of him to just hang out here, reeking of sex.

“Here,” she told him as she shoved the jersey into his stomach. Then, without another word, she ascended the stairs, but not quite fast enough to miss Sirius’ perplexed declaration.

“You’re shagging _Evans_?!”

She was rather shocked James hadn’t told him sooner. _Because it means nothing to him._

When she stepped into her room, the chatter died down immediately and she felt four pairs on eyes honing in on her. “Hi,” she said weakly, striding towards the bathroom and locking the door. It sounded like they’d gone right back to talking. Lily looked in the mirror. _Oh. Maybe that’s what everyone’s looking at._ Not only was Lily sporting the worst sex hair she’d ever seen in her life (of course somehow amplified by the shock of color), but her neck was a disaster. It looked like someone had tried to murder her, with a large purple bruise already forming at the side of the base.

Lily rolled her eyes and cursed that she still didn’t have the right kind of makeup to cover it up. _I need to go to Hogsmeade one of these days._

Spells for missing buttons, contraception, torn clothing, love bites… James Potter was making Lily Evans have to learn all sorts of different magic.

☆☆☆

Dorcas showed up wandering the dungeons two days later, very hungry and with no recollection of where she’d been. The last thing she remembered was flying with her older brother over the summer.


	20. The Turning of Tides

**_Next Day, November, 6th Year_ **

Lily had always known James Potter was fit. She’d seen him advance through puberty, going in awkward and coming out of it better than anyone could have ever dared hope for (herself included)… And she _knew_ that, paired with the self-confidence that oozed out of him, meant he got a lot of female attention nowadays, whether in class or at the bar. She knew that. She’d seen it. So why was it hitting her so hard now? Why was seeing everyone absolutely _idolize_ him at the game striking a different chord?

She looked down to the diary lying open in her lap as she sat in her bed. She’d been trying to put into words how yesterday had felt, and was having a bloody hard time. Firstly, her arousal had been _insane —_ seeing James captain in the air was something she hoped she could keep doing for the rest of her life. If there was a sexuality dedicated to being attracted to powerful men that flew, sign her the fuck up. And then the sex… that’s where things got tricky. While the act itself had blown her mind, _my god, was it amazing,_ she couldn’t shake the feeling that he had been punishing her. Taking something red-hot and angry out on her. She figured they had a safe word, and everything had been enjoyable (a little _too_ enjoyable perhaps) so that was all fine and dandy, but how he’d left her afterwards? That just made her feel dirty and used.

She was pretty sure what had set him off was seeing her with Adam. And therein lay the problem. She was her own person and got to make her own damn choices about whom she hung out with and when.

But seeing those other women cheering and all but groveling for him? It pissed her off. Was he sleeping with any of them? _Had_ he already slept with any of them? Did he want to? _I mean, he’s perfectly within his right to, it’s not like we’re officially an item, he can do whatever he bloody well pleases just like me!_

And therein lay an even bigger problem: she was starting to realize she was just as jealous and possessive as he was.

“You can’t avoid me forever, you know.” Lily nearly jumped out of her skin when she noticed James leaning against her bedroom door pensively. He fully shrugged off his Invisibility Cloak and threw a wrapped sandwich onto her lap, his map in his other hand.

He closed the door behind him and walked to the side of her bed.

“How the fuck did you get up here?” Lily scanned from him to the door. She wasn’t imagining things, was she? She hastily glanced down to herself, still in bed in her pajamas in the middle of the day: it wasn’t the best look. At least she’d brushed her teeth.

James folded his map, pocketed it, and looked up to her as he sat on the edge of the mattress. Lily snapped shut her diary, terrified he’d get a peek into her inner turmoil. “I told you, Evans. It’s a terribly designed system. You’re as much of a sexual deviant as I am.”

Lily huffed. “That’s hardly true.”

He cocked an eyebrow up. “You sure? I mean, I’d never even _dreamed_ of getting a hand-job in class until you started doing it—”

“Bullshit.”

“— there I was… an innocent young lad. Being taken advantage of by an older woman.” She rolled her eyes. Why was he trying to make her laugh? “They should rename that class: Defense Against the Horny Lily Evans. And then the whole hour is just them teaching you that there is none.”

She fought off a smile. “Okay, if you won’t tell me how you got here, could you at least tell me _why?_ ”

James kicked off his shoes, making himself comfortable. “I **told** you. You can’t avoid me forever.”

“I’m not avoiding you.”

James nodded his head to her PJ bottoms. “All those penguins disagree with you.”

Lily pushed her hair back, revealing her deep purple hickey. “Maybe I just can’t go out looking like this.”

James reached over and skimmed the bruise with his fingertips, sending chills down her spine. “It’s too bad you don’t have your scarf anymore, isn’t it?”

Lily sulked. _Just when I was letting my guard down._ Of course, he was pissed about Adam. He’d clearly seen him wearing her scarf yesterday. She slapped James’ hand off of her. “I think we should start wearing condoms,” she said matter of factly.

James’ head jerked back. “What? Why?” His eyes went wide. “Did something go wrong?”

“No, not like that, but I think it would be the responsible thing to do.” She played with the ends of her long hair. “You know, for like STIs and stuff.”

James scooted a little closer. “Okay. Why now though? I’m pretty sure if I had any STIs, you’d have them by now.” He chuckled at her peeved look and held up his hands. “I don’t have any, jeez, I get tested.”

Lily fidgeted. “Good. I just think, you know, since you may be sleeping with other girls… it would be safer.”

“I’m not though.” His face shifted from confused to insufferably knowing. “Oh. Is this your way of asking me if I’m fucking around?”

“ _No,_ ” Lily said stubbornly. That was _exactly_ what she was doing.

James smiled, and though Lily found it annoying, she was sad when he wasn’t, for his face morphed into something far more ominous only a few seconds later. “Are you?”

They stared each other down. “No.”

“You sure?”

Lily shook her head, insulted. “Yes Potter, I think I’d bloody know if I were _screwing_ someone else.”

James ran a hand through his hair. “Well fuck Evans, what the fuck am I supposed to think when you show up to _our_ pitch, in that cute hat, with his arm draped around you like that? It was fucked up. I thought that was our thing,” he said the last part so softly, she almost missed it.

 _Oh_. She hadn’t thought about the similarities with their first date. “So that’s why you treated me like shit yesterday?”

His eyes flew from his socks to her fiery eyes. He looked like the cat got his tongue.

“It’s fine,” Lily brushed off, pretending like how he’d left her hadn’t kept her up half the night. “You don’t have to be nice, but I _need_ you to respect me. Rule number seven.”

James studied her so hard that she started to get self-conscious.

“What?” she snapped.

He drew his legs up onto her bed so he could regard her dead on while she leaned against her headboard. He rested his elbows on his spread knees. “Do you want a relationship?”

“ _No!_ ” Lily shrieked as a knee-jerk reaction. Had she wanted one last year? _Abso-fucking-lutely_. But last year had been so different… Lily knew herself well enough to realize she was nowhere near in the right headspace to date someone now. To be there for someone else. She felt like she had just started showing up for herself. Did she really want to jeopardize all the work she’d put into piecing herself back together? She had spent **months** building a wall around her heart — protecting it against the pain of loss, neglect, rejection, abuse… She’d done everything in her power to ensure she wouldn’t get blindsided by another break. She didn’t think she could tear that down quite yet.

Lily pondered if this was exactly how he’d felt last year. Sirius had alluded to the fact that there’d been some issue he’d been struggling with. _And he tried to tell you. But you never heard him out…_

Besides, even if there was a small, _minuscule really, but highly,_ _highly_ _embarrassing,_ part of her that did want a relationship, with him, right now, just as he was… she was afraid that admitting to that might push him away. It might scare him off. It might make whatever this was between them stop. And where would that leave her?

Lily didn’t have a lot of time to ruminate because James took offense to her record response time. “Wow, well you don’t have to be so rude about it.”

“How am _I_ the rude one here? You just nutted and left, remember?” Lily said incredulously.

“Fucking A,” James sighed, pulling off his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. “You’re so bloody confusing.”

“Am not—”

His eye contact hit differently without the glass there to obscure it. The gold specks shone extra brightly, her favorite constellation in her very own sky, and she felt his honest to Merlin mystification with her. He was truly pleading with her to just put him out of his misery already. “What do you want from me, Evans?”

“I…” she stuttered, unable to look away.

“You flinch when I’m affectionate, you tell me to shut up if I talk too much, you try to murder me if I cuddle, but you’re mad if I leave?”

She swallowed. It sounded _insane_ when he said it aloud like that, but it made perfect sense to her — in her head. It all boiled down to survival. “There’s a difference.”

“What is it?” he pushed.

“Potter, it should be obvious—”

“It’s not though!” James was clearly at the end of his rope, leaning forward. “And then you let the Hufflepuff hang all over you.”

“Don’t say that—”

“It’s true though!”

“Don’t yell at me.”

“Why? Why does _he_ get to hold you but I don’t?”

Something in Lily snapped. He was pushing her too far, asking too much of her. “ _Because he never broke my heart!_ ” She felt like she’d just ripped off a piece of her soul and thrown it at his face.

The two teens were left gaping at each other in the silence that followed Lily’s bomb. _He had to have known that. It_ _can’t_ _be news to him…_ But even Lily knew that there was just something so raw about hearing it aloud, from her, even if he’d already had an inkling before.

“Lily…” There he went again, sounding pained and pitying her.

Lily looked up to her canopy, blinking away the tears she could feel forming. “It’s fine. _I’m_ fine. It was last year.”

“Okay,” his voice was cracking slightly, “so where does that leave us now?”

Lily chewed on her lip as he placed his things on her nightstand and scooted next to her against the headboard, resting his head back and closing his eyes. He looked almost defeated.

She turned her head to him, matching his dramatic shift in mood. “Well, what do you want?” she breathed.

He looked at her, his eyelashes unfairly long, his freckles unfairly cute, his lips unfairly close. “You. Literally any way I can have you.”

Her heart skipped a beat. “What do you mean?”

He smiled at her sadly. “You’ll figure it out.”

Lily swallowed through her slight confusion, eyes darting between his lips and his eyes, now the one pleading for some form of clarity. _He can’t mean what I think he does. He can’t. He wouldn’t have acted the way he does this whole time if he did._ They were so close to reaching a sort of understanding that she could almost taste it; she just had to push a little bit farther now… If he actually liked her as he claimed to, why the random cruel jabs, the toying with her? Was he maybe confusing liking her with owning her? Being the only man to possess her? Especially after yesterday’s performance, she didn’t think it was too far out there of her to wonder. If this really wasn’t all a sick game to him… “Why couldn’t you date me last year?”

Hazel met emerald as he slowed his face’s lean into her lips. This was important. “I—“

“You’re joking, there’s _no_ way!” Brianna’s voice coming up the stairs to her room snapped Lily out of her trance with James. Just like that, the moment was gone.

“Shit, shit, shit!” Lily chanted, scrambling up on her knees and quickly drawing all the curtains closed around her bed.

“What are you—” James watched her quizzically.

“They can’t know you’re in here,” Lily whispered back frantically.

“Why? Are you that embarrassed by me?” James asked amused, kicking his legs out in front of him.

“Yes! Now shut up!” Lily patted down her comforter, looking for her wand, only to realize it was on her nightstand just as she heard the bedroom door open.

She looked over to James panicked. ‘ _Wand_?’ she mouthed, swishing an invisible one in her hand.

James smiled and pointed in the direction of her nightstand, currently blocked by a curtain.

Lily deflated and sunk into the pillow next to James, accepting her fate. James eagerly turned on his side to face her. He didn’t look at all annoyed to be trapped here with her.

Lily heard the voices of Betty and Lisa — Brianna’s annoying little lackeys, her two last roommates — talking with her. She prayed they wouldn’t see James’ things just beside her bed. Luckily for her, her roommates knew she oft kept her bed curtains closed, so at least _that_ wouldn’t look suspicious. They’d always call her lazy for refusing to make her bed each morning. Lily would point out why bother if you were only going to get right back in there that night and mess it all up.

“Dude, they’re definitely shagging.”

“No way, she’s wound so tightly, you know she isn’t getting any. They’re probably just heavy snogging.”

Lily made a face, but James looked like he was holding in a chuckle. Her eyes flew to him disapprovingly, ridiculously close to her on her pillow.

“Unless she is and he’s just no good,” Betty said. It was James’ turn to look disgruntled and Lily smothered her hand over his mouth in case his ego rendered him unable to remain quiet.

Brianna jumped in. “No, he’s good. He was just starting out with me and he still pulled out some moves I haven’t seen since.” Lily couldn’t believe this — it was like 5th year all over again. Having to listen to this girl preach about James’ sex skills while she lay in her bed wishing she could die. Only now the boy in question was lying right in front of her, his hand coming to rest on her lower back to pull her into his body.

“Okay, but why is she such a stuck-up bitch still? She clearly thinks she’s better than everyone else. I don’t know why Marlene insists we try to be nice to her.”

James’ hand snuck into her bottoms, and Lily reacted swiftly, grabbing him by the wrist. He looked at her confused. ‘Too sore _,_ ’ Lily mouthed.

James’ lips stretched straight out. ‘Sorry. _’_

She was still hearing snippets of their conversation now, and it only seemed to be getting more and more critical of the two of them. She was pretty sure she’d heard Brianna use the words ‘daddy issues.’

James grabbed for the sandwich he’d brought with him and unwrapped it, sticking it in her face. Lily swatted it away, trying not to laugh when he took a bite and then tempted her with it once more, eyebrows raised. He was making faces like it was the best thing he’d ever tasted in his life. She took a bite to make him stop, hiding her mouth behind her hand. Then he pulled out the map she’d seen from afar many times before and, as quietly as he could, unfolded it, showing her. _Oh my god, he’s trying to_ _distract_ _me,_ she realized. When she saw what was on the map, she no longer cared: It. Was. **Incredible** _._ All of Hogwarts was drawn before her, in stunningly intricate detail, with passageways, rooms, and… _people?_ Lily looked at James in awe, a thousand questions running through her head. So many moments, as well as his constant impeccable timing, now made sense. “You made this?” He nodded absorbing her stunned look. “ _How_?” she whispered.

He grinned, biting his lip. Had they inched closer to one another on the pillow? “A lot of hard work,” he hushed back.

 _Oh fuck._ That insane, undeniable attraction to him was back. Lily closed the space between them, locking their mouths in a slow but steady pace as her hand came to rest on his cheek. Seeing how wildly talented he was, just how wickedly smart, was so fucking hot. Without the promise of sex around the corner, their kiss felt more relaxed in a way. The passion was still there, but it felt like their sole purpose in the moment was to give in to each other’s lips as their minds blissfully soared. Lily wasn’t even aware when she’d hitched her leg up to his hip, but it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

When she pulled back slightly, he looked at her like she was a dream, his mouth’s slight uptick telling her just how happy he was. She wanted to eavesdrop, focus her attention back to outside of the curtains, but then he brought the back of two of his fingers to her cheek, stroking down ever so gently, around her chin, and back again. His thumb traced her lips.

As the girls’ conversation moved to where the hell Dorcas may be, James and Lily continued to get lost in each other’s heady gazes, kissing as they saw fit. (They saw fit _a lot._ )

☆☆☆

Several hours later, James was finally able to sneak out of her room — _the torture!_ — but only after their lips had gotten decidedly bruised from overuse and James concluded Lily deserved a back massage instead. Lily was convinced he had only done so to try to get them caught, since Lily’s urge to moan seemed to be uncontrollable through all of his touches, not just the sexual ones. Then again, how could Lily’s mind not wander into the gutter when she felt his warm crotch straddling her arse to get the right angle over her.

James had made a big, silent, show of discovering she wasn’t wearing a bra when he finagled her shirt off for her back rub, expression comically and over-dramatically stunned. Lily ended up whispering how she was down to her last bra since he’d broken or stolen all the rest. James claimed ignorance, then commenced his massage skills, clearly honed from years of recovering from backbreaking practices. His strong hands were absolute magic and Lily became putty in them, feeling her knots melting away. He’d ended his ministrations by using his mouth on her front side. Lily, flat on her back and arching into him, silently wished all Sundays could be this way.

Needless to say, she was sad to see him go, but really didn’t hate watching him leave. (He had the nicest, tight little bum.)

It wasn’t until the next morning that Lily realized he must have stolen her final bra as he escaped her dorm. How he’d managed it, she had no idea — the man was truly a sneaky bastard. The only way she was in fact sure the bra was stolen and not just misplaced was that in its stead was a folded Gryffindor scarf. Monogramed on one end were the letters J.F.P. _James Fucking Potter,_ she sighed to herself. She could have asked Marlene to borrow hers again, but she figured, _why not just wear his_. Clearly, he wanted her to.

Besides, she’d get him back for stealing her bras, one way or another.

☆☆☆

“Really? You can’t remember _anything_ from this year?” Sirius asked Dorcas at lunch. She’d been found this morning and already checked out by Pomfrey.

“Nope, nothing after this summer,” Dorcas sighed. “Captain, I’m so sorry I missed the game,” she said to James glumly.

James looked startled. “Hey, we’re just happy we got you back.” He slung his arm around her shoulders, trying to make her feel better. “We wish you could remember what happened though so we could give them a little payback.”

Dorcas looked sadly to her plate. “I wish I did too.”

Lily leaned forward. “Did Pomfrey say anything about what she thinks happened?”

“Lily,” Sirius said faux-affronted. “Show a little compassion.” Lily shot him a look.

“Yeah,” Dor answered. “She thinks the memory loss is the result of Dark Magic gone wrong.” Everyone stiffened uncomfortably. “Like someone was trying to perform a spell they weren’t quite strong enough for and it sort of… went pretty friggin’ wrong.”

Unconsciously, James and Lily’s eyes found each other. She could tell he was worried as hell for her. The Wizarding World was on the brink of war and she and her kind were undesirable number ones. His expression was in stark contrast to the sly, heated looks he’d been sending her since he undoubtably noticed she was going braless this morning. He was always so attuned to her breasts — it was his completely useless sixth sense. Lily looked back to Dorcas quickly. “That’s so scary.”

“Yeah. But like, I feel normal. I was just really hungry.” She forced a laugh, loading more potatoes onto her plate.

“I can’t believe Slytherin would stoop so low to win a game, the bastards,” Sirius grumbled.

“Do we really think this was about Quidditch?” Lily eyed the boys, her gaze settling on Remus. He seemed to be the only one who shared her skepticism.

“Yeah, Lily, people take Quidditch _seriously,_ ” Sirius said. “And I would—”

“No,” Remus said. “Just no.”

Sirius shrugged, unfazed. “My money’s on Rosier, the pretty-boy _git_.” Apparently he completely missed the irony of this statement, being far too pretty himself.

Marlene shifted next to her. She would later tell Lily (who was inevitably worried sick for her) in the comfort of their room that it couldn’t have been Rosier who attacked Dorcas, because she was with him for hours before the match. Things had been progressing nicely for the pair and Marlene couldn’t hide just how smitten she was.

Lily pondered the turn of events. She couldn’t believe that students would practice Dark Magic on a fellow classmate just for a game. It felt more sinister than a mere House rivalry. _Far more sinister._ Lily had seen Severus coming from the basement that morning… could he have been involved? She was aware that a lot of Death Eater wannabes were on the Slytherin team… but _Severus_ couldn’t have done this… _right?_ Lily refused to believe he’d fallen quite that deep. _There is a difference between men who commit evil and those who just stand by and let it happen._

Or did it all boil down to the same in the end?

“Well,” James’ warm voice brought her back to the Great Hall, “like I said, welcome back.”

“Thank you.” Dorcas smiled. “Let’s see if I last here now. I have no idea how I’m gonna catch up on three months of lessons I can’t even remember.”

“Easy,” Lily supplied, “we can all tutor you. I’ll do Potions if you want.”

Relief washed over Dorcas’ face. “Really? I mean, you wouldn’t mind?”

Lily beamed. “Of course not. Maybe Brianna could teach Transfiguration?” She turned to the girl who had just snapped at attention, completely unprepared to be brought up in the conversation. “I mean, she _did_ turn her ex-boyfriend into a goat in 4th year. So, she knows what she’s doing.“ Lily was blatantly sucking up, hoping to mend the fence between her and her roommates, if only for the sake of no longer having to hear their mean taunts.

“What the hell are you talking about, no I didn’t,” Brianna sneered, looking at Lily disgusted.

“What? But he—”

“It’s okay Evans, I can catch her up on Transfig,” James cut in, giving her a sweet grin.

“Yeah, since it was him who turned McGregor into a goat,” Sirius chortled.

“What? Why?” Lily looked between the two best friends.

James opened his mouth, but Sirius beat him to it. “I believe he had just said what a nice rack you had. So Prongs here gave him his own rack.” He extended his pointer fingers out from his forehead, then turned to James, fingers still wiggling. “Or was it because he was too _horny?_ ”

James shrugged smugly. “Both were applicable.” Lily looked at them, mouth open, dumbstruck. James gave her a wink. “It’s okay Evans, you can thank me later.”

Lily looked to her lap, blushing, unable to think of a retort in time. She guessed everyone was at least slightly aware that something was going on between them after he’d publicly dragged her from the common room, but it was still an extremely suggestive statement. Brianna got up and left the table in a huff as the grey clouds above them broke open, unleashing a torrential downpour.

As if sensing Lily’s unease, Marlene jumped in. “I can tutor you in Charms!”

“I’ll do Care of Magical Creatures,” Peter offered.

☆☆☆

Lily hung by the front door, staring out over the lawn towards the Herbology greenhouse. There was no way she was getting to it without getting absolutely soaked and she was already so cold, wearing knee socks instead of stockings since James had ripped her only pair.

“You don’t strike me as someone who’s scared of getting a little wet.” She looked up to James smiling beside her. _Such a boy, back with his little double entendres._

“I’m not. I love the rain.” She smiled, looking back out to the storm. “I haven’t danced in it in so long,” she sighed wistfully.

“So what’s the problem then?”

Lily smirked. “You’ll see.” Before James could respond, she added, “Is the map how you knew Dorcas wasn’t on Hogwarts grounds Saturday?”

James nodded. “Yeah. It shows literally every spot but the Room of Requirement. But I don’t think anyone else knows about that.”

Lily looked back at him. “The sex dungeon?”

James grinned at her adorably. “Yes. The sex dungeon.”

“That’s so weird… I wonder how the hell they got her out of the castle so fast,” Lily pondered.

“No idea. It makes no sense,” James agreed. “Anyway, you ready, love?” He offered her an arm.

Lily pushed his elbow away and boldly stepped out onto the grass, spinning around, getting instantly drenched. “I was born ready!” she cried out, giggling up to the sky.

James watched her, an unknown look completely overtaking his face before he walked out and joined her. Lily tried not to notice just how good he looked when the rain dripped down his body. She quickly helped him out with a spell to keep his glasses dry.

Once inside the greenhouse, the rain pounding down deafeningly overhead, Lily bounded over to Adam. “Wanna be partners today?”

“Yeah, of course!” He was in an amazingly good mood, radiating sunshine out of every pore. “Oh, you got another scarf?”

Lily noticed he hadn’t brought hers back for her. She tucked the end of the one around her neck back under itself and then unclasped her robe, overly hot in the glass hut. “Yeah.” Lily knew whatever she said after that word wouldn’t matter, because she’d just shed her outer layer and was now just in her sheer, white shirt, her rosy nipples clearly visible as the material clung to them.

Adam looked from her chest to her face, shellshocked but not addressing the very clear distraction. “O-okay,” he stuttered lamely.

She smiled, pretending to be completely oblivious to his inner struggle not to objectify the shit out of her. “Great!” It shouldn’t have been this fun to play off of his innocence.

From the corner of her eye, she noticed Sirius whispering furiously in James’ ear, both of the boys staring at her from across the room. Less than a second later, Lily felt herself being hit with a drying spell.

When Lily returned to her bedroom that night, she opened her bed curtains to find all her missing bras, neatly set out in a row.


	21. Tell Him

**_February? 6th Year_ **

_“Rise and shine,_ Mudblood whore!” Lily jolted awake to the noise coming from the other side of the door. She’d only grown to hate that voice so much more these past few weeks than she already had. At least she assumed it had been weeks. She actually had no idea how much time she’d been locked away here. For all she knew it could have been months. Maybe days. She was pretty sure it had been at least a week. The confusion was probably due to all the memory charms they kept hitting her with. Her shoulder ached from lying on it on the cold, damp floor, unable to find any other comfortable position with the chain secured around her neck. “The Dark Lord wants to see you!”

“Frank,” she whispered hoarsely, weakly reaching her fingers to the bars separating their cells. How could a move so small send this many stabbing pains through her body?

Frank Longbottom’s formerly warm, brown eyes, currently sunken deep in his face, opened to hers. He extended his filthy fingers to touch hers.

“If I don’t come back—” she choked on her words. She should have been used to it by now, but every time one of them was hauled from this tiny room, it felt like they’d never see each other again. They worried any day now, they’d finally be put out of their misery by some overeager Death Eater or by succumbing to the torture and losing their minds for good.

“I’ll tell him.” Frank swallowed, trying to put on a brave face for Lily; it was quite the feat considering his face was pressed down against dirty concrete. He watched as her lip trembled. It was so much harder first thing in the morning, before she’d properly had a chance to slowly turn off all her fear. She had to keep fighting. She had to hold on just a little while longer. “I’ll tell James Fleamont Potter that you’re sorry. And that you loved him.”

And there was the reason why she hadn’t given up yet. A tear escaped Lily’s eye as she tried to laugh, but it came out as a strangled cough instead. Her whole body _ached_. “Yeah, don’t tell the wrong one.” Lily tried not to focus on the fact that Frank’s past response to this plea had been, ‘Tell him yourself.’ She didn’t want to dwell on the reality that they were both starting to lose hope. She didn’t want to remember how he’d recently told her all the things she had to tell Alice if he didn’t live to tell her himself. Now was not the time to surrender to those type of thoughts.

The door opened and Lily was unchained and dragged out by her hair.

☆☆☆

**_November, 6th Year_ **

“Lily love, are you ready for Dah-luhl-ee?” James asked as he joined up with her and Marlene after History of Magic.

Lily looked up at him uncertainly. “Are you speaking Dutch?”

Sirius popped up. “Oh! That would be dead helpful if we ever make it to Amsterdam!” He looked up dreamily as if deep in thought. “All those brothels. Say Lily, would you be mad if Prongsie went? To a brothel I mean?” Everyone ignored him. Lily had noticed Sirius had started to do that a lot recently: tried to get a reaction out of her. She guessed he’d always been that way, but now the quips weren’t mean, they were just trying to get her to fess up to feelings she hadn’t fully figured out herself yet.

“Anyway, back to me,” James announced. “Not Dutch, D.A.H.L.E. class. Remember?” His twinkling eyes gave him away a second before his words did. “Defense Against the Horny Li—”

Lily slapped a palm over his mouth. “Yes, Potter. I’m ready. Are you?” She flipped her hair over her shoulder confidently.

He smirked so damn hard as Lily walked off with Marlene in front of him, standing there staring after her dumbly.

Sirius patted his back. “You’re in over your head, mate.” He wasn’t sure if James even heard him.

☆☆☆

Without the distraction of James in the sky, Lily actually got to enjoy Adam’s company at the Hufflepuff versus Ravenclaw game. There was also the added bonus of Paxton nearly falling off of his broom when he spotted her sitting next to his brother in the opposing team’s stands.

Recalling how James had reacted to seeing her wearing the same hat from _their_ date out when with Adam last time ( _how the hell did he remember that?!_ ) she decided to forego wearing her favorite yellow jumper this time. She viewed it as a compromise — she wasn’t going to give up hanging with her cute friend, but she wouldn’t go out of her way to rub it in his face ( _again_?) either.

She nearly reconsidered her courtesy when she went to steal Adam’s yellow beanie to wear herself and he clutched it to his head like his life depended on it. “Please don’t!”

Lily tittered. “Why?”

Adam’s entire face reddened. Lily’s heart automatically went out to him. “It’s nothing. Just between breakfast and going back to my dorm for my cloak, a zit the size of England materialized on my forehead.”

“Oh.” Lily tried not to look disgusted. Then it hit her. “ _Oh._ ”

☆☆☆

Lily pushed James forcefully backwards into one of their favorite deserted classrooms, causing him to stumble into the teacher’s chair as she locked the door. She spun to him and crossed her arms.

“Did you hex Adam’s forehead today?” she asked sternly.

James leaned back, interlocking his fingers behind his head, perfectly calm and collected. “Why Evans, you think so little of me.”

A fine deflection if she’d ever heard one. “Did you?” she demanded again as she pushed her knickers down from under her skirt and shimmied them over her knee socks to the ground.

James stilled, his eyes traveling from her panties to her face, trying to gauge her next move. Lily couldn’t help but notice that suddenly his power stance didn’t look quite as powerful.

“Because,” she grabbed his right hand from off his hair and placed it on her warm cunt under her skirt, “I don’t know if I can sleep with a bully.” Just as James’ thumb found her clit, ready to get to work, she pulled his hand back and straddled him instead. She put a finger over his parted lips, stopping his protests before they were even uttered. His eyes went wide. She brought the same finger down to touch herself, right above his lap. “And wouldn’t that be a shame?” she moaned letting her head tilt back slightly so she was now watching him from under heavy lids.

“Lily,” he said breathlessly, his hands squeezing her thighs surrounding him. He seemed unable to decide just where he was supposed to be looking, everything being too good to be true.

Her free hand cupped the back of his neck, bringing his forehead to hers. “Say it, James,” she purred, brows creasing from the feelings her own fingers were creating down below.

He drank her in hungrily. “Say what?” How he spoke told her he’d literally say anything she asked.

He tried kissing her but Lily pulled back grinning. “Tell me you won’t hex anyone else for the fun of it.” Her loud panting was intoxicating him, making him so jealous to be excluded from her fun.

“Okay deal,” James rushed, his hands moving up her thighs desperately.

“I need to hear it,” Lily whispered, leaning in to nibble on his earlobe, eliciting a groan from him.

“Fuck, I won’t hex anyone unless they **really** deserve it, happy? Now, _please—_ ” James’ fingers were pulling on her arse cheeks, trying to rub her body over his erection.

“Damn, so needy,” Lily drawled, crossing her arms over her chest and yanking up the hem of her jumper.

James’ irises went hazy as he let out a contented sigh. Lily smiled at him proudly. “Like what you see?”

She giggled as James growled and pulled her mouth to his, tangling his hands in her locks as he viciously snogged her. Lily preceded to ride him until he forgot his own name, too busy groaning out hers instead.

☆☆☆

“I need to talk to you.” Lily couldn’t believe it was Snape speaking to her when she turned around to find him in the hall. She’d thought she’d made her feelings perfectly clear towards him last time they’d spoken. She wondered just how long he’d been waiting to get her alone… She guessed leaving the prefects meeting when Remus was sick was his golden opportunity.

“I don’t really care what you need Severus. Goodnight,” she brushed him off.

“You’re in danger,” he yelled to her back, making her stop in her tracks. He was probably bluffing, and it was a pretty low blow, but how could she not be at least a _little_ bit curious with his outburst?

She turned to him, hitching her bag higher up her shoulder. She shrugged in a very ‘ _well_?’ kind of way.

“Not here.” Snape ushered her into a nearby classroom.

“Door stays open,” Lily sighed, crossing her arms.

A dark look flashed over his face. “Right. We don’t want your boyfriend to get the wrong idea. Especially since you’re already strutting around every—”

Lily rolled her eyes. Rumors had started to circulate around the castle that Evans and Potter may indeed be giving things another go (they truly weren’t being that subtle at all anymore…) However, this time around, Lily found she didn’t actually give a shit what everyone else thought. “Is this seriously why you wanted to talk to me?” She made to leave.

“No.” Snape took a deep breath. “You’re actually in danger. But I have a plan.”

Lily grimaced. “Whatever it is, I already know I’m not interested.”

“Lily, **_stop_** , this is no longer child’s play!” His eyes had gone crazed, trying to impart the gravitas of the situation.

“What are you—”

“The Dark Lord is interested in you.”

Lily stared at him in utter disbelief, but he remained completely frozen, staring right back. He wasn’t joking. “Voldemort,” Snape flinched, “is interested in _me?_ ”

“Yes.” Snape watched as Lily’s composure crumbled.

“ _Why_?!”

“I’m not exactly sure, but I think he wants to recruit you.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? I’m a Mudblood, remember?”

Snape stepped towards her with a glimmer of hope. “It’s not all about blood with him. He values intelligence and loyalty too.” He stood a little straighter. “Take me for example: I’m not a Pureblood, but he gave me a _chance,_ Lily. I think he’s willing to give you one too.”

So he’d joined then. She _knew_ this day would come, she knew he’d been interested and that his friends were monsters, but it was still a punch the gut to have it be flat-out confirmed. He’d joined a cult that was actively trying to eradicate people like his former best friend: her. Lily’s eyes darted all over him, suddenly very scared. Someone who was this unpredictable, who somehow thought that **she** , Lily Evans, would join the side that hated the very people who had raised her, must be violently deranged. She staggered back. He didn’t seem to be holding onto his wand at the moment.

“Lily,” he said pleadingly, looking almost feral, “I have power now. Let me share it with you.”

“I don’t want power, Severus! What is wrong with you! I just want fuckheads like you not to treat me like shit just because I’m different!” She felt her heat rising.

“Then join me! Show them! Join us and _show_ everyone how powerful you are! It’s all about **power** Lily. We can show them, together.” He took another step forward. She felt paralyzed by the greedy glint in his eye. “You and me.”

 _What the fuck happened to him!? How was I_ _friends_ _with him?_ “There is no fucking you and me! Why can’t you get that?!”

Lily’s insults just seemed to roll off of him. She wondered how long he’d actually been like this — so blinded by his quest for influence that everything else failed to register. He drove on wholly unperturbed, scaring Lily even more. _No means fucking_ _no_ _._ “Lily. You don’t have a choice. Once the Dark Lord wants something — he gets it. At least if you come with me, I can ensure that things go… smoother for you.”

Lily’s emerald eyes went painfully wide. “So you’re threatening me, then?”

“No, Lily. I’m in his inner circle, I can vouch for you—”

Lily started laughing nervously. The idea that a barely 17 year old boy’s input could somehow be valued by the most dangerous wizard of all time was just that: _laughable._

 _“_ ** _Don’t_** _laugh at me.”_ Snape’s greasy face blanched.

For some reason, seeing him stomp his feet, having this tantrum only made the whole situation more twisted and comical. The guffaws falling from her mouth got louder and louder.

“Stop!” Snape’s open palm connecting with Lily’s cheek snapped her out of it. Suddenly, all she could think about was all the times Rick had done the same. Lily’s broken wrist had taught her very quickly that not fighting back against someone physically stronger than her was her best course of action, no matter how hard that was. No matter how much it tested her temper. It had gotten easier with time. And thankfully, the break had occurred after James had alerted her to the fact that she could use magic while in London undetected, thus her recovery had been rather painless. “This isn’t funny!”

 _He hit you. He fucking hit you,_ her mind reeled. Lily knew the statistics, she knew kids who were abused were more likely to continue the cycle, just like Snape was doing. She had internally scolded herself every time that _she_ had slapped James, willing herself to be better than that… but Snape had hit her _. Because I laughed at him._

“I’m trying to help you, Lily. I don’t want to loose you!”

Lily responded hollowly. “You already have.”

“No, I—”

“And now you’ve killed me.” Lily looked at him lifelessly.

“What?”

“You’ve marked me, Snape. Now when you scurry back to Voldemort, you have to tell him I denied him. You’ve all but signed my death warrant.”

Snape swallowed uneasily, clearly not having thought about it from this angle. “ _No,_ I’m trying to help you! I’ve seen you over the past year. You’ve completely lost yourself, Lily, let me give you purpose. Let me show you what life could be like—”

Snape reached to grab Lily’s arm but yelped and sprang back as though he’d been burned when his skin touched hers. Lily hardly noticed.

“Tell your master I can’t wait till he rots in hell. Tell him I’ll put him there myself if I have to. Tell him I said **no**.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Tiff defends her choices: I know Lily not fighting back after Snape hits her will piss people off (I mean, didn't we all love when Hermione punches Draco in the face…), hell, it pisses me off, but I have my reasoning — Lily didn't physically fight Voldemort when he was about to kill her. James tried to, but she didn't. She tried reasoning and pleading with him for Harry's life instead. Also, in my story, Lily is very traumatized and trying her best to survive. I do believe someone who's been through what she has would know exactly what to do to make her life easier, even if it is seen as the 'weaker' option. And yes she punched Mulciber, but that was for someone else (and before her trauma). I do believe there are people out there who will literally murder for others but have a hard time defending themselves.


	22. She Doesn’t Know

**_December, 6th Year_ **

Lily couldn’t remember getting herself back to Gryffindor Tower, but somehow she had.

She hadn’t been exaggerating with Snape — he’d put her in the most precarious situation of her life. People didn’t just get to deny Lord Voldemort — you either acquiesced, or you died. It was that simple. Lily was a walking dead woman.

 _Petunia._ Now Lily worried if they’d go after her sister. _Isn’t that what bad guys always do? Go after family?_ Petunia was the only family she had left. The only good news there was even Lily had no idea where Tuney was. Rick and Mag had kicked her out of the apartment on her 18th birthday and had given Lily no forwarding address, ‘so quit asking.’ Suddenly Lily was overcome with relief that her sister disliked her as much as she did — maybe it would keep her safe.

"Lily, you all right?" Marlene asked from her armchair in the common room next to Hestia and Dorcas as Lily ambled through. The Marauders were no where to be found, not that she was looking for a certain face to cheer her up or anything.

“Yeah,” she mumbled.

“You sure?”

She looked at her friend who was surveying her with such concern. “Yes,” she said a little more confidently. “Goodnight.” She smiled through her pain. This was her burden to bear, and hers alone.

☆☆☆

Luckily for Lily (even if for no one else) her best distraction soon descended upon Hogwarts: studying for finals. With that, volunteering for Poppy, and catching Dorcas up in Potions, Lily barely had a lick of free time to breathe, let alone ponder Snape's ominous warning. Now everyone looked just about as miserable as she felt and there were no more questions of ‘what’s wrong?’ slung her way… except for in James’ eyes. She could tell he was asking that very question every time he looked at her, clearly worried about her.

“Marlene?” Lily asked hopefully at breakfast one day. Christmas break was fast approaching, and the closer it got, the more she realized she didn’t want to spend it alone in the castle as she had originally planned.

“Yes, Lily?” Marlene answered hesitantly, knowing a favor was about to be asked of her.

“What are you doing this holiday?”

“Oh, I’m going to the Potters. My parents always go south of the equator for winter. Hate the weather, blah blah,” she waved her hand. “You?”

 _Crap._ Lily pushed her hair back. “I’m staying here.” She put on a fake smile. From the corner of her eye, she could see Sirius watching the exchange.

“Oh.” Marlene’s shoulders slouched a bit. “Would you like me to stay?” Her face lit up. “Or we could ask James if you could join at his place? I’m sure he won’t mind. I mean, his house has like ten spare rooms—”

“Oh no, that’s okay. I told McGonagall I was staying in the castle already. Imagine the paperwork she’d have to do now if I changed my mind,” she joked weakly. There was no chance in the world she was going to force her way to James’ place for Christmas. _None. Nada. Zilch._ They **_finally_** seemed to be in a decent place in their ‘relationship’ and she most certainly didn’t want to jeopardize that. They were laughing with one another, talking like civilized human beings, hell, they even had a bloody inside joke now! Things were good — at least, good enough for Lily. _Besides, isn't asking a fuck buddy if you can go to their home for Christmas super desperate? I mean, it’s CHRISTMAS. Some would argue it’s the most romantic holiday of the year!_ Lily had her mind firmly made up: there was no way she was stepping foot in his house, so why even bother thinking about that ( _wonderful, whimsical, miraculous… fuck,_ ** _shut up_** _, it’s never gonna happen!_ ) scenario for even a second longer.

☆☆☆

“Come to mine,” James said as he sunk into the seat next to Lily in Transfiguration class.

“Pardon?” Lily asked, blushing slightly as she looked to him. She wondered just when she’d be able to conquer this truly damning affliction — it told people everything.

"Padfoot told me you were looking for somewhere to go over Christmas. Come to my place,” he stated obviously.

Lily scanned the room, finding Sirius’ pretty face easily. He shot her a huge grin. _Nosy cad._ “That’s okay, Potter, I’ll just stay here—”

“Oh come on, Evans! It’s Christmas! No one wants to be alone on Christmas.”

Lily looked at his eager face, chewing her lip. _It was true…_

He could tell he was making headway. “We have the space! Besides, Marlene will be there, Sirius too. Remus and Peter visit so often that it’s almost like they’re staying there anyway…”

“Won’t your father mind? That’s a lot of us,” Lily questioned. _Us._ When had she started to view their friend group as a unit? It felt nice.

James’ face dropped infinitesimally. “He won’t.”

Lily considered his offer. He made it sound so appealing, almost like it was no big deal. Hadn't she _just_ been thinking that them, barely supervised _(oh my god)_ for three weeks, would be a recipe for disaster? _But the idea sounds so much better coming from his lips..._ Lily chastised herself and begged her brain to do the decision-making, not her knickers.

James grabbed her knees and swung them over the side of her chair towards him so he could hug them with his own. He rocked their legs back and forth. “Come on… you know you want to!” He smiled so wide his dimple showed. “I’ll even let you have your own bed. At least some nights. If you want.”

Lily rolled her eyes, glad she wasn’t the only one thinking of all the naughty implications of this proposal. “How very generous of you.”

“Right?” James stretched back, Lily’s legs still pined between his as he ruffled his hair. Lily watched as his shirt rode up slightly. _Bastard knows what he's doing._ “I’m maturing. So kind of you to notice.”

Lily shook her head at him, smiling like an absolute fool. He leaned back in. “So?”

She looked down to her hands in her lap and then back up to him through thick lashes. “I’ll think about it.”

His smile could smother her. In that moment, her mind chose just where she'd be spending Christmas — or was it her heart? "That's all I ask.”

She was truly so sucked into this moment with him, staring at his lips, that she jumped in her chair a good few centimeters when Adam spoke to her. “Hey do you — oh sorry.” He actually looked slightly mortified to have interrupted something when he saw Lily scrambling to face forward. “I was just wondering if you wanted to do the test review together?”

“Yes, of course,” she squeaked two octaves too high. She didn’t look back to James as she joined Adam.

Throughout class, it looked like there was something on the tip of Adam’s tongue. She had the feeling she wouldn’t like whatever it was and was selfishly thankful he didn’t seem to be able to work up the courage to bring it up.

“You coming?” he asked when McGonagall dismissed them an hour later.

“I have to speak to the professor for a bit.”

“Oh? About what?” he asked curiously.

“Just the holidays.” She gave him a small smile. “I’ll catch up with you, go on.”

He seemed reluctant to leave her. “You sure you don’t want me to wait?”

“Go,” she laughed. Her face fell the second he turned around to leave. _Yup._ That was one conversation she sure as hell didn’t want to have. _What will I even say?_

“Miss Evans, shouldn’t you be heading to your next class?” McGonagall asked sternly.

Lily turned to face the esteemed witch. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about the holiday break. I won’t be staying in the castle after all.” Lily couldn’t help the excited little bounce she did to her toes.

“Oh?”

“Yes, I found a family to stay with.”

“Whose?”

 _Oh god._ Lily hadn’t thought about this part. _Holy shite, this is awkward._ Was she basically outing them as together, (or at the very least _doing it_ ), to a **teacher?** Lily nearly shuddered. She was talking to the very same teacher who had found them in a broom closet not too long ago and had somehow thought nothing of it. Could she go back and give them _more_ detentions, months later, now that she had cottoned on to what they had really been doing in there? “Well, my good friend Marlene,” _great start, focus on that part please,_ “is staying at the Potters, so I’ve been invited too.”

McGonagall contemplated for a terse moment. “The Potters… hm.” She looked back to Lily. “That might do. I will run it by Dumbledore.”

 _Dumbledore?! Since when does the Headmaster need to approve holiday stays? Is this the norm when you go to a home that isn't your own?_ “Thank you, Professor.”

☆☆☆

It seemed as though Adam had worked up the nerve to have their awkward conversation by Herbology and it was just as bad as Lily feared it would be. She wondered if it was always this hot in class, or if the sun was especially radiant and being magnified extra hard by the glass roof today.

“Can I ask you something?” Adam glanced at her from his stool sheepishly.

“Sure.” Lily occupied herself by diving into her bag for a quill.

“Is there something going on between you and Potter?”

Lily took a deep breath, putting her bag down. His eyes were piercingly blue and it stung. He was looking at her, so scared and sweet, and it was breaking her heart. He didn’t deserve to have to deal with her, but he deserved the truth. “Yeah. It’s complicated,” she confessed.

He nodded and looked down to his lap embarrassed. “Gotcha.”

 ** _Fuck_**. She felt so guilty. She reached for his hand, trying to think of what she could possibly say. Everything sounded woefully inadequate or just plain insulting. She wanted to tell him she cared for him, a _lot_ , but that sounded so condescending. She wanted to say that she wasn’t in the place for a relationship, but she couldn’t use the very same line James had used on her last year. She wanted to say how much his friendship meant to her… but she knew the words would fall flat. And telling him that if it weren’t for James, she would probably be throwing herself at him just seemed cruel.

Luckily, he did the hard work for her. He squeezed her hand back, shooting her a forced smile. “But we can still be friends?”

My Merlin, she 100% did not deserve this man. The rush of gratitude she felt for him had her throwing her arms around his neck, squeezing him tightly. While his smile had clearly been fake, his chuckles were not. “I’ll take that as a yes?”

“That’s a fuck yes.”

Lily quickly thought about how she’d feel in this situation if the roles were reversed. Would she have been able to be this big of a person? She supposed that she had fallen for a friend herself last year, but that seemed different. She and James had been a slow burn; and by the end, she knew they were both feeling the heat. However, as soon as it had become apparent that James didn’t feel the same way back anymore (or so she’d thought at the time), she’d needed a clean break. He’d asked her to be friends still and she couldn’t do it. She had cut him out completely. _But Remus was able to do it. Remus fancied you but was perfectly fine with being your friend instead… Am I just not as good of a person as these guys?_ Obviously she very much still wanted Adam’s friendship, but she hoped that he wouldn’t hold onto any lingering feelings that would make hanging out with her uncomfortable for him. _Fuck, you sound just as self-absorbed as James right now, assuming that no one would ever be able to get over you — even if it turned out to be true for him (at least about her)._ Lily hoped that her own obsessive, long-term crushes weren’t the norm for everybody else.

“Ah! A rat, _a rat!_ ” a Hufflepuff girl screeched pointing to Adam’s feet, where there was indeed a plump rat, scurrying between his stool legs and rushing under their workspace.

Adam grabbed for his wand, but a second later, Sirius had sprinted forward. “It’s all good! I’ll handle it!” He bent down and picked the rodent up by the tail, making several classmates yelp and move away. “Let’s bring you outside, shall we buddy?”

Lily didn’t miss the significant look Sirius threw to James, who looked… ashamed? Apologetic? _Well that can’t be right. How could James possibly be responsible for a rat… Okay, scratch that, WHY would James conjure up a rat?_

The look was gone when James locked eyes with Lily later in Care of Magical Creatures class, biting his lower lip and looking awfully happy with himself.

She hoped he’d tell her what was on his mind tonight.

☆☆☆

“Do we really think it wise, Albus? She’s safe here. We can protect her in the castle,” McGonagall said anxiously, alone with the Headmaster in his office. All the tinkering whirls and bells of his little instruments were doing very little to calm her nervous pondering.

“Yes, Minerva. I think it will be all right. I will contact Fleamont and set up the wards on Potter manor myself. They will use my Floo to go directly home. Miss Evans will be almost as safe there as she is here. Maybe even more so considering no one will suspect her whereabouts.” He paced around the room, picking up trinkets here and there only to set them down randomly somewhere else.

McGonagall knew he was a genius, but sometimes she still couldn’t decode the method to his madness. “Should we not tell the girl?”

“Ah, I think not.” Dumbledore finally stilled by his window, overlooking the grounds. A light flurry of snow had just begun. “We don’t know how much faith Tom puts in prophecies… he could very well view them as beneath him. And forgive an old man for holding onto the hope that Riya’s prediction never reaches his ears.”

McGonagall let out a labored breath, not liking anything about this at all. She had always thought Divination was a fraudulent branch of magic; how dare it be causing them this much stress now? “The prophecy doesn’t even make sense! How are Lily Evans and Frank Longbottom related? Isn’t he engaged to Alice Fortescue? I’m not sure that the pair has ever even properly met besides just passing in the halls years ago!”

“Yes,” Dumbledore said simply, still lost in his own thoughts.

“Well,” McGonagall pushed on, “how are two young people expected to defeat You-Know-Who by themselves?”

“No one ever said they had to do it alone, Minerva.”

McGonagall bristled. She absolutely hated knowing that there was nothing she could do to help one of her favorite students (not that she’d ever admit to having favorites). “She’s a smart witch. She’ll know something is wrong.”

“Ah, yes. I don’t doubt that she will.” Dumbledore clasped his hands behind his back. “But let us do her the favor of delaying the truth if only for a little while. After all, being at least half responsible for bringing down Voldemort is a lot for anyone to handle.” His blue eyes sparkled behind his half-moon glasses. “Especially before Christmas.”


	23. Bang Bang, He Shot Me Down

**_December, 6th Year_ **

That night, after Lily came back from an entirely too long study session with Remus and Marlene in the library, she trudged into the common room, knackered.

James couldn’t hide the exuberant pep in his step as he ambushed her by the portrait hole. “Fire, Evans, fire!” he exclaimed, yanking on her arm.

“What?” she asked confused.

“Flood in the basement.” Lily’s face remained nonplussed. “Vampire in the pantry — shite, how did you keep a straight face for any of these?”

“Oh just go, you two,” Marlene sighed as she took Lily’s bag from her. “We all know what you’re off to do.”

Lily blushed profusely but James grinned. “Thanks cuz.” He leaned over, grabbed Lily’s waist, and threw her over his shoulder.

“No! Potter _I_ never agreed to this! We have **exams** tomorrow!” Lily could hardly wrap her head around the difference between how they’d been the last time he pulled this move on her and now.

James ducked them past the Fat Lady and continued down the hall. “Exactly. All the more reason for me to provide you with my stress relief services. Honestly Evans, the things I _do_ for you…” Lily rolled her eyes, getting lightheaded from the blood rush as she bobbled along. “You know, it’s a sacrifice _,_ but someone’s gotta do it.”

Lily spanked his ass in front of her face. He spanked hers right back. “Ow! What was that for?”

“You spanked me first!”

“Yes, but you were being an arse!”

James chuckled, jostling her slightly. “When are you gonna stop pretending like you don’t _love_ _it_ when I’m an arse?”

Lily huffed at his choice of words and that she knew she really could not deny them. James smiled to himself harder with her lack of defense. “Why are you in such good mood then?” Lily asked as she recognized the ballet-dancing troll. She didn’t find the painting nearly as funny anymore.

“Because I just found out I’m getting the best Christmas present of all time.”

“And what’s that?”

James bent down, swinging Lily back to her feet in front of him. She hadn’t seen his visage look this happy since 5th year. “You.”

Her eyebrows shot up her forehead. “Me?”

He tucked some of her hair behind her ear. They both noticed she didn’t wince or pull away; she let him. “Yup.” He popped the p jovially.

“I told you I was _considering_ coming _,_ ” she said stubbornly as she crossed her arms over her chest (James’ gaze dropped as it always did, _the perv_ ), but her lips twitched tellingly.

“The jig is up, Evans. I know you’re coming.” When Lily’s eyes narrowed, he laughed and added, “Dumbledore called me to his office to tell me we were all going to Floo home and under no circumstances are we allowed to leave home all break.”

Lily looked over his naughty grin warily. “What? _Why_? And you think this is **good** news?”

“Yes,” James said, wrapping his arms around Lily’s lower back, bumping their pelvises into each other casually. (Lily felt an unmistakable stirring between her legs.) She brought her hands to his inner elbows. “It means I get you for three whole weeks. And you can’t run away.”

As Lily looked over his strong jaw, the glimmer of his eyes, felt his muscular forearms under her palms, she wondered why anyone ever _would_ run away. “I can still change my mind, you know.” _Welp. I guess old habits die hard._ Lily was starting to suspect she had a little bit of a self-sabotaging streak in her. ( _Okay, a_ ** _big_** _bit_.)

His smile softened and he gave her an unexpected kiss on the forehead, his lips lingering there, making Lily’s heart jump to her throat. “Let’s give you a preview of the holiday then shall we? Make sure that doesn’t happen.” He grabbed her hips and spun her around. “All right, so all you have to do, is walk by this wall, back and forth, and concentrate really hard on where you want to shag me most.”

Lily looked over her shoulder to him alarmed. “Is _that_ how this room works?!” James grinned. “Okay, first of all, I have some questions.” His face faltered. “Didn’t you say you found this with the Marauders?!”

James burst out laughing. “Oh man. I _did._ ” He swatted her bum, making her jump and squeal. “Don’t be so judgy, Evans.” He shot her a roguish wink.

Lily started pacing feeling James’ gaze hot on her skin the entire time. Could she actually show him this? **_What_** would she even be showing him? Did the room only work if you could envision the end result yourself, or could it somehow decipher your own feelings for you and paint them into a pretty picture? Would whatever she came up with be too much? Would _he_ run away? There’d truly be no coming back from this.

She opened her eyes to James drinking her in… curiously? Hopefully? All she knew was she felt naked. She took a gigantic shaky breath and held out her palm to the elegant Mahogany door with a spiky gold handle that she’d just manifested. James’ slow approach told her he understood the significance of this moment just as much as she did. He took her hand and placed his free one onto the knob. “ _Ouch_ … May I?”

Sucking in her lower lip, she nodded. And he opened it. Inside, the room she’d previously seen as small and cozy, was enormous, stretching as far as the eye could see in all directions. The ceiling seemed enchanted like the Great Hall to show the sky above, stars sparkling wildly — Hogwarts being the only other source of light for kilometers. The floor was grassy and far away to the left and right were three giant hoops. She’d brought them to the Quidditch field.

“Lily…” She’d grown accustomed to him saying her name like this, intimately, when there was just too much for him to put in words. When he _couldn’t_ put it into words. Or maybe, just maybe, she was starting to glean, when he was scared of how she’d react to his words. They’d been dancing around each other for so long…

She gave his hand a squeeze. “It’s the pitch!” she tried saying light and airily, but she was pretty sure the inflection of her voice gave her away.

She thought nothing could top the amazement in his eyes as he looked around in the night sky, but then he looked at her; she could have sworn her heart stopped beating. “It’s _our_ pitch,” he whispered.

She scanned his face, trying to find any signs that this wasn’t real. That he didn’t feel exactly what she was feeling in this moment. All she saw was the sweetest devotion, bathed in amber, jade, and gold light.

“Lily,” he whispered again, pulling her close to him and cupping her face.

She was in so, so deep, practically drowning in her feelings. It made her bold. “You were my first kiss,” she admitted with a sad smile, eyes cast down. It felt like such a silly thing to confess to. It was strange the significance it still held given everything that had happened since. Lily exhaled. That kiss had been one of the happiest moments of her life, before the next day had come and ruined the memory.

“You were mine, too.” Lily’s eyes snapped up to his. _What?_ Off of her disbelief he smiled. “I’d been working up the courage to kiss you for three years before that.”

Why did this revelation hurt so badly? How had they fucked this up? “I didn’t know that.”

It was James’ turn to look regretful. “Yeah. I didn’t know about you either, but I hoped it was.” He chewed on his lip for a beat. “You know, we were crushing on each other for so long, I had high hopes.” Lily couldn’t help but let out a dry chuckle. He was just so _James._ “But then when Mary said you’d already had sex that summer, it just kinda tainted it.”

“That’s not fair.” Lily’s brows scrunched. “And you know that’s not true now.” She was amazed they were able to have such a civil conversation about their feelings. Hell, she was surprised they could even have any sort of conversation at this decibel. They were speaking so softly, as though the stars above could judge their romantic musings.

“I know. I couldn’t help that’s how I felt though.” He ran one of his hands through his hair. “In my head, you were already mine at that point. So it hurt like hell.”

They held each other’s gaze for a long time as the words washed over her. She _had_ been his. He was so stupid to not have seen that. She took his jittery hand in hers and brought it to her lips comfortingly; she could tell he had more to say.

James looked away first. “So yeah, I fucked around for a bit. I backed off, tried dating other chicks. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

_It hurts, fuck it hurts._ How had they let this happen to them? Lily forced in a breath. How cruel was it that her lie had all but pushed him into the arms of other women? How different could their lives had been if she’d just been **honest** with him?

James reached out and wrapped a loose tendril of her hair around his finger. “I still can’t stop.” He wet his lips and Lily felt hypnotized. “Do you…” his hazel eyes were oddly pleading, “do you think that we’ve ruined everything?”

He smelt like pine. “I don’t know,” Lily whispered. “I hope not, but…” _I’m trying_ _so hard_ _to trust you again. I don’t know how to act_ ** _normal_** _around you. I would literally do anything for you and that scares the shit out of me._ Lily sucked in a lungful of air. “… this isn’t exactly healthy.”

James’ face fell. It looked like they were both praying the other would object. His hand dropped to his side, defeated. “Yeah. You’re right.”

Lily felt a tear trickle down her cheek. “It shouldn’t be this hard, James.” Lily knew she was special to him. She knew that she meant more to him than the other girls he’d had in his life — she just didn’t know if it was enough.

“Can we try though?” His words felt like a lifebuoy, keeping her above water. “It doesn’t have to be anything official, if you’re still not ready for that, but like…” He was so friggin’ cute when he was searching for words, looking at his feet.

Lily helped him out. “I mean, I’m coming over for Christmas, aren’t I?”

James looked back up at a her glowing. “Yeah, you are.” His confidence filled him up once more. “So Evans.” He took a step back and spun in the grass with his arms wide. "You have a fantasy of shagging the Gryffindor Captain on the pitch, eh?”

Lily leaned into his levity and shrugged one shoulder, tilting her head. “Eh, any ol’ Captain will do. You’re just the only one on call.”

James’ jaw dropped. “Evans! Why you little…” Lily giggled as she tried running away from him, dodging and weaving until he tackled her to the ground. “You know,” he breathed, propped up just above her face, “you still owe me a rule two.”

“How’d you figure?” Lily asked panting beneath him.

“Well,” he kissed her temple, her cheek, the corner of her lip, “you ran away in the middle of our first time, so…”

“That was _not_ our first time, James.”

“Eh, to me it is. And I still have your panties from it.” He smirked at her scandalized expression.

“You are such a little freak! Collecting my bras _and_ my knickers?!”

James nuzzled into her cheek, tickling her with his chuckles. “You gave me so many blue balls, Lily, I kept them for— what was it you said to me in detention? They were ‘imperative for survival purposes.’”

“First of all, _you_ gave me blue balls too—”

“Okay, but like, only _after—_ ”

“Secondly… how do you remember what I said to you back in _September_?” Lily tittered. She felt like she could lie here in this magic grass with James on top of her and the shooting stars above them forever.

“ _Evans_ , it was practically the most savage thing anyone’s ever said to me. It was _scarring._ That and the broomstick thing.” He shuddered.

Lily pushed some of his hair back off of his forehead, relishing in the way it made James’ eyes flutter closed. “All right. Well, rules are rules, James.” She grinned at him. “Do what you must, I suppose.”

And did he ever. James leisurely undressed them, taking his time to kiss her freshly exposed skin with every article he stripped from her body, his hands moving slowly and methodically as he caressed every curve and crease. His eyes rarely left hers, flexing his gravitational pull, leaving Lily powerless to fight it. Her legs wrapped around his bare waist as she drew him in closer and closer to her core. But it was never quite close or deep enough. As he buried himself within her, as he made love to her, she wanted more, she wanted _all_ of him _._ His kisses were sweet fire, his touches barely contained electricity, and she was a mess.

A happy, crying, whimpering, in love mess. She was in _love_. She could no longer deny it to herself. She loved James Potter, plain and simple.

☆☆☆

**_February? 6th Year_ **

_No! You’re not watching that, you’re not watching, it’s private—_ Lily’s head screamed as flashes of James’ face, hovering above hers, looking at her with so much love that it poured out of his very soul ( _how didn’t I see that sooner?_ ), were probed forth.

“Aw. How sweet,” Voldemort’s high voice taunted as Lily felt like a fishing rod had been extracted from inside her skull. It was out, but the hook was still sunken into her memory of realizing she was in love with James in the Room of Requirement. “Fascinating space, none of my other servants have alerted me of it.”

Lily cradled her throbbing head, as though trying to keep all her most precious memories from spilling out. “What are you doing to me?” she moaned weakly.

“It will prove to be most useful.” He walked around her, bound on the floor in this godforsaken cavernous room. “Curious,” he continued, pondering aloud as though Lily was no more than an insignificant fly on the wall. “Why you? Why the accountant? I’m still not picking up on the connection between the two of you. How are you linked?” He stroked his wand with his spindly fingers. “At first I thought it obvious: one man, one woman. Surely that meant a child, a child who could defeat me… but no. Unless it is forced perhaps?” He paced around her, reddish eyes gleaming. “No. Your side would never hero the product of _that_.” He smiled, or at least, his lips were doing what normal, non wax-faced monsters did when they smiled. Something in his past had obviously tickled him. “Besides, you’re both fools, hopelessly in love with other people,” he spat as though it was the most repulsive notion in the world.

Voldemort looked down to Lily’s crumpled form, sneering disgustedly. “A Mudblood teenager. I have to **keep** a pathetic _Mudblood girl_.” He pointed his wand at Lily. “You will show me your secrets.”

Lily let out a bloodcurdling scream as she felt her mind being assaulted once more.

☆☆☆

**_December, 6th Year_ **

Lily had an uneasy feeling on the last day of exams as she was about to start packing her bag to go to Potter manor. It was a nagging little chirp that she just couldn’t shake.

She realized she had to tell James what Snape had said to her. If her suspicions were right, and Dumbledore’s precautions actually were for her benefit, she couldn’t just go to his home and put them all in danger. It wasn’t right.

She walked up to the Marauders’ room and tentatively knocked on the door. “Come in!” she heard Sirius yell.

Lily took a deep breath and pushed open the door. It looked like all the boys had left their packing until last minute too. “Lily!” Sirius cried out happily. “Great, you can be a real pal,” he shot the other boys a nasty look, clearly they hadn’t entertained him, “and run through the list of what I might be forgetting. I already have,” he ticked off each on his fingers, “toothbrush, ugly Christmas sweater, wank off material, and… those are the essentials right?”

Lily chuckled uncomfortably. “Actually, I came to speak to James.” She turned to him and powered through before she lost the nerve. “I don’t think I can come.”

All his friends turned to look at him as though scared for his reaction. He just looked sad. “Why?”

“Well,” she sat down on Sirius’ bed, facing James with a big sigh, “Snape said something to me last week—”

Sirius jumped to attention, looking ready to fight. “What he say?” Lily wasn’t sure if Sirius’ anger was due to his newfound loyalty to Lily or because of his deep-seated hatred of Snape… but that the loyalty part was even a possibility was a very nice change that she wholeheartedly appreciated.

Lily continued, “And I thought I could handle it by myself, but with all these rules Dumbledore’s applying to this break that apparently aren’t there for anyone else,” she’d checked with the only other Muggle-born in their year, “it’s got me thinking it could be pretty serious. And I don’t want any of you to be in danger because of me.”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down,” James said softly, coming to sit next to her. The care in his actions made her realize just how frazzled she must look. Truth be told it _was_ nice to share your problems with friends — to selfishly lessen the load onto someone else. His arm came to rest around her shoulders. “What he say?”

Sirius looked at her encouragingly while Remus and Peter stood a little farther back looking weary. “He told me that Voldemort’s interested in me for some reason.” James’ arm flexed angrily and Sirius snarled. “He basically asked me to join him.”

“I knew that little slime-ball was already a Death Eater! _I knew it!_ ” Sirius exclaimed in a very I-told-you-so way.

James ignored him, pressing Lily. “Why? I don’t understand.”

Lily looked at him. He looked as scared as she felt. “I don’t either. Everyone knows I’m Muggle-born.” She tugged on her hair nervously. “At first I thought Snape was just leading me on, you know, finding another way to lure me back into his orbit, but then you told me about Dumbledore’s new precautions for us and I’m afraid it’s for me.”

“Well fuck, now you’re **definitely** coming home with us,” Sirius said solemnly.

“What, no, I can’t ask you guys to risk—” Lily protested.

“You don’t have to,” James said simply. “I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

Lily made to object but Sirius cut her off. “Don’t worry, Rose,” he said with a smile. It was the first time Sirius had hinted at seeing her this summer. “He has _loads_ of practice with that.”

James chucked his own pillow at Sirius’ head, and somehow, Lily felt better.

☆☆☆

The next day, after saying goodbye to Peter and Remus, Marlene, Sirius, James, and Lily all went to Dumbledore’s office as they’d planned. Lily couldn’t help but notice Marlene looked like she was lost in her own world and rather flushed as though she’d just had her own special sendoff with a certain Slytherin. Earlier in the day, Adam had run up to Lily as the Gryffindors were returning to their tower after lunch. He’d given her a gift, a quick hug and wished her a Happy Christmas. Lily felt super embarrassed over the fact that she hadn’t gotten him anything yet, but he brushed it off saying it was no big deal. The entire walk back, James eyed the present in her hands like it was a ticking bomb. In her dorm, Lily opened it: it was a bottle of Firewhiskey with a note, “ _To my favorite Alchie. PS Don’t drink it without me!_ ” It had made Lily laugh.

“Everyone here?” Dumbledore asked happily, sporting a red Father Christmas hat and deep red robes. He was really committing to the season. “Mr Potter, you don’t mind if I tag along to say hello to your dear father, do you? As very much alike as you two are, I do feel as though I should pop by for a visit to the original.”

James nodded. How could he say no? So they all Flooed to his house, Dumbledore bringing up the rear.

Somehow, the mansion looked even bigger than Lily remembered it. Perhaps the depressing reason for last time’s visit had kept her from appreciating just how opulent everything was. In the corner of the room, a Christmas tree that rivaled the grandeur of those at Hogwarts stood glistening with lights and baubles. Lily tried to keep her mouth shut as she turned around, her gaze settling on the portrait of James’ mother above the fireplace they’d just come through. She knew it was his mother not because of the pictures at her wake, or that dreadful Boggart apparation she’d seen of her, but because of her startling resemblance to her son. She looked to be in her 20s in the photo and her hair jet black shone majestically, curled just so. _That smile. That mischievous twinkle in her eyes._ She was so incredibly beautiful. _Why are people always telling James he is just like his father?_

Sirius caught her staring as James was inundated by his two very sentimental and weepy house-elves. “That’s how they met, you know.”

“Sorry?”

“Euphemia and Fleamont. She modeled part-time to supplement the lousy pay she was getting from her job at the Ministry. This portrait is from one of Flea’s product shoots.” He smiled. “Way Dad tells it, it was love at first sight. She said anyone who hit on her while she was just trying to do her job was ‘creepy — thank you very much.’” Lily snorted. _Oh._ _That’s_ _why people think he’s like his dad._ Sirius grinned at her. “Sounds familiar right? Who knows how, but he wore her down eventually. Probably by showing her how completely bonkers he was for her; I hear chicks love that.” Lily gave him a side-eye and a shove. “Anyway, she was always trying to give me her old modeling contacts, bless her. She saw _talent_.” Sirius conspiringly slung his arm around Lily’s shoulders and whispered, “Us pretty people have to help each other out, you know. It’s a rough world out there for us.”

“What are you two muttering about over here?” James asked coming back to them after he’d disentangled himself from the elves. Seeing how much they loved him had made Lily’s heart skip another beat. He was going to give her a condition.

“Oh, don’t you mind, you wouldn’t understand.” Sirius winked to her as Lily chortled.

“Okay,” James answered skeptically. “Now, where’s my dad?”

“And where’s Dumbledore?”

When Marlene returned from the bathroom, the group set out to find the elder wizards. Mr Potter was in his study. Lily nearly gasped. True, she’d barely seen the man at the funeral, but he looked positively _ancient_ now, as though he’d aged twenty years in the past two.

“‘Lo Dad, we’re home,” James said neutrally.

Mr Potter’s eyes strayed from looking listlessly out the window over his grounds to his only biological child. “James? Son, what are you doing home?” he asked thoroughly confused.

“Dad,” James said patiently, “it’s Christmas, remember? Sirius and Marlene are here.” He pointed them out.

“Oh, right, right,” he said looking distracted. Lily wasn’t sure if he’d understood and the whole exchange was breaking her heart.

“And this is Lily.”

James put his hand on her lower back, and she freaked out, dipping into a curtsy. Sirius sniggered. _Well, what_ ** _is_** _the proper response to being reintroduced to the father of the boy I’ve been defiling every other night?!_ “Thank you for letting me stay in your home, sir.” Now even James was smirking at her, as if amused by her polite side.

To everyone in the room’s great surprise, Fleamont smiled grandly. “Lily Evans?”

“Y-yes, sir,” Lily stuttered.

Mr Potter reached for her with a shaky hand and kissed the back of hers. Behind her she heard Sirius whisper to James that their dad was trying to steal his girl. Then there was a yelp as his foot got stomped on. “There’s a name I haven’t heard in a while. My son wouldn’t shut up about you for about three years straight.” She could almost see a spark in his hazel eyes at the words. Almost.

“Dad…” James whined as Lily blushed.

“All right, that’s my cue. Marlene, let’s go set up our rooms! Dad, see you at dinner,” Sirius said.

“Sirius!” Mr Potter looked like he’d only just realized he was there. “Sirius, my boy, how was school?” Sirius bent over to give the frail man a (gentle) bear hug. “Good, good. But you’re in luck! You know how you’re always wanting to talk me and James’ ear off about Potions? Lily here is the best in our class at it, so I’m sure she’d looooove to hear you talk about it for hours.”

Mr Potter looked at him blankly. “Who’s Lily?”

☆☆☆

As they all trudged upstairs to unpack their bags that the elves had brought up to the rooms, Lily’s heart broke for the boys on either side of her.

It broke for Sirius, who had been ostracized by his own family for being decent. Who had had to run away and found a new family, only for that new mother to die and that father to seemingly be on the verge of leaving him too. At least he would always have a true brother.

It broke for James, who had lost his mother — who she remembered him describing as being the rock of the family. She remembered teasing him in 1st year about the sheer number of doting letters he so eagerly received from her and calling him a ‘mama’s boy.’ His response had been a proud, ‘Yeah, so?’ And now she was gone, and his father had lost his will to live without her. How painful must it be for James to be the one left behind, screaming, ‘I’m still here, live for me! _Love me!_ ’?

With a sickening pit in her stomach, Lily realized they were all about to be orphans at far too young an age.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Yay! She officially is admitting to herself she's in love! Took you long enough Lily ;) Also, if that line she thinks while Voldemort is in her head sounds familiar — it's the exact same one that Harry thinks when Snape is in his head!**


	24. Answers

**_Christmas Holiday, 6th Year_ **

The house-elves had put her stuff in the room right next to James’ (Sirius’ door was already directly opposite his) and Lily strongly suspected it was at his behest.

The first night there, they’d had a calm yet thoroughly wonderful dinner all together. Dumbledore had finally reappeared by the soup entrée and bid them a hasty adieu saying he didn’t want to intrude on Fleamont’s quality time with his children. He had pulled Lily aside for a moment and made her solemnly swear that she would not leave the grounds all break until she Flooed back to Hogwarts come January. She’d been desperate for answers, some sort of explanation for all the stealthy behavior, but as soon as she’d made to ask questions, he’d given her a hurried excuse of being late to a very, very important date ( _!_ ) and fled immediately. She had no idea how someone so powerful could be so strange. She couldn’t help but admire him.

When everyone was stuffed, Sirius insisted James hang with him in his room for some sort of annual tradition. James had given Lily an apologetic smile saying he’d visit her after they were done. So Lily found herself lounging on Marlene’s queen bed, the pair hearing sporadic explosions coming from down the hall.

“Do you know what they do in there?”

“Nah,” Marlene answered. “I stopped trying to find out after 2nd year. They singed off my pigtails when I tried sneaking into the room.”

“Well, that’s rude.”

“Yeah, whatever, we know they can be arses,” Marlene said flippantly as she rolled onto her belly, staring at her nails. “Lily, can I ask you something personal?”

Lily propped herself onto her palm. “Shoot.”

Not daring to make eye contact, Marlene squeaked, “How did you know you were ready to have sex?”

“Oh,” Lily coughed, caught off guard, “um… I’m not sure actually.”

Marlene glanced at her. “So it was a spur of the moment sort of thing?”

Lily blushed, thinking about all the times James had ambushed her, in detention and the common room, before they’d finally done the deed. “Not exactly.” How could Lily explain this? She wasn’t even exactly sure how everything had happened herself. “I just, couldn’t wait any longer _not_ trying it, if that makes sense?” She shrugged _. James just made me so horny that I was going to combust if I didn’t shag him already._ “And it turned out I really liked it. Why? Are you thinking about…? _”_

Marlene sighed, “Yeah.” She bit her lip. “I think I really want to.”

“Well, that’s exciting!” Lily found it weird to be the one dispensing any sort of knowledge on this topic. Mary had always been the one who did stuff with boys first. “So you and Evan haven’t yet?”

It was Marlene’s turn to blush. “No. I mean, we’ve done other stuff… And it’s all been really great.”

Lily giggled. “Oh yes, the infamous, ‘other stuff’.”

Marlene got even redder. “I just really like him, you know?”

“Yeah.” She did. But she also would feel like an absolute shite friend if she didn’t bring something up, at least once more. “Look, Marlene, I know you don’t want to hear it — but you’re positively _sure_ he’s not part of Voldemort’s gang?” She didn’t want to come off as bigoted, but she didn’t want them to be naive about things either.

Marlene looked her dead in the eye, all traces of mirth wiped clean from her face. “100 percent. I wouldn’t be into him if he were. _I know him_ , Lily. He’s a good person. I’d bet my life on it. Hell, I’d bet my whole family’s lives on it.”

Lily jerked her head back. “Well, don’t do that.”

“I’m serious. Evan Rosier is a good man.”

“Okay.” Lily nodded her head. She had no hard evidence on the contrary, just a handful of rumors and the knowledge that he was a Slytherin. “I believe you. Besides, you’ll find out before you sleep with him either way.”

“Huh?” Marlene looked confused.

“I take it you haven’t seen him shirtless yet then?” Lily asked.

“Um, no?”

Lily bit the inside of her cheek. It definitely wasn’t the best sign, but who knew, maybe not everyone was as obsessed with abs as she was. Maybe it was less of a matter of Rosier avoiding taking his shirt off because he had something to hide and more of Marlene simply not demanding it yet. _Maybe not everyone is banging James Potter with his perfect, fit, bod…_ “Well, once you do, you’ll get to see if he’s a Death Eater or not,” Lily explained. “They all have an ugly-ass skull and snake tattoo on their forearms.”

“ _What?!_ ” Marlene exclaimed. “You’re _joking._ ”

“I wish I was.”

“Why?! I mean, that’s so stupid.”

“Yup.”

“So you’re telling me,” Marlene continued, waiting for Lily to yell ‘just kidding!’ at any moment, “that people involved in the one of the most hateful, violent, and illegal gangs in the world right now _mark_ themselves as part of that gang?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Are they idiots?”

“I mean, yeah, kinda,” Lily mused.

“Merlin! Well, isn’t it super easy to catch them all then? Like, we should be looking at everyone’s arms in class, making sure there are no psychos lurking about the halls.”

“Well, I’m already sure about Avery and Snape. But who knows how many more there are. Would help if the dress code didn’t have us in long sleeves.”

“How to catch a predator: enforce sluttier dress codes.” Lily didn’t stop laughing at Marlene’s joke for a solid minute. After Lily had settled, it turned out Marlene had another question for her. “What about you? I mean, I know we’re in James’ house, and you guys are clearly having a ton of sex,” Lily’s eyes widened but it wasn’t like she could refute it, “but… what’s going on exactly? Because I see you also hanging out with Adam…? And he’s really attractive and clearly smitten with you too. So, do you still not know?”

Lily took her pillow and brought it over her face, clearly hiding. “Mmyh Eh Nh.”

Marlene tried to pull the pillow off of her mouth. “What was that?”

Lily lowered it so she was no longer muffled but only her eyes peeked out as she clung to the fluffy feathers desperately. She felt like such a girl — and she kind of dug it. “Yeah, I know.”

Marlene shook her. “ _Well?!_ ” she asked impatiently.

Lily knew she was probably as red as a fire engine. “It’s always been James.”

Marlene threw her head back with a bark of laughter. “What?! _You still like him?_ ”

“Shut up!” Lily tossed the pillow at the blonde’s face. “ _He’s right down the hall!_ ” she whispered anxiously.

Marlene took the pillow and added it under her chest. “Like that matters. He’s been crazy about you since the moment he first saw you.”

“That’s not true…” Lily brushed off.

Marlene rolled her eyes. “Merlin, come off it. Everyone knows that. You _must_ know that. Even when Brianna was dating him, **she** knew that. Why do you think she wouldn’t shut up about him every chance you were around? It was like she was pissing on her tree.” Marlene shrugged. “I thought you were just stringing him along now to be honest. Like exclusively for sex.” Lily must have made a face, because she continued, “I wasn’t judging. He’s treated you _awfully_ for a while now, more power to you if you just wanted a good shag-buddy.”

Lily took a deep breath. “Yeah. Do you think I’m stupid though? For falling for someone who treated me like that?”

Marlene studied her. “Honestly? No. I get it, he put on this whole sort of bad boy charm. It’s an utter farce of course,” Marlene said like it was obvious. “He’s the biggest goof, how can he at all be a bad boy? An asshole, sure, but a _bad boy?”_ She snorted. “But maybe I’m biased. Anyway, I could see how that would be sexy though.”

Lily felt the overwhelming need to defend herself. “That’s the thing though, I liked him _before_ he started being a dick. It’s like I still like him, _despite_ whatever he’s got going on now.”

Marlene’s face scrunched in contemplation. “Oh.” She took a beat. “Does he know that?”

“Well, no—”

“Okay, Lily, well then you gotta tell him that!” Marlene was on a roll.

“You think?” Lily asked shyly, already nervous about the inevitable moment when she would.

“Yes! Come on, you know boys can be totally daft! For all we know, maybe he’s keeping up the facade just because he thinks that’s what you like.” Marlene let out a scoff. “Wouldn’t be a stretch, I mean, isn’t that when you guys started… doing whatever it is that you’re doing?”

Lily was torn between pulling the pillow out from under Marlene and hitting her with it again and kissing her for her insight.

☆☆☆

There was a soft knocking on Lily’s door that night as she sat in her bed, writing in her diary. “Come in!” Her hopes were immediately met when she saw a messy mop of hair poke in.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Lily replied softly, smiling as James closed the door behind him.

“I swear this isn’t a booty call. Sirius and I just got a little carried away.” His eyes drifted. “Then again, I made that ridiculous claim before I saw you in this nightgown.”

Lily grinned proudly. She’d totally packed the silky ocean blue number for him. When she’d picked it out at the end of the summer, she dared to dream she’d have a reason to wear it eventually. “That’s good, because you practically bought it.” She snapped her notebook closed.

James’ eyebrows shot up his forehead. “Me?” He walked to her and scooted up the bed, settling beside her. His fingers confidently trailed along one of the delicate straps. “Hogwash. I think I’d remember purchasing _this_ for you, Evans.”

Goosebumps made their way over her skin. “Fine, your aversion to doing maths when buying beer this summer bought it for me.”

He smiled wickedly. “What can I say? I’m bad with numbers.”

“Uh huh.” Lily eyed him skeptically. She happened to know he was actually _great_ with numbers. “Want to play a game?”

James smirked. “Always. But can I show you something first?”

Lily shrugged. “Okay.”

James bit his tongue between his teeth as he pulled out his wand. “Relax, you’ll like this one.” He said a fancy incantation towards the wall in front of them, making the surface glow bright purple before returning back to its previous pale green. “Go touch it,” he encouraged.

Lily looked at him extremely warily. “What?”

“Go on,” he said, pushing her forward by the butt. Lily had no doubt he was just using this as an excuse to touch her. “Don’t be a chicken.”

“I’m _not_ a chicken, Potter. I just don’t want to be trapped in some alternate reality for the rest of my life.”

James rolled his eyes. “ _Why_ would I send you to an alternative reality if I wasn’t already there? Just go touch it.” She tiptoed to directly in front of the wall then shot him one last look over her shoulder. “Merlin, Lily, I didn’t have to try to convince you this hard to touch my—”

Lily took a bold step forward towards the wall, but instead of hitting it as she assumed she would, she felt her body being sucked through it like it was warm butter. When she opened her eyes, she was very much standing in James’ room. _Oh my god…_ She laughed to herself, shaking her head. _Oh, he absolutely_ ** _would_** _do this._ Her eyes roamed the deep red room curiously. It was almost exactly how she remembered it in 4th year: family portraits, Marauder selfies, Quidditch posters… She wasn’t sure why, but the discovery completely threw her. He’d changed so much in two years, she was so sure his room would have reflected that somehow.

Before she turned back, a silver frame on his nightstand caught her eye. The closer she got, the louder her heartbeat thudded in her ears. It was a picture of her, laughing shyly before covering her face with her hands in an endless loop. She vaguely remembered that day: it had been the end of 4th year, and James had stolen his dad’s Wizard’s camera to take a bunch of pictures ‘to get him through the summer.’ He’d acted like it was all about taking good shots of Hogwarts — his ‘home’ — but then while they were by the Great Lake he had unexpectedly turned the camera on her. She’d thought he was just goofing around, capturing a final throwaway shot at the end of his roll, not that he’d ever get her photo developed. _And framed._

She returned through the wall, her heart all but bursting.

“ _Oh, thank Merlin_ ,” James rushed out in one breath, slouching onto his palms while he was perched on the edge of her mattress. “I thought maybe I _had_ sent you to another dimension. Was about to write Padfoot a sappy goodbye letter and everything.”

Lily smirked walking back to him. “Please. Like you’d abandon your boyfriend like that.”

James reached for her, pulling Lily between his knees as he grinned up at her. “Well, I know you couldn’t _possibly_ live in a world without me, so I think I’d have to.”

Lily swatted at his chest, but James caught her wrist and held it there, right against his brilliantly beating heart.

His eyes shone brightly. “So, what do you think?” he asked genuinely.

“About?” The word nearly got stuck in her throat.

James shook his head like he was ready to admonish her pitiful attention span, but the pleased curve of his lips told a different story. He brought her caught hand to his mouth and kissed the inside of her wrist. “About that magic wall I just spent far too long researching to give us an easy, foolproof way to sneak around with each other this Christmas.”

His lips moved sensually up her forearm.

Lily tried to ignore them. “This is what you were doing when you were supposed to be studying for exams?” she asked breathlessly.

He gave her a wink. “This and you of course.”

Lily would never get over the unfairness of how smart he was without even trying. However, the sexy look he was giving her _was_ making it easier to forget in this current moment.

“Besides,” he wrapped his arms around her hips, “you know I’ve always been more into practical magic than theory. Not all of us can over-analyze everything like you.”

Lily snorted. “Well… how _does_ it work?”

James laughed. “You just can’t help yourself, can you? The spell has the same origin as the one they used on Platform 9 3/4. I can show you later if you’d like.”

Lily cocked an eyebrow as she rested her forearms onto his broad shoulders. “You know I’m not going to let you keep this up right?”

James pouted theatrically. “And why not?”

“Because: privacy, independence, this is your **dad’s** house.”

“Okay, ignoring that silly last one because I know you wouldn’t last three weeks either, don’t lie, I knew you’d say that, so hear me out. _Pineapple_ ,” he said firmly, making the wall briefly glow purple again behind her. “All you have to do is say our safe word, and it seals itself back up! It won’t become a passageway again until whoever said the safe word says it again. _Pineapple_.”

“That sounds like a great way to desensitize us to our safe word. _Pineapple_.”

James narrowed his eyes at her, reflecting the blazing purple. “Hm. Well, if you’d rather have me get mercilessly mocked every morning when Sirius catches me doing the walk of shame — because he will make it his mission to catch us, mark my words — that’s on you.” _Morning. Every morning._ Lily’s mind raced at his words. They’d never actually had a sleepover… was she weird to be a little nervous about the prospect? _Honestly Lily, he’s taken you in nearly every position that you’re aware exists, but sleeping together, actually_ ** _sleeping_** _, is what freaks you out?_ As if watching her minor freakout, James continued. “So, what’s this game you wanted to play?”

Lily smiled innocently and jumped up onto the bed, resting her head on a pillow and motioning for him to do the same. “You ever played Twenty Questions?”

“No, but I think I catch the gist. Can I ask twenty too, or is it 50/50?”

“You can too.”

“All right.” James adjusted his head on a pillow. Their bodies were facing the ceiling, but their faces were turned to each other. “Ladies first.”

“What were you and Sirius doing just now?” She figured she’d start with an easy one.

James chuckled. “I’m guessing I have to tell the truth to these questions?”

Lily snorted. “Naturally. And don’t even try lying, I can always tell.”

“What?” James asked, his brows twitching. “What do you mean?”

“You’re a terrible liar. Always have been.”

James jerked his head back. “That’s not true! I’m an amazing liar! Ask any teacher.”

“Bullshit. I can always tell. Your face gets weird.”

James’ lids went wide. “Does not! How does it get _weird_?”

Lily blushed a little. “I don’t know, you look… different. I don’t know how to describe it, but you just look off. And then I know you’re lying.”

His eyes flickered between hers. “Evans, that makes absolutely no sense. If you can tell when I’m lying, why do you never believe me?”

It was a great question. Lily deflected it. “Hey now, it’s my turn. Wait for your own.”

James chuckled and answered, “Every year, we start planning our pranks for the next semester our first day back to get the ball rolling. Believe it or not, they often require a lot of tinkering. And my dad’s a lot more forgiving of a blown out wall than McGonagall is. We may or may not know that for a fact.”

Lily’s eyes twinkled merrily. “Do you know that for a fact?”

He smiled roguishly. “Yes. But you stole my turn.”

“Oops.”

“Okay… what to ask, what to ask…”

“Really, Potter? You got nothing?” she teased.

“No Evans, I have too many questions, and I don’t want to waste a single one. You’re down to seventeen by the way.” Lily opened her mouth to protest, but James cut her off. “I got one: may I ask you hard questions?”

 _Huh._ She hadn’t expected that. “You’re wasting a question asking what type of questions you can ask?”

“It’s not a waste to me. Please answer.”

Lily sighed. “Yes, you may.”

“Is your favorite color still blue?”

Lily couldn’t help but burst out laughing. “That was your tough question?”

James relished in her amusement. “No, but I can’t just jump right in, can I? You know I like a little foreplay.”

Lily stuck her tongue out. “Yes, Potter. It’s still blue. How did you even know that?”

“I pay attention. Now,” he grinned as Lily realized she had indeed spent her turn, “how do I get you to trust me again?”

 _Woof. If I only knew the answer to that._ “U-um,” she stuttered as his gaze never left her. She could hardly manage to speak; why was he so enthralled? “I’m not sure.” She looked back at him; his gorgeous, otherworldly irises being all she could see. Suddenly she knew. “Just, keep doing what you’re doing,” she breathed. “Show me that I can.”

He nodded, the ghost of a smile on his lips. “I can do that.”

 _Oy._ How was this game turning into the hardest thing she’d done all semester, that damn Transfiguration exam included? “What’s your favorite color?”

His nose crinkled as he smiled widely. “Red.”

“Like your room.”

His gaze darted quickly to her hair and back. “Sure.”

“Your turn.”

“I’ll give you another one, since that one was weak,” James taunted.

“I literally asked the same one you did!” Lily argued. James opened his mouth, but Lily wasn’t stubborn enough to miss this opportunity. “Do you think your dad liked me?”

James' eyes softened instantly. “Are you kidding me? He loved you. I haven’t seen him light up like that in months.”

Lily let out a sigh of relief. “Okay, I just wasn’t sure, since he didn’t remember me right afterwards.”

A strange look overtook James’ face. “Don’t take that personally. He’s been that way ever since my mum died.”

Lily nodded. She felt like seeing his father had answered so many questions she had about him and Sirius. It turned out that they were two 16 year old boys ( _well, I guess Sirius is 17 now_ ) with zero supervision. It made some sense that they were pushing boundaries left and right, trying to stir up some form of reaction. She silently wondered if this was how McGonagall had basically become their new, extremely respected, stepmom at school. It seemed as though she meant a hell of a lot more to them than your average teacher, even if they made it weird sometimes.

“Is there anything I can do to please you more?”

Lily almost died with that question. _What on Merlin’s green earth does he think? Does he think it’s normal for a girl to come every single time, hell, MULTIPLE times each session?!_ “ _No_!” Lily practically shouted.

James bit his lip and looked over her body presumptuously. She guessed he’d earned that look. “I love that you took that question sexually.”

 _Holy shit, he didn’t specify, did he?_ “How do you know I was answering it sexually?”

He snorted. “Please, Evans. You may know if I’m lying, apparently, but I know when you’re horny. It’s really not that hard to tell.”

“How?”

“That an official question? You’re already halfway through…”

“Am not!” Lily had definitely not been counting.

“Fine, ask another,” he said casually.

Lily looked over his form, clad in a navy blue shirt and grey sweatpants. Why was seeing him in something so casual so erotic? The pants were baggy for Circe’s sake! “How many people have you slept with?” She knew it was personal as shit — but she would be lying if the question hadn’t been plaguing her for _months._

James let out a nervous laugh, looking down at his own chest. “I was wondering when that one would come up.”

“Sorry,” Lily said half-heartedly. It was very much said in a, ‘I apologize, but please answer as soon as possible,’ sort of way.

His eyes snapped to her. “You’re my third.”

“ _What?!_ No, but everyone says—”

“They’re just rumors, Lily. I’m pretty sure you know all about those.”

“But—” Lily’s mind was reeling. She’d heard so many girls talk… she’d heard _stories._ “What? Why didn’t you stop them then, if they were all so wrong?”

“By doing what exactly? Should I have made an announcement in the Great Hall? ‘Hi everyone! I know you’ve heard I’m a huge stud, but as it turns out, I _am_ a stud, just not quite that much of one. Please revise your impressions accordingly’?”

Lily pushed both her eyeballs into her skull, fulling lying on her back. “I can’t believe you.”

“Sure you can.” She didn’t have to see him to know he was doing his cocky, slanted smile. “It’s not like it was hurting my reputation. But I am glad to know you think I’m sexy enough to seduce the entire school.”

“You’re the worst.”

“No I’m not, Evans. Haven’t you heard? Apparently I’m the _best_ anyone’s ever had.”

“I know where you sleep, Potter. And thanks to you, I have easy access in, so I could kill you quite easily.”

“Again with the violence! Evans, you’re starting to worry me over here!” he joked. “But yeah,” he took a vulnerable inflection, “it turns out most girls aren’t really down to sleep with a guy still actively asking out another woman all the time.”

She didn’t have to ask to know that she was said woman. By the time exams rolled around in 5th year, she couldn’t go anywhere without one of his date propositions being thrown her way. _And you thought they were all in jest…_

“Who was the second? I obviously know about Brianna,” she grumbled.

“You sure you want to use another question—?”

“Yes. Tell me.”

James smirked. “Emmeline Vance.”

“ _What_?” Lily asked, honestly more impressed than jealous. “Last year’s Head Girl? _While you were a 5th year?_ ”

James shrugged haughtily. “What can I say? Older women **love** me.” Lily poked him in the ribs but it did little to deter him. “She was super stressed all the time and just wanted an outlet and I was more than happy to be her stress-ball.”

Lily grimaced. “Ugh.”

“She also didn’t care if I wasn’t interested in something romantic because she really wasn’t either. It was awesome. Mutually respectful. Great witch.”

“I’ll be sure to let her know.” Lily crossed her arms over her chest petulantly. The envy had snuck in with his high praise for someone who wasn’t her. “And you said only _I_ was attracted to titles…”

James slid closer to her, nudging her hip. “Come on now, don’t get jealous. You asked!”

It was true. But she could still be _somewhat_ jealous. “I’m not jealous.”

“You know something I love about you?” Lily couldn’t help but snap her face to him. He must be aware of how his words affected her so. “Your blush. It never lies to me.”

_Fucking traitorous pale skin._

“What’s your favorite breakfast?” he asked out of nowhere.

“Crêpes with dark brown sugar. Why?” For a second, Lily truly had forgotten they were playing a game.

James gave her an odd look. “Really? Not with chocolate?”

“I don’t _always_ eat chocolate, James. That would hardly be a well-balanced breakfast, now would it?”

James rolled his eyes. “Better an unbalanced one than none at all. And please, you and Remus both use that stuff to self-medicate like crazy.”

He did have a point. _That shit is good._ “Well, maybe I don’t need as much of it anymore because I’m happy.”

His face shifted to serious. “Are you?” he asked hopefully.

She smiled at him shyly, as if admitting to an enormous secret. “Yes. I think I am.” They stared at each other for a long beat, perfectly content, until Lily had to giggle away. She felt so damn silly. “Okay, let’s go back to that horny thing—”

“Evans! We were having a moment!”

“It’s _my_ question! How do you know?”

“Your eyes,” he sighed exasperatedly. “You have the most expressive eyes of anyone I’ve ever met. Doesn’t hurt that they’re all bright and beautiful and doe-sized.” They both blushed at this, and Lily felt herself melting. He continued as if to cover for his admission, “So yeah, you just start eye-fucking me.”

“I should _never_ have taught you that.”

“I’m _so_ glad you did. Shows some real trust.”

“You’re a prat.” That earned her another half-smile and a wink.

“Okay, hard one,” he warned. “What did you see when you encountered the Boggart? I couldn’t tell.”

Lily looked back up to the ceiling. She didn’t think she’d be this acquainted with it on her first night at Potter manor. _At least not like this…_ “Ah. Yeah.” James’ hand crept closer over the sheets, interlocking pinkies with her and soothing her worries. He made her feel safe. “It was nothingness. Just… complete blackness.” She exhaled deeply. “Couldn’t see, hear, or feel anything. It was fucking terrifying.” He turned on his side to fully face her. “I think it was trying to represent my own depression. Showing me what I was scared it would do to me. You know, totally take over every facet of my life.”

“I’m glad it didn’t.”

She rolled over to him, not breaking their pinkies. “Me too.”

“I was scared,” James whispered.

“What?”

His eyes were so true, roving over her face. “I was scared it would take you too. Fuck Lily, I was so scared.” Lily’s brows creased, but he reached out with his free hand and smoothed them out with his thumb. He looked like he wanted to say more, but held himself back.

“I’m sorry.” And she was. She’d never been aware just how much pain _her_ pain had caused him.

His hand migrated to cup her cheek, his thumb gently stroking away. “Don’t be. I’m glad you’re back.”

She gave him a small smile. “My turn.” Oh, she was going to work up the nerve, she was, she was, she just needed a couple more easier questions first. “Did you pay for my books this year?” James’ whole body froze, except for his nose which scrunched awkwardly. ”I’m not mad,” Lily clarified, “if you did…”

“You’re not?” James asked, still visibly scared for her possible oncoming reaction.

“No. I mean, it’s embarrassing, but I really needed them. So thank you.”

His body reanimated. “It shouldn’t be embarrassing. No 16 year old should have been under as much pressure as you were. I just wanted to help.”

Her eyes flickered to his lips. Oh how she wanted to kiss him, but she knew that would effectively end their game, and she wasn’t done yet. “Thank you. You sneaky bastard.”

“Of course. Thanks for not getting mad.”

“Anytime,” Lily laughed. She’d really done a number on him, hadn’t she?

“How do you truly feel about me?”

“Pineapple,” Lily spat out without thinking, and then was immediately overtaken with deep shame. _Why are you like this?_ She mentally kicked herself. She could feel him tearing her walls down brick by brick, and he was doing so, _so_ perfectly, but it was still just so much. And she felt like she had to cave in increments. “Sorry,” her eyes implored him in anguish, “not yet.”

Somehow he understood. “Okay,” he said simply. Lily suddenly had the feeling that he already knew anyway; he just wanted to hear her say it. _Maybe he wants me to embrace it like he has._ “Can I ask how it was so easy for you to cut me out of your life last year instead?”

If anyone else had asked, she may have sensed tension, or acrimony, in these words. But with James, she didn’t. She could tell he genuinely wanted to know. His unspoken message seemed to be, ‘Because it hurt like hell for me.’ “It wasn’t easy,” she admitted sadly. “It was so fucking hard.”

“Then why’d you do it?”

“James,” she sighed, “I already told you: you broke my heart. I was the girl you’d rejected. It would have been extra sad if I just stayed around and waited for you to change your mind.” She let out a wretched laugh, trying not to cry. “I really thought you were playing me afterwards. I didn’t get it…” she trailed off. She still didn’t ‘get it.’ She knew what to ask: “What did your Boggart mean?” _It all has to come down to fear… doesn’t it?_

James chewed on his lip for a beat, pulling his glasses off and placing them behind him on her nightstand, buying himself some time. They were close enough on the pillows that he could still see her perfectly. “I… my whole life, everyone’s told me I’m just like my father, I’m just like my father. It’s always seemed so silly to me, because he was always so serious and a Head Boy and what not… But then,” he swallowed heavily, “when my mum got sick… I saw what they meant.” His beautiful irises shied away from her to their clasped fingers. “You know she got cancer.”

“Yes.” She pulsed his pinky supportively.

“Well, I don’t think I ever told you how it was treatable.” He drew in a big, shaky breath. “Or, at least, it would have been. She’d been feeling ‘under the weather’ for months and months, but whenever my dad wanted to take her to Mungo’s, to get it checked out, she’d insist she was fine. She must have told us ‘I’m fine’ like a hundred times.” Lily got a queasy feeling in her stomach; she hated how well she knew that phrase. “But obviously she wasn’t. By the time she collapsed, it had metastasized all over her body.” Her pinky didn’t feel comforting enough, so she brought her left hand over to rub his forearm. He let out a sad snort. “They could have still saved her too, or at least tried too. The magic was there, but it was going to be really grueling and painful. And she didn’t want it.” He ran his hand through his hair, still staring at a spot he couldn’t actually see. “And my dad let her. My dad let her give up, knowing he couldn’t live without her, and that I co— he let her—” James choked on the words, his eyes glistening with the tears he was trying desperately to hold back. Lily snuggled closer to kiss his shoulder, feeling completely hopeless to lessen his heartache. “So yeah. A little part of me blames him. Because he loved her _too_ much, because he didn’t insist she do everything.” A lone tear slid down his cheek. “And… I know I **am** just like him. Same sappy sort of prat who would do anything for love, even if it kills me.” James rubbed his face dry, forcing a chuckle. “So I guess that terrifies me.”

What could she even say to that? How could she comfort him? What could she do?

James let out a long, jagged stream of air from his lungs, piercing the silence. “I guess that’s why I step over boundaries sometimes. Just seeing you like… how you were earlier, it just sort of triggered me, you know? I couldn’t lose anyone else.”

The wobble of his voice was stabbing at her heart, making her crumble too. “You’re not going to lose me, James.”

“You didn’t—” he tried. “You didn’t see yourself, Lily.” His brows creased as he fought his tears again. “It was like I already did. You weren’t eating, you didn’t look like you were sleeping. I felt like when you fought with me was the only time I knew you were even still there. I had to fight with you, I had to piss you off. Because at least when you were angry, I knew you hadn’t given up yet. When you were yelling and screaming at me, I knew I hadn’t lost you yet. You don’t know how scared I was last year, Lily. You just walked around like a complete fucking zombie. I was afraid you were going to kill yourself.” They both let the weight of his words hit them. _Hard_. “I didn’t know how to help you, and… and you already hated me.” He looked down, broken. “So I really didn’t have that many options.”

An icy fist was clenching around Lily’s heart. “Please don’t worry about me,” she whispered, flush against him now. “ _Please_.”

He let out a pitiful laugh. “I’m always going to worry about you, Lily. Always.” James reached out and buried his hand in her hair, pulling her forehead against his. “You’re fucking stuck with me.” Lily let out a little laugh, clutching his wrist at her face. “I missed you so much,” he whispered. And then he kissed her, like it was literally the only possible thing he could do in that moment.

After the kiss, Lily pulled back slightly, gasping for air, fully crying herself now. “Christ,” she muttered. She quickly brought his hand to her lips, trying to show him she wasn’t pulling away from **him**. A girl just needs to breathe sometimes.

James summoned a blanket and wrapped it around them. Lily smiled at the Snitch patterns, zooming about lazily as he tucked it behind her back lovingly. “Sorry that was a lot,” he mumbled.

“No,” she answered right away, making him look at her. “It wasn’t. I needed to hear all that.”

“Want to ask your twenty-third question?” he asked innocently.

Lily snorted. “Of course you counted, Mr I’m-so-bad-with-numbers.”

James shrugged. “Maybe I’m only good when I want to be.”

A devilish grin overtook Lily’s face. “Oh, I believe that.”

“Naughty. Always making it sexual, Evans.”

“You bring it out of me, Potter.” Lily snuggled closer into him. “Okay, how’d you get your scars?”

“Which scars? I’m perfectly flawless.”

Lily rolled her eyes, bringing her fingers up to the corner of his eye. “That one,” she dragged her hand to the hem of his shirt and yanked it over to reveal his collarbone, “and that one.”

James looked pleased she’d been paying this close attention to his physique. “The eyelid is from a spell we tried gone wrong—” he flinched in surprise when Lily perched up and gave him a light kiss on the spot, “— and this one is from Quidditch. I got hit by a Bludger, nasty break, but I refused to see the healer right away until we won. Hence by the time she fixed it, it left a scar.” He was ready for Lily’s lips brushing up against his sensitive skin this time.

“They’re hot.” Lily winked.

“Well, don’t tell me that. Now I’m just going to go and _try_ to get more—”

“No,” Lily demanded. “Absolutely not. Please don’t do that.”

“Only because you asked nicely.” They were wrapped around each other so tightly now that Lily wasn’t sure where she ended and he began. How was this night one of holidays? She was so screwed. “Can I ask you a final question?” he breathed.

Lily kissed his chin. “I bet you’re just as over the limit as I am, but sure.”

He pushed some of her hair back, his fingers tracing the entire length of her ear delicately. “What’s the question you’ve been trying to ask me this whole game?”

 _Fuck._ Lily stared at him, warm and too good to be true right up against her. She was his and he was hers, just as they’d always been. Just as they’d always be. Maybe he was right: maybe he really did know her better than she knew herself. Clearly, he’d seen her struggle to ask him something she desperately needed an answer to. It felt so selfish to bring it up now though, after everything he’d just confessed. After all the tears they’d shed. She didn’t want to ruin the moment, she didn’t want—

“Please?” His voice cut through all her inner musings.

 _I can do this. It’s just a question. It doesn’t define my entire existence or anything._ “Why did you pull away after our first date?”

Lily felt his whole body relax against hers. It was like she had finally given him the chance to explain himself after years of him trying. He kissed her forehead before he began, lips lingering there in anticipation. He pulled back, looking her dead in the eye so she wouldn’t miss a word. “Lily, I was scared I was falling in love with you.” _Holy shit._ “We were only 15, and I could see my whole life with you and it fucking scared the shit out of me. I knew it was too much too fast; I knew it was too intense.” Lily knew she wasn’t breathing anymore, but honestly, she no longer cared. _Fuck oxygen._ “But Lily, I’m not that boy any longer and I know what I want now. I’m **_not_** scared of it anymore. ”

She leaned forward to kiss him, hoping her body could give him all the reassurance that she was on the same page as him that her words couldn’t quite say yet. She hoped he could feel her soul, clambering to be with him, from the way she kissed him. She wanted this so badly. She wanted **him**. _He told you he’s falling in love with you…_

When they finally broke free, James held her chin to him, this thumb tugging on her swollen lower lip. “We should play games more often, Lily. I sure like where they bring us.”

She laughed. “These kind of games, sure,” she whispered. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever felt closer to another human being.

“Lily, can we please break rule four tonight?” Lily gave him the cutest dazed look, so he added, “It’s the one about no cuddling.”

Lily nodded, pretending like she was really giving him a win here. (She knew there was currently nothing she wanted more.) “Yeah. Yeah, okay, I guess just for one night.”

James grinned pulling her under his chin and tangling his legs with hers under the blanket. It wasn’t until James’ breathing had fallen into a rhythmic, slow pace and she was convinced he was asleep that Lily uttered a barely audible, “ _I love you_.”

It wasn’t until Lily gave him a small kick, and James was absolutely positive that she _was_ asleep that he allowed himself a huge smile.


	25. Merry Fucking Christmas

**_Christmas Holiday, 6th Year_ **

Lily awoke the next morning from the greatest fucking dream of her life. Or at least, she thought it was, until she opened her sleepy eyes. _Holy fucking shit. He’s here. It was_ _real_ _._ Lily fought the dueling urges to either run far away or attack him with her mouth. He looked so fucking cute while he was sleeping. All the worry and angst and various masks he wore throughout the day were wiped clean and all that was left was: James. _My James._ Somehow, his parted lips smelt great ( _that’s it, he’s sold his soul to the devil_ ) and his hair was **even** messier than usual. She couldn’t believe that he must actually _try_ to tame it in his waking hours then. She could play with his damn hair all day.

But then she realized what she was feeling against her bare thigh under the Snitch blanket. Suddenly, she had a strong suspicion he wasn’t wearing trunks under his sweatpants. _Fucking relax, Lily._ She tried calming herself down. However, when she looked back up to his face, she saw he was now awake too, and his hazel eyes were reflecting the same need she knew was painted in hers.

Without taking another second to think, she pushed her breasts achingly against his chest as she captured his lips with hers, pushing his trousers down so she could grab his morning wood. She tugged up and down his shaft, letting him know just how badly she needed him right now. He just as desperately reached under her silk gown and pulled her knickers to the side. As they continued their frenzied kiss, she felt him groping around her nightstand blindly for his wand, finally finding it and casting a lubing spell on his cock. Ready to go, he pushed himself over and into her shamelessly in one fluid motion, guided by her hand. It seemed as though they were both eager to cement the feelings they’d confessed the night before, eager to assure each other (and of course, themselves) that it hadn’t all been a fever dream concocted to fulfill their wildest fantasies.

But despite the rushed pace at which they’d begun, Lily wasn’t sure if they’d ever made love as slowly then now, fully clothed, hopelessly trying to make each other whole with their bodies.

Lily watched James’ face, staring at her, as he became enraptured by the feel of her, looking both pained and unreasonably pleasured at the same damn time. She was mesmerized by his body, the way it moved on top of hers in her favorite dance, lithe and completely hers. She kissed at his neck, needing something tangible to tether herself to.

“Lily…” His vocal cords vibrated along her lips with his deep, scratchy, barely-awake muttering. “Let’s start every morning like this.”

She laughed, dropping her head back. “Deal.” Despite the carefreeness of his words, James Potter was doing what he did best: giving her unyielding eye contact that made her toes curl. “What?” she moaned, slightly self conscious under his scrutiny. He was giving himself to her so deep, seeing how far he could go, and she felt her body blissfully stretching to accommodate him.

“Everything,” he breathed.

She giggled again. “You’re supposed to say ‘nothing’, James.” She raked her fingernails over his scalp, clenching her muscles around him.

His brows scrunched as he groaned out. “I said what I said, Lily.”

☆☆☆

After they’d both finished, they went to their separate bathrooms to freshen up, leaving Lily alone with her thoughts in the shower. She’d practically had to push him through the wall herself as James had insisted that he was ‘actually an excellent shower buddy’ and could ensure that Lily ‘got all her nooks and crannies thoroughly cleaned and squeaky.’ As appealing as that offer sounded, Lily needed to _think._ Everything was changing — and a lot. James had distracted her with his confessions so all-consumingly that not once had her mind strayed to Snape’s warning about Voldemort last night. Was she being dumb?

 _No,_ her inner monologue assured her. _James literally just told you everything you’ve ever wanted him to say._ Lily smiled to herself, touching her lips as the water washed over her. The number of times James had used the word ‘love’ alone had told her things were started to become different for him too. ‘ _I was falling in love with you…_ ’ Suddenly, Lily felt no more shame lingering in the back of her mind when she reminisced about their first date. It _had_ been special. It had been perfect. And he’d felt it too, but in a moment of weakness, pulled back. She guessed she couldn’t understand fearing you were turning into your parents so much — and making all the same heartbreaking mistakes for love that they had — that you’d give up on a good thing, but who was she to judge someone else’s grief? She knew she had her own closet full of embarrassing skeletons that she hoped no one would ever ransack.

‘ _I’m_ ** _not_** _scared of it anymore._ ’ The words reverberated in her brain as she opened the shampoo bottle and squirted some onto her hand, lathering her hair with coconuty goodness. _So he’s all in._ Lily took a deep breath. Was she? She wanted to be… She was super curious if they could work — they did fight an awful lot, even if he had just implied that it had all been in an effort to get a rise out of her. She supposed this holiday would be a great test run. They could see if they even _liked_ being around each other anymore, or if maybe their chemistry did just boil down to sex. ( _We certainly can’t seem to keep our hands off of each other…_ ) And how disappointing would that be?

After she rinsed off, she walked to her trunk to pick out a cute outfit. Just as she was wiggling into her tightest jeans, a deep voice just over her shoulder caught her attention. “You know,” Lily jumped, but James stilled her movements by encircling her body with his arms, drawing her into his hard chest, “I feel like I’ve been sleeping on your ass…”

Lily tilted her neck so she could see him. “Sleeping on it?”

“Yeah, sleeping on, under-appreciating.” His right hand slipped to her lower back, pressed against his stomach, and traveled between them down to the curve of her jeans, his fingers clenching possessively around their intended target. Lily could feel her spine arching instinctually into his touch, wanting nothing more than for him to claim her once more. “It’s just that your tits are so damn perfect I get distracted.” His breath was hot and seductive in her ear, and she found herself getting turned on by the crude way he was describing her body to her. Considering she was still in her bra, she had no doubts about where his eyes were currently glued to. “But then you wear these fucking skintight jeans,” his left fingers pushed over her zipper, and Lily dropped her head back heavily onto his shoulder, “and I can’t think of anything else.”

As his lips started nipping and sucking at her neck, Lily tried one last feeble attempt to derail exactly where she knew this was heading. “You know they’ll notice if we don't show up until noon, right? And I’m not showering again, so I _will_ smell like sex at the table.”

“Lily, you’re **so** bad at talking me out of things.” James was definitely smirking as he unbuttoned her jeans from behind and helped her push them back off. “ _Fuck_ , you smell good,” he said absentmindedly, face in her hair.

It was in that moment that Lily realized his house just so happened to be stocked with the same scent of shampoo she always used. Before she could ponder the implications of this, James had bent her over the bed and gotten on his knees behind her, sliding her panties down. “Wait!” Lily cried out frantically. “What are you doing?” She’d slapped her hand over her bottom in a vain attempt at propriety.

James head poked out from behind her arse almost comically. “I wanted to eat you out?”

“Okay, but does it have to be from that angle?”

James looked cutely confused, _face still right next to my arse cheek._ “What’s wrong with this angle? This way I can see your ass. Remember how I was just waxing poetic about it? How I couldn’t stop watching it bounce against me when I did you on that desk?”

Lily had no idea how he managed to keep his expression so dreamy when such utter filth was pouring from his lips. “You didn’t mention that part—”

“ _Merlin,_ Evans, it was all I could see for **days** —”

“OKAY!” Lily practically screamed. “Ass-bounce aside,” he chuckled at her words, “I don’t want you looking at my,” her voice became incredibly quiet, “asshole.”

James’ brows scrunched confused. “Well, I wouldn’t be _looking_ at it as much as my nose would practically be inside of it,” Lily sputtered, so James continued quickly, “but why not? You have a beautiful, tight litt—”

“ _What_?!” Lily screeched. How the hell was she still bent over this bed looking back to him perched on the floor?

“What?” James asked confused and now also a little afraid he’d stepped in it.

“How would you know what my butthole looks like?!” she whispered viciously.

“Lily,” he said gently as though approaching a scared animal, “it’s like, right next to your vagina.” _Oh my god, that’s it, I’m gonna jump out of this window._ “So like, when I’m behind you in any position… I see it.”

“Fucking hell,” Lily cried, clapping both her hands over her face in complete humiliation.

“Hey,” James cooed, getting up and falling onto the bed next to her, pulling her down to him. “Stop. Do you need me to point out everyone has assholes?”

“Stop!” Lily whimpered, hitting his chest. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!”

James’ jaw dropped. “I can’t believe that was something I was _supposed_ to tell you!” Lily groaned, so James continued, kissing the top of her head. “I’m serious though, yours is perfect.” Lily snorted. How he could still be horny after this conversation, she had no idea. “Like… I would _do_ stuff to it.”

“You’re insatiable, Potter.”

“You make me this way, Evans.”

☆☆☆

“Huh. Weird. They got up at the exact same time. Don’t you think that’s _strange,_ Mar?” Sirius said, a foot perched on the opposite knee as he read _The Daily Prophet._

“So strange,” Marlene responded, shooting Lily a wink as she bit into her toast on the other side of the dining room table from him. Lily knew she’d be confessing a _lot_ to her friend later. Apparently including never to do doggy-style until you had backdoor confidence.

Lily decided she wasn’t in the mood to be teased today, at least not _any more._ After James and she had gotten over their lesson in anatomy, Lily had regained her peace of mind by fucking James silly reverse cowgirl style. They both considered it a win-win: Lily felt in control, and James was able to hold onto her cheeks the entire time. “Jealous, Black?”

Sirius cocked an eyebrow at her. She could tell he had no idea where she was taking this, but he was loving that she was fighting back all the same. “Of what, Rose?”

Lily plopped herself down next to Marlene. “Of having competition for James’ time.” Sirius smirked while Lily poured herself a glass of milk. “Don’t worry, I can get him back to you before bedtime if you’d like.”

“That would be awfully kind of you.”

“What the fuck guys, I’m right here,” James sighed, settling next to Sirius.

Lily wasn’t even that surprised when Quaffle the house-elf brought her a fresh stack of crêpes. Yes, she’d noticed some glaring flaws over the years, but she could truly never fault James’ ability to pay attention to her. With him, she always felt seen. James winked at her from across the table.

“Rose? Am I missing something here?” Marlene questioned, thoroughly out of the loop.

☆☆☆

It turned out that James was different at home. He was not as hard around the edges, like he had less to prove, or perhaps just no one to prove it to. Every now and then she’d have to catch herself from smiling at him like a little schoolgirl as she’d always done at the beginning of last year… but she couldn’t help it. Not when he was goofing off with Sirius, or caring for his father, or telling her terrible, _terrible_ puns.

After lunch, Lily’s three friends went to the freezing pitch they had in the backyard to fly around for a bit. Lily used this time to start on her holiday homework, after taking a brief moment to bask in the luxuriousness that was the Potter private library. Honestly, seeing his home, she was surprised James wasn’t even _more_ of a dick.

“Nuh uh uh uh, Evans, no way, come on,” James said surprising her with his sudden appearance by her table a few hours later. His cheeks were attractively flushed and his hair was falling in beautiful disarray. He caught her hands and made to pull her up.

“Oh my god, James! Your hands are so cold!” Lily squealed, trying to avoid him, but it only made him place his palms faster all over her, stealing body heat from her neck and face. “Stop!” she giggled.

“Only if you agree to _not_ do homework on the first bloody day of vacation.”

Lily squirmed out of reach. “No can do. Already finished my Potions essay.” She held up her completed scroll proudly.

James rolled his eyes. “Come on, you can do this later. Fight the anxiety.”

“How do—” Lily stopped mid-sentence; was it really that shocking that he’d know yet something else about her? Of course he’d know she wouldn’t fully be able to relax until it was complete. A more important and interesting question floated to the surface. Perching herself onto the table facing him, she asked, “When did you realize you liked me?” Now that they’d ripped the bandaid off on asking each other questions, it seemed so much easier to continue to do so.

James smiled at her newfound cocky attitude. “Jeez, you tell a girl you’re falling for her _one time._ ” He placed his hands on either side of her thighs, leaning in.

“I’m serious,” Lily said, leaning back onto her arms too, keeping him from avoiding her query with any funny business.

“Tease,” he whispered as he looked down her body biting his lip. How he could call her that with a straight face considering the two orgasms she’d already given him today was beyond her. (His roaming eyes still got her hot and bothered though.) She guessed this was the way of the warm-blooded, teenage wizard… and witch.

“Well?” she asked, crossing her legs and making sure to bump him back a bit, tossing her hair over her shoulder.

He smirked at her. “First year. We were learning to make things float. You were talking to Mary, explaining what your parents did in the Muggle world and Avery overheard and called you the M-word.” He looked down to the ground for a moment. “But then you sat upright, all proud, and in that adorable voice of yours said, ‘I don’t know what that is, but I’m gonna kick your butt at this spell,’ and you fucking **did**.” He looked up to her lips, now radiating pride himself. “Like a boss. Flitwick totally heard the whole thing because he gave you 20 points, which might as well have been a million to us in 1st year and you were a living legend and I was like, yup. That one.”

“That one?” Lily cocked a brow. “How romantic.”

“I was 11. It was like picking out a wand at that point.”

“A wand? Wow, Potter, this just keeps getting better…” she mocked.

James gave her a lopsided grin, his eyes twinkling. “But then Sirius reminded me you probably had cooties and then a week later I found out you couldn’t ride a broom to save your life so there went that crush…”

He was leaning into her now, lips parting sexily as he invaded her space. “Damn broomsticks and Sirius…” she breathed, adjusting to allow his encroachment.

“Merlin’s left tit, _seriously_ guys?!” Sirius’ loud booming voice echoed through the room. “I mean, besides the fact that you apparently talk about me as foreplay, which honestly, no real surprise there,” he ran a hand through his hair amused as Lily shot up, but James remained perfectly still save for a slow head tilt to the source of their interruption, his face now nestled against Lily’s breasts, “haven’t you guys already gone at it _enough_ for one day? Don’t make me learn a zapping spell.”

“Wouldn’t work anyway,” James answered confidently, straightening up and helping Lily hop off the desk. “You’d just train me to enjoy getting zapped.”

Lily clucked her tongue amused and cleaned up her papers, strangely all messily strewn about. “So if I can’t do homework, what am I supposed to do now?”

Before James could give her the suggestion it looked like he really wanted to, Sirius jumped in. “Well, since we’re under house arrest, we’re gonna choose our gifts for each other from a catalogue. Super exciting stuff.”

“Oh.” Lily stiffened awkwardly. She knew if she spent too much more money, she wouldn’t be able to afford going out to Hogsmeade later. “I was going to make everyone cookies. Or a pie or… whatever people wanted.”

Sirius swooped in and stole Lily, swinging an arm around her. “Are you single, Evans? Because it just so happens that I **love** cookies, so if you’re any good at making them…”

Lily rolled her eyes happily. “I’ll expect your proposal after you taste them then.”

“Excellent!” Sirius exclaimed shuffling her to the dining room while James trailed behind them. When Lily coyly looked over her shoulder to him, he shot her a wink.

☆☆☆

“All right, oatmeal raisin it is,” Lily said merrily as she wrote down Marlene’s choice of cookie on a scrap piece of parchment. Sirius had opted for double dark chocolate chunk and James had simply said, ‘whatever’s easiest,’ so she was hoping chocolate chip would do. (Sirius whispered in her ear to make them deer shaped — whatever that meant.) She’d give Peter and Remus a combination of all three… and she had to owl Adam to ask for his choice. She felt a little weird asking James to borrow his owl though, so hopefully Marlene didn’t mind lending her hers.

“Okay Rose, pick something,” Sirius said, casually tossing a booklet to her.

“Oh, I’m okay,” Lily said bashfully, passing the catalogue to Marlene. “I don’t need anything.”

Sirius groaned. “You know, you think you’re being noble, but really you’re just being annoying because now I have to try and _think_ about what you want and then suffer through the agony of you pretending you like it when you inevitably don’t.” He took a beat. “Maybe I’ll just steal all of Prongs shirts and put a bow on him.”

“Pad—”

“Deal.” Lily smirked.

Sirius cracked his knuckles. “Perfect. Pleasure doing business with you, Evans.”

“I really think I preferred it when you two hated each others’ guts,” James grumbled.

“No, you don’t,” they answered in unison, thoroughly freaking everyone out.

“Okay, but really Lily, please pick something out for me to get you,” Marlene insisted. “A year long supply of chocolate? A bunch of scarves?”

“Fine, I’ll look, I’ll look,” Lily finally caved, ears turning pink.

☆☆☆

Before dinner, James pulled Lily aside from the others in the walk-in pantry and opened that ( _goddamn_ ) catalogue to the lingerie section. “Which one do you like?” he asked eagerly.

Lily’s eyes went wide as saucers as she surveyed the selections, all the models shimmying and twirling in place showcasing lacy and insanely sexy pieces. “You’re getting me lingerie for Christmas, Potter?” Given his penchant for stealing her underthings, his noticing when she wore a pushup bra, and his comments about wishing she were wearing a nurse outfit, she supposed this tracked.

“Don’t be silly, Lily, this is my present to myself. I already have yours.”

“What is it?” She had to know.

He stole a quick kiss. “You’ll have to wait and see, won’t you?” She could watch him be this delightfully naughty all day. “Now pick please.” Lily pointed to the model with the bob, spinning around in her favorite ensemble. James’ jaw clenched, clearly already envisioning Lily in it. “Oo, good choice.”

“Do you need my sizes?”

“Nah. I know them,” he responded brazenly.

Before she knew it, James had her back against the wall, arms caging her in as he attacked her with dirty open-mouthed kisses, his tongue swirling with hers as his thigh pushed between hers—

**_Zap!_ **

“Food’s ready!” Sirius chimed, chuckling as the couple yelped, springing apart due to the unexpected electric jolt cruising through them, before ducking out.

“Come back here, you little—” James cried, chasing after his best friend.

☆☆☆

After Lily had picked a nice new cloak as her gift from Marlene (the girl had vetoed a cheap pair of mittens as well as a hat), Mar was eager to talk gossip.

“Well? Did you talk to him?” Marlene asked Lily while they were hanging out in her room. Dinner had been a slightly awkward affair with Mr Potter having an unexpected fit when he didn’t remember why any of them were there and ordered them all to go back to school. James had taken him to his bedroom and when he returned they all pretended as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

“Yes,” Lily admitted shyly. “It was very… enlightening.”

“Oh Merlin, don’t tell me you guys just banged the whole time? Thanks for doing a muffling spell by the way.”

Lily didn’t _think_ she was being sarcastic, so she guessed James had performed that while lubing himself up this morning as well. _Good man._ “No, actually! We didn’t even shag **once** last night!” She couldn’t believe she was even proud of that.

Marlene raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Really?”

“Yup.” Lily popped the p.

“Okay, so what did you tell him?”

 _Huh._ She guessed he had done more of the spilling of his soul. “Well, _he_ told me why he pulled back after our date last year.”

“Yeah?” Marlene lit up, curious.

“Yeah.” Lily guessed she could tell her at least half of it without compromising James’ trust. “He said he was falling in love with me. And that freaked him out.”

“ _Really?!_ ” Marlene shrieked, hopping up giddily. “Oh, Lily, that’s amazing! What did you say?”

 _What did I say…?_ “Um. I’m not sure.” She paused. “I think I kissed him.”

Marlene slapped her forehead with her palm. “Frigging Circe…”

“What?” Lily questioned, a little ashamed because she was pretty sure she knew exactly _what._

“An emotionally stunted boy opens his heart to you and you _don’t say anything back?!_ ”

After a brief pang of panic, Lily took a deep breath. “He knew.” She nodded, becoming more sure by the second. “Mar, he knew.”

Marlene chuckled. “Okay.” She grabbed for Lily’s hand. “Well, I’m super pumped for you guys. Wait, does that mean you’re in a relationship?”

“No.” Lily smiled. “We’re still testing the waters. Figuring it all out.”

“Well dang, those waters are going to all have evaporated from pure heat by the time you guys are done ‘figuring’—”

Lily threw a pillow with pinpoint accuracy to Marlene’s face (she was getting in loads of practice). “What about you, Miss Virtue? Gonna knit Evan a nice ‘Please Shag Me?’ sweater?”

Marlene straightened out her hair. “You think he’d wear it?”

☆☆☆

By the time girl talk was over, James was actually already in his bed (she guessed she had worn him out…) so she quietly tried to sneak under the covers to sleep next to him. As soon as she’d settled, James spooned her, one strong arm pulling her in close. As she drifted off to sleep, she noticed he’d hidden the frame of her photo from his nightstand. For some reason, knowing he was trying to downplay the enormity of his feelings for her only made her heart even more his. He didn’t want to scare her away. She fell asleep with his body curled around hers and his warm breath tickling her shoulder.

☆☆☆

They fell into a wonderful pattern over the next few days: having amazing morning sex, pretending like they hadn’t (even though they were both fully flushed at brunch with their friends right after), doing one group activity or another, sneaking off to fool around some more, and then playing chess, or charades, or… Lily was never quite sure what exactly they were doing as her mind would definitely still be replaying the way James’ eyes had squeezed shut and his jaw dropped as he’d come or the way he’d brush her hair back to see her face when she did. It led to a lot of scattered white pawn pieces in the subsequent few hours.

Sirius didn’t notice just how distracted Lily was (or pretended not to, bless him) because he’d gotten completely obsessed with the upcoming Potter Christmas Ball. As he had animatedly told Lily multiple times now, it was an annual gigantic gala thrown at the Potter estate every Christmas Eve started by Euphemia Potter some fifty years ago. The only year it hadn’t happened was 4th year when she’d been too sick. “As her favorite son, I see it as my responsibility to uphold the time-honored tradition,” Sirius announced grandly. James looked up from his Quidditch magazine to roll his eyes. Sirius later confided in Lily, when he was asking for her help decorating, that he spent extra care making sure everything was perfect for James. Apparently, this party had been a big deal to their mother, and keeping it around helped him keep her memory alive for James. Lily was more than starting to see that as far as best friends went — you really couldn’t have a better one than Sirius (once you’d earned his loyalty of course). She threw herself headfirst into helping him plan this extravagant gala, with the added bonus that it distracted her from her own pain that came with the holiday.

“Where’s that ring from?” Lily asked Sirius conversationally as she helped him magic fake snow across the downstairs foyer and ballroom. The spell to make it look like it was actively snowing would have to be performed the night of.

Sirius looked down at the chunky ring he’d been absentmindedly fidgeting with as he shot up some clumps of mistletoe at random. “This? James gave it to me when I moved in — said he never wore it anyway.” He smiled. “It’s the Potter crest. I know it pisses off my brother every time he sees it too, so that’s an added bonus.” His smile turned a little sadistic. “How cool would it be to punch him and have this crest imprinted on his face?”

Lily snorted, then turned to him sincerely. “I’m glad you and James found each other.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and ruffled her hair. “Save the sappiness for Prongs, Rose.”

This led to Lily shooting fake snow up his nose, which in turn led to Sirius chasing Lily around the house with a snowball, ready to strike.

“What is all the screaming about?” Marlene complained from her spot by the fireplace, looking up from her book to James.

“I have no bloody idea.” He had to turn away from her to hide just how wide his face had split into a smile as Lily’s laughter echoed around the halls of his home.

☆☆☆

“I sfer, yor cheating,” James slurred that night, drunk as a skunk sitting on the floor as he played a drinking version of Exploding Snap with Sirius. The fireplace was just cracking embers at this point and it was glowing on Sirius’ ‘innocent’ face.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, surely.”

“Ugh…” James grumbled leaning back against Lily’s legs on the couch behind him. “Lil, is ‘e lying tof me?”

Lily brought her fingers into his hair, massaging with her nails. “Oh, he’s definitely lying to you, love.”

Sirius smirked at her, but she was a little too distracted by the fact that James had just slunk his hand between her calves, tracing up and down her skin with calloused fingertips, to notice. She squirmed in her corduroy skirt.

“Oh, dat feels good, Lils,” he sighed, dropping his head back into her lap.

The desire evident in his voice made Lily hyper-aware that they had an audience. “All right!” she announced, getting to her feet. “I think that’s my cue to go to bed.” She wished Sirius a goodnight (Mar had already retired hours ago) and walked to the edge of the room. “You coming?” she threw over her shoulder playfully to James, who was still leaning against the couch where she’d left him, watching her leave hopelessly. She didn’t think she’d ever seen a man scramble to his feet so fast, even faster than when they were practicing against _Imperio._

“Night Pads!” he yelped, stumbling after her.

Lily couldn’t help but giggle the whole way up as he’d latched on to her from behind, using her hips as a guide to his room while ardently tugging on her clothes, trying to undress her.

“James,” she moaned, when he spun her around and pushed her into the hallway wall, kissing her roughly as his hands groped away at her waist and chest. “We’re almost there… just let me get you to bed.” _Oh fuck._ He’d gotten under her long-sleeved shirt and switched to that gentle graze of her ribs she loved so much as his lips brushed along her collar bone.

“Always wanting to bed me, Evans,” he purred. “Tell me, would you still wan’ me if I weren’t so fuckin’ fit?” He full on licked her neck.

Lily laughed, bringing up her shoulder to try to stop his sloppy attention. “You’re so drunk, James!” She hit him with a sobering spell to bring him back to a manageable range (there was, after all, only so much magic could do) before she sidestepped him and pulled him to his room by the hand.

“For you? Always.” He smiled goofily as he fell onto his bed.

Lily shook her head, absolutely living for his sappy, carefree attitude. “Do you want me to help get you in your pajamas?”

“No.” He shot up unexpectedly, grabbing her hand and yanking her onto the bed next to him. “I wouldn’t object to you taking my clothes off, though.” He looked over her body salaciously. “Now, where were we?”

“James!” she whined, dodging his kisses. “You’re still at least tipsy. I feel like I’m taking advantage of you.”

“Ha!” James snorted. “No way. You have my consent.” His eyes danced in the dim lighting of his room. “Like, so much fucking consent.”

His body was just hovering over hers now, and Lily knew she wouldn’t be able to fight his advances much longer. “Okay,” she tried reasoning with him. “And how am I supposed to prove that?”

Somehow still coherent enough to do magic, James pulled out his wand and conjured up a piece of parchment and a quill.

He pushed up Lily’s black top off of her stomach and used it as a makeshift table. As he wrote, he read aloud, “I, James Fleamont Potter, hereby grant Lily Jasmine Evans CON—”

“Ow, James, you poked me!” Lily cried out.

In his enthusiasm, James had pressed his quill so hard it had punctured through the paper and stabbed Lily. James uncovered her tummy gingerly and kissed the ink stain. “My apologies, milady, I’m a little excited you see,” he murmured into her skin.

“I can see that.” Lily grinned. Was she going to hell for loving tipsy James and wondering if she could always slip him drinks just to keep him this lovey and affectionate with her forever?

When James’ mouth continued kissing her abs, straying further and further down to her hips, Lily realized he’d completely forgotten about the important task at hand. “James, the permission slip?”

He grunted. “All right, Evans. All right!” He resumed with his paperwork. “CONSENT to shag me silly.” He looked at his handiwork proudly. “There!”

“You should date it,” Lily suggested.

“Not necessary.” James got a strong arm under her lower back and shifted her up the bed. “You’re allowed to fuck me literally _whenever._ In this bed? Done.” His hands frantically tore off her clothing. “In class? Okay! While on my way to the hospital wing? Might be hard, but I’ll manage it somehow.” He settled himself below her. “Now **please** , just let me love you, woman.” He sunk his face between her thighs, licking and sucking with all the vigor only a person desperately head over heels could muster.

“Jesus,” Lily moaned loudly, clutching at the sheets beneath her, unable to fight the pulsating feelings emanating from within her cunt.

He looked up at her, one hand tracing feather-light touches around her breasts, his lips glistening with her juices. “It’s JAMES.”

Lily burst out laughing, unable to stop until he brought a few fingers to play inside of her.


	26. Laughing at the Devil

**_Christmas Holiday, 6th Year_ **

“Ugh, my head,” James groaned the next morning as he woke up to light streaming in through his window. He blindly reached out next to him, finding nothing but the edge of his sheets tangled around his oddly contorted body. “Lily?” he called out confused, finally cracking open his eyes.

“Right here,” she replied from the corner of his room, adding the last few ingredients into a sizzling cauldron. “I hope your dad doesn’t mind I raided his supply closet.”

James patted down his nightstand for his glasses, slipping them on. “Whatcha making?”

Lily walked over to him and conjured up a glass of water, pushing it into his hands as he sat up. Sobering spells worked great in the moment, but even they couldn’t prevent the dreaded morning after. “Hangover Potion. It’s a decently easy brew and I made us enough to hopefully last the holiday.” James drank his water gratefully. “It’s almost ready.”

“You’re an angel. Thank you,” James spoke softly, cupping her jaw.

Lily smiled. She felt herself allowing her tender side to poke out for him. It was a sort of sweetness she’d only ever shown to pets before, really. Their unconditional love was something that had to be shown back in kind. She couldn’t believe it was James fucking Potter who was coaxing it out of her now. “Do you remember last night?” She shot him a sly look.

“No. Why am I naked?”

Lily’s jaw dropped. “Oh no, Ja—”

James’ lips twitched as he set down his glass and lunged for her, dragging her over his lap. “I’m joking, Evans. I could never forget shagging you.”

Before they could get too comfortable, Sirius burst through the door, making Lily rush to cover up until she remembered that _she_ was fully dressed. “Prongs! You’re **alive!** ” He jumped onto the bed with them, hopping all about childishly.

“Could you please keep it down, Padfoot?” James groaned, holding his temples. “I haven’t had my hangover cure yet.”

“Oh. You mean like _you guys_ kept it down last night?” Lily felt a flush creep over her entire body. _Oh shite… we_ ** _didn’t_** _performed a muffling spell, did we?_ James was normally the one who cast it, being the better at it between the two of them. They’d both been a little too _preoccupied_ to remember to do it she supposed. “It is nice to know what a **generous** lover you are though, Prongs.” A mischievous look took over his face. “And I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that you call out your own name during the act.”

“What are you talking ab—” James started, but then looked to Lily even more befuddled when she started giggling. “What? I didn’t _actually…_ did I?”

“The way I heard it, you practically yelled it at her.” Sirius resumed his happy jumping at the foot of his best friend’s bed.

“Lily?!” James was staring at her desperately, asking her to defend his honor while he could not.

“It was a misunderstanding, Sirius. Not a self-congratulatory orgasm,” Lily stated.

James slouched back into his pillows relieved. “Oh thank Merlin.”

“Well, you young lady,” Sirius set his sights on Lily, “I must say, I never took you for quite as loud of a screamer.”

Lily thought back to the previous night. After James had gone down on her until her legs had turned into absolute jello, he’d laid down on his back and begged, and _begged,_ her to ride him so he could ‘watch my favorite tits bounce in my face until I pass out.’ Given the orgasm he’d just given her, as well as how damn cute he looked when he pouted out his lips like that, it was awfully hard to reject his zealous pleas. He hadn’t passed out, only ogled and pawed at her the whole time, telling her besotted things like ‘I’m the luckiest bloke alive,’ ‘You don’t know how fucking beautiful you are,’ and ‘I will love you for fucking ever.’ Considering he was tipsy and had his cock inside of her, Lily tried not to take he’s words _too_ seriously. Eventually, she’d had to put her palm over his mouth just so she could concentrate on how good he felt, and even _that_ he didn’t seem to mind so much. When he’d lifted his hips up to help her out, angling himself just right for her, she’d been a goner.

“Well Sirius. I never took you for such a creepy lurking listener, yet here we are.”

Sirius didn’t have time to do more than smirk before Marlene strolled in, also plopping herself down on the — now much too crowded — bed. “You two are alive.”

“Why does everyone keep saying that?“ James mumbled as he yanking the sheet up despite Sirius’ weight, trying to cover up his torso. Lily was very grateful that he was having such a hard time with the task.

“You earned me five Galleons last night,” Marlene said, sitting against the headboard next to Lily. Sirius took James’ other side, officially making this the most uncomfortable morning after in both the teens’ lives.

“What? _How?_ ”

“Well, I guess I should say _Lily_ made me five Galleons. It is after all her doing that made it last less than an hour.”

“And I could have sworn I knew how whiskey dick worked,” Sirius grumbled.

“But, _I_ know how hot and bothered Lily gets him.” Lily amusedly accepted Marlene’s high-five.

“I hate you all. Goodbye,” James whined, pulling the sheet free and wrapping himself up with it as he got up to retreat to his bathroom. At the door, he turned around to Lily, who may just have been checking out his back whilst biting her lip. “Except for you of course, Lils.”

“Duly noted.”

He winked.

☆☆☆

After James was showered and had downed his Hangover Potion, the gang worked relentlessly to finalize all the details for tomorrow’s ball. The caterers had their menus, the band had their pre-approved songs, and Sirius had given the photographers a strict shot-list to adhere to. Lily instantly felt bad for all these workers having to bend over backwards for a very particular 17 year old.

The more extravagant it got, the more Lily realized she definitely didn’t have anything fancy enough to wear. Marlene assured her that she could just borrow one of her old dresses.

That night, after Sirius had finally released them from their party planning duties, Lily was able to use the insanely well-stocked kitchen. Lily guessed the house-elves must keep it that way out of habit since it didn’t seem as though Mr Potter had a very varied diet for them to cater too.

“Can I help?” James asked, leaning against a cupboard as Lily was mixing some batter, her hair up in a messy bun.

“Um, yes, actually, you could measure me out eight tablespoons of butter, please.”

“Right on it.” James stopped in front of her, wetting his thumb with his tongue and wiping something off of her cheek. “You got a lil chocolate…”

Lily wiped her cheek with the back of her hand bashfully. “Huh. Wonder how that got there?”

“Great mystery,” James joked, walking to the fridge.

James took well to being her sous chef, cracking jokes with the eggs and only occasionally holding the batter above Lily’s head out of reach until she kissed him for it. Soon Lily had ten neatly wrapped boxes of cookies all labeled and ready to go.

“Sirius, Mary, Mar, your dad, Snitch, Quaffle,” James smiled brightly at the names of his house-elves, “you, Remus, Peter, and Adam.” They both got a little stiff at the mention of her male friend, but he wisely didn’t say anything. She was still a bit annoyed that Sirius hadn’t invited him tomorrow. (Sirius had defended himself by saying he wasn’t even sure _she’d_ be there when he sent out the invitations weeks ago.) “Awesome, I can’t believe we finished them all.”

James wrapped his arms around her from behind as he rested his chin on her shoulder. “Happy?”

“Yes.” Lily simpered. She kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”

“You know if healing doesn’t work out, you can always open a bakery. Call it… _Lily’s Lovely Lickable Loot._ ” She gave him a side-eye. “Evan’s Enjoyable Edibles.” There was a long beat. “Rose’s—”

“I get it, James.” _Call me Lucky (in) Love Lily._

☆☆☆

Lily knew why she had a miserable time falling asleep that night. The next day, it would be exactly one year since her parents had died. It was impossible not to think about, and dread, no matter how good James’ warm arms felt cradled around her under the sheets.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” James’ voice cooed far too soon. He pecked her forehead. “Happy Christmas Eve.” James didn’t know her parents’ exact death date. She’d never told him. _Should I?_ It seemed selfish given the party tonight was in honor of his own dead mother. _What a mess._

“Morning,” she grumbled, rolling over and hiding her head under her pillow.

“Uh oh… someone’s not in the right holiday spirit,” he sang, tickling her wildly.

“No, stop!” she cried out, thrashing against him.

“Open your present then.”

That got her attention. “We’re doing that now?” She pushed herself up and saw her own reflection in the mirror opposite the bed. She looked like a rabid animal that had just escaped a life of crime in the gutter _:_ hair sticking up wildly, eyes puffy, _is that dried drool on my chin?!_ “I have to pee!” she lied, hopping out of bed so she could sneak in a quick shower in James’ bathroom. Now **she** smelt like pine. James’ familiar scent brought her a small ounce of comfort.

When she came out, he was wearing a grey henley with the sleeves pushed halfway up his forearms and, _damn,_ if she was ever so aware of her own burning desires before. It was so, so unfair just how badly she was attracted to him, even when she could barely even see a hint of skin. His smirk halted her wandering eyes. “You didn’t have to freshen up on my account, Evans. I rather enjoy seeing you… disheveled.” He was going to kill her.

“Where’s this present,” she groused.

“Right here, sunshine.” He motioned to a garment bag that she hadn’t noticed hanging from the canopy of his bed. She approached it warily. “You got me clothes?” Understanding dawned on her face. “Oh, the lingerie?”

He bit his lip, pleased with himself. “No, that wouldn’t work tonight. I got you a gown to wear.”

Lily’s hand paused on the zipper, turning to him awkwardly. “You didn’t need to do that; Marlene’s old one fit fine—”

“I wanted you to have your own.”

“I can’t pay you back—”

“I’m not asking you to.”

“James—”

“Lily, please. Open it, see if you even like it.”

Lily felt her pulse racing. She knew he was rich, but this felt like too much. She’d made him cookies for fuck’s sake, with ingredients his family had paid for! She wasn’t ashamed of being poor, she knew it wasn’t her fault, but to be this viscerally reminded of it was still jarring. An overwhelming feeling of inadequacy settled in the pit of her stomach. With a deep breath, she opened the bag to reveal the most beautiful gown she’d ever seen. It was a gorgeous sky blue and looked like it would hug her frame with a high slit.

“I know this color looks amazing on you from that jumper you wear. And if it doesn’t fit, I can get our tailor to fix it before tonight, but I’m pretty sure I got the measurements right.” He was studying her face intently and Lily didn’t know what to do with it.

“James, I…” she trailed off.

“You hate it?” he asked sadly.

The hurt made her spin to him. “No! It’s beautiful. Really beautiful. It’s just…” she searched for the words, “too much.” She was starting to realize that she was feeling guilty because of more than just the money he was clearly spending on her; the feelings she couldn’t quite verbally reciprocate yet (or at least not as wholeheartedly as him) were also burning a hole in her conscience. _What is wrong with you?_

He ran his hand through his hair nervously. “I’m sorry?”

“No—” _Fuck. Now I feel like a bitch._ She stepped up to him, looking him in the eye. Why couldn’t she just let this damn prince of a man dote on her like a normal person? “Thank you.” She grabbed his hand. “I really love it.” She smiled. “And I’ll think of something more to get you.”

He kissed the tip of her nose. “No need. I may have already dug into my box of cookies, so this dress is more of a ‘whoopsies,’ than anything.”

Lily slapped his elbow. “James!”

“What?” He threw his hands up in defense. “They’re really yummy!”

“You’re hopeless.”

☆☆☆

The hours before the ball flew by as Lily and Marlene got their hair and makeup done by professionals that Sirius had hired. The house was an absolute flurry of activity. _This is for James, this is for James…_ she kept reminding herself as the sheer volume of people working all around her overwhelmed her. She tried to help out where she could, her service industry senses tingling, but Sirius reprimanded her, telling her to leave the set up to ‘the help.’ Obviously, his words rubbed her the wrong way, but he seemed so frazzled that she didn’t want to start an argument with him today.

She found solace in the Potter owlery, ready to pet James’ snowy owl (she was quite aloof and Lily was determined to win over her affections before the end of the holiday), but got distracted when she found her cuddling with a stately owl — a stately eagle-owl with orange eyes.

“Buddy?” she asked confused. As soon as the owl spotted her, he hooted merrily and flew to her shoulder, nestling against her cheek. _Oh my god._ She knew Remus was coming today for the gala, but why would his owl be here? Unless… “You’re not his owl are you?” she whispered.

“Dear, what are you doing here?” Lily spun to see Mr Potter hobbling into the owlery, Snitch lagging behind, regarding him cautiously as if he may fall over at any minute. “Don’t you have a ball to prepare for?”

Lily was so happy Fleamont was in high spirits tonight. She wished she could be right there with him. “I just need to put on my dress, sir.” She motioned to her already styled up-do.

“Yes, yes, James seemed quite excited about it.” He smiled and shuffled closer, the owl on Lily’s shoulder hopping from her to the old man’s extended arm. “My boy is quite smitten with you, you know,” he said distractedly.

Lily felt completely unnerved. “Sir, is that your owl?”

If Mr Potter thought the topic shift was bizarre, he didn’t let on. “Yes.” He stroked the owl’s chest fondly. “Eros here is the most wondrous of pets. So clever, so clever.” He walked to the doorway. “If you’ll excuse me, dear. I must make myself presentable for tonight. Some of us require a little more time than others.”

Lily laughed indulgently at his joke and he gave her a small wink before disappearing. And then she let it all wash over her: James had pretended to be Remus this summer. James had asked her what her new job was — and then **found** her. _Holy fucking shit._ Lily slumped her body against the wall, sliding to the floor (owl droppings be damned) and cradled her forehead ( _makeup artist: I’m sorry_ ). What was happening?! Had she been basing her friendship with Remus this year on conversations she’d secretly been having with someone else? Did she even _have_ a friendship with Remus? Surely she did, but those letters this summer had meant so much to her — been a fucking lifeline — and they’d been from **James**. _You’re such a fucking idiot._ How could she not have been able to tell? Pesky forging trick aside, they still _spoke_ differently. How bloody unobservant was she?

And James! And fucking, fuck-your-life-up, James fucking Potter. What was she supposed to do about him? This was exactly the overstepping she’d yelled at him about before… but this had happened before his last infraction… and she’d noticed he actually **was** trying to behave since. He’d been trying to reign in his psycho tendencies. Was it enough? Could she even yell at him for stuff that happened this summer?

Well, she could most certainly be pissed about it.

**_Fuck._** They’d been on such a good page. The longer she stayed here with him, in their happy little bubble, the deeper she felt herself falling for him, and the more she could see them actually giving, well, _them_ a go. She almost wished she’d never even found out about this. _What am I supposed to do?_ Truth be told, all these things he’d been doing were all things she would have loved from him — _had they been together_. She would have loved to get letters from him all summer long, had they been dating. She would have loved that he accompanied her on patrols, if she’d asked him to. She would love his gifts if she felt like she was giving him something equally precious in return. _He’s fucking in love with you, dumbass… and he has been for a while._ That was honestly what shook her the most. How could she have been so convinced that he hated her? How could she not have bloody realized that the man that she had so desperately wanted, wanted her just as much back? If anything, it made her feel like a really shitty person. Marlene was almost right: she felt like she _had_ been stringing him along.

Lily really fucking hated Christmas.

☆☆☆

“James, I need to talk to you,” Lily declared, stepping into his room half an hour later, scaring the shit out of Sirius who was not prepared to see her suddenly appear through a wall.

“Holy fuck, where—”

“Lily, what’s wrong?” James’ hands froze on his cufflinks.

“Just…” Lily pointed behind her shoulder, letting him know she wanted him to follow her.

Once they got to her room, she quickly said, “Pineapple.” If she were in a different mood, she might have giggled when she heard a loud thump followed by Sirius’ muffled ‘ow,’ from the other side of the wall shortly afterwards.

Lily turned to James, trying to ignore just how sharp he looked in his sleek, black dress robes. “Okay, this is really hard for me, but I’m really trying here, so please bear with me.”

“Okay…” he answered cautiously.

_No more self-sabotaging Lily, just be honest. Well, as honest as you can stomach._ She took a deep breath. “I know you pretended to be Remus to write me this summer, it’s fucked up, and obviously I don’t like it—”

“Lily, I—”

Lily put her hand up. “Please let me finish.” James shrunk back, looking terrified but accepting his fate. “Like I said, it’s not cool, but I know it happened before our,” Lily flapped her wrist, trying to come up with a suitable word, “talk or whatever.” She sighed. “And I know you’ve been working really hard at respecting my boundaries,” she gave him a small smile, “and I appreciate it.” _And I love you._ “So even though I now get where you were coming from, I just need you to promise me you’ll never pretend to be someone else for me.” _Because I love you._ “You know, so I can trust you.” **_Because I love you._** ****

“Yes.” James sounded so relieved. “Yes, I can promise that.”

“And you need to show Remus my letters.” She knew he must still have them; she was no longer a stranger to his obsessive personality. “And explain what you did.”

James winced, his hand flying into his hair. “Is that really necessary?”

“James.” She looked him dead in the eye. “You sabotaged my friendship with Remus to further your own. He deserves to know what I _thought_ I was sending him.”

“Well, when you put it like that…”

“Okay!” Lily breathed deeply, super proud of herself. She’d had a problem, she’d faced it directly, and they’d _talked_ about it. She should really try this more often.

James shuffled his weight from one foot to the other. “I really am sorry. I just wanted to know if you were okay.”

Lily took his wrists, finishing securing his cufflinks for him. “I know.” His overstepping was a lot easier to handle when she knew it came from his fear of losing her, and not because he was trying to control her. She felt her face heat up as she spoke the next words to his sleeves. “You just need to give me a little time to catch up.” Her eyes flicked up; he was latching on to her every word. “Let me go at my own pace.” After all, he had been imagining this relationship for the past year, while she’d been denying it.

“Okay,” he whispered. “I can wait.”

She took a step back, admiring him, then shook her head to clear it; she wasn’t done yet. “Now’s the time to come clean. Is there anything else you’ve done for me that I don’t know about?”

“Lily, do we have to do this now? I mean, it’s Christmas Eve…” He sat on the edge of her bed.

“I won’t be able to relax until you do.”

His eyes were extra honey-colored as he begged her to drop it, but she wouldn’t budge. He bit his lip. “Please remember that I’m just an idiot who really, _really_ is crazy about you, and I don’t know what to do about it most of the time and I know better now and—”

“James.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, keeping them closed. “Well, you already made me promise to stop with the unprovoked spells, but I was hexing people for a while so you could get more practice as a healer, because it seemed like you really liked it… but it was mostly minor stuff!”

Lily’s jaw dropped. “Poppy would kill you if she knew! Do you know how overworked she is?”

“I only did it on days I knew you were temping, I swear!” he defended eagerly.

“Oh my god.” She started pacing. “What else?”

“Uh… you know about the goat thing. Um… I left out a bunch of food for you last year?”

“What?” Lily turned to him. “That was you? I thought it was the house-elves!”

“Yeah, well, I asked them too. I knew you weren’t eating.” He grimaced. “I was worried.”

_Right. I knew that._ It wasn’t like she hadn’t needed it… “Fuck, James, okay. Anything else?”

James looked like she was asking him to prep for a colonoscopy. “I may have sent that cruise guy to your apartment?” he confessed sheepishly.

“Cruise guy?”

“Yeah. I hired an actor to tell your foster parents they’d won that cruise.” James stood up. ”I know that sounds crazy—“

“It does.” Lily couldn’t help but feel that uncomfortable squirming sensation in her stomach again.

“Just please remember, we weren’t really on good talking terms back then.” He stood right in front of her. “But Lily, sending them away is the thing I stand by the most. I couldn’t keep watching you show up every week with a new bruise. I tried to mind my own business, but,” he faltered, “it sucked. I couldn’t do it. I mean, you’re clumsy, but not _that_ clumsy.” He reached for both her hands. It wasn’t the first time Lily noticed how massive they were covering hers. “I’d seen it with Sirius after every holiday in the early years, and I wasn’t going to go through it again with you.” His thumbs started doing their soothing strokes over her skin as he crouched down to her eye level. “I’ll apologize, but honestly, I’d do it again in a heartbeat. It was either get rid of them or teach them a lesson, and I thought a trip would be the preferable option.”

Lily was amazed with how much more she was willing to let him get away with since realizing she loved him. The same actions that would have previously made her see red were now being viewed through rose-colored glasses, making creepy somehow morph into romantic. Without her knowing it, James had been there, trying to make her life more bearable, even when she was treating him with absolute contempt.

“Is that why you got weird about my back bruise? After we did it in the library I mean?” Lily felt like she was finally figuring this man out.

James shrugged. “Yeah. Maybe?”

Lily didn’t want to overthink the moment, so she grabbed his face and kissed him. He was clearly a mess — an intrusive, fanatic, sexy mess, but he was **her** mess. _Why can’t we be messes together?_ James started grinning into her lips. “What?” His smile was infectious.

“Nothing. I should just have come clean with you ages ago. Who would have known you’d like it so much?”

Lily wrapped her arms over his shoulders. “You should have. Is there anything else?”

She was standing so close to him that she didn’t miss the flicker of hesitation that crossed his face. He masked it immediately. “Well, the gown wasn’t your only present, but I didn’t want to overwhelm you…”

Lily tilted her head to the side. “Hm?“

James reached into his pocket and pulled out a long black box, handing it to her gently, before fiddling with his hair. She looked up to him, her beautiful eyes impossibly wide. “I can return it if it’s too much, I just… I don’t ever want you to have any doubts about my feelings again.” His eyes bore into hers. “Because I’m **in** this, Lils. Whenever you’re ready. I’ll be here.”

_Ah, fuck fuck fuck fuck._ Lily couldn’t breathe as she looked down, snapping open the box to reveal a beautiful little sapphire heart on a delicate silver chain.

He whispered on, “I noticed you like necklaces and I thought this may work with your dress tonight. Or you know, every outfit you ever want to wear from now on.“

She tittered, gingerly taking out the necklace and handing it to him. “Could you?” she asked him, turning around for him.

He brought it up around her neck, clasping it in place and kissing where the ends met.

She bit her lip. This was too good to be true, something had to be wrong. She looked at them in the mirror — they looked like they belonged together. “It’s beautiful.” She turned to him, pulling him in for another kiss before she could cry. “I love it.” They were forehead to forehead now. “Thank you.”

Sirius barged in the door, making James let out a big, vexed sigh. “Phew, I was worried you were going to murder him,” the unwanted intruder said, looking at his watch. “Merlin, Evans, you have to go put your dress on! Prongs, we need to go downstairs to greet guests! You know there’s always those early freaks.” He grabbed James’ arm and dragged him out.

“Save me a dance?” James called out over his shoulder.

“Sure.” Lily smiled.

As soon as the boys rounded the corner, she collapsed on her bed. She was in so deep.

☆☆☆

“Oh Marlene, you look so beautiful!” Lily said, standing by her door, garment bag draped over her arm as she gaped at the blonde. She looked stunning in a red, floor length gown as she put in a pair of sparkly earrings.

“Thank you,” Marlene replied, beaming and giving Lily a shy spin. “I may have invited Evan tonight.”

Lily quickly shut the door behind her. “You _did?_ ”

“Yeah. I mean, I know he can’t come to the ballroom because I don’t want to start a fight… but I figured I might be able to sneak him to my room?”

“Ooo, yes, like a sexy secret mission!”

“Exactly.” Marlene laughed.

“So **that’s** why it’s so nice in here…” Lily indicated the fresh flowers littered in vases throughout the room.

“Shut up. I want it to be _perfect_. You never know,” Marlene muttered taking in her own reflection.

“I’m sure it will be,” Lily assured her.   
  
“Lily, could you do me a favor? I know Sirius will be way too occupied to notice me go missing, but if James notices, could you cover for me?”

Lily smiled. “Of course. I’ll be sure to distract him.” She winked.

“Great.” Marlene’s gaze landed on Lily’s necklace as she started changing into her dress. “Oh! He gave it to you!”

Lily reflexively fingered the heart. “You knew?”

“Yeah!” Lily tried not to think about how Mary would have told her if she’d known such a thing. _It isn’t fair to compare them like that,_ she chided herself. “He was freaking out about it to be honest. Never seen him act like that before.” She shook her head fondly. “Wanted to know if I thought you’d like it or if it was too sappy.”

Knowing just how much thought James had put into her gift made it even more special. Lily found that she just couldn’t stop grinning to herself.

☆☆☆

Lily felt a whole lot like Cinderella when she started descending the stairs in Potter manor not too much later. The dress fit her like a glove, and Marlene had enlarged some of her heels for her so she wouldn’t be tripping on the length. Her eyes danced around the foyer with snowflakes floating, carolers harmonizing, and twinkling lights every which way. Sirius had truly outdone himself. But once her gaze fell upon James, she couldn’t see anything else. He was talking with his father and the Marauders, but once Remus nudged him and pointed her out, and he turned around, she could have sworn time slowed down. His eyes glowed with admiration as he watched her approach, not even trying to hide how completely mesmerized he was.

“Hi,” he said grinning at her lopsidedly as he held out his palm for her at the bottom of the stairs.

She gladly took it. “You got a little…” She motioned to her lower lip, miming drool.

“Haven’t you heard? Drooling’s all the rage these days.” Lily blushed a smidge, thinking back to how she’d woken up this morning. He escorted her to his friends, whispering in her ear along the way, “You look so damn beautiful.” Lily knew she was probably now red all over.

“Happy Christmas, Lily,” Remus said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “Prongs told me I have some scrumptious cookies to look forward to.”

Peter squeaked nervously next to him. Lily noticed he wouldn’t stop giving awkward looks to her and James’ clasped hands. She found a subtle way to untangle herself shortly after.

Marlene was indeed MIA for most of the party, but luckily the Marauders seemed too thrilled to be reunited to take note. Lily took the time to catch up with some of the other Gryffindor girls milling about like Dorcas and Hestia, who were very surprised she’d finally attended a Potter Gala. (Lily didn’t point out she’d never actually been invited before.) The latter was _very_ interested in the sparks she insisted were flying between her and the messy-haired host, so Lily found herself downing more than a few flutes of champagne. It seemed to be going straight from her empty stomach right to her head. Meanwhile the former couldn’t understand why Hufflepuff Robby Levine kept winking at her. “He swears we had our first kiss a few weeks before my attack… but I obviously have no way of verifying this,” Dorcas grumbled.

_Well, that fucking blows._ “Um, well… do you think he’s fit?” Lily asked tentatively.

Dorcas shrugged. “Honestly, I’ve always had a crush on his twin Rebecca, so maybe I finally just settled on him.” Lily snorted at her blunt confession.

“Excuse me, ladies,” James interrupted, making Dorcas roll her eyes and Hestia giggle, “Lily, may I have this dance?”

“Course,” she replied, slipping away from the group with him to the dance floor. He pulled her in close and Lily tried not to shiver when she felt his hand come to rest on her lower back. As he started slowly swaying her, she felt like so many people were watching them.

“Looked like you needed rescuing from Hestia’s gossip grilling.”

Lily chuckled weakly. “You could say that.”

James clearly picked up on her discomfort and darting eyes. “Come here.” He led them through the glass doors to the stone deck overlooking the grounds.

“It’s snowing,” Lily said wistfully, heart half in the moment, half remembering what snow on this date meant to her. She clutched at her arms but proceeded to the railing, looking up to the sky.

James cast a blue heating flame and joined her. The crisp air still nipped at them, but not as harshly, as the music from the ballroom wafted out softly. He led her into a dance once more. “Snow is sort of our thing, isn’t it?”

Lily smiled. “You think everything from our first date is our thing.”

He shrugged happily. “I don’t see why it shouldn’t be.” His eyes drifted to her neck as they continued their slow spin. “You kept it on.” His voice had turned vulnerable, now having a direct path to her heart strings.

“Of course I did.” She watched a snowflake fall and cling to his lashes before disappearing. She perched on her tippy toes, the moment too reminiscent of last year to not get lost in. His lips were just as warm and tender as they had been on the pitch then, and he kissed her just as sweetly and wholeheartedly. Only now, the intensity of her feelings made her feel like glass — glass being filled so full it was about to shatter. Did being in love always feel this way? Did love always feel like it had the power to break you?

She kept her eyes squeezed shut as she tried to regain her breath. One of James’ arms unwrapped from around her and for one horrible moment she thought he was pulling away, but then she felt his finger catch a tear that must have escaped to her cheek.

His eyes were so searching that she almost heard the crack of glass as the first fissure tore through her. “Lily, are you okay?”

_When did he become so good to me? Why didn’t I let him in sooner?_ She knew she must have had her reasons, but she couldn’t remember them for the life of her here, in his arms. “Yes,” Lily wiped at her eyes. “I am, and that makes me a shite person, because I shouldn’t be. Not today at least.” A look flashed over James’ face. “I’m sorry, this is your party, I don’t want to ruin it.” She forced a smile. “We can talk about it later. I don’t want to be selfish.”

James let out a dry chuckle. “Lils, you’re like the least selfish person I know.” He removed his robe and secured it over her shoulders in case the flame wasn’t strong enough, and then pulled her back into his chest protectively. “Talk to me.”

Lily couldn’t believe how far they’d come. It was enough to make her head spin. They really had gone from friends to enemies to lovers.

She hugged him tightly, tucking herself under his chin. “They died today. A year ago.”

She felt James take in a sharp breath before his arms around her tightened. “Fuck Lily, I’m so sorry. We never should have thrown a party—”

“No! The party is amazing! Your mother would be proud.” Lily pulled back so he could fully see her adamant protest.

One of his hands cupped her cheeks. “You’re too good for this world.”

Lily leaned into his palm, eyes fluttering closed. “Hardly.”

“I mean it,” he whispered, brushing his lips gently against her forehead. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” She opened her lids so he could see she meant it. “Maybe at the end of the night? I want to enjoy this moment with you.” She gave his waist a little squeeze with her arms. “Help me keep my mind off it?”

And so he did — gently dancing in the snow, holding on tightly, perfectly content in each other’s company. It was unbearably romantic, or it was until Sirius beckoned _all_ the guests out to their previously private deck for the firework display. He did have the decency to throw them an apologetic grimace when he saw what he was interrupting. Lily was happy that he seemed in better spirits now — earlier he had been bummed that there hadn’t been any gate crashers for him to refuse entry to (which James told her was the norm).

“At least now we have a front row view,” James whispered in her ear as he casually threw his arm around her shoulders facing out to the gardens with everyone else. He looked around. “Hey, when’s the last time you saw Marlene?”

“Not too long ago.” Lily looked around desperately for a change in topic. She had to look no farther than Brianna, shooting daggers at them from a few meters away. “You know, you never told me why you and Brianna broke up.”

Lily didn’t think she’d everseen James look **so** embarrassed. He was focusing resolutely at a spot right in front of him, as though willing the fireworks to start now. (Any second now… come on…)

She poked him in the ribs. “Oh, this must be good. Spill!”

“She dumped me,” James offered.

“Because…?”

James rolled his eyes. “Because…” he took a deep breath, “I accidentally called her someone else’s name when we were,” he fidgeted, “you know.”

Lily’s mouth formed a perfect, comical ‘o’ shape. “James! _You didn’t._ ”

He ruffled his hair. “Yeah. Not my finest moment.” He leaned over to give her temple a quick peck, murmuring into her skin, “But don’t worry. I feel like you’re much more partial to me moaning out ‘Lily,’ so future crises averted.”

Luckily for Lily, her rambunctious guffaws were soon drowned out by the most insane of firework shows, with the grand finale being a very colorful ‘Happy Fucking Christmas!’ strewn across the sky that had even Mr Potter frailly cheering. Lily had to admit, she may have watched half the show as it was reflected off of James’ glasses.

☆☆☆

After an appropriate enough length of time spent mingling, James and Lily finally snuck upstairs, tipsy and ready to act on all the longing stares they’d shot each other’s way all night. James was awfully good at angling his body towards her, even when he seemed to be in an animated discussion with Peter, or schmoozing with witches and wizards who looked to be even _older_ than his father. It gave Lily an unexpected thrill to know just how much she was always on his mind that he just couldn’t help but keep her in his orbit.

Lily also decided that James could really, truly rock formal dress robes (and no, she was not at all shocked). “ _Ugh_ , you look just as sexy as James Bond,” Lily whined, already undressing him with her eyes when they got to his hallway. She saw James about to protest, and didn’t want him to be accused of another vainglory incident. “Please don’t yell out your own name again.”

James looked cutely confused before he got distracted by a giggle coming from behind one of the doors. “Wait, is Marlene in here?” he asked, his hand reaching for her doorknob.

Lily had never reacted so fast in her life, whipping out her wand, flinging James back into the opposite side of the hall, and casting a muffling spell all at once. _You’re bloody welcome, Marlene._ “You can’t go in there.”

James looked up at her as he pushed himself off the wall, a ravenous look on his face. “That was so fucking hot.”

“What?” Lily laughed.

“I love it when you push me around, Evans,” he growled huskily, swooping down to kiss at her neck.

Lily started herding him back towards his room. “You’re so weird,” she chided breathlessly, his nips definitely affecting her body in all the ways he intended them to.

“You’re the same way, don’t lie,” he teased as he let her lead him backwards, focusing all his attention on her skin. “It’s okay, we can take turns being in control.”

Lily stifled a moan as he sucked deliciously just above her collarbone, making her knees weak.

“Fuck,” he muttered as he heard her snap the door closed behind her. “You distracted me.”

“Pretty sure you’re the one who distracted _me._ ”

He took a few steps back so they could both focus a little better. “And yet we’re in my room.” He crossed his arms. “So what’s Marlene up to?”

She mirrored his pose. “I can’t tell you that.”

James smirked and slowly took off his robe, tossing it over a nearby armchair. “And why not?” He got to work removing his cufflinks.

“Because, she’s a grown-ass woman who deserves her privacy, Potter.” She knew it was a keyword in their relationship and wasn’t afraid to push some buttons.

His hands deftly loosened his tie, pulling it lower and lower down his chest in a zigzag motion. Lily watched every single movement. “She’s my baby cousin.”

Lily started jittering her leg. “She’s older than you.”

The tie landed on a pile with the robe. _Oh god._ Now he was unbuttoning his shirt. “Everyone’s older than me, Evans.” He was halfway down now, his lips upturned so delightfully as he saw how riled up he was getting her. “Well, besides Wormtail.”

She sucked on her lower lip. “Is this really your interrogation technique?” Lily leaned back against the door for support. _Physical, moral, psychological… I’ll take them all._ He was slowly peeling his shirt back over his broad shoulders, one side at a bloody fucking time, before his shirt got discarded too. She would truly never get bored of the sight of him half-naked for her.

“Why? Is it working too well?” Lily wished she could tell him his cocky attitude did nothing to her, but she didn’t think she could pull off such a boldfaced lie.

She snorted, her eyes finally ungluing themselves from his abs. “You’re such a hypocrite.”

He got as close as he could get to her while deliberately not making contact. Lily clucked her tongue and looked up to him defiantly. “Am I?” His hot breath tickled her cleavage, his mouth angled just right over her body, making her shiver.

“Yes.” She swallowed.

He was leaning in even more now, forearm propped on the door behind her, his mouth right next to her ear. “How so?”

_Ugh, just fucking touch me already,_ Lily’s head screamed. She really shouldn’t have had all that champagne, it made her so, so unbelievably horny. Suddenly, she knew how she could win this round: “Because you’re the one already fucking every day in this house.”

James pulled back, the spell broken. “Marlene’s having sex?” he cried out distressed.

Lily had to laugh at his expression. “I mean, she’s _trying_ to.”

“With who?!”

“James, that’s none of your business!” Lily responded sternly.

“Like hell it isn’t!” James lunged for the door handle, but Lily was too quick for him, sending ropes to tie his arms and legs, making him stumble to the floor.

Even though he was restrained, James still looked like he’d won. “I **_knew_** you were into kinky shit!”

“Did you now?” Lily lazily kicked off her shoes and slowly started unpinning her hair, letting it fall in gracefully curls down her back.

“Well yeah. When you left me alone, _tied up,_ for three hours, it was a pretty strong indication. Once could be throw-away occurrence. But twice? Now we have a _pattern._ ” He gave her a saucy wink. “I’m so happy I’m here to help you test all your dirty little desires on. You know, in a nice, safe environment.”

He was being such a smart-arsed little scoundrel and _someone_ needed to put him in his place. Lily crouched down next to him, eyes glinting with maleficence. “Do you want me to fuck you tonight?” The more under her spell James appeared, the more confidence she felt budding inside of her. She was used to him playing games with her — but now she finally understood just how to compete, and **well**.

James froze completely, lips parted, staring up at her. “Obviously,” he murmured.

Lily smiled devilishly. “Then leave her,” she got right in his face, “alone.” She stood up and reached for her zipper at her back.

“Wait!” James cried from the floor. “Leave it on.”

“Huh?”

“Leave it on. Please.”

Her lips curled up as she squinted at him. “Why?”

“Because I want to fuck you in it.”

_Well_ ** _damn._** Lily tried, oh how she tried, to ignore the stirring inside of her at these simple words. Before James, she had never known just how turned on someone could make her just by speaking _._ _There he goes. Back at it with the zero shame._ Lily looked down at James smirking sexily, lying at her feet, bound and shirtless and somehow still in control. _No, this won’t do._ She got down on her knees and yanked open his belt, making his eyes go wide. She shimmied his pants down just far enough so his raging erection could slap free. She flicked her wand again so his toned arms were pinned above his head.

James looked like he was having the time of his life. “What are you gonna do to me, Evans?”

Lily grinned, leaning into him. “Whatever I damn want, Potter.”

☆☆☆

**_February? 6th Year_ **

Voldemort yelled, a cabinet at the edge of the room bursting into flame from his unbridled fury as he exited Lily’s brain once more. She had lost count of how many times he’d done this now — perused through her memories as though she was a bloody coffee table magazine.

Lily — from a bout of bravery or because she was losing her mind, she didn’t know which — burst out laughing. She was bound in very much the same way she’d had James on the floor of his bedroom… before she’d kissed and bit her way down his body, lavishing every centimeter of his skin except the part he had **_really_** wanted. She’d gotten him so worked up, he’d ended up _begging_ her to touch him there, just as her teeth had been grazing his inner thigh. She didn’t know why the situation was so hilarious ( _I am after all, probably about to die_ ) but there was something just too good about torturing Voldemort right back with hours and hours of images of her sex life. _Hey, if you’re digging in there for stuff I really wished you wouldn’t see, that’s what you’re getting._ At this point, Voldemort probably knew James’ naked body just as well as she did. _I have to tell Sirius this, he’ll think it’s the best thing to ever happen on this planet… if I ever see him again._

Being hit with _Crucio_ brought her back to reality. “ _Disgusting_ girl.” Lily had gathered through their little sessions that the most evil wizard of all time was extremely repulsed by love and sexuality in all forms. She twitched on the floor, broken and panting. “What is special about you?! _Why must I_ _keep_ _you?_ ” he shrieked, uncharacteristically losing his composure.

_Why not come take another look, you motherfucker,_ she taunted in her head, priming up her memories of the rest of that night, ready to go. She wasn’t going down without a fight. Lily grunted as she felt him enter her mind once more.


	27. Keep Your Eyes Open

**_That Night, Christmas Eve, 6th Year_ **

“ _Lily please_ , I want to come with you,” James moaned, cock between her lips and still restrained by ropes as she brought him right to the edge of his orgasm.

Lily felt bound to give in to his imploring, if only because hearing his desperation for her had gotten her so wet she now felt like she was torturing _herself_ every moment she delayed. She popped his dick out of her mouth, relaxing her jaw and licking her lips. “Fine.” She got to her feet and sauntered off to his bathroom, flicking her wand to untie him. She smiled, pouring herself a glass of water from his sink as she heard a rustling of clothing (she was pretty sure he’d just tripped fully taking his pants off) and suddenly a very naked James Potter was standing in the bathroom threshold eyeing her in all manners depraved.

_This is fun._ “Can I help you with something?” she said innocently as she bit the edge of her glass, her sexual tension needing an outlet.

It seemed as though James was past the point of being able to talk, needing a moment to regroup. He walked up behind her, moving all her hair over one of her shoulders to expose the back of her neck, and Lily watched his reflection greedily. “Lily…”

“Yes?” She put the glass down, and leaned onto the marble counter, arching her back in a way she knew would drive him up the wall. His fingers digging into her hips told her she was right.

“It’s taking all my willpower to not rip this dress off of you right now,” he muttered into her hair, pressing his body against hers.

“James,” she whispered. “Look up.”

His eyes found hers in the mirror. His lopsided smile seemed extra dirty tonight. “Fuck Evans, you naughty, naughty minx.” His hands slowly started gathering up the skirt of her dress until he could see her ass. “You’re not wearing knickers?” he asked gutturally.

“I wasn’t.” The mirror showed her that she was cocking an eyebrow, something she hadn’t even been aware she could pull off this well. Her confidence ballooned.

“ _Fuck._ ” James reached between her legs, watching her face. “And you’re so wet.”

“What do you expect when you beg for me to fuck you?” The deep register of her voice was taunting him.

James lowered his lips to her shoulder, as he began to play with her clit, his eyes predatory as they never left her. “Look at _your_ face, Lily.”

Lily turned to look directly at him. “What?”

James tutted. “In the mirror. Look at yourself as I touch you.” His left hand snaked around her stomach, slowly traveling up and around the swell of her breast. “Look at your beautiful body,” he whispered as he slipped a finger inside of her, making her clutch the edge of the counter with one hand while the other reached up behind her to grip the back of his head, stretching out her chest. “Look at your expressive face as I please you.” Lily did as she was told, watching herself as she struggled to breathe under his masterful work, crumbling in his arms. “See what I see,” his mouth trailed up her neck, his lower lip dragging along her skin, “and maybe you’ll understand why I can’t control myself around you.”

Lily could already feel the shockwaves gathering in her core, ready to burst free at any second as he continued rubbing her just right. “I want to see my face when you enter me,” she purred. She wanted him, she wanted him _right_ now — and she knew exactly what to say to get him.

He nearly combusted behind her and she tilted her head back, living for it. Without further delay, he pushed her forward slightly for a better angle, making her brace herself, and started feeding himself into her. Both of them watched as Lily’s brows creased and her mouth hung loose. “James,” she whimpered.

“Keep your eyes open, babe,” he ordered. It seemed like a simple task, but the deeper he went, the more Lily wanted nothing more than to let her eyes roll back into her head. As if sensing her struggle, his efforts on her clit redoubled while he started thrusting into her tantalizingly, hitting just the right spot within her. He groaned as he felt her walls pulsing around him. The whole damn evening had basically just been prolonged foreplay and she was ready to explode. “ _Fuck,_ Lily, why do you always feel so good?”

As he struggled to keep going, Lily pushed her hips rhythmically back onto him, determined to finish them both off. “Come for me, James,” she commanded, emerald eyes on fire, daring him to tell her to look anywhere but at his reflection for this moment. His fingers digging into her hips so brutally she knew she’d bruise, he pulled her over the edge with him, both of them all but collapsing onto the sink as their bodies trembled for each other. James tilted her face to him so his lips could somehow find hers over her shoulder.

☆☆☆

“You want to talk about it now?” James asked softly after they’d cleaned up, had peed, and were snuggling in bed. Lily didn’t have to ask what the ‘it’ he meant was. And despite having fought them so hard, Lily would now not give up their post-orgasm cuddles for anything. In those blissful moments when she was curled up at his side, his fingers tracing patterns on her back, it felt like it was them against the world. They were invincible. Lily guessed she shouldn’t be surprised that considering how their ‘relationship’ had started, she’d feel the most open to discussing matters after sex.

Lily tipped her head, resting on his chest, up to him. “Yeah. I mean honestly, there’s not much to say.” His soothing strokes continued. “So you know we were all in a car crash,” she swallowed difficultly, “driving to my silly singing performance…” She’d already come to a standstill.

“You don’t blame yourself, do you?”

_Crap._ She’d barely gotten started and he could already see right through her. She kissed his pec under her chin to avoid his all-knowing gaze. “I mean, if it weren’t for me, they wouldn’t have been on the road.”

“Lily…” He grabbed her biceps and pulled her up so they were laying side-by-side. “Don’t do that to yourself. It’s _not_ your fault.”

Lily looked resolutely at his ear. “I know I wasn’t the ice, but—“

“ **No**. No buts. The people you love have been dealt some pretty shite cards. But none of that is your fault.” His hazel eyes finally drew her in with their intensity. He brought his hand up to touch her cheek and she clung to his wrist.

“Thank you.” She gave him a watery little smile. “I just don’t know what really happened.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well… the last thing I remember is sitting in the backseat, and my dad was telling my mum this _awful_ joke, and they were laughing… and then I’m in the hospital being examined.”

“You must have passed out in the crash.”

“That’s the thing though — I didn’t. The paramedics — sorry, healers — said they found me outside of the mangled car, at the bottom of the hill, sitting down mumbling to myself. They said they had no idea how I got out since all the doors were crushed in.”

“So you must have used magic,” James supplied.

“But I didn’t have my wand on me.”

“Huh. Okay, but wandless magic isn’t unheard of — rare and extremely powerful, sure, but I wouldn’t put those traits past you.”

Lily laid a gentle kiss on the inside of his wrist just like he’d done for her (and she remembered just how much she’d loved it). “I’ve looked it up since and while it happens a lot with children before they have a proper outlet for their magic, it doesn’t normally lead to temporary amnesia. And then when Poppy said Dorcas lost her memories from Dark Magic gone wrong, obviously _that_ spooked me, like what if I fucked with dark shit and I did something—” Lily was fully spiraling now.

“Hey, hey, I doubt any Dark Magic was involved,” James said gently. “You probably don’t remember anything because it was traumatic, and your mind is just trying to protect you from the pain. That’s possible, right?”

“Yeah, of course. I’ll just never know what happened I guess. Just whatever it was it… it saved me.”

James scooted closer and kissed her nose. “Then whatever it was, I owe it my soul.” Lily fought her eyes from rolling at the dramatic proclamation he’d just made that she absolutely adored (even if she didn’t want to admit it).

☆☆☆

**_February? 6th Year_ **

“What do you mean, you don’t remember it?” Voldemort snarled. But for the first time since she’d been his prisoner, Lily noticed a disturbing glint in his otherwise dead eyes that scared the absolute shit out of her. He had finally found something of value — something he’d been desperately searching for in her brain.

Lily tried pushing herself off of the floor, all her joints screaming out, but he kicked her down, flipping her painfully onto her back. “As you _saw_ ,” she growled wincing, “I don’t know.”

“Just because you are too much of a _child_ to interpret it, doesn’t mean that _I_ won’t understand it, silly girl.”

As Voldemort approached her menacingly, like a hungry hyena about to devour an injured gazelle, Lily’s blood curdled. She didn’t _want_ to know what happened; she didn’t **want** to see her parents die. “ _Don’t_ ,” her voice shook with emotion as she pleaded.

Voldemort merely laughed a cruel, high-pitched laugh as he raised his wand to her.

☆☆☆

**_Christmas Eve, 5th Year_ **

“Lily, we’re going to be late!” her mother called from downstairs as Lily added just a little more glitter eyeshadow in the mirror. Was it over the top? Sure, but she felt as though if she couldn’t be dramatic when singing _this_ song, then when could she ever be? _Mary would approve._

“I hope you choke,” Petunia mumbled walking into the bathroom behind her and starting the shower.

“Charming as always, Tuney,” Lily muttered back, leaving the mirror and trotting down the stairs.

Her dad handed her her jacket. “You look festive.”

“Thanks dad!”

It was one of the most invasive moments she’d experienced since Voldemort had started his assault on her mind. Lily was painfully aware that they were ransacking through a memory, and that she was unable to do anything other than feel as though he was peeling her skin off layer by layer. Sure, the sex thoughts were embarrassing — but at the end of the day, it was just **sex.** Mind-blowing, earth-shattering qualities aside, it was just an act that people around the globe did daily that was still somehow considered the height of taboo. But _this?_ How often do you have to relive your parents dying? She wouldn’t wish this nightmare on anyone, not even the man currently making her do just that. _Stop it! Don’t do this!_ she screamed futilely.

They were in the car now, Lily was rolling her eyes as she saw her parents holding hands on the shifter between them. She knew she was only ridiculing in jest because her parents had the exact type of relationship that she so hopelessly aspired to have one day: 21 years in and still all googly-eyes and serendipitous touches. At 15 years old, she had no idea how to make a relationship like this happen, but she prayed one day it would all fall into place for her.

“No seriously, Joan, Joan, hear me out.” Her dad was practically bursting with amusement. “This one’s funny, I solemnly _swear._ ”

Her mother shot her a look from the front seat before turning back to her husband. “All right then. Let’s have it.”

“What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?”

Her mum gave him a very narrowed-eyed stare. “What, Brad?”

Dad was barely keeping it together as he chuckled, “ _Hornaments_.”

“Daaaaaad,” Lily whined from the backseat as her mum giggled like a schoolgirl. “You’re so—”

_No, no, please stop!_ Lily was internally screaming. At the same time she couldn’t stop taking in the crinkle in her mother’s eyes as she laughed at her father’s final joke, and at her dad’s teeth while he gave her mum one last loving smile before it was all over. _Don’t…_

But then, as though watching her own personal horror film, the mood shifted, and she could do nothing to stop it, trapped in her own mind’s eye. She heard her mother screaming about a doe on the road, and suddenly she saw it too, an innocent creature standing there frozen in terror, staring at them with big, beautiful, soulful eyes. She felt the car jerk to the side, her dad trying to swerve around it, but there was ice on the asphalt, and now they were careening out of control, headed for a guard rail at a dizzying speed.

Lily felt her heart all but pounding out of her ribcage as time came to a near halt. Suddenly, she watched as every fleck of snow outside their windows was suspended, watched the doe’s eyes follow them as they veered off the road, watched as her parents’ bodies were being flung like rag dolls in their seats.

_I can stop this, I can do something!_ she heard herself think. Then, as though her own pure desperation had willed it, a bubble just like soap — shining and multi-colored even though clear — erupted from within her, expanding, expanding, but not nearly fast enough. Its filmy essence never quite made it to the two people she wanted to protect the most in this world. She watched in horror as part of the windshield collapsed and sliced through her mother’s jugular as if it was tissue paper and her father’s skull bashed with a resounding crack into the steering wheel.

In that horrific moment, the bubble screen she’d just produced snapped back to her, useless and pathetic, clinging to her own skin traitorously even though it had failed her. Her parents were dead, and she’d done _nothing_ to stop it. Her punishment was surviving it.

Time sped back to normal and Lily watched as everything crumbled and crunched around her, ricocheting her like a pinball, nothing affecting her because her mind had already turned off with the emptiness inside of her. She was outside of the car now, numbly being approached by dumbfounded EMTs. They were talking to her, but she heard nothing, saw nothing, other than slicing glass and hard leather, over, and over, and over.

☆☆☆

_ **February? 6th Year** _

“How did you do that?” Voldemort demanded hungrily, actually clutching at her throat, crouched before her.

Lily tried fighting against his spindly fingers, choking her frantically, but she was just so tired. They hadn’t been feeding her anything other than abuse and lies. Lily shook her head of the thought of just letting him end her pain in this moment. (A pair of hazel eyes were bouncing around her thoughts, begging her to hold on.) “I don’t _know_ ,” she managed to grind out before he released her, leaving her gasping for breath.

“Well.” Voldemort stood up fully, looking down at her once more. “At least now I understand what exactly it is you can do.”

For once, Lily wished he’d continue his usual insane ranting — because she certainly didn’t understand what had just happened. _What can I do?_

Voldemort spun his cloak around him, an apex predator savoring his kill right before he made it. “I’ve finally decided exactly how I can make use of all these useless memories you tried to distract me with.”

Lily was about to protest, about to say that there had been no distraction, just a sick old man trying to destroy the mind of a young woman, but she didn’t have the chance. In the end, it didn’t matter to Voldemort that Lily hadn’t done anything malicious on purpose, just that she couldn’t think of anything other than James in those moments when he was torturing her, because all that mattered was that she _had._ And apparently that was a sin worth destroying her entire life over.

Before Lily’s eyes, Voldemort’s body transformed into James’, and she was staring into the beautiful, hazel eyes of her lover.

“Silly girl,” James’ voice mocked her, right before he pointed his wand and _Crucio_ ed her.

☆☆☆

**_Christmas, 6th Year_ **

Lily opened her eyes to find James’ gorgeous, hazel ones already studying her. “Morning beautiful.”

“Ugh, are you really a morning person?” she rasped, trying to turn away from him under the sheets. His arms kept her from migrating too far.

“I don’t know if I’d call noon _morning,_ but sure. I’m the biggest morning person you know.”

Lily turned back and kissed him, if only so she could make him as discombobulated as she felt. “Happy Christmas, James.”

James’ hands reached down and clutched at her ass, making her squirm, laughing. “Hold on, give me a moment; this is my Christmas miracle come true.”

“We need to go see our friends, Potter,” Lily commanded.

“Whatever you say, Evans,” James responded giddily.

Their adorable little friend gift-giving circle under the gigantic tree was just that — adorable, with everyone wearing ridiculously over the top Christmas jumpers. (James’ had flashing lights going around a pine and he’d forced Lily into a stag jumper, complete with a matching antler headband.) Not even Peter’s flub could completely dampen the mood. He apologized to Lily profusely for a good five minutes about not getting her a gift because he didn’t know that ‘James was actually serious about you.’ Lily tried not to let his explanation bother her, and she could see on James’ face that he was going to yell at Peter later for it, but it still stung a _little_ bit.

Lily was soon distracted, however, by Sirius’ gift for her. “You got me a book,” she guessed as she weighed the parcel in her hands, turning it this way and that.

“I did.”

She should have known he was up to no good when his grey eyes gleamed so (especially when he gave James _that_ look), but she still eagerly unwrapped it like a fool. In her hands lay a highly animated cover of two wizards going at it like rabbits. _Kama Sutra: A Witch or Wizard’s Guide to Lovemaking._ Lily nearly choked on the air she was breathing as she watched the cartoon — now using a fancy levitation charm for added acrobatics.

“I figured you guys might be running out of ways to keep it fresh. Don’t want stuff to get stale.” Sirius shot her an awfully charming wink for such a wanker.

“Thanks for your concern, Padfoot,” James said, not missing a beat as he slung an arm over Lily’s shoulders on the couch, “but we weren’t really worried about that quite yet.”

“Speak for yourself,” Lily teased. “I was thinking about trading you in for a newer, shinier model as soon as we’d run out of positions, Potter.”

Instead of getting embarrassed, James seemed up for her challenging tone. “Luckily for me, Evans,” he tapped on the hardcover in her lap demonstrably, ”there are apparently endless positions.” Suddenly, Lily couldn’t wait to go through this stupid book with him later and dog-ear all the things she wanted to do to him.

☆☆☆

After everyone had given each other their gifts (James had publicly gifted her a pair of knickers with deer print that had made Sirius chuckle and James explain that he’d noticed she liked animal graphics, so ‘might as well wear the best one’ — she vowed to get to the bottom of his strange obsession one day), Marlene and Lily finally retreated to Marlene’s room while the Marauders did who knew what.

“So?!” Lily asked, all but bursting with curiosity. “Did you?”

Marlene took a big breath like she was going to answer affirmatively but then wasted it on a crushing, “No?”

“Really?” Lily lamented.

Marlene’s shoulders slumped. “Yeah. I mean, I had a great time!” The inflection in her voice couldn’t cover the fact that she was vastly disappointed. She was clearly really taken with Rosier and was ready to go all the way.

Lily sat on her bed, motioning for Mar to join her. “So, what happened?”

“Well, he was all sweet, and we gave each other our gifts,” the blush on her cheeks told Lily she didn’t wish to elaborate on that point, “and then he seemed very gung-ho about sneaking up here with me, but then he kind of froze?” Marlene started absentmindedly braiding her hair while avoiding Lily’s serious look. “Like, we were snogging, and it was hot, or at least I thought it was hot, but as soon as I reached for his shirt, he sort of just rolled off of me.”

_Oh no._ “Um,” Lily tried, oh she was trying so hard not to focus on the obvious (it was apparent Marlene was already worrying along the exact same lines and didn’t need any more salt in that gaping [possible] wound), “is he maybe religious? You know, saving it or what not?”

“No,” Marlene sighed. “He’s definitely not.”

“I’m so sorry, Mar,” Lily said, not knowing what else she even _could_ say at this point.

“We’ll get there,” Marlene replied adamantly. “Anyway, how was your night?”

“Oh…” Lily shot her a grin. “ _Marlene._ The things I had to do to keep James from disturbing you last night…” She was trying so hard to make her friend smile again.

“Oh yeah?” Marlene played along.

“Oh yes.”

“Wow.” Marlene rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “Well, _thank you_ for your great sacrifice then, Lily.”

“Oh!” Lily had just remembered. “Way to perform a muffling spell yourself last night.”

Marlene flushed. “Ugh, it just seemed awfully presumptuous, you know? Like when you’re snogging, you don’t think about it, but if you do it as soon as you step in the room, it’s like announcing…” she trailed off.

“I’m gonna make you scream,” Lily finished for her.

“Exactly.”

“Yeah.” Lily laid down and stretched out on Marlene’s bed. “Life’s awkward.“

Marlene plopped down beside her. “I’ll say.”

☆☆☆

Not much later, James knocked on the door, asking if he could steal Lily away.

“Where are we going, James?” Lily asked curiously after she’d changed into the jeans and heavy cloak that he’d insisted on.

“Patience, babe, patience,” James said taking her hand and leading her outside. The lights on his jumper still glimmered comically through the opening of his cloak.

Lily had always assumed she’d be someone who would _hate_ lovey-dovey nicknames. They’d always sounded so stupid to her. But being called one? It just hit differently. Anyone could call her Lily, and some called her Evans (she’d noticed Sirius sometimes did too — she liked to think it was from hearing James talk about her nonstop for years), but she would only ever let one boy call her ‘babe.’ And that boy was currently looking at her mischievously whilst pulling her through the snow to his pitch.

“Why do I feel like I’m not going to like this?” Lily questioned, still perfectly in step with him despite her building suspicions.

“Because you are a naturally skeptical person and it is a trait that we are slowly trying to overcome,” James answered jovially.

Lily regarded him — _well_ — skeptically. “We?”

He shot her a wink. “So right you are. _I’ve_ been trying to help you overcome it for a year, _you_ only just started putting in any real effort.”

“You little—” Lily squeaked, jumping onto his back, ready to wrestle him to the ground, until she remembered just how pointless such a quest was given all his muscles she currently felt rippling against her body. He tucked his arms under her knees and carried her along despite the violent way she’d just mounted him.

“Almost there, Evans.”

Soon they were outside his broom shed where he carefully put her back down. “We’re not _actually_ gonna…?”

He looked back to her as his hand closed around a very fancy, very **fast** looking broom. “Fly?” he supplied.

“Yeah.” Her voice was a barely audible whisper.

“Of course. I told you I’d take you, didn’t I?” He struck out his gloved, open palm again.

“Yeah, like as our second date,” Lily threw out nonchalantly. James looked at her significantly. _Oh._ “Is this our second date, then?” She hoped she sounded more like a serious scientist asking a very academic question and less like a shivering chihuahua about to piss itself.

“It can be.” James held his still empty palm a little higher. “What do you say?”

_Fuck yes._ Lily gingerly put her mittened hand in his in response. His smug look told her he’d caught her acceptance to his offer.

“All right, let’s go.” James mounted his broom just outside the shed. “Would you like to be up front or behind?”

Lily weighed her options: behind would offer the safety of being able to grip onto him for dear life, but provide near zero visibility other than his (entirely shaggable, but still quite obscuring) back, while up front would be… exhilarating, terrifying, a face full of danger. _Fuck it._ “Front.” _Besides, James’ arms will be around me the whole time, how precarious can it really be?_

James’ proud smile seemed to confirm her selection. “All right, Evans! Hop right on.”

She had to ask him one last question before she’d be able to swing her leg over the handle. “You’ll still be able to steer, right?”

“There’s only one way to find out.” He laughed at her horrified expression. “Yes, of course, I’d never let anything happen to you, get on here.”

She trusted him, and so she did. The broom hovered a few meters higher almost immediately, as if knowing it had reached its desired capacity, making Lily gasp, leaning backwards into James’ warm chest.

“Breathe, Lily, I got you,” James said with a kiss to the back of her head as his left arm encircled her waist and his right held onto the broom in front of them. “Let’s make you fly, shall we?”

And did they ever. After working up to it with a couple slow laps around the field so Lily could get used to the feel of the broomstick between her legs, James started doing faster and faster turns and even a few loop-de-loops. Lily was having the time of her life, her stomach loving the mid-air suspended feels as she threw her hands in the air, making James strengthen his grip on her. He’d never see it, but a small victorious smile played at her lips as she experimented with his protective side. In that moment she knew, with blinding clarity despite the simpleness of the gesture he’d just performed, he would literally do anything to keep her safe for the rest of his life. It was such a powerful feeling, and Lily reminded herself not to take it for granted.

“Faster!” she jeered, making James chuckle behind her.

Both his hands clutched the broom, squeezing her securely between his biceps (Lily didn’t mind). “Whatever you want, love.” They zoomed off like a rocket, soaring over the treetops, Lily giggling madly the whole time. _Now_ _this_ _is living,_ she thought, spreading her arms out to the sides (they were immediately forced back into James’ body by the sheer force of their momentum) as she let out a triumphant scream.

She looked over her shoulder to James, his eyes glossed over, completely transfixed with her, as though he’d never seen a woman with her hair blowing in the wind before. He really needed to stop looking at her like she’d invented magic — it was going to go to her head. Hand moving to his cheek, she returned his feelings with a kiss, hoping he still had the wherewithal to steer. But if not, _fuck it, what a way to go out._

A flash of red light streaking past her closed lids made her reconsider this perspective. “What—?”

But Lily’s confused exclamation was cut off when suddenly they were flanked by two hooded and masked figures, flying just as fast as they were. Acting on pure instincts alone, Lily reached for her wand, sending out a disarming spell as James started flying evasively, understanding the immediate danger they’d just found themselves in.

“ _Expelliarmus!_ ” Lily cried, over and over as their mad chase took dizzying turns and spins. James crouched closer to her, shielding her with his body as he went into full Quidditch mode, protecting her at all costs. Lily yelped at the neck-breaking pace, but a strong arm held her in place against him, promising her she wouldn’t plummet to her death as long as he was still alive. One of the Death Eaters grabbed for her foot, forcing Lily to kick him straight in the face.

_What the fuck is happening?!_ Lily thought as the chase continued. James was clearly very good at flying, but they were outnumbered, a third Death Eater popping up and chasing them out of nowhere. He rolled away from Lily’s spell and retaliated with a streak of orange light that sliced through James’ arm. She felt his grunt of pain more than she heard it.

“We need to go back!” she screamed against the rushing of wind as they continued to fly. James’ maneuvers were getting weaker and weaker and she could tell he was losing steam — and blood.

“No!” he yelled. “We can’t bring them home!”

“James, there must be a ward!” she cried back, jerking the broom back towards the manor. Either because he was too hurt, or because he agreed with her reasoning, James allowed her redirect. She flattened them on the broom, willing it to speed with all its might to an invisible barrier their assailants couldn’t cross.

By the time they were back above his backyard, his body was getting heavier and heavier against her spine, slumping in the most heart-stopping of ways. “James!” she sobbed desperately, as they got precariously close to the ground. She was pretty sure they were no longer being followed, if the lack of sizzling curses were any indication, but all that would mean jack shit if they died on their too rough landing. “ ** _JAMES_** _!_ ”

The fear in her voice must have sprung him to action, because with one feeble jerk of his good arm, James halted the broom’s downward spiral, making them only tumble lightly onto the soft snow. Lily scrambled to her feet instantly. “James, are you okay?” she asked frantically, pulling back his cloak to see his raw and filleted arm, blood already staining the virgin snow around him. “Fuck,“ she cried, pulling out her wand. She sent out a Patronus, asking Sirius to find his father’s Dittany and Blood Replenishing Potion. Then, she conjured a tourniquet, wrapping it tightly near his shoulder. She willed herself not to look at her face lest she lose it. After a few failed attempts at stitching spells, she levitated him behind her as she ran them to the manor; he’d already passed out.

“Lily?” Sirius asked, two vials held tightly in his hand. His gaze landed on James unconsciously floating in behind her and he nearly dropped them to the floor, turning deathly pale. “ _Prongs_?!” he screamed, jumping to Lily’s side as she lowered James onto the nearest couch.

“Go to Mungo’s for help,” Lily said professionally, taking the vials out of his clenched fingers and fully and gently removing James’ cloak. She tried to ignore how blue his lips were turning when she forced the replenishing liquid down his throat.

“What happened?” Sirius stuttered, his eyes wide. He was in shock.

Lily grabbed his shoulders and got right in his face. “Sirius! Listen to me: Mungo’s, help, **_NOW_** _._ ” She’d do it herself, but her Apparation was shaky at best under the most optimal of circumstances. (And even if she had completely mastered the skill, she knew she would never be able to leave James’ side.) Something in Sirius’ mind clicked and suddenly Lily was left clutching at air as he disappeared.

Snitch and Quaffle appeared to investigate the source of all the noise but luckily needed no instructions, fetching clean cloths and supplies off of intuition alone.

“James,” Lily spoke desperately, severing off James’ long jumper sleeve so she could get a good look at his wound. It was as if someone had taken a machete and slashed along the line of his bicep from shoulder to elbow. Lily tried to quell the bleeding. “James, can you hear me?” She uncorked the vial of Dittany and began pouring the murky brown liquid into the slice. It huffed an angry cloud of smoke back at her. _Fuck!! Dark Magic._

“Course, Evans.” His feeble croak warmed every centimeter of her heart. “They didn’t hit my ears.”

“Prat,” she said lovingly as she applied pressure. She’d never been so happy to be sassed in her life.

She could have cried from relief when a team of healers arrived to take over Lily’s job, asking her to come to the hospital for questioning to help their process along. When she confirmed it was a Death Eater attack, a muttering fell over the group and they summoned another witch who apparently specialized in dark curses. Lily hated that this was even a branch of healing that had to exist.

“We’ve got it from here, Miss, you can let go now,” one kind healer said, reminding Lily that she had held James’ hand in a vice grip ever since they’d been Side-Along Apparated to Mungo’s. The healer was trying to usher her to the waiting room where she knew Sirius was. She didn’t want to let go — James looked like he was in so much pain. Lily wanted to tell him how she felt, she wanted to say _anything_ really, but the healer’s pushes were insistent, and soon she was on the other side of the room, watching them huddled around James as the door swung shut between them.

It felt as though her lungs collapsed as soon as she heard the clicking of the latch.

“Is he okay?!” Sirius’ panic was palpable. “What the fuck happened out there?”

Lily couldn’t stop staring at the spot on the door where she’d last seen James’ face. Adrenaline had powered her through the past half hour of her life, but now her mind was reeling. She turned to Sirius, tears already streaking down her face. “ _Sirius_ …” she threw her arms around his neck, and he let her, hugging her waist just as tightly.

“It’s okay, Lily, we’re all here, we made it.” He must have registered the agony in her voice and switched gears accordingly. He drew back. “What happened?” he asked softer this time.

“Death Eaters,” Lily replied shakily, still fighting off sobs. “We were just flying but then suddenly there were three of them. It all happened so fucking fast… it was like they were waiting for us.” Lily pulled all the way out of his reach so she could start pacing. “Dumbledore told us not to leave the property… but I had no idea it was _this bad._ We got so caught up, we must not have noticed we crossed over.”

“So they chased you?” Sirius seemed furious.

“Yeah.” She nodded her head absentmindedly, trying to remember details. “I think one of them tried to grab me, which made James fly like a madman to outmaneuver them. That’s why they were firing hexes.”

“And one of them hit him.”

Lily shook affirmatively, because thinking about James’ mangled arm made her so sick with worry, she was afraid she was going to start crying all over again.

“Fuck,” Sirius muttered. “Thank Merlin you’re a healer, Evans.”

Lily was prepared for him to yell at her and tell her everything was her fault, _again,_ not for Sirius to look at her gratefully like she’d actually just saved the day. She didn’t feel like she deserved it in the slightest. They were after _her_ (Snape had told her as much), she had distracted James enough that they had left the property, and now _James_ was lying in a hospital bed.

She said nothing.

Lily and Sirius waited in silence, taking turns pacing and moodily sitting, not willing to go anywhere so they wouldn’t miss an update on their favorite human.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Tiff explains her reasoning: Okay, so yeah, I'm kinda going in deep with Harry being special because Lily is powerful. I was never happy with JK's reasoning that Harry survived Voldemort from a mere 'love' sacrifice. I get that she was offered to be spared and didn't accept (while James wasn't even offered and just sacrificed himself), but come on, that could NOT be the first time someone died for a loved one like that. So I think in order for Harry to be special and protected from the death curse, one of his parents had to be gifted, so that's what I'm going with :) I mean, that's pretty much canon even though Lily doesn't get nearly enough credit for it!


	28. Borrowed Time

**_Christmas, 6th Year_ **

Several hours (and Sirius convincing Lily that they shouldn’t summon his father because he did poorly in hospitals and might not grasp what was going on anyway — no need to upset him) later, a healer finally came out to give them a much needed update on James’ condition.

Lily and Sirius both jumped to their feet.

“Good news,” she said kindly. “We were finally able to find a counter-curse for the spell.” Lily let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding in. “This means we were able to heal the wound and seal it. His arm should regain close to complete motor function. The length of time it was open means there will be severe scarring, however.”

Lily knew it was a wholly inappropriate response, but she couldn’t help it: she snorted. She _knew_ James would have a dumbass crack about his new scar for her — and she couldn’t _wait_ to hear it.

“We’ll send him home with ointments to apply to reduce inflammation and tenderness.” She looked between them. “Will one of you be responsible for ensuring he gets home care…?”

“I will,” Lily beat Sirius to the punch. She didn’t even mind the knowing look he subsequently gave her. “I can do that.”

“Wonderful.” The healer turned to her and explained the doses and intervals needed.

Then they were finally allowed to see him. “Prongs!” Sirius yelled, rushing through the door and immediately engulfing James, his arm in a sling between them be damned, into a bear hug.

“ ** _Ow_**!” James cried underneath him.

“Oops, sorry,” Sirius said pulling back.

Lily lingered in the doorway watching them, suddenly feeling like an outsider to a family reunion. James’ gaze finding her seconds later melted her fear away. “Lily,” he spoke softly, reaching for her with his good hand. She gladly walked up to him and took it. “The healers said I had my _girlfriend_ to thank for still having an arm.” His smile was a little too pleased for someone who had just been attacked by three Death Eaters.

Lily looked over her shoulders dramatically. “Oh? Where is she? Should I go find her for you?”

Sirius chuckled.

James’ grin went lopsided. “Thank you, Lily. Seriously.”

She wished people would stop doing that. Didn’t they see it was all her fucking fault?

“Okay, okay, get all emotional later, now — tell me, what happened? Did you do the Wronski Feint? The Romanian Roll? How’d you shake ‘em?”

Lily and James were both overcome with gratitude that Sirius knew just how to make everyone laugh in this terrible setting.

☆☆☆

When the trio returned home, they were inundated by Marlene, Remus, and Peter who had all apparently been informed by the house-elves what had happened, but had been turned away from Mungo’s because James had already reached ‘patient visitor capacity.’ James didn’t at all look put out by how much his friends fawned over him as he lay on the (since cleaned) couch. Lily could not share in his ease as all she saw when she looked at that damn couch was flashes of him bleeding out lifelessly.

Lily excused herself to go send an owl (Eros of course, Raven — James’ snowy — was still avoiding her) to Dumbledore to tell him what had just happened. She’d written, ‘PS Happy Christmas!’ because writing to your Headmaster over vacation to inform him of a near death experience wasn’t awkward enough as it was.

Lily could never have guessed that Dumbledore would owl back a mere 52 minutes later as everyone was digging into a plate of cookies and recounting their happiest Christmas memories with a hurried little note.

_Miss Evans — stay where you are. Do_ _not_ _leave again. I cannot stress this enough. I will visit tomorrow as soon as I can, I must arrange some things first._

_Well fuck._ That didn’t sound ominous or anything.

“Everything all right?” James asked, propped up by pillows, eyeing her curiously as Eros flew back to the owlery.

How he still worried about her, _always_ worried about her, even though he was the injured one surrounded by his doting friends, baffled her. “Yes,” she lied, giving him her most convincing smile. She could tell he saw right through it, but didn’t want to put her on the spot in front of company. She appreciated the hell out of him for it.

A couple hours later, Lily insisted she bring him to bed for his first round of treatment, naturally garnering her all sorts of jokes. “Oh yes, wouldn’t want to get in the way of our man’s _very special care,_ ” Sirius taunted merrily. The boy hadn’t left James’ side since they’d all gone home, insisting James not lift a finger lest he irritate his injuries. Lily had to admit it was rather adorable to see, even if she thought Sirius feeding him was a bit much. Truth be told though, she couldn’t wait to get him alone. It had been a long, terrible day and she just wanted to hold him.

“Shut it, Black,” Lily jeered back, lips twitching. “He’s _hurt._ Get your mind out of the gutter.”

James got to his feet, paying special attention not to jostle his arm. “I’m not _that_ hurt, Evans.”

Lily cocked an eyebrow at him and pointed a finger to his chest. “No.”

She bade everyone goodnight and happy Christmas ( _damn holiday_ ) and ushered James upstairs. As soon as she’d closed the door to his room, she clutched his face in both her hands and brought her lips to his, beside herself with desperation. “I was so worried,” she breathed. Her eyes shamelessly took in every bit of his face, so happy that she had the opportunity to even do so.

He traced her cheek back. “I know.” He gave her a small smile. “But we’re all right. Everything’s okay.”

Lily sighed choppily. “I’m so sorry.” Her nose scrunched, trying to stop herself from embarrassingly sobbing in front of him. “I’m _so_ sorry I put you in danger—”

“Stop,” James whispered ardently. “ _We_ went out there. If anything, I should be apologizing to you for steering us past the grounds after Dumbledore’s warning.”

“No. It was an honest mistake.”

“Okay. So don’t blame yourself, then.” Lily nodded reluctantly, trapped by her own logic. “You’re too hard on yourself, love.” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Now,” he smiled wicked, clearly trying to shift the mood, “did you actually get me up here for treatment, or…?”

“ _Yes,_ ” she replied sternly, pointing to the bed and getting his medicine out of her pocket. “I actually did.”

“Shame.” The corner of James’ mouth twitched as he plopped himself onto the bed, removed his sling, and painstakingly tried to strip off his tattered jumper. The twinkling lights that had seemed so festive this morning ( _was that really still today?_ ) were mocking them with sporadic bursts of fake cheer.

Lily took pity on him. “Let me help,” she said, gently tugging the fabric over his head — giggling when his glasses went completely wonky — and shimmying it off his bad arm. “Perhaps you should only wear robes for the rest of the holiday.”

“Is that an official suggestion as my healer?” James asked naughtily.

Lily couldn’t help but grin at him. “Yes, James.”

“So you don’t just want me to be shirtless from now on for your own benefit?”

“That is merely a happy coincidence.” She swooped down for a sweet kiss before unscrewing the tube of thick lime green paste to apply to James’ fresh scar. James crinkled his nose. “Does it hurt?” she asked concerned.

“Nah, just smells very strongly of mint.”

Lily rolled her eyes, smoothing out a thin layer down his arm just as the healer had instructed. Biting her lip, to keep her thoughts strictly professional and refrain from objectifying the shit out of her patient, proved necessary too. “You couldn’t help yourself could you?” James shot her a quizzical look, so she continued jokingly, “Tell a boy _one time_ his scars are hot and he goes out and gets an even bigger one.”

“Damn.” James winked at her. “You caught me.” Lily put away the supplies onto his nightstand. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” she replied.

“You know, now I _really_ need to get you a hot healer outfit.”

“ _James,_ ” Lily said faux-exasperated. “Please don’t belittle my chosen profession like that.”

James held in a smirk. “You’re right. My apologies. How about that bartending outfit, do you still have that?” Lily, who had settled herself against his good shoulder, backed up her head to give him a _look._ “What?!” James laughed. “I nearly _died_ today, Lils. It put things into perspective.”

“I can’t believe you’re being glib.”

“I most certainly am not! I could never be glib about my how much I want you.“

Lily settled back down against him. “It must be so exhausting.”

“What?”

“Being so smooth all the time.”

“Oh, you have no idea.” Lily giggled before they fell into a pensive silence. James broke it first. “I’m sorry Christmas was a bust.”

Lily’s hand came up to gently stroke up and down his sternum. “The first half was pretty amazing.”

“I wish we knew why Voldemort is after you.” James’ voice was low and scared.

“Dumbledore’s coming tomorrow, I plan on getting it out of him then.”

James jerked back, trying to see her face. “He is? Can I be there?”

Lily’s lips curled. “I figure you’d try to spy on us if you couldn’t anyway.”

James shrugged. “Nah Lily, I’m a changed man.”

“Uh huh.”

☆☆☆

“Morning students,” Dumbledore said to the four faces gaping up at him when he Flooed in the next morning as they were relaxing by the fireplace. “Miss Evans and Mr Potter, a word in private please.” Dumbledore strode into the dining room.

Lily and James looked to each other briefly before rushing to follow him.

Dumbledore had sat himself at the head of the table, purple robes gleaming, and motioned for them to sit on either side of him. They dutifully obliged. “Tell me everything.”

And so they did. _Sorta._ They neglected to mention just _why_ they hadn’t noticed they were leaving the ward that Dumbledore had failed to inform them of (Lily tried not to bring it up accusatorially), but otherwise they spared no details.

“So their masks left them unidentifiable?” Dumbledore questioned.

“Yes.”

“Hm, seems as though they are getting smarter. They used to just wear the hoods,” he mused.

“Lily,” James said unexpectedly, as though their retelling of the previous day’s events had just reminded him of something. “Next time, perhaps we should try something worse than a disarming spell.”

“Like what?” Lily asked.

“I don’t know, stunning at the very least?”

“James, we were on brooms. They would have fallen and _died,_ ” she responded like it was obvious.

Dumbledore smiled omnipotently before clearing his throat, cutting off James’ reply. “Miss Evans, I think it might be in your best interest to return to Hogwarts. I can assure your safety there.”

“But what about my friends?” Lily pushed back immediately. “If they think I’m here, everyone will still be danger.”

Dumbledore steepled his fingers. “It is a legitimate concern. However, I have full faith in my wards and the two Aurors who have been assigned to guard the perimeter since you alerted me of your attack. As long as everyone stays in,” his eyes glanced at them poignantly over his glasses, “you will be safe.”

“I think we should stick together,” James said.

Dumbledore looked to Lily and she gave James a little smile before giving the older wizard a curt nod. “Very well.”

“Professor,” Lily was at the end of her rope with being anything but direct. She’d just nearly watched the man she loved bleed out the day before, and slept terribly lying awake thinking about it, for fuck’s sake. “Why is Voldemort after me?”

The air froze in the room at Lily’s simple but emotional plea. For a minute, there was nothing but the sound of James’ knee bouncing against the bottom of the table. “I suppose at nearly 17 years old, you are old enough to know the truth.”

_Well, that doesn’t sound fucking good._ Lily couldn’t help but panic. Across the table, James was also looking at Dumbledore with insurmountable apprehension.

“You are both familiar with Professor Riya Harris, yes?”

“The Divination professor?” Lily clarified.

“Yes, the one. Well, it appears as though she had a premonition regarding you, Miss Evans.”

Lily felt James’ eyes snap to her protectively. “Me? But Professor, I don’t even know her. I never even took her class!”

“All the same, it seems as though Divination does not work that way. She let us know that for quite some time, she’s been picking up,” Dumbledore paused slightly, as though he knew how ridiculous his next words would be, “an aura from you, but it wasn’t until recently that she was able to interpret it.”

“An _aura_?” Lily repeated dumbfounded.

“Yes,” Dumbledore confirmed plainly.

Lily noticed James was uncharacteristically silent. “So what’s this aura say?”

Dumbledore leaned into the table gravely. “Miss Evans and Mr Potter, I hope you understand that what I say here could have terrible consequences if repeated to the wrong people and it is therefore not allowed to leave the confines of this room?”

The seriousness of his statement scared both teens into submissive nods.

“Very well. Riya made a prophecy on July 31st that there were two people Voldemort needed to kill in order to achieve lifelong invincibility. Two people, and two people alone.”

It was one of those moments in her life where Lily could have sworn time stood still and she’d left her body and become an outsider looking in. _Please don’t say James,_ _please_ _don’t say James…_

“You, Miss Evans, and Frank Longbottom.”

“ **What**?!” James finally shouted, sounding mad as hell. “Why does he need to— why is he—?” James couldn’t seem to form words, too torn up about Lily’s new apparent fate — to die at the hands of a psychopath.

“James—” Lily tried to intervene, but James didn’t let her as he was too busy yelling at the messenger.

“ _No!_ Tell him he can’t have her! Tell him to get someone—”

“James.” Lily reached over the table to hold his good hand, presently clenched in a tight fist. “Let him finish,” she tried saying comfortingly. She had no idea where her current state of calm was even coming from. She’d just as good as been told she was already dead.

James looked as though he had a thousand more threats and curses lined up and ready to go, but his need to listen to Lily was winning out.

Dumbledore looked at her regretfully, a man hardened by copious amounts of bad news in his life but who somehow still had the capacity to let it all affect him at a deep, sympathetic level. “I am sorry, Miss Evans. I know this is not news you wished to hear.”

Lily gathered all the willpower she had left to focus on details. “I guess I don’t understand how me and Frank are related?”

Dumbledore nodded to her. “Yes. I’m at a loss there as well. I was under the impression that you two were not well acquainted while at Hogwarts?”

_Nope._ All she knew was that Frank was a Hufflepuff four or five years her senior. _A prefect… maybe?_ “Correct.”

“A perfectly fine gentleman, yes, but we cannot seem to wrap our heads around how you two could be responsible for bringing forth the end of evil.”

_Whoa._ It was weird as hell hearing the prophecy being said like that. _How am_ _I_ _expected to do anything? I’m no one special… I’m just… Lily. Just, plain old Lily._ How was a 16 year old witch supposed to stop a madman when the most impressive thing she felt like she’d done so far in her life was survive the past year? “Professor, who knows about the prophecy?”

Dumbledore sighed deeply. “That’s where things get tricky, I’m afraid. You see, we were hoping it was only Professor Harris, the woman who she originally told the prophecy to, myself and my most trusted advisors. We were hoping Voldemort would never even hear of this prophecy.”

“But he did,” Lily said numbly.

Dumbledore nodded. “The protection we provided was just a precaution. That there was someone to protect against seems to imply so, yes.”

“How does that happen? Someone must have snitched,” James said angrily.

“Unfortunately, I do not know Mr Potter.” Dumbledore looked tired, so, so tired.

“How not? If there were really only so many people who heard—”

“James.” Lily squeezed his hand, having somehow forgotten they were still even holding them with all of Dumbledore’s earth-shattering revelations. She saw him take a deep breath to regain his composure.

“Sorry Professor,” he tried again, “I just don’t understand how word could have gotten out.”

“Short of locking everyone who knew in a dungeon and throwing away the key,” Dumbledore shouldn’t have said this, it looked like James thought it would have been an all right solution if it meant that Lily didn’t die, “there was only so much we could do.” Dumbledore bowed his head. “I must apologize though, Miss Evans. I truly did not believe that Voldemort would care for such things as prophecies. That was my mistake. I will not make it again.”

Lily believed him. “Is Frank safe then?” Dumbledore nodded yes. _Here it goes, the moment of truth:_ “What am I supposed to do?”

She thought that the wise wizard looked extremely sad in this moment. “Stay alive.”

☆☆☆

After Dumbledore had left and James and Lily reconvened with Marlene and Sirius, Lily noticed James no longer seemed as amused by their attention to his injury. Instead of basking in being doted upon, it was like James felt Sirius was now pointing out how defenseless he was. Lily saw him bristling when Sirius tried to help him practice doing magic with his left hand. She supposed as someone who often acted like it was his sole goal in life to protect her, being hurt himself had become a clear hindrance.

Lily excused herself a little while later to get some time alone to think about what the fuck had just happened. Not only did she need space to process, but she was also finding it harder and harder to be around James and all his heartbreakingly worried looks in her direction. He kept staring at her like it might be for the last time.

_So it was never about recruitment — Voldemort just wants to kill me_. At least that made a little more sense than the absolute hogwash Snape had tried to feed her. _Did he know?_ He acted like he was in Voldemort’s inner circle, and she’d found that highly unlikely at the time, but if he _was…_ he would have been bringing her in to be murdered for his new master’s invincibility. Lily shivered. _How could he?_

Something that didn’t make sense, though, was if they were supposed to kill her, why hadn’t the Death Eaters been casting _Avada Kedavra_ her way? She knew from class that it was supposed to be green, but all the spells had been a brilliant array of reds, oranges and purples — not a single green. Yesterday would have been the perfect time to kill her. She’d been on a broomstick, meters and meters up in the sky — such an easy target. But instead, they’d lunged for her and tried to grab her. _Why?_ _Does Voldemort have to be the one to do it himself for the prophecy to come true?_ She supposed someone like that would think he had more important things to do than dillydally outside of a ward waiting for a slip up. Lily knew very little about this evil wizard, but somehow she knew with absolute certainty that he totally would have his lackeys do his boring stakeouts for him _. But how did they even know I was here?!_

It was almost unsettling how placidly Lily was contemplating her possible murder. She didn’t want to say that it didn’t bother her, because _of course it did,_ but it also sort of made sense. A small part of Lily had always known she was going to die young — a lamb for the slaughter, as it were. She couldn’t explain it — it had always just been there, a feeling lingering in the back of her heart. It was a feeling that had only grown stronger after the death of her parents.

It wasn’t like this feeling was something she could discuss with her friends either: telling people you thought you were destined to die before they did would get you awkward-as-hell looks at best, reported to someone for psych evaluations at worst. And Lily very much didn’t like the sound of a straitjacket when they would undoubtedly find something wrong with her.

Perhaps this was why Dumbledore’s news didn’t shake her the way it seemed to be rocking James to his very core. It seemed inevitable. It seemed unavoidable. It was like destiny had finally come knocking and was waiting to take Lily home.

If she really thought about it, Lily supposed this feeling of living on borrowed time had shaped much of her life. She’d tried to mollify James when they were baring their souls to one another in a silly game of 20 Questions, but she actually had thought on many occasions in 5th year that she just might die. As it turned out, she was off by a year. Because at the end of the day, if the most evil wizard of all time saw you as standing in the way of taking over the Wizarding World... what chance did you reasonably have?


	29. Fallout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't want anyone to think I'm anti-journalist. I'm really not, I just know Harry had problems with The Prophet specifically, so, GUESS WHAT, Lily's not a fan either.

**_Day After Christmas, 6th Year_ **

The air in Lily’s room was sombre when James knocked on her door that night, finding a blanket-wrapped Lily in a chair by her window. Lily had been sitting in that very spot for a few hours, watching the snow and mulling over her fate. It pained her to know that if the attack hadn’t happened, if she and James had still been blissfully unaware of dumb things like prophecies and plots for world domination, they would probably be outside right now: pelting Sirius and Marlene with snowballs in an all-out snow war or maybe building snowmen and igloos. (She knew with near certainty that James would then have tried to persuade her to shag in said igloo — and he wouldn’t have had to try very hard.) But alas, that was no longer their reality.

“May I come in?” Lily knew he must have been festering in the same uneasy feeling considering he hadn’t just used the wall to enter her room.  
  
“Course.”

James walked up to her more hesitantly than she’d ever seen him do before, sitting at the very edge of her bed, facing her. “How are you?”

She let out a small huff. “Probably as good as you.”

“So bloody brilliantly,” he replied sarcastically.

“Yep.” Lily held her knees to her chest tightly. _This sucks._

“Can I do anything?” James asked earnestly, hazel eyes looking at her hopefully.

“James, don’t.” Lily’s voice was chipped.

He looked genuinely confused. “Don’t what?”

 _Fuck, he’s gonna make me fully fucking say it. Come on, James…_ “You know what.”

His eyes widened dramatically. “Actually, I really don’t. Tell me.”

She studied him critically. How was he going to pretend like everything hadn’t just shattered around them?

He clearly didn’t like her loaded look. “What?” he asked her, frustratedly running a hand through his hair. The action seemed jerky and awkward as he clearly wasn’t used to doing things with his left arm. Her silence stretched on, not knowing how to start. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“ _James._ ” One word. One syllable. One sound of heartbreaking finality.

His features started twitching, shifting, fighting emotions that were clearly threatening to overwhelm him. His eyes shut tightly as he took a deep breath. “What, Lily?”

So he wasn’t going to let her take the easy route out of this. There was a good bout of silence as two stubborn people on the opposite ends of a spectrum waited each other out. Surprisingly (to her at least), James broke first. “Don’t do this.” Lily hated just how vulnerable he sounded.

“Do what?”

“Pull back. Shut me out. All of it.” James was daring her to hold his eye contact with the intensity of his words. “Don’t put that wall back up, Lils. Let me in.”

Lily scoffed. “I think I’ve let you _in_ plenty of times.”

“No,” James spoke vehemently. “No, you don’t get to deflect right now; you don’t get to banter away the seriousness of this because you’re afraid.”

Lily felt her blood turn to ice in her veins. How did he always do this? How did he get so good at reading her? It wasn’t fair. “What, and you’re not?” she spat.

“Not what?”

“You’re not scared shitless right now?” Lily heard her pitch rising.

James leaned into her over his knees. “Of course I am, Lily. But I’m not going to use it as an excuse to run away—”

“It’s not an excuse!” she nearly yelled. “James. He’s going to _kill_ me. You understand that right?!”

“Yeah, I heard—”

“But did you _understand_ it, James?”

He snorted. “Yes, I speak English, Lily—”

“Okay, so then you get it,” Lily clasped her hands and tapped them anxiously against her chin.

“No,” James replied defiantly. “Actually I don’t. Explain it to me.”

 _Why is he being so fucking difficult right now?_ Lily drew in a deep breath. “You get why this,” she couldn’t look at him while she pointed between them, “can’t happen anymore.”

“Because?”

 _Well, at least if he’s being a dick, it makes it a little easier to break both of our hearts._ “Because there’s no point.” The roughness of her words left a metallic tinge in the room, cutting them both deeply. “I’m sorry James,” she was looking at the ceiling now, “but I can’t drag someone down with me. It isn’t right.”

“Bullshit.”

Her eyes finally snapped back to his face. He looked torn between anger and resistance. “It’s _not bullshit,_ you’ve already gotten hurt because of me! They nearly destroyed your goddamn wand arm!”

“So _you’re_ the one stealing my say in things now?”

“What?” Lily asked sincerely confused.

“This whole time you made such a big deal about me worrying about your safety, and respecting your independence, and the _first time,_ the literal first time, something might negatively affect me, and you say I don’t get to decide for myself what I want to do?”

Lily’s jaw opened and closed uselessly, at a complete loss at how to respond. _This is so different, isn’t it?_ “That’s not true. I’ve been putting you in danger before this even happened. I’m a Muggle-born, and you’re a Pureblood—”

“ _So?_ I don’t care!”

“That doesn’t mean other people don’t! And fine, that was one thing, but—”

“Wait,” James interrupted incredulously, “were you seriously worried about that? About our _blood statuses_?” He spoke the final words like it was the dumbest, most archaic concept in the world.

Lily’s face contorted in what felt like a million little ways. “Yes! How can I not? Being associated with me has always been a risk!” _But now it’s gotten a thousand times worse._ “James.” Her tone had turned pleading. She **needed** him to understand this; she couldn’t follow through on her decision alone, she knew that. “I’ve just been given a death sentence.” Her breathing rattled. “It sucks, but it is the way it’s apparently got to be—” he made like he was going to interrupt her, so she powered on faster, “but you? You don’t have to die!” She pushed her hair back, making her body into an even tighter ball on the armchair. “This is so stupid. We’re not together. It’s okay. You can just move on—”

Something in James got triggered and he slid off the bed, moving to his knees in front of her. “Hey. Look at me,” he demanded, holding onto her chair with his good hand. “Look at me.”

She reluctantly did so. He looked so serious.

“You can tell when I’m lying, yeah?” She nodded. _Don’t._ She could see in his eyes where he was about to go and her heart jumped to her throat. “I love you,” he whispered ardently, and Lily felt the words hitting every corner of her soul. _Holy shit… he said it… Like not while we're having sex. He_ ** _loves_** _me._ He gave a small sad smile as Lily felt tears welling in her eyes. “I love you, Lily Evans, and you _know_ that.” His hand migrated to her knees. “So you know why I have to say, **fuck** your logic and your noble attempts to keep me out of danger, because I don’t care. I choose you. I’ll choose you every goddamn time too; I’d like to see Voldemort try to stop me from being with you.” He gave her knee a squeeze. "We're gonna fight this. And we're gonna win.” She wondered how he sounded so damn confident.

Lily let out a little chuckle, despite her nose getting all snotty with his silly little love declaration. Lily had to see it that way, because she didn’t know if she could currently handle taking it any other way. “You’ve got to make this super hard for me, don’t you?” she joked.

He gave her a somehow even more melancholy smile as he rested his chin on her knees. “It’s what I’m best at.”

Lily ran her hand through his hair, relishing in its silky, messy goodness that she’d grown obsessed with. _You ruin everything you touch, Evans. You’re only going to take him down with you. You’re going to ruin his life…_ “I don’t want you to get hurt, James,” she confessed softly.

“Then don’t dump me.”

She laughed despite herself. He really was something else.

Sensing they weren’t going to get anywhere on this topic tonight, Lily brought him back to his room for his wound’s nightly treatment. James seemed surprised she was willing to still do it, but Lily scolded him, pointing out that she’d never let a disagreement get in the way of her caring for him. James had shifted uncomfortably at that, and seemed to be flexing harder than usual while she applied the paste. She wasn’t meeting his eye, too lost in her own spiraling thoughts.

After she’d taken care of his injury, she turned to the wall to retreat to her bed for the night.

“Pineapple,” James said faintly behind her, and she watched as the wall glowed purple in front of her face.

“James,” she reprimanded, not turning to face him. “That’s wrong, you can’t do that.”

The ache in his voice nearly broke her. “I wanted you to stop what you were doing because I hated it. Isn’t that what a safe word’s for?” She stood there frozen so he added, “Don’t leave.”

Against her better judgement, Lily lay down by his side and let him pull her in close.

☆☆☆

When Lily woke up the next morning, she knew something was wrong. She didn’t know how to describe it other than just a feeling that permeated all the way to her bones.

Not wanting to wake James, she slipped out of his bed as stealthily as possible, grabbed a warm dressing robe from her room, and padded down the stairs, ready to read _The Prophet_ in the early dawn light. When she finally settled on the couch in front of the fire she’d just lit, a fresh tea in her hands, she unfurled the paper — and screamed.

Either her voice or the shattering of glass must have alerted Sirius to trouble, because five seconds later, there was a popping noise and her friend was standing there in just his boxers, eyes puffy, looking around the room frantically. He must have just woken up and Apparated down, first thing. He lowered his wand when he saw Lily sitting there, in front of a puddle of tea, staring at the paper shellshocked.

“Evans, what’s wrong?”

Lily didn’t say anything, only handed him the front page. Sirius’ eyes widened as he read. “Is this…?” he trailed off awkwardly.

Lily nodded. _Oh poor, pure Adam._ “Adam’s family. He’s the only one who survived.”

☆☆☆

An hour later, Marlene, Lily, James, and Sirius were all sitting at a thoroughly depressing breakfast, none of them really knowing what to say. They had all been aware that there was a war brewing, but to have almost an entire family, and one they actually knew, murdered? It made everything feel so much more real.

Lily’s first priority after finding out the news had been writing to Adam. She hadn’t even known what the hell to say other than she was here if he needed her. She tried to put herself back in his headspace, as horrible as that felt, because she’d been there (minus a sibling), but there really was nothing to say. All she could do was remind him she was someone he could reach out to… if that helped him.

“It’s just so terrible,” Marlene said, clutching her mug tightly. “Like, why them?”

The article had been _awful._ “ **PROMINENT WIZARDING FAMILY SLAIN** ” it had been titled with a large moving picture of the Dark Mark in the sky over an otherwise lovely looking home. It wasn’t until Lily had gotten to the third paragraph that she’d even know that Adam was the ‘sole-surviving Paxton’ because he’d been out of the house during the attack. _Fuck these_ Prophet _reporters for putting sensationalism over journalism._ Lily’s heart had soared in relief right before it had plummeted through the crust of the earth for her friend. Adam must have come home to find his whole family slaughtered. How could you ever truly recover from that?

Lily had discovered through the article that both of Adam’s parents were Ministry officials and had both been Head Students while at Hogwarts, just like his brother Paxton. Lily couldn’t look at the family photo they’d included below the fold for more than a couple seconds. At first, she noticed just how warm and happy Adam’s parents appeared. They were radiating sunshine out of every pore, just like she’d seen Adam do that one time in Herbology. But the longer she looked, the more her gaze was drawn to Paxton’s smile lighting up the frame with his unnaturally bright teeth. _He literally just wanted to fucking ‘get his groove on,’ and you voted down his proposal of a winter formal that he petitioned so hard for. It was probably the last chance that boy had to just fucking dance and you shot it down._ She couldn’t believe he was dead. A boy who had asked her out, who she’d rejected, who she’d seen in the halls of Hogwarts for 6 years now, _gone_. And for what? They were supposed to be children.

Lily hadn’t felt like a child in a long time.

“I don’t think these psychos have any rhyme or reason, Mar,” Sirius said darkly. “They just want chaos.”

James’ hand unexpectedly landed on Lily’s shoulder. “Are you okay?” he asked gently.

“Yeah,” she muttered. “I’m just worried about Adam.”

James didn’t say anything, which she figured was for the best. She knew at the very least that James understood the pain of losing a parent. Even Lily had no idea just how devastated Adam must be though. Because, yes, she still had Petunia, but also, her parents hadn’t been bloody _murdered._

Eros arrived soon after, dropping off a letter into Lily’s lap. It was short.

_Lily. I’m at Hogwarts. Please come, Adam._

She didn’t know how, but somehow her heart broke for him all over again.

Without skipping a beat, or letting Eros leave (poor guy), she ripped Adam’s parchment in half and used the blank piece to scribble a quick note to Dumbledore alerting him that she was coming back shortly via his fireplace. Eros flew right back out the window and all three of her friends were looking at her in varying states of worry.

“I have to go,” she said, rising from her seat.

“Where?” James stood with her, looking nervous for her answer.

“To Hogwarts, Adam asked me to come back.”

Sirius stood up across the table. “Lily, you have to think about your own safety. Dumbledore said—”

“Having me at Hogwarts was Dumbledore’s first choice,” she cut him off. “Besides, Adam needs me.”

Marlene stayed in her chair, eyes darting between her three friends.

James looked like he wanted to say something, but couldn’t, so Lily turned to him. “It’s the right thing to do. You know it. I’m one of his only friends, and I know a little bit of what he’s going through.” She didn’t _have_ to explain it to James, but she wanted to.

James grimaced. There was a long beat. Finally he swallowed, and spoke, “Can I help you pack?”

Lily leaned in to kiss his cheek gratefully. “No, I got it.” She slunk out the door, and to her room.

☆☆☆

Less than an hour later, she spun into Dumbledore’s office, luggage in hand. Her goodbyes hadn’t been too grandiose of an affair considering she’d see them all in a week and a half, but still. Sirius had assured her, with a whole bunch of winking, that he’d make sure that James’ injuries were properly cared for. Marlene had hugged her tightly and told her she’d see her very soon. And James — it had actually been quite hard saying bye to James. She thought he was going in for a cheek kiss as she stood next to the fireplace, his hand on her hip, but he angled her face to him last second, and let his lips linger against hers for a drawn out moment. He was saying so much to her through that kiss. When Lily pulled back, brows furrowed, she noticed both Marlene and Sirius had turned away. ( _Bless them._ )

“Be careful,” James whispered, giving her one last kiss to the forehead. As she watched their faces twirl away while in the green fire, she couldn’t help but feel her own pang of (r _elatively tiny compared to others’_ ) loss. This holiday had changed **everything** for her. She felt like she’d gained James, only to be forced to let him go. It didn’t help that they’d left things on such shaky ground. He’d been so sweet, and perfect, and she wanted to hold on to those feelings — but no. She had to shift to Adam now. Now was not the time to be a shite friend.

“Miss Evans,” Dumbledore said sadly. “Welcome back.”

“Thank you, Professor,” she respond quickly, wiping the ash off of her new cloak. “Is he in the Hufflepuff common room?”

Dumbledore nodded his head gravely. “I’ll send one of the portraits over to alert him of your imminent arrival.”

Lily thanked him and rushed her trunk back to her dorm before she raced down to the basement to find him. He was already there, outside of the Hufflepuff entrance, icy eyes glowing with tears as he turned to face her.

“Lily,” was all he managed to croak out before sobs racked his body, and Lily engulfed him in her arms.

☆☆☆

The next few days passed painfully. Adam didn’t cry any more, but got angrier and angrier, not that Lily could blame him. Everyone grieved differently. She didn’t even find it that odd that he didn’t want to attend his family’s group funeral. If she’d been at all coherent at the time of her parents’, she may have skipped out herself, not wanting to confront that grave reality. The misery at his whole family’s funeral was sure to be near unbearable. Lily had taken great care to make sure that he didn’t see _The Prophet_ the following day. They’d run a near full page picture of three coffins laying side by side with the title “ **ARE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY NEXT?** ”

On one of the many days they spent in the Hufflepuff common room, Adam told her the entire gruesome story. It had been the night after Christmas and Paxton and him had gotten into a huge row about something dumb that he couldn’t even remember, so he’d left his home in a huff, yelling out to his parents that he was ‘going on a booze run so I can deal with this idiot!’ Those were the last words he’d ever said to his family.

“So, Firewhiskey saved my life,” he said darkly. When he’d come back to his house a couple hours later, the Mark had been over his roof and he’d found his family strewn across his home with glassy-eyes and horrified expressions — dead. “I can’t explain it Lily. It was like…”

“You don’t have to,” she responded, pulling him into another hug.

Adam wanted to go back to the special spot by the lake on the edge of the forest, where the rock jutted out — the very same spot where they’d harped on about their crappy siblings — but every time they left the castle, Aurors tailed them. Adam would get pissed, saying there was no way Death Eaters would just show up to Hogwarts to finish off the last Paxton. Lily never mentioned that the heightened security may just be for her sake as well.

“Have they got any leads?” Lily asked gently one day in the Great Hall as they ate a leisurely brunch, away from the prying eyes of Aurors.

“No,” Adam replied sharply. “My family was just as anti-th—” he stopped abruptly looking overwhelmed. “Sorry, it just makes no sense to me.“

Lily reached for his hand, not at all put off by his cutting tone. “Wanna do something fun today?” They’d been distracting themselves with holiday homework, but even that could only last for so long.

“Yeah.” He shot her a small smile. “What did you have in mind?”

“Whatever you want,” she sang back.

☆☆☆

Whatever he wanted ended up being getting plastered, and you know what? Lily wasn’t judging. Was his coping mechanism healthy? Most certainly not, but at the end of the day, they were 16 years old and needed an outlet for this unbearable pain that had just been dumped on their shoulders. Lily didn’t know if it was right, but focusing on Adam’s problems kept her from having to delve too deeply into her own. Besides, she knew all her worries would still be there come January when her classmates returned to Hogwarts.

“What’s the point you think?” Adam asked thickly from the floor where he was sprawled on his back. He passed her back the bottle of Firewhiskey they were sharing. “Of life I mean.”

Lily took a hefty gulp on the couch. _Well, there's a big question._ “I dunno. Just live the best life you can. Make people happy. Leave a positive impact.”

Adam rolled onto his stomach. “Make people _happy?_ Really?“

“Sure.” Lily suddenly felt a little self-conscious at his reaction, so she took another swig, “Why not? No point being an ass in life.”

Adam snorted. “Speaking of asses, how was your holiday at Potter’s?”

Lily pushed herself more upright in the cushions threatening to swallow her whole. “Did you really just make that segue?”

Adam grinned as he stole his bottle back. “Yes, I did, Lily. It was too perfect to pass up.”

Lily scrunched her nose. “I didn’t know you disliked James.”

“Ooh no! He’s _James_ now!” Adam slapped a hand over his eyes. “You’re in deep then.”

Lily was at a complete loss for words. She knew she **was** in fact ‘in deep,’ but… she didn’t think it was a topic she wanted to broach with Adam of all people.

“I’m surprised, honestly,” Adam continued, more to the alcohol in his hand than to her. “I didn’t peg you as someone who fell for arseholes.”

“James isn’t an arsehole.” As soon as the words left her mouth, she regretted them. She sounded _so_ defensive. She just couldn’t help it; how James had made her feel that holiday was worth sticking up for.

“Yeah, **_okay_** ,” Adam said rolling his eyes. “Sure he’s not.” When Lily didn’t respond to him, he turned to her incredulously. “Oh come on! He’s always hounding you, and embarrassing you, and trying to scare off other guys away from you. That’s what we normal people call an _arse_.”

Lily knew Adam would never be saying these things if he were sober. She pushed away the déjà vu feeling in her gut that was screaming this was just how she’d felt at the end of her friendship with Snape. She wasn’t going to let this deteriorate in the same way. She liked Adam far too much for that. _He’s going through hell, don’t make it about you._ Lily took the bottle from him. “All right, I think we’ve had enough for one night.”

Adam chuckled. “Okay, doesn’t make what I said any less true.” He unsteadily got up to his knees, leaning into her couch cushions. “I just thought you might fancy a nice bloke, s’all.”

Well, this was fast turning awkward. It wasn’t like Lily could admit that she would fancy just about anything James turned out to be at any given moment — it sounded far too pathetic. No one needed _that_ level of honesty. “All right. Let’s get you tucked into bed,” she said, thoroughly ignoring his last comment, getting to her feet, and holding her hands out to pull Adam up.

“I got it, I got it,” he replied stubbornly, pushing himself up to standing, even if he was swaying. “Night Lily,” he said giving her a half-assed salute before he turned to the boys staircase.

“See you at brunch?” she called after him hopefully.

“I’ll be there,” he slurred before she heard his door snap shut.

She figured it was the first and last time she’d be drinking with this friend; she didn’t particularly like the vibe he gave off when he was drunk.


	30. We Shouldn't

**_January, 6th Year_ **

The end of vacation came, and with it, everyone returned to Hogwarts. The day before classes, Marlene thoroughly surprised Lily by running up to her in the common room and bear hugging the living daylights out of her.

“Oof!” Lily cried out, laughing through a haze of blonde hair.

“Please don’t ever leave me with those two again; they’re the _worst,_ ” she joked pointing over her shoulder at Sirius and James trailing behind her.

Lily tried to pretend like her heart didn’t jump out of her chest when she locked eyes with James, but he probably saw her reaction all the same. James never missed a beat. In that moment, Lily felt the full weight of just how much she’d _missed_ him, a feeling she’d been trying to repress, come crashing over her all at once. _Relax, it was less than two weeks…_ It had felt like an eternity after having lived with him. Was she crazy for wanting to do that again?

“Hey.” His deep voice flowed through her veins.

“Hey yourself,” she answered, tilting her head.

“Hey, hey, heeeeey,” Sirius announced, shimmying between them obviously, never one to be forgotten. “You miss us, Rose?”

She smiled up at him brightly. “So very much.”

Sirius slung his arm around her shoulder. “I knew it. See Prongs? She was probably pining away about us in her diary every night!“

Lily shoved his arm off. “Pining. Plotting nefarious schemes against… all the same _really,_ isn’t it?”

“Whatever would you have to retaliate against us for? Were we not but the finest of gentlemen this break?” Sirius asked with an air of aristocracy.

 _Actually, yes._ “Not quite sure yet, but I’ll think of a reason.” She gave him a charming wink.

“How was your New Years?” James asked eagerly, clearly trying to insert himself back into the conversation.

Lily’s cheeks reddened, embarrassed. “I actually… fell asleep before midnight, so pretty uneventful.”

“Seriously?!” Sirius gasped, giving James a look she didn’t quite understand. “Lily, that’s just so—”

“Lame, I know.”

“I was going to say pitiful. Pathetic. Piffling.” _What is it with these boys and their alliterations?_

“I get it, Sirius.”

“Still somehow not as sad as Prongs that night. You see, he—” Sirius’ lips were mysteriously sealed shut and his face comically scrunched as he tried to force them apart.

Lily turned to James, holding his wand aloft in his dominant arm. “James! Your arm! Is it better?” Sirius made a noise of protest next to her, but James could not have looked any more pleased with the words that had come out of her mouth. Lily walked up to him like she was about to push his sleeve up to his shoulder, but caught herself.

“Yeah, loads actually. You did a great job caring for it.” Sirius made another muffled groaning sound. “Pads too.”

“That’s great, I’m so happy.” _He looks good. I mean, not just attractive, he_ _always_ _looks unfairly attractive, but like in high spirits. Fully mobile. Not injured and sad._ His gaze kept darting to her neck.

“So how’s Adam?” Marlene’s question snapped Lily out of her heady stare-off with James.

“Fine, yeah, all right. As good as can be expected I suppose.”

“Help me carry my trunk up?” the blonde asked a little too nonchalantly. Lily knew just enough about girl code to know this meant she wanted to grill her for details about the end of her break away from present company. She happily took the other side of Marlene’s luggage and followed her up the staircase.

“See you boys at dinner,“ she called over her shoulder.

“You girls are witches! Use your wands and just levitate it!” Sirius cried back.

“Oh shut up!” Marlene sighed as she closed their dorm room door behind them. “So?” She looked to Lily like she was withholding a big secret.

Since the three of them had Flooed back before the Hogwarts Express had arrived, the room was still empty save for them. “So what?” Lily replied blankly.

“Was it weird, was it horrible, I don’t know?”

“I mean, yeah, really horrible mostly,” Lily said a bit guiltily as she sat on her bed while Marlene unpacked. “But I knew it would be.”

“Yeah.” Mar opened her dresser. “But like no… funny business?”

“Funny business?”

“Yeah. I mean, didn’t you tell me that he sort of admitted to fancying you before he knew you and James were… involved?”

Lily fully let herself collapse on the bed. “Well yeah, but this vacation wasn’t like that at _all._ There was not a **hint** of longing or… anything.”

“Oh, that’s good.”

“Mar,” Lily stared at her in disbelief, “you didn’t actually think I came here to _seduce_ a boy who had just lost everything… did you?”

Marlene turned to her, a pair of folded socks in hand. “Of course _I_ didn’t. But Sirius got it out of James that you two still aren’t official, so Sirius seemed to be trying to prepare James for the worst possible scenarios. After James heard the term ‘pity-fuck,’ he kind of shut down. Locked himself in his room for the day and blasted sad music for _hours._ It was a whole thing.”

“He _did?_ ” Lily couldn’t believe it, even though she could still somehow picture it crystal clearly. _Merlin damn it, Sirius!_

“Yup. A sap through and through,” Marlene laughed lovingly.

“Well, then I’m glad he didn’t just come barging to Hogwarts and start stalking me.” Lily’s lips twitched as she tried not to giggle. "Shows some real trust."

Marlene tossed her last pair of socks in the drawer and snapped it shut. “Would you look at that? He didn’t. Cheers for small strides in maturity.”

Lily stretched out, finally succumbing to her laughter. “Silly boy. He should know I wouldn’t make a move on Adam even if he had been so inclined.” She propped herself up on an elbow. “But no. If I didn’t distinctly remember the conversation Adam and I had because of how awkward it was, I would swear — it’s like he was never romantically interested in me at all.” She pushed her palms into her eye sockets. “This is so dumb. The poor boy’s traumatized and I’m picking apart his romantic leanings.”

Mar sat down next to her. “To be fair, it sounds like you weren’t. But James definitely was.”

Lily gave her friend’s arm a lackluster push. “He did imply James was a dick though, and that seemed to come out of left field.”

Marlene rolled her eyes theatrically. “Oh Lily, and you _just_ said he wasn’t interested in you! But he’s clearly still jealous!”

“No,” Lily defended, “no, it really didn’t feel like that. I don’t know how to explain it, but I really don’t think he’s ever fancied me like that. Like he says all the right things, and he obviously likes hanging out with me, but there’s just never been any sort of spark — I think for either of us. Even when he kissed me on the cheek at the game that one time, I feel like it was more to see if there _was_ anything, cause he was watching my reaction so closely, not because he actually wanted to. I dunno how to explain it.”

“Huh. I mean, do you think he might be gay?” Mar offered.  
  
Lily tilted her head. “I never thought of that. But it’s not like I have any evidence to support that either.” _I mean he said he had the hots for Madam Pince that one time… but that better have been a joke._

“Oo! I know! He’s secretly in love with James and getting close to you so he can learn your mannerisms and then, when he feels ready, he’ll Polyjuice into you and seduce the man of his dreams but in your body!”

Lily blinked at her a couple of times, very afraid. “Did you just think of all of that on the spot?”

Marlene shrugged. “No. It’s basically just the plot of the latest book I’m reading. I can lend it to you?”

“No thanks. I have enough drama in my life and I’d love to be able to sleep at night.”

☆☆☆

Classes started again and everything returned to near usual at Hogwarts. Of course, Dumbledore had made a speech about the loss of their Head Boy, Michael Paxton, and how they’d all have to rally in his memory. But still, a week later, it almost felt like nothing had happened. Lily couldn’t decide whether that was a show of the resilience of the human spirit, or evidence of how very near-sighted and self-absorbed people were. Not that she could blame them — dwelling on tragedy was a thoroughly uncomfortable experience, and if you had the choice not to… why would you?

Meanwhile, Lily and James seemed to be dancing around each other once more. Previously, it had been an angst-filled and worried tango, but now, it was more like a confused waltz, infused with all the feelings and confessions that had been revealed that Christmas. James' hands would linger on hers when handing her books she couldn't quite reach in the library, and Lily’s gaze would stall over him every single time she’d see him enter any of their many shared classes. It was this weird limbo — they both knew something magical had transpired between them over Christmas, but now, in the bright halls of Hogwarts, it was hard to convert all that frenzied energy into their day-to-day life (especially since Lily had received her death sentence).

“Okay, Prongs would kill me if he knew I was talking to you…” Sirius declared, lounging against one of her couch’s arms while Lily was working on her Transfiguration essay Thursday night.

“I love this conversation already,” Lily mused as she crossed her t’s and dotted her i’s.

“But you don’t have to live with the guy.” Lily looked up to see Sirius giving her a wide-eyed glare. “I do. And he’s driving me insane.”

Lily fought off a smirk. “More than usual?”

“This isn’t a joke, Rose. But if you must know: _yes_.” He shook his majestic mane from out of his eyes. “A thousand times yes. You see, all of a sudden, _out of nowhere_ , he’s gotten too noble to ask you,” he threw up air quotes, “because he doesn’t ‘want to push you,’ because you asked for time or something — I don’t know, he’s always rambling.” Lily was fully, toothily smiling now. “But, you know what? This considering other people’s feelings thing is clearly very new to him and he _sucks_ at it, because he’s making everyone but you _miserable_ by doing nothing but trying to respect the crap out of you, so **please** , for the love of Merlin, what the hell is going on between you two?”

 _Oh no… oh nonono._ Lily knew this was about to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. She’d wanted to continue where things had been going with James, she wanted almost nothing more, but she knew it would also be the most selfish thing in the world. As Adam’s family’s murder had devastatingly reminded her — connections to people had consequences. While it was obvious James was a ‘blood traitor,’ he didn’t have a target on his back like she did. _But maybe if I could convince him to keep us private? Maybe if… fuck._ She was already considering how to make it work. _So much for trying my hardest to resist this…_

“Are you sure this is about me?”

“Do dogs love bones?” Off of Lily’s blank face, he answered his own question. “Yes. Yes, I’m sure this is about you and _please_ , whatever you guys have got going on, just fix it. If not for him, for _my sanity._ ”

Sirius got up to leave, but Lily stopped him. “Sirius, where is he right now?”

“Upstairs with the boys. Why?”

Lily gave him an innocent little smile. “Any way he could be upstairs _without_ the boys?”

Sirius’ face broke into a huge grin. “Yes, I think that could be arranged. Gimme ten minutes.” Lily watched as he sprang to his feet and ran up the stairs.

☆☆☆

“I thought you guys were going to—” James’ words trailed off when he finally looked up to see Lily in the door frame. “Oh. Hey.”

Lily smirked confidently as she approached him in her robe. “Hey yourself.”

“Sorry,” James said adjusting himself on his bed so that his feet came to the floor to face her. “The guys just left, I thought they forgot something.”

“I know,” Lily said standing between his knees.

His eyebrows quirked as he took in her sly smile. “What?” he asked.

“Nothing.”

“You’re up to something, I can tell.” Amusement had crept into his voice.

“Nooo… what makes you think that?” Lily mocked as she started removing her robe. Their positions reminded her of only a few months ago when she’d come to his room, just like this, to offer him a sexual relationship. She’d been so nervous and self-conscious then, but she wasn’t anymore. She knew what she had going on now.

“Wait,” James said scrunching his eyes closed as he caught her wrists. _“Fuck,”_ he whispered under his breath.

“What?” Lily asked, straightening her back.

James exhaled almost painfully. “I just—“ he let out a low whistle, “I just want to know where we stand. Before we, you know.” He gave her a significant look.

“Well, right now, I’m standing here in my bartending outfit—“

“ _What?!_ ” James cried out, all but tearing her robe off of her shoulders to reveal her scanty black halter top and booty shorts. “ _Evans…_ ” he moaned.

“This boy I fell for over Christmas really seemed to want to see me in it again…”

James’ hands slid down from skimming the sides of her breasts to framing her waist to latching onto her hips. “Fuck.”

“Did that boy change his mind about his fetishes?” she asked far too innocently for the given situation.

“He did not. Nope.” She smiled harder the more his fingers dug into her skin. “But…” it looked painful for him to lift his gaze from her form, “what changed?”

Lily squirmed a little uneasily. She sighed. “Nothing really. I just realized maybe I’m not strong enough to stay away from you.”

A mischievous glint shone in his eyes. “It was a valiant effort I’m sure.”

“Shut up, you know we shouldn’t be doing this…” Lily argued as James slowly started peeling her top off of her midriff.

“Oh, I agree, this is so _wrong._ ” He laid a gentle kiss on one of her freshly uncovered nipples; then thought better of it and started sucking as he lifted the garment over her arms.

Without thinking, Lily’s hands came up to bury themselves in his hair. “I’m serious. I shouldn’t be doing this.” Her head started rolling back as he really committed to his undivided adoration of her chest.

“You’re so bad, Lily,” he murmured into her skin before flicking his tongue out dangerously.

“Stop,” Lily replied giggling as she playfully pushed him back.

“Oh, I thought we were working on a bit.” James smirked as he ruffed his hair.

“No, James,” Lily laughed, cupping his jaw and bringing him in for a kiss. It was impossible to miss how he sighed into her mouth with the contact as he wrapped his arms around her bare upper frame. “I was actually being serious.”

“Okay, okay.” James’ hands settled back onto her hips. “So, this outfit tells me you want to rock my world, _but_ , before you can do that, you want to have a discussion about the morality of continuing this? Am I close?“

Lily tilted her head. “Yeah. Pretty damn warm I’d say.”

“All right, Evans. Well, you know my stance on things.” His thumb toying with the elastic of her shorts told her he was absolutely dying to rip them off of her. If Lily of a couple months ago could see herself now — standing in front of James Potter topless, cool as a cucumber, having a conversation about ethics — she would have a stroke.

“You don’t care?”

“No, I do care. I care about you. Everything else can suck it.”

Lily snorted. “Right.” She brought one of her clenched fists up to her side, to punch sideways at her lower ribs, but James yanked it roughly back. “Wha—?”

“Don’t start that back up again! I thought you’d gotten over that habit.”

“Huh?”

James released her wrist. “The whole fake shanking thing. It freaks me out.”

 _When had he noticed?_ “This is a stressful situation!”

“Lily,” he said incredulously, “no it’s not. You like a boy, hello,” he waved his hand, “he likes you back, therefore, you fuck.” _He would think it was this simple._

“Um, I think you missed a crucial part in the story: boy likes girl, girl likes boy, homicidal maniac wants to kill girl, so girl is trying to refuse her baser instincts by _not_ fucking boy.”

“Says girl while she’s half-naked in front of boy,” responded James dryly.

“Fuck!” Lily cried out, reaching for her top.

“No, no, I was kidding, I get it, I really do,” James mollified peppering kisses on her face as he squeezed her against his chest. “I just don’t see the point in punishing yourself just because someone else has already decided to. You know?” Lily’s brow furrowed. James continued, “So okay. This one pale-faced loser,” Lily snorted, “decided he wants to do you in. Well, to me, that sounds like you should be living your life **extra** hard right now, not dialing yourself back.”

Lily couldn’t help but smile as she traced his cheek. He’d always looked at life completely differently from her, and she loved that about him. “So you don’t think I’m a bitch for still wanting this?” she whispered.

“No,” he said ardently. “Not at all.”

She bit the inside of her cheek. “I still think we should be discreet though. Like the less people know about us, the less danger you’re in.”

“I can rein in the googly-eyes.”

“Can you?” Lily taunted.

“Oh shut it, babe, you damn near light fires with how hard you undress me in class.”

“You never wear your bloody robe! And your tie’s always loose!” James moved in on her collarbone with a cocky smirk, his lips igniting all her nerve endings at once. “And your—“ Lily tried, “your thing…”

“My what?” James smiled against her neck, moving his attention upwards masterfully as her nails scratched down his back.

“Your… fuck,” she moaned. There was no use, he had her. She unceremoniously yanked his shirt off his body, and he assisted her. The small reprieve from his talented mouth gave her a second to breathe. “Maybe you should get a fake girlfriend.” James stilled within her grasp, completely speechless. Lily processed what she’d just said. “You’re right, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever said. Forget I ever opened my dumb mouth.”

James let out a deep sigh. “Thank **Merlin.** ” He shimmied down her shorts. “Gimme that dumb mouth,” he teased while claiming her lips with a scorching kiss as he dug his fingers into her bum to pull her up onto his lap. Lily clambered on eagerly.

“Because then I’d have to break her goddamn nose,” she snarled.

“ _Fuck,_ ” James revered as he fell onto his back and pushed her naked frame further over his mouth. “It’s so fucking hot when you get possessive.”

“James, that’s not…” But Lily never got to tell James what ‘that was not.’ Because his tongue had found its way into her core and he was making the absolute most of it.

Lily gasped, hovering over his face on her perched knees, trying not to grind down into her feels and smother him to death. Instead, she reached out for one of his bed pillars, squeezing it with all her might. A small part of her registered that she was literally making him five little notches on one of his bed posts with her nails, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. He was getting so into eating her out that his nose was grinding against her clit as his tongue continued its crazed endeavor, dipping in and out of her, and she was about to lose it. “James…” She made the mistake of looking down and seeing his wanton expression as he went to town, viewed perfectly from between her breasts. He was _loving_ this. She shivered involuntarily before scooting her body back to the ground and yanking his trousers off whilst she sunk in between his knees. He was as hard as steel, already dripping with a little precum.

“Hey!” he shouted almost exasperatedly as he bolted into sitting position. “I was kinda in the middle of something.”

“Yeah?” She licked form the center of his balls, to the bottom of his shaft and all the way over the tip of his cock. She smiled as his breath hitched loudly. “Well, I don’t bloody give a shit.” She wasn’t sure, but it almost looked like James was ready to come right then and there. Still grinning at him wickedly, eyes locked with his, she brought her lips over his tip slowly as both her hands wrapped around his base, beginning to tug up and down. She would never get over just how soft his skin felt here.

“Lily…” he moaned, pushing her hair out of her face.

After a few rounds of shallow bobbles, she took his length all the way to the back of her throat until her gag reflex sputtered, making her pull back but leave a nice layer of lubrication right where she wanted it. Her hands moved up and down his cock, over the tip and back, as she gave her mouth a break, perching herself up to his face.

James’ jaw loosened as pleasure rippled across his features before giving her a distracted kiss. Her methodical hands were apparently thoroughly engrossing. ”You’re so fucking beautiful.”

Lily smiled as she brought one of her hands down to beneath his balls and applied pressure in tiny circles on the small swath of skin there. She had just read about the apparent erogenous zone in her naughty book from Sirius and she was eager to test it out.

“Oh fuck, what are you doing?” James ground out through his teeth. It seemed as though he was surprised but totally into it considering how good it felt.

Lily’s grin turned even more wicked. “Relax, babe,” she cooed. She wrapped her lips around him once more as she worked over him, sucking and playing, bringing him to the edge of reason. His toes curled as she hummed deeply, sending vibrations through his skin.

Finally he pulled her up. “All right, all right. I surrender.” He could barely breathe, let alone joke.

“Good,” Lily replied as she straddled him. She was so wet that as soon as she lowered down her hips, she sheathed him, bringing his cock slowly inside of her until she was fully in his lap.

Both his hands cupped her jaw as he groaned out. As the moment, and Lily, stretched, he blurted out a heartfelt confession. “ _Fuck, I missed you_.”

Her arms wrapped around his neck. This position was turning out to be wondrous for her clit and building intimacy; every part of them couldn’t be closer. “I missed you too, believe it or not,” she responded arrogantly. Then her eyes caught on his right arm: his new scar still shiny and fresh, running a terrible jagged line down it. She traced it lightly and he looked over to what had distracted her.

“Just for you, babe.”

She regarded him severely. She knew he was making a scar joke, but the truth of the matter was he _had_ gotten it protecting her. And that was no laughing matter. “Does it still hurt?”

He flexed it ostentatiously, clearly showing off his bulging bicep. “Nope, good as new.” He had coaxed a smile from her just as he’d intended. “Now, where were we?” His palms travelled to the back of her shoulders, holding her in place as he bucked his hips up into her. His grin went lopsided as Lily’s head dropped and she moaned audaciously. “Oh right. _That’s_ what we were doing.”

Lily laughed before she leaned into his ear while clenching her pelvic floor, making him hiss underneath her. “Shut the fuck up, Potter.” She began to rock her hips over him back and forth, building them both up. His hands glided down her back, over her bum, and to her thighs, squeezing and caressing along the way as though making a mental map of her body while she was within his grasp. He wanted to know every dip and angle as she bounced on top of him. She held his face right before hers, inviting him to watch as he completely destroyed her in the best way possible. “James,” she whimpered as she felt the telltale surge of ecstasy gathering in her core and arched her breasts into his chest, all but begging him to finish her off.

“ _Fuck_ ,” James groaned, embarrassed as he stilled her hips. “One second, one secondonesecondonesecond,” he chanted, screwing his eyes closed. “Don’t move.”

Lily’s eyes went wide. “You okay?”

“Yeah, bloody brilliant, sorry, it’s just,” he motioned over their conjoined bodies, ”been a while. Just need a minute.”

Understanding dawned on her face. _He doesn’t want to come before I do._ “Oh.” She wasn’t upset at all, but rather pleased with herself. She leaned in and nibbled on his earlobe before trailing kisses down his neck, trying to keep her hips immobile above him.

“All right. Carry on,” he whispered as his thumb came down to tease her clit. He knew he’d need to help her out if he stood any chance of outlasting her tonight.

Lily wondered if their newfound romantic affinity was making things sexier for him just as much as it was for her. She couldn’t help but kiss him passionately as she resumed pumping herself over him again and again, starting to tremble as his thumb never missed its torturously delicious mark.

He broke away from her lips suddenly. “Shit Lily, I’m about to—”

But Lily didn’t stop, too close to getting there herself. She grinded away, hungrily watching as his body jerked, pulling her down to him as far as she could go as he spilled himself into her. His rapture sent her over the edge, her nails digging in as she slumped against his chest, crying out. She came back down from the heavens to find James kissing her, completely wrapped in his arms.

“Let’s do that more often, please.”

“Okay,” she muttered, still quite lost in her own happy bubble.

He chuckled, lovingly taking in every second of her bliss. “And you should always wear that outfit.”

“Whatever you say,” she responded, eyes sleepily shut and stretching her arms up with a big yawn.

“And you should get a tattoo with my name on it across your ass cheeks.”

She cocked one eyebrow before opening just that lid. “Why ruin a perfectly fine ass?”

He hugged her even tighter to his chest. “How very right you are. What a silly idea. But the outfit suggestion still applies.”

Lily snorted as she pushed off of his lap, reaching for her clothes strewn on the floor. “Unbelievable. Never enough, is it?” she said lightheartedly.

James pulled up his trunks and watched her shimmying into her shorts. “In my defense, I barely got to see you in them tonight,” Lily shot him a look so he held up his hands, “ **not** that I’m complaining! It’s just I lusted over them all summer. It’s nice to see them on you again.”

“Mmhm.” She bent over to pick up her halter top off of the floor, but this only made James groan lewdly behind her and yank her body back to him. She giggled as he quickly wrapped his blanket around them, trapping her in his bed. She rolled around to face him.

“You drive me crazy, do you know that?” he whispered, burying his face in her hair. “So, so crazy.”

“I know.” She snuggled closer to him, his comfortingly heavy arm around her.

He chuckled. “So did the guys mention how long they’d be gone when you so expertly got rid of them?”

“Nope.”

“Shame.” He eyed his bed curtains. “Would you like to stay the night?”

Her emerald eyes looked up at him sternly. “We probably shouldn’t.”

“Ah yes. Just like we shouldn’t have resumed our fabulous love-making.”

“Exactly like that,” Lily grumbled with absolutely no bite.

“So…” James’ feet captured hers between them, “does this whole being discreet thing mean we can’t hang out at the party tomorrow?”

“What party?”

“Evans,” James groaned, “the _Welcome Back_ Gryffindor party!”

Lily made a face. “We’re still doing that?”

“ _Of course_ , we’re doing that. We need a little levity now more than ever.”

She guessed he was right. It had been a depressing few weeks in the Wizarding World and all the teens were looking for a way to blow off some steam. “Well, I was planning on volunteering with Poppy after class,” he gave her a look, “ **but** I’m sure I’ll catch the tail end. But yes.” She placed both her hands on his chest. “I still think it’s smartest if we don’t make a public scene or anything. Let everyone who had suspicions about us think we fizzled out or something.”

James reached to her neck and fiddled with her necklace, delicately fingering the heart he’d given her. “Okay.” She strained her face up to kiss his chin. “Just don’t get mad if I get hit on by all the ladies,” he joked lightly.

“You’d love it if I got mad.” Her eyes twinkled.

“I really, really would.”


	31. You Can’t Save Everyone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Drugging

**_Later January, 6th Year_ **

The next morning, Lily made sure to spend a little extra time getting ready. When she’d finally left James’ room the previous night, he had handed her a gift box. “I wanted to give it after our Christmas date, but… you know.” He’d nearly died and it may have just _kind of_ ruined the mood? How could she forget?

In the privacy of her own bed, she’d unwrapped the lingerie set giddily. It was delicate and lavender, intricately designed with silver stars in the cups and a garter belt that would attach nicely to her knee socks. It felt a whole lot naughtily to be gifted something this sexy by a boy that she was completely in love with… with the sole purpose of having him take it off of her body later. She held the bra up to her chest. _Yup, he got my sizes right…_ She guessed that made sense considering he had been in possession of most of her other bras for weeks last semester after all.

And now today, this fine, bright Friday, she was going to wear it. Something this pretty just **had** to be appreciated right away. _Besides, James is going to lose his mind when he knows I’m wearing it._

She admired her body briefly in the mirror before she covered the lingerie up with her school uniform. Her healthier diet (or at least, more consistent eating schedule) had filled her out in all the right places and damn if she looked _good._ She smirked to herself. _And now I’ve got Potter’s big head too._ She fastened her cloak and left the bathroom, heading for breakfast.

“Good morning,” she said jovially as she squeezed herself strategically between James and Peter, opposite the other two Marauders.

Sirius cocked a brow up at her. “Why are you in a good mood?”

“Can’t a girl just be happy?” she replied, shrugging off her robe. James immediately stiffened by her side. _So he already saw the straps running down my thighs? Good boy._

“Sure, but you’re an unusually surly thing,” he responded.

Lily snorted, but Remus spoke up for her. It wasn’t the first time she noticed the pair of besties sometimes had a bit of an old married couple vibe. “I’m pretty sure that’s just you, Padfoot.” He turned to Lily. “You excited for the party?”

Lily almost stuttered but caught herself; James had just begun stroking her thigh under the table with the back of his fingers. “Yeah. Should be all right.”

“That’s the spirit,” Sirius joked through a mouthful of eggs.

James kept his left hand on her leg for the whole meal, whether gently tracing the strap or full on clenching her thigh whenever she purposefully reached for food over him. Peter may have caught on, but she knew he was far too embarrassed himself to call them out on their horny behavior.

Right before the end of breakfast, a tiny black owl that she hadn’t seen in _ages_ flew through the Great Hall, clutching a letter in its beak. “ _Lana_?” Lily muttered to herself in disbelief. James followed her gaze just in time for the little bird to excitedly drop the envelope in Lily’s lap and flutter excitedly around her head. She giggled, breaking off a little bit of bacon for the owl. “I missed you too, I missed you too!” It eventually settled on her shoulder.

“Who’s it from?” James asked curiously.

“I think…” Lily tore free her letter with shaking hands and immediately forgot she’d been speaking when she saw the familiar script: _Mary._

_Lils! Miss me yet? ;) I got your cookies (OM NOM NOM) and loved them! You sent my fav, because you’re my fav. Sorry I can’t write long, my mum went out for a little (FINALLY) so I’m trying to rush this to you before she comes back. (Please don’t reply, she might catch it, you know her.) Good news though — I think I’m finally cracking my parents and they may just let me come back for our final year!!! (I CAN’T WAIT!!!)_

_Homeschooling has been the worst. You have no idea. Anyway, I love you lots and can’t wait to be back at Hogwarts with you and gossip and_ _my Merlin_ _Lily, if you haven’t shagged James Potter by now, there will be words. (Like: HOP ON IT.)_

_Happy Christmas, New Year & Early Birthday!_

_Mary_

Lily held the letter to her chest with the biggest smile.

“Good news?” The Marauders were all looking at her intrigued now.

Instead of answering, she just passed the parchment to James, watching as he split into his own grin. “I always knew I liked her.” Lily didn’t mind that the note proved just how far back her crush on him really went. ( _And it looks like he doesn’t mind one bit either…_ )

Lily turned to Sirius. “Mary thinks she might be coming back next year!” Now everyone was happy.

☆☆☆

“Shit!” Rosier cried out in Potions class the next day as he cradled his arm to his chest.

“M’boy, are you quite all right?” Slughorn asked concerned as he waddled over to Evan’s workspace.

“Yes sir, I just burnt my arm on my cauldron. May I go to the infirmary?” Lily watched the whole scene unfold through narrowed eyes. _No… he isn’t. He can’t be_ ** _this_** _obvious._ At the same time, Lily was actually kind of amazed at the sound of his voice. She so rarely heard him use it. She had no idea how he commanded an entire sports team while appearing to be so mild-mannered.

“Lily, why are you staring at Rosier?” Adam asked quietly from her side where he was grinding down porcupine quills.

She watched as the Slytherin left the room before turning back to her friend. “Okay, I have this sneaking suspicion that Rosier’s a Death Eater.” Adam’s eyes went wide and Lily automatically kicked herself. “Fuck, I’m so sorry, that’s so insensitive of me to be talking about with you, I’m—”

“No,” Adam cut her off, “I’m fine, that’s just a serious accusation.”

“Yeah, but,” Lily looked around to make sure no one was eavesdropping, spotting only James giving her a curious glance, but that wasn’t out of the ordinary, _fuck, I’m gonna have to tell him too… and he won’t be happy,_ “I know for a fact that he never takes his shirt off—”

“Weird.”

Lily wasn’t sure if Adam was referring to Rosier’s habits or her apparent knowledge on the matter, but it wasn’t the point now. “Okay, but now he makes this **big** show of burning his _left_ arm?”

Adam’s eyes darted around confused, “Yeah… so?”

“Death Eaters have tattoos on their left arms, Adam!” _Keep up!_

He leaned into her. “How do you know that?”

“People are starting to talk about that sort of stuff. I dunno, word got out. Anyway.” She dramatically pushed her hair behind both her ears before continuing her whispers, “I feel like he’s publicly getting an injury so it won’t look weird when his arm’s wrapped up later.”

“So he can take his shirt off?” Adam looked highly skeptical.

“Yes.” Lily was convinced.

“Well, what are you going to do?”

Lily huffed as she resumed stirring their bright yellow brew. “Just warn the right people I guess. I mean what else can I do? I already know some other people who are Death Eaters, _for sure_ , and they never seem to get in trouble for it. It’s like this school gives unlimited chances to people. Hell, I wouldn’t even be surprised if Professor Stone was a bloody Death Eater, crazy psychopath that she is. Did you see how she—” Lily’s jaw dropped when she looked back up to their potion after skimming over her notes. “What did you just add?!” It had turned a sickly puke color.

“Uh… the snake eyes?” Adam said innocently.

“Shit, it’s too early for that. Let me see if I can save this.” She set off to work trying to fix Adam’s mistake. It didn’t stop her from noticing Rosier returning to the classroom 15 minutes later, with his sleeve rolled up and his forearm thoroughly bandaged. It didn’t slip her attention either that he blatantly picked up Hestia’s fallen quill off the ground with said arm and handed it back to her, and used the same arm to point out where an ingredient Dorcas was looking for was. _Oh Evan, making sure every one of your girlfriend’s roommates sees your injury and can report it back to her? You’re just as bad of an actor as Sirius…_ There was only one last step she’d need to perform to know whether he was, without a doubt, a Death Eater.

A few minutes later, as Adam apologized profusely and went to the ingredients cabinet to get some dragon claws to try to rectify this mess of an assignment, Lily’s notes started rearranging themselves into James’ scrawl. ‘Come to my room after the party tonight?’

She smiled to her parchment before writing a response. ‘Does that sound discreet?’

‘You know the Marauders can keep a secret… please?’ The words disappeared, but the pull his last word had on her heartstrings did not.

‘This is what I get for wearing your gift out in public, huh?’

‘I mean, we can just cuddle if you want ;)’ _Sly bastard._ She couldn’t wait for this party — that hadn’t even started yet — to bloody end.

‘I’ll be there.’

☆☆☆

“Marlene, _please_ , listen to me!” Lily had just told her best friend the unfortunate news she’d just uncovered and the girl was **not** having it. “I just spoke to Pomfrey—”

“Lily, stop,” Marlene said with an extra hard stomp of her foot as they climbed the stairs to their room that night. “Why can’t you be happy for me?”

“This has nothing to do about happiness, Mar! I’m worried for you!” Lily cried out desperately trying to catch up to her.

The blonde spun around angrily. “Well, don’t! There’s nothing to worry about! We’ve already talked about this Lily.”

“I know, but—”

“No buts! Now please, I have to go. Evan told me he has a romantic night planned—”

“I _know_ , Mar, please listen.” Lily stubbornly blocked the door to their dorm. She knew that as soon as they walked in, their conversation would effectively be over. “Please.”

Marlene sighed and crossed her arms over her chest, rolling her head in a ‘fine, go on,’ way.

“Okay.” Lily squared her shoulders to her. “You know Evan got hurt in Potions, because Hestia immediately gossiped about it to you, yes?” She reluctantly nodded in response. “Well, I’m almost positive he did it on purpose.”

“Lily—” Marlene sighed exasperatedly.

“He didn’t go to the hospital wing, Mar! I _just_ spoke to Poppy, she told me that he didn’t come in today! So unless he just so happens to have burn salve and bandages in his room for random accidents — _he was faking it!_ ” As soon as the healer had revealed this vital fact, Lily had abruptly excused herself and all but sprinted back to Gryffindor.

For one brilliant moment, Lily thought perhaps her words had landed, but then her friend shook her head and looked livid. “I honestly can’t believe you’d do this to me, Lily.”

“What?” Lily felt like she was failing. How could Marlene not see what was right in front of her nose?! _Am I not stating it clearly enough? Your boyfriend is a fucking Death Eater!!!_

“I can’t believe you’re trying to ruin my first time like this. After how… _supportive_ I’ve been.” Lily had never seen Marlene look so frazzled.

“I’m **not**!” Her own hysterical voice sounded foreign even to her. “Mar, I’m trying to protect you!”

Marlene stepped around her and pushed open the door. “I don’t _need_ your protection. I’m a grown woman, Lily.”  
  
The roommates getting ready for the party all turned and stared at them, clearly having caught the tail end of their fight. “Everything all right?” Dorcas asked gently. Lily tried to ignore Brianna grinning like a Cheshire cat behind her, drinking some Firewhiskey.

“Yes. Everything’s just great!” Marlene cheered two octaves too high to be even remotely believable. She slammed her wand on her nightstand, grabbed her cloak, then stared at Lily pointedly before marching back to the exit. “I’m off to my date. _Don’t_ wait up.” She banged the door shut behind her with enough force to rattle a spider in the corner of the room from its previous peaceful slumber.

Lily sighed heavily and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “I should go after her.”

“First, have a shot,” Hestia suggested, looking like she’d already followed her own advice several times.

“I shouldn’t,” Lily groused.

“I’d say you more than earned it,” Dorcas stated. “Thanks to you, I finally know what the hell is happening in Potions again.”  
  
Lily gave her a polite smile and accepted the shot glass. “Fine. Fuck it, just one.”

Hestia cheered as they all did a round together. The Firewhiskey burned familiarly down her throat. She tried to leave shortly afterwards, but the girls insisted she stay, getting sloppier by the minute. By the time Lily had shed her robe, having gotten a little too hot in the party atmosphere, everyone was too tipsy to notice Lily was still in her school uniform but with sexy garter straps.

“Okay, okay, seriously.” Lily got to her feet but immediately wobbled sideways a bit. _I must have stood up too fast. I only had one shot, there’s_ ** _no way_** _I’m drunk._

Betty heard the music thumping downstairs. “Let’s go dance!” she said in classic woo-girl fashion, pulling Lisa and Brianna behind her as they clambered to the door and down the stairs. The party did sound like it was in full swing, the voices of Squib Dreams suddenly being all they could hear.

“You ready?“ Dorcas asked as she and Hestia were at the doorframe.

“Go on,” Lily encouraged, “I’ll be right there.” She watched the witches disappear. She knew she wouldn’t be able to relax until she could confirm that Marlene was safe. Taking a steadying breath, she waited a minute until the fanfare that the 6th year girls’ group entrance must have caused had died down. Then she snuck down herself and skirted along the edge of the party to the portrait hole, beyond grateful that James was on the other side of the room facing the other way. _In your favorite shirt that fits him just right… Later Lily_ , she chided herself. _First, make sure your bestie’s all right._ Flashes of Mary’s face kept popping into her head.

Lily stumbled down the stairs, her head getting heavier and heavier as she made her way to the dungeons where she knew Marlene had disappeared to. _Maybe if I just come at it from another angle… maybe if I just banish that fucking bandage and she SEES it…_

“Lily?”

Lily turned sharply to the sound of her name, nearly falling over but righting herself against the wall. _What the fuck is happening?_ She blinked her eyes hard as the edges of her conscience started to blur and fade. _I had one shot…_ She swallowed dryly. _Did… did someone hex me?_ “Fuck.”

The voice got closer. “Hey, are you okay?” _Oh thank fucking Merlin, it’s Adam._

“No. I don’t feel good.” Panic started to set in and her voice wobbled.

Adam’s arm came around her waist. “Whoa.” She must have started to fall, because she suddenly felt pressure pushing her in an unwanted direction. Everything was starting to come to her in bursts. Scary, sporadic, bursts. _I just wanna go home. I just wanna be in my bed._ “It’s okay,” were the last words she heard before she blacked out completely.

☆☆☆

Lily gasped as she bolted upright. _Where the fuck…_ Her eyes groggily took in her surroundings, pretty damn sure she’d never been in this room before. The walls were brick and there was an overwhelming blur of yellow and black, as though nature had come out in full force to warn her that she was in danger. As soon as her eyes locked with a boy across from her, he extinguished his wand with a terse ‘ _Knox,_ ’ rolled over, and went right to sleep. _Robby?_ She was pretty sure that was him. _Wait a second…_ How was she currently able to see a Hufflepuff in his bed? She turned her head to the side and nearly screamed at the man lying next to her. It was Adam. Lily nearly hyperventilated thinking back over the night before, but she could barely remember a single thing. _I was in my room… with the girls?!_ She patted down her body, not willing to look in case she saw her worst fears come to life, but she was still in fact fully clothed, just cold as shit. A cool trickle of relief washed over her as she inhaled a deep breath.

As stealthily as she could, she snuck out of Adam’s bed, praising whichever Hufflepuff snored like the living dead and muffled her movements. She closed the door to the room behind her and nearly collapsed onto the staircase, clinging to the railing shakily. _What the actual fuck!? What happened last night? How did I get here?_ ** _What happened?_** Lily wanted to cry, but she had to make it home first. She had to make it back to Gryffindor.

She bounded down the stairs two at a time until she was in the common room, which thankfully she knew at this point.

She had just escaped through the Hufflepuff entrance and passed the random barrels obscuring it when she heard a high voice: “Well, well, well.” And Lily had naively thought her morning couldn’t get any worse. She froze, not wanting Avery to see what she was sure would be her makeup-smudged face. _Of all the days to actually apply a decent amount, I chose yesterday?_ “Is someone doing her slag walk-of-shame? Potter is going to be _pissed._ ” The multiple footsteps behind her told her he wasn’t alone.

“Fuck off, Avery,” she snarled as she kept marching up the stairs towards the Entrance Hall.

“Oo, feisty! Guess someone wasn’t even satisfied!” She rounded a corner, but his gross voice followed. “Enjoy your freedom while you can, Mudblood!” She didn’t have time to unpack that one.

She powered through her throbbing headache, climbing up countless flights of stairs until she saw the Fat Lady. She almost cried in relief as she stated, “Valor.”

“Correct.” The portrait opened, and it seemed Lily’s torture wasn’t done quite yet: the Marauders had just reached the bottom of their staircase.

Lily entered her common room, still shivering and feeling like a death row inmate who’d just received her final meal. Sirius and Peter avoided eye contact, James’ eyes roved over her (her necklace, last night’s clothes, her ashamed face) with a completely dead look, and Remus regarded her sympathetically. It was like 5th year all over again — only worse. Lily was suffocating.

“Hi Lily,” Remus said awkwardly.

Lily only had eyes for the broken boy with the messy locks. “James, I—” but she had no idea what she’d done. She had no idea what had even happened. How were you supposed to comfort someone when it was in fact you who needed saving? _He’ll get that. He’ll understand, I just have to tell him._

“Evans,” James passed her and Lily couldn’t help but notice the dark bags under his eyes and the absolute blinding burn of his single word. One word was all he needed to stab her right through the heart.

The corners of her eyes prickled and she felt like someone was tickling the inside of her nose. _No, I didn’t— I couldn’t—_ Lily wondered if whatever she’d been hit with was still fucking with her brain now. She felt like she was dying.

“James,” she cried out more fiercely, spinning around to the boys’ retreating backs. Her whole life had crumbled over a miscommunication before. She wasn’t going to let it happen again. She watched his back muscles stiffen as he stalled before the exit. Eventually, he told his friends he’d catch up to them. Lily eagerly approached him when they were alone, knowing she could explain everything now. She reached for his arm.

“ _Don’t._ ” He jerked away from her touch, and Lily had to fight off her tears once more.

She’d just have to plead with the back of his head then. “James, I’m _sorry_ , but I don’t think I actually did anything.”

He snorted cruelly. “You don’t _think?_ ”

“I…” Lily gesticulated wildly, “I don’t remember, but I honestly don’t think—”

“I used the Map, Lily.” His voice was just as dead as his eyes had been. “I know I shouldn’t have, but when you never showed, I was worried.” There was a pause that stretched through infinity. “I know you slept with him.”

“ **No**!” Lily moved around in front of him, trying to get him to look at her but he remained steadfast, focusing on a spot over her head. “I mean I did, but not like _that_!”

“Don’t lie, Lily. You were trying to tell me you didn’t want this like I did, I should have listened. You’ve been using me like a sex toy, nothing more—”

“That’s not it!” He finally looked at her, hearing the tears in the tremble of her vehemence. “I haven’t! I didn’t _do_ anything—”

“I thought you didn’t remember?”

Lily nearly pulled all her hair out right then and there. “I don’t, but—”

James scoffed furiously as his fists clenched at his sides. “Look, I can’t do this right now.” He tried to sidestep her but she backed up till she hit the portrait. She wasn’t going to lose him… not like this.

“Can we at least talk later?” she begged.

He wasn’t looking at her again, his eyes glistening. ”I can’t keep doing this, Lily. I really can’t.” If she didn’t know her own heart, she might have thought he was suffering just as much as she was right now. When he spoke again, he’d clearly been able to get his emotions back under control. “Get some rest, Evans. You look like shit.” With that, he brushed past her and pushed open the Fat Lady, leaving Lily alone to crumple into a shaking heap on the floor.

☆☆☆

After two 1st years had discovered her and thoroughly shamed her with their innocent and earnest worry for her well-being, Lily found the willpower to get herself up to her room. As soon as she’d pushed the door open, she was bombarded with absolute chaos. She heard someone retching in the bathroom, Hestia was crying in Marlene’s arms, and Dorcas was clutching her head, looking paler than she’d ever seen her.

“Where _were_ you?!” Marlene yelled storming over to Lily.

“Um,” Lily’s eyes darted around panicked. She needed a bloody fucking second; she felt like she’d been five steps behind all morning. On the far end of the room, she noticed Brianna looked sick but still unbelievably pleased with Lily’s current predicament.

“You scared us to death! Everyone here blacked out. And then I came back this morning and you were nowhere to be found!” _So she’d spent the night with Rosier. Great. Just a cherry on top of this raging dumpster fire of a morning._ “And so I went to the Marauders and James got all pissy and told me to ask you myself!“

“Everyone blacked out…?” Lily looked to all the other girls. Dorcas nodded solemnly. “I thought I’d been hexed…”

“Yeah, everyone but me,” Marlene growled. “How much did you drink Lily?”

“Just one—”

“I can’t fucking believe you!” _Fuck. If she’s swearing, she’s still beyond mad at me._ “You _tell me_ you’re into James, and the boy gives you his fucking heart on a silver platter, and then you— you… you _sleep with some other bloke!”_ Marlene hissed. Lily felt like she’d just been punched in the gut. _So everyone thinks I stepped out on James?_ “Well, don’t just stand there! What do you have to say for yourself?” Lily opened her mouth, but her friend continued her tirade, ”He’s my _cousin,_ Lily. He loves you, and this is how you treat him? You should be **ashamed** of yourself!”

“Marlene!” Lily had to yell to be heard. ”I didn’t leave to go shag anyone, I was looking for you, and then I blacked out!“ She motioned to the other girls. “I didn’t realize everyone else did too until just now.” She locked eyes with Dorcas. “We must have been roofied.” Dor had a Muggle mom; Lily knew she’d know what she meant.

“The booze…?” Dorcas’ eyebrows rose up her forehead as she caught onto Lily’s train of thought. “I thought we all just drank too much?”

“No way, that was different last night.” Lily had more than enough experience watching what alcohol did to people this summer to know. “And you were the only one who didn’t drink anything, right?” she asked Marlene. “And I bet you’re the only one who remembers leaving this room. We were drugged,” she declared conclusively. She turned back to Hestia and Dorcas. “Do you know what happened to you guys yesterday?”

“Apparently Sirius and James somehow got us all back up here when we each passed out downstairs. Assumed we’d had too much fun pre-gaming.”

_At least he saw it wasn’t just me then… that should help him believe me._ Lily rounded on Brianna, who nearly jumped when Lily approached. “Where’s the bottle?” The brunette squirmed uncomfortably. “It was your bottle right? Where’d you get it?” Brianna’s eyes strayed to Betty who blanched in response. “Brianna, this is important.”

The beauty pointed to the empty bottle beneath her bed. Lily reached for it, clutching it like the lifeline that it was. “I’m gonna take this it Madam Pomfrey. See if she can find any drug residue.” She marched determinedly to the door and then looked over her shoulder to Marlene. “Are you coming with me?”

She paused awkwardly, clearly still processing the dramatic turn of events. In her eyes, Lily had gone from an overprotective friend, to a slutty cousin-heartbreaker, to the possible survivor of a drugging, and it was obviously a lot to take in.

Lily didn’t have time to spare: it was either find out what had happened to all of them or wallow over a toilet and puke her guts out, and she wasn’t quite feeling up for the latter. She summoned her robe. “I’ll let you guys know what she says.”

☆☆☆

“Miss Evans, this is very serious, I hope you know this,” McGonagall said as she, Poppy, and Lily all stood around the empty Firewhiskey bottle on the healer’s desk. After Lily had explained what had happened to her and the other girls, Poppy had felt it necessary to call in Minerva. Lily figured her Head of House would overlook the fact that half of the girls were underage to drink hard alcohol in favor of uncovering the truth of an attack — she was fair like that.

“I know, Professor. But I’m pretty sure that’s what happened.”

“And you don’t know where this bottle came from?” she asked sternly.

“No. The girl,” no use throwing anyone specific under the bus, even if that someone was usually a bitch, “doesn’t remember. But she drank it and blacked out too, so I think her sharing it with everyone was an accident.” It was actually kind of surprising that Brianna _had_ shared something of hers with the room. Lily still viscerally remembered the screaming that had happened when her friend, Lisa, had borrowed Brianna’s jeans without asking her in 4th year. If she closed her eyes, she could still hear the ringing shrieks.

McGonagall nodded and pointed her wand to the bottle. The few drops that had been left at the bottom were currently being analyzed by a nifty little machine Pomfrey had collected out of the back of one of her cabinets. McGonagall concentrated very hard, making the cap and the remnants of the seal left on the base glow sapphire blue. “Interesting,” she muttered to herself.

“What is it, Minerva?” Poppy asked curiously.

“Whoever gave the girl this bottle wanted to know when it was opened. Besides poisoning it, they also put a notification charm on the seal.” Lily looked over the bottle, thoroughly frightened. “As soon as she opened it, they were alerted.”

Lily shuddered. _Who the hell wanted to drug Brianna?_ Sure, she’d never liked the girl, but she would also never want to see another girl get taken advantage of; that was simply barbaric.

McGonagall looked over her glasses to Lily. “I know you want to protect her identity, but I implore you to have her come see me. It appears as though she is in a lot of danger.”

A whistle blew, making all the women jump. Pomfrey rushed over to the analysis machine and pulled up the slip of parchment it had just spat out. “Rohypnol,” she stated seriously.

_We_ _were_ _drugged._

☆☆☆

Lily tried to talk to Brianna several times afterwards, but the girl was definitely avoiding her. Eventually she’d just snapped at Lily and told her she’d be fine and to leave her alone. Lily truly had no idea what her problem was and how she could be so blasé about the situation. Lily knew if someone was actively trying to dope her, she’d be completely panicked. Then again, she guessed she had enough to deal with considering the bounty already on her own head. _Thank Merlin me being drugged was collateral damage._

The only girls still in the room when Lily returned from the infirmary were Hestia and Dorcas, so she told them the news, asking them to spread it to the others. She was just so, so tired. She knew she was a stronger person than she had been last year, but everyone still had a breaking point — and she was painfully aware she was about to hit hers.

Lily headed towards the bathroom, ready to scrub her body completely raw and wipe this entire rotten day off of her skin.

“She won’t be mad at you for long.” Dorcas’ words stopped her in her tracks. “She’ll know you didn’t do anything wrong. She’s just protective of her cousin, but I believe you. I can tell you really like him.”

She nodded her head, hoping Dor could tell just how much she appreciated her words without her having to turn around. “Thank you.” Her voice was watery as she’d just started crying again. _Get it together, Evans._

But she couldn’t. She sobbed as she stripped off her clothes, her underwear harrowingly reminding her of how the night was supposed to go… with James. _James_. He’d looked so hurt this morning. She cried the entire shower. It was just too much: Voldemort, Marlene and James’ rejections, the vulnerability that came with knowing your body had just been out in the open all night with no one at the helm, completely unprotected.

“Lily?” Hestia said gently from the other side of her bed curtains when the girls had returned from brunch. Lily quickly wiped away the wetness from under her eyes. “Adam’s outside Gryffindor. He wants to talk to you. He looks really worried.”

“Okay, thanks, I’ll be right out,” Lily said in the strongest cadence she could muster. _I got this._ This was a good thing. Maybe Adam could help her piece together just what had happened last night. She took a deep breath and met him downstairs in the hall.

He looked almost terrified to see her. “Lily?” he asked tenderly. _Don’t you dare start crying again, don’t you dare…_ Before she knew what she was doing, she’d thrown her arms around his waist and hugged him as tightly as possible. She just needed to be held right now. He relaxed against her almost immediately and returned her embrace. “I was worried when you were gone this morning. Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Lily let out a shaky breath, taking a step back to see his brilliantly blue eyes. “Sorry, I just woke up so confused.”

Adam scratched the back of his neck. “Had a little too much to drink?” he supplied.

“No. Get this — someone tried to drug Brianna.”

“ _What?!_ ” Adam cried.

“Yeah. She shared her spiked Firewhiskey with all of us and we blacked out.”

“ **Fuck** …” Adam muttered staring at the wall. “Do you think this is related to Rosier?”

Lily bit her lip. She hadn’t even thought of that. _Did he want all us girls out of the way for the night? It was risky as hell… but it had kind of worked, hadn’t it?_ Lily hadn’t been able to stop Marlene from seeing him… “Maybe?” _But there was no way he’d know Marlene wouldn’t drink any… unless… he’d actually wanted her to._ _Fuck_ _._ Lily’s head started pounding all over again.

“Shit. Well, it explains how out of it you were.”

Lily gave a fake little smile to a group of 3rd years who approached, eyeing her curiously before ducking through the portrait. “Yeah, so what happened?”

Adam pursed his lips. “Well, I was sneaking over to the kitchens when I found you, _completely_ gone, like, eyes all hazy, it was **scary**. Anyway, I thought about taking you back to Gryffindor, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to climb your stairs even if I could get in, and I couldn’t just leave you in the common room, that is of course if I could even get past this portrait without a password,” he pointed to the Fat Lady as he rambled on, “so I figured my only option was carrying you into my dorm.” He looked at her significantly. “But I swear, I just put you on the bed. I probably should have slept on the floor, but my back’s been killing me.” He grimaced guiltily.

Lily _knew_ Adam would never take advantage of her like that, but she still felt the pit in her stomach lift and fade all the same. “Thank you for taking care of me. Seriously.” Lily pushed back her hair. “When I woke up, Robby was just _staring_ at me, so I was afraid I’d made a fool of myself.”

“Nope. You didn’t. That would have been pretty hard to do considering you were just… _out._ ” He looked even guiltier now. “You probably think I’m a shit friend, huh? I should have brought you to the hospital wing but I honestly thought you were just plastered and needed to sleep it off. I didn’t want to get you in any trouble.”

Lily touched his shoulder. “I do **not** think you’re a shit friend. I could never.”

☆☆☆

By the time Monday rolled around, Lily felt like she must have aged 80 years. The only bright spot all weekend was when Marlene pulled her aside to apologize for accusing her of sleeping with someone else and judging her. She had, however, remained adamant that for the sake of their friendship, they shouldn’t discuss Rosier ever again, ‘because you clearly don’t approve.’ Lily thought that was an awfully euphemistic way to say, ‘think he’s a deranged blood supremacist,’ but she bit her tongue. A saying her mum used to tell her rang in her ears: ‘You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved, Sweetheart.’

“Hey, can we talk after class?” James’ voice made all the hairs on her arms stand at attention in Transfiguration class.

“Sure,” Lily croaked, her throat suddenly parched.

He gave her a little half-smile and sat with his friends a few rows down. By now she was sure he’d heard the whole story. Hell, even wholesome fellow prefect Rebecca had approached Lily at breakfast, very concerned, to see how she was doing. The rumors were flying — and Lily did not miss that the Slytherins were jumping at the chance to spread anti-Muggle and anti-Muggle-born sentiment by leveraging the fact that it was a Muggle drug used for the attack. (That one of the six girls that had been doped was Muggle-born was, of course, _irrelevant_.)

Lily couldn’t help but be terribly worried about James. _What does he want to talk about? I doubt it’s anything good._ He hadn’t come and found her that weekend, and after his sharp rebuke, she’d been too scared to be the one to initiate anything.

An hour had never passed more slowly; the only slightly distracting thing to keep Lily from spiraling was when McGonagall scolded Robby for falling asleep and she saw Dorcas sneakily slip him her notes. But true to his word, James was standing by her desk at the end of class, bag slung over his shoulder and the same strained half-smile firmly in place. “Wanna find someplace more private?”

“Sure.” _Surely, you can think of another word to say._

Every footstep reverberated in her head as they moved in silence to a deserted classroom. James sat down on a desk with a big sigh, looking every ounce as exhausted as she felt while she closed the door.

The seconds dragged on. “I’m sorry,” she blurted out, taking a small step towards him. He felt so friggin’ far away.

He looked up to her alarmed. “For what?”

_Is he serious?_ “For making you worry.”

“It’s not your fault. _I’m_ sorry for jumping to conclusions.” He ruffled his hair anxiously. “You’d just been roofied and I accused you of—” he cut himself short. His hazel eyes locked with hers meaningfully. “I’m really sorry.”

“Apology accepted.” She gave a sad little laugh, hoping against hope that this was it — all he’d needed to say — and they could go back to the way things were. They could go back to how they were at his home — them against the world and nothing else mattering.

She knew she wasn’t going to be so lucky.

“I, um…” His tongue fiddled with his teeth under his lip as he gazed out the window. The snow made everything so damn bright. “I was serious though. I can’t keep doing this.“

She took another step closer, wanting to touch him but suddenly not knowing if it was allowed any longer. “Doing what?” _Please say meeting in classrooms. It’s gotta be strictly in beds from now on. It would be a sad compromise, but one I’d so gladly make._

He still looked stoically through the glass. “I don’t want this to come out as an ultimatum, because it’s not meant to be one, I just… need you to choose already. Because I can’t do any more nights like Friday, Lily.”

“So what’s the choice?”

He looked at her and it hit her like a ton of bricks. “Either we’re together, like fully, exclusively, the whole thing, and you accept that that might put a target on my back too…”

“Or?” Her voice cracked.

James’ eyes dropped to her necklace; she’d never taken it off. “Or we have to stop this all together.”

“Why?” Lily asked quickly. “Why can’t we just go back to the way things were— Thursday?” she stammered. They’d been in each other arms, they’d laughed, they’d been themselves. “It was perfect.”

James looked down to his clasped hands. “It’s not some temporary thing, Lily. If you just needed time, I could give you that. But… this isn’t going away. The prophecy is,” he took a deep breath, “it. And I can’t keep worrying about someone who isn’t even mine to worry about. Does that make sense?”

“Not really,” she replied honestly.

He took a beat. “When you never came to the party, and I looked at the Map, I saw Adam’s label practically on top of yours. Because we’re not together, I assumed you guys were fucking. Which, as Padfoot yelled at me, is your right to do,” he grumbled. “If you were my girlfriend, I would have _known_ you were in trouble and come and helped, right?” He raked all his nails over his temples just a little too roughly. “But I’m not your boyfriend, and I can’t keep putting myself out there emotionally,” tears welled in his eyes, “if we’re not even a real thing. I can’t do this half-assed anymore.”

“We _are_ the real thing, though,” Lily argued.

“Lily,” he responded agonizingly, “you can’t even tell me how you feel about me.”

“I—I, I’m working on it.”

James got to his feet in front of her, touching both her elbows. It was a kind gesture, but not nearly intimate enough for her. _I need you. Please don’t leave me like this._ “I know you are. I am too. But Lily, you didn’t see me Friday.” His hands dropped to his sides, his expression darkening in shame. “I kinda lost it. I was ready to go barge into Hufflepuff and rip Adam limb from limb. I wanted to fuck another girl, any girl, in front of you just so you could feel the pain I was feeling, I wanted—” He cut himself off pushing his glasses up so he could rub his eyes. Lily watched him enthralled and terrified. “Remus had to talk me down. But can’t you see? I don’t _want_ to be like that anymore. I’ve been trying so hard **not** to be that, to **be** better than that, to be someone who actually could deserve someone like you, and I almost snapped that night and went right back to who I was.”

Lily hadn’t taken a breath since he’d said, ‘someone like you,’ _someone_ _like_ _you._

“I can’t put myself through that anymore. _I don’t want to feel that vulnerable anymore._ ” A tear slipped out and trailed down his cheek. Lily cursed the day she was born for making him cry like this. “I don’t want to feel like you could literally break me at any second. So you have to choose.”

Two pairs of watery eyes locked and in the same moment, they realized it was over. _How am I supposed to choose? Loose you now or watch you die with me?!_ “James, I—” Lily started hyperventilating, “I can’t, I just—”

James cut her off by crushing her to his chest, one arm around her back while the other cradled her head under his chin. She squeezed him tightly, trying to etch the feel of him into her very DNA. She was going to die, but he would live. _He will live,_ she chanted in her head, her own mantra to stop from doing something completely selfish like kissing him and telling him she wanted everything he did… because she did. _Fuck, I do. A thousand times over, I do._ She cried into his shirt while he stroked her hair gently.

He gave the top of her head a long kiss. “Take care of yourself, Lily.” He pulled back, and strode out the door.

Lily skipped the rest of the day’s classes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Okay, confession: when I was first outlining this story (and was clearly very in a James-is-a-bad-boy headspace), I had Lily seducing Adam while drugged and sleeping with him. In retaliation, James forged a note to have her walk in on him shagging Stone in her classroom. WHOOPS! I hope you agree that where the characters are now, this totally would not work anymore!


	32. Monsters You Can’t See

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up: After this chapter I take a 3 chapter interlude to do the story from James' POV 
> 
> Warning: Misogyny, Violence, Kidnapping

**_Later January, 6th Year_ **

“Rose, I mean this a hundred percent sincerely,” Sirius said unexpectedly plopping down in front of Lily in the library, “what the fuck are you doing?”

Lily looked down to her notes, caught off guard. “The Charms essay?”

“No dummy, with Prongs.”

“Oh.” Lily continued to look at him utterly perplexed.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked annoyed.

“Like what?”

“Like I’m someone ugly, _I don’t know_ , people don’t normally look at me the way you are.”

“I’m just surprised you’re talking to me, s’all,” she answered honestly.

Ever since their talk, Lily and James had mostly avoided each other, only saying a few words here and there and exchanging cordial smiles.

It. Was. **_Torture_**.

Lily had no idea how she was supposed to act like she didn’t know what he tasted like, know how he moaned when he came, know how he smiled just for her — like his entire day was made whenever she’d granted him even the littlest hint of affection — so well that she could have painted it. She wanted so badly to _Obliviate_ herself — to forget every touch, every word, every perfect moment they had created for themselves — but she couldn’t. After all, when she’d see him the next morning, this handsome, fit, charming, witty stranger, why wouldn’t she just ask him out right away? It was driving her absolutely insane.

“Why?” Sirius pushed.

“Because… You’re Prongs’ friend.” Lily found even saying his real name hurt.

“I am. So?”

“So… I dunno!” Lily threw her hands up in frustration.

“You thought I only talked to you because you were screwing my best mate?”

Lily cocked her brow at him. “Maybe?”

“Evans, I told you, I like you—”

“I don’t think you ever have actually.”

Sirius looked up to the ceiling, pondering this. “Well, I do, you’re sassy; but stop fishing for compliments.” Before Lily could protest, he rolled on through. “Now that we’ve established that we’re _friends_ , I’m allowed to say this: you’re fucking up big time!”

“Wow, I’m so happy we’re friends now,” Lily deadpanned.

”I’m serious! I don’t get it!” He got a little too animated and Pince shushed him. He leaned in. “I saw you this Christmas: you’re smitten like a kitten with him.” He pushed his hair out of he gorgeous face agitatedly. “I went out on a limb for you, Evans. I basically told him to man up and ask you out proper otherwise he couldn’t get mad when you fucked around — but I heard you actually didn’t shag anyone else, congrats.” He held up his hands like it would somehow excuse his vulgar language and incorrect assumptions. “But I never would have pushed him had I known you’d say _no._ ”

It all clicked into place: Sirius obviously wasn’t aware of the prophecy — Dumbledore had sworn them to secrecy. To Sirius, James and her just looked like an in love couple… half of which had major commitment issues. _How frustrating it must be for James not to be able to tell him my secret._ “It’s complicated.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Then uncomplicated it.” He stood up from the table but then leaned back in. “And don’t wait too long, Rose. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but your man is a catch.” _Oh have I ever…_

His words hurt though. She knew it would only be a matter of time before James would find someone else like her, but this someone wouldn’t be cursed. She’d be smart, funny, beautiful… and able to live a long, happy, _peaceful_ life with him. Give him children. Get to watch as he became the amazing father she knew he could be. _Well, at least you won’t be around to have to watch it for too long,_ she joked with herself morosely to prevent herself from crying instead. “Hey Sirius,” she called after him, getting his attention back before he left. “I’m sorry.”

His brows twitched. “Hm?”

“I didn’t know you were a decent guy before. I apologize for that.” After all, it took a special sort of person to talk to a girl and try to make her come to her senses on your behalf behind your back.

“Oh Lily.” He winked. “That’s because I wasn’t.”

☆☆☆

The days passed slowly, with Marlene and Lily slowly patching up their friendship. Mar clearly still felt a little guilty for coming at Lily as strongly as she had, but Lily understood that (at least on the James front) she was only trying to protect the ones she loved. Dorcas started acting a little more chipper to help mediate the temporary tension, which Lily greatly appreciated from the usually very sarcastic girl.

Despite all this, Lily still found herself seeking solitude, huddled by the lake, frigidly writing in her diary. She considered lighting a little blue flame, like James had taught her over Christmas, but she just couldn’t do it. It felt wrong to steal his tricks when she wasn’t with him, as silly as that sounded.

Ever since there’d been a vicious attack in London against Muggles, the Aurors that had been stationed around the outskirts of Hogwarts had been called back. It seemed as though their department was stretched thin enough as it was, and they couldn’t justify anyone just hanging around a school campus. Lily didn’t mind much — she’d always felt pretty safe at Hogwarts. It was probably this upcoming summer that she had to worry about. She wondered what Dumbledore would have her do then. _I’ll have to find another job… and a place to stay…_

But she tried to focus on the good in her life too: knowing that Mary was ( _maybe_ ) coming back made her so excited for next year. She’d make sure she and Marlene and Dorcas all became super close, hell, even Hestia could join their girl gang too, and things would be great. _Next year. And maybe then you won’t notice that James no longer wants anything to do with you…_

The worst part was, she couldn’t even blame him. His proclamations all burned in her mind: ‘you’ve been using me like a sex toy,’ ‘you can’t even tell me how you feel,’ even his tipsy little joke back at his house, ‘would you still wan’ me if I weren’t so fuckin’ fit?’ plagued her. He wasn’t completely off base either, at least in the beginning. When they’d started this, she **had** been using him for his body. In her head, he had wronged her, so she was getting hers, his own feelings about everything be damned. It hadn’t felt so bad when she’d realized what he actually wanted from her, because by that point, she’d been on the same page — even if she couldn’t give it to him yet (or maybe at all). But obviously, he’d had enough. And she couldn’t blame him.

_So now he’s abandoned you._ Lily knew it wasn’t quite that dramatic, they still saw each other every ( _damn, miserable, inescapable_ ) day in this ( _way too tiny, fish-bowl of a_ ) castle, but that’s what it **felt** like. _It’s better this way,_ Lily tried convincing herself. _Less people will get hurt like this. James will be all right. James will_ _live_ _._

Lily got up from her island rock surrounded by ice and slid forward, towards the center of the lake. It was fun, it was dumb, she needed it. She ran and slid again, going a couple meters this time before skidding to a halt. Over and over she ran and slid until her feet flew out from under her and she crashed onto the ice in a giggling heap. She lay on her back, in the middle of the frozen lake, looking up at the crystal blue sky, catching her breath. _Less than 8 months till September. You can do this… you’ve gotten through worse._

“Lily…” a voice hissed from behind her, forcing her to bolt into sitting position. Overcome with fear, her wide eyes darted around. _It couldn’t have been behind you… because that means…_ “ ** _Lily_** …!” The call was coming from below the ice.

Chest heaving, Lily gathered the nerve to glance down — and immediately screamed. Glowing red eyes on a snow-white face just below the surface were staring straight at her, bashing its forehead into the ice, causing cracks to propagate throughout the lake, ringing out like a sharp death knoll.

“Stop! _STOP!_ ” Lily yelled hysterically getting on her hands and knees as water spurted out through the fissure, spraying her. She was about to fall into the freezing water, about to join this _creature,_ and there was nothing she could do to prevent it. A pale arm with spidery fingers shot through the ice and grabbed her forearm. “ ** _No!_** ”

“LILY!” Remus’ voice called out as he sprinted towards her, skidding to a halt by her side. He put a warm arm around her, pulling her to her feet. “Lily, what are you—”

“Look, look!” Lily said deliriously, pointing to their feet… but there was nothing there, only smooth ice over black emptiness. “No…” Lily mumbled. “It was just there! I just saw it!”

“Lily, let’s get you back—” Remus tried gently, ushering her towards the castle.

“No! Remus, there was just a creature! You have to believe me, it had red eyes, and a pale face, and… they were just there!” She knew she sounded crazy, but she was sure it had just been there. The way her heart was still thumping through her ribs couldn’t have been made up.

Remus wrapped his cloak around her. “Maybe it was a Mermaid? I’ve heard they live down there.”

Embarrassment flooded her body. _Did I just have a meltdown… over a sodding Mermaid?_ “Maybe…”

“Why were you that far out anyway?” He had wrangled them almost back on land now.

Lily shivered, quickly picking up her bag along the way. “It was fun while it lasted.”

Remus scoffed. “Okay, well, even Padfoot has his dumb fun with a buddy. Maybe you should consider doing the same.”

Lily felt like she was getting lectured by a professor. They walked in silence for a bit, Lily’s mind reeling. “So you’re not gonna yell at me too?”

Remus gave her a look. “I thought I kinda just did.”

“No, not about my spur of the moment iceskating, about Prongs.” She blew a lock of hair out of her face. “Padfoot did.”

“Oh.” Remus shifted a bit. “I mean, it’s not really any of my business, so…”

Lily no longer knew if the shaking of her hands was from the cold or because of that terrifying sight she’d just witnessed. Either way, she was drained, this was her first time alone with Remus in a while, and she had run out of tact days ago: “Do you need me to cover for you on any prefects duties on the 31st?”

Remus stopped in his tracks, eyes trailing to her slowly. “Why would I need your help on the 31st?”

Lily tilted her head and gave him a ‘oh really?’ expression. “Because your mum’s gonna be sick.”

Remus opened and closed his mouth uselessly, at a complete loss.

Lily continued, “I’m not going to tell anyone obviously, but you might want to ask your friends to tone down their moon-related jokes.” She shrugged like it was no big deal. “Also, if your mum was actually sick, you would never have spent Christmas Eve and most of Christmas at the Potter’s; it didn’t make sense.”

Remus stared at her dumbfounded like he couldn’t compute why she hadn’t run for the hills yet. “You don’t… you don’t think I’m a monster?”

That he was genuinely asking broke her heart. “Only when you don’t share the flourless chocolate cake with me on Fridays and eat it all yourself.”

He gave her a small smile. “That you discovered my secret because of your keen sense of empathy is just so you, Lily.” She beamed back at him. "Why didn’t you say something sooner?”

“Um,” Lily fidgeted with her hair, “I thought it wasn’t really any of my business? And you’re always so considerate of mine.” She looked into his kind eyes. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want you to know I’m here for you. And, I got a little carried away researching earlier, and I know it’s not much, but I found this complicated brew I could try to make for you that’s supposed to ease—” But Lily could’t finish her sentence, because Remus had brought her in for a suffocating hug. “Oof! I mean, I said I’d try _,_ it really has the most complex instructions I’ve ever seen.”

Remus pulled back, eyes watery. “Thank you. Poppy’s tried multiple times to brew it, the previous healer too, but they can never get it right. We think Slughorn could probably do it, but we can’t be sure that he would be accepting of my… of my condition.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” Lily reached for his hands and gave them a gentle squeeze. She tilted her head. “I still haven’t figured out why _all_ of you have animal nicknames though. I mean, clearly Prongs is _obsessed_ with deer, but I haven’t found an ailment that turns you into one.”

Remus smirked. “I guess you’ll have to ask him about that.”

Later, when she was undressing for bed, Lily noticed a scorching red handprint on her left forearm. The creature had somehow burned her through all the layers of her clothing.

☆☆☆

Soon it was Lily’s 17th birthday. The best present she thought she’d be getting was the knowledge that the Ministry would be writing to Rick and Mag to inform them that she’d been emancipated and they would no longer be getting paid to ‘take care’ of her. She doubted they’d even be able to figure out it was because it was her birthday.

“Happy birthday!” Marlene said brightly, depositing a bag at the front of Lily’s bed.

“Mar, you didn’t have to buy me anything…” Lily flushed embarrassedly. “It’s no big deal.”

“No big deal? Lily. You’re legally an ADULT! The world is your oyster! You can officially do whatever you want!”

“Except Apparate well apparently. I don’t get why you’re so bad at it,” Dorcas deadpanned laying down a box next to Marlene’s present. “This one’s from me and Hestia by the way.”

It was true, they’d had another few lessons in Apparation in the Great Hall, and Lily just couldn’t get it right, and she had no idea why. It was the most frustrating thing ever. Sirius — who already had his license but was at the lessons anyway for moral support for the other Marauders — had found her weakness _hilarious._ By the end of the hour, he’d just started popping up all around her just to show off. It was lucky he was so fast, otherwise she’d have made her prediction of punching him in the face come true.

“Guys, this is too much—”

“Sh, you don’t even know what it is. We could have gotten you a spoon.”

“A very shiny spoon,” Marlene added, nodding happily.

Lily rolled her eyes and pulled a gorgeous gold-sequined mini dress out of Mar’s gift bag, her jaw dropping. It was absolutely _gorgeous._ She was at a complete loss for words.

“I thought the color would go well with your skin tone and hair color. But if you hate it, I figured you could always charm it for the night. I’ve seen you do that before.”

“It’s already perfect.” Lily’s eyes hadn’t left the sparkly piece. “Now all I need is to go out with you guys one of these nights.”

The girls shared a giggle. “How bout tonight?”

“Hm?”

Marlene shrugged. “I may be throwing you a surprise party.” Dorcas put up air-quotes as their friend said, ‘surprise.’ “I just figured you should know so you don’t go volunteering at the hospital wing—”

“Or brewing some mystery potion in the dungeons—”

“Or doing all the homework for the next year—”

“Or saving kittens from the Whomping Willow—”

“Okay! Okay, I’ll keep tonight free!” Lily tittered.

Dorcas pointed to the box. “It’s jewelry by the way.” She stood up to resume getting ready for the day. “Spoiler: it’s gold.”

Lily laughed, before looking up to her. “Hey, don’t you have practice tonight?”

“Psh. Like Potter would miss this.”

Lily blushed as she opened the box to see a dainty bracelet with gold stars. She sighed internally, happy she could keep wearing her current necklace, even if it was a clashing of metals. She knew James noticed small details like this, and keeping his heart on her was her small, pathetic way of declaring she still loved him. Even if he had no idea what her actions meant — _because you never told him, you dolt._

“I invited him tonight, is that all right? I basically invited everyone,” Marlene whispered.

Lily nodded. “Yeah, that’s great. I’m excited.” It was a half-truth; the other half of her wanted to puke.

☆☆☆

“Rose!!” Sirius cried out before engulfing Lily in a bear hug at breakfast, a bouquet of white roses in his hand.

“Sirius, can’t breathe—!” Lily huffed, practically in his armpit.

“You’re officially a _woman_ now! Congratulations!”

Lily gave him a sly smile as he pulled back, stuffing the roses under her nose. “Thank you. These smell lovely.” Lily was secretly grateful he hadn’t gifted her alcohol like she’d been scared he might. She was rather over the stuff considering what had happened last time she’d indulged even a little bit.

Remus and Peter had gotten her two books on healing and James had been there, awkwardly standing back while his friends wished her well. She hadn’t expected anything from him, but… it still hurt. Perhaps he’d seen this on her face, because right before they moved on, he leaned in quickly to kiss her cheek. She tried her hardest not to react, she really did, but the second his lips touched her skin, she couldn’t help her breath loudly catching in her throat. He pulled back slowly, his eyes all fire as they panned down her face. “Happy birthday, Lils.”

And then he was gone. Like it had never happened at all. (Any of it.)

☆☆☆

“Sooo, I heard there’s a party in your honor tonight?” Adam asked as they settled into their seats in Defense Against the Dark Arts class. The first few times James hadn’t sat with her anymore had been the most painful; she was almost over it by now. _Almost._

“Yeah… apparently it’s in the Astronomy Tower. Rebecca’s doing rounds — again? She told me she owes her brother. No clue what that’s about, but she said she’s gonna pretend like the Astronomy Tower doesn’t exist tonight, so that’s cool!”

“Awesome. I’ll give you your present then.”

Lily had stopped trying to refuse gifts at this point. This year was such a complete 180 from her 16th birthday… which she wasn’t sure that she could even really remember. Remus might have given her some cake?

☆☆☆

Before she knew it, Marlene was rushing Lily, all dolled up (but in flats, she’d insisted given how much her feet had hurt after the Potter Christmas Gala) to the tallest tower. Whoever had performed the muffling charm must have been a genius, because she couldn’t hear a single squeak until she opened the door.

It was loud, people were drunk, and it was a lot. She was happy other people were having fun, and that Sirius seemed to have made himself the unofficial host (because that was always entertaining), but she couldn’t stop wishing she had someone’s strong, tan arm around her. She wished he was whispering in her ear what a ham his brother was. She wished he was holding her hand while she was blowing out her cake’s candles and you bet your sweet ass she was wishing for him when she did.

_I made a mistake. Is it too late to tell him this? Is it too late to throw caution to the wind and gamble both our lives for a moment of happiness?_ And just like that, she’d talked herself back out of any sort of reconciliation — _you selfish cow._

Lily snuck away to the tower’s tiny roofless spire where only the Astronomy class’ top student was ever allowed to work from. In her experience, this had mostly been Remus. He had always seemed pretty invested in the moon’s orbit, and now she felt like an idiot for not having pondered why that might be sooner. As soon as she got to the landing, she wished she’d just stuck it out downstairs. “I’m so sorry!” she peeped as Dor and Robby jumped apart, faces flushed and lips swollen. “I didn’t realize anyone was up here!” She pointed behind her. “I’ll just go.”

“No need, birthday girl!” Dorcas squeaked back. “We’ll just…” She motioned down the stairs and then dragged a very bashful Robby along behind her.

“Happy birthday, Lily!” he called over his shoulder while disappearing.

Lily chuckled as she leaned against the parapet. The grounds looked so pretty from all the way up here. Hagrid’s hut was but a tiny Lego piece on the lawn, billowing a constant spiral of smoke.

Suddenly her back felt unreasonably warm and she was bathed in a faint blue glow. She squeezed her eyes shut. _Please be here,_ ** _please_** _be here with me…_ she prayed to all things magical.

“Aren’t you freezing?” _Sweet Merlin. Maybe birthday wishes_ _do_ _come true?_

His blue flame floated next to her as James wrapped her in his cloak and leaned over the wall next to her. “Nah. This white knight keeps banishing the cold away from me, so I’m always all right.” It was her birthday — she was allowed to flirt a little.

The corner of his mouth dragged up. “Not enjoying your party?”

“No, I am. I just… needed a breather.”

He turned his head to face her. “Oh yes, I could see how there’d be a lack of fresh air in an _Astronomy Tower,_ ” he teased.

“Shut up.” She good-naturedly shoved his arm. They chuckled for a moment before the tension snuck back over them.

“I, uh,” he struggled, scratching his ear, “got you a present. I don’t know if you wanted one from me or not, but—”

“I do,” Lily cut him off turning her body to him fully.

He gave her a shy grin at her obvious eagerness. “Well, it’s in the inner pocket.” He motioned to the cloak currently keeping her from freezing. Lily patted her sides down and then pulled out a heavy rectangle covered in red Snitch wrapping paper. _So James._ She couldn’t help but smile at him. He continued almost timidly, “It’s not much, I just thought you might like…”

But his words trailed off as soon as she’d ripped it open to reveal a silver frame just like the one that housed her portrait on his nightstand back home. Only in this frame, it showed the two of them slowly dancing in the snow: her in his formal robe and him looking at her with all the love in the world. Lily had no idea _they_ had been on the master shot-list Sirius had provided to the photographers at the Potter Gala. She watched the photograph memorized, wanting more than anything to be back in that moment. She felt tears welling in her eyes.

“You hate it?” James asked tentatively.

“No, I love it.” She looked at him standing right in front of her, barely any space between their bodies now. She could feel his magnetic force, pulling her in, and who was she to deny science? She was but one woman. One hopelessly in love, head over heels, woman. “I love it,” she repeated in an adoring whisper.

“Good,” he breathed, leaning his face just above hers as he cupped her cheek, sending a jolt through her skin. _Kiss me, kiss me…!_ she screamed, and she swore he heard it, or maybe just felt it. His jaw clenched wildly as he brought his lush lips to hers. This wasn’t fair, to either of them — but neither was life. Suddenly, if only for a magical moment in time, the world’s burdens didn’t feel so heavy on her shoulders. She knew it was stupid, because the longer they melted into each other’s embrace, the more she certainly _wasn’t_ getting oxygen, but she felt like she could finally _breathe_ again.

When James pulled back, his expression was vulnerable and open. Now was her chance, she could finally just **admit** how she felt and beg for him to take her back and… _we’ll make it work somehow. It’s worth it._ The frame in her clutches showed that he wanted nothing more either. Some people spent their whole lives looking for this kind of love — _and we have it._ What kind of monster would try to deny this?

“James, I—”

“Oh, sorry, I thought you were up here alone!” Lily had actually never been angrier to hear Adam’s voice. She quickly stuffed her present back into the cloak’s pocket, watching James’ face, but it was too late. His mask, and guard, were back up in full swing.

“No problem, man. We were done here.” His voice no longer contained any of its previous tenderness and his blue flame had fizzled out. It was going to be a lot harder than she thought to win him back.

“James…” she pleaded under her breath to no avail. He dipped around the corner and out of sight.

“Happy birthday!” Adam cheered, uncharacteristically oblivious to her current mood.

Lily knew it wasn’t his fault, but _Merlin_ did she want to slap him right now. “Thanks.”

“Come, I gotta give you my present.” Adam held out his palm to her. She worked out her sexual frustration by pretending he wanted a low-five instead. _A very, very hard low-five._

She followed him as he turned and walked back to the party. “Where is it?”

“It’s a surprise. Come on!” His first surprise was when he walked straight through the crowd and out the door.

“What?” she exclaimed in the now silent corridor. “Where are we going?”

“Do you trust me?”

She rolled her eyes. “Sure. But make it quick, Mar would kill me if I left her party early…” she bumped her shoulder into his. “Even if I wanted to.”

“Ha, well, I promise this won’t take long,” he said grinning. “Did I mention I saw Rosier at the party?”

“What?!” Lily yelled. “No way!”

Adam went in depth detailing how there had been a stranger at the party, which obviously made no sense, considering they knew _everyone_ in the castle, at least in passing, so his theory was that Rosier had done a few little body morphing spells to keep a certain lady company. Lily tried to keep her face as blank as possible, not wanting to betray Marlene’s secret to anyone. At this point they were at the enormous oak front doors.

“Adam, we’re going _outside?!”_ She was monumentally grateful to James for lending her his cloak.

“Come on, you’re not scared of a little cold, are you?”

“No, but have you seen these flats?” She propped up a foot to demonstrate as she linked her arm though his. “If I get frostbite, you’re charming me new toes.”

“Deal,” Adam chuckled. “I thought we could go to our spot.“

Lily stiffened a little. _They_ didn’t have a spot, but she was probably still being a little on edge around Adam considering what he’d just interrupted for her. “It’s fireworks, isn’t it?” she joked as she continued to let him lead her to the lake.

“Ah, you got me.” He gave her an easy smile. He looked a lot like his brother in that moment. They got right to the edge of the lake when he asked her to take a seat, so she conjured up a pillow so her bum wouldn’t freeze.

Then he hexed her where she stood.

Still turned to the ground, Lily felt her wand slip through her fingers as it whipped into Adam’s outstretched hand. “Adam,” she jokingly chided, taking a step towards him. “Not funny—”

The second hex hit her straight through the chest — he’d immobilized her, or at least he’d tried to, since she still seemed to have control of her neck and above.

“FUCK!!” he yelled furiously in front of her, watching as she looked from her frozen body up to him and back down again startled. ”I swear those assholes bought me a CHEAP FUCKING WAND!” His cry echoed around the empty space all around them. They were alone for as far as the eye could see.

“Adam, what are you doing?” she asked quietly, trying not to provoke him any further as panic replaced the blood in her veins. Every beat of her heart spread it farther and farther until she could tell her whole body was running on it.

But he ignored her, examining her wand. “See, you’re probably just good because you have a proper wand.” He swished it back and forth, but no sparks were emitted, only pissing him off more.

“Adam—”

“ _What?!_ ” he screamed.

Lily thought back to being in the tower, _you can see this spot right? It’s visible from up there?_ But she wasn’t sure. It may just have been obscured by the large beech tree. “Adam, what’s going on?” Her mind was still having a hard time accepting the obvious: Adam was bad news.

He pointed her own wand right in her face. “If you scream, I’ll gag you.”

“O-okay,” she complied, given absolutely no choice in the matter. _Adam…_ _Adam_ _?!_

“ _Fuck_!” he yelled, starting to pace in front of her. “If I could just get _Imperio_ to work,” he mumbled.

Lily’s mind raced, trying to keep up. Now was not the time for shock or fear… She had to get smart. _You have to keep him talking. James will notice you’re missing. He always does._ “Is that why we were assigned that curse? Did you ask for it or something?”

“Smart girl, smart girl… but not quite smart enough, eh?” he mused. “Jennifer knew I was having problems mastering it, so she was trying to help me out. Pairing with you was of course,” his hand motioned up and down her body, “to get closer to you.”

_What. The. Fuck? Jennifer?! He doesn’t mean… he couldn’t actually…_ “Professor Stone?”

“Aw, Lily, don’t get mad,” he taunted. “She’s only doing her job. As am I.” He turned to her fully, wand raised, and if Lily could have shuddered, she would have. A new curse was on the tip of his tongue.

_Think, Lily, think! Is Adam a fucking DEATH EATER?_ Her best friend, the sweet, innocent boy that she’d worried had a silly little crush on her, a motherfucking racist, murderous bigot? _I was so focused on Rosier… how could I have missed this?!_ _“_ How did you do it?” she spat out quickly.

“Hm. Impressed a Hufflepuff could pull anything off, are you?” _Holy shit… he’s always had this chip on his shoulder, hasn’t he? I just thought it was_ ** _cute_** _._ He snorted. “It was actually incredibly easy, _Lily…_ ” She’d hit the jackpot with that question. He was champing at the bit to brag about all his scheming. “You were so fucking desperate. It was like you were _begging_ for me to swoop in. I was almost embarrassed for you.”

She watched him like one would a plane crash, if that plane had been your best friend over the past year and the resulting collision represented your life. _How the fuck did I miss this? This can’t be Adam. My Adam… I can’t have been so blind. He took care of me. He had my back._

He continued as though his sole purpose was to rip her gullible heart out. “I saw you come out to this spot a lot, so I came here and waited. Like clockwork, you came one day and complained about _your sister_ , so I fed you a sob story about _my brother_ , knowing you’d eat that shit right up. And you _did._ You bleeding heart empaths always do.” His voice went high as he mocked her. “‘Oo, look at me, I’m Lily! I’m a healer and I wanna heal the world! I just want everyone to be **_happy_**!’ You think you’re better than the rest of us, don’t you?” He sneered as he jabbed her cheek with his wand. She refused to budge. “You know, that’s what always pissed me off the most. How could you — a Mudblood with no notable family and not a cent to your name — dare to flounce around these halls like you could amount to anything?”

_Holy shit… he must have the smallest penis._

“That bitch friend of yours was the same way — daring to ask me out, completely unashamed that she had a _Squib_ for a sister,” he hissed, spittle flying everywhere. As pitiful as Adam was turning out to be, she had to give him credit in that regard — he had been a brilliant actor. How he’d managed to keep a lid on this level of hatred and depravity was way beyond Lily’s comprehension. “I may have had a worthless brother, but as least he was a wizard.”

_Oh my god… Paxton._

An evil glint overtook Adam’s eyes and she realized her calm façade must have crumbled. “Oh yes. _Him._ ” He took a step forward, entirely invading her personal space. “You know, you’re a bit confusing,” he whined. “After you rejected him, and the way you rejected that prat Potter all year last year, I assumed you were into nice guys.” He yanked on her hair, stopping her from looking away. “But then, surprise, surprise, you’re not consistent!” The more he talked, the more deranged he sounded. “In true fashion for females, you fell for a fucking jerk.” His grip on her scalp tightened. “Are you a fucking idiot, Lily?” He forced her head up and down, then did that damn voice again. “Yes, I am! I’m the dumbest girl in the world!”

Lily couldn’t take another second of him — she spat right in his face. And he backhanded her.

“ **Don’t** do that again, Mudblood!” he roared. “You’re lucky I don’t just _Imperio_ you right here!”

“Do it,” she taunted, eyes blazing. She knew the provocation held little bite considering she was now fully immune to the curse, but at the end of the day, it didn’t matter, because she’d finally figured Adam out. She let out a cruel chuckle. “You can’t, can you?” A vein in his temple throbbed. Everything was falling into place. “You’ve tried before… before every game Dorcas goes to the kitchens because she wants peace and quiet… you ambushed her.” Adam smirked, clearly pleased with himself. “But you failed. It went wrong and wiped her memory instead.” _Because you weren’t strong enough to wield such magic, you bastard._

“Lucky me.”

“Where’d you hide her?” Lily stared at him grotesquely.

“Easy. The Slytherin corridor has a Vanishing Cabinet. It was a Slytherin game, so I knew everyone would just blame them. You lot are so very prejudiced…”

_And that’s why he was late to meeting up with me._ She snorted. “Right. How dumb of us to assume a Hufflepuff would have a shred of loyalty.“

He tapped her forehead condescendingly. “I do have loyalty, Lily.” He leaned into her ear. “Just not to you.”

_Don’t bash his head in… keep him talking… keep him talking._ “Did you kill your family?”

The dramatic pause he took, savoring the moment and her horrified expression lasted a lifetime. Then he smiled, his icy blue eyes lighting up. “Yes.” Lily gasped; she couldn’t help it. Adam pushed up his left sleeve, holding up his forearm to her and pushing the Dark Mark against her cheek. It _burned._ “All because my dumb jock brother saw this. I knew he and my parents wouldn’t understand. The timing was perfect though, actually. Some of the older Death Eaters had just failed at capturing you, and the Dark Lord was furious. So I knew all I had to do to prove myself was get him you… and I knew only I could do that. You see.” He took another theatrical pause. “ _I’m_ his secret weapon.” He looked up to the sky as though telling her he was a god. “Only the Dark Lord and Jennifer know where my loyalties lie. So I was **perfect** for bringing you in. All I had to do,” he swiped the tip of her nose with every word, “was gain your trust.”

Lily shot him daggers with her gaze.

He laughed. “And like I said. It wasn’t even hard.”

Her voice shook. “You _killed_ your family!”

“No, Lily. I’m about to _gain_ a true family. My parents never gave a _shit_ about me. Not really. I was their disappointment of a son.”

“Yeah! Maybe because you’re a fucking nut job!” Lily couldn’t help herself — it had to be said.

Adam got right back in her face, almost foaming at the mouth. “ _Watch it_.” He put on another smile as though nothing had happened and Lily’s skin crawled at the instant switch. “Besides, I knew you were an orphan too and that I was about to lose you to Potter completely, so I had to act fast. I knew you’d come running if I asked. Dumb Gryffindors with their hero complexes,” he muttered the last bit.

Lily saw absolute, blood red: if there was one thing that royally pissed her off, it was when people took advantage of others’ kindness. _I can’t wait till he and his micro-dick rot in the deepest pits of hell._

“Course when I asked you to get drunk with me, I thought maybe you’d be fucking **_polite_** and offer that damn bottle I got you, but _no,_ selfish bitch that you are wanted to drink mine instead.”

Lily’s brows creased. “What bottle?”

“Your fucking Christmas present, Lily! The Firewhiskey?! Ring any bells? I figured since you were already sneaking bottles into class, you'd drink it a lot sooner.” _Holy shit, he_ _had_ _gifted her alcohol._ She’d immediately gotten so wrapped up in James — and all his gifts and talents — that she’d forgotten all about anyone else entirely. He reacted to the dawning realization on her face. “There it is.”

“I never drank it.”

“Yeah you did. And apparently so did all the other girls in your room.” _Brianna! She wasn’t worried about being roofied because it was never her bottle! She stole it from me! Fucking_ ** _bitch_** _._ “Thank Merlin for that. You had no clue I was the one who drugged it. I almost got you out that night too, but those fucking Levine twins…” Lily had no idea what part Rebecca and Robby had played in fucking up Adam’s plans that night, but she knew she owed them a hell of a lot more than a fruit basket. “Not that it matters. You’re here now.”

“You won’t get away with this,” she whispered vehemently. “People will notice I’m gone.”

Adam tilted his head as he played with the ends of her hair. It was killing her that she couldn’t slap his hand away. “Will they?”

“Yes,” she growled.

“I wouldn’t be so sure. You see Bella — of course you remember Bellatrix Black — the Dark Lord says she’s just been itching to come back to Hogwarts to wreck havoc. And you’re going to give her that chance.”

Lily’s eyes oscillated between his. “I don’t follow.”

“Of course you don’t.” He tugged down on a lock, hard, making Lily yelp. “We’ve made Polyjuice from the hair I extracted from your scarf… in fact I think the Dark Lord had your dear old pal Severus brew it. He had no idea who it was for of course, but how many people have hair as beautiful as yours, huh?” He was now full on stroking her.

“People will know it’s not me. _James_ will know—”

“James, James, James,” Adam sang-mocked back to her face. “Your precious _James_ won’t care about your dirty little snatch after Bellatrix is done throwing it around. Quite promiscuous of a little thing, wasn’t she? And isn’t Potter the jealous type? Doubt he’ll have much patience when he realizes he’s not the only one she’s — oh, I’m sorry — _you’re_ with.” His gaze dropped to her mouth as he traced her lips. “But it’s okay. I’m sure you’re about to have bigger problems than Bellatrix fucking your man.”

Lily bit his finger to the bone.

“ ** _FUCK_** _, YOU BITCH!_ ” Blood smeared across her face as he backhanded her again, but Lily barely noticed. She was now facing towards Hogwarts and saw a figure sprinting towards her.

“JAMES!” she called out, love and relief washing over her. She knew she could count on him, _he’s always been there._

“LILY!” he screamed back, his legs pumping impossibly fast.

“Shit!” Adam cried out, whipping his wand towards Lily and making her feet fly upwards so she was floating horizontally behind him as he ran towards the edge of the forest — where he could Apparate them away.

Lily fought with everything she had against Adam’s full-body bind, feeling its strength waining as his panic and exertion grew. Adam was clearly not an athlete like James was and the gap between them was shrinking. Lily watched her messy-haired boyfriend upside-down as her head jostled along, willing herself to reach out to him, trying to make it just a little bit easier for him to thwart her kidnapping. Her left arm flew out in front of her.

“James, _please_!” she near sobbed, fingers stretching to him. James’ hand reached for her, five meters away, four, three, she could see the desperation in his eyes as he lunged, almost there—

But then she felt Adam's grip on her ankle and a hook underneath her navel as she spun away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Rut roh…. Adam's evil! O.o Sorry if you liked him! I wanted to touch on the fact that women's intuition is often SO RIGHT, but we can be bogged down by things like "being polite." Lily has had off feelings about Adam, but she wanted to be a good friend. (Just like with Snape.)
> 
> A look back at their interactions and HINTS (in case you don't want to go reread them!)
> 
> He was the one who approached Lily first, never felt good enough for his family and wanted to prove his worth, reaaaaal bitter about being a Hufflepuff, implied Hat would sort him differently if he were to wear it now, mentioned none of the other Hufflepuffs 'had his back,' asked her to be Potions partners, Snape warned her cuz creeps know creeps (ha), saw Thestrals as Voldemort had him kill someone to prove loyalty, momentarily shocked she's invited to Slughorn party (as a Mudblood), he was shocked Avery attacked her because he knew his Dark Lord wanted her in one piece and Avery was putting his own mission in danger, in that same library scene — Lily is watching a gnat get lured into a spiderweb…. she thinks it's James', but it's actually ADAM's! Also hints in library that Lily IS A TERRIBLE JUDGE OF CHARACTER lol, "stuff like this doesn't even need to be discussed because it's just obvious"... I didn't say in what way ;) Lily couldn't imagine Adam hurting a fly, "Who says I'm rooting for your team?", Adam is late to game... someone goes missing in the basement... he's ecstatic when Dorcas comes back with no memory, another Hufflepuff points at Adam when screaming "a rat!" in the chapter titled She Doesn't Know :) He's super cool about her romantic rejection because he was never actually into her, just trying to get close and now realizes he has to come at it from another angle… He only cried about his family when Lily first approached him because he had time/privacy to perform a crying spell, he kept trying to get Lily to come with him to 'their' spot (which is close to the forest where he could Apparate them) but got pissed when Aurors were always around, almost slipped up and said his family was just as anti-th(e Dark Lord...), when he was drunk and she didn't like his vibe, his true colors were coming out, the line: "Adam scratched the back of his neck. 'Had a little too much to drink?' he supplied." (Okay, so that one's a stretch, BUT I LIKE IT)


	33. I Fucked Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, whoops, James POV will most likely be 4 chapters, not 3. Enjoy ;)

**_5th Year_ ** ****

“Evans is staring at you again…” Sirius groaned next to him in Transfiguration class, looking bored out of his mind. “I swear, that girl—“

“Stop it, Pads. You’ve been awfully PMS-y lately,” Remus cut him off sternly.

“Was she really?” James asked, his hand flying to his hair automatically. “Is she still?” He directed the question to Remus, already knowing Sirius would be rolling his eyes and of no use to him now.

“No…” Remus answered casually. “She’s saying something to Mary.”

“ _Ugh_. She looks so fucking gorgeous today.”

Remus shifted awkwardly. “Yeah, she looks nice.”

“Oh, come off it. She looks the same as always considering she’s wearing her school uniform, _the same as always,_ ” Sirius grumbled.

James ignored him and chanced a glance in her direction, only to catch her already looking at him. She turned bright red and flinched away — and he _loved_ it. He absolutely adored that he had this effect on her, that something as simple as his eye contact could produce as strong of a reaction from her body like this. He watched her rosy cheeks enthralled. _I did that,_ he thought proudly. It was almost like the first time he’d used his wand to do… well, anything. He’d cast a spell and seen magic. _Just like now._ The power he was wielding in this moment was positively intoxicating. He found it hard to look away — wanting nothing more than for her to look back at him to see if he could coax out a fresh blush.

It was crazy really. The girl who he’d been crushing on for four years now — the girl who had given him his first sexual boner, in dreams and in reality, inside of class and out (but always through fantasy) — now seemed to fancy him back. James didn’t know what he’d done in his past life to deserve this one, but he wasn’t going to question it too thoroughly.

James knew he wasn’t exactly ‘normal.’ He knew that while Padfoot and Wormtail ran through crushes like it was trash day, and Remus never seemed to admit to fancying anyone (citing he’d never get to date them anyway, due to, you know, _stuff_ ), he himself stayed consistent. It had started off as one of his many fun quirks that made him who he was, but now he was starting to see it may just have been imprinted into his very DNA. It turned out his dad was just the same — falling in love only once and dedicating his whole life to that woman and, basically, doing anything she asked of him. Put bluntly: his dad was _whipped._ But James loved his parents’ relationship. He didn’t care that it wasn’t the norm in the 70s for the woman to run the family ship, but it made sense to them — his dad’s head was always in the clouds and he needed a strong woman to tell him which way was down. His mum had grounded him, focused him. James could relate, and fucking _hell_ was Lily strong.

It had never bothered him that he had hopelessly decided who he was going to love for the rest of his life at the tender age of 11, until his mum got sick. He’d wanted to scream at his dad. He’d wanted to forge his mum’s paperwork, knock her out, and send her to the oncology healers himself, telling them to do everything. But his dad had explained to him, ‘Love is sacrifice. Love is listening and compromising. And sometimes love is letting go.’

It was utter balderdash of course. James knew there had been absolutely no compromise — his dad had done exactly what his mum had wanted him to do, just like he always did. The things that were being sacrificed were his dad’s and his own hearts.

James stopped thinking his dad was his hero after that. He hated himself for thinking it, but he now saw him as weak. _A lovesick fool._ And yeah, James was angry. After all, he _should_ still have a mother, and he missed her so much.

To James, love was making sure the one’s you loved were safe. _Alive._ Love was doing everything you could do to save them. Love was _never_ letting go. James had vowed he’d never turn into his dad after he had let his mum pass away. He vowed he would never become a shell of a man pining away over something he could have prevented. He’d die before he let that happen.

James didn’t like dwelling on his mother’s death. It hurt too much.

☆☆☆

Lily Evans was driving him insane. _Is she growing? Or are her skirts shrinking?_ She’d always been beautiful, even if a little gangly, _but fucking holy mother of Merlin_ , could her tits maybe take a breather? _Can they even breathe?!_ That shirt looked far too constrictive, and he felt duty-bound to help them out, maybe free them from last year’s shirt which she had _no business_ trying to wear again this year. Couldn’t she tell her buttons were about to fly off, ricochet right into his head and ( _hopefully_ ) put him out of his misery?

_Fuck. Don’t stare, you creep._

He felt embarrassed, but not nearly as much as he probably should have. You see, he’d noticed something interesting these past few weeks: she felt it too. All these crazed, hormonal shifts and yearnings, begging them to just give in to each other’s bodies already — _she was feeling them as well._ He couldn’t pinpoint exactly how he was so sure — other than by describing the way the air between them cracked nowadays like they’d created their own electric current, threatening to zap and fry anything that tried to get in their way. She probably didn’t feel it as strongly as he did, _that would be impossible,_ but he saw _something_ in her eyes. There was a heat in them that hadn’t burned there in their previous year of friendship.

 _Their friendship._ Now **there** was an actual miracle.

James had very much come to Hogwarts as a child convinced he would never be able to be friends with a girl (because _yuck_ ), let alone with one that he begrudgingly had to admit was very, very pretty. So he’d been able to keep his budding feelings concealed with being a bit of a bully to her, pointing out her disproportionately large eyes and inability to ride a broom. And putting her down had worked for a few weeks — until it backfired completely. It turned out Lily was not one to take teasing lying down. Before he knew it, she was sassing him back twice as hard as he was dishing it out, and it almost became a game to both of them. And **_fuck_** did he like games.

He didn’t think he’d ever forget the moment in second year when he’d stolen her seat while she was at the board (he’d always been oh-so-mature) and she’d declared that if he didn’t move immediately, she’d sit on him. It had been an unbearably hot day right before summer holiday and she’d been in her short skirt and he’d become possessed with the confidence of a newly-minted teenager. ‘Fine,’ he’d said. She’d glared at him determinedly, clearly pondering which meant more to her: her word or her dignity. He was so, _so_ thankful it was the former. She’d only been perched on his lap for maybe ten seconds to prove a point, but it was _definitely_ the best ten seconds of his naive life up until that point and the first time he’d popped a boner in the middle of class. Sirius teased him over how red his face had turned for _weeks._ (But his dream girl had sat on him, so fuck it: he could easily deal with the jibes.)

James had learned to respect his opponent at that point and switched gears to trying to best her academically. That failed spectacularly because the girl was a bloody genius — _of course._

And despite all this — his antagonizing, his ridiculing of her oldest friendship, his constant badgering — when he’d needed help, she’d offered it without question. She’d noticed he was struggling in class with his mum sick and approached _him_ to give tutoring. She must have known he’d be too proud to ask for help himself. And had she rubbed it in his face like he might have done? _Nope_. She was all bright smiles and patient explanations. Because at the end of the day — even though she was cheeky and hot-tempered and had one of the foulest mouths he’d ever encountered — she was so unbelievably kind _._ She’d seen his pain and despite the fact that he was a prat, lightened his load. Wanting nothing in return.

And well, how could you _not_ want to become friends with someone like that? _Even when you’re secretly already in love with her._ And James figured if he could accomplish this — if he could make Lily friggin’ Evans into his friend — there was really nothing he couldn’t do. _I mean, I know I’m a good-looking bloke_. Her finding him fit was cake compared to her no longer thinking he was a wanker.

 _All you have to do is ask her out. Just ask her out, you buffoon!_ He’d give himself daily pep talks, hoping one of them would actually stick. _It’s not like it matters_ _that_ _much. It’s only the first date with the love of your soddening life._ Upon further reflection, James decided next week was a much better time to schedule working up the nerve.

☆☆☆

One day, after Lily’s best friend, Mary, had _heavily_ hinted that he should ask her out, and her stupid friend Snivellus had harassed her, James found himself sitting next to Lily in Charms. He loved being up close and personal while she was in her element. He loved a woman who could kick ass and take names. Okay, he’d only ever loved her — but she could kick ass and take names. Flitwick absolutely _adored_ her, and it was obvious to see why: she just plain rocked at everything she did. He’d almost asked her to Hogsmeade right then and there on a note, but last minute, he’d chickened out. She deserved better than a parchment scribble invitation. She deserved the moon, or at the very least a however many-strings-was-a-good-amount-of-string quartet. So he drew her a Snitch instead.

When she animated it, he was able to tell her just how incredible she was. Even though she took his confession as a joke, he felt the strain in his heart lessen just a little bit. He’d be able to delay its inevitable burst for now.

He started playing with a Snitch shortly after, because it reminded him of her now. _It can be our thing._ She was his special, only once-in-a-game, catch. _Oh, I should write that down,_ he thought, absolutely besotted.

☆☆☆

They were so close to fully mastering being Animagi now, it was insane. True, it was only Peter still struggling to shift reliably, but they were _close._ They weren’t going to risk everyone accompanying Remus during a transformation until they all felt confident with it. If Peter panicked and couldn’t turn when faced with Remus in his wolf form… well. Then he’d have two friends with furry little problems, _in the best case scenario._

James felt guilty that it was taking them this long to _finally_ be able to help Remus through his monthly transformations. So when Remus had owled him over the summer, mentioning how he’d been offered the position of Gryffindor prefect and how he wasn’t sure if he should take it considering how his attendance might be spotty, James had jumped at the chance to help him out. He’d written back (after a hardy amount of, ‘congratulations, you great big nerd’) to say that he should definitely accept the role and that he could just fill in for rounds whenever he felt sick. James was so glad he’d offered _before_ he knew Lily was the other prefect — otherwise his intentions would have been far less noble. As it were, he felt like the universe was rewarding his selflessness by giving him a gift — time alone with Lily wandering the halls. _(Did I mention_ _alone_ _?)_

One such magical patrol in October proved to be extra special. It had started off normally enough, with Lily teasing him not to dock points ( _like I’d ever get a kick out of that_ ), but then she’d actually thought that he was asking about Mary’s romantic leanings for himself! The idea was so preposterous that he might have laughed were it not for the crushed look on her face. He’d do _anything_ to make that look go away. The adrenaline in his stomach proved to be the push he needed to jump into action. He _finally_ asked her out.

_And she said yes!_

Truly, nothing could ever ruin this moment for him. Feeling on top of the world, he’d grabbed her hand, probably far too forcefully, but he just couldn’t help it: he, James Potter was going to take out Lily friggin’ Evans. He could die happy.

_Not too shabby for a 15 year old who only just grew taller than her._

☆☆☆

“You really like her, don’t you?” Remus said seriously, sitting in his bed, watching a very frazzled James dump all his clothes onto his own.

He’d been a nervous mess all morning, but who could blame him? He was going on his first date. ( _With Lily!!!_ ) “What gave it away?” he grumbled mockingly, upset that the perfect shirt hadn’t magicked itself into existence before him in the past five minutes.

“I thought maybe it would be a phase.”

James’ face shot up at Remus’ words. “Moony, a _phase?_ What about talking about her as much as I have over the past few years screamed ‘ _phase’?_ ”

Remus blushed a little bit. “I don’t know. I thought maybe it was like a fun game of chase? And once you got her, you might not like her anymore?”

James snorted. “Jeez, I know I can be a dick, but I’m not _that_ much of a dick.” He resumed his frantic rummaging.

Sirius sat in his bed, completely unamused, eyes straying from one friend to the other.

☆☆☆

Finally having settled on a blue long-sleeved shirt (he refused to tell the boys it was because he knew that blue was Lily’s favorite color), he bid them adieu and went to wait for Lily in the common room. He was already pretty over Sirius’ complaints that this would be their first Hogsmeade visit apart. (James gathered he wasn’t taking the upcoming few hours of separation well at all.)

When he saw her come down the stairs… he blanked. Somehow her eyes looked even more emerald than usual and she was just **glowing** _. Play it cool, Potter. Play it cool._

He thought he did all right, all things considered. Every time she laughed at one of his jokes, he swore he was flying, and every little shove of his arm or bumping of their shoulders showed him she just wanted to touch him as much as he wanted to touch her. He was probably smiling like a complete asshole when she _swore_ there was a leaf in his hair that she was trying to get for him.

“You know, Evans, if you want to play with my hair, you could just ask,” he teased.

“Good to know.” She winked and walked away ahead of him. _Crap._ He was in so much trouble.

Then they were on the Quidditch pitch — his girl and his sport — after she’d promised him she’d come to one of his games. She had no right to look so cute in her yellow sweater and pompom hat. _Since when do I think of hats as being_ ** _cute?!_** _It’s a friggin’ hat with a plushie on the end for Merlin’s sake!_ She kept looking at his lips and he had a stunning realization: _Lily Evans wants me to kiss her. In what world…_

And it was perfect. She looked happy afterwards, so he couldn’t have been the worst kisser. _James Potter shoots, he scores!_ he announced giddily in his head.

☆☆☆

It went to shit when he got back to his room. Almost immediately after he’d sat on his bed, Sirius launched into a full-blown rant, catching James, in his happy little lovesick stupor, completely off guard.

“Padfoot, stop it,” Remus tried to interject while James looked like a deer caught in headlights.

“I don’t get it… since when don’t you like Evans?” James asked utterly confused.

“That’s the thing! _Of course,_ you don’t get it, Prongs! You lose your mind around that girl! You become this totally different person.”

“That’s not—”

“What, true? Are you kidding me?” Sirius seemed unnecessarily riled up. “Everyone thinks so! You should have heard the girls talking at the bar—”

“I don’t care—”

“— they said you’re _whipped,_ and they’re right!”

James ruffled his hair, frustrated as hell. “Where is this coming from, Pads? I just had an amazing date with a girl I’ve liked for _ages—_ ”

“Moony fancies her too,” Sirius blurted out. Now Remus was the one who looked shellshocked.

James turned to Remus. “Is that true?” **_Fuck._**

“No,” he responded firmly giving Sirius a death glare, before turning to James. “I don’t. And I’m very happy for you.” He got to his feet with a big sigh. “Now leave me out of it. I’m taking a shower.”

As soon as the door snapped shut, Sirius looked back to James. “You know he’s lying. Is a girl really worth splitting up this friend group for?”

James took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. Moony had _not_ seemed convincing in his denial **at all** just now. _What the fuck?!_ _When did this happen? Sodding prefects meetings? How? Actually, that’s a dumb question, how can someone_ not _fall for her is a better question. But I digress._ ** _Why?!_** James panicked. He’d thought he’d always been quite obvious about his feelings towards Lily. How was one of his best mates going to go and fall for her too? I mean, he understood that dibs didn’t apply to people, but _come on_ _._ Was he a dick friend for being sort of pissed about this? Remus had seemed like he didn’t _want_ to like her though… maybe he knew it was stupid himself and he just couldn’t help it? If that was the case, that was definitely a feeling that James could relate to.

James let out a huge defeated sigh. “Why are you doing this, Padfoot?”

“Telling you was the right thing to do for the Marauders,” he replied adamantly.

“You heard him yourself: he said he’s happy for me.”

“Bollocks! You know Moony is a self-sacrificing shit! He wouldn’t tell you if something was killing him. Um, _hello_ , the whole werewolf thing?”

James’ temper started to flair. “That’s not my fault, Pads! He knows I’m crazy into Lily—”

“Emphasis on crazy,” Sirius mumbled.

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” James near shouted.

“Prongs. This past year you’ve been telling me nonstop how you don’t want to turn into your father, ‘I don’t want to turn into my father.’ You don’t want to be a man who’s so ruled by love that he’d crack, all but abandoning his own son like you feel like he’s done to you, and guess what??”

“Don’t you dare—“ James snarled.

“You’re on track to be _even_ worse! At least your dad was, what? In his 30s when he lost his head over your mum? You’re **15** for fuck’s sake! You’re 15 years old and you probably already think you’re in love.”

 _I don’t think, I_ _know_ _._ James was torn between being mad that Sirius thought he knew him so well and being scared because he was right. “So?”

“ _So_?! I _know_ you, Prongs. You get obsessive. You start dating this chick now — _she will destroy you.”_

 _Does Sirius have a point?_ He stared at his best friend, _his brother._ He’d never led him astray before, why would he suddenly start now? They’d always had each other’s backs. It was just a given. James hadn’t thought about it till this moment, but would he be able to date someone without Sirius’ approval? I mean, obviously he _could_ , but it sounded like a truly horrendous experience.

The pause in their fight had let some of the tension dissipate from the room. Sirius continued more gently, “I’m looking out for you mate. This girl barely had to do anything and she’s already got you wrapped around her finger.”

“Do you really think it’s that bad?” James grimaced.

“Honestly? Yeah, kinda. I could see her telling you to jump, and you’d beg her to tell you how high.” James snorted. _Weren’t boyfriends supposed to make their girlfriends happy? If Lily told me to jump, she’d probably have a perfectly logical reason to ask and, you know what? It wasn’t like jumping hurt him in the slightest, so really, why_ not _make her happy and…_ ** _fuck._** “I know it sucks, and you really don’t want to hear it, but someone’s always gotta love the other one more in a relationship… and with Lily, it will always be you.”

James felt like he’d been punched in the gut. And then fallen off his broom from a thousand meters up. “I think she likes me though,” he replied stubbornly.

Sirius pushed his hair out of his eyes. “Oh, no doubt. But I think you’re already in **love** with her. That’s not exactly an equal playing field.”

“So what do you suggest I do?”

Sirius pondered this. “You’d grovel for her right?”

James let out a dry chuckle. “I feel like I already have.”

“All right, well, let’s see if she’d do the same for you.”

James looked at him skeptically. “What do you mean?”

“Play it cool. Back off a bit. See what she does. If she likes you, she’ll fight for you, right? If she goes off and dates someone else,” James twitched involuntarily, “then you know, and she won’t break your heart. Easy.”

Nothing had ever sounded less easy in his life. “So you’re telling me I should just ignore her?”

“No! I mean, maybe? I don’t know,” Sirius said. “Just be careful, man. That’s all I’m saying. I don’t want to watch history repeat itself with the next generation, is all. I think you asked her out too soon. If she’s as special as you say she is, dating her can wait. We’re young! We’re supposed to be having fun and fucking shit up. Not settling down already, you know?” James begrudgingly nodded. He _did_ feel far too young to be embarking in something quite this serious… Lily was his forever. Should he have started forever now? “Besides, I feel like you’re still getting over your mum. I don’t think you’re in the right headspace to be dating right now. What’s so wrong about just being her friend for a little longer, anyway?”

James pondered this. He loved having Lily as his friend. “Nothing.” _I just always want to kiss her… and do… other stuff to her._

“Well, there you go. What’s the rush? We have our whole lives to be tied down, Prongs. And it’s not like she’s going anywhere. We all live in the same sodding castle.” Sirius said, flopping back fully onto his bed.

James’ mind was reeling. Suddenly his date was starting to look less like the best time of his life and more like a display of his own pitifulness. _I am far too young to be this sure about someone… aren’t I? Why_ ** _am_** _I so obsessive? I don’t wanna be…_

☆☆☆

The next day was an unmitigated disaster. James had stayed up all night thinking about what Sirius had said. Some stuff was absolute shite — he didn’t _need_ Lily to grovel for him — but the rest was spot on. He wasn’t in the right headspace to be dating anyone. Doing so now would only be doing them both a disservice. And Lily deserved better than some fuck up, she deserved the universe in a silver frame.

But he chickened out and asked Remus to tell her for him. Remus was always just such a reassuring presence and they were friends and… yeah. He was a coward. He couldn’t see the hurt look on her face if the news made her sad.

Lily confronted him shortly after — like the strong, beautiful, powerful witch that she was — and somehow it was even worse than a dumpster fire rolling over a litter of kittens on its way to hell.

She looked like she was going to cry. James couldn’t stand it when girls cried, but **_Lily_** almost doing so broke his heart even worse. For a brief second, he wondered what on earth he was even doing trying to stop what was going on between them. He threw out how he still wanted to be friends in a moment of genuine desperation and she shot it down so fast that he nearly got on his hands and knees in his own room to win her back. _No. You’re_ _not_ _whipped._

He let her run away. He still saw the hurt look in her eye sometimes when he couldn’t fall asleep though. It was like his offer of friendship was the most insulting thing she’d ever heard in her whole life.

It only took James a week to realize he’d _royally_ fucked up. The farther away from Sirius’ talk it got, the less everything made any sense. Sirius was obviously his brother, but siblings were allowed to have their own lives and opinions, weren’t they? And who was _he_ to decide that James was destined to make his father’s mistakes? It wasn’t like it was a _crime_ to love a woman too much. He’d just have to rein in the devotion. Surely he could do that. It was Lily Evans, he could do anything for her. _Damn it._

It didn’t help that she’d started psychologically torturing him. She had **definitely** caught on to his obsession with her clothing because she was going out of her way to make it even sexier now. The number of times he’d had to go to his room or an abandoned bathroom for a wank between classes was becoming unmanageable. He was pretty sure she was going to give him a rug-burn if she kept it up. (And she was most certainly keeping it up.)

So he groveled. And he asked her out, over and over, trying to show her that he meant it when he said, no **screamed** : ‘ _I. Fucked. Up._ ’ How ironic was it that Sirius pointing out that he was about to become pathetic had somehow pushed him into being even more so?

☆☆☆

Then everything changed: Lily wasn’t a virgin.

He knew it wasn’t right, _oh if my mother could see me now, she’d be so ashamed,_ but he couldn’t help it: _what the actual fuck?!_

This whole time he’d been making a complete ass of himself for a girl he thought was his soulmate, and she hadn’t even been able to wait for him. The dumb caveman side of him was furious. Who the **_fuck_** was this guy? Had _he_ watched her conjure up her first teacup? Had he memorized the way she bit her lip when she was fighting back from saying a swear word in the middle of class? Did he know the way her eyes glowed when she saw her favorite food laid out in the Great Hall?

 _No_. So how the fuck had he deserved having her?

James knew he wasn’t _owed_ sex. That was archaic and he wasn’t an asshole. What hurt was knowing that he’d felt the way he did… and she didn’t. Because that summer, he’d been high on their newfound meaningful interactions and only been dreaming about her. The lead Chaser of the Holyhead Harpies could have propositioned him, in full Quidditch gear even, and he would have told her, _no thanks_ , I have a girl already.

And she… had fucked a guy. Like he didn’t even exist.

Sirius was right. He truly was pathetic.

That wasn’t even the only surprise to come out of Sirius’ birthday party… Mary, her best friend, dared Remus, one of _his_ best friends, to kiss Lily. _WHAT THE FUCK!_ At best, that meant his crush’s best friend hated him and wanted to psychologically torture him as well, which, _awesome,_ as if Lily’s daily form-fitting fashion shows weren’t enough to test him. At worst… it meant that Lily fancied Remus and her bestie was trying to help her by making it happen. **_Fuuuuuuck._** ****

The only good thing that happened that night was he was pretty sure Brianna was into him and it seemed to be making Lily jealous. He couldn’t lie, seeing Lily like that stirred a beast within himself that he hadn’t been aware existed before. It was a different feeling… one he could get used to, even if he should probably not admit that to anyone.

Either way, it turned out Brianna was actually pretty hot. _Maybe you should take your Lily blinders off some Merlin-forsaken time._

☆☆☆

She gave him a black eye. He assumed she hadn’t meant to, hell, he wasn’t even sure if she was aware that she had, but still. She’d given him a black eye.

James had no idea what the fuck was going on when he ambled into the Entrance Hall with Remus ready to get some lunch. All he knew was that Lily was _attacking_ a group of Slytherins with her bare hands and he needed to get her out of there — fast. He pulled Lily off of Mulciber while Remus deflected some of the other boys’ spells. She was screaming, oh was she screaming, and suddenly it was being directed at him and her elbow swung back and hit him square in the glasses.

He’d defended her when they were called to McGonagall’s office, but it was a lot to deal with.

He wished she would tell him what the fuck was going on.

☆☆☆

Mary had been raped. Piece of shit Mulciber had cursed and raped Lily’s best friend. A terrible feeling of relief spread through him that it hadn’t been _her_ when he found out, immediately followed by shame. Even if it wasn’t her, no wonder she wanted Mulciber dead. He would have done the same — if not worse — if someone had come for Sirius like that.

And _Sirius…_ he was now an absolute wreck. Clearly, his crush on Mary had been a little more developed than he’d let on. He was coping by hitting the bottle a little too hard. James tried to be there for him, but he had no idea what he was going through. Also, it was rather hard to comfort someone who was hellbent on blaming your girl for all his current problems. James couldn’t understand it, but Sirius was going _hard_ against Evans, convinced somehow it was all her fault for not stopping Mary from leaving the dorm that night. James obviously thought this reasoning was bullshit, but Sirius was in such a fragile state already (and James was considered such a biased party), that he tried to keep his mouth shut and just listen.

Then the worst moment of James’ life happened: Sirius went too far. He knew Pads was suffering and wanted to lash out and punish the Slytherins for what they’d done, but _fuck,_ he guessed he’d underestimated just how much pain he was dealing with. _But how could he?! Didn’t he know what this would do to Moony? Obviously Snape is a little shit and deserves to be taught a lesson about sticking his ugly-ass nose where it doesn’t belong, but using_ _Remus_ _?!_ James had no idea that Sirius could be so cruel, so **rash**.

Suddenly James was overcome with even more shame. _I’m his brother._ _I’m_ _supposed to be there for him, make sure he doesn’t fuck up like this._ But he’d been distracted; he’d been **obsessed** elsewhere. James felt like a complete failure. He wasn’t able to be there for Lily in her time of need, but like hell if he wasn’t going to be there for Sirius. His brother _needed_ him. It took him a week to get over it, and Merlin only knew how Remus could forgive him for nearly making him into an unwilling murderer, but he vowed he would never let Sirius stray this far again. After all, he hadn’t been raised with the same compassion that James had been. He’d had nothing but abusive, bigoted parents as his examples for the first decade of his life.

Sirius was better than this. And James was going to help him. That had to be his priority now.

☆☆☆

Brianna was super into him, and James had to admit, it was nice to be the one being chased for once. It was easy with her, simple. Sure, her flirting was a bit heavy-handed and her overt grabs on his biceps in class were a lot, but he’d be lying if he said the attention didn’t feel nice. Lily hadn’t even looked at him in days, or talked to him in weeks. He hated how much he missed the twinkle in her eyes when he told a good joke, or the blush that crept over her cheeks when she could tell _exactly_ what he was thinking about when he saw her. He wanted to know how she was holding up, if there was anything he could do to help her, but he knew he’d lost that right. They weren’t even friends anymore.

Right, but _Brianna._ Why not give that a go? She was hot. She was willing.

“James! You’re so baaaad,” Brianna wailed as she tugged on his hand. She had suggested they take a walk around Hogwarts late at night and James figured he had nothing better to do anyway. Apparently not caring that they were about to break curfew made him very ‘baaaad.’

“Well, we can go back if you’d like?” he replied.

She gave him a sly smirk. “I have a better idea,” she said, pulling him into a broom closet.

“Oh, this is… better?”

She gave a giggle. He wished she wouldn’t. Her voice was all right, but he found her laugh quite grating. _Stop it, you’re being unfair. Give the girl a chance._ “Now we finally have some privacy, James.” Her voice had taken a seductive tone.

 _Huh. This is true._ With her living with six other girls ( _including Evans_ ) and him having the ever co-dependent Marauders, they really didn’t get that much time to themselves. He hadn’t really noticed it before. “Brilliant.” The closet was cramped and smelled a bit moldy, but he didn’t mind. It was dark and his thoughts could wander while he kissed her. He could easily imagine red hair and flushed cheeks.

But then she reached for his belt, and James froze. They’d been fooling around for a while now, and she’d told him how she had some experience in the area, but somehow this hadn’t translated in his mind to ‘ _I_ _can get experience in this area.’_ I mean, he wanted to have sex, didn’t he? He was horny all the damn time… And yeah, it would be nice to know what he was doing for future reference. Lily probably wouldn't want to fuck a virgin now that she wasn't one. He’d just never imagined he’d loose his virginity in a _closet_. Then again, this also wasn’t who he’d dreamed he’d loose it too either.

And so they shagged. James was pretty clumsy, and Brianna was surprisingly patient with him as he fumbled through the moves, but he figured it out eventually.

Sex turned out to be pretty great actually, and James was excited to do it again. Brianna and him started doing it more regularly, always around the castle, and in dark broom cupboards if James could help it. He thought he was getting quite good at it too. Brianna seemed satisfied by all accounts, or at least that’s what she told him afterwards. He wished she’d make some noise during the act, but she was painfully quiet. It made him a little self-conscious whenever _he’d_ moan. However, once she told him that he was the best lay she’d ever had, James’ heart swelled with pride.

And yeah, sometimes he imagined Brianna was Lily. Sometimes he turned her around to do her from behind or he’d shut his eyes as he came and imagined he was coming inside of his dream girl. _But… fantasies are normal right?_ He’d thought he read that somewhere. Either way, he was doing it.

And it worked out for a while… Brianna expected very little from him, only a public make-out here and there and the occasional company at the rival houses’ Quidditch games. (He tried not to dwell on the fact that Lily had broken her promise and never did make it to one of his games.) They also never had sex in a bed, meaning they never had to cuddle afterwards, which James appreciated. For some reason, after every time he came, he just got this overwhelming urge to be alone. He wondered if that was normal too.

But then one day it _didn’t_ work out anymore. Brianna had been talking about some drama that was going on between her and Lisa because Lisa had borrowed her lip gloss without asking, ‘And that’s just unhygienic,’ and James dragged Brianna into a closet so he could kiss her instead. It was a win-win really, because Brianna loved it when he took charge, and James loved it when he didn’t have to hear things he really didn’t give a shite about. He spun her around and had her up against a wall, going to town under her skirt. He couldn’t help it, but Lily had just looked so sad in class that day, and he couldn’t stop worrying about her. Was she sleeping? Was she eating? Why the fuck was he thinking about another girl’s friggin’ diet while he was balls deep inside another woman? He pounded away harder, his hand clutching at her hair, willing himself to focus on the task at hand. James knew _he’d_ never come this way, distracted as he was. He was being overly aggressive, and he should probably just cut his losses and call it a night, but that would be like admitting he had a problem. _And I don’t. I’m sure this is all perfectly normal._

So he did what he always did when he couldn’t quite make it. He pictured Lily. It was Lily’s red hair he was pulling on, Lily’s skin his balls were smacking against, Lily moaning for him (this one took imagination), begging him to come for her.

At first he didn’t realize what had happened, still recovering from an amazing orgasm in this dank closet. But then he noticed that Lily, _nope, Brianna,_ was stiff as a board beneath him. He pulled himself out and cleaned up the mess.

“What did you just say?” Her voice was pure ice.

James swallowed. _What did I say?_ He wasn’t aware he’d said anything. “Eh, when?”

Brianna straightened her skirt and turned to him. The outline of her face was contorted with rage. “ **Now.** Just now, as you came.”

“Uhh…” James panicked, zipping up his pants. “Did I groan?”

Brianna slapped him straight across the face with surprising force. “ _Fuck YOU, James!_ ”

He touched his cheek, shocked. “What the _hell_ , Brianna—?”

“Oh, so _now_ you know my name?!” she shrieked.

“What the fuck are you—?”

“You moaned ‘ _Lily!_ ’” James nearly gasped, his head jerking back. “You fucking called out _her_ name, you… you… ASSHOLE!”

James stood perfectly still at a complete loss as Brianna yanked open the door with a big huff, gave him one last glare, before stomping out and slamming the door back shut. His jaw actually fell open… and he laughed. His shoulders shook, his eyes streamed, and he laughed and laughed until he had to hold onto the wall for support.

_Okay. Maybe no longer so normal._

☆☆☆

“Aren’t you supposed to go on one of your walks with Brianna tonight?” Sirius asked over the edge of his Transfiguration essay one night.

“Nah, we broke up.”

“Oh really?”

“Yup.”

“Cool. Wanna go shoot around on the pitch?”

“Only if you’re ready to get your arse handed to you.”

☆☆☆

After they got back from Christmas break, James noticed Lily looked even worse. And how could she not? If the Hogwarts rumors were true, both her parents had died that holiday. He wished he’d been there for her. _I guess that desire is too little too late now._ It wasn’t like how it was for Wizarding families… he never just _happened_ to hear all the gossip about her the second it transpired. All the Purebloods knew more than they could ever want to about each other. News on Lily he really had to work for. He really hated this fact; it made his life so much harder.

If he thought she was doing bad before, it was nothing to how she was now. She looked dead inside. That fire, that energy that she had emanated out of every pore was just… out. Gone. _Extinguished_.

When her clothes got a little too baggy on her frame, he decided he had to act. He already knew what foods made her happy, so he just started leaving them out for her. He tried to be subtle at first, giving an unsuspecting and gullible 1st year two plates and telling them to share it with the first person who walked through the portrait as a pay-it-forward situation right before she walked in ( _thanks Map_ ), but eventually, it didn’t matter. He noticed she was functioning on autopilot. He could have hand-fed her himself and there was about a 50/50 chance she’d register it. So he just started leaving her dishes with her name on it. Somehow this made her eat, and he was eternally grateful.

He also found himself doing _dumb_ things to try to make her life easier too. On nights he knew she was patrolling, he would walk the grounds an hour before she was scheduled to hex lingerers and couples hooking up so they would just go to bed already. He didn’t even want to think about what Lily would do if she came face to face with them. _Honestly, probably nothing, and just zombie on by, but in case she’d react differently, this is for the best._

She clearly still wanted nothing to do with him though… and that _sucked._ He’d tested the waters a couple times by offering her Transfiguration help or just asking her a friendly, and he _thought,_ neutral, ‘How you doing?’ but she acted as though he didn’t even exist. Like he hadn’t just talked at all. So he carried on.

His only major slip up was in Potions one day. Not knowing that Slughorn had brewed Amortentia, he walked into the room and his nostrils immediately were assaulted with an entire boatload of coconut. It felt like it had been shaved and stuffed up his nose all the way into his brain.

“What the fuck?” Sirius laughed, swinging his hand in front of his nose.

“I know, right?” James chuckled back. He knew Sirius didn’t like the taste of coconut and could barely stand the smell of it… But James fiend for it. It was this elusive scent that tempted him even if he knew having it would be a disaster.

It was the smell of Lily Evans.

So when Slughorn brought her in front of class, and asked her to describe the smell of the potion, and she _couldn’t…?_ Of course he pointed out that it was because she was so used to smelling herself that she’d become numb to it. When he learnt what the potion was… and how it worked, yeah, he was embarrassed as shit.

Even worse, Slughorn said you were supposed to smell multiple things. He only smelled the one.

☆☆☆

“Remus?” James asked in the library one day, cramming for an exam. He was talking to his best mate, but his eyes were still on the stoic girl with sunken eyes in the corner of the room. “You still hang with Lily sometimes, yeah?”

Remus shifted a little uncomfortably in his chair. “Yeah. We do homework together here on occasion actually. Why?”

“How is she?”

“What do you mean?”

James looked at his friend significantly. “Like, is she all right? She looks so miserable all the time.”

“I mean, you can’t blame her, she’s gone through a lot—”

“I’m not _blaming_ her,” James cut him off quickly, “I’m just… I dunno, scared for her, is all.”

“Scared?” Remus asked confused.

“Yeah, I mean, look at her. You’re not scared?” James nodded his head in her direction.

“No?”

James nodded, looking back down to his notes. He should just drop it and carry on. But _he couldn’t._ “You don’t think she’d do anything… do you?”

“Do anything?” Remus had started reading a new page and only seemed to be half paying attention anymore.

 _Merlin Almighty, why was Remus choosing_ ** _this_** _conversation to become as daft as a doorbell?!_ “Yeah, like,” James leaned forward whispering, “hurt herself?”

Remus’ eyes shot up startled. “No. Do you?” James could see on his face that suddenly Remus was thinking back on all of his recent interactions with Lily to see if he’d missed some sort of clue or hint that would answer this question.

James’ hand flew into his hair, nervously tugging on it. “I dunno! I don’t _think_ so, but I’ve also never seen her like this.”

“I don’t think she would do that to people,” Remus said contemplatively. “I mean, I know she doesn’t _like_ her sister, but she still loves her, and they’re all they’ve got left. Lily’s too nice of a girl to leave her all alone like that.”

“But if her sister wasn’t there?” James asked tepidly.

“Fuck, Prongs, this just got dark.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry.” Both hands were in his hair now. “It just kills me that I can’t help her,” he admitted softly.

Remus’ expression softened. “Okay, I’ll hang out with her more. I actually do think she’s been pretty lonely, but whenever we work together, she doesn’t seem to want to chat a lot anymore, so I wasn’t sure if she even wanted to continue. But maybe just having company helps? I can try bribing her with some chocolate?”

James smiled gratefully. “I think that sounds like a great idea.” He looked back to his notes, trying to remember what subject they were even on. “Thanks Moony.”

☆☆☆

As the months dragged on, life carried on. Soon, the Marauders’ friendship felt good as new (no more walking on eggshells) and a blanket of stress wrapped up the 5th years the closer O.W.L.s got.

James thought he was hallucinating when Emmeline Vance sent him a note to see her at the Head Dorms after dinner. (Or that Sirius was playing a very cheeky prank on him.) He strutted there, ready to fight her on whatever crime she was trying to bust him for, because he would bet his wand that she didn’t have sufficient proof to go to a teacher with ( _hence she’s summoning me to her dorm in the first place, right?_ ) Instead, she opened the door, walked him up to her room, and asked him to sit down. The only place to sit was on her bed.

“So, you like Lily Evans right?” she asked nonchalantly.

“Uh—”

“Well, I like Amos Diggory.”

“Okay?” James had no idea what the hell was going on.

“The thing is, he’s dating Claire.”

“Okay.” James figured he should just let her speak and he’d figure out what was happening eventually.

“So obviously I’m frustrated.”

“Sure.”

“But I have N.E.W.T.s coming up, James, and I can’t have any distractions.”

“Okay.”

“So that’s where you could come in.” He didn’t know if he liked the way she was staring at him.

“... Me?” James gulped.

“Yes. I have needs, you have needs, both aren’t being met at the moment. So I have a solution.” If James didn’t already _know_ Emmeline was a witch, he would have been convinced that she was a witch now. _Do women normally talk like this?!_ “Are you attracted to me?”

James opened and closed his mouth like a guppy. _Is this a trap?_ “Yeah, sure.”

“Cool. Well, I think you’re fit too. And, look, I don’t want any sort of strings or time commitments or romantic entanglements, I’m just proposing that… you come over some time.”

Now James _definitely_ thought this was a trap. “Come over?” She started looking at him like he might have taken one too many Bludgers to the head.

“Yeah… and we… destress.” She was approaching him. _Oh my Merlin, and she's pulling off my robe._ “I’ll just need to perform an STI screening charm first.”

James found that he was in fact far less stressed the subsequent few weeks. Emmeline was great. James’ favorite part of shagging her was that she didn’t seem to have the time for bullshitting him in the slightest: if something didn’t work, she told him. And if it did — _she told him._ As long as he pleased her sexually, she seemed more than happy with their little arrangement. (Not that any of the other Marauders seemed to believe him that it existed in the first place.) To be respectful, he asked her one day if he could keep asking out Lily and she’d laughed and told him to knock himself out.

And so he did. And did. And did and did and did. But it only made Lily mad.

☆☆☆

“Hey Remus, do me a favor?” James asked as they were walking through the Hogwarts Express on their way home for break.

“What?” Remus asked, the appropriate amount of skeptical.

“Ask what she’s doing this summer, k?” James didn’t wait for an answer, he was already shoving Remus into a compartment door.

“Prongs—” Remus tried to reprimand, but it was too late, James had magicked the door open and stepped around Remus to sit in the corner.

Remus stumbled through a very awkward conversation with Lily and only got around to asking her about her plans after James had coughed. _London. That was interesting… also a far more believable location for serendipitous encounters than a hellhole like Cokeworth._

It was a shame that James couldn’t come out and ask Lily all this herself, but their last conversation had been… well. Let’s just say _unpleasant._ But James had discovered something very interesting while she was screaming at him that she’d rather date the Giant Squid than him ( _a truly forbidden romance, everyone knew Evans couldn’t swim_ ) — she looked alive again. When she was mad, she wasn’t just going through the motions, her brain was all riled up, all synapses launching in order to come up with the most scathing of witty retorts. When she was yelling about what an arrogant toerag he was… she was on fire again, he could see it in her eyes. He would happily incite all her wrath if it meant he had front row seats to watching the girl that she used to be poke through.

He had needed to fuck Emmeline for an hour after Lily’s public rejection though. Fire in her eyes or not, she’d made an absolute fool out of him, and he needed someone to soothe his battered ego. Emmeline didn’t say anything (again: _very_ _public rejection_ ), but seemed to rather enjoy how he tossed her around the room, going from position to position, until he was so exhausted he could barely think of Evans. 

☆☆☆

James didn’t think summer would be this hard. True, having Sirius around _rocked,_ and they’d already planned so many of their pranks for next year… but still. First of all, there was his dad. Every day he seemed to be getting a little bit worse, retreating more and more into his own world. Sometimes he swore he walked in on him having conversations with the memory of his mother. He pretended not to notice and walked away. But then there was also just an entire world in chaos. Every time he opened _The Prophet,_ they mentioned a new ‘mysterious’ attack. It was so ‘mysterious’ how the victims always seemed to be Muggles or Muggle-borns.

So James cracked. He knew Lily would burn any letter from him without even reading it, so he did what any sensible teenage wizard would do: he forged his best friend’s handwriting and jotted down a quick note. _I just want to know she’s okay, that’s perfectly healthy, right?_ he asked himself as he went to his father’s owl (his was far too risky — she was rather recognizable after all). The hardest part of the whole thing was most definitely the sign off. _What the hell would Remus say at the end of a letter to her!?_ He knew the old Lily would go with something fun and upbeat like a ‘Cheers!’ or ‘Lots of Love!’ but Remus? After spending a good ten minutes overthinking it he just said, _fuck it,_ and went with, ‘Sincerely.’

James wished her response had made him feel better, but of course that was not the case. Lily was not a whiner, so if she was joking about the Muggles she was staying with being bad, they were probably the worst. Also, _Ugh, how is this girl not going to tell me_ ** _where_** _she works?!_ Like saying **London** narrowed down _anything_. He got it out of her via her next letter that it was a bar, but he knew that was as far as he could push without his line of questioning getting suspicious. He made sure to tell her about some of the attacks so that she knew to be on alert. The thought of her alone in a big city scared the absolute shit out of him.

 _Don’t do it._ He told himself two days later as he stared up at his ceiling. _Nope. She’s a big girl, she doesn’t need your protection, Potter._

He had this conversation with himself night after night for about a week before he caved ( _how is summer this friggin’ long?_ ) and told Sirius he wanted to start going barhopping. Sirius, his best mate for a reason, was totally gung-ho, thinking nothing of it — because, why would he?

☆☆☆

James was going to get liver disease before he found her. Truth be told, it wasn’t all bad. Sirius and him were having the time of their lives, and it turned out Muggle girls were just as attracted to them as witches were, which was always nice to know. If James kissed a few girls along the way, so be it. He was single. He was young. He was often very, very drunk.

The first night of their drunken London escapades was the most hilarious. Sirius had hit it off immediately with a leggy blonde and pulled James aside to tell him that he was going to take her home.

James narrowed his eyes at him. “How, mate?”

Sirius looked confused. “What do you mean, same way we got here: Knight Bus.” James just stared at him, waiting for him to connect the dots. “Shit, right. Muggles don’t use that. Um… so can’t go buy a broom… can’t Floo… Underage Apparation is still illegal—”

“Also, Muggles don’t do that,” James chimed in amused.

“Right. Fuck! How do Muggles get home?!”

James shrugged. “Have fun walking!”

Sirius got very surly. “This is a serious problem.”

The next day James found Sirius reading a magazine on motorcycles.

Then, on the finest Thursday of his life, he found her. Sirius and James had actually just stumbled into the shady looking pub almost by accident, really needing shelter against the torrential downpour, when they’d sat at the bar, and she stood up like the fucking goddess she was.

For a few minutes, he felt like he’d died and gone to heaven. _She’s here. I did it!_ Then a jumble of thoughts all hit him at once. The first was the most primal, his eyes immediately taking in an outfit that looked like it had come straight out of his 13 year old wet dreams. _Holy_ _fuck_ _. Who_ ** _chose_** _these?_ Her tits… and her fucking _ass…_ it was almost criminal how good she looked. Suddenly, James became very aware that he wouldn’t be able to stand up for quite some time.

Then came the jealous roaring dragon deep inside of his chest. _How many men have been ogling her this summer? How many men have been trying to touch her?_ He was overcome with how much of a **woman** she looked like now in a way that she hadn’t before. Curves aside, she carried herself differently at the bar. She had swagger in her step and a sway to her hips. She looked confident, and fuck if that wasn’t the hottest thing he’d ever seen her wear.

Sirius nearly outed him as being the creepiest of creepers, so James quickly covered about how much he liked Muggle alcohol. She looked pissed with him, so he guessed she must have believed it.

He didn’t want to overstay his welcome and make Lily _or_ Sirius suspicious ( _hard to convince your best mate a girl doesn’t drive you crazy while you’re literally stalking her…_ ) so he left shortly afterwards, but didn’t miss that Lily’s coworker mentioned it being an open mic night. He decided he’d come back on Thursdays just in case she’d decide to sing one of these days. When they’d been friends, she’d told him she used to sing as a kid, but he’d never actually heard her. He bet she sang like an angel.

Besides, going to a pub once a week wasn’t too bad, was it? _I can’t be creepy. Don’t be creepy._

His resolution to only go once a week almost flew out the window when she wrote to him ( _well, Remus really_ ) about worrying about money. _What the actual FUCK._ She **knew** he was loaded, everyone did — his dad had invented near everyone’s hair products for fuck’s sake, it was a well known fact. Why the actual hell wouldn’t she just ask **_him_** for help? He had more money than he could spend in four lifetimes and she was struggling to buy food and she wrote to _Remus?!_ He wasn’t that well off either. What was she thinking? Remus couldn’t fix it. He could.

It almost made his blood boil. No wonder she’d somehow gotten even bonier.

So he went back. And he tipped. Knowing she was too proud to ask for his help meant she was probably also too proud for what she’d consider his charity, so he made sure to leave her no choice and gave Wizarding money he knew she’d have no change for and wouldn’t have to share with her boss. _Perfect._

But then new problems appeared. Lily had bruises. He tried not to focus on them at first, people got bruised all the time, _maybe she’s taken up martial arts, I don’t fucking know what people in the Muggle world do in their free time_ , but when he noticed her cheek colors didn’t match one day, that was the final straw. Lily never wore blush, why the hell would she start now?

So he waited until the bar had cleared and they were alone. His heart nearly burst when she remembered he wanted to be an Auror, and then his pants nearly did when he almost charmed her top off. She turned away before it fell down, just like he knew she would, and he was able to slip on his Invisibility Cloak. She thought she was alone and she looked… disappointed? James didn’t have too much time to ponder this, because before he knew it, she had pulled her wand from out of her hair and he watched mesmorized as it unfurled and cascaded down her back. It wasn’t fair — no woman had the right to be _this_ friggin’ beautiful. He wanted to reach out and touch her shoulder, feel how soft her arms were underneath his fingertips, but he had to focus. He almost laughed when he saw the naughty look on her face that she’d always get when she was going to break the rules, and she cast a spell… He wasn’t aware of how much he’d missed that expression until he saw it again. It fit on her. It belonged there.

James loved watching her do magic, even something as mundane as a cleaning spell. Lily didn’t always have the most confidence in herself (before she’d started working at this pub it seemed), but she had always been confident in her magic. As she should be. It was just so sexy to see.

 _Focus,_ ** _focus_** _for fuck’s sake, Potter._ He followed her out the bar, making sure to keep a good distance so she wouldn’t hear him. He watched as her shoulders started crumpling in on herself the closer she got to home and her whole attitude changed. _She’s scared._ What the hell were these people doing to her?

He didn’t want to go inside her apartment — even amateur stalkers had limits — but he heard enough from by the door. They yelled at her. _Screamed_ bloody murder. He heard the sound of a bottle breaking and then someone stumbling, but it seemed like Lily had already made it to her room. She was safe.

He made up his mind on the spot. He was getting rid of these horrible people one way or another. He lay awake for a couple hours in his bed that night until he figured out the best way to lure out a couple of alcoholics. Booking a two person, far, far, _far_ away cruise was easy peasy after that. Two days later, he sent the best improv actor he could find with _very specific_ instructions to their door. The rest, was history.

She seemed so much happier in the pub after that. And that made James happy.


	34. Love Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, we know he's obsessed, yeah? Cuz boy's obsessed.

**_6th Year_ ** ****

This year was going to be his year, James decided, returning to the castle with his three best mates. He was turning 17 in a few months ( _okay, fine, six…ish_ ) and would finally be considered an adult in the eyes of the law, which would be nice. Being legally allowed to Apparate would also mean near unlimited freedom! And yes, if he really thought about it, 6th year _was_ the best: no major exams that would determine the rest of his life, and no stress of it being the last year and worrying about making everything count. They could just rule the school like was their birthright as Marauders. Oh yeah, and he was the motherfucking Gryffindor Quidditch Captain this year. He was a god. Life was good.

Lily, however, hadn’t gotten the memo that this was to be James’ year and seemed to be trying to put a damper on his dreams. She made absolutely no acknowledgement that they’d seen each other that summer. He threw her a casual, ‘hey’ as she walked by in the Great Hall that was completely ignored. (‘Smooth,’ Sirius had said, clapping his back.) James figured it was just as well. At least she hadn’t gotten a restraining order against him. When she’d liked him back, his obsession with her had been cute. Now, he was painfully aware, it was highly problematic.

He noticed tiny changes with her this year… it looked like she was at least awake, even if she seemed pissed off all the time. He’d take that, hell, he’d encourage it; he could not stress enough that anything was better than last year’s given-up-on-life attitude. She’d gotten tougher and angrier — perhaps working at the pub had hardened her. Or maybe it was just the time away from school that had let her heal up a bit.

☆☆☆ ****

He fucked up in Herbology. It was a hot, late summer day and Lily had shed her robe in the toasty greenhouse and, _yes,_ he’d accidentally burst a Snargaluff pod when she’d brushed against him on her way between their two tables to get her own supplies. He was only fucking human and now he knew with stunning accuracy the shape of her body (he _had_ studied it from the corner of her pub for months after all), and it just made him all the more a sucker for her touch (intentional or not). As the lime green pus splattered onto her shirt, making the fabric cling to her curves, Sirius gave him a grin, clearly thinking he’d done it on purpose. _Fuck._ That was giving him far too much credit — like he could even keep his head on and dick down at the same time around her.

When Lily started yelling at him, he couldn’t help it, he had to smile. She was a vision, with reddening cheeks and flailing arms, and _holy shit, she’s cussing. I fucking_ _love_ _it when she cusses._ It showed him that she really wasn't the goody two-shoes that everyone thought her to be. He could listen to her scream the word ‘fuck' all day… it was easy to let his mind wander to gutter thoughts with _that_ word on her tongue. _Besides, it isn’t like—_

_Oh fuck. Aaand she’s taking her top off. Oh holy titballs, what the fuck do I do with my hands? What do I — did Pads just slag-cough?! Merlin damn it, Sirius!_

And then she was gone, in a cloud of rage, and yeah, he felt bad because Professor Purdy had sent her to the hospital wing and asked her how badly it _hurt_. He thought maybe he’d just caused a mess, not that he was injuring her. He probably should start paying attention to lectures… they were just so boring whenever safety got brought up.

So he convinced Remus to let him take her assignments to her that night, promising to apologize to her. And honestly, that’s very much what he intended to do. The place was empty save for one cot with the curtains drawn so he strutted on over. Only when he turned around after sneaking inside did he realize his fatal mistake: Evans was sleeping. And _topless_.

The first thought that careened through his mind was, _She’s going to fucking murder me._ He considered his options. He could run away and never look back, pretending he hadn’t seen anything, but that seemed super shady. He _had_ seen something — in fact, his eyes were currently glued to two particular somethings that he couldn’t quite seem to drag them away from. _Is it hot in here?_ James tugged on his tie to give him a little more breathing room. He felt like he had to own up to seeing her half naked, otherwise he truly was a creep. The only problem there was she would _never_ believe that it had all been an accident ( _again_ )… She wouldn’t believe it in a million years.

 _So don’t explain it,_ a cocky voice in his head responded. _Act like it’s no big deal, they’re just tits. Just a set of perfect, green-paste slathered tits._ James sat down, wondering if this new image would fuck with his dreams at all. Maybe she’d be some totally green alien next time, and that might be fun. He’d fuck an alien if it looked like Evans.

He really couldn’t stop staring. He’d thought about these tits since he’d watched them start growing. _Fuck, you’re a creep._

It was almost a relief when she finally woke up and could stop him.

Naturally, she was too wound up for his explanation of what had happened in Herbology or compliments about her other-worldly breasts, but he still left her (screaming at him) quite pleased. (He had _no idea_ why…)

(His dreams ended up being quite standard — thank you very much.)

☆☆☆ ****

The rest of the week was pleasant enough, James only having to teach one new student how things worked at Hogwarts. Of course he tried to do so _kindly,_ he wasn’t an utter arse after all, and the guy was new — how would he know unless James educated him? James was a decent bloke, he was merely showing this dude the ropes: all the girls were nice, Dorcas was bi, and Lily was off limits _. Easy peasy_. At first the guy ( _Ricardo? Francesco? Fuck, it doesn’t matter…_ ) looked like he may fight back, but James made sure to hex Rosier as he passed their little welcome chat to demonstrate that he wasn’t someone to be trifled with. It was a low-blow, Rosier never retaliated against James or any of the other Marauders ( _chicken_ ), but new-guy Fabio here didn’t know that.

Turned out all the flexing was for nothing. The guy’s family had to relocate again by the end of the month and he transferred with them.

But then something rather awesome happened: James caught Lily blushing at him again at breakfast. That hadn’t happened in… who knew how long. It gave him an insane thrill of hope.

So, fuck yes, he was going to sit with her the first chance he had in Transfig. She told him to keep his hands to himself, which he thought came out of left field. _When’s the last time I touched you? … Fuck I wanna touch you._

She was infuriating. She dodged his questions, and even looking at him, like it was her bloody job. It made him mad; it made him cocky. He was going to crack her one way or another.

He could have kissed Minnie for making them do animal transformations in pairs. He couldn’t wait to show off his skills, show Evans just how talented he’d become. He wanted her admiration, or even just _attention_ , so badly.

She wanted to go first and she looked completely flustered, her eyes darting all over him. He was both thrilled and a little scared. He offered to help, but of course she refused him — she always did.

The fact that she wanted to turn him into a Skrewt seemed to imply that he may just have his work cut out for him in the whole wooing her department.

But he knew exactly where to start — turning her into what she very much already was: a cat. He loved cats. Well, he chose to morph her into a kitten for the demonstration because how much cuter would that be? He was sure even Evans couldn’t resist his charm now.

Of course, he was so, so wrong. She most certainly could. He thought they’d shared a moment while he was holding her in his arms after her transformation, but, _nope._ She was screaming at him again. _Always_ screaming. You’d think he’d have gotten used to her constant rejections by now, but they still kind of stung. But hey, maybe this was just their thing.

She knew exactly how to bring him down a few dozen pegs.

☆☆☆ ****

“She’s going on a date with _who?_ ” James questioned, pissed off as hell at lunch.

“Um… Paxton? Like I just said…” Marlene answered, scooping some green beans onto her plate.

“Fucking git,” he whispered under his breath. He was completely torn about this. On the one hand, that Lily was even entertaining the idea of dating again was bloody brilliant. He was fairly certain depressed people didn’t date — or at least she wouldn’t have dated last year. But on the other hand, how in the hell was he supposed to intimidate the Head Boy away from her? None of his usual tricks would work and Paxton could easily make his life a living hell as payback… _No, I’ll have to thwart this from the other side…_

He had to get Lily to stop the date herself. _Desperate times._

“You still like her, don’t you?” Marlene smiled, looking over to her cousin.

 _James shrugged, not looking her in the eye._ “Yeah, I mean, she’s fit.”

Marlene snorted. He could never pull one over her. It sucked.

☆☆☆ ****

James was even more desperate than ever to derail Lily’s love life after he’d asked around a bit about Paxton. Apparently, the guy had a reputation for trying to ‘bag’ girls that no one else had been able to yet. James guessed that himself and that Muggle bloke she’d slept with didn’t count in this scenario. But like hell he was going to let Lily get dragged into another man’s dumb challenge.

Sirius obviously took some persuading to get on board ‘mission-make-sure-Lily-doesn’t-date-anyone-else,’ telling James how it shouldn’t matter because he was over her… _right?_ James was able to get him to come around eventually though by citing it was tradition. He knew Sirius was really big on following those as long as they were Marauder traditions, not the Pureblood ones his family had always tried to force down his throat. Like James pointed out: they’d been playing this game for years… why not finish strong?

This was, however, the first time he was going to try to seduce Lily into dropping a guy. Surprisingly, it was Peter who suggested framing her so that James could get detention alone with her. James had no idea the little guy had such deviousness in him.

Pissing her off in order to get her bag unsupervised had been all too easy. All he had to do was drop an immature comment in the hall and she stormed off, leaving him holding it. And then the plan went even more flawlessly than anticipated when she threw her bag to the floor, spilling the Firewhiskey everywhere. He guessed he’d underestimated just how heated he made her when predicting he’d have to hex her bag to uncover it. _Hook. Line. Sinker._ Lily looked so pissed, and honestly, it riled him up even more.

☆☆☆ ****

James was almost giddy for his detention with Lily. It had been so long since he’d been able to _talk_ to her — really talk — and what better setting than somewhere where she couldn’t run away? It was **genius!** He patted himself thoroughly on the back. ( _And thank Merlin for Peter, good friend that he is._ )

Buttering up Professor Stone was insanely effortless (she **loved** him for some strange — mildly inappropriate — reason), he just gave her some intense eye contact and clenched his jaw while she talked to him a bunch. Chicks dug that. Within five minutes, she was brushing his bicep and telling him to call her Jennifer. Manipulating her would be a walk in the park. If only Lily found his new height and filled out manly physique just as alluring. But alas, she did not. _Yet._

After Sirius’ truly brilliant and inspired performance — it was finally just the two of them.

James basked in the situation for a bit, allowing himself to take her in across the desk from him. Her skin was absolutely flawless save for a small scar that split her upper lip. If he recalled the story correctly, her sister had shoved her as a kid and she’d tripped on the sidewalk, hitting the edge. He’d never had the pleasure of meeting said sister, but if he ever did, he had the feeling he’d be anything but ‘polite.’ Her lips were a pale pink, plump and delicious looking. He had a brief flashback of kissing them before… it had been too long. He craved to do it again. He’d learnt a few tricks since then, and he couldn’t wait to show them off to her.

She crossed her arms, making her cleavage even more pronounced, and, _Lily, you know I can’t help myself with your tits… stop drawing my attention there!_ Or don’t. James’ gaze stalled. _Holy fuck._ He fought from smiling, but maybe he still was. _She had changed into a pushup bra… for_ ** _me_** _._ Part of James knew, logically, that it could have been for another reason entirely, but the dragon in him knew it was for him. She’d wanted to look good for him, or at the very least, to torture him some more. ( _Still, that’s for me._ )

James felt like he was flying. He had a real shot here. Perhaps Lily didn’t hate him as much as she pretended to… His ego soared.

The blush on her cheeks when he brought it up all but confirmed it. He was **the shit.** Lily Evans fancied him back at least a little bit again. He was never going to come down from this pride. Not even her jabs about his age and poor eyesight (a truly low blow, she’d told him she _liked_ his glasses last year…) could cut him that bad. He was going to act on this development, and he was going to act on it now.

He knew she wanted him, and he was about to show her just how much. He backed her into a desk and watched as her eyes darkened with lust, searching his face, trying to calculate his next move a second before he did it. That look made him feel things. How could she do this to him? How could just her eyes elicit feelings that other girls’ touches, words, fucking mouths wrapped around his cock, could not?

He kissed her the way he had a thousand times in his dreams; the kind of dreams he’d wake up panting from, cursing that he hadn’t been able to make them a reality yet. Except this was _real_. Lily was in his arms and she was touching him back, kissing him, _moaning into his goddamn mouth._ That moan travelled to every centimeter of his body, making goosebumps roll out over his skin. He wanted to hear her do it again.

When they broke free she looked shocked, fingers on her lips like she couldn’t believe it. _Good, this is only the beginning, love._

He was so happy, he could have sung.

But he had to focus on the goal. He told her not to go out with Paxton instead.

Lily was **_his_.**

☆☆☆ ****

“What did you do?” Marlene asked James at breakfast the next morning with a ‘don’t-mess-with-me’ scowl on her face.

“Huh?” James asked through a mouth full of bacon.

“At the detention last night… What. Did. You. Do?”

James smiled to himself. “I wrote lines. It was riveting. So very educational.”

Marlene rolled her eyes. “You’re a real wanker, you know that?” She drank some of his pumpkin juice. “She came back all dazed and confused.”

James didn’t need to ask who they were talking about. His grin went lopsided. “Did she really?”

“Play nice, James,” Marlene warned. “She’s fragile right now. Don’t push it.”

James sighed. “Fine, fine. I’ll back off, jeez.” He ruffled his hair. Sometimes it felt like the universe really didn’t want them together. Sirius settling on the bench next to him signaled the end of his conversation about Lily with his cousin. But he took it to heart and dutifully gave Lily some space. After all, he really didn’t want to fuck with her recovery… and he thought he’d gotten across his point about her not dating other people loud and clear already anyway.

☆☆☆ ****

Of course, _she_ was the one to approach him afterwards. Leave it to Evans to only try to talk to him when he was trying to be good. He was starting to wonder if this was some sort of weird kink she had. (If it was, he was _more_ than willing to play along… he wanted so badly to figure out all of her kinks. She seemed like the type of complicated girl who’d have more than a few. She also seemed like the mother of his future children, but that was a consideration for another time… _Don’t be obsessed._ )

She was jealous that he’d flirted with Professor Stone. _Oh, this is getting better and better._ It was absolutely **adorable** that she thought she had anything to worry about.

He teased her because he was fully onto her now.

_She wants me._

☆☆☆ ****

_Or, you know what, maybe she wants death, and what the_ **_fuck_ ** _, man?!_

James had sprinted down the hall to their new detention in a complete panic as soon as he heard her bloodcurdling screams. It felt like someone was scratching his eardrums out from the inside. He found her in the classroom staring straight ahead, just _screaming,_ arms thrashing about wildly. He reached for her, held her tight, trying to tell her that she was safe, and that he was right there, and that he’d never let anything hurt her, just _please_ _,_ please stop screaming… but she couldn’t hear it. He kept trying, pleading, calling her name, absolute hopelessness festering inside of him.

But then she stopped. And he heard his father’s voice behind him.

He must have let go of Lily, because he turned slowly to see his dad clutching his dead mother’s body.

_Oh. It’s just a Boggart._

James got rid of it easily. He had more important things to deal with than **fear** : like _what the hell was she thinking?!_ He threw away the question: ‘Do you have a death wish?’ like it hadn’t plagued him for the past year, like he hadn’t noticed that she liked sitting on a rock in the lake when she couldn’t swim, like she hadn’t been comatose all of last year, like her fucking nervous habit _wasn’t_ motherfucking pretending to **stab** herself like it was some sort of fucking **_joke_** , like she hadn’t just walked into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom and opened a box with an unknown monster inside. It was supposed to be a simple, layup question — and she botched the shit out of it.

Perhaps it was having just seen the Boggart of his dead mother — the woman who had meant everything to him and had lost her fight, her will to live — but he felt his heart turn to stone looking into her emerald eyes. He couldn’t do this again. He couldn’t love someone who had given up on herself. He couldn’t put himself through that kind of heartache again. He knew he was great, but he wasn’t great enough to save someone who didn’t want to be saved, and if that was the case, then he’d just—

She was kissing him. Lily friggin’ Evans had gotten on her toes to claim his lips with absolutely no provocation on his part.

As soon as he melted into the moment, she pulled back and ran away, threatening him into silence… but her damage was done. Yesterday, he’d ensured that she was his. Tonight, she’d made sure that she owned him. It didn’t matter that it had clearly been a distraction, she’d still conjured up the deed to his heart and signed it right under his nose. He hoped she knew what she was getting herself into — because she was never going to get rid of him now.

She wanted him. And if there was one thing James was good at, it was getting Lily what she wanted. (Okay, so he’d never been good at it before, but he was going to make sure he was good at it now. If he dedicated everything he had to this mission, how hard could it be?)

James picked up her abandoned backpack and returned to Gryffindor.

“James, what on earth?” were the words that greeted him upon his arrival to the common room. Marlene looked annoyed. “Why did Lily just storm through here looking like she’d been crying? You said you’d ease up!”

“I did!” James defended, handing her Lily’s bag. Lily’s threat to tell no one of their kiss rang in his ears. “She… stubbed her toe.” Marlene gave him a look. “Hard. Like, really, _really_ hard. She should probably get it looked at. Anyway, could you check on her?” He gave her his most winning smile.

“I can’t believe I’m involved in this,” Marlene grumbled as she disappeared up the steps. She returned shortly afterwards saying Lily was getting ready for bed.

 _Ugh, I wish it were mine._ James tried not to hear his inner voice. (It was true though.)

☆☆☆ ****

James couldn’t stop thinking about Lily. Obviously, this was pretty normal, but the obsession was growing. Her kiss had all but fed the monster inside of him, somehow allowing it to continue to stretch its wings and take over his body completely. James was now a host, barely conscious enough to do anything to overthrow his parasitic thoughts.

But there was more to it than just wanting her (although that took up a great deal of his brain power), he couldn’t stop _worrying_ about her too. This was also commonplace, but he’d never had so much evidence of her self-sabotaging tendencies before. He had to do something.

So he watched the Map a little more closely that weekend, his heart all but stopping when he saw her label in the hospital wing. _Fuck!_ Without thinking, he hexed Sirius right where he stood.

“What the _hell_ , Prongs?” his best friend rightfully exclaimed staring at his fresh purple skin.

“Oops, my bad, I was aiming for Wormtail.”

“Hey!” Peter cried behind him, but Sirius nodded his head like it was an adequate explanation.

“I’ll take you to the infirmary,” James said jovially, getting to his feet and herding Sirius out the door.

She was _interning._ James couldn’t describe the type of relief he felt at seeing she was all right — no, better than all right, she had a new purpose. ( _Also, damn her ass looks good in those jeans, but that’s really not the point, now is it?_ And they claimed boys couldn’t multitask…)

He wondered if this was what she wanted to do now. He remembered her freaking out a little at the end of 4th year after he’d proudly told her that he wanted to be an Auror, because she still had no idea what her future held for her.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, James, I think it’s so great that you know what you want to do — oh, shit. I’m being selfish, making you knowing what your path is into a pity party about how I don’t know mine, aren’t I?” she had asked genuinely.

He had realized right then and there that she probably cared just a little _too_ much about what other people thought of her. “No, that’s not selfish. And you don’t have to decide now. McGonagall doesn’t even have career talks until next year. If you still don’t know by then, she’ll help you choose. Don’t stress.”

She’d given him the warmest smile in return.

James wondered what had made her decide to give healing a go. He wanted to know every little thing that he’d missed since they’d been friends. He watched her come back through the common room later that night and bit back a smile as she all but frolicked up the staircase. _Well, at least she looks happy now._ In that moment, James vowed that he’d do whatever it took to keep her this fulfilled, even if he had to hex some random boys to do so.

☆☆☆ ****

 _Another fucking Paxton?_ James grumbled to himself in Transfig Monday morning when Hufflepuff Adam sat next to his girl. He had her laughing and her body language seemed to indicate… flirting. _Great. Just great._ These brothers were going to give him an aneurysm. He’d have to keep his eye on the younger one now too.

☆☆☆ ****

Then again, keeping an eye on Lily already seemed to be a full time job. Surely her appetite would come back in full force _eventually._ He had noticed her indulging in more chocolate again, and that had to be a good sign, right? _Fuck._ He wished he didn’t notice these things. Why couldn’t he just be a normal guy who wasn’t drawn in by every move of this completely abnormal ( _in all the best ways_ ) witch?

So yeah, he ambushed her. She needed to eat, and frankly, he was sort of sick of caring more about her own health than she did. _Pick up the friggin’ slack, Evans. Help me out here!_

She wasn’t even giving him the common decency of looking him in the eye. _Seriously, Lily? Ha. Well, okay._ So he carried her to the kitchens. He just picked her up, threw her over his shoulder and kidnapped her. And you know what? He didn’t even feel the tiniest bit bad about it. Not even when she put on a big show of pretending to hate it… because he was on to her now. He spanked her ass just to prove it.

Her response was about her knickers, not about his manhandling. _Yup. Just as I thought._ She needn’t be embarrassed though. There was something wholly endearing about knowing that Lily Evans, gorgeous temptress to all men and fierce opponent in all battles of wits, still pulled up a swatch of fabric of cute little polar bears to cover up her cunt. It made her human.

After watching her eat some lasagna, and trying to pretend like it didn’t bother him when she called him a creep, he confirmed that she wanted to be a healer. James couldn’t help but let warm fuzzy feelings take hold inside of him at her admission. _Lily the healer._ It just worked. Lily was so smart, and so _kind_ , he felt like an idiot for not having suggested the job for her sooner. _It’s perfect for her._

 _Don’t be a creep,_ he admonished. He ragged on her skinny appearance instead so she wouldn’t catch the admiration in his eyes.

After all but confirming that she hadn’t gone to Hogsmeade because he asked her not to date Paxton, James watched as she seemed to struggle internally with something. She wanted to ask him a question… but he was scared he wouldn’t like whatever it was.

He got her out of there, pressed against him under his cloak, trying not to touch her. It was torture, smelling her coconut scented hair right under his nose the entire journey up. He kept tripping on her, but what did she expect? He was really trying his best here!

But then there was trouble. James had been in enough of these high-stakes sneaking around predicaments to know exactly what to do. Lily, clearly, did not. He needed to pin her to the wall to get her to comply, silencing her shock. _Okay,_ so he didn’t have to, but no one could argue that flattening himself against her wasn’t an effective technique of making them as small and undetectable as possible… The caretaker was none the wiser to their presence.

But James was now wiser to a great many things himself: namely just how horny Lily looked taking in his body before her. Her eyes had glossed over and she was breathing funny — and he would know, her chest was smushed right up against his. James knew he was confident, a great many people had told him so over the course of his life (sometimes using not-so-nice synonyms), but if he was being honest, he was actually not sure if Lily would ever look at him the way she did in his dreams. She was looking at him like she wanted him to take her right then and there and ruin all men to even dare try to come after him… Just like he’d always hoped she would. And he knew he could never say no to her — even to the desire he read upon her face.

That didn’t mean he couldn’t savor the moment though. That didn’t mean that he couldn’t watch enthralled as she squirmed under his touch, pining to reach his lips. _She wants me,_ he repeated his favorite new mantra. He would never get over it. He would never take it for granted.

He would now wholeheartedly use it to his advantage.

Of course… it would always be nice to hear her say it. It had been ingrained in him that he was being a creep, that he was doing too much; so yeah, a little extra confirmation wouldn’t hurt. He needed to be absolutely certain that he didn’t want this so badly himself that he’d just concocted some elaborate fantasy where he had imagined everything he ever wanted come to life. All he needed was a verbal okay before he went in for the kill. _That would be great._

So he pushed. And he teased. And he whispered in her ear while he knew she was freaking out about getting caught in the hall after hours. He never said he’d fight fair… And she was just so cute when she got flustered. He knew his amusement only drove her even more over the edge.

_“Fine! I_ **_hate_ ** _you, I hate you so bloody damn much, but I still want you to fuck me until I can’t walk straight. Happy?!”_

_Oh._ ** _Fuck me_** _._ Her words went straight to his cock. He could focus on her denial about hating him later, right now, he had other things on his mind. How would he ever be able to sleep again having heard Lily yell these words at him? How would he ever be able to do anything but live in this moment for the rest of his life? _She wants me to fuck her._

He all but tossed her into the common room, the beast inside of him roaring for a taste of her already, demanding to claim her as his own. He knew he was moving too fast as he picked her up — but she was wrapping her legs around his waist, she was tugging on his Merlin-damn hair, and he was losing his fucking mind. His whole body was vibrating with an energy that seemed ripe to blow at any minute. He could barely control it, he was just trying to contain it, steer it in a mutually beneficial direction before it detonated.

And now he was fucking dry humping her — and he couldn’t help that either, amateurishly embarrassing as that was. They were in the middle of the common room, and he vowed their first time together wouldn’t be somewhere so tawdry, but his hips seemed to have a mind of their own, fighting to get his body inside of hers. The friction they were garnering was sinful and euphoria shot through him. When she moaned from his rolling pelvis and roaming hands, he felt like a king.

She tried to grab his cock, the cheeky witch that she was, but he wasn’t having it. He’d been a selfish lover before — he wasn’t going to make that mistake now that it counted. When Emmeline asked him to go down on her, he’d pretty obviously not known what the hell he was doing. She’d gotten grouchy at him, demanding to know why… And he’d sheepishly explained that he hadn’t done it before, even though _yes,_ he had received blowjobs himself. She had given him an _earful_ after that one. (And James had mused how Emmeline and Lily would probably get along nicely… and _yes_ , then he pictured having a threesome with both of them.) Luckily, Emmeline had incentive enough to teach him how to properly eat out. He just hoped Lily would respond well to the same moves.

He was temporarily distracted, however, with just how fucking wet she was as she bucked up into him. _Are you fucking kidding me?!_ She smelt amazing. Sirius oft complained about girls’ potent scents, but _nope._ James just wanted to bury his damn face in there already. _Of course she’s perfect in every way._

So he asked her how she liked to be touched, but was instantly disappointed: she had no idea. Not only must Muggle bloke not have taken care of her during their hookup ( _the selfish prick, who wouldn’t want to?!_ ) but this meant that she didn’t masturbate! And if there was one person who should be masturbating, it was Evans. Not only was it wildly fun to picture her doing so, but she could _definitely_ use the extra endorphins… you know, to help her relax a little. Course he couldn’t **say** this without completely ruining the mood, but it frustrated him for sure. Lily deserved to be pleasured whenever she damn well pleased. It was the 70s! _Touch yourself already, damn it!_

Maybe tonight he’d have to start slow and just figure out how she liked to be fingered then. He could do that for her — they’d learn what her body liked together.

He **loved** watching her come undone for him. He watched her face completely mesmorized, his fingers deep inside her warm, velvety core, as her brows knitted and her jaw slackened. _She’s begging for me. Me!_ James wasn’t sure if he’d ever been so hard in his life.

She _came_ for him. James was so fucking proud of himself. He gave her a celebratory kiss, wanting her to know just how much this moment meant to him. Some guys spent their whole lives trying to please a woman — he’d just made his girl come on his first try. What wasn’t there to be smug about?

 _Well, maybe the fact that she’s threatening to murder me. Again._ James considered that maybe the orgasm he’d just given her wasn’t that good after all. He tried not to let it sink his high, but how could it not? He’d just had Lily on her back, twitching in pleasure, and now they were seemingly right back to square one. _Poof!_ Like nothing had just happened. Like _they_ hadn’t finally just happened. _Maybe she actually does hate me…?_

He lashed out to cover the hurt seeping into him. When he told her she needed to figure out what she wanted before she brought a guy into the picture, he was only half talking about her body. He really hoped she’d figure out what her heart wanted too.

☆☆☆ ****

The next day, James watched as Lily sat with some of the girls for breakfast. _That wouldn’t have to do with me teasing her about being a loner yesterday, would it? Nah…_ James reminded himself not to be so arrogant.

Then again… maybe the arrogance was well earned. Evans couldn’t keep her eyes off of him now. Seeing her flushed cheeks only made him all the more horny himself, now having her o-face tattooed into his memory for life. How was he ever supposed to pass his classes now?

She got in trouble in DADA for gossiping with Marlene — so _obviously_ he was going to ask his cousin what that was all about.

“James,” Marlene sighed, shoving her hair over her forehead. “No. You don’t push me to befriend her and then _ask me what she says,_ I’m not your spy.”

“Come on, just a little hint,” James begged. “Was it about me?”

Marlene glared at me. “I like her, James. Telling you would be betraying her.” James gave her puppy eyes until she faltered slightly. “Fine. She told me she doesn’t fancy you in nearly the exact way you denied it. Happy?”

“No, what?” James said as a knee-jerk reaction before he could process that he’d lied about liking her too.

Marlene rolled her eyes. “She said you’re hot.”

As she walked away, James grinned as widely as he could.

☆☆☆ ****

By the time Quidditch practice rolled around, he was beyond sexually frustrated. He’d wanked himself to sleep the night before, and jerked himself off after two classes today. He’d rather not have to do it all over again or he’d start shooting blanks. Perhaps the only way to stop hearing Lily moaning the word ‘ _Please’_ to him was to run his body into the fucking ground with training.

By the end of the session, he was pretty sure his whole team hated him, but he didn’t care. He slept like a baby that night.

Only problem was, the next morning, he could barely move. He prodded a half-asleep Remus for the prefect bathroom password as he’d occasionally done since last year and lumbered over to it, moaning flamboyantly as he lowered himself into a hot bubble bath. _Oh, I’ve earned this._ He did a few stretches as he felt his poor overtaxed body start to relax.

And then it tensed right back up. Of all people, _Evans_ had just ambled on in. _Maybe the universe has changed its mind…_ He debated letting her undress, _all I’d have to do is absolutely nothing,_ but he figured he’d crept on her once before. The next time he saw her breasts, she should probably be the one to show them to him, on purpose _._

So he flirted and teased her. If she thought he was hot, he was going to give her a show… demonstrate just what she could be having if only she were to give in. He wasn’t disappointed by her reactions: she was practically drooling as she eye-fucked the shit out of him, dropping her wand as her nipples hardened through her top. _I did that. Just seeing_ _me_ _makes her wet._ He took a step closer to her while naked (as she so astutely pointed out) and he resisted the overwhelming urge to rip her camisole clean off her body. It almost felt criminal to ignore the ache for him that was rolling off her in thick, warm waves, but he managed.

She had him cover up his cock, but James was no idiot: she wanted to touch him, it was clear as day. It felt so good knowing he was no longer alone in this… He wasn’t the only creep in the room. He threw the insult back at her, relishing how she squirmed. She forgot her train of thought, so busy trying **not** to stare at his abs now that she’d been caught, and he loved that too. A sexually frustrated Evans was a cute as hell Evans.

So he put her hands on his hard stomach and watched her forget how to breathe. _This is yours._ He dragged her hands up. _All of this is_ ** _yours._ **He had her palm linger over her heart, hoping she could feel just how wildly it pumped for her. He wondered if she noticed it. _Just fucking take it, Lily._

He asked her what she thought, because yeah, his ego would love to hear her say how fit he was, but she refused to play his game, implying she was messing with other boys.

 _Fuck._ Obviously shifty little Adam came to his mind. He brought him up but saw almost immediately it was the wrong angle to take things. _You’re such a fucking idiot, Potter! Don’t bring up other boys right now!_ She seemed to be responding better to his touch than his words. He decided he should probably focus on that instead.

Things went hazy after that. He wasn’t really sure what they were talking about because before he knew it, Lily was shivering under his fingertips and she was kissing him and touching him back and — _holy fucking shit —_ grabbing his cock. _I could get used to this…_ His whole body tensed in anticipation under her soft hand, wondering if this was real life.

She asked him to show her how, _which is weird, it’s just a dick_ , but then everything went to shit. _She thinks it’s her_ _turn_ _._ Shame flooded him. He felt like the biggest douche in the world. Perhaps he was complete garbage at reading the situation! Had he just all but forced himself onto this girl? Of course selfless, kind, wonderful Evans would feel guilty about not having reciprocated that night. Was that all she was feeling? _Guilty?_ Having a girl touch him was obviously awesome, but only if she actually wanted to, _holy fucking Circe._

He stormed out of the bathroom thoroughly embarrassed.

Then she sat right next to him in the next class. _What does this girl want from me? She’s so friggin’ confusing!_ Maybe she wasn’t done torturing him? Maybe she was fully back to being her old self again and wanted to play games with him again until he lost his mind? _I mean, I would probably deserve it…_ Only this time, she was batting in the major leagues: trading in flirty skirts for eye-fucking and time-stopping snogs.

But then _she_ started asking if he was playing her ( _huh?_ ) and talking about his cock in the middle of class and — _WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!_ James looked over to Sirius to make sure that this wasn’t his most brilliant prank yet, but no, Sirius was actually paying attention to the lecture.

James’ head was spinning, his world upside-down, but he _thought_ Evans had just propositioned him. Like full on said she wanted to ‘do something’ with his cock and if he wasn’t down she wouldn’t ‘waste any more time’ on him.

_What. The. Fuck._

_What the fuck?_

**_WHAT THE FUCK?!_ **

_Obviously_ he wanted to fuck her six ways to Sunday, but… she was down, just like that? He knew she’d said something similar outside of Gryffindor, but it sounded a whole lot different in the light of day, in class, and posed as an ultimatum. _Okay, so she’s woken up from her funk horny as hell, cool. Process this, process this_ _faster_ _, James._ Was he interchangeable to her? She made it sound like any odd dick would do. Like… did she care for him at all? James knew he’d fuck her if she wanted him to, but she’d never be just a shag to him. She’d never be a replaceable toy that he could get bored of. Could he deal with possibly being one to her?

Lily walked over to Adam ( _right after our conversation, Lily? Really?!_ ) and he accidentally burst a lightbulb overhead through his pure, pulsating jealousy.

Yeah. He’d find a way to deal with it. _Over my dead body is she going to start sleeping with someone else if I’m an option._

☆☆☆ ****

“Moony, please,” James begged in their dorm room that night.

“No. Come on, don’t get me involved in this.”

“Just have her wait by the door, that’s all I’m asking for!”

Remus glared at him. “A broom cupboard door. The door to the very same cupboard you lost your virginity in.”

 _Damn it._ James knew all that bragging would come back to bite him in the arse one day. He didn’t want to have to explain how he was trying to right the cosmic injustice of Lily not having been his first time by shagging her for **their** first time in the very same place he’d lost it. It obviously wasn’t his ideal spot to shag the girl of his dreams, but she seemed to be on a deadline here and he had no time to waste. If he waited too long, who knew how many other volunteers she’d get. If she was propositioning them in the same way she had him, he doubted she’d receive a single rejection.

Either way, he didn’t have time to argue this!

It looked like Remus was very much on to him… even though he hadn’t told any of the Marauders of Lily’s newfound attitude towards him. Even if Lily hadn’t asked him to keep quiet about the whole situation, he thought he might still have remained mum. Too many external voices had ruined them the first time. This time, he was okay with everything being their little secret for now.

“I just need to talk to her,” James lied. Remus tilted his head disbelievingly. “Look, I’ll do all the patrols you’re too sick for.”

“You already do that.”

James gave him a megawatt smile. “Exactly. Aren’t I just the best friend?” _Desperate times, desperate measures indeed._

Remus sighed heavily. “Fine. I’ll ask her to wait there. But if she asks why, or leaves, that’s **not** on me.”

James punched his shoulder. “Thanks Moony! You’re the best!”

Remus tried not to smile as James grabbed his Invisibility Cloak and the Map.

☆☆☆ ****

They were almost there now. James watched eagerly as Lily and Remus’ labels rounded the corner in front of him, wiping his sweaty palms onto his shirt. This part was the biggest gamble of his masterplan — hoping that Lily would actually _listen_ when Remus asked her to stay there for a minute. Thanks to whatever gods there were, she seemed wholly distracted and was playing with her hair. _Must be some thoroughly engrossing daydreams._

He removed the cloak as soon as they were alone and made his move. She didn’t _need_ to find anyone else; couldn’t she see he was right here in front of her? _I’ve been here this whole time… just let me in._ But the sappiness could wait for another time. Evans didn’t ask him on a date, she asked him for a **fuck** , so that’s what he was going to give her. He was determined to show her what she’d been missing, show her what that random Muggle wanker couldn’t, shag her so good she’d see stars and scream out his name. _Merlin, it would be so hot to hear her moan it…_

He got her in the cupboard easily enough, stashing his lit wand up high on a shelf so he could see her. He wasn’t going to miss a second of this.

Her body was _so_ responsive to his touch — he’d never been able to make a girl come so quickly before. (And he knew Evans was not the type of girl who would indulge him by faking it. In fact, he was half-surprised she was as openly into their hookups as she was and not trying to hide just how much she loved having his fingers inside of her and his thumb on her clit.) He knew he was going to explode if he didn’t have her right then and there. It felt like she’d been teasing him, teasing _this_ , for **years.**

After she gave him the okay, it was finally the moment — he was finally going to _shag Lily Evans._ James tried not to think about how this was practically all he’d wanted since he was 13, tried not to think about how his girl was going to let him be _inside_ of her — _I mean, how lucky of a bloke am I that I’ll—_

 _Fuccckkkk, she’s tight,_ James internally cried as he screwed his eyes closed, trying with all his might not to get overwhelmed by the feel of her squeezing him deliciously. For a second, he thought he might just accidentally come on the spot, and how pathetically embarrassing would that be?! He had the girl he’d been obsessed with for years (begrudgingly or not) in his arms, wrapped around him, and he didn’t want to blow it. _Literally_. He couldn’t fuck this up; he had to make this the best shag of her entire life or she might just run away to the next guy. _Get a fucking grip, Potter._

Sirius had always crudely mentioned the difference between girls’ cunts. Whenever James and Remus would sigh disapprovingly (and Peter would perk up for more details), he’d double down in his assessment. ‘What? Girls always talk about dick sizes. Their junk is just as variable! It makes sense too… They come in all different sizes, shapes, and colors, _and_ ,’ his voice got louder as Remus rolled his eyes, ‘ _it’s not a bad thing_ — it’s just crazy how much of a difference you can feel during sex.’ James had never believed his best friend. There was _no way_ that you could feel if one pussy just felt better than another one. Brianna and Emmeline’s had felt pretty damn similar — **_awesome_** , but similar. Surely, it had to do with the scenario, or the feelings involved, or _something_ , if you could tell them apart. _Nope._ Lily Evans was just that blessed. Their bodies were made for each other — that was the only way he could explain it.

He’d imagined this moment countless times, and somehow it was still better. She was so warm, and so friggin’ wet, and—

_Crying?!_

As soon as he tasted her salty tears on her lips, he flew into a full blown panic. And just like that, she was shutting him out again… because he’d pulled out? What did she expect — she was _crying!_ Once again, he found himself at a complete loss over what the hell was going on. When he saw blood, he nearly lost it. _I swore I didn’t go that hard! Am I a fucking monster?!_ He couldn’t believe he’d hurt her. He prayed that maybe she was just on her period.

Then she said the word hymen and his world stopped. _No… but she wasn’t… she said… Muggle._ His brain short-circuited. He tried to wipe away her tears and she hit his hand. And then as he was still processing what had just happened, the fact that he had taken her virginity in a fucking closet like she didn’t deserve to have her first time be in a palace or on top of a unicorn or wherever the fuck girls fantasized about losing it, she slapped him.

He tried to think what he said that could have been so offensive that he deserved to be hit, but he was still recovering from the fact that she had lied to him. She had lied so he’d _leave her alone._ But now she was screaming about him thinking she was a slag ( _What?! When??)_ and everything was going up in bloody flames.

And then she stabbed him through the heart. She told him he meant _nothing_ to her. He was just a stick there to scratch her itch… and apparently not even a very good one at that.

He barely even registered when McGonagall busted them. He needed to get _out_. After he was out of sight, he donned his cloak once more and escaped to the Astronomy Tower. The air was so cool and fresh and it was easier to pretend like he wasn’t crying. _Get it together. You’re 16 years old. You’re the Quidditch Captain. You’re James fucking Potter._ He couldn’t go back to his room like this. He hated showing weakness; he’d already shown enough after his mum died. Besides, once he told Sirius Lily’s final line to him about being the school broomstick ( _I can say I asked her out again and she rejected me or something_ ), he knew his best mate would start laughing at him… and never stop. He’d probably make some quip about needing salve for that sick **burn**. He needed to make sure he was in a place where he could handle those types of jokes without punching a wall first.

He couldn’t believe they’d both lost it in that musky closet.

He wiped at his cheeks furiously as he looked out over the grounds glowing faintly in the light of the crescent moon. His thoughts were racing. _How_ had she lied to him about her virginity? She was right, it shouldn’t have been important, but it still _had_ been to him. It had come to signify the difference between their levels of affinity for each other. James couldn’t believe he’d been so badly devastated by something that hadn’t even been **_true_**.

He’d taken her virginity.

_What?_

It changed everything. He should have been euphoric about the new development, at least a little bit ( _she didn’t move on from me after all,_ _I_ _was her first time!_ ), but he was still too racked with guilt for how he’d gone about taking it. _No wonder she was crying… it must have hurt like hell._ He hadn’t been nearly gentle enough for what the situation required. James buried his face in his hands, _stupid, stupid git._ He wished he’d just have _known_. He would have done everything differently.

Worse still, he couldn’t believe that _he’d_ been the one who hadn’t waited for her. So many of his actions last year had been shaped by what she’d claimed in that idiotic game of Truth or Dare. He’d gone and had sex with a girl who meant nothing to him to get over the betrayal of her doing the same — _but she hadn’t._ They could have still had that little stupid fairytale moment, just the two of them, but in classic Potter fashion, he’d fucked it up. _Literally. Gone and fucked it right up._ She deserved so, so much better than this. Couldn’t she see that? _She must know that…_

He wondered if she’d known about Brianna. He doubted girls bragged about conquests the same way his mates did, so hopefully not. Then again, she did imply that he was a massive whore, so that had to come from somewhere.

He’d find a way to apologize tomorrow. He wasn’t exactly sure what he’d done wrong — at least knowingly — to make her freak out how she did, but obviously he’d offended her somehow. And he’d fucked up badly enough last year for her to have made all this shit up to keep him away in the first place. _She didn’t expect me to know she’d been lying to me, did she?_ Hopefully she’d accept his heartfelt ‘I’m sorry.’

☆☆☆ ****

She didn’t.

But before she could refuse his apology, he had to survive the dreaded morning after. Honestly, he kind of thought he’d have a little more time to prepare before interacting with her, but she ambushed Remus at breakfast, asking him to grovel for abandoning her on patrols the day before. How she wanted Remus’ sorry but refused to hear _his_ was infuriating. _It’s not fair._

Also, if Lily gave Remus too much shit for this… the guy may never help him out again. Soon, this became the least of his problems, because Evans pointed out that _Remus had gotten a new owl._ ** _Shit._** She could not find out that it had been him who’d been writing to her this summer! If she started describing Eros to the table, Sirius would definitely know the bird in question and probably blurt out it was his father’s, thereby incriminating James and—

 _Fuck._ He’d exploded Remus’ goblet through sheer terror. Of course Lily wanted to help him, but now was not the time for them to be alone together and continue this potentially highly disastrous conversation. _They’d_ _both_ _kill me if they found out…_ He had to remove Moony, and he had to remove him _right now_.

After sassing Lily away, James escorted Remus to the hospital wing, allowing Madam Pomfrey to properly admonish Remus for his klutzy behavior ( _sorry buddy_ ) before he slipped off to Charms. There he found Snape and Lily arguing on opposite sides of a desk. As soon as he heard her hollowly tell him to leave her alone, he knew he had to intervene. Snape had always been so gross and pushy around her; she didn’t deserve to have to deal with him. He slunk into the seat next to her, ready to tell Snivellus exactly where he could shove it, when he noticed she’d been crying. _What the fuck, stop, just please stop…_ He wasn’t sure how much more of her sadness he could bear.

Lily ran away, and James slowly turned back to stare at Snape, pure unadulterated hatred poring out of his eyes. “What did you say to her?” he growled.

“Fuck off, Potter,” the greasy git sneered back.

James stood up. “I mean this very seriously: you’ll stay away from her if you know what’s good for you.”

Snape looked like he was going to say something back but thought better of it when Flitwick entered the room from his office, giving them each a cheery, and totally oblivious, ‘good morning.’ Snape sulked off.

As soon as Marlene entered the class with her friends half a minute later, James spun her back around and pushed her towards the bathroom.

“What are you—?”

“Just make sure she’s all right,” he cut her off.

“James,” she moaned beyond exasperated. “What did you dooo?” Marlene planted her feet.

“Nothing.” James continued more vehemently due to her significant look, “Honestly! Snape said something to her. She looked really upset.”

Marlene rolled her eyes before pushing open the bathroom door. “Maybe she stubbed her toe again,” she mocked him.

She came out shortly afterwards, telling James that Lily was puking bile. He wondered if she’d eaten anything that morning. _Probably fucking not,_ he grumbled to himself. James sent a house-elf up to her dorm room with soup and crackers after Marlene had escorted her up.

☆☆☆ ****

McGonagall was surprised Lily showed for detention they’d gotten for shagging in the cupboard and, honestly, James kind of was too. She’d seemed in such a bad state before… _hell,_ he wouldn’t have shown if he was feeling that miserable.

He tried to tiptoe around why she’d been so upset today (of course Snape had given him nothing to go off of), but she didn’t trust him. She didn’t trust him so much that she accused him of **faking** his concern. Before he knew what was happening, they were fighting again, and he was angry… but why? _What does this witch_ _do_ _to me?!_

So he relented. He didn’t _intend_ to fight with her, he wanted to apologize for yesterday. So he did.

And now they were fighting again. ( _WTF?!?_ ) James was going to rip all his hair out before he ever understood this woman. He was trying, trying _so hard_ , why couldn’t she see that? Why couldn’t she meet him halfway? He was actually attempting to be a decent person here and she was flat-out rejecting it.

She admitted she only wanted him as a sex toy. He’d pretty much already gleaned that — but it still hurt so much more to hear her say it. As if the knife in his heart wasn’t bad enough, she twisted it, implying he liked to **hurt** women.

 _Who the fuck does she think I am?! How could she possibly think that of me? She_ _knows_ _me. We were friends once for Circe’s sake!_ He couldn’t even recognize who she was anymore. Had she become so jaded by depression and heartache that she now lashed out all the time, trying to bring down others with her? Did the sweet, kind Lily that he’d loved so dearly only exist in his head now? Was that girl gone?

_Does it matter?_

James guessed not. He still loved her even if she was a bitch now. He couldn’t help it.

☆☆☆ ****

James didn’t sleep that night, too consumed with the words Lily had shouted at him. She couldn’t actually hate him this much, could she? She couldn’t actually not care that she was breaking his heart… She had to be covering for her own suffering, right? There was no way any of this was real.

He needed answers.

The next day during his free period, half delusional and exhausted, he got out the his Invisibility Cloak and the Map to check if the girls’ room was currently unoccupied. Using the trick he and Sirius had discovered in 3rd year, he crept up the staircase and snuck in.

He’d been there before of course, but never unsupervised. A naughty thrill ran through him. He found Lily’s bed easily, not only was it the closest to the door, but it smelt of coconut. _What brand of shampoo does she use, for fuck’s sake?_ James knew he shouldn’t, but he was desperate — beyond desperate. This girl had shagged him, slapped him, yelled at him to do it again, then basically called him an asshole for not wanting to do it again unless it meant something. He **had** to know what the hell was going on with her.

He opened up one of her drawers… and found a gigantic box of condoms. “ _Fuuuck!_ ” James moaned, burying both his hands in his hair. She was dead serious then — she wanted to shag, _a lot._ “There’s like 100 in this pack,” he grumbled to himself reading the label: ‘Ribbed for Her Pleasure.’ _Well, at least she’s looking out for herself._ He turned over the box. It was unopened. James released a sigh he didn’t know he’d been holding in, like somehow she might have come back from detention yesterday and already had time to sleep with someone else. _Wait, if she has these, why didn’t we use one?_ James guessed they hadn’t really gotten around to the whole safe sex talk, rushing in full steam ahead in the heat of the moment. He knew he did a spell for himself ( _not that I ended up needing it…_ ) but he should probably teach her a few too. After all, it was Emmeline, his own little sex guru, who had taught him the STI-check spell. He kicked himself. _No James, you are_ ** _not_** _going to teach her spells so she can go shag other blokes, what is wrong with you?!_ It seemed like his pride and overprotective side were very much at odds over this. He shoved the box back so he could stop thinking about it.

His hands landed on a simple wooden frame with a picture of her parents inside. He remembered them vaguely… they’d brought Lily to his mum’s funeral. She’d always spoken of them so fondly when the two of them had been friends. He wished he had spoken to them more. He wished he could have met them under different circumstances, maybe as their daughter’s boyfriend in a situation where he wasn’t traumatized. His eyes took in their faces — she really was the best combination of both their features. It was like Merlin himself had seen his options and designed a masterpiece.

The red leather notebook he’d been looking for caught his eye, poking out of the drawer. James bit his lip — _I shouldn’t._ But that was the whole reason he was there… right? He’d seen her writing in that book while she was huddled by the lake for the past year. He knew full well what it was. He’d come to her room to take a peek inside Lily’s head. He’d come to read her thoughts and — _hopefully —_ figure this shit out. He couldn’t go back now; he had to know.

Checking the Map one more time, he sat on her bed, brought her diary onto his lap, and cracked it open.

The first thing he noticed was just how many tear-soaked pages there were. _Shit._ James flipped through them quickly, trying to ignore the squirming feeling in the pit of his stomach. _I have to, I have to, I have to…_ He figured he’d be a recent entry, so he looked for the last few pages. _She’s addressing these to Mary? Why isn’t she sending them? And—_ James froze, face blanching. She was describing losing her virginity… and too embarrassed to admit to who. _To her own diary?! Or to Mary?_ How bad must it be to not want to tell a **book** , a Merlin-damn book of her _thoughts_ , that she had shagged him? _What the fuck did_ **I** _do?!_

He snapped the diary back closed, having seen enough. He’d confirmed that she literally just wanted sex in order to feel something… and that she’d stop as soon as she got the ‘slightest hint’ that she was falling for him. So not only did she _not_ have any feelings for him, that seemed to be entirely the point. _Did she pick me because she thinks it’s impossible to fall in love with me?_ James’ heart sank. All that self-confidence the world frowned upon was nowhere to be found. He was almost ashamed by how much this revelation broke him. His mum hadn’t fought to stick around for him, his dad hadn’t fought to stay with him, and his girl — well, Lily Evans — had only shagged him because he was a dick ( _had a dick? Fuck, it doesn’t matter…_ ) He didn’t realize how badly he wanted to be loved until he’d seen Lily’s handwriting all but calling him an unlovable ‘jerk.’

His pity party made him miss that Dorcas was walking up the stairs until it was nearly too late. “Shit, shit, shit,” he muttered, frantically covering himself up with the cloak. In a blind panic, he threw Lily’s diary under her bed and ran to the door, ready to slip out as soon as Dor came in.

☆☆☆ ****

He was doing a pretty good job avoiding her, he truly was. Was he still thinking and dreaming and wanking to her? Yes, naturally, but those were innate functions really, couldn’t be stopped, even if he wanted to.

Then she showed up to his room. It was a ballsy move, especially considering he knew she and Sirius fought like siblings. _Huh, and would you look at that…? They both_ ** _hate_** _their actual siblings._ She asked if the two of them could have the room, and for a moment, James was taken back to last year… having asked the Marauders the same question so he could tell Lily how he couldn’t date her. _If only I hadn’t been such an_ _idiot_ _back then. Maybe everything could be… better._

But he had been an idiot then, so everything was just fucked. However, James was on to her now. He knew what she wanted and he refused to be used like that. He was a **man** , damn it: he had thoughts and feelings and more to offer than just his cock, and if she couldn’t see—

She was kissing him again. He knew she’d initiated before, but he wasn’t sure if it would ever stop flooring him. _No_ _. Be strong, James Potter, you can do this—_

She stripped off her robe and was standing before him in nothing but her underwear. The black fabric clung to her skin so snuggly it looked painted on, hugging her tits, displaying them to him so appealingly. Her breasts, oh her perfect, perfect breasts. He could write sonnets about them. He didn’t even know what the fuck sonnets were, but he’d learn, if only so his first one could be about Lily’s tits. _Lily Evans is standing before you in her bra and panties…_ he thought as his eyes roamed all over her gorgeous body. This was his wildest fantasy come to life: Lily coming to him and all but **begging** him to take her. In that moment, James realized he was fucked _(or was about to get fucked? Who knew they could come out to be one and the same?)_ because who on earth was expected to make rational, healthy decisions when _that_ was in reach?

Naturally he crumbled under her touch, letting her undress him, until she committed a cardinal sin — she reminded him it was ‘just sex.’ So, he had to lay down some ground rules. The first (that she call him James while shagging) was purely for fantasy purposes — he really, really wanted to hear her moan his name. The second (him getting to make love to her how he wanted to) was to right a wrong. She may not see that she deserved that special first time experience, but he still did. Besides, if they were really going to be having sex again ( _it was so cute that I thought I’d be able to resist her_ ), he may as well do it properly.

For a second, he thought his stipulations might have been just enough to scare her away… he should have been thrilled by that ( _I won’t get strung along! I will be able to keep a shred of my dignity!_ ) but of course he wasn’t. He was scared she’d actually walk away; his whole body tensed in anticipation as he focused with all his might at his magazine. He guessed he was a teenage boy, so the prospect of losing out on sex was quite devastating, even if it was the sensible option.

But it looked like she wasn’t going anywhere… and who was he kidding? He wanted her. He wanted all of her. _Maybe if I make this really good, she’ll see that?_ He kissed her with his entire being, cradling her head to him, trying to show her how much he cared for her. _She’s having sex so she can feel again… can’t she feel this?_ James hoped that he could bring her into this moment with him, make her feel what he did, so maybe, just maybe, he could fix things between them. He wanted so badly to make her whole again. Sure, it was an insanely grand task that one teenage boy couldn’t possibly be expected to complete, but he had to try, didn’t he? He owed her that much.

He told her she was beautiful, told her she was perfect, because to him, she _was._ To him she was everything. But she was fighting him. Every soft caress was met with a hard grind of her hips or angry scratch of her nails. The ugly beast inside of him roared in protest. _No… this is my fucking way, Evans._ He pinned her down, teased her clit until she started pleading for him, getting him so, so hard.

Then he **finally** got to taste her. It felt like a hit of the strongest drug on the market, flooding his tongue, and his veins, with the essence of her. He wanted to get lost in her — Floo her to some tropical island where it was just them, so he could have her on her back and be between her thighs on a beach until he could kiss and lap all her past trauma away. He’d spend the rest of his life making it up to her, just like this, if she’d let him.

She came for him, and James had to admit, he still felt rather good about getting her to do that. He couldn’t even remember if he’d ever made Brianna come. Surely, he must have right? Lily could try to hate him all she wanted, but he knew every orgasm would bring her just a little bit closer to him. _Doesn’t coming release crazy lovey-dovey hormones?_ Evans may be able to resist his charm, but could she resist biology? He sure hoped not. So yeah, he got a little cocky with her, getting lost in the prospect of finally fucking her right. She was eager and he was in control. This time when he pushed himself into her, he was watching her fully. Obviously, feeling her pussy accommodate to his cock felt heavenly, but seeing her pleasure, displayed so unabashedly on her beautiful face, was what was hitting him the hardest, getting him high. He was doing this to her; he was seeing her in a way no other person ever had before. He had sole claim to her sexual side. _She’s_ ** _mine_** _._

He wanted to see her eyes though. He knew he could see everything in her expressive eyes and he wanted to know how she was feeling. She tried to fight him on it, but eventually he was falling into her emerald irises, and _he knew,_ he just knew that she was experiencing the same feelings as him if only a little bit. He’d never felt so connected to another human being as right then and he wished they could stay like this forever. Just them. Just Lily and James, wrapped up in this moment with nothing to prove.

He traced her cheek, wanting to assure her that this was _good_ , she was safe with him, but she got scared and pushed him away all the same.

She ran away.

He sat there, looking sadly at his still raging erection. One of these days, she may let him come. Today was clearly not that day. He moodily ruffled his hair before slipping on a shirt and some pajama bottoms, ready to go take care of himself in the shower.

Sirius came back, asking him what happened, and James was so sexually frustrated that he couldn’t help but mention that she’d given him a _hard_ time. _Fuck, I need to go jerk off._ She’d left her bra and knickers on the floor, so he kicked them under his bed. He’d definitely be using those to get himself off again later.

Padfoot mentioned Lily had been hyperventilating by the door and James’ blood froze in his veins. _Shit._ He tried to act casual, but inside he was panicking. _Did I push her too far?_ He hadn’t meant to, but he knew that she didn’t trust that he genuinely cared for her. She’d yelled it at him in detention. Maybe she was pissed he’d let his ‘fake’ emotions for her seep out of him just now. _Fuck._

James agitatedly walked to the shower and let his hand please himself, pretending it was someone else’s — both smaller and softer.

☆☆☆ ****

James had to come up with a plan. If being too real had in fact scared her off, he’d have to rein it in a bit, just be his normal cocky self that wasn’t head over heels in love with her. Sirius had said that he acted completely differently around Evans… perhaps she just liked him for who he was. _Ha! Keep telling yourself that, mate._ Yeah, even James’ own conscience had to admit, that was a stretch.

Whatever it was, he had to see her as soon as possible to get a gauge on the situation. He had checked on the Map and seen that she was temping in the hospital wing…and that Poppy had just left. Now was his chance.

“Where are you going?” Sirius asked, lounging on his bed.

“Just… for a walk.” It was a terrible lie, but James hadn’t expected the question.

“Hold up, are you fucking someone new?” Sirius sat up giddily.

“No,“ James scowled, pulling on his shoes.

“Someone old then? Brianna?”

“ _No,_ ” James answered more convincingly.

“Okay, then who?”

James figured there was no point in lying to his best friend. He ignored that Remus was looking over to him curiously, and Peter a little enviously. “She doesn’t want anyone to know about us.”

“Ooo, kinky, secret sex. Nice going, Prongs.”

As Sirius laid back down, James was infinitely grateful that his friend’s motorcycle magazine must have been more enthralling than his sex life. He doubted this privacy would last forever though.

He walked over to the infirmary, breaking his finger along the way. He barely registered the pain, often breaking his fingers (accidentally) during Quidditch games or practice. Lily was there and she was adorable, clearly trying to remind herself not to lust over his body so obviously. _I knew wearing her favorite color was a good idea…_ James made a mental note to keep going hard during practice so he stayed in tiptop shape for her too.

She fixed his ring finger in a jiffy, holding his hand a little longer than she probably needed to. Then she confused him. She inferred that he was hooking up with multiple chicks, but then immediately powered on as though embarrassed, asking him about Quidditch and him being a Chaser. _She remembered._ He smiled, before he recalled that she’d broken her promise to come to one of his games… Despite his hurt, he still didn’t want to leave her hanging in her vulnerability. Even though it was human nature to have a decent recollection of things people had _told you,_ he knew that admitting to retaining such information was somehow a big act in and of itself. Of course he too remembered things from their first date (he remembered it all, but he’d go with one little tidbit for now), so he threw it out there. How could she look so confused that he remembered that she wanted to fly? All his sappiest daydreams (because he didn’t have to think about sex _all_ the time) involved taking her out on a broomride, having his arms around her while he showed off all his tricks and just wowing her socks right off. ( _Okay, fine, maybe her knickers too, and then they’d find a way to bang while flying, Ministry regulations be damned._ He often had to think about the absolute **badass** who had made this law of not fucking on brooms necessary… He hoped he’d get to shake their hand one day.)

But that was neither here nor there, because she got a far-off look in her eye over his admission and now he was terrified he’d done too much again. So he brought up sex — _you know, our neutral, safe topic._

Although she said not now, he was deeply relieved. She was still down for later. _She hasn’t found someone else instead…_

☆☆☆ ****

Course, maybe she was still on the prowl for someone better. In Potions class, Lily was partnered with Evan Rosier, the only boy in their year who could give Sirius a run for his money in the ‘pretty’ department ( _Padfoot’s words, not mine_ ). James bristled as he watched Lily take off her robe during the brew, revealing her short school skirt and too small button up. He thought she was into strong jaws on tall men, not pretty cheekbones and… _fuck!_ Rosier was trying not to react to the stimuli, but James was also a man, and he could tell that he totally was. Did Evans honestly not know the effect she had on women-loving people? Was she _truly_ this clueless? She was drop-dead gorgeous! That level of stunning came with _responsibilities,_ damn it! She couldn’t just wield her wiles all willy-nilly, someone would get hurt! ( _And it’s probably going to be me._ )

He accosted her after class, pretending he was angry because Rosier was a Death Eater ( _What? He very well might be. I have no proof that he is, but I also have no proof that he’s not…_ ) and not because he was another red-blooded male that he didn’t want Lily to get too close to. But she wasn’t folding; quite the opposite in fact: she was provoking him. She teased James about wanting Rosier instead and even threw in the word Mudblood — a term she _knew_ he hated — just to get him riled up. It was working… he already wanted to throw her into a wall and fuck her so good she’d just stop fighting with him already.

James pointed out how Rosier hating her meant nothing in the scheme of shagging — because she was fucking _him_ even though she hated him, right?

Then she dragged her finger down his lips and he lost all conscious thought. He wanted, no _needed,_ to fuck her, and he needed it now. Apparently one sexy touch while her eyes roamed his face suggestively was all it took. He indulged her in some witty banter, but he was running on autopilot, all his blood already traveling to his boner, imagining all the ways he wanted to take her. She finally got the hint and yanked him to a secret passageway he was so glad she remembered, shoving him into a wall. The thrill of her blatant desire for him was **_back_** _._ Her little declarations of hating him were falling on deaf ears now, because he was on cloud nine. She’d hauled his ass somewhere to fuck him, her pupils were blown out, her nipples hard as glass, and her breathing was erratic as hell — she could protest all she wanted, he knew something about him **_did_** it for her. Somewhere in the back of his mind, James registered that her effect on him, this yo-yoing of his confidence and self-worth depending on her random sexual whims, was textbook definition of toxic… but he couldn’t bring himself to give a single shit. He was a god again. Besides, he had to focus on this neck in front of him that he had to mark as his own, this body he had to explore every centimeter of, this witch he had to please or die trying.

So he played along with her little show of hating him as he slammed his cock into her, talking dirty in her ear while he held her up against the wall by her ass. She completely surprised him by taking control of their shag a little later though, working her body over him in a way no woman ever had before. _She_ was a verifiable goddess and he’d been reduced to her humble servant, propping her up in his arms so she could ride out her orgasm. He couldn’t help but stare at her with his mouth open, watching as she bit her lip and tossed back her head. He really shouldn’t be surprised: she was amazing at everything, why wouldn’t she already have mastered sex?

He was close, so fucking close, but he had to hold on for her; she had to come first. He whispered in her ear, imploring her to come with him and by some miracle, that pushed her over the edge so he could let himself go too.

Ecstasy didn’t even begin to describe the feeling of spilling himself into her for the first time. His thoughts went blissfully blank as he was reduced to a puddle of sensations, rendering him completely gone to the world, too wrapped up in _Lily, Lily, Lily_. His lips found hers of their own accord, and he wasn’t sure if he was thanking her for giving him sweet release ( _because thank you, thank you,_ ** _thank you_** ) or if he just wanted to feel close to her or what. All he knew was in those first few seconds of recovery, while their foreheads were touching and he was sweeping kisses over her cheeks and nose, he felt like he was home. It was a strange feeling, but not an unwelcome one.

Predictably by now, she retreated back into herself like they hadn’t just come together a minute ago, like they hadn’t just shared the most intimate moment ever. He tried tucking some of her hair behind her ear, but when she flinched, he decided not to push his luck with another kiss. After all, he’d seen what he wanted: no guy she’d hook up with in at least a week wouldn’t know that he’d been there first. As it turned out, her lily-white skin took to hickeys _very_ well.

☆☆☆ ****

James had been expecting Lily to call out his sucky behavior in Care of Magical Creatures, _or COMK as Pads so affectionately calls it,_ but he hadn’t anticipated her tender side.

He really hated Thestrals. Why would students need to be reminded of seeing their loved ones take their dying breaths? He refused to go back to that moment in Mungo’s, seeing his mum frail and emaciated from having been unable to keep food down for weeks. It had made him rather sensitive to food topics and girls who refused to eat even though their bodies could still process sustenance and wouldn’t just reject it like his mother’s had. He wanted to remember his mother as the happy, sassy, vibrant woman she’d been. The woman who’d been first in line to take the mickey out of her own son, but always got away with it because she loved him so much.

Lily’s hand was up, indicating that she could see them too. Of course it was; he’d heard she’d been in the accident with her parents. They’d been in some sort of Muggle contraption that had malfunctioned. No one deserved to have this pain. It was the first time James hated that they had something in common.

He knew he needed a distraction, so he hoped she did too. He teased her about covering up the hickey. She joked with him, but he could feel her gaze on him too, hot and heavy. He figured he might as well be honest and apologize for not being there for her like she was for him. She’d never know it, but _she_ had gotten him through his mother’s death. Sirius had been grieving too, and his dad had abandoned ship, but Lily was his rock. He could never repay her for the kindness she’d shown him then. _And then you didn’t even go to her parents’ funeral._ Sure, he hadn’t known about it, but that was his fault for no longer being someone she could confide in, wasn’t it?

The moment felt so poignant, and she looked so sad, and he really wanted to hold her hand. Being careful not to scare her off again, he settled for linking pinkies. She let him.

☆☆☆ ****

October was the best month of James’ life. He really felt like he had a girlfriend. Sure, she hated him, but still; Lily was like his spiteful, angry little girlfriend right now, so he’d take it. He and Lily had fallen into a wondrous pattern of fucking just about every time they felt like it. In the halls, in deserted rooms, in his bed… never in her bed though. She didn’t know he knew how to get past the girls’ staircase and he was afraid to go in her room ever since he’d read her diary. He didn’t want to deal with the shame that _that_ past action dredged up.

Possibly the worst part was not being able to tell anyone. James wanted so badly to shout from the rooftops, yell and scream for all to hear, that he was _finally_ shagging Lily Evans, and if he could do that, please, just go follow your dreams! Anything is possible if you try hard enough! But obviously this wasn't a viable option: firstly because he was pretty sure no bird would want to shag a loony bloke, but also, she'd made it pretty clear that he had to keep his trap shut. And he sure as hell wasn't trying to ruin this.

He learned a great many things over those weeks. The first of which was Lily was fucking _loud_. He loved it, and it made him feel like more of a man than he ever thought possible, but it also meant he had to learn how to perfect his muffling spell ASAP. There were only so many times you could get away with covering a witch’s mouth as she came before she started taking it personally. Second thing James learned was Lily had a birthmark on her upper thigh right before her apex. He guessed he’d been a little too nervous or preoccupied the first time he ate her out to properly notice it. He’d deny it if it was ever brought up, but James _worshipped_ that little beauty spot, making sure to kiss it whenever he was down there. To him, it was his and Lily’s body’s little secret — they were the best of friends even if Lily didn’t acknowledge this fact yet. Every time he saw it, he felt like it was his own personal little victory. The last major thing he learnt was that pretending to fight with James seemed to be very important to Lily’s foreplay. It was almost like she was building up her body’s permission to indulge in his. As if being super heated somehow excused the egregious sin of wanting to fuck him silly. James no longer minded this because things seemed to be going well between them. She could pretend to hate him all she wanted; he could still tell they were growing closer. The fact that she _had_ to push him away when he tried to initiate post-sex cuddles or openly walked away when he told truly hilarious jokes had to mean something, right? He’d get there… and in the meantime, he might as well enjoy the ride. The beautiful, sweaty, bumpy, toe-curling ride.

He had a few hiccups along the way though too. One day when he was particularly horny (she’d absolutely nailed the new spell in Charms and then confidently flipped her hair over her shoulder like it was nothing), he tried dragging her into his room, but she refused him saying she was on her period. James had given her his most dashing smile.

“So? Why don’t we just do it in the shower then?”

“What?” Lily had asked nonplussed.

James shrugged. “I don’t mind a little blood if you don’t.” He leaned into her ear. “We can just pretend it’s your first time all over again.”

Apparently it had been _waaaaay_ too early to joke about that. Luckily, Lily’s periods seemed to be mercifully short, so they were back at it in no time. James had to admit that he spent a little extra time studying the Map during those few days, just to make sure that the whole period thing wasn’t a secret cover to find a new fuck-buddy. (It wasn’t. Unless she was having a tawdry affair with his cousin.)

Another time, he’d been shagging her in his bed and tried to lift one of her legs up high on his shoulder to deepen the penetration as he leaned into her, but that hadn’t gone over well either.

“ _Ow!_ What the hell are you doing?” she practically snarled beneath him.

James looked down to where their bodies were clearly merged. “Lily, I think it’s quite obvious I’m fucking you.”

“No, _genius,_ with my leg!” She applied pressure so her calf was pushing his shoulder back. “It doesn’t go that far.”

James’ hand came up to grab her ankle, kissing it quickly before he could overthink it. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not that flexible, that’s what I mean.”

“Lily…” James said all too seriously. “When’s the last time you stretched?”

“James,” Lily mocked, squeezing his cock inside of her with her pelvic muscles as her own little nod to why she was using his first name. He tried stifling his resulting moan, but the grin on her devilish face told him she’d definitely caught it. “Not everyone is a jock. Normal people don’t just stretch.”

“What?” James exclaimed. “Of course they do!” He considered her. “Or they really should.” He pulled himself out of her so he could devote his attention to pushing Lily’s outstretched leg forward.

Lily groaned, both from her straining hammy and the sudden lack of James’ substantial length inside of her. She regarded him skeptically. “Are we really doing this?”

James put down her leg and picked up her other one by the ankle, dropping into full Quidditch Captain mode as he supported her knee. “100%. It’s for your own good and longevity, Lils. No one likes a crippled grandma.”

Lily smiled. James thought it was probably because she couldn’t run away. _I really am hilarious if you’re forced to stick around for the punchline._

Obviously, there were a lot of things that James knew he was doing right too. One hookup, after spending adequate time on his knees, eating her out while her fingers were clutched in his hair egging him on, he stood up and spun her around. She seemed confused at first, but his thumb reaching around for her clit and his lips on her earlobe made her come around to the new position. If she didn’t know how much he cared for her before, she should have figured it out by the fact that he agreed to accompany her all the way out here to bone under his cloak on this cold-ass day. He eased himself into her against the beech tree, and watched as she snapped off a branch in front of her, gulping for air.

“Talk to me,” she moaned, arching her back as he kept up his slow rhythm in and out of her. It was a nice change from her usual ‘shut up’s.

James was so startled by her abnormal request, he almost didn’t know what to say. Almost. “I love it when your thighs quiver against my cheeks when my tongue dips inside of you,” he panted softly. Lily gasped so he knew he was onto something. “I love how you start creaming extra hard when I use my fingers to please you while I suck on your clit,” his voice rasped in her ear.

“ _James_ …” her tone was reproving, biting on her lip, but her body was telling him she was close again. He brought his free hand up to tease one of her breasts through her clothes.

“I love how badly your body _wants me_ even when you pretend it doesn’t,” he growled, making her fingers dig into the bark on either side of her face, needing to claw into something. James grinned to himself satisfied.

As if to argue his point (he didn’t know how it was a rebuttal, but hey, if it made her feel better, go right ahead), she started pushing her hips back onto him, now the one in control of just how far his cock went inside her. He braced himself against the tree over her shoulder. “You _wish_ , Potter.”

He came soon after; her thrusts were actually a lot harder and deeper than his had been. _Whatever, I’ll let her have her denial._ That night during an encore session (she was truly insatiable), Lily instated a rule about him not talking which James found quite hypocritical since _she’d asked him to speak_ by the lake _,_ but alas. Lily had to figure out Lily he supposed.

He was very glad he’d insisted on a safe word though. He was doing the best he could, but Lily’s moans of approval, and moans of ‘ow-you-just-thrusted-a-little-too-deep’ were _insanely_ similar, and it gave him great peace of mind knowing she could let him know the difference. This proved especially important after she revealed that sometimes she liked it rough. James nearly _died._ This witch was going to kill him. He started pinning her down a little more after this, holding her wrists or pulling on her hair, and she fucking responded _well._ James honestly wasn’t sure if he could even **handle** this new development. There had to be a catch to him living out his teenage wet dreams, there just _had to be._ He honestly kind of wanted to try tying her up, but he wasn’t sure if that was the kind of shit she’d be into, and he didn’t know if it was his place to even ask. He’d never done anything like that before, but he figured you had to have some level of established trust that he didn’t think they quite had yet. _You already have it so good mate… why risk it?_ He did however learn a lubing spell so that things could still run smoothly whenever she practically jumped him and wanted it right then and there with no preamble. It was days like those that made him wonder if it maybe wasn’t _just_ her body that craved him.

Like clockwork, as if he was now radiating a happy, satisfied man energy, other women started flocking to him. Sirius had pointed out this phenomenon to him before, having dubbed it: the happy bird dilemma. Sirius said that if you were happy with a girl, other girls sensed it and would come out of the woodwork to test your resolve. James was amused, considering there wasn’t a single other girl out there that could sway him away from Lily, but it was still crazy to witness. Sarah, a fit 7th year Ravenclaw who he was pretty sure had _never_ talked to him before, approached him after lunch one day and asked him to walk her to her Charms lecture. Padfoot raised his eyebrows, pretending not to eavesdrop, but James knew he was lazily trying to figure out who James had been secretly shagging.

“Sure,” James told her, taking her proffered books for her. She flirted her little heart out with him along the way, asking him if he had any plans for the next Hogsmeade date right outside Flitwick’s door. “We’ll see,” James answered, handing her books back and giving her a sly smile. “Enjoy class.” He gave her a wink and walked off. _Well, good to know I’ve still got it._

☆☆☆ ****

But then came the great coat incident of ’76. Remus walked into the common room one especially frigid day smelling fresh and outdoorsy with his cheeks fully flushed. He made a beeline for James. “Prongs, I need to talk to you.” He looked timidly excited.

James closed his book. “Okay, about what?”

“Lily actually.”

James tilted his head. He hadn’t told the Marauders anything… so it couldn’t be about their new fling. “K?”

“Look, so I was just with her at the lake, and we were talking, and I may have—”

“Moony!” Sirius had just ambled in and James wasn’t even mad he’d interrupted. He wasn’t sure that he could handle where this conversation was headed. Had Lily made a move on Remus? The past few weeks had been amazing for him, but maybe they weren’t enough for her. Maybe she was ready to try someone new to help her feel. James’ mind raced as his heart tanked. He recalled Remus and Lily’s kiss at her best friend’s request, how she’d opened up to Remus this summer, and how she’d still been _his_ friend last year despite everything. Maybe she’d gotten her dick fix and was ready for someone who was more boyfriend material… James couldn’t help but crumble to the sadness of wondering if he’d been used. He felt like he owed Brianna an apology. If Lily had shagged him to get experience just like he’d used Brianna, he’d be _crushed._

James was already hating himself for how jealous he was of one of his **best** friends. What kind of asshole got jealous of their friends? James prided himself on what a good and loyal mate he was. Yet now looking back at Remus’ giddy excitement approaching him only a few minutes ago — probably to tell him that Lily had confessed her true feelings for him, and how he couldn’t deny his crush any longer, and how they were going to run away together, and _please, Prongs please can we have your blessing?_ — all he felt was throbbing jealousy coursing through his veins.

_You’re the worst._

Remus kept throwing James tentative looks as Sirius dominated the group’s conversation, like he really, _really_ wanted to talk to him, but James was still festering — a bubbling pot of water, ready to boil over.

Lily came in a few minutes later… and gave Remus back his coat. _Snap. Crackle. Pop._ Sirius made a joke about them hooking up and James nearly choked on his own tongue over the color their cheeks had turned. _They’re definitely into each other._ James’ jealousy morphed into seething and he only looked at her when she stormed off for her staircase.

Remus pulled him aside shortly after. “What the hell was that?!”

 _Jeez, he’s awfully protective for someone who just started seeing her, what, two hours ago?_ Couldn’t have been much longer than that, **they** had banged after Potions earlier that morning. “Congrats,” James grumbled, refusing to look his friend in the eye childishly.

“On what?”

“You and Lily. That’s what you wanted to tell me, isn’t it?” He tried and failed saying in a neutral tone.

“What? No, you idiot, I was going to tell you that I think she really likes you!” James’ eyes snapped up to Remus’ just in time to catch his eye roll. “Or at least she did… before what you just said.”

 _Fuck._ James hoped Remus was right, about Lily liking him, but of course it was hard to let go of his jealous suspicions now that they’d taken root in his soul. “What I say again?”

“‘What could I possibly have to be jealous of?’ after Sirius implied that… the two of us were together,” Remus finished sheepishly.

 _Oh right. The complete opposite of everything I’m feeling._ “Shit.”

“Yeah, _shit_ indeed,” Remus grumbled.

“Well why didn’t you tell me!” James exclaimed.

“I was trying to!”

“Fuck!” James’ hand flew into his hair. “Why do you think she likes me then? What she say?”

“No, I’m staying out of this now. Look what a mess things become when I get involved.”

“Oh come on, Moony, please! I’m dying here.”

“No,” Remus said solemnly. “Talk to her. If you’re old enough to shag, you’re old enough to have a grown-up conversation about your feelings, Prongs.” He gave him a significant look as he walked away.

Only one thought registered with his words: _She told Moony we’re fucking?!_ That wasn’t good. Suddenly all his insecurities flooded right back in.

☆☆☆ ****

That night, James lured Lily down to the common room using a Snitch and the trick staircase. He really was so crafty sometimes, wasn’t he? All he could think as she lay at his feet spreadeagled in her fuzzy pajamas was how damn cute she looked. But **no** , he was on a mission: _find out once and for all if Evans fancies my mate. And if she does, I need to cut this off right now because I can’t get hurt like that, and my Merlin, it would probably kill me, but maybe (possibly) one day (far, far off) I could be happy for them, but, fucking hell woman, just put me out of my misery now and — shit._ She was running away again.

This time when he forced her back down the stairs, he made sure to capture her securely in his arms. He nearly melted when she leaned into his embrace, resting her head on his shoulder, instead of fighting him. It was just a hint of the intimacy he longed for, right here, in his arms…

 _Focus._ He started asking her about Remus. These questions had been plaguing him for a **year** ( _a bloody soddening_ _year_ ), so now that he’d started, he really couldn’t stop. They all spilled out in a jumble overwhelming her. She was about to leave him again, so he let a bit of his own vulnerability in the moment slip through… but she still wasn’t giving him an answer as to whether she fancied Remus of not.

Then she told him she found Remus ‘cute.’ The word taunted him, having been the exact same he’d just used to describe her in his head. He knew the weight that adjective could carry coming from the right person. Lily thought her and Remus were _compatible._

All thoughts of stepping aside and being happy for them flew from his mind. _No. This girl is_ ** _mine_** _._ He stalked towards her, determined to make her see it. He caged her against the wall and watched as her body came alive before him, her breathing, her pupils, her nipples — _everything_ reacted. And it only made him that much more horny. Her hands rested on his forearms, clamping down tightly. He played with her breasts because _he could_ , he fingered her because _he could_ , her hands moving to his hair being all the permission he needed. She was so fucking wet for him. _Don’t toss me aside._

He made her tell him that she didn’t want his best friend, getting it out of her in the only way he currently knew how to get her to do anything: sexual tension. He was lightly tracing her skin how she liked, but going _hard_ against her clit like she craved, and she said it. Lily wanted **him** , not Moony.

 _Good._ That was exactly what he wanted to hear. He was still kind of mad at her though. She’d gone and confided in Remus, _again_ , but not him who was begging for her trust. Him who’d literally do anything she’d ask, _if she just let him._ Him who was yearning to turn this relationship into something more than strictly physical. Maybe it was about damn time to show her what it felt like to be denied what she truly wanted. It was her turn to be left out of the loop, not knowing what the fuck was going on.

Yes, walking away from Lily (with the taste of her on his tongue thanks to his finger that had just left her cunt), while she panted and threw him desperate daggers with her lustful eyes, was a great feeling. That image alone would be fantastic to masturbate to in the comfort of his own bed.

He felt like he had really sent her a message that day. He was sure she’d received it loud and clear.

☆☆☆ ****

 _Nope. No she did not._ It seemed like Lily was going fully in the other direction, flirting with everything that moved. At first, he thought that maybe she was just extra horny, but after she slapped Padfoot’s ass _right_ in front of him, he knew she was doing this shit on purpose. The flirting that bothered him the most though, was what she did with Adam.

“Hey, what do you know about Paxton?” James asked Sirius in DADA as he tried **not** looking at a giggly Lily sitting a few rows in front of them.

“Head Boy?”

“No, that one.” James nodded his chin to Adam

“Um… not that much. The kid’s quiet, no? Mostly keeps to himself. Why?”

James scratched his cheek. “Nothing. I just don’t trust him.”

Sirius studied the boy in question. “Well, Evans sure seems to think he’s funny, doesn’t she?” He snorted. “Poor Moony.”

James took a deep breath. _Fuck my life._

This statement became even more applicable when Lily and Adam were partnered together for their big group presentation. James accidentally tripped Adam to the ground while they were leaving the classroom later.

☆☆☆ ****

She was ignoring him. She was full on being a little _brat_ and not even looking his way anymore. _What the fuck, are we 13 again?_ This type of behavior was beneath her, even if it was highly effective at pissing him off — _come on!_ He’d wanted her to realize just how good they were together, not prove how much she didn’t need him for fuck’s sake.

So now he was resorting to playing dirty. He knew she was a sucker for his muscles, possibly as visual of a creature as he was, so he showed them off every chance he got, especially amused by just how much she drooled over his forearms. (He _loved_ her absolute lack of poker face.) The immature part of him wished to tell her that they were this toned in the first place because of _her_ , or at least what the thought of her had done to him for years.

He’d crack her eventually he decided confidently. _It’s only a matter of time._

Although, even James couldn’t have guessed just _how much_ he’d crack her at Slughorn’s Halloween party. He knew she was rather partial to his abs, always kissing, pawing, and generally adoring them every time they shagged, so naturally the costume he wore had to be shirtless and easy. The expression on her face when she saw him made all his efforts (and workouts) worth it; he could have been wearing a paper bag over his face and she still might have wanted him. ( _Actually, she may want me more then, and perhaps that is the problem._ )

 _Fuck she looks great in white._ He had no idea what her costume was supposed to be though… just perfect goddess of a human being? _Ah, she forgot it was Halloween._ A thrill shot through him at being able to save the day, or at the very least _fix_ something, for her. As a little nod to their Transfig lesson together, he gave her a cat tail and ears. She looked furious, but **so** adorable. He felt like an utter arse though after he ripped her dress for the tail hole and she started worrying about how much the dress had cost. _Stupid, impulsive Potter, never thinking anything through…_

He was still able to get her all hot and bothered before he entered the party though, so he’d consider their whole interaction a win. From the corner of his eye, he watched her fluffy white tail swish and flick the entire time, loving just how riled up she was, unable to keep her eyes off him. But he’d decided she had to approach him. His ego was bruised and you know what? Coming to him and asking for him back was the very least she could do.

But then Paxton approached her, and out the window flew _that_ plan. James nabbed her away and took her to the Room of Requirement. _The traitorous, rude, embarrassing, damn Room of Requirement._ All he’d asked for in his head as he paced in front of the would-be door was a ‘small, romantic space where I can seduce Lily,’ and what he got was a Merlin-damn heart shaped doorknob, mocking the living shite out of him. _Well played, Room. Well played._ He guessed while he could fool Lily about the extent of his feelings for her, Hogwarts castle was friggin’ on to him.

But of course, she’d somehow seen all the candles and rose petals and thought: ‘sex dungeon.’ _A bloody_ _sex dungeon_ _._ How someone could be **so** smart and yet so clueless was beyond him. Like, he realized she was very skeptical, and perhaps even a little repelled by romance, but _come on! There are ROSE PETALS, Evans! What else could that mean?!_

 _Whatever_. He was getting back his girl tonight. No more childish games. He started touching her and watched fascinated as her body acquiesced. She all but ripped his few articles of clothing off and he smirked. _Don’t forget it, Evans. You’re mine. You’ll always be mine._ He had gotten the girl, no one else. He had.

Then _she_ started talking dirty to him in a way in which she never had before. He felt his cock twitch at the word ‘pussy’ rolling off her tongue. To be honest, in all those years of picturing them shagging, _this_ had been more how he imagined it going… Lily in total control while he just went along for the ride, happy as a tree blowing in the wind. She mounted him, and it was like she was a woman possessed, teasing and manipulating his body just where she wanted it. She used his cocky lines back on him, and he didn’t hate it, they looked better on her anyway. Well, everything looked good on her, but this _especially_ so. As she finally sat down on his cock, he let his eyes feast on her. Her hair on fire was thrown over her shoulders out of her face so he could see the intense, closed-eye look of concentration there. Her arms were bracing against his chest, pressing her tits together to make the most appealing valley he’d ever seen in his life. Her waist dipped before widening to the sexiest of hips, perched upon his own, about to do all the hard work of riding him. She was a queen.

He grabbed for her hands, interlocking their fingers in an effort to bring them closer. He couldn’t help it, she looked like she was having such a good time, riding _his_ dick, having _him_ inside of her, and he just wanted to remind her that the rest of him was still down here too, lest she forget. But when he squeezed her hands and she locked eyes with him, she nearly lost it, and not in the good way he’d intended. Suddenly, her mad yelps and cries stopped and she froze, clamming up, as though she’d somehow been reminded just what they’d been in the middle of doing… _Or maybe who she’s doing it with?_ James pushed this depressing thought out of his mind. _This won’t do._ James leaned her forward over him so he could buck his hips up into her. They were on the cusp of something, James knew they were. If only they finished strong, finished _through_ the freakout, maybe she’d be forced to come to terms with the fact that their relationship was starting to mean something. Perhaps she’d realize that it was deeper and more monumental than she’d originally planned for it to be and _that was okay._

It felt different to him at the very least.

She was so damn into this angle, and her enthusiasm alone nearly did him in, but _no._ He was determined to get her there tonight; he had to last. He gritted his teeth, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have her tits bouncing right in his face to contend with. Luckily, soon she was positively screaming, her fingers drawing blood on his pecs, and her walls clenching and relaxing around him, making loud, wet squelching noises. He let out a strained groan — he could finally let himself _come._

When Lily tied up his arms and legs, he thought maybe he already had and then died from the immensity of it and that this was heaven. In what other scenario would Lily Evans be tying him to a fucking bed?

 _Oh. In the scenario where she wants me to suffer in the cruelest and most unusual of ways._ James was pretty sure this was a war crime. How had she even _learnt_ this shit?! He was so close that one light breath on his cock would probably have gotten him there but she was dragging her fingers everywhere else. _WHAT THE FUCK._ James wanted to curse, hell, he may even have wanted to cry, so insanely, painfully erect. Fuck, he’d finish himself off, if only she just released his arms from these ropes…

Despite his throbbing dick taking over most of his conscience, there was still room for a pang of something else. Disappointment: here he was, bringing her to a room with floating candles and hearts and… she was back to playing games. It was probably his fault… he had started the games, but still; it kinda sucked.

“Don’t fuck with me, James.”

…

…

…

 _Nevermind._ Nothing sucked and everything was awesome because, _holy fucking shit,_ she could fuck with him however she damn well pleased and he’d kiss her feet and thank her for stepping on his face. _I don’t know!!_ Seeing Evans like this was the biggest aphrodisiac he’d ever encountered in his very lucky life and his brain had been reduced to absolute mush. He watched her leave after tapping his ropes to release him in three hours. _Fuck._ James spent that time seeing if just reliving Lily wholly dominating the crap out of him could give him the release he so desperately needed. (It couldn’t, but it was a very fun effort.) He experimentally tugged on his restrains, all his muscles rippling, even though he knew it was pointless… Evans knew her magic. He also knew being rescued by his friends was out of the question because this room didn’t show up on the Map… It was a blessing and a curse because he wasn’t sure he’d ever live down being discovered like _this._

As soon as he got control of his hands back, he rubbed one out so quick, he may have set a new personal record. _Fucking finally,_ he sighed as he cleaned himself up.

Just as James had predicted, as soon as he returned to his room, Sirius practically jumped down his throat despite the crazy time of night.

“Okay! I’ve been super _respectful,_ but enough is enough! Who the fuck are you shagging!?”

James rolled his eyes, sidestepping him so he could go to bed, utterly spent. “Padfoot—”

“Don’t lie to me! I know where you must have been!“

“Pads.” Sirius looked at him eagerly as he took a dramatic pause. “I’m not going to tell you.”

Sirius threw a pillow roughly at James’ face. “You suck.” His face split into a grin. “Or…. she does?”

 _Huh. She hasn’t yet actually._ James groaned as he closed his bed’s curtains. Now Lily on her knees sucking him off with the same mischievous glint in her eye that she’d had when she’d tied him up was all he could think about.

☆☆☆ ****

The next morning, James sat down for breakfast with the girls to get a read on the situation. She seemed surprised to see him ( _What? Was she expecting me to still be tied up?_ ), but then to his great amusement… she mentioned him _shagging_ a _professor._ This was twice now that she’d brought up him flirting with Stone. She was jealous… and he loved it. He could use all the indications that she fancied him more than she was willing to admit that he could get.

Later that weekend, while the lads went down to the Shrieking Shack for Remus’ transition, James donned his Invisibility Cloak and told them he’d be there soon. Naturally, Remus knew what he was going to do, having been the dolt to sign up for a patrol with Lily during a bloody full moon, but he didn’t say anything. James wondered why he’d been so careless this time. James usually had to cover for his patrols on days _near_ transformations, not _during_ it. It wasn’t like he could very well be in two places at the same time.

He considered skipping it and just going to his friends, but things had been getting steadily worse at the castle. Not only were people throwing around the M-word like it was nothing anymore, but he’d seen more than one Slytherin leering at Lily this year, eyeing her grotesquely while whispering to their friends. He didn’t like it — not one bit. He felt like he was just starting to get Lily back; he wasn’t about to lose her again. Why tempt fate?

So he tagged along on the patrol unbeknownst to her. If all went well, she’d be none the wiser… and if not, well. They’d cross that bridge when they got to it.

For a horrifying moment, James thought Lily was about to go outside when he saw her staring at the lake for far too long — _during a full moon, is she mental? —_ so he threw a stray pebble behind her, jumping her out of her reprieve. He regretted it almost immediately when she followed the noise… and was accosted by Avery.

James wanted to punch him in his ugly fucking face. _Who dares do that to women? Who dares to even_ _talk_ _to them this way?!_ James’ wand was outstretched under his cloak, pointed straight for Avery’s heart, probably lifting the cloak so that his shoes were visible, but the pair didn’t notice. They were too busy staring each other down with the most disgusted expressions.

When Lily’s face slowly started turning purple and her hands shook, he knew he had to do _something_ to help her. He was worried she was about to have a panic or straight-up heart attack. He tried whispering her name, trying to calm her down subtly, but he didn’t think she heard him.

But then she did the _dumbest_ thing he’d ever seen _anyone_ do: she pocketed her wand and turned her back to Avery. As he defensively hexed the Slytherin for her, he didn’t know if his anger was directed towards him or her. _What was she thinking?! Will she ever take her own wellbeing fucking seriously?!_ He turned to her, ready to give her a piece of his mind once and for all.

She slapped him again.

She was yelling at him, unrestrictedly **screaming** , calling him a stalker and a creep, almost verbatim every word he’d ever worried he was. He tried backpedalling, he tried reminding her about how they could make a new rule, and how he’d happily relinquish control back to her, but she wasn’t having it. She saw him. All this time, James thought the reason Lily didn’t like him was because she just didn’t know the real him, and if she’d only give him a chance… Turned out it was the opposite. She knew _exactly_ who he was… and _that’s_ why she hated him.

There was a small moment there where she softened slightly and he thought he might have a shot at redemption, but she figured out it wasn’t the first time that he’d followed her with the cloak. It wasn’t like he could just come out and say that he’d done it because he was scared about her abusive foster parents without admitting he’d noticed after finding her… after impersonating Remus…

So she needed space.

Moony absolutely wrecked him when he finally made it to his friends and transformed with them. He just wasn’t in the mood to defend himself anymore.


	35. Let Me Love You

**_The Next Day, 6th Year_ ** ****

As the next day was Padfoot’s birthday, James got _trashed._ Of course it had nothing to do with his current standing with Lily Evans. _Nope, absolutely nothing to do with that_. He was trying so hard not to think of her, and where she was and what she was doing if she wasn’t at this party… or the fact that she never showed. Naturally, this led to him feeling like a shite best mate for not being present in the moment, so he drank more… He was a mess.

Lily wasn’t healthy for him and he should probably stay away from her. ( _And Firewhiskey is very, very good for me and it’s yummy and I should drink some more._ )

The next morning was a bit of a struggle. Okay, a _lot_ of a struggle. James had never been more grateful for his own charm than when he had to make his presentation on Dementors with Sirius. He could tell Stone knew they were hungover, but her sly wink as they sat back down told him she didn’t mind it one bit. _She’s an awfully cheeky professor, isn’t she?_

When Lily and Adam did their lesson on the Imperius Curse, he stiffened. She was clearly floundering a bit herself, but it seemed more emotional than physical. She kept shooting Adam these dumb, thankful smiles. _Fuck them,_ he thought royally pissed off.

But then shit got weird: Stone was preparing to demonstrate _Imperio_ on Lily. They locked eyes and panic overtook him. _No… don’t do that to her! Her best friend got_ Imperio _ed, this is so fucked up!_ But before he could do anything, Stone had Lily dancing and spinning and— James gasped loudly — _doing the splits!_ He knew she wasn’t that flexible.

“Stop,” he croaked getting to his feet. “Professor, stop!” _Can’t she see she’s in pain? Can’t she see Lily’s eyes are wet?!_ James stood frozen, pure hopelessness rooting him to the spot as he babbled uselessly in protest. All he could see was Lily hurting and he could think of absolutely nothing to do to stop it. He was pretty sure this sight, this feeling, was his new worst fear.

Suddenly, Sirius jumped to his feet beside him, eyes locked with Lily’s right before he sent a powerful hex straight into Stone’s arm. James took a huge gulp of air as Lily collapsed onto the floor, the spell broken. _Why didn’t I think of that? Why didn’t I_ ** _do_** _anything?!_ Padfoot cursed out the teacher and dragged Lily out of class while James continued to stand there transfixed. He wasn’t sure if there was a worse curse in the world than _Imperio_ ; it seemed like the most dangerous one of all.

When he finally got his wits about him after watching the whole class all but turn on Stone, he stormed right out the door and to McGonagall’s classroom. She looked like she was going to reprimand him for interrupting her lesson with the third years, but stopped when she saw the mad look in his eyes. He didn’t consider himself a snitch, but he told her everything. Stone had crossed a line, and if McGonagall didn’t do something about her… well, let’s just say, he thought 16 was a bit too young to consider murder. Her face turned just as livid as he hoped it would by the end of his recount.

With that out of the way, James used his two-way mirror to ask Sirius how everything was going in the hospital wing. He would respect her wish for space from him (after all, not respecting her boundaries had gotten him into this whole, big mess in the first place) as much as it killed him to not go see her himself; but she’d be stupid if she thought she could stop him from at least getting an update on her health.

Apparently everything was being healed nicely and Padfoot was going to stay with her as long as he was allowed. _Good man._ There was no one he trusted more to guard her when he wasn’t around than Padfoot. And who knew… maybe Pads’ desire to keep her safe meant his girl and his best mate could finally get along. _She’s not your girl. She wants nothing to do with you, remember?_ he had to remind himself begrudgingly. James decided he’d drink the leftover booze from the party that night.

He was hiccuping by the time Sirius came back to the room. He bit his tongue to prevent himself from asking how Lily was doing. Luckily, Remus did it for him.

“Fine I guess. As good as she can be. Pomfrey’s making her stay the night just in case.” His eyes darted to James looking regretful.

“What?” James asked.

“Nothing.”

“Okay,” James said taking another swig. He hated that he couldn’t grill him for details without giving himself away.

“Stone’s _pissed_ at you,” Peter said, diverting Sirius’ attention and gaze away from James. James noticed he avoided his eyes for the rest of the night, as though ashamed of something. He never did find out what.

☆☆☆

James was so confused the next day when Lily sat down near him for lunch. For one beautiful moment he forgot that she hated him and was thrilled to see her again on her own two (wonderfully healed) legs. But nothing lasts forever. He had noticed that their two friend groups seemed to be collapsing — Marlene had never wanted to be the only girl of the group, and now with Lily, it seemed like she didn’t have to be.

While that was all fine and dandy, he needed them to stop talking about Divination, because whenever they did, they’d always bring up… _damn it:_ **this** prophecy. _Nothing quite like telling the girl you’re in love with that a Seer predicted you’ll be a shit dad._ He remembered that day so friggin’ well. He’d stomached two years of Professor Harris’ wide, sad, brown eyes always lingering on him for just a moment too long. She looked at a lot of people like that, but she’d always hold his gaze just a little more than most. Unlike his friends, he didn’t drop her class because he thought she was a crazy bat, but because he didn’t want to hear any more of her depressing prophecies. In 3rd year, she had everyone doing their ten-year predictions using crystal balls, but had inexplicably made him and Marlene sit it out. In 4th year, she told him there wouldn’t be a witch or wizard alive who didn’t know his last name. This had definitely been an ego boost since he’d assumed that meant he was going to be a damn good Auror one day. (That is, until he’d curiously asked a follow-up that he immediately wanted to take back: “What will I be famous for, Professor?” She’d looked at him tragically, and responded, “Your love.” Sirius snorted so hard that James considered chucking a crystal ball at his head. Harris had misinterpreted Sirius’ reaction as jealousy and informed him that he would be just as infamous. This made Sirius even more gleeful.) But then came 5th year, and that shitty prediction was made. The week before, Professor Harris had told him to ‘watch his back.’ Naturally he was freaked out for days, until the next Quidditch match when he took a Bludger to the back of the head and was out cold all weekend. _That_ prophecy, right after Harris had proved herself competent to him once more, was the final straw. He just didn’t want to know anything else. Persuading the other guys to drop the class as well had been all too easy.

He stormed out of the Great Hall rather than hear his friends discuss how he’d be an absentee father just like his own dad was and found solace by the Great Lake. _I won’t let that happen. I’ll be better. I’ll be stronger._ James knew what it was like to be left behind. He **knew** he’d never be like that. He was loyal to the ones he loved to a fault. _And to a child…_ _my_ _child?!_ There was no way. Harris was **wrong.**

As if sensing his misery, Lily approached, a cloud of vapor rising from her frigid lips. He cast a flame without thinking. Well, without thinking of the chill — his mind was racing trying to decipher just why she was approaching him after having figured him out. She was asking about how he was doing… but why? She’d asked for space. If he wasn’t allowed to ask how she was, why could she? Why _would_ she?

He asked her as much, and her answer broke his heart. She needed **his** help. So far the only discernible help he’d been able to provide her was sexual, so he guessed she was down to use his body again. He should have been happy… he should have been _thrilled,_ but he wasn’t. He couldn’t keep doing this to himself; he couldn’t keep pretending that their little arrangement worked for him, because it didn’t. He loved her. He didn’t want to live in a world where she couldn’t see that — where she didn’t even want to. He didn’t want a future where he’d skived off somewhere by the age of 23 (just like Harris predicted and had kept from him because it was just that embarrassing) leaving his future baby mama and Sirius to raise his son or whatever that damn prophecy meant. He was willing to be there for Lily, for _them_ , if she’d only let him.

He asked her about her recovery, because he sure as hell wasn’t going to start shagging her again if it could hurt her, and she better know that, but she seemed to have no clue what he was talking about.

When she clarified, his heart sank further. **Imperio** _her?! What??_ He was in love with a crazy chick. _Great_.

But then she explained herself. Explained how it was about fighting, and taking care of herself, all while her eyes danced with his blue flame and her voice was as solid as ice. It was true, out of anyone, _she_ should be learning to defend herself: the cleverest, prettiest, sassiest witch of their year that just so happened to be a Muggle-born? She would never not be a target.

And she called him James. It was the first time he’d heard her ask for help ( _ever_?) and she’d used his first name. She had to know what she was doing… she had to be doing this on purpose. She knew he’d never deny her anything. Did she know exactly how to manipulate him into doing her bidding?

 _It’s motherfucking_ Imperio _though._ Okay, so she was asking him to break the law, no biggie, but… she wanted him to take away her free will? She’d just told him to respect her independence and a few days later she was asking him to perform the curse that specifically took that away? He would never understand women. _She wants you to_ Imperio _her,_ he repeated to himself numbly, hoping the concept would start making sense. She must actually trust him a whole lot more than she let on.

When she told him she didn’t currently feel safe, that sealed the deal. Lily should always feel — and be — safe. If this was what she truly wanted, no _needed,_ then of course he would help her with it.

So he caved to her under the condition of telling him what to make her do beforehand. No man should have that much power over another.

He most certainly wasn’t expecting her to hug him after he agreed. _Yes,_ they’d been shagging… but when was the last time she’d **hugged** him? 4th year? He felt dumb for how affectionate it felt. Despite the cool November air licking them both, he felt a warmth spreading from where her body pressed against his down to his toes and his fingers. Suddenly he didn’t know what to do with his hands anymore. _Hug her back, you git._ He knew he must be doing something wrong if he knew how to handle her naked better than he knew what to do when she was merely showing him gratitude.

The rest of COMK class coming towards them broke their little cuddle spell. Still racked with the shame of having been labelled a terrible partner, he told her the truth: he would never leave his family behind. He didn’t care about Harris’ track record. He wouldn’t let it come true — he’d die before he abandoned his family. He thought Lily deserved to know that. It didn’t escape his notice that the girl had her own terrible history of being left behind: her parents, her sister, Mary… _Snivellus._ He refused to be another hole carved out of her heart.

☆☆☆ ****

They walked into the deserted classroom that night for Lily’s first round of Imperius Curse training. He tried not to look up, but his eyes found her yellow, ripped thong hanging from the chandelier where he’d thrown it all the same. Last time they’d been in this room, she’d bet him he couldn’t make her come twice in a row. Let’s just say, he was rather eager to prove her wrong. (And he did. _Twice_.)

She wasn’t wearing a thong today, though. James tried not to be crude — he really did — but her jeans were tight and he could tell she was wearing boyshort knickers. She also had a light blue jumper that just looked absolutely amazing on her. He knew green was supposed to be bring out her eyes, but this blue just seemed to highlight the softer, gentler side of her personality. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and protect her from the world. He knew she’d never let him, but the desire remained.

She told him what to command her to do… but now he actually had to do it. It felt all sorts of wrong, even making her do something as simple as walk towards him. Her level of faith in him felt overwhelming and, frankly, undeserved. Like yeah, he’d do anything for her, _but she doesn’t know that,_ _does she?_ If she did, it seemed to have frightening implications for their relationship. _Maybe she knows how much I like her, but she just doesn’t feel the same._ It would explain the amount of trust she was bestowing upon him whilst still not _being_ with him.

She sassed him into submission. Well, he still had a misfire. The first time he tried making her come to him, he couldn’t stop thinking about how it sounded almost like he was begging her to _cum,_ come for him. His mind wandered there without his permission, so obviously his first attempt at the illegal spell failed — he wasn’t properly focusing his power. (He was still really hopeful when she appeared unaffected by the curse, praying that perhaps their work here was done. Alas, it was not.)

She was using his name again as she implored him to really try to take over her mind. _Why? Why me?! Lily, why are you making me do this?!_ She tried reminding him that he’d said he’d ‘feel like shit’ if something happened to her. He cringed hard. That was nowhere near what he’d said. He’d told her he would never be able to forgive himself if something did. _That’s a huge difference…_

She asked for help again, so honest and vulnerable, and he was struck once more by how she was too good, too pure, to be on this planet. Flashes of Avery and Mulciber’s faces crossed his mind and he thought of all the things they could do to her with this curse. All the things they _had_ done to her best friend. He wouldn’t let that happen. He was going to help her fight back. He _Imperio_ ed her.

He completely lost his head when she walked towards him, obeying his command, making him rip his glasses off so her eye contact wasn’t hitting him as hard. _Fuck._ He’d almost forgotten what her exuberant, happy face looked like without any of her guards up. The spell had crumbled her walls and made her approach him just as giddily as she had on the pitch on their first date. Her eyes were glowing and looking at him like he’d hung the moon. He wanted to earn that look from her again — sans magic. He cursed the day he’d told her he couldn’t date her and taken that innocent, hopeful gleam from her gaze.

Her anger at failing broke their moment quite abruptly. But soon she was cursing him out like a sailor as she approached, which he didn’t think was a side-effect of _Imperio,_ so that was promising. On their second practice session, she tried telling him that he was a ‘no-talent scalawag’ while she obediently stepped closer to him. Lily might have been the one _Imperio_ ed, but James felt like he was the one under her spell. She could make any insult sound so sexy. “No talent, Evans? That’s not what you said the first time you came in this room. Or the second.”

She sniggered, placing one foot in front of the other. “You know, Potter, I’ve always heard that if you don’t practice your native tongue, you lose it. Wouldn’t that be a pity?”

He watched her snap out of the curse and walk back to her starting point on the opposite side of the room. _What…?_ He wasn’t sure what Lily had just said even made any sense, but he was pretty sure her intended effect had landed: she wanted him to use his tongue again. Probably on her. _No, you’re fucking imagining things. Relax._ Only it wasn’t her last saucy comment thrown his way while _Imperio_ ed. James filed it away under ‘shit she doesn’t mean because her mind’s being altered’ — or at least he tried to.

By the third session, James finally felt like he could breathe again. Lily had mastered the curse and would forever be a woman of her own volition. He wasn’t exaggerating when he thought he felt a great burden had been lifted off of his shoulders. It was self-imposed, but weighed a ton nonetheless. He celebrated by holding her close and spinning her, eliciting a warm and genuine laugh from her surprised lips. He let her triumph fill him up. He couldn’t help exactly _how_ that filling worked… or where it concentrated itself in his body.

He was in such a good mood, he sassed Lily into _Imperio_ ing him next, kind of loving how timid she seemed to reciprocate cursing him. _Well, that rules out that she still wants to psychologically torture me. Always a plus._

Was it bad that he absolutely **loved** Lily _Imperio_ ing him? Relinquishing control to her, doing her bidding… Holy fucking Circe, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever found anything more hot than Lily’s voice in his head, bossing him around. He felt like he’d just discovered his kink. _But I kinda always knew, didn’t I…?_ There were only so many times a woman could reject a man and have that man keep trying to win her over before it forever skewed his view on courtship and devotion.

As soon as she released her hold on him, he jumped to his feet to be with her. She was a drug, his drug, and he needed another hit before he lost it. It was more than a craving, more than a petty desire — he _needed_ her. There was air, and there was Lily. It was all he’d known for a decent chunk of his life. He captured her lips with his, trying to breathe her in, get her into his bloodstream as fast as he could after a week of abstaining.

Lily Evans was _back_. He could see it in her eyes, see it in her posture, see it in the quiet confidence she exuded even as she giggled. The woman he loved had come back to inhabit her own body, at least somewhat conquering her depression as she conquered the most evil spell of all. James was going to celebrate that to the fullest — after he made a joke about how turned on she was, judging by the perky state of her nipples in his palms, of course.

☆☆☆ ****

“Why are we taking this class again?” Sirius grumbled next to James in the back of the near empty classroom.

“Because it drives Walburga up a wall… and we might one day cover motorcycles,” James responded dryly as he scribbled down notes. Sirius sighed loudly in reluctant agreement, turning back to the board. It was a bit embarrassing, but there wasn’t a single class James concentrated more diligently in than Muggle Studies. He had joked to Lily that he only took the class to understand her better, but it was 100% true. He did. There were so many phrases and terms that she had used while they were growing up that completely flew over his head and he so desperately wanted to know what she was talking about. Sometimes it felt like she was a foreign exchange student that he was trying to speak to, so why not learn her language? He knew it was a dumb analogy — she _was_ a witch — but still, he couldn’t ignore that their backgrounds were so totally different. He’d grown up in a pampered magical home where nothing was ever out of reach, and it sounded like her life had been a little different. He wanted to know where she’d come from, what she used to do for fun, what the hell a rocket ship was. Plus, if she ever did invite him to meet Petunia, it would be nice to be her strapping, _intelligent_ boyfriend, not some blubbering weirdo who was befuddled when a telephone rang. ( _Telephones are apparatuses that briefly carry souls through pew-pew cord magic so other people can communicate with them!_ James thought proudly. He’d gotten an O in Muggle Studies three years in a row.)

Besides, it wasn’t like this class was all bad. Last year, they’d spent a whole month on Muggle sports. While obviously all of them paled in comparison to Quidditch ( _they’re all on the ground, what?!_ ), James thought he might like the sound of football the most. At least it seemed like they roughly had the equivalent of Keepers and Chasers, even if the Chasers were only using their feet. ( _Honestly, why limit yourself like that?_ )

This term was all about Muggle entertainment. James was thrilled to learn that Muggles quite had them beat in this department. Why were wizards so impressed with pictures that could move in papers or frames when Muggles had gotten them to move _and_ talk?! Movies sounded like great fun. James wrote down ‘cinema’ in his notes for future reference and ignored Sirius’ blatant eye roll at his enthusiasm.

“Please, like you don’t want to go see this _War Stars_ talkie with me,” James teased.

Sirius grumbled. “What cool thing could Muggles possibly have imagined for the plot?” Although his words were spiteful, James noticed Pads seemed eager that he wanted to go with him. They agreed they’d watch it over Christmas hols.

☆☆☆ ****

Things were easier for Lily and James after they’d worked together. Obviously not ideal, dating each other officially would have been far better of course, but still; it was a welcome improvement. Without the constant stress of obsessing over Lily’s safety, James finally felt like he could focus on his past hobbies — such a mischief making. The Marauders performed truly brilliant pranks again ( _a renaissance if you will_ ): charming Binns to only be able to teach while rapping, having Peeves suddenly take up an interest in educating students about the perils of pre-marital sex (James convinced Sirius that the facts he spewed had to be accurate instead of joking falsehoods because he really didn’t want a bunch of teenage pregnancies on their consciences… Remus gave him an approving nod at that), and hexing all Slytherins to a life of never achieving orgasm again unless they admitted aloud to being attracted to at least one Muggle or Muggle-born. (James instantly regretted the terms of the prank when he saw Snape’s outlook on life remained the same in the following weeks. He figured the slimeball must be telling _someone_ how much he still fancied Lily. The idea made him sick.)

This jealousy was quickly washed away one night when Lily led him to a secret alcove — and dropped to her knees before him. _Holy fucking shit. No way._ James stood frozen solid as she finagled his belt… his button… his zipper. Each tug on his clothes was like the universe trying to tell him this was really happening… but he still couldn’t believe it. This had nothing to do with her pleasure… this seemingly didn’t have anything to do with her plan to feel again at all, so why was she doing it?

He changed his mind about that assessment by the end of her treatment. It looked like she actually got off a little herself having this much control over his body and the resulting satisfaction.

When she freed his cock, he wanted to say something (probably completely asinine), but then she gripped him and he felt like his world shifted inside of his brain. Another earthquake rocked him when her wicked, wicked tongue explored his tip. He swallowed hard, trying to keep his hips perfectly still as to not accidentally ruin any of this moment and inadvertently scare her off. He had no idea what had made him worthy of oral, but like hell he was going to make her change her mind now.

Her lips were slow and cautious as they wrapped around his cock, and James silently wondered if this was her first blowjob. Considering she had been a virgin before him, it was entirely possible. Then again, the way she was looking at him, the heat in her eyes, screamed a lot of things — none of them being ‘amateur.’

Egged on by his lack of composure, her hands and mouth worked in tandem, bobbing up and down his length. James was already at risk of completely losing it. This had been a fantasy of his since before he’d even know what proper sex was. It had been a little bit of, _Hey, you know how good it feels to tug on your knob? I wonder how good it would feel if some unspecified, pretty redhead who’s in all your classes did it instead of you? But like, with her mouth._ She was far too good. James groaned, afraid he was going to come in less than a minute as he felt the telltale signs of his impending orgasm encroaching. He put his hands to task, pushing Lily’s hair out of her face, but this only gave him an even more unobstructed view of her expression: keen and turned on, cock in her mouth and eyes drinking him in. _When’d she get so confident in her sexual side?_ He absolutely loved it, and that it was all for him. He yanked at her scalp, he couldn’t help it, he was about to blow.

“Lily,” he groaned in warning so she could abandon ship, “I’m gonna… I’m gonna—”

Her hands wrapped around to his bum, pushing him in deeper to the back of her throat in response. He came almost immediately after, bucking his hips with a loose jaw as his fists in her hair turned more tender. She was still looking right into his soul. “Lily…” Seeing her throat move as she swallowed him was a spiritual experience. _Oh fuck._ There were no other adequate words in the English language to encapsulate seeing and feeling that.

She released his cock from her mouth with a wet popping noise, her molten stare turning earnest and cute once more as she bit a plush lip innocently. He had no idea how she could pull it off considering she currently had a throat full of his seed. “Was that all right?”

Her words were hesitant, but her expression read, ‘tell me how much you loved it.’ “You’re amazing,” he whispered honestly as he pulled her to her feet. It was categorically stupid, but in that moment, he wanted to tell her that he loved her. _You are such a teenage cliché, Potter: telling a girl you love her because she just gave you the best head of your life._ He was able to at least keep **that** in, but he wasn’t sure for how much longer.

☆☆☆ ****

She was fully in her element now, and James thought he’d figured out why: having beat _Imperio_ had reminded her of who she was. She was Lily fucking Evans — she bowed to no man and had more magic in her little toe than some of the Purebloods combined. That this renewal of her personality came in the form of shagging him silly was a happy, albeit unexpected, surprise, but James knew a good thing when it was happening. He was going with it, wherever her current deemed to take him.

She was teasing about jerking him off in the middle of class? _Fine_. He’d just learn a spell to flick her bean in the next one. Honestly, it almost seemed more like a punishment to _him_ to see her so close to the verge like that. Every time he’d seen that look on her face before, the ‘I’m-so-close-it-literally-fucking-hurts’ look, he’d known it was his duty to do something about it. But now she was there, all the way on the other side of the room… titillated by his vibrating charm on her panties, but not yet coming. He wrote her mocking messages to try to quell his ache, but it still burned him. He wondered what would be the school sanctioned punishment for shagging your girlfriend on top of her desk in the middle of a lesson. A month of detention? Maybe two? _Whatever it is, it would totally be_ ** _worth_** _it._

When she left for the restroom, he followed shortly afterwards, not even bothering to ask Flitwick for permission. Soon he was touching her again, kissing her, and making his own happy little discovery: she’d worn the same pushup bra from detention all those weeks ago. She’d _known_ he was going to retaliate for her little handjob stunt in DADA the day before (he’d seen her nervous and on to him in the library) and she’d dressed up just for the (possible) occasion. _Merlin, I love this woman._ He fucked her so hard, they cracked the porcelain sink, having to relocate over to the next one. Lily was too into their shag to notice.

☆☆☆

Soon, the first Quidditch match of the season arrived and James was ready. He’d whipped his team into ridiculous shape, as Sirius so often reminded him while flexing his Beater’s Bat, but it was all for a reason. Well, maybe three reasons: the first of course was to win the Cup, the second was the glory that came with kicking arse in and of itself, and the third… Lily might actually come watch him play this year. He’d been hoping for this moment ever since she’d promised it to him on their date and he planned to deliver. While he may have been lacking in emotional intelligence or maturity (or whatever the fuck he was missing that was making her hold back from him), he knew he wasn’t lacking on the pitch. _Our pitch_. Truthfully, there hadn’t been a time on it where his mind didn’t stray to their first kiss, even if only for a second upon dismount after a rough practice.

But then the day started going to shit. Dorcas — his star Seeker — was missing. That she’d come late to their pregame routine wasn’t unusual, he knew she had her own morning ritual, and he respected that. It couldn’t be easy being the only girl in their rowdy boy’s club, especially with how much they all loved to walk around the locker room naked. What _was_ strange was that they were minutes away from game time and she was still a no-show. Dorcas had never let him down before. Unlike his other teammates, she never seemed to bring her own drama onto the field; she was solid. He pulled out the Map and tried to look for her, praying she’d just overslept.

She hadn’t, and he couldn’t find her label anywhere. His eyes did however, land on something else rather curious… Lily and Adam. Their labels were coming towards the pitch, side-by-side, and James did all he could to keep from punching his locker and busting open his knuckles. _Are they holding hands? Are they arm-in-arm?_ Their labels’ proximity suggested as much. _We’ve been in such a good spot…_ The more lenient angel on his shoulder reminded him they could just be friends. He had friends who were girls, didn’t he? Sure, he was related to one of them, and the other was his awesome (but missing) teammate, but there was no reason why women and men couldn’t be friends. _Right?!_

James exited the locker room with his team behind him to tell the referee he was missing his Seeker, a little harshly perhaps. But then he saw her. Not Dorcas, but his Lily in that stupidly cute hat — with Adam’s motherfucking arm wrapped around her. He wanted to tear that arm clean off of him and make Sirius use it as a Beater’s Bat for the whole game. Maybe return it at the end when it was nice and banged up. He felt something snapping inside of him, whether it was in his gut, his heart, his brain, he couldn’t be sure, but it felt raw and ready for revenge. _He’s wearing her red scarf._ That was cutesy couple shit. This wasn’t a friendship, this was the lovey-dovey start of a fucking relationship. It felt like such a slap in the face. _Maybe this is also Adam’s way of bragging to me. He’s here at a_ _Gryffindor_ _game wearing my girl’s_ Gryffindor _scarf, like she doesn’t even need it to cheer for me._ The wanker had some fucking nerve. What made _Adam_ , pathetic, shy loser that he was, good enough for her? Why did _he_ get to sling his arm around her like it was nothing?

He couldn’t believe she had _finally_ come to a game and he was about to bloody lose. He couldn’t believe she’d come to his game _while on a date with another bloke._ The pitch was his place, his sanctuary, the place he took her to where he at long last had felt confident enough to kiss her because they were in _his_ arena, and it was all about to fall apart. She had to know what she was doing to him by bringing Adam here. _She had to._

He wanted to dominate for her, show off, make her so fucking horny for him that she frigging came in the stands. But now he was going to lose, _no Seeker, might as well go hang ourselves,_ and even worse, he was going to lose in front of her and her date.

He was spiraling. He couldn’t be letting his hormones get the best of him right now; he had to focus and restrategize everything. _You’re the fucking captain. Start acting like it._ Pushing thoughts of traitorous Lily out of his mind, he yelled the new plays to his team, giving Sirius and McKinley full permission to be as rough and aggressive as they so desired. On a normal day, Sirius’ answering evil grin would probably have disturbed him a little, but not today. He needed Sirius’ questionable side today. They had to win, even if some Slytherins were knocked out of the sky to do so.

His team played beautifully, but it just wasn’t enough. Slytherin caught the Snitch making Gryffindor lose by only twenty points. Anger and shame drove him to fly straight to his tower, terrifying a nerd sitting in the common room when he snuck in through the window. “Shouldn’t you be _outside?_ ” he heatedly snarled, making the kid scurry away. _Good._ Now James could be alone and stew. He banished his broom and pads to his room and collapsed into a sofa by the fireplace, dropping his face into his palms. _How fucking embarrassing._ He couldn’t believe he’d lost the game and the girl in one fell swoop.

 _Adam and Lily seem new though_ , he thought as people started to file into the room. Perhaps there was still time to stop their relationship from blossoming and he still had a chance to remind her what she’d be missing out on if she went with a weaselly, weak boy like Adam. Maybe James just wanted to punish her for making an absolute fool out of him. He wasn’t sure what exactly he was feeling, his stomach was a jumbled mess, but he knew he was ashamed and he didn’t want to be. He hadn’t been able to dominate on his broom, but for the time being, he could still dominate _her._ He could teach Lily just whose head ( _heart_ ) she was messing with.

As soon as she entered the common room, he stormed her right back out of it, his blood boiling in his veins and his skull pounding. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever felt so angry upon seeing her. Sure, they weren’t exclusive, but didn’t he at least deserve the decency of being told she was going to start seeing someone else? Did she truly not even care enough to take his feelings into account?

He slammed the door to a deserted classroom closed and her against it. She had the nerve to look shocked at his behavior, as though she had no idea what part she’d played in provoking it. He had to take a deep calming breath to stop the monster inside of him from claiming his body completely. He leaned into her, tracking her every move, and made sure she still remembered their safe word. (He wasn’t that far gone.)

He loved invading her space if only to watch her composure crack right before him. He had been so good, and where had it gotten him? _Fucking nowhere_. He might as well give in to the pissed off, aggressively dark side of himself. Sure, this wicked edge hadn’t reared its ugly head in years, but maybe he would indulge it today. Hell, judging by her body’s response, Evans seemed pretty into his rough handling of her. _Good. Think of_ _this_ _next time your new fuck buddy can’t get you off._ He bit her stockings in order to tear them away. _Remember my teeth nipping at your back while you touch yourself after an unsatisfying romp with another lover. Remember my breath, hot on your skin. Remember how I could make you gasp before I even touched you._ James was over being taken for granted.

He got her to a desk so he could bend her over it. She was so unbelievably gorgeous displayed before him in nothing but her underthings. Normally he’d appreciate the view — take in her long legs and pert bum, her back arching as he pulled her arms back towards him — but today it only set him off further. _She’s so fucking beautiful, but she’ll never be yours, not really._ He could fuck her body into oblivion, but he still wasn’t the one with his arm around her in public. He wasn’t the one swapping scarves with her. Images of her wearing his jersey, his last name proudly written across her back, flew through his mind. _Stop,_ he berated himself, yanking the offending shirt off of his own chest.

He touched her, and by Merlin, she was **soaked** through. _Yep, we definitely have the same kink._ Her line to him about Remus snaked its way into his brain: _“Our personalities are far more compatible than ours are.”_ He snarled. _They_ belonged together, why couldn’t she just accept that?

And then she had the sheer _nerve_ to try to get him to stop teasing her and get started already. _What_ _?_ Did she really think he was ready to surrender any control over to her right now? Did she actually believe she could wield any power bent over for him like she was? _Aw Evans, that’s cute._ So he spanked her, even though he knew calling him Potter wasn’t technically breaking any of their rules because he wasn’t inside of her yet, but fuck it. _I’ll do what I want._ He spanked her ass again, firmly enough to make his hand smart. He watched enthralled as her perfect skin bloomed into a piqued pink for him. She had the juiciest ass. He wanted to sink his teeth into it.

He wasn’t trying to be cruel however; he wanted to punish her _right._ And that involved making her come so hard she'd second guess every decision that she’d ever made in her life up until that point. Apparently, that process started by trying to kiss him, and while he wouldn’t allow it, he understood her reaction: he’d always been told he was _very_ good with his hands, and his fingers were currently playing her clit with every ounce of depravity he possessed.

She was foxy today, fighting his assertion of authority every chance she got, but he didn’t care. It was his turn to destroy her. He slipped off her knickers and teased her with his cock, yearning to hear her beg for it. She didn’t disappoint: “Fuck me, James.” _Yes, ma’am._

She’d always felt unreasonably good, but today her tightness mocked him. Her muscles squeezed his length, as though reminding him, while he tried to remind _her_ , that this was the best each of them would ever have. He groped at her, her breasts, her hair, just wanting to claim anything and everything, his mind melting in libidinousness as his hips worked in overtime. All he could do was feel, feel, feel. He watched with obscene delight as his cock sunk in and out of her, slick with her juices as he pounded away. Every thrust had her ass bouncing against his body, and he just couldn’t get enough. He had to look elsewhere if he wanted to last.

A naughty thought overtook him as he watched her pulse hammering along her neck: he could delay any possible suitors (again) for at least another week. He knew it was a desperate move even as he bit and sucked at the delicate side of her throat, but a word had never better described him in the moment. He _was_ desperate. He hated that she made him this way.

However, he was delighted when he demanded that she come for him and she actually did. High on the rush, he rode out her orgasm, afraid for a moment that she’d literally passed out. Judging by how loudly she’d just screamed out his name as she clenched all around him, he wouldn’t have been _that_ surprised if she had. Then again, James was an arrogant man, and he knew he could do even better.

As she recovered, he tore off his undershirt and lifted her onto the desk, flipping her over before he climbed up between her legs. He ripped off her tattered bra — it looked old, and he’d buy her a better one anyway. Besides, he wanted to see her perfect breasts, so he would. He raised her hips up to his as he sat up onto his knees, ready to fuck her all over again. At this point, he figured if she couldn’t walk tomorrow, that meant she couldn’t walk _away_.

Their new position proved almost to be too much for him, his cock rubbing along the entire length of her front wall and his lower abdomen slamming against her clit with every thrust. He was doing all the work, but somehow she seemed to be the exhausted one. _I’ll keep my stamina up, just for you baby,_ he couldn’t help but coo in his head while he mocked her endurance out loud. She didn’t deserve his coddling right now. She’d just gone and crushed him… again.

He pounded away harder, trying to forget, trying to let the ecstasy her cunt provided completely consume him.

Naturally, his unusual lack of attention to her pretty face made her ask him to kiss her. James couldn’t believe how much he’d underestimated her potential for wickedness all these years. She didn’t just want to break his heart, she wanted to rip it out of his chest herself and hold it in her palm in front of him while it made its final pathetic beats. He was trying to prove something to her, yes, but also… he needed to prove something to himself with this shag. He needed to show himself that, _fine_ , she was moving on, and it would hurt, but he’d be okay. Somewhere between pummels, this shag had turned into James demonstrating that Lily _could_ just be another, random girl to him, and he could fuck her like it was nothing. Like it _meant_ nothing. It was possible to have sex with her without the soul-merging eye contact, the tender caresses… the making love. It could just be sex to him too.

But if she insisted on making him kiss her, it was like she was lighting a match next to his thin wall of straw, calling his bluff. “ _Please…_ ” she moaned. _Fuck you, Evans, seriously_ _fuck_ _you_ _for doing this to me._ He flattened his body down onto hers, ramming into her ferociously but caving to her demand all the same. His hand came to her throat while he kissed her, trying to hold onto the last pretense of power he had. It was ridiculous; she’d just depressingly reminded him that when it came to her, he had absolutely none.

Her fingers in his hair sealed the deal, the soft familiar action allowing him to let go inside of her. He collapsed on top of her glowing body, feeling like he’d just fought the most epic battle within himself. She wasn’t done fucking with him yet though it seemed. She cradled him to her. _Oh, so she’s going to cuddle me after_ ** _that_** _?!_ James needed to get the fuck out of there. He threw his clothes on hastily and scrammed before she could make him hate himself and his weakness for her any more.

He stalked back to the common room, glad to see the rest of the team had made it back now. He garnered more than his fair share of stares coming back alone after how he’d dragged Evans out half an hour ago, but luckily his presence commanded enough respect that no one dared ask him questions. Or maybe he just looked that livid, who knew.

“There you are,” Sirius drawled as James approached, shoving a Firewhiskey into his hand. “You’ve got to stop hoarding the Map. You know we all made it, right?”

“Sorry mate. I’ll give it back.” He figured he wouldn’t be sneaking around with Lily so much anymore anyway and so there was nothing to hide. He was just about to ask why Sirius looked like he’d seen a ghost when Lily shoved his apparently-forgotten jersey into his stomach. She stormed up the stairs looking mad as hell.

 _What does_ she _have to be pissed about?!_

“You’re shagging _Evans?!_ ” _Fuck_ _._ Well, she couldn’t blame him for Padfoot figuring it out. Why else would she be returning his shirt to him with wild sex hair and a hickey that took over half her neck? James had to admit, this was not how he would have liked to tell his best friend what was going on.

“ ** _What?!_** ” Marlene shrieked from a nearby armchair, snapping her book shut as she hopped to her feet. He hadn’t even noticed her there yet. “You two are _shagging?!_ Circe, I thought maybe you guys were just heavy snogging this whole time!”

“You knew they were snogging?!” Sirius asked scandalized and looking more and more betrayed by the second. “What the hell, Prongs?” He backhanded his chest.

James felt like he was caught with his pants down. “She didn’t want anyone to know!”

Sirius snorted. “Well, you are quite embarrassing to admit having anything to do with.”

Before James could retort, Marlene cut in, “Are you serious? I can’t believe you guys are,” her voice got really quiet but very shrill, “having sex!”

James took a sad swig of his drink. “Well, we were. But I doubt she’ll want to continue now that she’s dating Adam,” he grumbled.

“What?” Marlene asked, hands on her hips.

“Her and Adam. They’ve got this unnatural thing going on now, I saw them at the match—”

Marlene took her book and started thumping his arm with it, making him flinch and step back. “You,” **_WHACK_** “are,” **_WHACK_** ”such,” **_WHACK_** “an idiot, James Potter!”

James looked to Sirius for help, but he was watching amused, as if he felt James deserved this after keeping him in the dark. “Marlene, stop—!”

“No! I can’t believe I was _rooting_ for you!” Marlene pushed back the blonde strands that had escaped her ponytail. “How long have you guys been shagging?”

James mumbled his answer into his goblet.

“What was that?” Marlene demanded.

“Since the beginning of October,” James muttered a little louder.

Marlene’s jaw dropped and hung open as though she’d lost her ability to speak. Sirius whistled. James was too afraid to look at his face. Marlene found her voice again. “Let me get this straight. A girl who you _know_ used to have a **huge** crush on you last year has been sleeping with you for over a month, _and you don’t think that she_ _likes_ _you?!_ ”

 _Well, I sound dumb when you put it like that._ James tried defending himself, “It was just sex.”

He could tell from how her jaw dropped even lower that this was the wrong thing to say. “ _Just_ sex? You had _just sex_ with the depressed girl that’s smitten with you?! What is _wrong_ with you?”

James dodged her flying book, holding up his forearms. “It was her idea, I swear! I wanted more, but she doesn’t!”

Marlene dropped the book lamely to her side. James wondered if the rest of the common room who could see them thought she was just a Quidditch fanatic who was reprimanding the captain for losing. “Huh?”

James tentatively lowered his arms from in front of his face. “Evans came on to me. Said she just wanted sex.” He felt a little guilty telling them this, but he didn’t want them to think he’d taken advantage of Lily either.

Marlene said, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” at the same time Sirius whined, “Your fantasy comes to life and you don’t even tell me…”

“Sorry,” James replied to both, feeling perfectly inadequate. He threw a hand in his hair and ruffled it anxiously. “Like I said though: it doesn’t matter anymore. She had a date with Adam today, _at my game_ ,” he tacked on childishly, “so I’m pretty sure that’s the end of us.” He took another dejected gulp.

“Like _I_ said: you’re an idiot.” Marlene rolled her eyes. “Lily agreed to watch with him because he has no other friends. I’m pretty sure the kid likes her, but she’s been nothing but platonic with him. He kept trying to talk to her during the match, and I don’t think she heard a single thing he said.” Her gaze on him melted into pitying. “She was too busy being fixated on your every move. She does that a lot, you know.”

The pit in his stomach disappeared only to be replaced by an even heavier one. _Oh. You just fucked up, big time._ “You think she likes me?” He felt like he was 13 years old again.

Marlene sighed, heading for her staircase. “Why don’t you ask her yourself, you doofus?” She mumbled something that sounded an awful lot like, “How are you gonna shag but _not_ communicate with one another…” James thought her judgement was exceedingly high and mighty. Okay, he excelled at shagging while his cousin was good at talking about her feelings, _so what?_ Everyone had their strengths… He couldn’t very well be expected to be this awesome at _everything._ With one hand on the rail, Marlene froze and turned back to him. “Wait, you’re not sleeping with multiple girls are you?” Her jaw clenched like she was trying not to yell. “Because Lily didn’t come home super late on Halloween, but Sirius said you did.”

“No. I’m not.” He shrugged his shoulders. “It’s a long story…”

Sirius clapped the back of James’ neck, grabbed a bottle of Firewhiskey and led him to the boys’ staircase. “One that he’s now going to tell me _all_ about, right Prongsie?” His best friend could be a little scary sometimes.

☆☆☆

James felt like a right git. Not only had Marlene made him feel like an utter moron, but then Sirius totally shocked him by being _on Lily’s side_ in all of this _._ Apparently they’d had a heart-to-heart in the hospital wing and squashed their beef. When James tried to complain that Sirius should have told him, he gave him a withering look that shut him down real quick. _Right. I can’t whinge about keeping secrets right now._ Pads elaborated that he got the feeling Lily still held a torch for him.

James’ elation at the revelation warred with his shame over having just rutted her on a desk (no matter how hot that had been) and then leaving her there after he’d finished. _Oh you’re in so much shit._ James vowed he’d pull her aside at dinner and finally get to the bottom of what she wanted from him. He tried not to let his two friends’ assessments sway him too much, but it was hard not to give in to the hope. ( _Well, three friends if you would have listened to Moony._ They never listened to Moony’s advice. They probably should start sooner rather than later… James was starting to suspect Remus was the only one of their group with his head screwed on right.)

James happily told Sirius _everything_ as they tossed up Bertie Botts in the air and caught them with their mouths. (James only choked twice during his tawdry tale.) It felt so good to get everything off of his chest to his best mate. It felt even better to realize that Sirius was no longer judging him as harshly as he had last year. It was ironic, because James felt like his feelings for Lily had only exploded in the meantime. Perhaps living with him and becoming even more of his brother had made Sirius confident of his critical and irreplaceable role in James' life. Maybe they were all growing up.

“So what’s the game plan now?” Sirius asked as he bravely kept chewing his wood flavored jelly bean.

James let out a big sigh. “Not sure. I just have to fix it I guess.” He turned to his friend sharply. “Please don’t make a big deal out of this in front of her. At least, hold off on your usual theatrics for now.”

Sirius gave a sly smirk. “Surely I have no idea what you’re referring to.”

“Surely you do. I mean it though. She’s like a fucking doe right now. Just a little bit of teasing and you might just spook her off for good. **_Please_** don’t.”

“All right, all right,” Sirius replied dramatically. “I’ll be on my best behavior for you two lovebirds. But of _course_ you made a soddening deer reference.”

James grinned lopsidedly as Moony and Wormtail walked through the door, and only the latter was shocked and subsequently slightly hurt by the new couple alert.

“You told Moony but not me?” Sirius screeched.

“Calm your knickers, he didn’t tell me, I figured it out. It was obvious,” Remus sighed.

Sirius sputtered. “Obviously not.”

James smiled as they bickered. The situation was salvageable.

☆☆☆

Unless Evans just hid out in her dorm until one of them _died_. He was guessing it would be her from starvation in a few short days. He stole the Map back from an irritated Padfoot (“It’s for an honorable quest, I promise!”), got out his cloak, and went to the kitchens for some to-go sandwiches, waiting until the rest of the girls left Lily’s room. Then he went to the place of his eternal shame. He figured if there was ever a situation that called for him conquering his guilt over having read her diary, _this was it._

When he snuck into her room, she looked lost in thought, huddled on her bed in her pajamas looking cute as hell. Her hair was a mess and she was fresh-faced. It was nice. He liked seeing her like this. He reminded himself to be extra charming today to alleviate any of the tension his rough shag might have caused… _Operation Win Lily Back is officially in effect!_

It seemed to be working; he could tell she _wanted_ to smile at least, until she threw him the absolute curveball of wanting to start using condoms. For one heart-stopping second, he thought maybe this was her way of telling him she’d had a pregnancy scare and — _fuck, fuck, fuck._ But then he realized smugly, _Nah, she’s just asking if we’re exclusive._ At least he hoped that’s what she was doing, and she wasn’t actually telling him that she was about **not** to be…

She shut down when he asked her if she was fucking around, getting super defensive. _So far_ _talking_ _things through is going really great, thanks a bunch Marlene._ Now he felt stupid **and** vulnerable.

He figured he might as well rip the bandaid off completely and ask if she wanted a relationship. She said no so fast it gave him whiplash. _Well shit._ He concentrated everything he had into keeping his face neutral, his eye from twitching, and his hand from anxiously tugging on his hair, but he was devastated all the same. It was just as he’d feared then.

He expressed his sorrow through sass, but could **not** deal with getting sassed right back. _Why? Why can’t she just make up her mind or cut me loose?_ She was unfuckingbelievable; she couldn’t even tell him what she wanted from him! He wasn’t a mind reader! Either she wanted his affection or she didn’t, she wanted him to stay, or she didn’t. But she couldn’t just sit there and tell him off for trying to obey the very rules that _she’d_ instated! It was absurd.

So he pushed and he pushed, eventually cracking the honesty out of her: all of this wishy-washy crap stemmed from him breaking her heart last year. **_Shit_**. Obviously he tried to keep himself from reliving that moment where he’d cut things off between them as much as he could, not loving to dwell in the past and rarely ever having time for regret — but he regretted that. He regretted everything about that moment, but especially the pain in her eyes. _But I tried to ask her out the next week! I tried to explain myself over and over, but she didn’t want to listen! I was remorseful as shit!_ The excuses all fired away in his brain, but right now it didn’t matter, because Lily had said the quiet part out loud. She wasn’t letting herself fall for him because of his past betrayal. At least he now had his definitive reason. _And at least it has to do with the enormity of her feelings, rather than a total lack of them…_ Apparently you couldn’t keep his ‘find-the-silver-lining’ impulse down for very long.

This changed _everything._ She was scared. She felt the same way he did ( _I knew it!_ ), but he needed to prove himself to her. _I can do that. I can prove I’m the man she thought I was last year. Prove I’m the type of man she can rely on, the type of man she can love._ He wasn’t going to hold back any longer. She’d just granted him permission to go all in, and he was no longer afraid of that. When she asked him what he wanted, he could finally be honest: _you._

She looked like she was on the verge of accepting his answer when his ex came and mucked everything up. While it was fun to watch Lily rush around in a blind panic to hide him (and even more fun to realize they were now trapped on this bed side-by-side together), he did really wish they’d been able to finish their conversation. Alas, he now knew enough to happily move forward with her.

 _Of course, the girls are gossiping about us,_ he mused happily. His glee died as soon as Brianna spoke of their past shagging. _Fuck. I really hope she’s not finding out that I used to date that girl this way…_ James pulled Lily closer. They may have been forced into silence, but there were other ways he could show his loyalty to her… Her telling him that she was ‘too sore’ was an absolute buzzkill, however. When James heard Brianna talk about his supposed ‘daddy issues’ ( _thanks bitch_ ), he realized he had to up his distraction strategy. He figured he could show off a little at the same time and revealed the Map to Lily. It was never a bad idea to remind the witch you loved that you were a closeted **genius** after all.

That her awe drove her to kiss him made him reevaluate his study schedule. _This is good, I can work on this._ If a nerd was what she wanted, a nerd he could give her. It was the strangest feeling, but knowing she didn’t just want him for his cock made the kiss ten times more meaningful to him. He let his fingertips graze along her cheekbone and lightly skim up her thigh as she wrapped her leg around him. He knew he was so lucky to still have her. _And_ ** _hot damn_** _is she a good kisser._ Her lips were made to be lightly tugged on by his.

James pulled out all the stops in wooing her, including giving her a famous Captain Potter massage. True, he’d only ever given them to his male teammates before, but he figured the same motions still applied ( _except for the titty-sucking at the end; that was strictly for Lily, thank you very much_ ).

When she brought up her bras all mysteriously disappearing, he had to hold back a chuckle. No shit, he’d been stealing them, did she actually think that she was _that_ clumsy? He really wanted to see her strut around braless, that’s all. Tits that perfect and perky deserved to bounce free, to peek out when they were excited throughout the day, and just generally be _awesome_ and unrestricted as Lily moved about the castle. He liked his odds at making this dream a reality considering she’d just mentioned she was onto her last bra… but he knew for a fact that said garment was currently tucked safely away in his cloak pocket. (He’d switched it out for his scarf before she’d even been aware he was in the room.) He prided himself on his sneakiness.

When he finally left the room, heart full and lips enflamed, James couldn’t help but feel he’d just had the best Sunday of his life. Hope sprang eternal.

☆☆☆

Then again, Monday didn’t look like it was shaping up to be too shabby either. Of course he’d made this determination whilst Lily, wrapped up in _his_ scarf, sat down at the dining table for breakfast rather… _bouncily._

Considering they were talking to Dorcas about her super serious disappearance, he tried not to focus on Lily’s breasts, but he couldn’t help but notice how she’d leaned in, placing them on the table, after he’d thrown his arm around Dorcas. He recognized a jealous move when he saw one. _Calm down, Evans. I only have eyes for you._

James’ amused little bubble was swiftly popped when Dor told them all that she’d likely been hit with Dark Magic gone wrong. _How do I protect Lily from this? How do I keep her safe?_ His fantasy of kidnapping her to a little beach island sounded really good right about now.

Lily offered him the opportunity to show off his ( _apparently very sexy_ ) nerdy side shortly after. It turned out she’d been rather impressed when he’d turned McGregor into a goat 4th year, even if she hadn’t realized it had been _his_ wandwork. (He’d cast that spell again too — comments about Lily’s rack should be kept strictly to oneself, or given only when desired by her in the heat of the moment, no exceptions!) So naturally, he’d be the one to catch Dor up on Transfig. Besides, it was no big deal. They’d only really covered various forms of human to animal transformations this term. He could teach that shite in his sleep.

Needless to say, he was already dumb-horny for her before they’d even gotten to their first class. She looked so damn adorable dancing in the rain on their way to Herbology, his initials swinging along her neck. She wasn’t letting him link arms with her yet, but he knew they’d get there soon. He appreciated her little charm to keep his glasses dry more than she’d ever know.

Course, she was still Lily frigging Evans, so that meant that she would always have the near-constant desire to let him know she could **never** be tamed. _Damn, I get it woman, jeez,_ he thought as he cast a drying spell on her wet, see-through shirt from across the greenhouse. He’d received her message loud and clear: give me back my bras, _or else…_ He’d always respect a fellow prankster (and this one sure knew her audience).

☆☆☆

Sirius’ ‘chill’ didn’t last long, and soon James saw him asking Lily all sorts of poignant, double-meaning questions. While he wanted to throttle his friend, he was pleasantly surprised that Lily didn’t seem to mind Pads’ prodding too much. _Huh. Maybe the scoundrel knows what he’s doing…_

Course, his renewed confidence didn’t stop him from carrying out, let’s just say, _time-honored traditions._ He may now know that Lily and him were solid, but clearly Hufflepuff-reject Adam didn’t. James just didn’t like the guy, and he couldn’t put his finger on _why_ (all his friends rolled their eyes and told him, “Yeah. Okay buddy…”) Whatever the reason, James gave him terrible acne before the squeaky git stole Lily away to the Ravenclaw versus Hufflepuff game — thus robbing James the opportunity to wow his girlfriend with his plethora of nerdy Quidditch knowledge.

Her resulting ‘lesson’ to deter him from continuing his past wayward behavior was something else entirely. (He was pretty sure he was now living in one of those trashy romance novels Marlene always prattled on about, because _this_ was pretty fucking awesome.) If she always rode him until his eyes rolled back into his skull whenever he was bad, then he was highly considering a life of crime so she’d ‘rehabilitate him’ in perpetuity. It was another instance when James had to ponder, _Are you that innocent to not see what you’re doing to me, or are you_ exactly _as deviant as I am?_

☆☆☆

Something shifted for her by the end of November though. He assumed it had nothing to do with him, but he was still dead curious as to what had caused it. Since her mood tanked at the same time as Remus’ transformation, he briefly wondered if their bad vibes were contagious or something. He couldn’t wait till the two of them were in a place where he could just _ask_ her about something as perfectly ordinary as her day. _Baby steps, Potter. She likes you but isn’t ready for a ‘relationship.’_

The golden opportunity to convince his girlfriend that she was in fact his girlfriend landed in his lap shortly afterwards. Sirius — supreme best mate that he was — told him that Lily was looking for a place to crash over Christmas. _Brilliant. I have rooms! I practically have a castle!_ He couldn’t help but grin maniacally to himself: this had the potential to be the best Christmas ever.

He laid on the charm **thick** as he worked on persuading her, all naughty jokes, fly grins, and cheeky touches. Adam interrupting their chat cemented James’ opinion on the wanker: he could fuck right off.

When James asked Wormtail to go eavesdrop on Lily and Adam’s conversation in Herbology the next hour, it wasn’t due to jealousy, you see, it was merely a need born from _curiosity_. ( _Which is normal, right?_ ) James was under the impression that whether or not he got his Christmas present this year hung in the balance of this conversation. While Wormy’s little recon mission nearly ended in bodily harm for his friend (and Sirius shamed him so hard for it that he didn’t feel comfortable asking Peter what he’d heard until _after_ class…) the information he’d gathered was invaluable. Apparently, not only had Lily friend-zoned the shite out of ugly, oozing, festering Adam, but she’d fessed up to him that there was something brewing between her and _him_. _Take THAT universe!_ He’d always known she didn’t **_actually_** think he was a ‘bullying toerag’ (the fact that he thought that insult in her voice seemed to contradict that statement, however).

☆☆☆

“James?” Three of the Marauders looked up in surprise at a very burly and shy 3rd year girl currently loitering by their open door.

“Yeah?” James answered confused.

“Dumbledore wants to see you in his office.” She had turned bright red over the course of a single sentence. Her task being completed, she turned and sprinted away.

Sirius laughed and since Remus was at the library, Peter took it upon himself to be the adult in the room. “What did you do?”

“Nothing you guys didn’t help me with, I don’t think…” Technically James _had_ banished all of Professor Stone’s left socks, bribed another portrait to always take her quarter’s portrait on dates when Stone came home for the night (thus leaving her stranded with no one to give her password to), hidden tacks in her chair, hit her nostrils with a hair growth charm, etc, etc, but other than that, he’d been practically angelic. (And _no_ , he hadn’t broken his word to Lily about unwarrantedly hexing people, because Stone most certainly deserved his ire.)

Sirius chuckled. “Oh well, good luck.”

James made his way to the Headmaster’s office, unfortunately being very well acquainted with its location.

What Dumbledore wanted to talk to him about completely shocked him.

“Mr Potter,” _Oh Merlin, here it comes…_ “I have just been informed that you will be housing quite a few students in your manor this holiday.” _Huh? Yeah, so?_ “As such, I must request that you all use my Floo to go home and that you and your guests refrain from leaving your grounds for the duration of the break. I cannot stress this enough.”

_But Padfoot and I are going to check out a cenima this hols! He wants to go pub crawling again — and I can’t very well tell him why I no longer want to! We like eating out sometimes!_

Perhaps Dumbledore could already see the wheels turning in James’ head, planning various ways to sneak out of the house with his cloak, because he continued sternly, “I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that there is a war brewing. As she is Muggle-born, you must be aware that Miss Evans currently faces more danger than you do outside of the castle—”

“I’m sorry Professor,” James interrupted eagerly, “did you just say _Evans_?”

Dumbledore gave him a knowing smile. “Miss Evans, yes.” Dumbledore stood up and walked to his door and James knew he was being ushered out. “As your guest, it is your responsibility to ensure her safety, is it not?”

 _Damn, he’s good._ James tried not to dwell in the embarrassment that even the Headmaster of **all** of Hogwarts was aware of his Lily-obsession… and knew just how to use it to manipulate him into compliance. He lingered in the threshold. “Of course. So not a single toe off the grounds then?” A new fantasy of taking Lily out for a proper date had just taken root inside of him.

Dumbledore gave him a kind nod. “Not a single one.” He looked at him significantly over the rim of his half-moon glasses.

 _Okay, okay, message received._ James practically skipped back to Gryffindor. Lily was officially staying at his place over hols. Life was amazing.

He could barely wait for her to come back from her study session, too amped up and ready to celebrate this monumental step with her. She was fully embracing her feelings for him! She was trusting him not to drive her crazy for three weeks! They’d get to be together!

As soon as he saw her, he threw her over his shoulder to kidnap her to the Room of Requirement. All this mirth had made him horny as fuck.

He was dead curious to see how the room would present itself to her, but petrified when she asked him if the room really did only show where you most wanted to shag. For one brief second, he was scared she’d remember his completely sappy setting for their Halloween shag and realize he was an overeager creep. ( _Old insecurities die hard I guess…_ ) Her joke assuaged all his worries.

 _Where will she take me? Will it be somewhere sexy? Some Muggle location?_ Marlene had once informed him the Eiffel Tower was supposedly sexy. _Will it be standard and boring?_ He was secretly hoping she’d show him a little bit of sentimentality.

When the mahogany door materialized, his optimism soared. _Does she know that’s the same wood as my wand?_ He had no idea how to interpret the spiky gold door handle she’d manifested though. Gold was probably for Gryffindor… but the prongs? _Obviously she can’t know about my Animagus form._ Was it a metaphor for the barbed wire protecting her heart that he was about to circumvent? An ode to his hair? _Who knows…_

When they walked in, hand-in-hand, the sight of the pitch took his breath away. His heart felt ready to burst — they were **finally** on the same page _and willing to let the other know._ He knew just how much bravery it took for her to be this vulnerable for him, and he vowed he’d spend the rest of his life trying to be worthy of her.

 _I love you, I love you, I love you,_ he murmured in his mind.

He’d been her first kiss. Somehow his heart (or yeah, maybe it was his self-confidence) had always known this despite the contradictory evidence he’d been supplied afterwards. That kiss had been too special for it to have been anything else. She hadn’t known it was his too… Suddenly he didn’t feel like such a loser for having waited until 15 to start snogging.

He pushed himself to be just as open as her. He pushed through his fear of loving her too deeply and recklessly to meet Lily where she was daring to go. He knew this was the only way they could ever truly to be together — they _both_ had to drop their shields, and he refused to let his dumb ego hold him back anymore. And he wouldn’t let her sabotage herself either. He pressed her to keep conquering her doubts, but offered to take it all at her own pace.

 _All right, enough verbally bleeding out our souls to each other for one night._ James was ready to prove his devotion physically.

It was so nice to be able to take his time with her body. So often, he’d feel like they were stealing a second as they snuck away from their classmates, but not now. It was just them: Lily and James, giving in to their love completely. Because she did love him… he knew it. He could see it in the happy tears rolling down her cheeks and the way she was letting him _see_ her. There was no longer a guard up. It was like she was saying, ‘This is me, take it or leave it.’ It was the easiest decision he ever had to make — he would devote his whole existence to choosing her each and every day she’d let him.

All the pain, the awkward conversations and missed connections had been worth it because it had given them _this_ moment. 

James tucked a strand of hair behind her ear tenderly as he made love to her under the stars. He knew he’d never love anyone more in his entire life than Lily Evans.


	36. Cause I Still Fucking Love You, Babe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter's ending is really dark. Sorry.
> 
> OMG, we're FINALLY caught up to present by the end here. I am so happy, I thought his POV would be easier because the plot was already there but NOPE, it ended up being a TON of fact-checking, lol. Anyway, James is going on a journey here where he's really trying to be a better man (there had to be an insane amount of growth to go from the boy we saw in the book 5th year to being the man Lily married a few short years later)… sometimes it works for him, sometimes it doesn't! (You'll see, he's figuring it out!)
> 
> And yes, this chapter title is named after the song I listened to on repeat writing it :D (Drivers License by Olivia Rodrigo)

**_Right Before Christmas Break, 6th Year_ **

“I’m forgetting something. I know I’m forgetting something,” Sirius announced, rifling through his belongings.

“Padfoot, we all live in this tiny room. I’m pretty sure you couldn’t forget to pack something if you tried,“ Remus drawled.

“My friends are useless.”

James smiled at Sirius’ dramatics as he threw some socks into his own trunk. He’d been on cloud nine ever since the night in the Room of Requirement. He felt as though he was finally understanding what made Lily tick. Her life had driven her to prioritize pain avoidance above all else. It had kept her from seeking out new friendships for a while and stopped her from letting herself fall in love… If he was going to bypass this roadblock he had to prove, unequivocally, that this wouldn’t be an issue with him. As if his contented musings had summoned her, Lily walked in shortly after — but she looked nervous. Actually, she looked about ready to have an anxiety attack.

And no wonder: _Voldemort is interested in her? What the fuck?!_ He didn’t like the sound of that. Not one ruddy bit.

☆☆☆

Luckily, they all got home in one piece. Sure, his dad seemed hellbent on embarrassing him in front of Lily, but he was secretly thrilled he remembered her name, even if only for a moment. It meant a lot to James that she got to meet him. Being with an orphan made you look at life a little bit differently.

It was kind of insane seeing Lily in his home, sitting across from him at the dining table or discovering magical trinkets scattered around the manor that he’d taken for granted all these years. He loved seeing everything through her inquisitive eyes.

The first night, after he and Sirius had perfected the spell for causing temporary hearing loss (for situations where you wanted everyone _but_ one person to hear), he knocked on Marlene’s door. “It’s unlocked!” he heard her call.

James stepped in, eyes scanning the room. “Oh, I thought Lily was in here.”

“Jeez, thanks cuz,” she grumbled, “you know how to make a girl feel important.”

He messed up his hair. “Sorry.”

“Besides… you really should be thanking me.”

“Oh?”

His interest was officially piqued, and she grinned like she knew it. “Uh huh. I guarantee it; she’s in her room right now gearing up to talk to you.”

James’ brows furrowed. “What did you do?”

Marlene smiled smugly, pulling out a new book from her trunk. “I may have planted some seeds.”

“Marlene…”

“What? I thought she might need a little push, that’s all.”

“Marlene!” James whispered scandalized.

“ _What_?! Come on, you guys are being so stupid.” She settled herself under her blankets. “She likes you, you like her.”

James rubbed his temples, frustratedly. “That was not your call to make.”

“Please, you’ll have changed your tune by tomorrow. Trust me, I know these things.”

“What _exactly_ did you say?”

“Oh, you know, that it’s obvious that _you_ like her, but a complete mystery what her intentions are.”

James looked at her panicked. “How does that help me?!”

“ _Because,_ now she’ll feel the need to explain herself to you and you know… admit things.”

He fully hid his face in his hands, but she could still hear his muffled words. “Mar, that’s borderline evil.”

“No it’s not! It’s tough love. It’s for her own good.”

He moved back to the door. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, you should have been a Slytherin.” She gave him a happy little shrug — _a little too happy,_ he thought. He pointed a finger at her. “No more meddling. I mean it.”

She snorted. “That’s rich coming from you.”

He sighed. “Goodnight Mar.”

“Night James!”

As James closed Marlene’s door and looked over to Lily’s, his heartbeat picked up. _With friends like this, I’ll probably stay single forever,_ he internally groaned. He knocked anyway.

She was a vision: hair waved slightly down her back and wearing a little, silky nightgown that should probably have been illegal. _Damn. I mean who can sleep in that?_ If James were Lily, he’d just spend all night looking at his own body in bed. Or in front of the mirror. Maybe touch himself. He shook his head to try to derail his current train of thought. _Yeah, it’s probably good you aren’t in Lily’s body._ He just wanted to touch the silk — no, touch _her —_ but he had to remain focused. He’d researched another nerdy way to turn her on. And sure, if his spell worked, they could sneak around later too. (‘ _Bludgeon two birds to death’ as the Muggles say!_ ) When she didn’t come back through his magicked wall right away, he nearly panicked, but soon she was back in his arms and wanted to ask him a bunch of questions.

 _This is awesome._ She was admitting to things he never would have guessed and was curious, _so curious_ , about him. She wanted his dad to like her. She wanted to know where his scars were from — and had noticed them in the first place. She wanted to know his sexual history… It was nice to finally get to respond to her whole ‘school broomstick’ dig without revealing just how much it had hurt him. _She’s onto something with this whole point-blank asking approach. Why don’t we always do this?_ He refused to give Marlene any credit for getting the ball rolling in Lily’s head.

When a blush crept over her cheeks and he knew she was jealous of his past relationship with Emmeline, he puffed up a bit. It was good knowing he wasn’t the only one who could see green. He didn’t want to embarrass her though. Finding out what to order her for breakfast the next day seemed like a safe way to keep her from festering in her less gracious emotions.

It was dumb how happy her telling him _she_ was happy made him. But then hearing her speak about her Boggart terrified him. Obviously he was no mental health expert, and he’d known it was bad for a while, but hearing her talk about her depression? He shivered. He wanted her to know she was there for him.

He could tell she had an important question on the tip of her tongue, and he thought he knew what it was, but she was holding back. He tried to help her out by asking about her feelings for him, but she didn’t seem ready. _We’ll get there,_ he repeated to himself. _We’ll get there._

She got him speaking about his mother, which felt excruciatingly painful, but was followed by a calming sense of relief. She deserved to know these things about him. She deserved his explanations for why he was the way he was, even if he felt like he had to gut himself to give them.

 _And she’s still here. She isn’t running away…_ When the enormity of his feelings threatened to overtake him once more, he kissed her instead, hoping his actions were speaking more clearly than his words ever had.

Then, she _finally_ let him give her the reasoning he’d been dying to tell her for the past year and a half: why he pulled back. Having realized he no longer had the same fears made him bold. He told her the truth that had plagued him for over a year — that he’d been a dumb boy who was scared of the love that was holding him hostage.

Still, she wasn’t running, and James felt like a champion. Had all his fears and insecurities really been for nothing? Holding her in his arms, listening to her breathing as she slowly succumbed to sleep was how it was supposed to be. This feeling was what he’d been fighting for these past few months. And when she confessed she loved him when she thought he was unconscious? _Yeah, that’s just the cherry on top._ He couldn’t wait to have her tell him it for real.

☆☆☆

The next few days passed by in a sex-crazed haze for James. It seemed as though they were constantly fucking, but it was never quite enough for either of them. It was different now — somehow even better. They’d established an ease and comfort with each other that allowed them to joke and laugh, even while in the throes of passion. It was nice. When they _did_ leave the confines of their bedrooms, it was awfully cathartic to see Lily’s relationship with Sirius blossoming, _but like, okay, enough, let’s go back and discover each other’s bodies some more._

James honestly couldn’t believe that Lily hadn’t realized he’d been seeing her arsehole during their activities this whole time. He’d known she wasn’t exploring her body as much as she should have been, but come on. Then he realized that she didn’t have the same access to Wizard Porn that he did growing up… and that hardly seemed fair.

He nearly had a heart attack when he’d returned to his room the morning after their first shag in his house (that sure was a lovely thought, _we’re having sex in my house!_ ) because he saw her friggin’ portrait on his nightstand. _Fucking Padfoot!!!_ he screamed to himself for a minute straight. He quickly stashed it into a drawer, accidentally stubbing his toe in his haste. _Shit, shit shit!_ Yeah, he had that picture of Lily in his room, but he didn’t know his traitorous ‘ _best friend_ ’ knew about it. There was a big difference between having a picture of a girl and _displaying it in a frame on your nightstand._ He was going to kill Padfoot for this ‘joke.’ He prayed Lily hadn’t seen it. He walked across the hall, hit Sirius with a tickling spell and abruptly left. _I’m sure he knows what that’s for… considering he was already laughing before I even hexed him._

James was pretty pleasantly surprised at how well Sirius was handling being cooped up in the house. While there was the expected disappointment of not being able to do their previously agreed upon activities, he still seemed totally fine to play games and go flying instead. James hadn’t expected Marlene’s irritation, however; nor did he understand it. _Doesn’t she normally prefer staying in and reading anyway? Where would she even go if we were allowed out?_

Before he knew it, the annual Potter Christmas Ball approached, and Sirius started acting like an absolute ponce organizing it. (The most loving and loyal ponce he could ever hope to have.) James tried not to dwell on how Sirius had taken over his mother’s role of getting completely possessed by planning every detail, while he took his father’s old act of pretending to be completely above such frivolity. Lily throwing herself headfirst into helping Sirius also made his heart ache something fierce.

He’d become so accustomed to waking up beside her, that the first day he didn’t, it was more jarring than the rampaging hangover he currently had. _Circe… But of course my girlfriend is a Potions prodigy, so… won’t be bad for long!_ James couldn’t stop being proud of every little step she took towards being her old self again. Or every step they took towards being official. And he was pretty sure taking care of a belligerently drunk man and still liking him enough to brew him a cure the next morning put James firmly in the realm of ‘boyfriend.’

Things were changing between them — and fast. He wasn’t sure if it was due to the holiday spirit, the cozy atmosphere of home, or perhaps just the lack of Hogwarts-induced stress, but James found that he was falling more in love with Lily every day. He looked forward to her summarizing what she’d just read in _The Prophet_ to him in her sassy manner that left no doubt about how she felt about things. He was mesmerized by how she did her makeup in the morning when she tried to sneak off to the bathroom before he woke up, but he’d see her reflection when he cracked an eyelid anyway. He couldn’t help but grin when she’d throw her head back and let out an almighty guffaw whenever Sirius’ humor finally cracked her. He loved the way she would patiently answer his father's questions in the dining room, even if they were for the 4th or 5th time. He loved everything about her.

☆☆☆

Christmas Eve descended upon the manor, and with it came Lily waking up with crusted drool on her chin. She was mortified, but James couldn’t help but bite his lip and scrunch his nose as he watched her scramble for the privacy of his bathroom. He wouldn’t trade adorable moments like this for the world. She was so smart, and so earth-shatteringly stunning, that little things that showed him that, you know, she was’t a perfect **angel** were nice every now and then. Because after all, how could you ever deem yourself worthy of being in the presence of an angel? James fought himself from writing that down for Lily later — she’d probably smack him if he ever dared utter such sap to her.

She nearly fought him on the dress he bought her, but luckily caved eventually. James was relieved. He couldn’t take her out on any of the dates he wanted to — and frankly, she deserved — but he could make one night at the ball magical for her. He couldn’t wait to make her feel like a princess.

Course his plans were nearly thwarted when she uncovered the truth about him masquerading as Remus that summer, _fuckkkkk;_ but she took the news so much better than he thought she would. She took it so well in fact, that he also confessed to all his other sins ( _okay, fine, she forced them out of me_ ). All his sins but one: he would take having read her diary to the grave. That was a mistake so atrocious that his skin had crawled _as_ he was doing it. James missed the days when he hadn’t cared about other people’s feelings enough to experience so much regret.

He gave her his heart, quite literally, in the form of a stone pendant in her favorite color. Marlene had assured him the day before that it wasn’t ‘too much.’ _Lily sure did seem to melt when I put it on her._ James ignored the nagging feeling that something this good couldn’t last. _Why not?_ he questioned brazenly. _Why can’t we just be like this forever?_

For as long as he’d live, he would never forget the sight of Lily Evans wearing the gown and necklace he’d gifted her, walking down his manor steps toward him. It was as though everyone else in the room had grown quiet and disappeared and all he heard was the steady **_THUMP THUMP THUMP_ **of his heart as it recognized its match. He’d never stop thinking she was the most beautiful soul in the world.

Now if only Wormtail would stop being such a weirdo around her. Pretty girls had always made his friend nervous, but his jitters around Lily seemed to be next level. _And yet he was so gung-ho about spying on her conversation with Adam for me_ … Sometimes James felt like the boy preferred living his life as a rat. He was sure things were a whole lot simpler that way.

All night, James felt like he was battling off questions and suggestive comments from well-meaning family acquaintances about his ‘very special lady friend over there.’ They seemed thrilled that the young Potter was ‘clearly’ besotted and kept doing humiliating things like pinching his cheeks and asking when they’d be betrothed. He guessed they were from a totally different era.

Needless to say, James was more than happy to bring Lily somewhere more private when she too seemed overwhelmed by all the attention they were attracting.

When she told him that she was a shit person for being happy, James feared that some of her old ways were returning, but she surprised him by talking about her parents. She’d barely mentioned them since… they’d died. _Apparently a year ago… shit._

Since she didn’t want to dwell on it, he gave her that, distracting her, making her laugh and sigh… and winking at the photographer that he saw snap their photo. He most certainly would be getting that picture later. Suddenly Sirius demanding that the staff capture a portrait of them didn’t seem like the stupidest idea any more. _Damn brother knows best._ James held Lily while the fireworks went off overhead.

☆☆☆

A few hours later, it felt so good to seduce her combining all of her turn ons he’d discovered over the course of the past few months: teasing, his body, sultry phrases whispered up close. It was almost as delightful _just knowing_ what aroused her as actually doing it. _Bite me, Evans._

But then, she turned all that knowledge on its head and had him right in the palm of her hand. _I wanna tie her up so bad,_ James whimpered to himself as he struggled against the ropes she’d restricted him with. In typical Lily-fashion, she proved she could do whatever she wanted by having her way with him. It was totally the **best** way she could teach him a lesson, and James wholeheartedly supported all her endeavors at unearthing her inner power. _Fucking_ _use me_ _, Lily,_ he moaned as she took him in her mouth. Course, he wasn’t an animal, so he begged her to let him shag her to please her right back. Being the benevolent ruler that she was, she allowed it.

When they were talking about her parents later, lying in each other’s arms, James gleaned almost immediately that she blamed herself for their fates. _She always takes too much of the world’s suffering on her shoulders. She needs to learn to share it…_ Then he realized that was exactly what she was doing now, here with him. He pulled her in tighter. He hoped she’d continue; he could take it.

☆☆☆

Considering how hard Christmas Eve had been for Lily given the depressing significance it held, James wanted to ensure Christmas Day would be a perfect one. Not being able to leave the grounds severely limited his date options, but then James remembered — he’d promised to take her flying for their second date. _Brilliant!_ For once, James felt like all their stars were aligning. So after everyone gave presents all around, he stole her away.

 _She remembers._ James’ heart did a little flutter when Lily recalled the significance of flying for them. Her taking his hand in tacit agreement before mounting the broom with him felt like the biggest success he’d had to date. _She’s saying yes. She’s saying yes to giving us an honest, not-purely-physical go._

James thought nothing could ever top the feeling of invincibility that came from flying, wind in your hair as your stomach dropped and your heart soared. But he’d been such a naive boy. He’d never flown _with_ Lily. He swore time stopped as he squeezed her securely against his chest while her hair whipped around her face. _You are everything to me, Lily Evans._ He’d never been kissed by Lily up in the sky. _What a life…_

When spells sizzled by, James flew on auto-pilot, only thinking, _Keep her safe, keep her safe!_ He’d promised Dumbledore he’d take care of her; what the hell had he done?! When his arm got hit, the agony nearly blinded him and he was too scared to look in case half of it was gone. He did everything he could to keep from passing out, but his eyelids grew heavier and heavier, and the blanket of unconsciousness called out to him to take away the torture. He fought till he got them to the ground before giving in.

Images flashed before his eyes: floating behind Lily, Padfoot’s terrified face, Lily fretting, a handful of healers _,_ Lily’s eyes, Lily’s eyes, Lily’s eyes… The only thing stringing the jumble together was the mind-numbing pain. _So much for giving her the perfect date…_ was his last thought before he was put under.

☆☆☆

The mood obviously tanked in the house after the attack, despite James’ best efforts to cheer everyone up. He shouldn’t have been surprised Lily was blaming herself for his injury, but still found that he was. _She fought off Death Eaters! She kept me alive to get to the healers! I was the one who flew us off the grounds in the first place!_

Every smile he coaxed out of her while she cared for his arm should have been framed and hung up in the Wizarding Hall of Fame. _And here you can see the 8 Smiles of Lily J. Evans on the evening of December 25th, 1976 that James F. Potter elicited through the use of naughty innuendo and blunt honesty. Oh yeah, and being shirtless._ At least _he_ thought making her happy should be treated as a crowning achievement.

☆☆☆

Sirius came to check on him while Lily was showering. Judging by just how closely he’d been shadowing him ever since he’d been discharged from the hospital, James could tell that he’d genuinely spooked his poor friend. It was so bad, James almost didn’t think he’d consent to letting Lily take him to his room unchaperoned. Just like Lily, Padfoot had lost a lot of people. Even if it had been mostly by choice, he was sure the pain and fear from that must still burn the same.

“How you feeling then?” Sirius asked, sitting by James’ side against the headboard as his paste dried.

“Fine, honestly, you can stop worrying.” Pads shook his head, but his eyes were still a little glossy and lost, so James continued. “You know, Lily loves scars…” He shrugged his shoulder. “So all in all…”

Sirius finally let out a genuine chuckle, making James shoot him a toothy grin. “You’re a real prat, you know that?”

“Yup.” James shoved him with his good arm. “It’s part of my undeniable charm.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re a real Wizard Frankathen the Fuckable. But I didn’t tell you something yet.”

“What?” James asked quickly, giving in to Pads’ need for eagerly interactive involvement whenever he told a story.

“Well, remember last year… when we learnt about Patronuses?”

“Of course.”

“And do you remember how Evans _couldn’t_ make one?”

How could he ever forget? He wasn’t the only one it seemed — Lily not being able to preform magic was noteworthy. “Yeah.”

“Well, she did. She sent one to me to get supplies for you.” Sirius’ eyes lit up. “At first I thought it was yours—”

“Wait, she conjured up a corporal Patronus?” James asked excitedly.

“Yeah, and get this, it gets better…”

“How?” _Okay, he can cut to the chase now._

Sirius took a big, _unnecessary_ breath. “It was a doe, Prongs. A motherfucking doe.”

“No way…” James’ cheeks hurt from just how high his smile was pushing them, but he didn’t care — there was too much awesomeness to unpack here. First of all, Lily really was better if she was able to focus enough happy thoughts, or just one really powerful one, into making a Patronus. _I wonder what she thought about?_ Secondly… _her Patronus is a deer too?!_ There had to be some significance to that. _I mean, I did just force her into a stag jumper and give her stag undies, but I don’t think that stuff gets decided on a whim, day of… Magic is innate, isn’t it?_

Sirius snorted like he could read his thoughts. “You gonna be even more insufferable now that you know you guys are basically soulmates?”

“Eh. Probably,” James admitted cheekily.

Sirius rolled his eyes but was smiling. He looked to the ground and his voice got more sombre. “I’m glad you’re all right, Prongs.”

“Thanks for getting help, Pads.”

Sirius kicked up his legs onto James’ bed and laced his hands together behind his head. “Huh. You’re right… I’m a bloody hero.”

James kicked Pads’ dirty shoed feet right back off. “Yeah you are.”

☆☆☆

The next day, Dumbledore came and finally gave them some answers on what the heck was going on. Unfortunately, none of it was good.

James had expected the headmaster to give him some pushback on wanting to hear the explanation with Lily, but he actually invited both of them along like they were a package deal. _What does he know?_ James thought skeptically as he followed the wizened wizard to his dining room.

When Lily brought up trying to merely disarm the Death Eaters during the attack _(instead of, you know, knocking them off their brooms to their well deserved deaths)_ he was reminded of his irritation over the matter. Being kindhearted and sweet had its place — and life or death situations was very much not it. Then he remembered she was a healer. _She totally_ ** _would_** _bend over backwards to save anyone, Death Eaters included, if they showed up to her hospital wing, wouldn’t she?_ He blew a strand of hair off his forehead being both frustrated and awed by her. It was a regular duo of feelings she provoked from him.

James felt like pounding on his chest when Lily defied Dumbledore’s advice to go back to the castle, agreeing that they should remain together. _We’re a team. She still feels safe with me._ That they’d just nearly been killed here and she still felt that way spoke volumes.

James stopped breathing when Lily finally asked the million-Galleon question: why was Voldemort after her? He felt all his nervous twitches going into overdrive at her words. _Why do I feel like my life hangs in the balance of this answer?_

When Dumbledore said the name _Harris_ , James’ blood froze. _Oh no…_ He’d dropped her class for a reason. Were they really about to get another Merlin-forsaken prophecy — and perhaps, the worst one of all? _I fucking hate prophecies._

It was somehow worse than all of the weird places his mind had just dared to scatter to in the past 20 seconds. _Voldemort is trying to kill her. Voldemort wants to kill my Lily_ _specifically_ _._ He didn’t even know what he was yelling, rage and confusion and his inner monologue all dialed up to volume ten inside of him. _This isn’t happening. She can’t be the unluckiest witch in the whole universe, there’s been a mistake! And Frank? Frank… as in that actual goody two-shoes Head Boy from a couple years back?_ A name like Longbottom was hard to forget, especially when it was responsible for a good 12 of your detentions.

His fear for her life threatened to consume him. _I just got her back…_ James wanted to see some heads roll for whatever weasel had leaked the prophecy to Voldemort. Lily’s hand squeezing his was the only thing that kept him from flipping the table. He wished he had even a tenth of her strength. _And I’m not talking about physical strength_ , he thought looking down to his currently useless, dangling right arm.

☆☆☆

When Lily disappeared for some much needed privacy, Padfoot descended on James to ask what the hell Dumbledore’s visit had been all about. Having just been sworn to secrecy, he scrambled for an adequate response. James figured the vague one Dumbledore had first given him back in his office would suffice.

“He just wanted us to take the threat seriously, you know, the whole Voldemort-rising thing. He says because Lily’s Muggle-born, she needs to be extra careful.”

“Whoa… so the Death Eaters came after her because she’s Muggle-born? Seriously?”

“I guess.” James shrugged, studying the carpet. He had to ask Lily follow-ups on how she knew when he was lying. “But don’t tell anyone. I mean obviously the guys already know, but I think Dumbledore wants discretion.”

Sirius nodded. “Of course.” There was a heavy pause. “Wow. I didn’t realize it was that bad.”

“Yeah,” James agreed guiltily.

Sirius straightened his back. “Well, they’ll have to go through us if they want to get to her, right?” _That’s my best friend,_ James thought proudly. “Heh. I guess you’d be relatively easy to get around right now though.” _Prat._ “Besides, if the Death Eaters are all as dumb as the wannabes at school, it’ll take them a whole bunch of tries to even get to her. I’m surprised they could even find your manor with how far their heads are up their own arses…”

 _Wait. How did they know Lily was even here?_ James shook his head. _Well, you did have 200 people see her here at a ball on Christmas Eve. That might have done it._ James felt like the world’s biggest idiot.

☆☆☆

How was he supposed to comfort her? What could he possibly say to make Lily feel better right now? James mulled over some options as he paced outside her door. _We’ll fight this? You’re not alone? What the hell does Dumbledore — the greatest wizard alive — know?_ All his mollifications sounded weak and insufficient, even in his own head.

He knocked anyway. Maybe she’d just appreciate the company. Almost instantly he was confused by what she was saying, all while huddled defeatedly in a chair. _Don’t what?_ She was looking at him tragically, and he hated it. _What?_

And then it snapped into place. _Oh fuck. She’s going to be_ _fucking_ _noble._ Dating Gryffindors was the worst.

She was trying to dump him. But even worse, she was speaking like her death had already been decided, like it was inevitable, and she wasn’t even going to fight back. _No_. She was throwing all these bullshit excuses at him, like it could somehow distract him and get him turned around, but he refused to go the way she was trying to lead him. He refused to give up like she was doing.

“I love you.” It was like a rubber band, constricting his soul and squeezing him shut, had just been cut and he could finally expand to his full potential. Nothing else seemed to matter, not prophecies or petty blood statuses, they were just two people who had found each other and were in love. It was enough. Love would always be enough.

He leaned into her hand when she stroked his hair, tears glistening in her eyes. _I love you so fucking much, babe._

James thought they’d reached an understanding, but her words when she lathered his arm with paste in his bedroom made him do a double take. “I’d heal you no matter how we feel about each other.” He swallowed roughly at her words. It was like getting an ice bucket of water thrown in his face with the harsh reality that he was still farther along in his feelings for her than she was for him. He’d **tried** the whole moving on thing — it hadn’t worked. And yet here she sat like it was an idle possibility that there could ever be a day where he didn’t love her. _Breathe James, breathe._ No matter what she decided to do now, she’d always take a piece of his heart with her. What she’d said made it sound like she was actually, truly considering a clean split from him.

He should be pulling back. If it was a possibility that she was going to end this, he _had_ to scale back his feelings. _But tomorrow. That can be a problem for tomorrow, let’s just pretend it could all work out tonight. Please…_ She slept over in his arms, but he still woke up alone.

☆☆☆

When it rained it poured. Lily left the manor. Sure it was 100 percent due to external factors, but she was gone all the same.

As much as he didn’t trust Adam, he couldn’t help but feel sorry for the bloke. Did that mean he wanted Lily to go after him? Absolutely, positively _not_ , but he could still feel sympathetic. No one deserved that. James couldn’t even imagine.

He wanted to beg Lily not to return to Hogwarts, an uneasy pit in his stomach had formed and was refusing to melt away, but he knew his desire was crazy. He patted himself on the back for the small step in self-awareness.

So he watched her Floo away, leaving his home sad and lonely in her absence. Obviously his friends tried cheering him up, but as the days stretched on with not a single owl from her, he noticed they seemed to be gearing him up for the worst case scenario. Their trepidation rubbed him completely raw.

One drunken night, James had let it slip to Mar and Pads that Lily had tried breaking up with him the night before she left, adding all sorts of fuel to their ‘prepare-Prongs-for-possible-heartbreak’ spiel.

“It’s okay, though,” **_HIC_** “because I convinced her not to.” **_HIC_** ****

“Oh James… you can’t just convince someone not to dump you,” Marlene said gently.

“Yeah mate, you know that doesn’t exactly sound… well, promising… Right?” Sirius said tentatively, looking to Marlene to back him up some more.

“No, no, she loves me, it’s” **_HIC_ **“okay.” James snapped his wrist flippantly.

“Did she tell you that?” Marlene pressed.

“Sorta.”

“Sorta?” Sirius asked, taking a cool sip of his drink.

“Yeah, she didn’t know I could hear her though.”

Marlene cringed. “She told me you guys aren’t official?”

“No, fine, we’re not!” James sat up abruptly. “But that’s cool!” he said vehemently, trying to persuade the hazy room as well as himself. “It’s the 70s! Who needs,” **_HIC_** “labels? Free love, baby.” He crumbled back into the sofa throwing up a peace sign.

Sirius had no more patience for his drunken proclamations. “Well, in the spirit of free love, please don’t lose your shit if Lily goes and gives her ‘free love’ somewhere else.”

“What?! Lily would never,” James scoffed scandalized.

“What do you think _free love_ means exactly, James?” Marlene asked gently.

James scratched his head. “I dunno. Guess I never really thought ‘bout it.”

“It means,” Sirius said slowly for emphasis, “Lily’s perfectly free to go pity-fuck whomever she pleases.” Marlene nodded.

“Pity- _what?!_ ” James yelled, sloshing his drink down his front.

“Pity-fuck. That’s not the point. The point is, Lily’s a grown woman, who’s perfectly within her rights to—”

“You need to stop reading that stupid book, Pads, for the—“

“I didn’t even start—!“

“Feminism is **not** stupid!” Marlene interrupted their argument indignantly. “And you should borrow it after he’s done! You, of all people, could stand to learn a thing or two on the topic.”

James retreated to his room shortly afterwards with his tail between his legs, ready to throw himself a pity-party ( _Ugh! That ruddy word!_ ) and blast Celestina Warbeck loud enough to burst an eardrum.

One day of feeling down on himself was enough, however. The next day, he enlisted Pads’ help in retraining his wand arm while also perfecting how to cast spells with his left. Being ambidextrous seemed like an excellent skill to have, and Padfoot seemed just as keen to acquire it.

James stole that feminism book from his room a few days later. He’d always thought of himself as a pretty decent bloke, but maybe he’d been overlooking some pretty glaring character flaws these past few years? _Whatever, never hurts to learn about new things…_ He may have written down a few notes here and there.

 _Have I placed her on a pedestal?_ he thought as he scratched himself with his quill. _Has she been my fantasy for so long that I’ve made her just that? She’s my everything, my girlfriend... my..._ **_my my my_** _._ The word tasted stale in his mouth. Maybe he had made this perfect version of her in his head that kept him from getting to see the real her. _But I do know her, don’t I?_ He thought he did, maybe he just didn’t know himself all that well… Or maybe he did know _exactly_ who he was… and he knew he had some stuff he really needed to work on, but that meant jackshit if he didn’t actually try to make himself a better man. _Oy._ Self-improvement was hard as hell, and frankly, he felt a little bit out of his depth. _But a willingness to do better is the first step, isn’t it?_ He decided they should probably teach some sort of philosophy or psychology class at Hogwarts.

The more he read, the further his gut sank. _Great_. _I'm apparently a misogynist on top of being a possible cuck._ Lily was a fucking person with her own choices to make and desires to pursue and say in things and… _have I been ignoring that? I make her second-guess her decisions all the time._ Suddenly, James felt like he was just as terrible as all those people he’d ‘protected’ her from half her life. He certainly wouldn’t have liked it if someone had been following him around for years, casting spells on his behalf and trying to make his life easier. _I’m not a baby._

James nearly pulled his hair out when he got to the chapter on toxic masculinity. He vowed to do better.

He knew he loved her. No piece of literature would ever be able to convince him that he didn’t, but maybe it had only become a true, selfless kind of love more recently. His love for Lily had been obsessive and controlling before, and that weakened its power, making it a tainted alloy where there should only have been the purest of gold. He wanted to be the kind of man to deserve her — he always had. Now, he was willing to put in the work.

☆☆☆

Course, where that left them when he returned to the castle, James had no idea. He figured he’d let her take the lead on this. Whatever she decided, he’d have to learn to live with. _I owe her that much. I owe her that at the_ _very least_ _._ This newfound respect for her couldn’t quell the way hope swelled inside of him upon seeing she was still wearing his heart necklace though. _That’s gotta be a good sign, right?!_

“Did you see her?” James asked Padfoot giddily as they unpacked in their room after Lily and Mar had gone their separate way.

“Yes, Prongs. I was right there.”

“Fuck, she looked so good.” James shook his head. “I mean like, _good._ Not just gorgeous. But obviously she looks gorgeous too—”

“Breathe, Prongs.”

“But did you see her eyes light up when she saw me?”

Sirius sighed. “So you’re gonna sneak her off somewhere later I take it?”

“What?” James froze. “No. New plan, remember? Quaffle’s in Evan’s possession now.”

“Okay, but I thought that was back before we knew if she was still into you.” He pointed to the door. “That right there, was _into you.”_

James couldn’t help his lips from slanting. “Okay yeah,” he admitted very pleased with himself, “but that doesn’t change things.”

“Right, right, because she told you she’s not ready for a relationship…” Sirius said slowly.

“Uh huh.”

“And you both realized that you like each other…”

“Yep.”

“So, now you can’t shag anymore.”

James tilted his head. “Well, I don’t know if I’d go _that_ far—”

Sirius spun to him. “That doesn’t make any sense mate! How is admitting you’re in love what stops you guys from fucking each other’s brains out?!”

James supposed all of this was rather hard to grasp without knowing about the damn prophecy keeping Lily’s heart just out of reach. So he flubbed a little. “She just isn’t ready for commitment.” _It’s kind of true…_ “And I’m going to respect that.”

“So… does she even know she has to make the first move now?”

James scratched his head. “No. But I mean, she doesn’t _have_ to do anything.”

Sirius threw a pillow at him. “You are such a wanker.” He smiled roguishly. “I always said this girl would ruin you.”

James threw the pillow right back.

He laughed as he ducked. “Sounds to me like you should have just kept your big, fat mouth shut. If you had, you might still have been getting some.”

This led to an all out pillow war, complete with blasted apart mattresses, singed bed curtains, and more fluttering feathers than they were aware existed in all of Hogwarts. Needless to say, Peter and Remus were not pleased when they got in a few hours later.

☆☆☆

Being good was harder than James thought it would be. Lily sat down next to him at lunch one day, and he seriously considered sitting on his hand to keep it from reaching for hers under the table. He’d had to up and leave when she got a little sauce on her cheek, because Merlin help him, he couldn’t fight the desire to touch her, even innocently, for that much longer. Sirius gave him a far too knowing grin while he departed.

James actually tried paying attention to lectures for once — and not because he knew she found it sexy, at least not _solely_ because of that — but because when his brain was occupied, he could imagine Lily naked less. He was actually getting some pretty amazing grades all of a sudden.

James wondered if he was doing all this right. Was he supposed to give her space until he could hang out with her _without_ thinking about how much he wanted to fuck her? _Because honestly, that might take a while._ Obviously she was an amazing witch and he loved her passion, her wittiness, and their banter, but… you were allowed to want to bang someone you loved, weren’t you? _Isn’t that sort of the point?_ James had a headache. He’d never been one to sit on the sidelines, and he hoped Lily would initiate something soon. He was pretty confident that she would. Question was… would she want what he did?

☆☆☆

He got his answer soon enough. A few minutes after Padfoot had stormed in and demanded Wormtail and Moony join him for an ‘emergency Prongs-birthday-planning powwow,’ he heard a knock on the door. _It doesn’t even make any sense. My birthday isn’t for almost another three months…_ Then he saw who it was: _Evans, you sly minx!_

She was… _stripping?! Fuck, fuck, fuck._ How easy would it be to fall right back into their old pattern? How easy would it be to pretend like everything was okay, when it clearly wasn’t? He remembered the pain in her eyes when she tried to push him away in his house — what was to say she wouldn’t just do it again? He wanted more than just sex.

He asked her where they stood and she avoided the question. He asked what had changed, and she admitted, “Nothing really.” _But she’s here. She came to you. She_ _wants you_ _._ And she was wearing that sexy bartending outfit and, _fuck it,_ he was in. It was dumb how much he’d missed her.

It was dumb how **_dumb_** he got when she was topless. He should probably stop grinning. (He didn’t.)

After their intimate shag, he told her how she drove him crazy. Truer words he may never have spoken.

☆☆☆

 _Okay, so she wants to keep us discreet… I can work with that,_ James pondered in bed after Lily had ( _unfortunately_ ) left. Was it what he wanted? No. But life was about compromise, wasn’t it? At least they’d still get to be together some of the time. He ignored the tiny selfish voice in the back of his head that was trying to scream they were right back to where they’d started. _We’re not though,_ he defended. _We know how we feel about each other now. That means everything._

He contented himself with fantasizing about how fucking hot she’d look in the lingerie she’d picked out for herself. He hoped he wouldn’t have to just dream about it some time soon. He rolled over smiling to himself, picturing fun ways he could flirt with her from across the room at tomorrow’s party. _Maybe we’ll have to invent a secret body language code…_

☆☆☆

But she didn’t show up to the party. He didn’t understand it; she’d been flirting with him all day. At breakfast, he no longer had to fight the urge to grab her thigh, because he was now sure the move was completely welcome. In fact, she’d encouraged it, scooting even closer to him till she was practically on his lap. They’d made plans to cuddle after the party. _So where is she?_

“What the hell?” he heard Sirius say, drawing him back to the present. He followed his eye-line to see his other Beater, 4th year McKinley in a heavy, messy lip-lock with a swaying Hestia Jones.

James rolled his eyes and walked over to the younger boy, pulling him off of her.

“Hey—!” McKinley began angrily, looking at the source of his cockblock.

“No. If she can’t even stand: _no_. Just no.” James was severely disappointed in his teammate. He hadn’t needed a book to know _that._

As if on cue, Hestia rocked on her feet before collapsing, making Sirius lunge to catch her before she hit the ground. He looked to James for guidance.

With his hand still on the back of McKinley’s collar, James slowly turned to him with an icily raised eyebrow.

McKinley visibly blanched. “I have no idea! She was like this when I found her, I swear!”

James pushed him to the boys’ staircase disgustedly. “Go to your room.”

“You’re not my _dad_ , you can’t—”

“He can kick you off the team, McKinley. I’d watch it,” Sirius snarled.

The younger boy looked between the two of them, bit his tongue, and stomped up the stairs.

“Prat,” Sirius sighed.

But James was looking across the party, seeing all the other 6th year girls already passed out in various locations. “Our girls are alcoholics, Pads.”

Using their staircase trick, they got them all up to bed as stealthily as possible. The party was raging so hard, barely anyone noticed. It looked like a 2nd year girl had snuck some Firewhiskey too, so James had to ( _hypocritically)_ lightly chide her (while admiring her tenacity) and walk her back to her room as well. All her roommates obviously giggled at the sight of a handsome 6th year being at their door.

James shook his head as he walked back down to find his friends. Remus still looked embarrassed. He’d wanted to help, but couldn’t carry any of the girls himself. James decided a change in topic was required.

“So Wormtail, who we crushing on these days?”

This led to a long rant that James only half paid attention to as he angled himself towards the portrait door. After all, Evans hadn’t been in her room.

☆☆☆

“Don’t do it, Prongs. No good can come from—”

“I _have_ to,” James replied stubbornly. The two boys had snuck up to their room as the hours passed and the party finally looked like it was dying down. Sirius had watched as James got more and more fidgety, laughing extra hard to pretend like was having fun, but Sirius knew better. And he knew exactly why. James sat on his bed, the blank Map in his lap. He knew the likelihood that she was actually in trouble was very small. What were the odds that she had wandered outside of the common room and tripped into a closet and gotten stuck? _Almost zero._ But he was holding onto that little one in a million chance with everything he had. He prayed and prayed that this was all some funny little misunderstanding and he’d find her in the kitchens gorging on chocolate because ‘it’s just been one of those days.’ He looked up at Sirius with sad, pleading eyes. “You get why I have to, right?”

Sirius scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, sighing. He motioned with an open palm in a ‘do-what-you-must’ sort of way.

Feeling like he’d been granted permission, James unlocked the Map, eyes scanning the floors wildly. _Where are you, where are you…?_ But then he found her — and his heart stopped. _No. No, that’s not right. The Map’s lying._ He knew even as he thought it what it was: **denial**.

“Find her?” Sirius asked tentatively.

There was a loud ringing in his ears, but it felt like it was inside of his brain, being projected out. His eyes were glued to Lily and Adam’s overlapping labels in the Hufflepuff dorm, _in bed,_ willing them to disappear. Willing them to _move_. _Labels don’t move when they’re sleeping together…_

James wanted to puke, he wanted to yell, he wanted to blow up the whole fucking castle.

“Prongs…” Sirius said gently. _Too gently._ “Your hands are shaking.”

Remus and Peter walked in laughing, the weirdest sound in the world to him right now, and James saw his chance. He hopped off the bed and raced for the door, hoping to sneak out before—

“No!” Padfoot yelled, magicking the door closed right before James escaped.

James turned back to him mutinously, ignoring the other two very confused Marauders gaping between them, “What’s going—?”

“Let me _go_ , Pads.”

“And what are you going to do? What’s your master plan here?”

“I don’t know.”

“You just going to barge into Hufflepuff and pummel Adam?”

“I said I don’t know! All right? I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m going to do, but I can’t just sit here and do nothing—!”

Sirius stepped closer to him. “That’s _exactly_ what you’re going to do Prongs.”

James sputtered. _It hurts too much, I just want it to stop. Just please make it stop._ He wanted to either sink his fist or dick into something just to feel something other than this pain. “I don’t trust Adam! He’s bad news—”

“Come on, _really_?”

“Yes!” James cried out resentfully. “I don’t like him! I just don’t know what he's—”

“ _Prongs…_ Come on, man.” This time it was Remus softly stepping in. He’d gleaned enough from their conversation to know exactly what was going on. His patient, pitying tone was somehow worse.

“No! I’m serious! I was right about Snape, wasn’t I? That git turned out to be a Death Eater!”

“Okay, but that’s different. We all hate him,” Sirius snorted. He stood in front of James and put a hand on his shoulder. “It sucks, I get it. Honestly, I thought she’d come around to you too, but… obviously this is all new to her and she’s making mistakes, just like you did and…” He genuinely looked sorry to have to say it, and that made the situation even more real to James. “She gave you her answer, Prongs. You have to accept it.”

It was like a knife to the heart. _No, no no…_ he thought feebly. He felt like his whole world was going up in flames around him. _She told me she loves me. She said it when she thought I was sleeping; she had no one to prove it to. She told me she still wanted this_ ** _last night_** _…_ But his sappy inner voice was getting weaker, slowly being replaced by a more mocking one. _She always runs away, Prongs. This isn’t new._

She had told him over and over again what she’d wanted, time and space and to sort herself out before she could date, and he hadn’t been listening. He’d charged right ahead as though he knew better. Like he knew what was best for her. And you know what? That was bullshit. _It ends now._ Well, Lily had put an end to it herself.

 _She gave you her answer, Prongs._ Pads’ line echoed in his skull.

James shrugged off his friend’s grip and walked shakily to the bathroom, head hung in shame. He wouldn’t be leaving the dorm tonight. He couldn’t believe the thoughts that had raced through his head in the fit of rage he’d just experienced. Hang Adam by the ankles outside of the Astronomy Tower? Fuck Professor Stone in front of Lily to make her know how much this whole, stupid _free love_ thing felt like when you were more of a one-love type of person? _Who the fuck am I?_ James was disgusted by himself.

He went in the shower, as if he could wash away his own vile emotions. He sobbed for the first time in months, hating himself even more with every tear that fell. He tried masturbating, but that failed too.

☆☆☆

James wasn’t sure if he’d slept a single wink by the next morning. He was pretty sure he’d just stared at the top of his canopy, trying to accept his new reality. At least feeling lifeless was better than crying. He’d slowly felt his aching heart turn to stone over the course of the night. _Everyone has to fucking grow up sometime._

“Hey Prongs,” he heard Pads say hesitantly from the other side of his bed curtain. “We’re gonna go get an early breakfast, you wanna come?”

He’d have to buck up soon, or his friends were going to treat him like glass for an embarrassingly long time. Well, any more time at all would already have been embarrassing. “Sure.” His voice was rough and hoarse. “I’ll just get dressed real fast.”

Before he’d finished pulling his jumper on though, there was a sharp rap on the door. Marlene let herself in. “Hey, have you guys seen Lily?” she asked breathlessly.

Remus’ eyes went wide and Sirius let out a hiss. “No, _Marlene_ , we haven’t,” James snapped.

“ _Okay_ … don’t get angry with me, I’m only asking. Who pissed in your pumpkin juice?”

“You can ask _her_. She’ll probably be back from her shag any minute now.” James excused himself to go brush his teeth while Sirius talked to a shellshocked Marlene. He brushed so hard his gums bled.

The Marauders all seemed to form a protective shield around him as they walked down the staircase, and he hated it, but appreciated their loyalty all the same. They were solid best mates.

But then he saw her. His mouth tasted like acid. She was doing her walk of shame in the lingerie he’d just given her and… _she’s still wearing the necklace._ James forced a dry swallow, trying not the picture Lily having sex with someone else while his heart dangled forgotten from her neck. It was too much again. He couldn’t do this. He **wouldn’t**.

He tried to step around her, but she pleaded for him to talk to her.

“Let’s just go, you can see her later,” Sirius whispered, but James could no longer move his feet. He might be trying his best to **hate** her right now ( _do it, just fucking let me have this,_ he implored his heart), but he still couldn’t ignore the hurt in her voice. He told his friends he’d catch up to them, even though he knew she was only about to apologize to make herself feel better.

She was trying to get him to look at her, into her gorgeous soddening eyes that he adored, but… **_I can’t_**. She could do what she wanted, but he had a right to defend himself from her, didn’t he? He had the right to feel destroyed by her actions.

She tried telling him she hadn’t done anything, but her answers seemed desperate and flighty — maybe due to the embarrassment of being caught. He wished she’d at least own up to it all. It would help him move on, or at least try to. _And I most certainly can’t try if she’s within arm's reach._ He hated that his instinctive reaction to seeing her distraught was still to pull her in close and tuck her head under his chin.

He fought it and left instead.

☆☆☆

That night found the Marauders all hanging in their room, doing menial activities so they could keep an eye on James. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say it was like they were all waiting for him to throw himself out the window. _Like I’m that dramatic,_ he mumbled. He accidentally tore another sheet out of his Transfig textbook turning the page too hard.

Marlene came back to their threshold, looking anxious as hell, as she scratched her ear. “Hey guys…”

“Mar, what’s up?” Peter said happily, probably excited for a breath of fresh air.

Unfortunately that’s not what she came to deliver. “Um, bad news actually.” James’ head snapped to her. “So you know how you had to bring almost all the girls up last night?”

“Obviously,” Sirius said as he massaged his bicep as if just remembering it was sore.

“Well, turns out they were all drugged. Lily too.”

James felt his face grow hot as all eyes in the room fixed on him. “What do you mean?”

Marlene exhaled heavily. “They all drank from a bottle of Firewhiskey that Brianna can’t remember buying herself, and apparently it had some Muggle drug in it.” She shifted awkwardly. “Dor says they use it to knock girls out so they can…”

She didn’t finish her sentence, but James could feel his hands shaking again all the same. _I’m going to end him,_ was followed quickly by, _My Merlin…_ ** _Lily_** _…_ ****

“She’s fine though!” Mar tacked on panicked by his expression. “Lily, I mean. Hestia said she talked to Adam today and Dor talked to Robby who said he stayed up all night making sure she was okay. Robby’s a good guy.”

James had seen Robby’s label in the room on the Map, but had assumed that Adam had closed the bed curtains and done a muffling spell before he… they—

He would have to reconsider his position on the Hufflepuff Seeker if this was true.

James didn’t know how he was supposed to feel anymore. “You’re sure she’s all right?’

“I mean, obviously a little shaken, but yeah, all things considered.”

“Do they know who did it?” Remus asked.

“No. Lily took the contaminated bottle to Pomfrey and McGonagall though. So at least the teachers are aware of the situation.”

“Who’d wanna drug _Brianna_?” Peter said harshly.

Marlene shrugged. “Actually, she wanted me to ask you guys something.”

“Who?” James questioned.

“Brianna. She was really pestering me to find out which of you carried her upstairs.”

“Why?” Sirius asked confused.

“I dunno, please just tell me so she’ll stop bothering me about it.”

“I did,” Sirius answered. But James had lost interest in the conversation. He felt as though he’d experienced every human emotion on the planet this weekend: devoted love, stabbing betrayal, sickening worry, and a sense of relief so great he couldn’t even put it into words. He was tired, so unbelievably tired. He spent the rest of the weekend in bed.

☆☆☆

By Monday, he decided he needed to talk to Lily. James had to start being honest with himself: what they had been doing up until Friday, as magical and wonderful and awesome as it was, it wasn’t enough for him. Not forever (due to some prophecy)… because he wanted it all. He wanted to know how she was feeling and doing. He wanted the public snogs and the romantic gestures, the pet names and the sleepless nights, he wanted the bickering and the deep belly laughs, the detentions because they couldn’t keep their hands and minds off of each other and… he wanted to kiss her goodnight every evening and good morning to start every new day. He wanted love. _And that’s okay_. When he’d told her that he was going to wait for her, and give her as much time as she needed to catch up to him, he’d _meant_ it, but Friday had changed everything for him. Friday had shown him what a relationship with one foot in and one foot out could look like, _and what that could do to me._

Padfoot had also given him a little ‘man up’ pep talk about asking her out properly (‘It’s different now! We know she actually isn’t physically repulsed by you anymore,’ he’d supplied when James had argued he’d actually asked her out _plenty_ over the course of their relationship) which James appreciated.

Would it hurt like hell if she said no? Absolutely. Would he be able to move on from her? _You know what, no, but if you love something, you let them go. You set them free._ And if they really belonged together like he thought they did, she’d come back to him. _When she’s ready._ When the prophecy dust had settled and she knew what she wanted when she wasn’t living in fear. It would be on her own terms. _I can’t make this decision for her._

James had never felt less hip in his life though. _Fuck free love_. He wanted to give, and get, **commitment**.

He laid all his cards on the table for her, willing himself to be vulnerable, at least one last time. _You can’t say I didn’t try._ The way her eyes watered as they looked at him beseechingly nearly broke him. He wanted to give in, but hearing her say before had been ‘perfect’ steeled his resolve. It hadn’t been. He’d been reckless and demanding and he wanted to be better than that. They could be better than that, and he didn’t want to sink back into bad habits. These problems wouldn’t go away by ignoring them.

He promised himself he wouldn’t cry, but seeing her so upset, and still being unable to squash the pipe dream that she might choose him despite all the dangers of the world, was overwhelming. _You’re a wreck of a human being, James Potter._

When she said it was over, he could no longer deny his instinct to hug her against his chest, kissing the top of her head goodbye.

She didn’t show up to any more classes that day, and the look in his eye kept Sirius from saying a word about it to him.

☆☆☆

He didn’t know how he got by the next few weeks, but he did. His friends had taken it upon themselves to act even rowdier than usual and were always pulling him into a new prank. Peter let it slip one day that how his face had contorted in rage the night of the drugging had been ‘downright scary.’ James was embarrassed, but the way Peter said it seemed like he was oddly impressed with him. James supposed he’d never really viewed himself as a ‘scary’ bloke before.

Apparation lessons were fun though. James found that he took to it rather easily, but he watched from afar as Lily struggled. She’d adorably stand there with her eyes scrunched closed, spin, and then open them slowly as if she could delay the inevitable disappointment that came from seeing she was still standing right where she’d started. James tried not to think of what an apt metaphor it was of their relationship.

He also tried not to dwell on the fact that the power of her magic seemed so integrally linked with her emotions — more so than most.

Remus had told him in private that he didn’t think Lily had been doing too well since the breakup. He kindly talked to James about Lily like they were mature adults who would get through this. (Sirius, who James knew was still talking to her himself, would now avoid bringing up Lily to him like she was the plague. He knew he was doing it for James’ protection, but he much preferred Remus’ approach.) Remus said he’d found Lily in the middle of the lake the other day screaming at the ice like she could see something. _What the fuck?! Hallucinations? That can’t be fucking good._ He reminded himself that looking after Lily was no longer his concern — per her request.

She still wore his pendant though. She still wore it every single day. It was driving him mad.

☆☆☆

“Hey guys, tomorrow’s Lily’s birthday, right, so you coming to her party?” Marlene came in hot to the Marauders’ lunch.

“Tomorrow? Boo, we have Quidditch practice!” Sirius whined, shooting James _a look._

James had specifically booked the pitch on her birthday so he wouldn’t wallow and be tempted to do some last minute ‘big move’ to win her back. He was pretty sure he was past all that bullshit, but who knew, he was a creature of habit. Of course, this was before he knew there was going to be a party in her honor. _If you don’t go, she’ll think it’s on purpose, you know she will._ He couldn’t have her thinking that. They were fine. _We’re cool._ “Oh, I’ll just reschedule,” he tried saying as casually as he could, poking at his pasta and avoiding all eye contact. “We’ll be there.”

He could hear Marlene smiling from the way she said, “Excellent.”

He shoveled a ton of food into his mouth so he wouldn’t be able to answer any of his friends’ questions for at least a few minutes.

☆☆☆

“You bought her presents?!” Sirius asked Remus scandalized as he watched him wrap two books on healing he'd gotten for Lily.

“Of course I did, it’s her _17th birthday_ , Pads. That’s a big deal.”

“Shit. Well, I’m more of her friend than you are, and now you’re making me look bad,” Sirius complained.

Remus rolled his eyes. “You are not.”

James had to chuckle. This was a fight he never thought he’d see. He’d been grappling with whether or not to give Lily her present ever since Marlene had invited them to the party the day before. He’d had it since he was home, but it felt _far_ too sentimental now, all things considered. He knew she would have loved it had they still been together. Sometimes when his friends weren’t looking, he’d sneak a peek at the photo of them dancing in the snow that he’d put in the very same silver frame Sirius had used to try to humiliate him with over Christmas.

“Okay, well, you have two books! Let me give one of them,” Sirius bartered.

“No can do. Wormtail already asked.”

“Fuck!”

James got to his feet. “Oh relax, Padfoot. Here,” he grabbed a handful of chocolate almonds from his nightstand and transformed them into a bouquet of roses. “Done.”

“Prongs,” Sirius said seriously, “I can’t give a bird a bunch of flowers. She’ll fall for me instantly.”

James sighed exasperatedly as he charmed them from red to white. “There: less romantic.”

“Cheers!”

“You giving her anything?” Peter asked eagerly.

James messed with his hair. “Nah. I don’t think she’d want anything from me,” he answered honestly. No one responded to that.

It turned out he was wrong. When he saw her at breakfast, she couldn’t stop sending glances his way as his friends doted on her. _Her poker face has_ _not_ _improved_ ** _at all_** _._ Well, now he felt like a right git. Birthdays were supposed to be happy days, not days for petty politics and pretending to be over her. He kissed her cheek to make it up to her in the moment, a little promise that he’d give her a present at her party later… but he probably shouldn’t have done that. All the weeks of trying his damndest to move on had been washed away from a second of contact with her. He knew he wasn’t alone in the feeling that had just shot between their skin. It burned too hot to ignore. _Shit._

☆☆☆

The Marauders walked to the Astronomy Tower for Lily’s party as a pack. They’d eased up a bit on their babysitting of him in the past few days, but knowing this was a poignant event for him had put them on high alert. James rolled his eyes. He thought he’d been doing pretty good actually ( _you know, minus the whole feeling my world explode thing when I kissed her cheek_ ).

The first thing James did when they got there was strengthened the muffling charm on the door. No fun would be had if you could hear the party from a corridor away, and Lily deserved a fun party.

“All right. I’m gonna get toasted!” Sirius declared, dragging James to the drink station with him. “Everyone, shots!” he shouted to the room and was met with a loud cheer.

When Lily entered in a beautiful new dress, Pads, ham that he was, introduced her in his cheesiest announcer voice, making her do a little twirl and wave to her captive audience. James could tell she hated it but was playing along for Sirius’ sake. She looked so... _golden_. James kicked himself.

He mingled with guests and tried not to watch her all night, but he couldn’t help but see when she snuck up the spire alone. _It’s now or never,_ he decided. As he climbed up behind her, Dor and Robby came down, the former whispering, “Good luck, Captain.” He grinned despite himself.

James could tell Lily was happy to see him, even though she was currently freezing herself out here. She looked good in his cloak. Sure, it wasn’t his jersey, but he felt a warmth spread through his chest at the sight all the same. If he’d still had any lingering doubts about giving her the gift, her eagerness when he asked if she wanted it sealed the deal.

She had tears in her eyes again, and she was pushing her body into his and kept saying the word **love** and— he was kissing her. He couldn’t even be mad at himself because it was perfect. Sometimes he had no idea why he even tried. It seemed like life always had a will of its own, and was just going to chew him up and spit him out no matter what he did.

But then there was Adam. _Adam, Adam, Adam_. Seeing his face brought James back down to reality and made him remember all the things he’d been able to temporarily forget in the presence of Lily’s magic. He left the two of them alone, finding Pads sitting downstairs with Robby, talking Quidditch. He stole Sirius’ drink and downed it in one go.

Sirius looked at him with raised eyebrows. “It went that well, huh?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” James muttered. Lily and Adam had come back down the stairs and he watched as they crossed the room and walked out the door. _Not your concern, Potter._

“Ugh, I don’t know how she fucking stands him,” Robby unexpectedly snarled.

Both Sirius and James snapped their faces to him, surprised. It was so very unlike a Hufflepuff to throw another one under the bus.

“Excuse me, carry on,” Sirius said eagerly.

“Oh,” Robby said as though he hadn’t expected them to pick up on his vitriol. “It’s just… No one likes him in Hufflepuff,” he said as way of explanation. Quickly he added, “It’s not bullying or anything, he just freaks us out sometimes. Like he was fine the first few years, but then he got… I don’t know, weird.”

“What do you mean?” James pressed.

Robby shrugged. “Okay, so you know how we live in the basement?”

“Sure,” Sirius answered.

“Okay, so for a while, Hufflepuff had a mouse problem. So we set up these little humane houses that trapped them, and then we took turns taking them outside by the lake.”

Sirius sighed. “You are such a Hufflepuff.”

“Right,” Robby agreed. “But Adam wasn’t like that. He started setting up his own traps.” He grimaced. “Like these unnecessarily cruel ones. And then when they’d catch a mouse, he’d just… watch.”

“Excuse me?” James leaned his head forward.

“Yeah. Like, me and Brandon caught him _multiple_ times. It wasn’t right.”

“Did you say something?”

“Of course!” Robby defended himself. “But he’d always have these smarmy little responses about ‘eradicating vermin’ and he made it all sound so clinical, and it wasn’t like we could go to Dumbledore because he was killing mice, so we tried to let it go.”

“Okay, you _tried_?”

Robby let out the biggest sigh yet. “Yeah.” James felt like a therapist. “The girls also complained that he gave them the creeps.”

“How so?” Sirius questioned.

“I don’t know. They always just said _they knew._ I pushed my sister multiple times for something concrete, and she always just said he made her skin crawl and she couldn’t pinpoint why.” _What the fuck…_ “That’s why she had me watch him that night.”

“Rebecca wanted you to watch him? What night?”

“You know, the night all your girls got drugged? Apparently she found him trying to drag Lily’s unconscious body out the main door on her rounds. He told her he was trying to ‘shock her system awake’ with the cold, but she didn’t buy it. She told him she’d write both of them up unless he brought her back to Hufflepuff. Course as soon as he does, he puts a disillusionment charm on Lily and snuck her up to our room before she can stop him. She cornered me and begged me to stand watch over her all night since my bed is directly opposite his, so I did. Wanker tried to close his curtains too, so I had to _Evanesco_ them right off. He didn’t like that of course… I don’t get why she still hangs out with him, though.”

James loved Robby so much in this moment, he could have promised him he’d throw the next Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff Quidditch game his way, but he had more important things to tend to, _immediately_. “Pads, go to our room and check on the Map, if they’re not outside, _find them,_ ” he ordered as he got to his feet.

“Where are you going?” Sirius yelled after him.

“To make sure she’s okay!” he shouted back. _Working on my issues can wait._

James raced down the stairs, taking three at a time and cursing _two_ damn staircases that dared to move on him. He was probably overreacting, but if he wasn’t… He’d just be running outside in the middle of winter all alone for nothing. _And that doesn’t seem like the_ _worst_ _worst case scenario._

But he wasn’t alone. He saw Adam and Lily in the distance by the lake. Positively panting, he felt like he could breathe again (physically and in relief) even as his heart tanked. _She’s okay… she’s just… having a moment with another guy._ But then the scene turned. He thought Adam was touching her face, but Lily’s body was awfully rigid… and now he was screaming and **hitting her**. _Aw, fucking_ _hell no_ _._

James sprinted towards Lily with all his might, cursing when she called to him and alerted Adam of his approach, but it only added to the direness of the situation. He’d never heard Lily scream as desperately as that before. When she’d been battling the Boggart, she’d been terrified… but _this_ _?_ He pushed himself further, his muscles crying out in overexertion, but he didn’t care. He had to get to her — she was looking at him like he was her only hope, blood on her cheek, and he was screaming in his head, he just had to get there or—

_He didn’t._

James just stared at his empty palm. _No, no, that didn’t just happen, she’s still here somewhere, she’s just hiding._ He was dully aware he was screaming, he felt his vocal cords tear with the might of it, but he couldn’t see her, he couldn’t find her — _and she can’t be gone. I didn’t just fail her. This can’t be happening._ It felt as though an army of rats was trapped in his stomach, and they were trying to burrow their way out using any means necessary, eating and clawing their way through his flesh from the inside out.

“Mr Potter! What on _earth_ are you—?” James spun around to see Professor McGonagall trotting towards him in slippers and a hairnet. She stopped when she saw his tear-soaked face. “Mr Potter, are you quite all right?” Behind her, he could see Padfoot sprinting towards them, shifting from his dog to human form right before he reached them. _Why the fuck didn’t I think of that? I would have been faster cantering… I would have reached them!_

“Did you see them?” Sirius wheezed urgently.

McGonagall turned to him with her hand over her heart. “Mr Black! Never in all my years—”

“He got her.” James’ voice cracked as he looked at his best friend, eyes darting across his face as he tried to take in every last bit of comfort its familiarity provided. “Right there. He got her.” He pointed to the last spot he may ever have seen Lily alive… He wanted to hurl.

“Who got who, Mr Potter?”

Sirius saved James the question by taking over. “Minerva, we **have** to see Dumbledore, this is an emergency.”

The unprecedented seriousness of his tone made her overlook his use of her first name. “First, you must tell me what is going on, at once!”

“Adam Paxton just kidnapped Lily Evans.”

McGonagall recoiled. “Mr Black, that is a very serious accusation—”

“I saw it, Professor. He had her in a full body bind and he Disapparated her right beyond the school grounds.” He decided he’d explained himself enough and started charging back to the castle, the other two jogging to keep up. It sounded like McGonagall was still protesting, but he could only hear the blood pounding in his ears. Once past the gargoyle, he beat on the headmaster's office door and was thoroughly surprised when it opened a moment later to reveal Dumbledore sitting calmly at his desk, as if expecting them.

“I’m so sorry, Albus, they insisted it was—”

“That’s quite all right, Minerva,” Dumbledore said raising his palm in the air. “I am here, I am awake.”

“He’s got her,” James blurted out. He only wanted to say everything once, and he was afraid if he waited until his adrenaline died down, he wouldn’t be able to say it out loud at all. “Lily just got snatched. I think she was just taken to Voldemort.”

Dumbledore’s face gave nothing away, but he turned to McGonagall sharply. “Minerva, please Floo to the Ministry and tell the Aurors that Lily Evans has been kidnapped. Then get me an update on Frank Longbottom. I’d like confirmation that he’s still secure.”

McGonagall must have known about the prophecy too, James thought, because she did not look surprised at his request. Or she was just so loyal to Dumbledore that she didn’t need anything answered before she rushed off to do his tasks.

Dumbledore turned back to James, Sirius standing firmly by his side. “Please, tell me everything.”

And so James did. He told him about how the druggings were probably a failed attempt by Adam to get Lily out of the castle since he’d been caught by Rebecca Levine trying to do just that. He told him about the psychotic tendencies the other Hufflepuffs had picked up from Adam but had never reported. And he told him how just now, he’d seen Adam lure her out of her birthday party, taken her outside, hit her, and Disapparated.

“So she no longer has the Trace,” Dumbledore seemed to say more to himself than to James and Sirius. He was taking everything in so stoically, and James _hated_ his lack of emotions when he could feel his own ripping through him like a hurricane. “It sounds to me like Lily was kidnapped, but we don’t yet know of Adam’s motives.”

James lost it. _Has he not heard a single thing I’ve just said?!_ “We don’t know his motives? We DON’T KNOW HIS MOTIVES?!” he roared. “OF COURSE we know his motives, Adam’s a fucking Death Eater and he just brought Lily to his master for that dumb prophecy,” Dumbledore’s eyes flickered to Sirius, but James no longer gave a shit about discretion, “and she’s there right now, probably scared as hell and she needs our help, and we need to bring her back!”

Still calmly, Dumbledore spoke, “We can’t be sure of that, James. He could be acting by himself for different purposes. And let’s hope that’s the case, because if it’s how you believe, and he’s working for Voldemort, there’s a very strong likelihood that Miss Evans is already dead.”

The ringing in his brain was back. He felt like he was a hundred meters underwater, the pressure in his head about to implode, while everyone else was above the surface. _Already dead… already dead… already dead…_

“Prongs,” Sirius whispered, terrified.

James snapped out of it. ”No. She’s not dead. But he has her, I just… I just.” He swallowed acidic bile. “Know.”

“I know this must be very hard for you—”

“ **NO!** You don’t know shit!” James bellowed, making Sirius jump next to him. “You _knew_ she was in danger and you did _nothing_! You just let her—!”

“What should I have done?” Dumbledore asked, still annoyingly and condescendingly serene in the face of James’ complete annihilation.

“I don’t know, **ANYTHING!** How are there so many fucking Death Eaters allowed to study here? How do so many bad guys just slip through the cracks? How can Lily, who’s never hurt _anyone,_ just get fucking kidnapped right under your Merlin-damn nose?! You said she’d be **SAFE** here!”

Dumbledore just sat there, taking his abuse, and James found that he hated this response even more. _Defend yourself, you coward!_ He lunged forward and shoved all of the headmaster’s belongings off his desk to the floor. The breaking of glass mollified him for a second, but now he needed more. He grabbed for random trinkets around the room and hurled them as hard as he could, watching them pulverize to a thousand pieces against the stone walls.

“Prongs!” Sirius pleaded, sounding on the verge of tears himself as he clutched around James’ waist, trying to rein him in. “ _Stop_ —”

“NO!” He fought his grasp. “She’s _not_ dead. She’s not fucking dead!” His voice cracked on the last word, and with it he finally saw a hint of emotion flutter across the old wizard’s face. Dumbledore took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. This also enraged James further. “No, no, you don’t get to be sad, you have to fix it.” His eyes welled up. “Please, _please,_ just fix it.”

“James.” How defeated he sounded crushed him. _If he’s like this…_ He couldn’t finish the thought. “I promise I’ll do everything I can.”

McGonagall rushed back into the room in a blinding flash of green flames. “Frank’s been missing since last night,” she panted.

Dumbledore turned to Sirius. “Mr Black, please escort Mr Potter back to your dormitory.” James thought he looked more alarmed than he’d ever seen him look before. He was glad Padfoot was dragging him out of the room now. _What, was Lily going missing not enough to stir your panic, sir? Do you only care about people as far as they relate to motherfucking prophecies?!_ Later, James would be quite happy he hadn’t voiced these thoughts out loud considering all the things he’d already yelled at the esteemed wizard. But current James wasn’t in the mindset of having shame.

Current James was broken. He let Sirius lead him back to his room and push him into his bed. And after he transformed into a dog, James held him as tightly as he humanly could and sobbed into his fur as Pads occasionally whimpered and licked his face. _She’s not dead, she’s not dead, she’s not dead,_ he hummed to himself as he rocked his body back and forth for hours.

☆☆☆

James had been such a dumb, dumb child. He’d thought it had been bad after their split. He would give _anything_ to go back to those cherished times when he just pined for her from afar. Anything.

The morning after Lily’s capture, he’d almost been able to live in a fantasy world where none of it was real for a few seconds. Peter asked, annoyed, where the hell the two of them had disappeared to at the party, while Remus shushed him and all excitedly showed James a vial of lavender potion. “Look! Lily brewed me that Wolfsbane Potion I’ve been telling you about for years! I came back and found it on my nightstand! The note says the rest of the batch is in the dungeons. Apparently she just told Slughorn it was for her own ‘monthly problem’ so he wouldn’t ask any questions. Isn’t that ingenious? I’m stoked to see if it helps tonight!” James knew how over the moon ( _no pun intended_ ) Remus had to be if he wasn’t catching the look of utter misery on both his and Pads’ faces.

_She knew. She knew about Moony’s condition and she set out to aid him in a way that was already more helpful than anything I’ve ever done._

Padfoot told the other boys what had happened. They all went to class. James didn’t.

By the second day, James snuck into the girls’ dorm room while they were all out just so he could smell her from her pillowcase. His eyes landed on the Kama Sutra book on her nightstand as he lay there, trying to pretend everything was okay. She’d annotated and marked the shit out of it, circling all the positions she’d like to try, and what she thought _he’d_ like, and he found himself laughing through the tears at the amount of exclamation points she’d used in her notes. His fingers traced her scribbled lines: ' _For when he's been good!!!’_

The house-elves washed her sheets the next day and he had a near breakdown on losing her scent to the generic smell of bleach. He trudged back to his bed in a listless stupor.

He’d heard _nothing_. Not a single whisper about what the fuck had happened to Lily and when she would be coming back, _because she’s coming back,_ he decided. _She’s coming back._

James begged Sirius to get him something, **anything** to take the edge off, but he refused to help him self-medicate. James was about _this close_ to sneaking off to the hospital wing and huffing Skele-Gro; he was that desperate. Many years ago, Hogwarts had removed all the books from the library with information on how to get high through magic, but some folklore remained: Skele-Gro and overdosing on Pepperup Potion were your best bet. Whenever he was lucid, he couldn’t stop his mind from straying to what they might be doing to her, and if she was scared, and— He couldn’t stop thinking of how he should have _been_ there. And how he hoped she knew how much he loved her, because if not… It was enough to drive him crazy.

On the fourth day of skipping classes, there was a sharp knock on his door. “I told you Moony, I’m _not_ coming—”

“Oh yes you are, Mr Potter, now get up!” McGonagall said briskly, striding over to his bed. “Up!” she repeated when he just lay there, gaping up at her. Seeing a teacher in your bedroom was just so _unnatural._ “ ** _Up_**!”

This time, James jumped to his feet, dragging his sheet with him even though he was perfectly clothed in pajamas.

McGonagall crinkled her nose. “First shower, then class.” James still stared at her nonplussed. “ _Now._ ”

James felt an invisible force drag him to the bathroom before the door snapped shut automatically behind him. He looked at himself in the mirror for the first time in days. He looked like _shite._ His hair was greasy and matted, his skin pallid and sunken and he just looked… dead. He looked away.

After James was showered, brushed, and dressed, he stepped back out, not expecting his professor to still be standing there, but she was. “That’s better, now let’s go.”

Having no choice, James trotted obediently behind her, waiting for a reaming that never came. The closest she got was saying, “Don’t let this happen again, Potter. Wallowing won’t bring her back any quicker,” before she stepped back into her classroom and started her lecture like they didn’t only have 20 minutes left until the next one. All his classmates shot curious glances at him while he took a seat in the back of the room, but he didn’t care. _Minnie also doesn’t think she’s dead. And she’s right, I should be_ _doing something_ _._

☆☆☆

Not knowing where else to start, James found himself outside of Professor Harris’ classroom at the end of the day as her last students milled out. She looked anxious to see him, but not all together that surprised.

“Mr Potter,” she said whimsically as she invited him in. “I’ve been expecting you.”

 _I’m sure you have._ “Can you still see her? Lily, can you still see her path or future or whatever?” James rushed out.

“I still feel her aura, yes.” Harris nodded.

“So? Where is she?” James’ eyes studied her face hungrily for any hint of an answer. “How is she?”

Harris put a soothing hand on James’ arm and he fought to not flinch it off — this woman was currently his only hope. “As I told Dumbledore, Divination does not work that way. It isn’t a clear science like the other subjects.” She got a far off look as she moved to the window. “I can only see what it wants me to see.”

“But Professor, you said you could still feel her aura, yes?” He was latching on to that nugget like it was his lifeline. “So that means—”

“That she’s alive, yes. For how much longer, I cannot say.” James drew in a shaky breath. He was about to ask her another question, but she spoke again. “Your destinies are intertwined. Did you know this?”

James shrugged. _Sure, kinda_.

“I have always known this.” The way she said it made it sound like she was ashamed of something.

“Do you know how they’re intertwined?”

“Yes.” _That’s all she’s giving me, really?_

“Can you—”

“No, Mr Potter. I cannot elaborate. I have probably already said too much.” She turned and walked away, looking like she hoped to make a speedy exit.

“Wait!” James cried out desperately. “You know something. _Please._ Tell me.” She froze mid step, but didn’t turn around. “Please, Professor.” If getting on his hands and knees would have worked, he would have done it. ”I love her.” He didn’t know why he admitted this to a teacher he’d never even gotten along with that well, but somehow he knew it was the right thing to say.

He saw the smallest sliver of her profile over her shoulder as she considered her words for a beat. “He doesn’t know he has to kill her.” She walked to her private quarters and locked the door behind her.

 _What?_ James’ head spun. Voldemort didn’t _know?!_ It made absolutely no sense, but for the first time in days, James had the tiniest glimmer of hope, and he was going to hold onto it for as long as he could.

☆☆☆

Over the next few weeks, James probably lost a stone. His appetite for food had completely depleted along with his appetite for life. He’d also tried to resign as Quidditch Captain, no longer giving a shit about practice, but since the next game wasn’t until March, McGonagall had only accepted a ‘temporary leave of absence’ and assigned Sirius to be interim assistant coach. James didn’t know why she bothered. He couldn’t even stomach _looking_ at the pitch right now, let alone flying in it.

He’d completely drawn in upon himself, snapping at anyone who tried to talk to him. Everyone else’s bullshit just seemed so damn trivial when Lily was _busy being held hostage by a murderous psychopath._ Obviously, rumors had started flying with her and Adam’s sudden departure, the prevailing one being that they’d run away together, fully in love. James’ haggard appearance gave all too much credence to this theory.

James noticed, as the days crawled by, that the Slytherins’ sneers in his direction got more pronounced and prevalent. This all came to a head one day in an outdoor courtyard where the Marauders were lounging. His friends had long since expected any active participation from him. They knew the only things he could currently vocalize were his constant worry for Lily’s unknown whereabouts and his frustration over the fact that they weren’t fucking _doing_ anything to save her. They’d been highly sympathetic for the first two weeks, but evidently that was the limit on talking about things ‘you can’t change’ when there had been zero updates. (And apparently addressing a letter to Voldemort, giving it to your owl, hopping on your broom, and just following wherever it flew was _not_ a viable option.) James was growing increasingly resentful at the headmaster for keeping him out of the loop.

James felt like he was bleeding out in the middle of a crowded street, barely hanging on, and everyone was just walking around him, giving him pitying glances but not summoning any healers to help him.

A group of Slytherins walked by and Avery made sure to ram into James’ shoulder as he passed.

“Hey, watch it, git,” Sirius snarled, flanking James protectively almost instantly.

“Oh sorry,” Avery smiled, “didn’t see him there while he wilted away over his Mudblood whore.”

Avery’s lackeys laughed while James felt four hands on his arms and shoulders pulling him back. “ **Fuck you** , Avery,” he ground out.

“Ha hoo, he speaks! Is there anything you’d like me to pass along? You see, the Mudblood and I have grown pretty _close_ these past few weeks, wouldn’t you say boys?”

James thrashed wildly, seeing absolute red. _He knows where she is, he’s seen her!_ James wanted to beat it out of him. “ _Where is she?!_ ” he raged desperately.

“Aw, where is she, _where is she?_ ” Avery taunted in a baby voice. “Should I tell him?”

“Nah,” Nott replied, laughing. “Don’t wanna ruin the fun.”

“Let go of me!” James whispered furiously to his friends, trying to shake them off. “I swear to _Merlin_ , Avery, if you so much as hurt a hair on her head—”

Avery laughed. “Oh, I’m not exactly touching her _head,_ Potter. Let’s just say if you ever see her again, she might not exactly _feel the same—_ ”

Sirius growled at the same time James did, and without him to hold James back, they were both able to lung at the group, throwing punches blindly. Remus joined in reluctantly and soon it was an all out brawl. All James knew was that before long, he had his hands wrapped around Avery’s neck and the _sick fuck_ was smiling, **_smiling_** , up at him, his teeth and the back of his head bloodied up from where James was currently trying to bash it into the cobblestone… and in that moment, James knew Avery had won. The Slytherin let out a maniacal chuckle as he watched that realization streak across James’ hazel eyes, making him recoil back. Suddenly, the fight was happening in slow motion all around him as he drew back his cracked, shaking hands, staring at them like he had no idea who they could possibly belong to.

Professor Sprout broke the fight up shortly after but James refused to go to the hospital wing to tend to his injuries, wanting to dwell in the physical pain instead. He had to go see the headmaster tomorrow.

When he returned to his bed a few hours later, he found Lily’s heart necklace resting on his pillow. It was coated in her blood.


	37. Captive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Torture
> 
> You know yourself, please do not read this if you think you will be uncomfortable with it.

**_Later, Lily’s 17th Birthday, 6th Year_ **

Lily landed with a thud onto her back, knocking the wind completely out of her. Before she could catch it back, Adam had her hands tied together in ropes. “ **FUCK**!” he bellowed, kicking her side as he tore his hands through his hair. “ _Fuck_! He saw me. He fucking saw me,” he muttered to himself while he paced back and forth. Lily took in her surroundings. It looked like Adam had Apparated them to a long gravel driveway lined with tall bare trees. She shivered, both in fear and due to the thick layer of fog that was rolling by in the dead of night. _Where the hell are we?_

“You realize this means I can’t go back to Hogwarts, right? FUCK.” Lily’s mind whirled. _James saw us..._ _James knows I got kidnapped; he’ll tell Dumbledore… at least they’ll know._ She still felt like she was about to die, but at least James wouldn’t hate her/her imposter when she did. James’ eyes, terrified and molten, swam into her vision. ‘ _Don’t you dare give up on me now, Evans_ ,’ she heard his voice in her head.

“Fucking Potter! I should have killed him when I had the chance! _Shit_.” This time Lily braced herself for a second kick to her abdomen. It didn’t hurt as much considering Adam had kicked the frame James had just gifted her, hidden in her cloak pocket, and she heard it shatter. “Get up,” he demanded.

It was surprisingly hard to do considering her hands were restrained. Once she’d managed, she used his distracted state to her advantage and stomped him as hard as she could in the knee, resulting in a sickening crack. _Don’t you dare fucking threaten James!_

He screamed, hit her with another spell, and Lily’s vision went black.

☆☆☆

“You have done remarkably well, Adam,” Lily heard a man hiss as she slowly regained consciousness. “Your loyalty will be rewarded.”

“Thank you, Master,” Adam groveled in return. Lily wanted to hurl.

“Ah, the Mudblood has awoken.” Lily’s eyes snapped open, having no idea how Voldemort had known since she was considering playing dead and eavesdropping for as long as she could. The wizard looked just like the vision she’d had at the lake: glowing red eyes, puffy, unnatural looking waxy face, and an expression that would make anyone shudder. He was _evil._ In the lake, she’d thought he looked that way because his skin was waterlogged, but here on land — it was almost as if his face had been altered through too much plastic surgery or botox. It just looked _wrong._

She was in a cell. _Like an animal…_ Lying on his back not too far away from her on the other side of bars was an unconscious man. _Frank? Is he…?_

“He’s not dead.” Lily’s eyes snapped back to red ones and suddenly she had a splitting headache. “Just resting.” His lips curled into a disturbing smile.

“What do you want from me?” she sat straight up, trying to project all the confidence she didn’t have. She wasn’t about to die cowering. If she was going to be murdered, it would be straight-backed and proud.

He looked over her as if appraising her threat level. Lily gathered his assessment: low. “We’ll see _,_ ” he hissed and turned around, black cloak billowing behind him as he exited the room. “Come Adam, we have a meeting to prepare for.”

Adam limped to follow him. “You’re pathetic,” Lily spat after him, making him stop in his tracks. She smirked, knowing she was pissing him off. “No wonder your parents never loved you.” She was mad, so fucking mad, that this little cunt had sold her out.

“Shut _up._ ” Adam growled, back stiffening.

“Paxton was ten times the man you’ll ever be,” Lily pushed. Was she trying to have him kill her? _Maybe, a quick death would probably be more merciful than what they have planned._

Adam spun around, wand outstretched to her, but instantly crumbled to the floor, writhing in pain. “You _fool_!” Voldemort had stormed back in. “Can’t you see she’s trying to provoke you?” Lily sat shocked as she watched Voldemort torture his own follower, _because he’s just annoyed?_ “I’ve told you, _I need her_ ** _alive!_** ”

“Yes, Master, I’m sorry… please forgive me…” Lily looked at the scene in absolute horror. _What the fuck…?_

They slammed the door to the tiny two cell room, rattling the bars. _He wants me alive… but why?_ Dumbledore had told her the prophecy said Voldemort needed to kill her, not keep her… had someone lied to Dumbledore? To Voldemort? The prophecy’s words must have morphed somewhere along the lines…

 _Unless he only needs me alive up to a certain point?_ What would be worse: being kept alive for a more meaningful slaughter, or indefinitely like this? Lily didn’t want to find out. She knew the statistics; she knew the probability of her escaping was infinitesimally low right now, but her best bet was to stay angry and not give in to despair _._ When she hadn’t hit Snape back it had been from shock and horror; when she hadn’t fought back against Rick it was because she had to live with him and he could ruin her and Petunia’s lives… but now? She had to fight, she had to find a way out, she had to survive. She squeezed her conjoined hands into her pocket, extracting the largest shard of glass she could find and positioning it in her fingers towards the rope. She manipulated it back and forth, feeling like she was slicing her fingertips as much as the ropes, but _priorities._ “Frank,” she whispered urgently. “Frank!” The man didn’t budge. She scooted to the bars separating them and tried to squeeze her foot through to nudge him, but he was **out**. “ _Fuck_.”

She eventually severed the rope, unraveling it with bloodied hands and threw it roughly to the floor as she stood up. Quickly pulling the broken frame from her pocket, she took out the picture of her and James and folded and stuffed it into her bosom. Lily didn’t want them taking it from her. She felt a rush of strength flood her veins as she remembered just what she was fighting to go home to.

She walked around her cage, looking for a weakness in the iron bars, shaking and kicking them, ignoring the sharp resulting pain that shot up her toe. They were solid and she sure as hell didn’t have the key. _But that’s not the only way out…_ She turned to the wall, looking at a single, small window streaming in the moonlight. She had no idea how high up they were. _Guess it’s time to find out then._ She picked up the silver frame and rammed it into the glass above her head, cracking the window. She pounded away, making the chip bigger and bigger, forcing her arms to continue the assault through their pained protests. “Come _on,_ ” she muttered, giving one last almighty heave, causing it to finally shatter. She used the frame to rake the glass clean out of the window and push it fully outside. Then, using all the upper body strength she had, she hoisted herself up, getting her butt on the ledge and ducking her head through. They were one story up. Jumping down would be painful, but hopefully not break anything. “Frank!” she tried one more time, despite her rising panic. It wasn’t like breaking glass was an altogether quiet process. She surveyed the room. Even if he did wake up, they were screwed: the window was fully on her side of the bars. “I’ll come back for you, I promise,” she said to the unconscious brunette, squashing her legs to her body while she maneuvered them to face out. She had to find a wand. Basically, she had to escape, only to find a way back in. She took a big breath, and jumped.

Her knees took most of the impact and she rolled forward, ignoring all the shooting pains. It didn’t help that the ground felt frozen solid, offering no leniency in her descent. She limped on, trying to crouch out of sight of the stone castle’s various windows.

She didn’t have a plan, she didn’t have a clue, but most importantly, she didn’t have **magic**. She’d never been particularly stealthy, and until James, she’d never really had any reason to sneak around. _Think, Lily, think!_ she pushed herself as she scurried around a bush.

She stilled when she saw gigantic black gates opening in the distance, letting in a slew of people. Professor Stone was at the helm, followed by Avery, Nott, Regulus Black, a hooded figure she couldn’t see the face of… and Evan Rosier, bringing up the rear _. I knew it, I_ _fucking_ _knew it!_ Lily cried internally, sinking lower behind the bush. All of them but Rosier and the hooded stranger were laughing and having a grand old time, looking like they were off to see a Quidditch match instead of… _What are they all doing here?! Voldemort did mention a meeting… about what?_

Right before they entered the castle, Stone stopped and reached into her pocket skeptically as the boys continued around her. “You coming?” Avery asked when he noticed she’d halted.

“Yes,” she replied, giving a sickly smile. “Go ahead, I’ll be right there.”

“Don’t keep him waiting Jennifer, you know how much he hates it.”

She scoffed. “Okay, baby Avery, run along now,” she mocked while she walked in Lily’s direction, making her stomach lurch. She was hidden, but her hair was still red; there was only so much she could realistically do. Lily watched horrified as Stone pulled out a little whistling glass ball, getting louder and spinning more furiously with every step in her direction she took. _It’s a Sneakoscope!_ Lily was screwed.

Stone blew the bush covering Lily apart, dirt and roots spraying up in the air as Lily was knocked onto her back, trying to crawl backwards, pushing off the ground frantically with her palms. Staring at the tip of Stone’s wand, she knew escape was futile.

The twenty-something year old smirked absolutely delighted. “Miss Evans… leaving so soon? And here I thought this whole event was in your honor.”

Lily had always known her professor was a bitch, but somehow _this,_ the all-encompassing loathing in her eyes, was beyond her wildest imaginative musings. She found she didn’t even know what to say.

“Poor Adam. He was so eager to prove himself. Looks like he’ll have to share the glory now that we’ve _both_ brought you in tonight.”

Lily finally found her voice. “You’re a teacher.” Stone laughed so Lily got louder. “Students trust you! _Dumbledore_ trusts you!”

Stone crouched down to her level. “Well, sounds like his first mistake, now doesn’t it? If he believes I’m only there to teach a bunch of dumb kids, does that make him the fool, or me?” She tilted her head as though curious as to what Lily’s rebuttal could possibly be.

“ **You’re** the asshole. If someone lets you get away with bad behavior, _you’re_ still the dick who did the bad shit.”

“What a silly little girl response, Mudblood. Maybe when you grow up a little, you’ll understand how things operate in the real world.” She rose to her feet and Lily found herself immobilized and floating behind a Death Eater for the second time that night. Only now, the immobilization spell was strong.

She felt her throat go dry as she was forced to look straight up, the stars soon being replaced by chandeliers flickering with candles, as she was brought back inside the castle. Lily prayed there’d be more chances to make a run for it, but she had a sneaking suspicion there really wouldn’t be.

Stone opened a door and suddenly Lily heard a cacophony of shouts. “Look what _I_ found!” her old teacher sang, making a hush fall over the ( _dozens?_ ) of people who were gathered there. “Hiding behind a bush like a scared little mouse.”

“Why, what an ungrateful guest we have here. She’ll have to learn her manners sooner rather than later, won’t she?” Lily knew that was Voldemort’s high voice now, even before all his grimy sycophants obediently chuckled at his lame joke.

Lily was dropped unceremoniously into a heap on a long, oak table, but found herself in a weird bubble, trapping her in the confined space. On the other side of the table, she saw Frank, now conscious, suspended by his own multicolored film, eyes filled with dread. She scanned the room… There were so many of them: the classmates she’d recognized, but also some older kids that had already graduated. _Bellatrix, Macnair, Narcissa, Lucius…_ And for every young adult, there seemed to be a creepy dad, leering at her lecherously. She was suddenly horribly reminded that her legs were bare.

Her gaze settled just to her right on her former best friend. _Snape._ “You vile, greasy little —” she screamed, banging her fists against her bubble, tears of pure rage streaming down her face. Before Adam, there had been Severus. _He_ had tried to bring her here first. _He_ had pretended to be her friend for years, and for what? To turn her in at the opportune time? She wanted to throttle him. She’d _trusted_ him, given him her time and company, only to have him pretend like they didn’t know each other now. He couldn’t even look her in the eye while she yelled.

“We have a feral one,” Voldemort announced, lifting her bubble, with Lily in it, into the air and hovering it closer to the head of the table where he sat. “I suppose it’s what’s to be expected from all the Muggle blood that runs through her veins.” There was a murmur of agreement around the table. Lily noticed that Stone had sat herself down next to Bellatrix, a girl who she remembered as being verifiably insane. “Now, I’m sure you all are wondering why I summoned you here in the middle of the night.” To Voldemort’s left sat Adam, smiling up at Lily smugly. Her skin crawled. “At the end of the summer, a prophecy was made about how I could achieve invincibility.” He stood up, relishing the undivided attention his cult followers were bestowing upon him. “Naturally… I had to know. But the one who made the prophecy ended up being… let’s say, tough to crack.” There were a few more eerie laughs. _Professor Harris?!_ “Luckily, the other side is quite prone to having weaknesses.” Voldemort flicked his wand and a small door opened along the wall, revealing a shivering little Indian girl, perhaps 6 or 7 years old, cowering inside the cupboard he’d just uncovered. All Lily saw in the room was a child-size bed that could barely fit. The girl wore a dirtied summer dress. _Probably because that’s when she was kidnapped…_ Lily couldn’t help but feel the bite of the uncomfortable gold sequins digging into her thighs. _Is that…?_ “Turns out the Seer had a daughter. A daughter whom she would very much like to see again apparently.” Somehow the older Death Eaters chuckled the hardest at this — as if having kids had somehow made them more aware of the abject cruelty of having one being taken away.

Lily noticed the little girl made no move to come out of her tiny room, clearly traumatized. She wanted to reach out to her, engulf her in a hug, and tell her everything would be all right. She wanted to lie to her.

Voldemort snapped her door back shut. “As long as I have her daughter, she will not reveal that she has told me the prophecy. As long as I have her, she will not say that _I_ now hold the knowledge of defeating death.” As Voldemort fully started to brag, Lily’s eyes found Frank’s. They shared a look: _We’re fucked._ For the first time, Lily noticed a gigantic snake slithering across the floor, making some of the Death Eaters twitch as it passed. “Turns out,” Voldemort continued, “all I have to do… is keep a Mudblood and an accountant in my possession!” A few people sniggered while the others looked around nervously, not knowing if they were allowed to join in. It wasn’t like Voldemort was blessed with comedic timing.

“So there are some congratulations in order. My most loyal follower, Bellatrix,” Lily almost laughed watching Adam deflate, thinking the praise was going to be for him, “was able to track down Frank Longbottom and bring him in.” Bellatrix, pure black hair bushy and as crazed as the gleam in her eyes, stood up, smiling and licking her tongue over her upper lip as she regarded Frank. She would have been drop-dead gorgeous if she didn’t look like she’d bite your head off after she was done with you.

“It was my pleasure, my Lord.” She simpered before sitting back down. She looked pointedly to certain men around the room as if saying, ‘and what the hell have you done?’

“Secondly, we have Jennifer. As you all know, she accepted a job at Hogwarts this year to work on our recruitment for the next generation. She has brought in some promising youth who might not otherwise have made their way to us. Snape… Oclet… and _Paxton._ ” Finally he acknowledged Adam, and Lily watched as all eyes in the room found him for the first time. He stood up proudly amongst the slow spread of whispers of his peers. “Yes, yes, welcome, welcome!” Voldemort tapped his hands together awkwardly. “Let me introduce our newest Death Eater: Adam Paxton, who secured me the Mudblood.” Lily gasped as her bubble thrust her forward, and she slowly started rotating. She drew James’ cloak closer against her body protectively. “Adam, as some of you are aware, is a Hogwarts student. Jennifer was able to see his potential early, and brought him to me. You see, Adam had a special advantage that the rest of you didn’t. Adam was a Hufflepuff.” On one of Lily’s rotations, she saw Adam’s cheeks redden like Voldemort had just outed his darkest secret. “As such, the Mudblood had no suspicion of him when he seduced her.” _What the fuck; excuse me?!_ “I assigned him to get her to me by any means necessary. And I do appreciate a man who goes above and beyond the call of duty.” There were more lewd sniggers.

“Thank you, Master.”

“Liar!” Lily screamed. She realized her bubble must be soundproof. It only made her howl harder.

“I understand quite a few of you find this thing…” he sneered, looking up at Lily, “attractive, so I’m sure her presence will boost moral.” Lily choked on her yells… _What the fuck does that mean?_ She hated every single look she was getting with a vengeance. She’d never felt more like a piece of meat in her life. “Oh yes, and I understand today is her 17th birthday… for another 8 minutes. Happy birthday, Mudblood.” He turned to Stone. “Jennifer, as you just found her wandering around the grounds, would you like to do the honors?”

“I would love to, my Lord.” Stone stood up, pointing her wand at Lily and making her constrictive bubble disappear and depositing her feet onto the table. “ _Imperio._ ”

 _This bitch fucking would,_ Lily thought savagely. Her whole body tensed before she remembered she should probably play along. _Sure, it’s like 30 to 2 in here, but… it’s better than nothing, right?_ She forced her shoulders to relax and put a vacant smile on her face, looking forward.

“Good girl, take off your cloak,” Stone’s cold voice commanded in her head. Lily obeyed and heard wolf whistles that she tried to ignore as she was left in just her gold mini-dress. “Now give us a walk.” Lily knew if she was really _Imperio_ ed, she would be acting like she hadn’t just tweaked one of her ankles, so she tried strutting through the pain while she subtly scoped out the exits. There was one directly in front of her, but there was no way she could jump over the chair and make a dash for it without being hit in the back with a dozen curses. She kept pretending. _Maybe I can ‘accidentally’ kick someone’s wand off the table?_

“You know why I _Imperio_ ed you in class, Mudblood?” Lily fought a shiver, knowing Stone was talking in her head just for her now, not even to issue her any more commands. “The Dark Lord kept telling me you were special somehow, so very special… but I knew the truth. You’re just your average whore with your average whore skill set. You’re not special. You’re worthless.” Lily had gotten to the end of the table, and turned around, ready to walk past all their hungry stares again. There was another door at that end of the room too, but Voldemort had just resumed his seat at the head of the table. She didn’t particularly like her odds of clearing his head if she jumped.

Out loud, Stone spoke to the group, “All right, lads, what should I have the Mudblood whore do?”

Lily’s blood boiled. It was one thing to be called that by an insecure greaseball who she’d just rejected… but to hear it from another **_woman_** , a woman who was old enough to know better and who was only trying to placate foul men? She completely lost it. Shrieking, she turned to a shellshocked Stone who she was just passing and walloped her in the face, throwing her whole body into her and knocking both of them over her chair. Absolute chaos erupted around them as some of the cult’s bloodlust was finally quenched. Lily would later remark how there truly was no honor among sociopaths, as over half of them would probably have let her bludgeon her old professor to death for entertainment instead of stepping in to help their fellow comrade.

A small knife to the throat stopped Lily. Turned out Stone had an admirer in Bellatrix. Lily felt her scalp being pulled back by her hair, a few strands breaking off painfully, as the blade cut lightly into her skin. “How _dare_ you spill pure blood,” Bellatrix’s low maniacal voice scratched her eardrum.

Stone pushed herself up, one of her eyes already swelling shut. “Gimme that!” she snarled, taking Bellatrix’s knife from her fist. She drove the blade into Lily’s forearm, eliciting a bloodcurdling scream. Bellatrix and Stone wore matching expressions of pure glee. Stone dragged the knife down while Bellatrix held Lily’s head and wrist steady. Over her wails, Stone yelled, “Just so you don’t forget what you are.”

Seven slashes later, she stopped, tapping her wand to Lily’s wound, cauterizing it immediately. After all, her master wanted Lily **alive**. Lily felt the blood that had already been cut out flow down her arm all the same.

“Hey look, it works from both angles,” Bellatrix cooed. Lily looked at the stab morbidly curious despite the rising nausea. Stone had carved the initials _MW._

“Mudblood Whore,” Stone whispered softly, tilting her head in mock sweetness. “Do you like it?”

Lily knew she should bite her tongue. She knew that unless she wanted a matching scar on her forehead, she should probably cut her loses and shut up, but she was livid. Perhaps it was the complete hopelessness of the situation, or the confidence she’d gained in herself this year, but she was not going down without raising hell anymore. She spat right into Stone’s good eye.

“Dirty little—!”

“ **Enough** ,” Voldemort interrupted bored, levitating Lily back out of Bellatrix’s clutches. The way Stone watched her leave told Lily the witch was definitely not done with her. “Now, over the next few days, I hope to unearth these two’s significance. If any of you would like to help me with this, be my guest. Obviously this will be harder for those of you still in school, but whenever you can sneak out would be fine. A talent for Legilimency is always helpful. Just remember, I need them alive. Consequences of injuring one beyond repair will be… severe.”

☆☆☆

The rest of their meeting continued with a lot less dramatics as they spoke of the logistics of their next planned attack on a Muggle concert. For some reason, Voldemort seemed obsessed with getting a cornucopia of dead bodies. Lily shuddered to think why. She couldn’t believe they were just allowing Frank and her to hear all their secrets. _They might just_ Obliviate _us later… Or they’re just that confident that we’ll never see the light of day again._

Afterwards, Voldemort floated them back to their cells, installing bars in the window and a magically enforced chain around Lily’s neck himself. He let out a shrill laugh as she shivered. She had a sneaking suspicion he had made the chain extra spiky and uncomfortable on purpose. “It’s such a shame you broke the window. It’s about to snow.”

The door shut, and with it crumbled the last of Lily’s show of dignity. She was tied up like an abused dog in a freezing cage.

“Here, take this,” Frank offered gallantly, shrugging off his sweater vest. “Sorry it doesn’t have sleeves.”

“Oh, I couldn’t—”

“Please. You’ll freeze to death.” He stuffed it through the bars.

“Thanks,” she muttered, ramming her arms into it. She couldn’t even pull the fabric over her head due to her pronged collar. At least this way she didn’t have to stare at her ghastly new branding.

“It’s Lily, right? I think I remember seeing your hair around. I’m Frank.”

“Hi Frank.” He seemed to have noticed she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and was determined to distract her from the pain throbbing throughout her body. “You were a Prefect a couple years ago, right?”

“Yup, then Head Boy. Proud Hufflepuff, don’t let that bastard downstairs fool you, we’re normally good people.” He was a nervous talker, but she found that she didn’t mind.

“Heh, excuse my current skepticism.”

“So, you already escaped? I woke up to Voldemort screeching and broken, bloody glass in your cell,” Frank said impressed. “Let me guess, you’re a Gryffindor?”

Lily smiled. “Dumb stuff’s what we do.”

Frank chuckled. “My Alice is the same way.”

“Your fiancée?”

Frank glowed, getting a dreamy look in his eyes. “Yes. We were in the same year. Never would have imagined that a girl like that would be interested in a guy like me,” he admitted cutely.

“Why not?” Lily asked amused. Sure, he was a bit pudgy, but he was tall, had a kind face, and was clearly a good conversationalist.

“Oh, you’ll see when you meet her,” Lily admired his optimism that she’d have the chance, “she’s so far out of my league. Dumbledore really helped me out by making us Head Girl and Boy together. We have this little running joke that he always puts two students who he secretly wants to end up in love in charge since you share all that work and a private common room and…” He cleared his throat. “So yeah, she’s this badass Gryffindor Auror, and I’m… well, like Voldemort just mentioned, an accountant for the Ministry.”

“I think he was very impressed actually,” Lily teased, making Frank laugh. “I don’t know if you’ve met Macnair or Nott, but I’m not sure if those two can even count.”

“There did seem to be a few trolls in that lot,” Frank agreed. A silence fell between them. They could joke all they wanted: having been suspended before a group of Death Eaters while completely defenseless was the scariest thing that Lily had ever experienced.

“What do you think they’ll do to us?” Lily whispered, scooting as close to his bars as her chain allowed her to go and leaning back against the wall.

Frank mirrored her position. “I’m not sure. Did Dumbledore tell you the prophecy too…?”

“Yeah,” Lily murmured back. They could never be too careful when inside enemy walls. “I wonder what happened. Also, I never got why _me_.”

“Yeah, me neither. Guess that’s what Voldemort’s going to try to figure out.” Lily blanched — she didn’t want to know what kinds of methods he’d employ. Frank seemed to be thinking along the same lines. “Alice says he can read minds.”

“Legilimency,” Lily muttered, piecing it together.

“Yeah.” Frank nodded gravely.

“My old friend was trying to learn how to do that. Would always beg me to let him practice on my mind,” Lily admitted. She could still remember the fights like they were yesterday. She’d pointed out that friends didn’t ask that of their friends — Snape had replied that if she were truly a good friend, he wouldn’t even have had to ask. Lily was pretty certain he just wanted an excuse to get a peek into her thoughts.

Frank turned to her. “Well… that’s a touch creepy.”

“I know.” Lily nodded, staring blankly at the wall in front of her. “He was here tonight.”

“The guy who brought you in that Voldemort introduced?”

“No. The one I tried to lunge at when I first got to the table,” Lily replied tonelessly.

“You were friends with him?!” Frank asked horrified.

“Best friends from childhood.”

“Woof.”

“Yep. Glad I ditched him.”

“I’ll say.”

“My new best friend’s boyfriend was also there.”

“ _What?!_ ” Frank did a scandalized double-take.

“Yep.” Lily popped the p. “I tried telling her I had my suspicions, but she’s too in love with him. She refused to see it.”

“Well, she’ll have to believe you when you tell her now.” _More of that blind optimism._ “If not, I can back you up.”

She smiled at him. “Thanks Frank.”

“Course.” He shrugged. “Sorry your own boyfriend ended up being a Death Eater too.”

Lily’s eyes went wide. “No! Ew, I’m not with that asshole. He was lying!” she defended herself.

“Oh, thank Merlin,” Frank sighed. “I was worried I’d have to help you through a kidnapping _and_ a breakup.”

Lily snorted watching his brown eyes twinkle. “You miss Hogwarts drama?“

“Not a day of my life,” he laughed. “But it looks like it’s still following me.” Lily raised her eyebrows questioningly, so he continued. “Bellatrix, she’s the one who found me. She got me while Alice was at work, because she refused to fully go into hiding with me, said she doesn’t bow down to terrorists, yaddy yada.” Lily grinned, she really couldn’t wait to meet this woman. “Course I bet she’s regretting that now. She knows I’m worthless at defense without her.” He smiled fondly. “Much more into plants and Arithmancy. Anyway, Bellatrix was our year and… well.” Frank’s cheeks reddened. “She was sort of… obsessed with me.”

The concept wasn’t funny, but his reaction to it sure was amusing. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, it was the strangest thing. She’d corner me in classes and trip me in the halls. At first I thought it was just bullying, but then she started,” his face could not have flushed harder, “ _saying_ things to me.”

There was a long beat. “Frank, you know you’re gonna have to tell me what she said now.”

He shifted. “It was so weird. Just gross, sexual things. I don’t know, I think she viewed me as some sort of Pureblood pet. Obviously, she never forgave me for going out with Alice. But of course Alice wasn’t afraid and put her in her place every chance she got.” The way he infused Alice’s name with love every time he said it made her own heart warm. “So yeah. Guess I wasn’t too surprised that she was the one who found me. But I am surprised you’re the one wearing a collar.”

Lily huffed. “Just wait. There’s still time for yours.” She knew what they were doing: jesting to push back the crippling and paralyzing fear lurking just around the corner. They were pretending to be two friendly strangers at a bar, sharing a polite conversation, not two young people worried for their lives.

“I suppose so.” He swallowed. “So how’d the not-boyfriend bloke get ya?”

“Stole me away from my own birthday party.”

“Oh yeah, happy birthday!”

Lily snorted. “Thanks. This is definitely one for the books.” Her face darkened. “He pretended to be my friend for a year. Killed his whole family so we’d be orphans together.” Frank didn’t know how to respond to that, so Lily went on. “He tried the romantic route, but I was too into someone else.”

“Oh?” Frank looked at her expectantly. “Do I know him? I did only leave Hogwarts three years ago.”

Lily grinned just thinking about James. “You might.”

“Well?”

Lily scratched her cheek through his sweater. “James.”

“James who?”

“James Potter.” She felt herself blush.

“No,” Frank declared dramatically. “James _Fleamont_ Potter? Please tell me there’s another one.”

Lily shook her head. “What? Why? And how do you know his _middle name_?”

“He was such a little… rascal,” Frank sputtered. “You’d know someone’s middle name for life if you had to write out a thousand detention slips for them.”

“A thousand?” Lily raised a challenging eyebrow.

“Okay, I’m exaggerating for emphasis,” Frank conceded, “but there were a metric ton of them. That’s an official accountant unit of measure.”

“You’re awfully funny for an accountant.”

“Ha, Alice tells me that all the time.”

Lily rubbed her legs, trying to warm them. “Well, he was 13 when you last knew him, right? He’s changed a bit since then.”

“Mm hm,” Frank played along like he didn’t believe her one bit. Or maybe that he _did_ , but that the changes had been in an area that Lily would appreciate but he wouldn’t. _Well, that’s true too…_ Lily indulged herself in a little daydream of James’ broad shoulders and strong arms. She supposed she couldn’t blame Frank’s incredulity on the matter —her judgement had been severely called into question on multiple occasions in the very limited time they’d spent together. _Normal girls probably haven’t hung out with this many Death Eaters… especially Muggle-borns girls._

“He did!” Lily defended. “He got really sweet by the next year, but then he had a really moody phase… but he’s beginning to snap out of it now…”

“He sounds like an absolute charmer.”

“Shut up,” Lily muttered biting back a grin. She couldn’t believe she’d only known this guy for a few minutes and they were already spilling their souls to one another. She guessed life or death situations would do that to a person.

Frank was just _nice._ She felt like she could trust him. He smiled good-naturedly at her. “So, how long have you two been dating then?”

“Oh, um,” Lily cuddled herself tighter, “we’re not exactly. It’s complicated.” Frank looked at her expectantly, and Lily realized, _duh_ , he already knew about the prophecy. “I pushed him away when I found out,” she nodded her head towards the bars, making the chain around her neck rattle, “this was inevitable.”

“Right,” Frank said seriously. “But that’s not really how love works, is it?”

She knew that Frank knew that she’d since had that realization herself. She _had_ found James important enough to bring up after all. Lily felt the picture of them dancing burning hot against her chest. “Nope. It’s not.”

“Well, once we beat these guys, there will be nothing holding you back from being with your troublemaker.”

She chuckled. “He really did a number on you, didn’t he?”

“You have no idea. Pretty sure he was the one who tied my shoelaces together the time I tripped and nearly broke my—”

The smiles slid off both their faces when the room’s door swung open, revealing Rosier. He unlocked Lily’s cell and threw James’ cloak at her feet. “Don’t go leaving your shit lying around,” he mumbled. He closed the cell back up and made to leave.

“Stay away from her,” Lily snarled, trying to get to her feet but being torturously pulled back by the neck. The move irritated Bellatrix’s slash, making some fresh blood ooze down, staining her necklace. Rosier looked over to her with furrowed brows but didn’t respond. “I mean it. Don’t you dare go near her.”

“Why would I stay away from my own girlfriend?” he asked softly.

“She’d never date you if she knew what you really were.” Lily’s lip curled incensed.

Rosier let out a big exhale, eyes lingering on Lily’s bloodied neck and arm. Trying to stand, Frank’s sweater had fallen off, exposing her _MW_. He turned without another word, and left.

“Git,” Frank sneered.

Lily collapsed back down to the ground. “I’ll say. The complete absence of morality you must have to be able to go back to school and kiss your girlfriend, all the while knowing where her missing best friend is…”

“That’s so messed up.”

“Yup.”

“Does it hurt?”

“What?” His question broke her out of her worried stupor. _Poor Mar…_

“Your arm, is it okay?” he asked gently.

 _No, I was cut open and burned back closed,_ but Lily bit back her sass. Frank wasn’t the one who deserved it. “It’s stinging a little less now,” she supplied honestly. Going down from a pain level 10 to an 8 was a small victory she supposed.

“Luckily she cauterized it right? So it won’t get infected?”

Lily looked down at her swelling forearm. “That’s actually a common misconception. The burning causes more tissue damage and encourages bacterial growth.”

“Oh,” Frank answered lamely.

Lily smiled, trying to brush the dried blood flakes from off his sweater. “I’m studying to be a healer.” She held out the garment for him to take back. “Sorry I got it dirty.”

“Not a problem.” He put it on while Lily pulled James’ cloak over her like a blanket. It smelt just like him. She cursed Rosier in her head for even daring to touch it with his filthy, unworthy hands.

Frank’s stomach growled loudly. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“Not a problem.” They sat in silence for a while, both lost in thought. Lily had no idea when they’d get fed, when they’d be allowed to use the bathroom, what tomorrow would bring… She was terrified, hungry, and in agony. _But at least you’re not alone_. Frank seemed sweet and awkwardly funny and she liked him a lot already, even if he did, _somewhat correctly,_ believe she was a rotten judge of character. She had the feeling they’d get to know each other quite well before the end of this.

_If there is an end to this._

Soon Frank’s warm brown eyes got heavy with sleep and she saw his head slouch forward a few times then snap back before he fully succumbed to the exhaustion of the day. Lily envied him. The uncomfortableness of her collar, combined with her searing skin and completely overwhelmed mind would most certainly keep her up all night.

Allowing herself a moment of weakness, she unfolded her portrait with James and buried her nose into his cloak, letting herself imagine she was still there in his arms and that the wetness on her cheeks was the falling snow.


	38. Cutting Cords

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter upset some people, so please pay attention to the  
> Warning: Torture, rape (implied for Lily, attempted on James), death
> 
> It's war and survivors deserve smutty love stories too.

**_January 31, 6th Year_ **

Somehow, the next day was ten times worse than the first night. Just as the morning sun glowed into their tiny cell, Adam burst through the door, startling Lily and waking Frank. “Up,” he snarled. _Perhaps he’s now been relegated to being Voldemort’s errand boy since he’s been outed._ “Now!” _Either way, he doesn’t seem very happy._ Maybe there was such a thing as instant karma.

Frank scrambled to his feet, so Adam unlocked his cell first, pointing her wand to him threateningly. She couldn’t believe that not only was he trying to use her wand, but he actually had the audacity to try to use it _against_ her and her friend. “No funny business, or no bathroom.” He looked significantly to Lily, glowering up at him. “I’ll be right back for you.”

 _Can’t wait._ It was a bit insane to her how all the cuteness she’d seen when she used to look at his face had just melted away into a haze of disgust overnight. It turned out his hotness _had_ always been subjective — just not in the way she’d originally thought. She couldn’t believe she’d assumed a whole dorm full of _Hufflepuffs_ had just been jealous of him and judged him incorrectly instead of simply heeding their unspoken warning on the state of his character.

Five minutes later, the boys returned, and Lily had slipped on James’ cloak the normal way and stood as shakily on her feet as her chain allowed. Adam eyed the collar hesitantly. “How am I supposed to open it?”

 _Seriously?_ “Well, if you give me my wand back, I can probably figure it out,” she taunted.

His knuckles whitened around the wood in question. “Nice try,” he snarled. _I wasn’t being serious, you idiot._ He looked around lost as Frank settled back in his cell. “You’ll just have to hold it.”

“No! Adam, I was drinking last night! For fuck’s sake!”

He looked so conflicted. He rolled his eyes and hobbled away. When he came back, his limp somehow looked worse. He performed a silent spell. For the first time, Lily noticed a bloodied bandage wrapped around the finger she’d bitten into last night. _Good._

He led her down the hall to a bathroom… with no windows. _Crap._ “All right. Make it quick.” She made to close the door, but he put his foot in the threshold. “No. Stays open.”

A fact Lily had read about self-defense popped up in her mind: predators hated ‘gross’ girls. And somehow, natural functions were gross on girls. “I can’t take a shit if you’re watching.”

His face comically contorted in revulsion and he slammed the door closed himself. Lily almost had to giggle. After she hastily went, she searched the room for anything that might be even remotely useful… but it was bare. _Not much you can do, unless you knock him out with a toilet seat,_ she joked to herself, before pausing and turning to the loo slowly. She unfastened the seat quietly.

“Okay, that’s enough—” Adam said swinging the door open while Lily swung the porcelain piece right into his face. She knocked him out cold and watched hungrily as her wand rolled from his limp hand down the hall. She chased it wildly, her fingers having just clenched around the familiar willow, when she heard the loudest, most tortured scream in her life. It took her body a millisecond to realize the noise was coming from her own mouth. It was excruciating physical suffering beyond what she had ever felt, and it was _everywhere:_ he toes, her calves, her fucking eyeballs.

Just when she thought she would die from it, the spell ceased. “You know, I’m already sick of your little antics, Mudblood.” Lily panted on the floor, Voldemort’s pale, freakishly long toes coming into view. “Just because I can’t kill you, doesn’t mean I can’t sever off your arms and legs so you can’t make any more attempts to run away.” Lily believed his words fully, and for a moment, she swore her heart actually stopped beating in terror. She was too scared to even look up at him, all her nerve endings still ringing from _Crucio._ “We’ll start with you today.”

As Voldemort brought her to the dungeons downstairs, she noticed he left Adam knocked out next to the toilet seat, like he didn’t even matter at all.

☆☆☆

Frank became Lily’s only beacon of hope in the castle in the overpowering misery that followed. They tried to keep their conversations light (Frank lamenting on how he missed the toilet seat they’d never replaced, Voldemort’s obsession with his boring job, _‘You know, it’s like he thinks I’m wasting my potential here,’_ how they could redecorate the space to a less depressing ‘cellblock chic’), but as the days dragged on, it got harder and harder to do so. Not only was Voldemort infiltrating their minds for hours at a time, trying to find out what gave them the key to his downfall, but they slowly felt like they were losing their minds in the cell as well. Lily was waking up with inexplicable bruises on her arms and thighs and an unsurmountable feeling of dread and nausea. Sometimes she’d come to with actual bile on her cell floor. On the day that she woke up without her necklace or James’ photo in her dress, she cried, realizing what was happening.

“Frank… I think they’ve been _Obliviating_ us.”

He looked at her slowly and nodded, guilt shining in his eyes. It turned out they’d forgotten to wipe _his_ memory one of those times they’d come to torture her. She found herself unable to ask any follow-up queries.

“You’re immune to _Imperio._ ” It wasn’t a question, it was a heavy statement.

Lily held her chin out, swallowing back fresh tears. “Yeah. James helped me learn.”

They both faced the wall, expressions cut from stone. “You should be very proud of that. Alice still can’t and she’s been trying for years.”

They sat in silence for the rest of the night

☆☆☆

Professor Stone started showing up more and more, loving being the one to wake Lily at the crack of dawn and dragging her by the hair down to Voldemort. Lily guessed this was the highlight of the hag’s morning before she returned to Hogwarts to start her day teaching Lily’s friends. (She also suspected that Voldemort no longer trusted Adam quite enough to retrieve them anymore considering she’d near incapacitated him twice now.) Stone would make little quips about how James was moving on, as Lily tumbled down the stairs behind her, and how she legitimately thought she had a shot with him now. “And isn’t he just a _snack_?” Her taunts didn’t ruffle Lily in the slightest — she knew Stone was full of shit.

In a sick way, Lily started looking forward to her sessions with Voldemort. At the very least, she always knew what was about to happen: mind-infiltration, _Crucio_ , mind-infiltration, whiny banter, _Crucio_. She’d take torture she remembered over the unimaginable horrors she was being forced to forget whenever a random Death Eater decided he had a spare moment to come pay her a visit. She was pretty sure her right arm had been broken one day, but had no recollection of it having been mended either. It just felt tender in the way she’d read was common after a heavy dose of Skele-Gro while the bone was still slightly squishy.

When Voldemort used Legilimency on her, she also knew she’d get to see her favorite hazel eyes and dimpled smile too. After she got through the initial repugnance of sharing those intimate moments with a mass murderer, she was able to appreciate the simple joy of seeing James’ face again, hearing his voice as he whispered sweet nothings in her ear that she hadn’t properly cherished before. She was seeing his actions clearly now, seeing **him** clearly. _That_ _is the man I love. That is the man I just want to hold again._ Lily couldn’t believe she’d never told him how she truly felt, that she’d been too scared by things that seemed so damn trivial now that she was face-to-face with the devil. _I have to get back so I can tell him. I just need to_ ** _tell_** _him how much I love him._

James wasn’t her only reason for living, however. There was still a fiercely stubborn side of her that screamed: _Really? Fucking_ ** _really_** _life?! I just got over my depression_ _for this_ _?_ Lily determined that she didn’t survive the whole of last year only to die at the hands of another. That’s not how it was going down. She’d put _effort_ into feeling good again. She wasn’t going to let all that hard work be squandered by the likes of a pompous snake-man and his pathetic, brainwashed goons. She wouldn’t give them that power.

She was getting weaker though — it was inevitable. Not only was she pretty sure her knife wound was infected, but Frank and her weren’t allowed exercise and were lucky if they got even a moldy slice of bread every few days. Some days they woke up dazed and confused to some chocolate though, but honestly Lily wasn’t sure if those memories were real or ( _fever?_ ) dreams her mind conjured up to hold onto her sanity for just a little while longer.

☆☆☆

Perhaps a week or two in _(because really, what even is time?),_ Frank and Lily’s conversations continued getting less and less chipper. Frank asked Lily to memorize his vows so she could tell them to Alice. Lily asked Frank to apologize to James for being a noble fool that never fully let him in, because she loved him, she’d always loved him, and she would die loving him. ( _If I’m going to be murdered, I might finally allow myself a little melodrama. Sirius would approve._ )

Unexpectedly, Snape walked into their room right as Lily was telling Frank what she’d want him to tell Petunia. (Frank had been utterly perplexed that Lily had no idea where she was, but vowed that he’d find her himself all the same, because that was the kind of honorable and dedicated man that he was.) Lily’s hand found Frank’s automatically by the bars as she tried propping herself up to a dignified stance.

“What do you want?” she snarled. She hadn’t seen him since the night that she’d been brought to this Merlin-forsaken castle. _That I can remember…_

“How are you doing?” Snape asked. Only then did Lily notice he was holding two glasses of water in his hands. Her scratchy, dry throat called out for it traitorously.

“Like you care,” Lily snapped. He only had eyes for her in the room. “Also, won’t you get in trouble with your precious _master_ for even asking me that?”

“No Lily.” His smug smile told her that he had accomplished his goal of mastering Occlumency as well as its opposite branch of magic, just as he’d planned.

“Must be nice,” she grumbled as she clutched her free arm protectively over her chest.

“Careful… or I won’t give you this.” He held up the water. Lily’s eyes flickering to it instinctively gave away just how parched she was.

“Do you want a _please_?”

Snape scoffed and levitated the glasses through the bars, both of them eagerly grabbing them and downing the water so fast it dribbled down their chins.

“Will you ever forgive me?” Snape leaned into the bars and eyed Lily hungrily.

“Probably not.” Her eyes went wide as the words flew from her lips without any conscious effort. She slapped a hand over her mouth with a gasp. _He wouldn’t._

Realization dawned on Frank’s face: Snape had just laced Lily’s water with Veritaserum. “Are you _kidding_ _me_?” He stood up angrily, a little too quickly because he wobbled, but got as close to Snape as the cage allowed. “Leave the poor girl alone! She’s been through enough with you _cowards—_ ”

Snape hit him with a silencing spell, reducing him to having to rattle the bars to showcase his ire until he tired himself out and returned to his spot by the wall to hold Lily’s left hand in his right.

“I can’t believe you’d stoop so low—”

“Did you ever like me?” Snape asked desperately.

“Of course, you were my best friend.” _What a dumb question._

“But, as more than a friend?”

“No.” She watched as the hope vanished from his beetle eyes.

“Not even a little bit?” he pushed.

“Never.” _Stop asking… you won’t like what you hear._ She was so pissed off at him for doping her, as if she hadn’t had _that_ happen already once too many times, but she would never find satisfaction in breaking someone else’s heart — no matter how much they’d wronged her.

“Do you think you ever could have? If I’d chosen a different path?”

“I don’t think so,” Lily sighed honestly.

“Why not?”

“Because I was never attracted to you, Severus. You can’t force feelings for someone.” She was tired. So, so tired.

His shoulders shook a little as he slouched in on himself. “ _Have_ you ever been in love?”

“Yes.” _No, don’t—_

“With who?” He looked grotesquely curious for the answer that would bring forth his own downfall.

“You know who,” Lily tried, _truthfully_ , deflecting, wanting so badly to be able to tell _him_ this before she told someone like Snape. “You’ve always known.”

“Answer the question, _Lily,_ ” he barked, nostrils flaring.

“James.” Frank sent a pulse through her hand, silently supporting her. At least her loving James wasn’t news to him.

“I finally got an honest answer out of you,” Snape growled, his fists clenching as he sent spittle flying. “I can’t believe you’d be so **stupid** to actually fall for that rake! He isn’t serious about you, Lily! He doesn’t actually care for you like I do! And he sure as hell can’t protect you like I can—“

“Oh, like you’re doing now?” Lily sassed, shooting him daggers. She’d heard all this drivel before and it seemed even more comically nonsensical given her present predicament.

“Well, you didn’t seem too keen on my offer last time, now did you?”

Lily’s head was spinning, a question burning her lips with every second she stalled in asking it. “Is that— is that what this is? My punishment? I rejected you, so you think I _deserve_ this?”

Snape shifted uncomfortably, not liking being called out on his questionable behavior. “I didn’t help Voldemort get you—”

“But you’re not doing anything now! You’re still part of this cult, Sev! You’re still helping him with whatever other shit he’s doing, hiding cups and jewelry, or whatever the—”

“How do you know that?” His greasy face paled.

“Most of you guys are very _dumb—_ ”

“That’s not the point.” Snape straightened, trying to regain control over the conversation. “The point is I would have done _anything_ for you, Lily. Always.”

“Bullshit,” Lily stated plainly. Snape shook his head incredulously, so Lily elaborated. “Anything? You would have done _anything?_ You couldn’t even renounce Dark Magic for me. How are you going to claim that you would have done **anything** for me when you couldn’t even just be a decent human being to keep our friendship?” He gaped like a fish out of water. “How many people have you killed, Severus? How much innocent blood have you spilled? You couldn’t have gotten that mark on your arm without some sort of initiation! What did they have you do?” She was fully shouting now.

“Hey!” His face contorted with rage and a fair amount of shame. “ _I’m_ asking the questions here! So tell me,” his lip twitched, “why Potter?” The switch in topics was jarring. Lily couldn’t believe that he somehow thought her affinity for another man was more noteworthy and _damning_ than his involvement in a bigoted murder club, but she would never pretend to understand his twisted mind. Before she was forced to go along with his diversion, he tacked on, “Let me guess, it’s his soddening hair that does it for you, isn’t it?”

“Yes. And his lips, his shoulders, the way he makes me feel, the way he listens to me—”

“ _Enough_!” Snape cried.

Lily rolled her eyes. “You literally just asked!”

“Have you kissed him yet?”

Lily snorted. “Yes.”

A ripple of disgust crossed his tortured features before he could master a mask of indifference. “Have you slept with him?”

“Yes.”

“How many times?”

“I’ve lost count.”

Snape’s lip curled. “Is he the only person you’ve slept with?”

“I don’t know.” Lily felt Frank’s hand stiffen in hers as the air got sucked out of the room. Snape stumbled, completely unprepared for the response.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?”

“I mean he was until January. If you mean ‘is he the only person I’ve willing slept with,’ than yes.”

Snape looked frozen, staring horrorstruck into Lily’s eyes. She refused to look away first. _I’ve done nothing to be ashamed of._ “Are you saying…?”

“I’m saying I don’t know what your _friends_ do while they’re in here since they wipe my memory.” _Don’t cry in front of him. Don’t you_ ** _dare_** _fucking cry._

Snape had the gall to look a little guilty. “They wouldn’t do that. They’re not that—”

“They did it to Mary,” Lily pushed.

“That was different—” he stammered.

“Because you asked them not to?” she mocked, getting under his skin.

“Because I love you, Lily! They wouldn’t do that, because they know I love you—”

“Wrong,” Lily interrupted tonelessly.

“Excuse me?” Snape asked.

“I said wrong. They would do that. I’m almost certain that at least one of them _has_ been doing that. Also, you don’t love me. Because someone who truly loved me would put my needs before their own and wouldn’t leave me to rot away in here even if I didn’t chose them—”

“I tried to save you!”

“You tried to bring me in sooner!” Lily rebutted hotly.

“Yes! As an **equal**. You’re a powerful witch, Lily; if you had come willingly, if you had joined us, you wouldn’t have to be caged. The prophecy could have been fulfilled if we’d have known you weren’t going to run away!”

“I’d rather die!” Her emerald eyes glowed with the passion of her conviction.

“Don’t be a fool, Lily,” he all but begged.

“The only fool here is you, Severus. I don’t ever want to see your face again.”

“You don’t mean that—” He was falling apart at the seams.

“You’re the one who slipped me Veritaserum. You know I’m telling the truth,” she said firmly.

He took an unsteady step back. “You’ll regret this. Without me vouching for you, your situation will get a whole lot worse,” he threatened.

“I don’t know how that’s even possible,” Lily replied icily.

Snape kicked the bars, completely losing his cool. “Why are you never _grateful_ of my sacrifices?”

Lily stood up incensed, ignoring the pull of the chain. “Why do you always think I _owe_ you something?! Your friendship was never something that I should have had to reward you for, your _protection_ against your friends raping me last year didn’t mean that I then had to turn around and shag **you!** You’re a lowlife and pathetic and I NEED YOU TO GET OUT!” Lily’s fists shook as the truth of her words washed over her, her vision blurring at the edges, making her dizzy. She would normally never have admitted these thoughts out loud, but Snape had legitimately forced her hand.

“Lily, I—” he tried one last time.

“OUT!” Snape gave her one last pained look before turning to glide out the door. Frank stomped his foot wildly, reminding him to cast a quick spell to undo the silencing before he exited.

Lily collapsed, finally allowing salty tears to trickle down her face. The death of her oldest friendship would never not burn her.

“Hey, hey,” Frank soothed, “it’s okay now.”

“No, it’s not,” Lily scoffed, then shot him an apologetic glance. “Sorry, think the truth juice hasn’t worn off yet.”

“Oh right.” There was a long heavy pause. “So tell me,” he tried with a smile, “has James Potter _really_ changed?”

Lily couldn’t believe he got her to giggle through all this. “Yes! Now please stop.”

The more she thought about it, the more Lily believed she’d riled Snape up so badly that he’d completely forgotten to wipe her memory. With as heavy and emotional as their conversation had been, she wasn’t surprised that it came up when Voldemort next looked into her mind. When the madman exited her thoughts, he seemed almost gleeful that his young follower thought he was in love with her. It was definitely the sort of information she imagined Voldemort lording over him later to manipulate him. To what end, Lily couldn’t be certain.

☆☆☆

The worst day of Lily’s life came a few days later. After Voldemort had unearthed Lily’s once-ever failed attempt to protect her parents from death with an unknown burst of magic that she doubted she’d ever be able to replicate (and he’d decided to punish her for keeping it from him), the floodgates to hell flew wide open. You see, Voldemort wasn’t able to just make Lily see James when she looked at _him_ , but also anyone else who visited him prior to coming to her cell. The first time one of the Death Eaters had strolled into her and Frank’s room, he’d looked hesitant, as though unsure if such a body-swap could psychologically be achieved without Polyjuice Potion. But Frank’s confused stare and Lily’s gasp in his direction made him grin in an evil way that James would _never_ have done.

After he’d finished what he’d come to do, Lily begged whoever he was to take away the memory, before it tainted her forever, but he’d only laughed — a normally beautiful sound that made her heart ache even as it splintered — and told her he’d see her again soon.

A few days later, even Frank was hugging his knees and rocking himself back and forth, and Lily was jumping at every little noise she heard. She’d long since thrown James’ cloak to the farthest corner of her cell that she could manage — its stench making her gag. A large part of her really hoped she would freeze to death soon. (But alas, this place truly was a living nightmare, because someone had repaired the window pane she’d shattered the first night and put a heating charm on the floor.)

She longed for the day it would all just _stop._

Lily spent most of her time staring at the wall in front of her, counting bricks and trying to forget who she was, or who she’d been. It wasn’t that hard, because she doubted she’d ever be the same girl again anyway. It was a surprisingly good pastime considering her brain could hardly manage counting any higher than twenty, and she’d have to start all over. _And over. Over._ _Over_ _._

☆☆☆

**James**

Lily’s bloodied necklace, left on his pillow, had come with a note. ‘Tell anyone and she dies.’ James felt like he couldn’t breathe as he sank to the floor and clutched his knees to his chest. How on earth was he supposed to save her? How the fuck was he supposed to bring her home when all he had to go on was that she was alive, but bleeding out somewhere? He squeezed the necklace so hard in his palm, the heart indented itself into his flesh.

 _You could torture, Avery,_ a nasty voice whispered in his ear. _You could_ _make_ _him tell you where she is._ But even as he admonished these thoughts, he knew it was no use: what were the odds that Avery was the Secret Keeper to the Death Eaters’ lair? And even if he was, Avery could inflict unimaginable retaliation against Lily before he’d be able to get to her. It wasn’t worth the risk.

Unfortunately, it seemed like Avery (he was almost sure it was him doing this) was still eager to remind James of how utterly useless he was. A couple days later, James found the tattered and creased portrait of him and Lily dancing in his Charms textbook. The word ‘WHORE’ had been written over her face, completely obscuring it. A day after that, James found a lock of her hair hidden in his breakfast. He’d caught a group of Slytherins eyeing him, snickering, before he’d rapidly excused himself from his friends and bolted outside. He hadn’t even made it past the greenhouses before he’d transformed into a stag, and spent the rest of the day just running. He was very lucky he didn’t have Transfiguration class that day. He passed most of his nights nowadays doing this, trying to find a reprieve from his human thoughts and drive his body into an exhaustion so overwhelming that he couldn’t help but pass out for a few hours afterwards.

☆☆☆

“James?” His heart jumped a beat as he leaned heavily against the Astronomy Tower parapet at the end of a day of classes. _She’s not real, she’s not there, she’s not real…_ he told himself, screwing his eyes shut as cool air blasted him in the face. Defense Against the Dark Arts had been particularly taxing just now. Stone had become oddly self-satisfied lately, not even bothering to hide how she’d lean into James’ desk provocatively to try to get him to look down her shirt or how blatantly she still always used him for all her demonstrations. He wasn’t even sure what she was teaching anymore, but she seemed to have switched over to defensive spells ‘particularly important for witches.’ Peter had thought that was very classy of her to do, ‘because people don’t often cater things just to women’s problems, now do they?’ James didn’t buy it though — there was something sinister in the way she taught those spells, like she was just tickled by an inside joke that only a couple students in the class were in on. (Avery and Nott were some of those students.) She also seemed quite intent on having James actually grab her hips, or put his hands around her neck before she’d illustrate how to free herself.

“James?” Her voice was closer now. James had slept especially badly the night before as well, _that must be it_ , having heard Lily screaming like when she’d seen the Boggart or begging for him to save her like by the lake for what felt like hours. He was going mad. There wasn’t a red-headed girl in school who hadn’t noticed his overt double-takes when they’d walk by him in the hall, as though he could manifest them to be someone else through sheer willpower alone. But this was definitely the first time he’d heard her voice like this, clear as day, while he should be, or at least thought he was, awake. _Yes. You’ve gone totally bonkers, haven’t you?_

“James?” Lily’s voice cooed once more, incredibly soft and far too enticing. It sounded like she was right behind him.

“You’re not real,” James choked out, a tear trickling down his cheek.

A warm hand on his bicep made him jump and spin around. “But I am real.” Lily was there, standing right in front of him with rosy cheeks and parted lips, looking amazing and _perfect._ “Hi baby.”

James’ brows creased as he blinked his eyes rapidly, trying to clear his own insanity out of sight. _No… she can’t be._ He took a tiny step back, his spine flush with the wall. Lily was wearing robes he’d never seen her in before. “You… you aren’t… _how_ —?”

“James,” it was her voice, persistent now, her hand cupping his chin, **her** coconut smell hitting his nose, “I just got back.”

“What?!” he cried faintly, holding himself steady with his palms on the stone ledge behind him as she came to stand between his legs.

“Aren’t you happy to see me?” She tilted her head coquettishly.

He was still half certain she was a figment of his imagination come to ease his suffering, but she looked so real. He brought a shaky hand up to trace her lips. “Lily?” he asked hopefully, paying close attention to her scar.

She smiled. “Yes.”

He brought up his second hand, cradling both her cheeks. “You came back?” Under normal circumstances, he would have been ashamed of how high his voice had just gone, but these were not normal circumstances.

“Of course I did,” she spoke nonchalantly.

“How?” he whispered, his eyes flickering between hers as he pulled her in closer, one hand now on the small of her back, rubbing soothing circles with his thumb. “Lily, I’ve been so worried—”

“Sh, it’s okay,” she whispered back, quickly wiping away his tears. “Don’t cry,” she commanded. “Kiss me.”

So he did. He leaned in, basking in all the relief that came from knowing your love was safely in your arms again and that nothing else mattered. He kissed her like she was the flame that he so devoutly worshipped after months of winter, reverently but still terrified that getting too close would ruin it all. But she wasn’t kissing him like that — she was using tongue, and a lot of it. _She normally doesn’t use this much tongue._

“Hey, babe, slow down,” he said gently, trying to pull back from her. He had to know where she’d been and what the fuck had happened, but her nails dug into the back of his neck possessively, not letting him leave.

“No James. Kiss me,” she insisted, hand moving down to his collar to drag him back down to her.

“Lily,” he mumbled against her incessant lips, “please, just talk to me first. I’ve been so scared you were hurt—”

“I’m fine,” she snapped.

“Okay, but what happened—?”

Her fists clenched as she pushed off of him and paced. “Are you a fucking **man** , or what?”

“What?” James asked, slumping further down the wall.

“Do you want to talk about your _feelings,_ or do you want to fuck me?”

“Lily, I—”

“ _Lily I,_ ” she mocked in a baby voice, “ _I, I, I was sooo worried about you! I didn’t know where you were! I just sat in class_ ** _moping_** _for you like a_ little bitch!” James’ mouth hung open, staring at her in horror. “Don’t know why I expected more from a child, but you’re just so yummy.” She ran her tongue slowly along her lower lip, eyes traveling down his form. “And you started off promising enough back in September.” James reached for his wand in his pocket, making Lily laugh. “Aw, are you looking for this?” She waved his wand in her hand along with her own, clearly having nicked it while she snogged him.

“Where is she?” he growled, his voice back to its usual deep cadence and then some.

Whoever was in Lily’s body smiled, clearly loving the change that had just taken over him. “That’s more like it.” She reached for him, but he grabbed her wrist with lightning-fast Quidditch reflexes, forcing her to immobilize him. She let him keep control over his eyes though.

It was the most confusing feeling in the world to James: watching Lily Evans’ mouth sucking on his frozen fingers while her eyes pierced into his, Lily biting his lower lip and slowly dragging it back with her teeth until she let it slap back into place, Lily taking liberties with his body and running her fingers down his chest and grabbing his package… but _not_ wanting any of it. _Because it’s not her! It’s not fucking Lily!_ “My, my, it seems as though you _have_ been holding out on me, James.” Not-Lily gave him a completely wrong smirk and pushed her body into his, pressing Lily’s breasts into his chest. He was only human, he was bound to react. _No!_ he screamed in his head, trying to talk his treasonous body out of it. _No, stop it, it’s_ ** _not_** _her, it’s not her!_ Her lips grazed his earlobe as she whispered, “That’s a good boy…” Her tongue darted out and licked from his jaw all the way to his cheekbone, catching on his stubble and leaving a cold, wet trail in its wake. “You know, I’ve always seen the potential in you. You’re a big, strong, _powerful_ wizard,” she was stroking him over his trousers in time with her words, “and I’ve always thought you’d do perfectly on our team.” She leaned into his lips again, and James couldn’t help it, he wanted to lean in _right back_ , his functional thoughts shutting down the longer Lily — _not Lily! —_ touched him and looked at him the way he’d been craving for weeks. Her soft lips gave his a chaste kiss and she smiled at him, clearly seeing a shift in his pupils. “You know the Dark Lord has always wanted a Gryffindor to complete the set,” she purred. “I know you have a bit of a dark side to you too, James. It’s okay to give into it. It’s okay to make people hurt sometimes when they deserve it… It’s okay to admit that you’re just a better wizard than most…”

 _Oh fucking Merlin, what a psycho._ That knocked him right out of the moment, staring at this imposter through judgy, narrowed slits. _Lily would never in a million years utter such_ ** _garbage._**

The fake Lily scoffed at his stare, rolling her eyes and switching tactics. “She’s cheating on you, you know.” There was a muted whistling in his ears, growing louder by the minute. “You might as well get a little revenge yourself… I’ve seen the way you look at me, James, I know you’ll enjoy this.” She put her wand to his temple and said, “ _Imperio._ ”

“What the **fuck**?!” Sirius declared loudly from the Astronomy Tower door, _Stupefy_ ing Lily before she even had the chance to fully turn around.

The spells on James’ body instantly dropped, allowing him to retighten the tie she’d been slowly yanking undone with jittery fingers. He felt so violated. “How’d you know it wasn’t actually her?”

Sirius held up the map. “You honestly didn’t think we weren’t still babysitting you given how AWOL you’ve been, did ya bro?” _Huh. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised… loyal gits._ “Why was Professor Stone pretending to be Lily?”

“Professor Stone?!” James yelped. He pointed to unconscious Lily at his feet. “That’s Stone?” He’d spent so much of his energy just trying to remind himself that she _wasn’t_ Lily that he hadn’t had any brainpower left to consider who she could actually be instead.

Padfoot walked towards him and showed him the Map himself, trying to cast _Finite Incantatem_ on the knocked out witch along the way. “My guess is Polyjuice.”

“Holy shit, is she…?” Sirius and James shared a significant look.

“A Death Eater?” Sirius finished for him. “I mean, I don’t know many other kinds of people who would _Imperio_ a student to… jump his bones?” James wasn’t laughing, just looking at Stone on the floor. Pads reached out to his shoulder. “Hey, are you okay?”

James swallowed, forcing his gaze away from her body. “Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s get her to Dumbledore, he’ll know what to do.”

They levitated her between them, covered her with James’ Invisibility Cloak, and set off for the headmaster’s office before Sirius’ stunning spell wore off. Dumbledore looked genuinely shocked when they revealed ‘Lily’ under the cloak.

“It’s Professor Stone, sir,” Sirius told him while James stuffed his cloak back into his pocket. Dumbledore lowered her body onto a chair across the desk from him. James threw himself onto the only other one next to her, not trusting himself on his feet much longer. While Stone had gotten most of Lily’s facial expressions all wrong earlier, when she was unconscious, she looked exactly like how Lily had looked sleeping in his bed back home, when the early morning sun just started caressing her alabaster skin. _Peaceful._ He knew it wasn’t her, but if he could only see her like this, if he could just pretend, for a little while longer, then maybe it would all hurt just a little bit less.

“How can you be certain?” Dumbledore asked sternly.

“Uh, well you see…” Sirius tried explaining without going into the details of the Map, looking to James for help.

“It’s not Lily, Professor,” James said firmly. “I’m sure of it. Plus, whoever she is, she tried to— to…” he stuttered a bit, “attack me. I think she wanted to recruit me to the dark side. She tried to _Imperio_ me too, and we all know Stone’s whole grasp on the ‘unforgivable’ part of ‘Unforgivable Curses’ is pretty lax.”

Dumbledore nodded and sent out a Patronus. “If it is as you say, this is very serious indeed.”

“But also good, right sir?” James asked eagerly, sitting on the edge of his seat. “She must know where Lily is. Even if she can’t tell us exactly where, she could still help us find her right? Or tell us which students are Death Eaters?” Avery’s threat on Lily had forced him into silence, but perhaps if there was a mass outing, coming from the mouth of an adult, a _teacher_ , they’d have to believe him and take them all into custody right away to prevent retaliation, even if Avery Senior sat on the School Board. _And the more names Stone gives us, the higher the odds of finding the Secret Keeper. The higher the odds of finding_ ** _Lily_** _._

“We will find out soon enough,” Dumbledore spoke plainly.

Soon afterwards, Slughorn waddled through the door out of breath. “I came as fast as I could, Albus!” he declared, mustache billowing wildly. He handed Dumbledore a vial of clear potion. “Someone must have recently stolen some of my supply, because this was all I had left.” The portly Professor nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw his favorite student slumped over in a chair, but said nothing.

“Thank you, Horace, I’m sure this will do.” He turned to James, handing him the vial.

“Veritaserum, sir?” James looked at it gravely.

“Yes. You still have her wand, Mr Black?” Sirius nodded. “If you’d do the honors, Mr Potter.”

James popped the cork and leaned over Stone, lifting Lily’s chin gently so he could pour the contents past her lips. His proximity to her again — but _not_ — was sweet torture.

“ _Rennervate_.” Dumbledore cast the spell.

Suddenly Lily’s beautiful eyes were back, wide open and scanning the room in a panic. They landed on her boss (at least her public one) and stayed there.

“Hello, what is your name?” Dumbledore surveyed her over the rim of his glasses.

“Jennifer Stone.” James knew it was true, but it was still weird as hell to see Lily saying it.

“Why did you just attack James Potter?” In the corner of the room, Slughorn leaned in curiously.

“I didn’t attack him. I merely tried to shag him.” Sirius snorted behind James as his own ears went red. If he thought before was bizarre, hearing Lily’s voice saying this to Dumbledore was way worse. _I guess Veritaserum can’t make up for a lack of morality._ If Stone truly didn’t **believe** assaulting him was an attack _,_ well, then he supposed she was still speaking her truth. _This woman is so twisted._

Without skipping a beat, Dumbledore asked, “Why did you come teach at Hogwarts?”

“To recruit for the Dark Lord.” Lily’s lip twitched.

“So you work for Voldemort?”

“Yes.”

“Is Lily okay? Is she alive?” James interjected, unable not to.

“No. And yes.” She simpered and James’ stomach lurched.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean she’s alive, but she’s not okay.”

“James—” Sirius tried interrupting, but it was no use; the fuse had been lit.

“Where is she?” James demanded.

Her smile got even more wicked. “Where she belongs.”

“Where?” James yelled as he stood up, towering over her.

“In a cell,” she purred and he swore he saw his own blood vessels bursting in his eyeballs.

“Are you the Secret Keeper?” Dumbledore asked.

Lily’s face snapped to him. “No.”

“Is she _badly_ hurt?” James cut back in, propriety be damned.

Stone slouched Lily’s body haughtily in the chair, stuffing her hands into her robe pockets and crossing one leg over the other as though she didn’t have a care in the world. She smirked at him before licking her lips. “Extremely.”

“Prongs, let him ask the questions,” Sirius lightly suggested, putting a hand on his shoulder.

Dumbledore resumed, “What does Voldemort want with Lily Evans and Frank Longbottom?”

Stone jerked her jaw, really not wanting to answer the question. “Immortality.”

“Jennifer,” suddenly the air in the room got thick as everyone could feel Dumbledore gearing up to ask his most important question of all, “has Voldemort ever mentioned Horcruxes to you?” Behind him, Slughorn got perfectly still and turned white as a ghost.

In the blink of an eye, Stone pulled her hand out of her pocket clutching a glass ball, and in one fluid motion cracked it against her chair’s arm and slashed her own throat, vocal cords and all, before sliding off her seat and to the ground.

“No, _NO!_ ” James yelled rushing forward and throwing the remnants of Stone’s broken Sneakoscope from Lily’s hand so she couldn’t cause any more damage to her body. As he sank to his knees, he was thinking about losing his final hope of getting Lily back… But crouching there now, looking at the face he’d been pining for for **years** now marred by deep crimson blood as it gushed out of her neck and lips, _choking on it_ , his mind went somewhere else entirely. “ _It’s okay, Lily, it’s going to be okay_ ,” he cried, applying pressure on her neck. But it was no use, she was gurgling, her eyes blinking in shock and _looking at him._ “Lily,” he pleaded, tears rolling down his face, “I’m _sorry_.” The light was leaving her eyes, _her beautiful green eyes,_ as she spasmed, unable to breathe.

“Prongs!” He faintly registered Sirius pulling him back with a sharp tug on his elbow. “Get out of the way!”

He rocked back, allowing Dumbledore to try to stitch her neck back up, but it was too late, Lily was gone. He was staring at her dead face right now, hands soaked in her blood. _It’s my fault._

“Prongs,” his best friend’s voice was gentler now, soothing, “it’s not her, **look** , it’s not her.” Lily’s body morphed back to Stone’s in death, brilliant emerald eyes now a dull brown, but her hair was still partially red, stained with blood.

James couldn’t erase what he’d just seen. It would haunt him until the day he died.

☆☆☆

**Lily**

Voldemort was furious. There was no other way to describe his white-hot rage that shook the walls and permeated to every corner of the castle.

“Frank…” she reached for his fingers. She felt like this was it. She could almost _feel_ Voldemort approaching in her very bones and she wasn’t sure if either of them would be able to survive his wrath tonight.

The door blasted off its hinges and Frank was flung into the wall of his cell, a crunching sound spelling bad news for his shoulder. “You first.” Voldemort summoned him and his body flew out like a puppet, following him into the hall.

“ _Frank_!” she sobbed, rocking her body on the floor as she hugged her knees. She wasn’t sure why, but soon she found herself singing, just rocking and singing herself a lullaby. “ _Never be enough…_ ” It did little to muffle Frank’s earsplitting screams, but it was at least something. Frank sometimes asked her to sing to him when he couldn’t sleep as it put him at ease. _Maybe he can hear me now,_ Lily pretended. _Maybe I’m helping him._ Sometimes Lily thought hearing Frank being tortured was worse than getting it herself.

“Lily.” She raised her face slightly off the floor to see Rosier unlocking her cell. “Get up.”

She was really so sick of constantly being told this. _No thanks. I’d rather just lie here._ “I don’t think so, Evan. Not today,” she muttered, trying not to lose the pacing of her song.

“Lily, _get up,_ you have to go before it’s too late.” The chain collar around her neck opened and clanked against the concrete. “Word on the street is your boyfriend killed one of his favorite Death Eaters and Bellatrix’s best friend and…” She heard a clattering at her feet and looked down. He’d thrown her her wand. “It will only be a few minutes until Adam realizes I nicked it. You need to get past the gates, then you can Apparate.”

“What?” Lily breathed, trying to catch up to what was going on.

“You have to _go_ , Lily. _Now._ She’ll kill you.”

“Why… why are you helping me?” She sat up and took her wand weakly.

He gave her a sad look. “I know what you think, but I actually do love her,” he admitted. Warmth spread in Lily’s heart at the thought of Marlene… and Mary… And Remus and Sirius and the possibility of seeing all her friends again. She stopped it before it grew too greatly — too much hope could be dangerous. “I know she wouldn’t want this, but _I_ never wanted this.” Considering everything he’d stood by and allowed these past few weeks, she should hate him, but she actually felt kind of sorry for him. He was telling her the truth. “Please don’t tell her— or anyone. You can’t, do you understand?” He looked to the threshold, his face gaunter than before; it highlighted his cheekbones even more ostentatiously. _He’s fucking terrified._ “If _anyone_ finds out, my father will kill me himself.”

“Is he one of you—“ she caught herself, “them?”

Rosier nodded. “Look, I have to go before anyone realizes I’m here.” He cast a decent disillusionment charm on himself and started to go, turning back to her before he rounded the corner. “You were always nice to me. I’m sorry.”

He was gone.

Lily sat frozen. If this had been a few weeks ago, she would have been halfway out of the castle by now — but it wasn’t. She was broken: soul, heart, and probably most of all, body.

 _You can do this,_ she heard a voice egging her on. _You are strong. You are smart. You are going to get that little girl, and you are getting Frank, and so help me Merlin, you are getting your ass back to Hogwarts where you fucking belong._ The voice was her own.

Lily set to work with a few healing spells, setting her wrist and making a splint for her ankle, doing just enough so she could properly move. Performing magic again felt so fucking good, like she’d regained access to the foundation of her being, and the resulting hit of dopamine she got was needed a thousand times over. It gave her the idea of casting an adrenaline spell on herself. It was highly illegal for sporting events and generally discouraged otherwise for the potentially damning longterm effects it could have on brain chemistry (just ask the witch who invented it), but Lily figured she was a lost cause anyway.

She got to her feet, left her cell and that damn cloak she’d come in with, and didn’t look back.

She knew where the little girl was, and figuring she was the one not currently being tortured by Voldemort, getting her was probably the place to start. She stalked downstairs to the dining hall where she’d been ‘shown off’ the first night and as soundlessly as she could, snuck in and shut the door. She found the girl’s room along the wall and knocked lightly. “Hello?” she whispered. “I’m Lily, I’m here to help you, okay?” There was no response. “I’m going to open the door and I need you to be very quiet, okay?” She undid the simple locking charm, cracked the door ajar, and peered inside to find the small child shaking, but pretending to be asleep. “You’re okay, I know your mum, I’m going to bring you to her.” She peeped open her eyes and Lily smiled, offering out her hand. She looked so frightened. “It’s all right, I promise I won’t hurt you.” Bright brown eyes looked at her open palm skeptically as she remained curled in fetal position. Lily continued, “I promise on unicorns and dragons and hippogriffs and all things magical, I just want to help you.”

The little girl swallowed. “C-c-cross your heart?”

Lily smiled sweetly. “And hope to die.” She crouched down to her level, her knees (and everything else) cracking. “I’m Lily,” she repeated. “What’s your name?”

“Aasha,” she squeaked.

“That’s a beautiful name. We’re going to go get my friend Frank and then we’re all going to Apparate out of here to the castle where your mum is, but I’m going to need you to stay extra quiet. Do you think you can do that for me?” She nodded. “Awesome.” Lily beamed at her as she took her hand.

They’d just gotten out of the dining room and into the hallway when she heard Adam’s voice. “Are you seriously—?”

“ _Imperio,_ ” Lily said without a moment’s hesitation, spinning to him and shielding Aasha with her body. The little girl clung to her hip, trembling. Adam’s face went blank as he bobbed up and down on the balls of his feet. “Are you the only Death Eater in the castle tonight?” _That you’re aware of…_

“Yes.” Adam grinned.

Lily needed a plan. “And Frank’s in the dungeons?” As if on cue, he let out another howl in the distance as Voldemort cackled. Aasha’s grip tightened painfully.

“Yes.”

“Okay.” _Think, think, think!_ “If anyone asks, _you_ gave me my wand back because… I tricked you. Now, go lure Voldemort away from the dungeons using any means necessary and keep him away from us for as long as you can.”

He turned on the spot and marched down the stairs. _Shit! I didn’t think he’d do it_ ** _right_** _away._ Lily’s mind raced. _I’m not ready, I’m not ready, what the fuck am I supposed to do?_ Aasha whimpering drew her out of her meltdown. _Right. Whatever I fucking have to._ Her life no longer had much meaning, but like hell this kid was going to die here when she had the whole world ahead of her.

She hid them away in a small closet under the stairs, and waited until Adam and Voldemort stormed past, the latter yelling obscenities as he stomped on the steps above their heads, raining dust down upon them. Adam took all his curses dutifully. She clutched Aasha’s hand and rushed them to the dungeons, finding Frank knocked out.

“ _Rennervate,_ ” she muttered with her wand, making him bolt up sputtering. She helped heave him to his feet.

“Lily?” he questioned confused.

“There’s no time, come on!” But as soon as he took a step forward, he fell to his knees with a hard thud. “Frank?”

“My leg, I think it’s broken.” He winced as she got down to look at it, conjuring yet another splint. _It’s far too bad of a break for a simple_ Episkey. “Lily, _go_! Take the girl and go, I’ll only slow you two down,” he pleaded.

“No way, Frank. Get up.” She bent down and tried to pull him up by the armpits, but got nowhere considering he was refusing to help this time. “Frank!” she angrily whispered. “Help me!”

“No, Lily, I won’t drag you down—”

Lily got in his face and pointed her wand to his nose. “Frank Archibald Longbottom, if you do not get on your feet _this fucking instant,_ ” ( _sorry kid_ ) “ _I swear to_ ** _Merlin_** _, I will_ Imperio _you myself and_ ** _make_** _you_ _carry me out of here._ ”

Frank swallowed and looked at her in awe. “Be my best man?” he joked (but not really) breathlessly, shakily getting to his feet.

She hit him with the same adrenaline spell she’d taken. “I’d love to.” She positioned herself under his good shoulder (he’d lost a lot of weight, but so had she, so it was still rather backbreaking) and together they slowly climbed the stairs, Aasha pushing on his butt to help him move with all her tiny might.

They got out of the castle, limp-running down the driveway, the fresh air being both welcome and bitterly cold as it burned down their pipes. _We’re almost there, we’re almost there._ The gigantic gates looming over them sensed their attempted exit and slowly — _loudly_ — started to swing open, their centuries old parts groaning in the otherwise calm dead of night. “Just a few more steps, Frank, we got this.” But as she looked encouragingly at his face, sunken and miserable but still displaying all the markings of undeniable hope that she knew mirrored her own, there was a sizzle of red light. It connected squarely with Frank’s back and he slumped forward, fully on top of her shoulder. _He’s alive, he’s alive, he’s alive, Voldemort needs us, it was just a stunner._ Time moved in slow motion as she spun, letting Frank’s weight roll off of her so she could put up a shield charm to protect the three of them. Another one of Voldemort’s hexes shattered it instantly. She put up another, and another, slowly dragging Frank’s body backwards towards the edge of the Apparation zone. Aasha caught on and tried to help pull.

Voldemort had just exited the castle and was gliding towards them, face distorted by a look so evil that Lily couldn’t help her eyes from welling up as her throat closed. “Almost there…” she whimpered, “we’re almost there…”

A spell broke through her shield, making her scream as the silver light hit her arm. The feeling was propagating slowly, _so excruciatingly slowly_ , across her skin, like flesh-eating ameba making their way round to devour everything in their path.

Just when she thought they were done for, as her pain-infused cries pierced the night, Adam came out of nowhere and jumped onto Voldemort’s back, knocking the wizard right over. Voldemort clearly hadn’t expected a Muggle type of defense and was thrown for a loop long enough for Lily to drag Frank’s body past the gate and pull Aasha to her chest.

 _It’s now or never, Lily,_ she thought, over her own constant screams, closing her eyes and picturing the edge of the Forbidden Forest harder than she’d ever imagined anything before. Aasha’s heartbeat was strumming violently right against her own as she hugged Lily’s neck. _You got this._ The last thing she saw before she spun everyone away was a flash of green light coming out of Voldemort’s wand, hitting Adam directly in the chest, killing him instantly.

☆☆☆

Lily hadn’t pulled Frank’s body far enough — part of his leg didn’t make it with the Apparation. “I’m so sorry, Frank, I’m so sorry,” she cried with trembling hands, still trying to drag him over to the other side of Hogwarts’ Apparation boundary in case anyone came after them. “Aasha! Run to the castle, get help!” she begged, watching as she sprinted away towards the beautiful sight of Hogwarts. _At least one of us will make it._

The pain of losing most of a leg had awoken Frank with a yell, Lily still painfully hauling him and his bleeding stump across the rocks and brush. When they hit grass, she got on her knees, transformed a twig into twine, and made a tourniquet on his thigh through her tears. “I’m so sorry. So sorry…” she mumbled feeling herself falling onto her side. _Someone will find us… hopefully soon._

Right before everything faded to darkness, she saw a majestic stag cantering full speed towards her out of the forest.

.

..

…

“ _Lily_!”


	39. Believe Me

**_The Next Day, 6th Year_ **

Lily woke with a jolt. Both her forearms were wrapped and she felt better than she had in weeks and she wasn’t starving and — _what the fuck?_ Her eyes adjusted to the light streaming in through the hospital wing windows.

_Hospital wing?!_ Lily looked around panicked, reaching for her wand lying on her bedside table. It _felt_ real. She pointed it to the man sleeping in the chair next to her — he _looked_ like James, but what if this was all another elaborate mindfuck Voldemort was making her see? What if she hadn’t actually escaped? She didn’t remember making it to the castle. _What if they intercepted me and brought me back?_ Lily carefully maneuvered her way out of the far too soft, plastic bed, making sure not to disturb the man’s hand that looked as though it had at one point been holding hers, and snuck past the privacy curtains. She had to find Frank.

She pulled back the curtains quietly to the next cot over and saw him. He was sleeping peacefully, his leg stump fully wrapped, in the arms of a tiny brunette who was spooning him from behind. _Alice_. She backed away slowly, trying to keep her breathing steady. _So this is real? We really…?_ Her eyes caught on a window, blinding her with its reflective glare. There was a girl there, and Lily had half a mind to go up to her and ask what the hell was going on, but she faltered. The girl had red hair, green eyes, and was wearing a hospital gown… _Holy shit, it’s a mirror._ She probably should have been embarrassed that it hadn’t been obvious for a couple of seconds, but she truly didn’t recognize herself. She approached her reflection slowly, willing her brain to accept that it was actually her. Her hair had clearly been washed, but it still hung limply around her face. Scars ran along the parts of her arms and legs that she could see, as well as her neck, and she was — quite plainly — a stick. The starvation had robbed her of her soft curves and glow. She looked like a zombie.

“Pomfrey said—” The man had awoken and found her staring at herself in the mirror aghast.

“Stay back!” Lily cried, threateningly pointing her wand at his chest, her gaze following it.

In her periphery, she saw James’ face crumble as though she’d already hexed him. “Lily?” he questioned earnestly.

“Who are you?”

He looked at her wand hand — it was shaking. “It’s me. It’s James.” She watched as he put his palm over his heart.

“Prove it.”

“Okay,” he answered gently, “um… ask me something only I would know.”

She surveyed him, hands now open in front of him as if to show he was defenseless, and noticed he looked different too. He had dark purplish bruises under his eyes that hadn’t been there before and his face’s edges seemed sharper and more angular. Her desire to run up, hug him, and never let go warred with her instinct to **run**.

“Where did James Potter first kiss me?”

“Easy: on our pitch. But it was more of a mutual kiss, really, you may even have initiated it. We both leaned in.”

_Seems like a James response, but he’s right, perhaps too easy of a question. Voldemort probably saw that memory._ “What year did you change my hair color and what did you call me after you did it?”

James smiled and suddenly his dimple was back in her life — _where it belongs. They never elicited his dimple…_ Her heart fluttered as her stomach continued to churn. “2nd year. And Blueberry.” He chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. Lily felt her breath catch in her throat at the way that action just made her _feel_ things. _James…_ “In my defense, you’re named after a flower, and my idiot 12 year old brain thought nicknaming you a fruit instead was very witty. You know because flowers turn into…” he trailed off.

_Ha, nerd._ She slowly started lowering her wand, her eyes going haywire, taking in every centimeter of his face beside his eyes. He had more patchy stubble than she’d ever seen on him. _Fuck I missed you._ Her feet remained firmly planted where they were.

“My turn.” Lily’s brows scrunched at his words. “Where did you first tell me you loved me?”

She gaped at him, eyes sinking to his feet as he took a minuscule step towards her. Her wand came back up protectively. “I didn’t.”

“You did,” he smiled, “you just didn’t know I heard it.”

She had no idea why her eyes were watering, but she found she couldn’t maintain eye contact with him for very long. She spoke to his shoulder instead. “You did?” She felt her heart being tugged by an invisible cord, both insanely glad that he’d _known_ all along, but immeasurably sad that **this** was how they were having this conversation. Their feelings for each other deserved to be talked about outside under the stars, or in the snow… not while she was too scared to even look at him.

James stood his ground. “Yeah,” he breathed out, like her three little words had been what had gotten him through the past few weeks.

“So, in the same room where you first told me then.”

He gave her a lopsided grin. “We really need to stop sharing our firsts in the same places, don’t we?” The reference went right over her head.

She wanted to meet him there, physically and in his levity, but her body was still amped up to level twelve in fight of flight mode by the sight of him. It was so confusing for her heart to be calling for him as strongly as it did while her skin crawled just looking into his eyes. It wasn’t fair — it wasn’t right. _It’s James, it’s fucking James,_ she yelled at her legs uselessly. They were frozen in preservation, unwilling to carry her to him.

Suddenly, she could think of nothing other than the little girl. “Where’s Aasha?”

James’ face shifted. “Harris’ kid? With her, don’t worry.” He looked around. “I’m gonna go get Dumbledore and Poppy. They want to talk to you, if you’re up for it.”

It was awkward. Things were definitely awkward between them, but it wasn’t like Lily had a rulebook on how she was supposed to act after being kidnapped and tortured. “All right.” He gave her a tight smile and walked out the door.

“Lily?” she heard Frank’s voice call from behind his curtain, as though he’d waited for her conversation to end before speaking. She moved to him instinctually, barely registering that she passed a now standing Alice as she flung herself into Frank’s open arms. She couldn’t believe after everything they’d faced together, this was their first ** _hug._**

“Oof, easy Lily, it’s all right, we made it,” he cooed, stroking her hair behind her back.

“I’m so sorry about your leg, Frank—” she started, the guilt gnawing at her throat afresh.

“Don’t,” Frank cut her off, “seriously, Lily, don’t you dare. You just **saved** my life and you’re worried about a stupid foot? Haven’t you heard, prosthetics are all the rage right now?”

Lily decided she was surrounded by too many optimists. “What?” she sputtered, only realizing as she pulled back that she’d started crying. She dabbed at her eyes with her miraculously clean gown. It was so strange to be wearing something that wasn’t cutting her with motherfucking sequins. “Are you on pain potions?”

He chuckled. “Yes, but so are you, I reckon.”

She snorted. “Who do you know with a prosthetic anyway?”

“Hopefully my new boss?”

“Who?” Her nose crinkled.

“Alastor Moody. He’s the head of the Auror Department at the Ministry. Figure they need more people with everything going on. Not a field operative mind you, but I’m pretty good at research, and I’ll feel like I’m doing more with my life.” He gave her cherub smile. “Don’t tell Voldemort, but I think he gave me a complex.”

“Frank, that’s brilliant!” Lily was beaming.

“Yeah, and that way I can help lock up some of those bastards too.”

“I’m so proud of you, love,” Alice said, making Lily nearly jump in the air. _No longer alone in a cage. Right._ “You’ll make an amazing Auror.”

The way the two of them were looking at each other made Lily very self-conscious and think that perhaps she should just sneak out. Alice throwing her arms around her in a stifling bear hug derailed this plan.

“Alice, easy—” Frank said to his tiny fiancée as Lily stiffened uncomfortably. _She’s friendly, she’s friendly, she’s friendly,_ Lily chanted in her head until the contact ended and her heartbeat returned to a less thunderous volume in her ears.

“Lily.” Alice looked her dead in the eye. “I owe you everything. Thank you.”

Lily squirmed, embarrassed by the intense level of gratitude. “We helped each other.”

Alice laughed. “Sounds more like you single-handedly fought off Voldemort while carrying my Frank on your back, but sure.”

“Oy! I tried my best!” Frank joked back, smiling as Alice took his hand tenderly in her own.

Lily was jealous of him. How was he so calm, so _normal,_ right now?

Lily felt like she’d left some of her sanity back in that cell, but Frank seemed good as new, ready to flirt with his future wife and get back to his everyday life. _What’s wrong with_ ** _me?_** ****

Alice turned back to her excitedly. It struck Lily that with her being an Auror, maybe these kind of life-and-death situations just were more commonplace with them. “Oh! I heard you’re going to be Frank’s best woman! He’s really thrilled.”

Lily felt like she was about to have a breakdown if she kept having to pretend like everything was okay. “Uh—”

“Alice, can we have the cot for a second?” Frank asked gently, eyeing Lily’s face nervously.

“Course,” Alice responded nonchalantly, giving him a kiss and leaving. “ _Thank you_ , Lily,” she said again on her way out.

Lily stood there panting while Frank threw up a muffling spell, summoned her bed from next door, and patted it. She guessed he knew exactly what she needed. Lily climbed onto her own mattress and grabbed his fingers, instantly feeling a calm wash over her. She hated that her old coping mechanism still worked given her newfound freedom, but who was she to question her own body’s relief?

She was out… but now she was starting to wonder when — if ever — she’d actually be free. Her mind still felt trapped, still asking her to be terrified that someone was going to come and hurt her at every turn. How long would this last? James was here, Frank was here, Alice was here, and she really wanted to get to know her new best friend’s beloved; so why did her body tense up like the brunette had been holding a dagger with her name on it from a single hug? What good was freedom if you were still living every second in fear?

“She’s not a bad person,” Frank said unexpectedly.

“What?” Lily balked. “I never—”

“It’s just her way,” Frank continued. “She’s not trying to be insensitive, she just doesn’t bring her work home, if that makes sense.” Lily opened her mouth but no words came out. “She sees so much stuff — so much dark, depressing stuff — that she told herself a long time ago that when she talks to me, she would just pretend like it never happened. She compartmentalizes in order to not let it affect our relationship.” Frank gave her hand a squeeze. “So I don’t want you to feel like we’re…” he paused, looking for the right word, “not taking it— I don’t know, like we’re ignoring your pain. I’m not, it’s just easier for her to…”

“Move on,” Lily offered.

“Yeah, kind of. Obviously it doesn’t work for everyone but… it works for her.”

Lily exhaled keeping her eyes trained down at their hands. “I don’t think I’m like that.” She _wished_ she could just move on, she really, truly did, but her body’s reactions just now told her it wouldn’t be so easy.

Frank gave her a warm smile, already looking so much more like the man she’d met than who he’d withered away into. “Well, good thing I’m here for you then.” She snorted. “Don’t laugh, I need my best man at her best.”

“You’re really pushing this, aren’t you?”

“Lily! I’m desperate! Do you know how embarrassing it is for me to admit that all my friends are secretly my wife’s best friends? It isn’t like she can be my bride _and_ my best man.”

“No, she cannot,” Lily agreed, smiling against her will. “She’ll probably be a bit busy that day.”

“Exactly.” Frank nodded. “I’m expecting an epic bachelor party, by the way. Maybe some drinking. Staying out past midnight.”

He was doing it again, distracting her to the point of being okay. “Drinking _and_ breaking curfew? Frank Archibald, I didn’t know you had it in you.”

“I’ll train for it. Push my bedtime back a little bit every day.” He grew more serious. “I do owe you my life though.”

“Frank—”

“I’m serious, Lily. Thank you. I don’t know how much longer I would have lasted. You really got me through it.” It was bullshit, Lily knew. The only person who had gotten them through anything was _him._ Then, to break the tension, he added, “Alice and I have decided to name our firstborn after you.”

“Oh yeah?” Lily grinned. “What if it’s a boy?”

“Hm.” Frank looked as though he’d never even entertained the possibility, so sure was he that he was going to sire a mini-Alice. “We could name him Lil, that’s masculine, isn’t it?”

Lily gasped, affronted. “No it’s not!”

Frank shrugged. “Lil… Ill… Bill, Will. Something will work.”

Lily giggled. “Your poor future spawn.”

An amused twinkle overtook his eyes. “Speaking of future spawn, you just spoke to James?”

_He must have overheard our conversation then._ Lily blinked at him rapidly. “Awful segue. Truly abysmal.”

Frank ignored her and pushed on this. “How was it?” She loved Frank for knowing it wasn’t easy. She sucked in a big breath and Frank gave her hand a hearty squeeze. He kept talking to save her the effort of formulating a response. “You should have seen him.” Lily looked at him questioningly. “He’s the one who found us.”

“Oh?”

“He’s an Animagus. Did you know?”

“ _What?!_ ” Lily near-shrieked, impressed and scandalized at the same time.

“Oh.” Frank’s cheeks reddened. “So you didn’t.”

“No! Frank, what is he? What animal?” The curiosity was bubbling over in her stomach.

“You know, this seems like a private conversation that—”

“Frank.” She fixed him with her most unamused stare. “ _Frank._ ”

“It was a deer. He’s a deer.” He caved like a marshmallow.

“A _deer_?” Lily repeated. She wanted to smack herself in the face for missing something so obvious, drool over his control over his magic to be able to master a spell so complex at such a young age, and scream at his egotism over thinking he could just circumvent the law like this. At the same time, she was also a little surprised by what magic had deemed his spirit animal to be — a deer just seemed so stable. Dependable. To her, James still bled wildness and danger. _Danger._

“Yeah. Anyway,” Frank seemed intent to blow right by this little ( _illegal_ ) development, “he found us right after you Apparated us back and passed out and… Lily.” She leaned in with his dramatic pause. “That man _loves_ you.” She gave him a little ‘come on now’ look. “I’m serious, you know I was skeptical before, but I see it now, he—”

“Frank.”

“He nearly left me!”

“What?”

“Yeah! Guy only had eyes for you and just scooped you up and was about to run off and I was like, _‘Hello!_ ’”

He really had to stop making her snort, it was so unbecoming. “No he didn’t.”

“I mean, obviously, because I’m here, but he levitated me behind you guys as an afterthought and was about to fight all your classmates who got in the way of us and the hospital wing.”

Lily groaned. “People saw us?”

“Not a lot, but you know, enough for news to spread.” Frank clearly remembered how gossip worked within these walls. “But don’t worry, me bleeding out bobbling behind you might have pulled focus from you in his arms a bit.”

He said it to make her feel better, but now she was back to thinking about how her careless action of not pulling him just a few more tugs further back had handicapped him for life.

He caught her straying eyes. “Stop. It amputated the leg that was broken anyway.” Before she could speak, he added, “I know you can’t see it right now, but maybe one day you will: you’re my hero Lily. But don’t distract me.” Mercifully, he didn’t skip a beat. “So the healer’s trying to tend to me right, because my injuries were a little more urgent, and Potter nearly lost it, and this new healer, she doesn’t mess around, this lady. So they have this stand off, because Potter really wants you to get looked at first,” Frank rambled, “and he said it so convincingly and commandingly, _I_ even thought you should have, but this woman’s gotta have experience with him, because she stands her ground and tells him to make himself useful and start with standard healing spells on you that he knew.” Frank sighed. “So I watched him, because it was a lot more pleasant than watching her try to— whatever. So I’m watching him, and Lily. **_Lily._** ”

“What?” She nearly had to laugh at the expression he was giving her.

“Marry the guy,” he said seriously.

“Frank!” she giggled.

“I mean it! Lily, the way he _looked_ at you…” Lily stopped breathing, hoping he’d continue if she just waited. He picked up on her eager silence. “It was like you were the only person left on the planet. He looked kinda hopeless on how to help though, so he ended up just washing your arms and hair, treating you like you were made of fine china. Was pretty adorable.”

“You’re such a hopeless romantic.”

“Dating your soulmate is fun. You should try it sometime.”

She pushed at his shoulder, only remembering when he winced that it had just been healed. “Sorry!”

“S’fine, it’s fine.”

Lily sighed, gearing up for a harsh truth. “You know I won’t be able to do that for a while though. Date him, I mean.” It was crazy — the Death Eaters had taken so much from her, but somehow they had given her Frank. In what other world would the pair have found each other and been bonded for life like this? Lily felt like he’d already done more for her than she could ever have expected any friend to do — and so much more than she had done for him. But he’d been fighting her on the validity of this statement all morning, so she guessed that’s what real friendship was — both feeling like you were getting the better end of the bargain. She didn’t even have to articulate full sentences anymore for him to just _get it._

“Yeah.” He swallowed. “How was seeing him just now?”

“Terrible.” Her voice cracked. “I see him, and it’s James, _my James_ , and I wanna kiss him and hold him and… then I got these intense flashes where I just seized up, you know? And it hit me like a punch to the face and I couldn’t breathe, and…” She pushed her hair back. “I know it’s not his fault, and that makes it even more painful.”

“Right. But it’s not your fault either. You know that.”

Lily took a deep breath, working up the nerve to agree with him. “I know that.”

He looked at her sadly. “I think it’ll just take time, Lily. What they did to you… it was so,” he paused, “ _messed up._ ” Lily screwed her eyes closed, taking choppy gulps of air. “Don’t let them take James from you. That was Voldemort’s goal right? _Don’t_ let him win.”

“I don’t want to,” she breathed.

“Lily Jasmine Evans. You are the — _second_ _—_ strongest woman I know. That statement is an insane compliment if you knew my mother who you just beat out, mind you.” She smiled. “I know it won’t be easy, but you **can** get through this. And you will.” She nodded. _I_ _will_ _._

Alice drew back the curtain apologetically. “Knock, knock. Sorry, Professor Dumbledore’s here for you guys.”

They adjusted their beds so that they could both sit up, Lily feeling really weird just lounging in the presence of her headmaster. Most of her experience in the hospital wing had definitely been from the other perspective. She much preferred helping rather than being doted on, but still allowed Madam Pomfrey to look over her injuries as Alice perched herself on the other side of Frank’s bed and Dumbledore, McGonagall, and James pulled up chairs. It looked like the latter two were having a heated whispered conversation about whether or not it was appropriate for him to be there. Lily had never seen her Transfiguration teacher look quite so exasperated, even if she had been dealing with him (and the rest of the Marauders) for _years._

“Minerva,” Dumbledore spoke, raising his hand, “let us let young Miss Evans here decide if she wants Mr Potter by her side or not.”

_Why’d he say it like that?_ His statement felt awfully loaded, but Lily tried to brush it off. Still not being able to look at James, but appreciating his powerful presence all the same, she answered: “He can stay.” Lily definitely didn’t dream up the satisfied look on Dumbledore’s face. _What is he up to?_

Pomfrey gave her a kind smile before unwrapping her arms. Lily nearly gasped. While her _MW_ scar looked remarkably improved from the puss filled, veiny mess it had been, her right arm looked absolutely horrid by the wrist. Almost onyx at the center, the hex Voldemort had hit her with on the driveway spread ashy grey in all directions like a spiderweb of death.

Pomfrey saw her reaction. “You’re lucky Dumbledore was here, otherwise it might have taken over your whole arm.” She lightly prodded it with her wand but Lily felt… _nothing._

“What is it?” Lily asked, staring at her formerly ivory skin in shock.

“Very Dark Magic,” Dumbledore answered solemnly.

She looked to him. “Will I ever be able to feel the skin here again?”

“Probably not,” he replied honestly.

_Oh._ She ran her fingers over the discolored patch, the sensation of only touching and not _being_ touched, while her eyes could very much see that she was, was completely messing with her mind. _At least you’re used to that._ Lily reminded herself that she could still feel sensations with her right hand, and that was more important than her wrist.

Dumbledore leaned in, and Lily knew he meant business. “I’m afraid I must ask too much from you two.” He wanted to know _everything._ Luckily, Frank was able to cover most of the timeline, with Lily filling in the gaps. Lily was very grateful James had already told the adults of Adam’s betrayal, so she wouldn’t have to relay what that git did. _That dead git._ Lily still was having a hard time processing that she’d recently seen someone get murdered, _just like that. Like he was nothing._ Frank talking also gave her some time to contemplate what the hell she was supposed to say about Rosier’s involvement in everything — time, but unfortunately not enough to come up with a decision. All she knew was that she didn't want his blood on her hands.

Lily tried not to notice James’ fists clenching — or her heart rate spiking like mad as they did — when Frank explained how Stone had cut out initials into Lily’s arm. As if to defend her dignity, Frank quickly added how she overcame _Imperio_ to whomp her right afterwards. If Lily didn’t know any better, she would have sworn McGonagall sent her a quick impressed smirk.

They also divulged the names of all of the Death Eaters they’d seen (Alice and McGonagall both taking down notes) including the four still enrolled in school. Lily left out Rosier, figuring she could always tell them later, and Frank missed her omission, too busy trying to remember the names of all the adults.

“This is so helpful, honey. I’ll tell Moody all this as soon as I see him.” Frank preened under his fiancée’s high praise.

“We’ll need to collect your memories of course, but we can start the expulsion process for all the Death Eaters still attending Hogwarts,” Dumbledore said as he beckoned Madam Pomfrey and asked her to retrieve the Pensieve from his office. She briskly left without a word.

“ _Really_?” The word slipped from Lily’s lips before she could stop it, but she figured it pretty succinctly encapsulated all her disbelief that it would be so… simple?

“Of course, Miss Evans,” McGonagall said professionally. “Aiding and abetting domestic terrorism is very much an expellable offense.”

_Well, when she puts it like that, no shit._ It felt so good to be **believed**. Lily spared a glance at James — he’d turned to the window at the mention of his best friend’s little brother’s name and had yet to look back.

They carried on. There were so many random tidbits of information that they both knew they’d heard, but it was so hard to remember specifics when there was no clear connection between them.

“The first night, they were discussing an attack on a concert.” Lily perked up when the recollection hit her.

“Unfortunately, that has already happened,” Dumbledore responded.

“What happened to the bodies?” Lily pressed.

“The bodies…?” McGonagall asked hesitantly.

“Yeah,” Lily nodded, “I don’t think he was doing it for the terror alone; he seemed to be fixated on getting the dead bodies after.” Lily looked at Frank to see if he remembered the same thing.

“He was. Do we have records of what happened to them?”

“We’ll have to look into that.” McGonagall took Dumbledore’s words to mean she had another important note to jot down. “Sounds like he may be trying to build an army of Inferi.”

Lily shuddered. She remembered Peter and Dorcas’ presentation on them quite vividly. _But where could you possibly keep something that gruesome hidden?_

“There was more.” Lily closed her eyes and tried to comb through her jumble of thoughts for the golden nuggets. “They _Obliviated_ us, **_a lot_**. But… sometimes they got the timing wrong.” James shifted uncomfortably in his chair, clearly knowing just how bad repeated _Obliviation_ was on the mind — Lily had tried hard not to dwell on that fact since it had been so out of her control while it was happening. “Sometimes they’d come to the cells in pairs and be talking about stuff and when they’d wipe our memories, the starts or ends of conversations would remain. They’d be talking openly in front of us like it didn’t matter since they thought we’d lose it anyway.”

“And what were they discussing?”

Frank spoke, “They were talking about how Voldemort was trying to hide these objects better. It didn’t make any sense th—”

“What objects?” Dumbledore uncharacteristically cut him off.

“Uh…” Frank straightened, scratching his head. “Bellatrix—” Alice growled “— mentioned a mug.”

“Cup. A golden cup,” Lily corrected.

“Yeah. A cup. And she was talking to Rodolphus, and he mentioned a ring. But why would Voldemort care about trinkets?”

“Curious indeed,” Dumbledore responded, very much not answering the question.

“There’s more,” Lily continued, her voice sounding a lot more steady than she felt. “Voldemort didn’t hear the prophecy the way we did.”

“Ah yes. Riya’s diversion,” Dumbledore mused.

“Sorry, sir?”

“The version of Professor Harris’ prophecy that you—“ he motioned to Lily, Frank, and James “—heard was correct: ‘As long as the Dark Lord kills Lily Evans and Frank Longbottom, he will remain forever invincible.’ Mr Potter and I just ourselves learnt that Voldemort interpreted this to mean he could also defeat death.”

_How did he find_ ** _that_** _out?_ Lily’s eyes flickered to James’ for a moment. The hazel felt like a buzz collar, zapping her for bad behavior. “He can’t die… ever?”

“If he were to have killed you and Mr Longbottom, yes.” Alice protectively wrapped her arm around Frank’s shoulders.

“But he didn’t,” Lily said nonplussed.

“Yes, he did not.” Dumbledore steepled his fingers and regarded her dourly. “What I just heard from Riya last night, was that this summer, Voldemort found her and her young daughter at home.”

“Aasha,” Lily interjected fondly.

“Correct.” Dumbledore gave her a small crinkled look over his glasses. “Voldemort is a skilled Legilimens.” Lily and Frank shared _a look._ They knew. “He was able to get most of it out of her, but Riya is an exceptionally well trained witch. If you knew the man Voldemort used to be like I did, I’m afraid you’d know that he vastly underestimates the strengths of those around him. She was able to change one word of the prophecy in her mind.”

“Kill,” Lily stated.

“Correct.” Dumbledore bowed his head. “Riya led Voldemort to believe that he merely had to _keep_ you in his possession. Having never had a mother of his own, he couldn’t even begin to fathom the lengths Riya would go to ensure a better world for her daughter. And as she’s predicted, that world is only achievable by keeping you two safe.” Lily swallowed, _no pressure._ “He took her daughter as leverage to prevent her from telling anyone that he knew of the prophecy and that he planned to kidnap you both.”

“But sir, how did he even know there was a prophecy to begin with?”

“We do not know.” James scuffed his shoe against the tile floor moodily.

Lily couldn’t even imagine the utter turmoil Harris must have been in knowing Aasha was being held captive. She regretted ever thinking the lady was a weirdo. “What are they going to do now?”

“Riya and Aasha have already left the castle this morning. Divination is being cancelled permanently, as it is my understanding that true Seers are exceedingly rare. They are going abroad and assuming a new identity. Riya assures me that her cover will be successful.” His eyes twinkled. “She also asked me to thank you sincerely for rescuing Aasha as she knew you would. And to go left.”

Lily shook her head, making sure she wasn’t hearing things. “Sorry. Go left?”

Dumbledore merely smiled faintly. _Why is he always so damn vague?!_ Figuring things out for yourself was great and all, but she’d really rather not do it when her life was on the line.

“There’s more,” Frank spoke, and for a terrible moment, Lily was afraid it was time to relive _that_. “It’s actually about Voldemort’s Legilimency.” _Oh thank Merlin._ Lily felt her shoulders easing up. _Just talking about regular ol’ torture._ “He took turns invading our minds to find out what made us special. He never figured me out — he actually got pretty mad about it — but he found something for Lily.”

Lily felt her cheeks go red under five expectant stares. “Oh, um. I don’t even know if it’s that special.” She _felt_ Frank roll his eyes by her side. “But he found a suppressed memory I had of my parents’ death.” James leaned forward as if to grab her hand, but she flinched and he slowly sat back against his chair. She couldn’t think about him, _them_ , right now. “I um. Apparently I tried to extend some sort of protective force field around them wandlessly? I have no idea how I did it, and it didn’t work, but seeing it made Voldemort… I don’t know if _giddy_ is the right word…”

“Could you share this memory with us?” As if on cue, Pomfrey returned with Dumbledore’s Pensieve, her ringlets sticking to her forehead from overexertion.

“Of course.”

“Is there anything else you’d like to share?”

And there it was… the Merlin-damn moment of truth. Lily was completely torn. Part of her wanted to take this information with her to the grave. She didn’t want anyone to look at her differently, or worse **treat** her differently, because sure, she was traumatized now, but it wasn’t like her whole personality had shifted due to someone else’s cruelty over her body. It didn’t seem like any of their business either, and just having one of her favorite professors and her headmaster even _thinking_ about her in any sort of sexual situation made her stomach turn.

Then again, not talking about it was almost akin to being ashamed of what had happened — and she wasn’t. _It wasn’t your fault._ She wanted to bring the bastard to justice, and that meant she had to call out his misdeeds and staple him to the wall. In order to do that, she had to tell someone about it. Say the words. Out loud. _Easier said than done…_

It was still so surreal. Obviously she had always known about rape in the abstract, her best friend had been raped ( _by the same guy…?_ Lily shuddered). But it had always been such a foreign concept, a tragedy that happened to others, that came with heavy connotations, and _very_ strong reactions when discussed. It almost seemed like the world was set up to ignore the problem and take Alice’s approach to Frank’s whole ordeal — pretend it never happened. She knew most people believed that they were survivor supporters in theory, but there was still the expectation that such topics were never brought up in polite conversation, and that survivors were just supposed to deal with it, _cry about it,_ in private. Admitting that at one point in time someone had control over your body somehow made you _weak_. The longer Lily thought about it, the less sense it made.

It was weird acknowledging she was a rape survivor. It was a label she didn’t want — but she guessed that was entirely the point.

_So how the hell do you articulate all that?_ She looked to Frank, hoping he’d see it all in her eyes. He reached for her hand and talked to Dumbledore. “They were a lot worse to Lily than they were to me.” Frank explained how they’d shown him some semblance of dignity considering he was a Pureblood, but they’d treated her like an animal. How they’d conjured him a pillow to use, but took it away when they realized he’d been sneaking it over to Lily. And then he tried ripping the bandaid off on the worst offense that had befallen Lily— and failed.

_Well, at least I’m not the only one having a hard time talking about this._ She jumped in. “They had me see things. Voldemort was mad at me so he made me see someone I loved hurting me instead of the Death Eaters when they visited.”

Lily couldn’t be sure, but she thought she saw a glimmer of triumph cross Dumbledore’s eyes at her words. _That’s it, the old man’s off his rocker._ “Voldemort was threatened by your love?”

“Erm,” Lily stammered, “I guess? Maybe?” She could not for the life of her follow Dumbledore’s thought process today. _Maybe ever._ “He just saw a way to try to break me and really went all in.”

“Who did he show you?”

_Wow, okay, so we’re just asking these kind of questions in a group setting now, are we?_ Lily felt the room grow very hot and suddenly looked everywhere but at… “James.” She saw him jerk and she was so happy for their little mirror side chat. As it turned out, there _was_ a worse scenario to first discuss your reciprocal feelings for one another.

“I see,” Dumbledore said pleased, as if storing that knowledge away for later.

James, it appeared, was strikingly less amused. “Wait… I hurt you?”

Lily rubbed her nose with her free hand, squeezing Frank’s fingers with all her might in the other. “It wasn’t **you**.”

“Yeah, but that’s what you saw?” He sounded positively crushed.

Lily picked at the hem of her gown. “Yeah.” She couldn’t bear to look at the hurt in his gaze, but she felt it rolling off of him all the same. She wanted to comfort him, and tell him it was fine, because she _knew_ better _,_ but her stupid body’s inability to comply with her wish to do so told her that it was at least partially a lie. _For now. Things will get better._ She just needed **time**.

Lily looked determinedly to Dumbledore. Now was a time for fixing things. “I was hoping you could help me with that? You see, when they raped me,” James choked on his air, “they’d _Obliviate_ me, but not when they looked like James. I was hoping you could take those memories from me too?”

It wasn’t Dumbledore who answered, but a very vehement Pomfrey. “No Miss Evans, absolutely not!”

“But—”

“No. I haven’t gone over your health screenings with you yet, but you are _extremely_ lucky to even be alive.” Lily squeezed her eyes shut, pretty sure she knew where this was headed. “Both of you have severe prefrontal cortex damage, as well as corrosion in your hippocampus. The body is **not** made to withstand this level of torture, thought invasion, and memory tampering! Any more could permanently debilitate you! I wouldn’t be surprised if you already experience more forgetfulness than your peers for years!”

“But just a few—” Lily tried. A little brain damage honestly might have been worth it.

“ **No**.” Pomfrey was adamant. “You might not have lasted another _day_ in captivity.” Lily thought back to singing on the floor yesterday while Frank screamed. Perhaps she was right. James got up from his seat trembling, excusing himself for a moment. Lily had the distinct feeling he was going somewhere private to yell into the wind.

“I’m not sure it would help you in the way you imagine it would either.” Off of Lily’s confused expression, Dumbledore clarified, “You can force your mind to forget memories, but the feelings will linger. When they _Obliviated_ you in your cell, you still experienced an intense feeling of dread afterwards, did you not?” _Yes. And nausea._ “Unfortunately, you would still most likely find yourself scared of Mr Potter for the time being, but now without the knowledge of how your body was being tricked into doing so.”

_Well, that seems super counterproductive. Fucking bastards thought of everything…_ Who knew Voldemort would be so skilled at perfecting torture?

“Did they only do this in another’s body?” McGonagall asked delicately. “I only ask for legal purposes.”

“They forgot to take my memory once,” Frank supplied. “I saw Avery do it.”

_So it was him._ Lily found that she already knew.

McGonagall nodded. “That memory will be very beneficial, thank you Mr Longbottom.” Lily appreciated her continued professionalism in the situation. The witch was definitely a role model to her and Lily wasn’t sure if she could handle it if she gave her any pitying looks.

Frank and Lily gave all of their pertinent memories to the Pensieve (Lily making sure to skip Rosier’s involvement in her escape), and McGonagall set off briskly, ready to get a bunch of balls rolling. Lily jumped off her bed, ignoring Pomfrey’s sharp rebuke as she caught up with Dumbledore before he slipped out of the wing.

“Sorry, Professor?“

He turned to her, purple robes wrapping around his ankles. “Yes, Miss Evans?”

“I was just wondering…” _Why me?_ _How_ _me?_ “I still don’t understand how I’m supposed to stop him. Voldemort. He’s just so powerful, and I know what Frank said, but I’m **_not_** special—”

“Miss Evans, you may not believe you are special, but you are resilient.” … _Am I?_ “True strength does not come from never showing weakness, but from the ability to pick yourself back up after you feel as though you have been broken.”

Lily considered this, feeling a bit like she’d finally stumbled upon a fortune cookie that was at least a little bit motivational.

“It is my understanding, Miss Evans, that you have already survived a great deal. Sometimes that is a feat in and of itself.” His blue eyes pierced hers, and for a second Lily wondered if he knew Legilimency as well. He spoke as though he was referring to more than just her time with Voldemort. “You know, most people would not have escaped from Voldemort’s capture.”

“It wasn’t just me,” Lily admitted. “I had help.”

His eyes sparkled. “Most people do.” She felt like he was on his same mysterious tangent he’d been veering off to all morning. “But why did he help you?” Lily’s head spun: _What?!_ She hadn’t mentioned Rosier! She hadn’t included a single memory of him, and he’d been sitting on the farthest side of the table from Frank the first night, so there was a good chance he hadn’t given any memories with his face either. So how did Dumbledore know? _Or does he not… and is assuming I’m protecting one of the other guys?_ “Wavering loyalty is a finicky beast. Perhaps you have shown him more kindness in his life than the other side has. Perhaps you were a friend to him when no one else was.” _Holy shit… Is he talking about Snape? Does he think_ _Snape_ _helped me?!_ Lily supposed Dumbledore had always seen at least some good in the boy to have made him a prefect. “People oft underestimate the power of kindness, especially its effect on those who are rarely given it.”

Dumbledore left Lily feeling more confused than ever. _Great. Got it. I’m just gonna kill Voldemort with love and kindness. Awesome plan._

☆☆☆

Pomfrey allowed visitors soon after (she guessed James hadn’t been following protocol) and Lily was inundated with the attention of Marlene, Dorcas, Hestia, Remus, Sirius, and Peter. They didn’t ask her a lot of questions, only regaled her with fun stories of things she’d missed. Lily wondered if James had warned them; for they also made no attempts to touch her. (And for that, she was grateful.)

The morning before she was discharged, James came back to visit her with a bar of chocolate. “I come bearing gifts,” he joked tightly. Lily had to wonder if he’d mulled over just what to say to her for a couple hours. He said it like he had.

“Thank you.” She gave him the best smile she could muster. “Look—”

“I’m—” James blushed at having tried to speak at the same time as her. “Sorry, you first.”

“Sorry, I was just gonna say, I think we should start over,” Lily stated matter-of-factly. She’d given this a hell of a lot of thought, and this plan made the most sense.

“Start over?” James repeated with furrowed brows. “Like… from scratch? Like we don’t even know each other?”

“Yeah.” Lily nodded. “Exactly like that.” This could work. It would take away all the pressure of trying to maintain a relationship that was currently causing her pain without _inflicting_ any pain on him by rejecting any of his possible advances and expectations. If they started at the beginning, by the time they got back to where they were — hopelessly in love — her body might have had time to overcome this stupid PTSD and just let her live. _Everyone wins._

“So, I’ll just be this random bloke who’s in love with you?” The corner of James’ mouth was twitching. He was trying not to laugh at her harebrained proposal. In her defense — it was born of sheer desperation.

“No!” Lily insisted. “You won’t be in love with me! That’s the whole point.”

“Okay, Lily, even if feelings worked on a switch like that — which _they don’t,_ we’ve been over this — me not loving you would only last about four seconds. But then I’d see you, the most beautiful witch I’ve ever laid my eyes on, and I’d tell you this, and you’d do that thing where you blush and have to look away because you don’t know what to do with your face when you get compliments, and I’ll be in love with you all over again.”

Lily wasn’t sure, but she thought she just heard Frank _swooning_ in the cot next door. Then she begrudgingly realized that she was, in fact, looking completely away just as James had predicted. _Damn boy is far too perceptive for his own good._ How did he do that? How did he read her like she was an open book? _Also… way to just put everything out there. Again._

She looked up at his lopsided grin, so quintessentially James. His mouth, she was discovering, seemed to be the safest part of him to focus on. She sighed. “What do I do with you, James Potter…” she whispered.

He grew more serious. “Lily, I’m just happy I got—” he paused “— just happy you’re back. If you need space, I get it, and I’ll back off and try to make myself as scarce as possible for you. But if you want me around, I’m so fucking here.”

She smiled, truly smiled. “Thank you, James.”

“Of course.”

“Can we just see how it goes? The worst bit always seems to be when I first see you, and then it sorta… relaxes. I don’t want to push it.” Lily felt insanely proud that in the war between her mind and her heart, her heart seemed to be winning.

His voice was infinitely tender. “Yeah, we can do that. Take all the time you need.” He ran a hand through his unruly hair. “I’m not going anywhere.”

She wanted to touch him, not sexually, but just a little taste to know he was real and that they were actually in this moment together. Hesitantly, she reached out for his hand, dangling loosely by his side, and interlocked their pinkies. He squeezed her right back and she felt the pump travel up her arm and straight to her heart. “I missed you.” The words tumbled from her lips.

“Ditto.”

_Ha. Fucking take_ **_that_ ** _, Voldemort._

☆☆☆

Lily’s elation over the small victory in her love life was short-lived, however, because McGonagall summoned her to her office almost as soon as she was discharged from the hospital wing.

“Professor?” she called out as she pushed open the door and peered inside. While her teacher was at her desk looking borderline furious, two men were standing in front of it. The bald one carried a briefcase, but looked like he had no intention of ever opening it (almost as though it was only a prop to showcase how ‘serious’ he was), and the other had a pointed chin and shoulder length hair tied with a black velvet ribbon behind his neck. Lily thought he looked as smarmy as the used car salesmen back home. He looked familiar too, but she couldn’t quite place him.

“Miss Evans. Take a seat.” He motioned to the lone chair available.

“You _may_ be the head of the School Board, but this is still **my** office, so you do not have the authority to boss Miss Evans around,” McGonagall snapped. _Oh shit._ Whoever this slimeball was, McGonagall didn’t like him either. Lily wasn’t sure she’d ever heard her take that tone with another adult before. McGonagall turned to her and said far more kindly, “You may do as you wish, Miss Evans.”

Well, she’d wanted to sit, but like hell if she could do that now. “What’s this about, Professor?” Lily asked her nervously.

Before she could answer, ponytail man began, “Miss Evans, as you are trying to get four exceptionally talented young men expelled from Hogwarts, the Board agrees we should open an investigation.”

After the bile had stopped clambering up her throat, begging to christen greasy man’s ugly crocodile skin shoes because of how he’d just described a bunch of blood supremacists, she nodded. “Okay.” The truth was on her side, _you have nothing to fear_.

The man faltered slightly at her answer, but pushed through. “As such, we have hired a lawyer to represent the best interests of the school.” Lily twitched. Why did she have the distinct feeling that the ‘interests’ of which he spoke were in direct conflict with hers? “We have looked through your school records and found a disturbing pattern of conflicts with Slytherins.”

“Well, yeah, them calling me a Mudblood repeatedly _is_ quite disturbing, isn’t it?” Lily squared her shoulders and stared this guy **down**. Clearly, he’d come here expecting to bully her into silence and she was not about to let him. McGonagall gave her a little wink. _No wonder she likes James if she approved of_ that.

Ponytail man looked pissed as hell. “ _Additionally_ , you must provide us with character witnesses and submit yourself for further psychological evaluations, given your history of mental illness.”

“Excuse me?” Lily asked incredulously.

He smiled and one of his gold teeth caught the light of the room. “Your medical file indicates—”

“You looked at my _medical file?_ ”

“Oh yes, Miss Evans. You are trying to rob four boys of their bright futures. We have to do our due diligence.”

Lily looked to McGonagall. It appeared as though the witch was trying to burn a hole into the side of his skull with her gaze. Lily would bet that if she wasn’t sure this man could have her fired on the spot, she’d do just that.

“Now, as I understand it, you are also accusing one young man of sexually assaulting you. Is that correct?”

Lily gritted her teeth. _Who_ _is_ _this guy?_ “Yes.”

“When did this happen?” Off of Lily’s blank face, he pressed on. “What day? What time?” Lily could do nothing but stare at him. He had her and he knew it. She felt like the room was closing in on her.

“I don’t know,” she finally croaked.

“Something allegedly so traumatic, you think you’d remember the details. Can you even remember how many times the assault happened?”

She didn’t want to play this game. But he took her silence for what it was: defeat. “Your file also indicates that you experienced so much _Obliviation_ that it showed up on your brain scan. Did you know your memories won’t be admissible at Wizengamot? They show far too many signs of being tampered with. In fact, the brain damage indicated in Mr Longbottom’s scan is even more pronounced than it is in yours!”

He was actually _enjoying_ this. Lily wondered what McGonagall would do if she punched him in the face. _Probably back me up._ How could she have memories, actual memories of the events, and it still wasn’t enough to prove anything legally?

He moved away from her and started leisurely pacing with his hands clasped behind his back like he owned the space. “I must be frank with you, Miss Evans: your case is not strong. No usable evidence, no credible witnesses, just your word against that of four exemplary young men from **great** families.” He didn’t have to say mostly rich, well-connected, and Pureblood for her to get the message. ”And I can assure you, _their_ reliable and unmodified memories will hold up in court. Course, it will be hard to narrow down which memories they need to give, seeing as you are unable to provide us with a time and date, but I’m sure they can give plenty that show that they were always on school grounds as they were supposed to be.”

Lily took a huge breath in and felt it almost steam out of her nostrils. “I’ll take my chances then.” _Four Death Eaters! They just want to let_ ** _four_** _bloody Death Eaters go? Why?!_

The man stopped and glared at her, playing with his teeth under his thin lip. “I didn’t want to have to get into this,” Lily could tell that he was lying out of his arse, _he very much does_ , “but if we open an investigation into them, we’ll also have to open one into _you_ as well. Your memories showed—”

_My memories? Wait— he actually_ ** _looked_** _at them?!_ Lily felt violated all over again. “I thought you just said they were faulty and inadmissible?”

“—you using _Imperio_ on a fellow classmate.” Lily gasped. Of course she’d used it on Adam; it was a matter of life or death, she really wasn’t thinking about _the law_ at the time. “This classmate then **died** following your orders.”

_Holy shit… is he… is he trying to pin me with murder charges?!_

“Avery, do not threaten my students in this office.” McGonagall’s voice was pure ice.

“ _Avery_?!” Lily’s head whipped to look back at him, recognizing his features now. “Your son—”

“Is not about to be on trial for manslaughter.”

“How is this not is a huge conflict of interest?” Lily yelled, losing herself in the absurdity of the situation.

“No need for hysterics, Miss Evans. Now, the Board has agreed it is up to you on how to proceed.” He flashed her the most condescending grin she’d even seen in her life. “If you wish to continue with your accusations, this is how the process will go.” He turned to the bald man, who gave him a nod, then turned back to Lily, ready to level her with one last devastating blow. “Oh yes, and of course we’d have to bring in Mr Potter too.”

“ _What?!_ Why? He didn’t do anything.”

“Well, the memories you provided only show _him_ actually assaulting you—”

“It wasn’t him though! Voldemort made me see him—!”

“Right.” Avery Senior clapped his hands together. He’d just gotten her to say exactly what he wanted. Lily could have kicked herself with the foot she'd just shot into. “Because you were _seeing_ things. Who knows if the man Mr Longbottom saw was not actually the innocent one, and the real perpetrator was in fact Mr Potter all along?” Lily’s throat went dry as she felt her stomach get lodged in it. _Don't fucking threaten him you cunt._ “Well, either way, I’m sure a rape trial wouldn’t do wonders for his reputation no matter the outcome, but I’m sure you understand, we’re only trying to serve justice here.”

Lily wrapped her arms around herself as the men strode off, calling over their shoulder how she had until the following night to inform them of her final decision. She waited until the door slammed shut before sinking into the chair bonelessly, staring at a spot on the desk she couldn’t even see. She felt **numb**.

McGonagall didn’t say anything, just slid her box of biscuits towards Lily. She tried one, but it tasted rancid on her tongue.

_The Death Eaters are staying at Hogwarts._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on tumblr tiffanytoms :)


End file.
